All language subtitles for 65

Peralta, looks like
an old friend of yours

- is back in town.
- Who?

That guy Neil that you
bunked with at sleepaway camp?

Oh, Neil from camp
was the best.

He could pick up a milk carton
with his butt cheeks.

He was so funny.

You know who else was funny?
Bill Cosby.

Charles, will you relax?
You're gonna love Neil.

It's not Neil.
Why would it be Neil?

- Doug Judy.
- Oh, right.

Someone we all know
in a police capacity.

That makes more sense.

Someone's using his
signature move to steal cars,

plugging in to the OBD port

and reprogramming
the immobilizer module.

That's Doug Judy's MO,
but it's not him.

- He told me he went legit.
- That's what he told you

last time too,
before he screwed you over.

Yeah, but he returned
the diamonds to me eventually,

and it turned out
that was the only way

to get Giggle Pig
off the streets.

Wait, I may be confusing
our adventures.

What year was the cruise?

Dude's a criminal.
People don't change.

Ever heard of Bruce Banner,
the Incredible Hulk?

You might want to talk
to his shirts and pants

about people not changing.

Well, I want to ask Doug Judy
some questions.

- You have his number?
- I always make contact through his mom.

I'll put you in touch with her,
but remember,

she thinks I'm his assistant
Mangy Carl,

and he's a famous architect
who's designing

LeBron James' new school
for black astronauts.

Hello, Mrs. Judy?

I'm looking for your son,
the architect.

Yes, I'm from...
black NASA.

Is that a thing?

Oh, my.
I didn't know.

I understand.
Good-bye.

So Doug Judy
will not be coming in.

What?
Why not?

Oh, I see.

He is dead.

*BROOKLYN NINE-NINE*
Season 06 Episode 05

Episode Title :
"A Tale of Two Bandits"

Synchronized by srjanapala

Wow, I don't know how to deal
with all these emotions, Terry.

No one I've been close with
has ever died before.

No tragic accidents to friends.
All my grandparents are alive.

How did you deal
when Hodor died?

Not well, Terry.
Why would you bring that up?

Carl?
Mangy Carl?

Yes. That is me.

I'm Trudy Judy,
Doug's sister.

This is our aunt Patrice.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Doug really loved you.

- Oh, he talked about me?
- Oh, all the time.

He was so afraid he'd fall back
into your old life.

Doug made Mangy Carl
an assistant

at the architecture firm.

He rescued him
from a life on the streets.

Yeah, I was down on my luck,
not a penny to my name.

You were selling your body
for money.

- Did Doug tell you that?
- He said all your teeth fell out,

and your mouth was just
a rotten hole.

100% accurate.

Plus you were sick from
those back-alley butt implants.

- Had to have 'em.
- Carl thought a plumper rump

would help him get his ****
every night.

Yeah, I remember having
that thought.

But the doctor just put
a bunch of mulch up there,

- and it got all infected.
- Dark days.

I'm sorry.
It's just so sweet.

- The mulch thing?
- No, how Doug saved him.

Doug was always taking people
under his wing.

Doug said you have
a beautiful voice.

Oh, he did?
Well, I...

♪ Suppose that's true ♪

Would you want to sing a song
for us?

What a nice thought,
but you know what,

I don't have anything prepared.

Okay, well,
if you don't want to sing,

you could just tell us
the inspiring story

of how Doug saved you
from being a mulch-butt ho.

I would like to sing a song
in honor of my dear friend

Doug Judy.

Oh, nothing better
after a long shift

than coming to Shaw's.

It's like Cheers, where
everybody knows your name.

A place where everybody
knows your name is hell.

- You're describing hell.
- Guys, guys, guys.

Are those...

- Firefighters. - Firefighters.
- Firefighters.

Hey, what's going on?

Why is the FDNY
in our cop bar?

We needed a new place,

since our bar, O'Brien's,
burned down.

- You couldn't put that out?
- They probably started it.

Most arsonists turn out
to be firefighters.

That's not true,
though it is very common,

and definitely what happened
in this case.

I'm surprised you guys
even want to come here

since you have to take
the stairs.

I know how much you like
sliding on poles.

We don't like sliding
on poles.

We do it to save lives.
It's dangerous.

You can ask my best friend
Steve.

Oh, no, wait,
you can't, actually,

because he's dead.

Tripped through a pole hole,
broke his neck.

That's horrible.

Sorry, but this is
a firefighter bar now.

Although we might want to make
some changes to the decor.

I'm thinking some old-timey
pressure gauges,

maybe an autographed photo

of Denis Leary
from "Rescue Me."

- You wouldn't.
- Wouldn't I?

Check it out.

You son of a bitch.

♪ Doug Judy ♪

♪ I wish you were alive,
Doug Judy ♪

♪ God will give you
a high five ♪

♪ Doug Judy ♪

Oh, no, he gave himself
a key change.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
Doug Judy ♪

♪ You're a friend, friend,
friend ♪

♪ Doug Judy!

♪ This song is at its end ♪

Thank you so much.
You've been a great audience.

I mean, it's a funeral.
That's psychotic.

I'm so sorry.

Why are there firefighters
here?

Did one of them turn out
to be an arsonist

- and burn down their own bar?
- Actually, yes.

So predictable.
But why did you call me?

There's nothing I can do
about this.

You have gravitas.
Everyone listens to you.

Look, even if
I could save Shaw's,

I'm not sure I'd want to.

This place is a hovel.

The only wine they serve
is from the Delaware Water Gap.

It's called "Charbonnay."

But this is our bar,
and it has been forever.

Change is a good thing.

Just yesterday,
you were ranting

about the Philharmonic
adding a second piccolo.

It's too many.
It'll muddle the sound.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Look, we can find a new bar

that's not beneath us.

What about Bel Vino?

They've got a great selection
of Italian reds,

and your feet don't stick
to the floor

if you stand in one place
too long.

Fine. If you're not gonna do
anything, then I will.

Hank, you got to get rid
of these hose humpers.

- It's them or us.
- Look, guys,

I don't want to take sides.

I just want to make money.

Then keep it a cop bar.
We drink like crazy.

Yeah, 'cause of all
the tragedy we experience

on a daily basis, son.

Oh, yeah? We experience
plenty of tragedy too.

We lose a man a year
to the pole hole.

How about this?

If it's about money,
let's just have a drink-off.

Whoever racks up
the biggest tab by closing time

gets to keep Shaw's.

Okay, defectives.

- My guys can handle that.
- Oh, can they?

'Cause the Nine-Nine's
about to bring the real heat.

Get ready for the back draft,
bitch.

Jake, are you upset?
Where are you going?

Are you embarrassed
about your singing?

- Doug Judy.
- What?

Hey, Jake.
Man, that song was moving AF.

We got to lay that down.

♪ Doug Judy,
he's smushing on the beach ♪

Don't try and duet with me,
you bastard.

You tricked me.
Now give me a hug.

I'm so happy you're alive.
I'll never forgive you.

You're my best friend.

Whoo, I just went through
a lot of emotions real fast,

but I think I'm back
to normal now.

- Should we get lunch?
- I would love a cheesesteak.

I was thinking the exact same
thing, probably 'cause...

- The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.
- The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.

Judy, what the hell
is going on?

Uh, who are you,
and where is Rosa?

I'm his boss,
and I want answers.

All right.
You know who Stefano Lucas is?

The arms dealer?

I got word he put a hit out
on me, so I had to disappear.

Why does Stefano Lucas
want you dead?

His favorite Ferrari
got stolen,

and for some reason
he thinks I did it.

Probably because
someone's been jacking cars

all over Brooklyn
using your MO.

Oh, my God.
Jake, are you saying

what I think you're saying?
- Yes.

You have a copycat.

I didn't think I'd accomplished
enough in my career for this.

I know, it's big.

It just feels so good
to be seen, you know?

Wait. The only way
to catch a copycat

is to team up
with the original criminal.

I'm back on the force!
Give me a gun.

No! There is no copycat.
You did it.

Not me.
I'm living that straight life.

Terry refuses to believe it.
He thinks people can't change.

Tell that to Bruce Banner's
pants and shirt.

That's what I said.

Doug Judy,
you're under arrest.

What? Sarge?

You are really bringing down
the vibe at this funeral.

What the hell is that?

Jake got me this disguise

so some criminal doesn't see me
in here and tell Stefano.

Okay, but why is Jake
also wearing them?

Uh, because it looks
super cool, Sarge.

We look like the hot twins
from "The Matrix."

We are getting aggravated.

- You look like Milli Vanilli.
- Ooh! I call Vanilli.

Ah, I want to be Nilli,
but you got it.

- He's the best one.
- You know it's true.

So did you check out
Judy's alibi?

Yes, and surprisingly,
it checks out.

Last Saturday night,
Doug was deejaying.

Joshy Greenbaum's bar mitzvah.

That was a wild party.

Auntie Karen is a freak.

Judy, you deejay
bar mitzvahs?

Best gig I ever had.
No one likes hip-hop more

than a 13-year-old Jewish boy.

- Mm. So true.
- I'm not buying it.

Probably stealing cash
off the gift table.

Sarge, come on.
He has an alibi.

Let's just team up
and try and catch the copycat.

A thousand push-ups.

It's something Rosa and I
used to say.

It just means trust me.
If Judy's a criminal,

I'll do a thousand push-ups,
and since you're so confident,

if you're wrong,
you can do 'em.

And a thousand push-ups?
That's a lot to you?

You go to hell, Terry.

Make it 100,000 push-ups,
and I'm in.

Obviously I can't do
that much exercise,

but it doesn't matter, because
Doug Judy is telling the truth,

- right, Judy?
- I got you, baby.

So fine.
100,000 push-ups.

You happy, Sarge?

- Great. Now, Doug...
- You never call me Doug.

Yeah, well,
you called me Jake earlier.

I thought we were switching
to first names.

I was thinking
the same exact thing!

I was like,
"Why not call him Jake?"

- We're bonding, man.
- 'Cause he's so official.

But it's chill now.

- So, Doug...
- Yes, Jake?

Now that we know the copycat
is using your playbook,

if you were still in the game...
Which you're not,

we all agree...
What would your next move be?

It's fight night at Barclays.

No sport attracts
more ultra-wealthy people

with super-nice cars
than boxing.

Really? What about the sport
of hunting man?

- You got me.
- That's not a thing.

Right. So should we just
start at Barclays then?

Great.
But first, we got to make

a quick little pit stop
on the way.

What? Where?

Okay, here are the rules
to the contest.

If you order a drink,

it must be fully consumed
before you order another.

Each team's tab
will be tracked on that board.

We don't want anyone getting
alcohol poisoning,

so if you throw up,
you're disqualified.

I never throw up. I just tell
my stomach to deal with it.

My body is terrified of me.

Guys, there's no way
we can win.

There's nine of them
and six of us.

Five of you.
I'm going home.

Although perhaps I'll stop
at Bel Vino on the way,

have a glass of Sancerre.

Might even try
the quince paste

if I'm feeling... naughty.

You're really gonna let
these firefighters

take Shaw's from us?

Think of all the celebrations
we've had here,

all the times Terry has yelled
"Nine-Nine!"

I hate it when he says that.

He should say, "Cheers"

to the Ninety-Ninth Precinct!"

We shouldn't be here.

If you're worried
that someone will recognize me

and find out I'm still alive,
they won't.

There's not too many
hardened criminals

at Justin Friedman's
bar mitzvah.

Although there is a murderer
on the loose,

'cause Kevin Goldman is killing
those dance moves!

Get it, Kevin!

That's the floss.
He's flossing.

It's just that we should be
at Barclays already.

The fights are starting soon.

Rich guys never show up
on time.

Besides, I promised Justin
I'd be here.

What up, J-Smooth!

Gone straight, my ass.
I got you, Doug Judy.

- Huh?
- What are you talking about?

Something felt wrong,
stopping for this bar mitzvah,

so I sent
some plainclothes officers

to watch the lots at Barclays.

- They just caught the copycat.
- I don't understand.

If anything,
that proves Judy's innocent.

He's been standing here with us
the whole time.

Which was his plan!
Establish an alibi,

so his partner can go off
stealing cars.

I don't have a partner.

Whoever this is,
I promise you,

I do not know him.

Actually, Doug,
I think you do.

Oh, my God.

- Trudy Judy! - Trudy Judy!
- Trudy Judy!

You still want to pretend you
had nothing to do with this?

I didn't,
and she didn't either.

Trudy Judy's not a car thief.

Trudy Judy's an angel.

She's putting herself through
nursing school.

And nurses are the best
of our society.

Name one bad nurse.

Nurse Ratched.
Kathy Bates in "Misery."

Nurse Jackie
had a pill problem.

Okay, damn, you got a lot
of real good examples

off the top of your head.
You believe me, right, Jake?

I mean, the fact pattern's
not great,

but Trudy did seem very nice
when I met her.

You trying to get
your freak on with my sister?

What? No.

I see you looking
at Trudy Judy's booty.

I am not looking
at Trudy Judy's booty.

Oh, you don't think
she's a cutie?

- Don't be snooty.
- She's a beauty,

- but I'm on duty.
- And you're married.

Well, yeah,
but that doesn't rhyme.

Sorry, I just get
so overprotective.

She's such a good kid.

I guarantee you,
she didn't steal those cars.

We caught her sitting in a
Bentley with a power amplifier

and a homemade override
plugged into the CAN bus.

Yeah, she guilty.

I can't believe you made us
think you were dead.

I can't believe
you're out here stealing cars.

- That's for lowlifes.
- You steal cars.

And I'm a lowlife.
A gorgeous, charming,

super smart lowlife
beloved by all.

I'm sorry, Dougie.

I was falling behind
on my student loans.

I had to do something.

Guys, if you weren't
working together,

how did she know
all your signature moves?

I found some of Doug's
old notebooks.

Those are notes
for my memoir.

Memoir?
Do you have title ideas yet?

I was just gonna call it
"The Pontiac Bandit..."

- Oh, is that it?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- I hated stealing cars.

I was gonna stop as soon

as nursing school was paid off,

I swear.
It was a mistake.

That's good enough for me.
Come on, Trudy, let's go home.

That's not really
how arresting works.

- She's going to jail.
- Wait, wait, wait.

What if we get you
a bigger fish?

What if we can get you Stefano?
Who?

That cherry red 1961 Ferrari
250GT California you took

belongs to a guy named
Stefano Lucas.

He thinks I did it,
and now he wants to kill me.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea.

It's all good.
You have the car,

so I call him,
tell him I'm not dead,

say I want to give him
his car back,

arrange a drop, and these guys
take him down or die trying.

That is interesting.

Stefano almost never comes out
in public.

It would be a huge collar
for the Nine-Nine.

- What do you say, Sarge?
- 100,000 push-ups?

Fine. If you deliver Stefano,
I'll talk to the DA

about a reduced sentence
for your sister.

Thank you so much.
There's just one problem.

I don't have the car.

I already handed it off
to a fence.

Oh, Judy, Judy,
you screwed me.

Four hours left.
We're down $58.

- Amy, where you at?
- Four drinks.

- What's four-drink Amy again?
- Why don't you come over here

and find out?
Right, Horny Amy.

It feels like you should retire
that one for the MeToo era.

Why don't you come over here
and make me?

All right, there's only
one thing left to do.

- Drink faster.
- Set a bunch of fires

throughout the city.
Mine's better.

No!

We can do this.

Things seem bleak now,

but the night is always darkest
before the dawn.

This is Shaw's.

We've had weddings here,

and funerals.

Shaw's is part of our family,

because that is what we are.

A family.

And we're not just Amy and Rosa

and Hitchcock and...

So the fence, Dallas,
he works in there.

I don't like him.
My rule?

Never trust anyone
named after a city.

What about Orlando Bloom?

I never thought about him
being named

after the city before,
and his last name is Bloom?

Wait a minute. Did we just
realize something crazy?

No, everyone knows
it's a crazy name.

Now can we just focus
on the meet-up?

- Fine.
- All right, Dallas is creepy

and paranoid, and he really
freaked me out that last time.

- I don't want to go in alone.
- Don't worry, kid.

I'll be there
right next to you, as always.

Aw. Sarge, why don't you say
stuff like that to me?

No, look, I do not trust
the Judys going anywhere alone.

Doug, you stay with Jake.
I'll go in with Trudy.

I just need a cover story.

We could say
that you're my boyfriend.

No. No, no, no,
I don't want

my little sister
fake-dating some pervert.

What?
Why am I a pervert?

Uh, have you ever met
a nice, normal guy

that wears suspenders
every day?

What kind of person
has to tie their pants down

to keep them from flying off?

That's not what suspenders
are for, man.

Guys, we don't have time

to figure out what suspenders
are for, all right?

Now, Trudy,
this is undercover work.

It can be very intense.
Are you sure you can handle it?

I mean, I'll do my best.

- Who's this?
- This is Deion. He's my man.

Ask me another question,
you simple little barn animal.

Okay, so she can handle it.

Why is your boyfriend here?

Who said boyfriend?
Deion and I freak,

then he shuts
his pretty little mouth

and lets me
handle my business.

I don't like the direction
this is going.

Easy.
She's just playing a part.

Pretty big age difference
here.

- Where'd you guys meet?
- The club.

Deion was a bouncer,

and I told him I wanted him
to bounce on me.

Oh, what is that?

Is she rubbing on his mic?

The mic that was taped
to his chest?

You should feel these.

They're like
two baseball bases.

Make 'em pop, daddy.

Daddy's not sure
this is the time.

Do it, daddy!

Ooh, ow!
Ooh, ow!

Get your hands off her,
pervert!

Judy! Judy!
I tried to stop him.

That's my baby sister
you're caressing.

What? How can I caress her
with my pecs?

Look at those things.
They got thumbs.

Guys, guys, stop!
Where is Dallas?

I think he got spooked
and ran away.

Good job, Doug Judy.

You just cost your sister
a chance at a reduced sentence.

Oh, no!
Why is my tone so playful?

Why is there a twinkle
in my eye?

Because I just found our
1961 Ferrari 250GT California.

Oh, ho, ho!

Ladies and gents
and pervert Terry,

we are in business.

Sorry, Sarge, I got caught up
in the moment there.

Guys, I threw up.

Oh, man, it's over.

- We need a miracle.
- I'm here.

Captain Holt!
How are you here?

You called me.
You didn't stop calling me.

I didn't call you.
Look.

You left 17 voicemails.

Here's one.

Holt!
You got to come save us.

We need a lie to get you here.

Charles, what should I say?

That I got shot in the face.

Ooh, and tell him
to bring pizza.

Whoo!
Crampon Holt!

We're losing.

Yeah!
Why are you dancing?

Oh, I was up
to nine-drink Amy,

who speaks French,

and then I hurl...

I hurl...
Hurled.

What she's trying to say
is that she vomited,

and now she's back down
to three-drink Amy,

or Amy Dance Pants.

You know it.

My God.

Hitchcock, are you the only
person still making sense?

Yeah. It's bad.

So are you gonna make us
give up, Clappin?

Or are you here to tell us
to stop?

No, I'm here to help you win.

What is happening?
Why is this?

It's something you said
on one of your voicemails,

after you had sung
the entirety of a song

called "Shake Whatcha
Mama Gave Ya."

You thought you had hung up,
but you hadn't.

Anyway, bye-bye.
What am I doing calling him?

He doesn't care about us
or what we want.

When I heard that,
I was shaken to my core.

I thought this bar
was beneath me,

but what was actually beneath
me was my own behavior.

- I had turned my back on...
- Holt!

We do not have time for this.

Just drinky, drinky!

Hank, bring me
a Charbonnay.

All right, Stefano
should be here any minute.

I just want to thank you guys
so much for helping me.

I don't deserve your kindness.

Hey, don't be so hard
on yourself.

We all make bad decisions
when we're younger.

- I was once in a flash mob.
- Ew.

Something's off about this.

I don't like leaving Judy
out there alone.

Relax, we have a tracker
on the car,

a tracker on Doug Judy,

and ESU has the entire area
surrounded.

- It's gonna be fine.
- We got movement.

Okay, everyone,
to your positions.

On my signal.

Hold. Hold.

Hold.

Sorry, I started holding
too soon.

Let's start over.
Hold.

Hold.

And...

Everyone, stop holding!
Go, go, go, go!

Where is he?
Where is he?

Got him.
They got Stefano.

No, not Stefano.
The Pontiac Bandit.

- Where is...
- Doug Judy here.

Y'all see that car blow up?

Yeah, we did.
Why did you do that?

You think I did that?

Doug Judy does not work
with fire.

Yeah, he's like the Hound
from "Game of Thrones."

I am like the Hound.
And you're my Arya.

- Right?
- Guys!

If Doug Judy didn't blow up
the car, who did?

- Trudy Judy. - Trudy Judy.
- Trudy Judy.

Damn, sir, you took
that Charbonnay to the house.

- How you feeling?
- Let me take stock.

My equilibrium is askew,

my vision is partially
impaired,

and I'm clearly slurring
my words.

To put a fine point on it,
your boy is turnt.

Well, well, well,
there's only a minute left,

and you are six bucks down.

I don't think you guys
are gonna make it.

Hank, another Charb.

This one's hot.
It was sitting on the radiator.

- He's never gonna make it.
- Yes, he will.

Just don't breathe.
Let the liquid into your lungs.

Five, four, three, two...

Closing time!
Cops win!

All right, fine,
the bar is yours.

But we're keeping this!

Come on.

Before we all go home
and pass out,

I want to say how sorry I am
that I deserted you earlier.

I want you to know that I care
about you all so very much,

each and every one of you.

Boyle, Santiago, Diaz,
Hitchcock...

All right, I have officers
looking for her.

She was on foot.
She couldn't have gone far.

This is her.

- Where are you, Trudy?
- In the wind, Dougie.

Okay, that's a cool thing to
say, but what are you doing?

They were gonna reduce
your charges.

Reduced charges
are still charges,

and I can't go to prison.

There are no dudes there,
and I need to smush!

- Trudy!
- Oh, grow up, Doug.

I'm an adult woman
who's horny all the time.

- What is going on?
- Oh, are you judging me, ho?

Trudy, running from the cops
is a felony.

That means no more
nursing school.

Good. It sucked.

I only went to, like,
one class.

- What?
- It was boring as hell.

So then I started running
Internet scams.

Then there was identity theft.

I was Queen Latifah for a bit.

Then Lil' Kim.
That was less believable.

But then I found
your old notebooks.

How come you never told me
how much fun car thieving is?

Because I didn't want you
to fall in love with it.

Wait, I'm confused.

When did you put the bomb
in the Ferrari?

I didn't do it.
Dallas did.

And Dallas isn't some criminal
I'm afraid of.

- He's my employee.
- Say what's up, Dallas.

- Wassup?
- Named after a city.

The hard part was
trying to figure out

how to tell him my plan,
so then I came up

with that whole
boyfriend thing,

because I needed a distraction.

I knew you'd rush in,
all weird and old-fashioned,

try to protect my honor.

How can I caress her
with my pecs?

Look at those things.
They got thumbs.

I don't need you
to protect me, Doug.

You're my baby sister.

I got to look out for you.

That's so sweet,
and also dumb.

I'll see you at Christmas,
sucker!

I love you, big bro.

Trudy!

Man, I am gutted.
This is awful.

Is this how you feel every time
I trick you?

Pretty much.
Yeah, it always hurts.

Wow, I'm sorry, man.

It must be really hard
to hang out with me.

Well, it's a tough
relationship,

but it's exciting.

Hey, Doug, I'm sorry
for not trusting you.

Turns out you had nothing to do
with this.

Oh, so you admit
people can change.

Yes. Bruce Banner's pants
and shirt were correct.

You know what this means,
right?

6,203.

6,204.

I am so glad I lost this bet.

I never find time
for things I enjoy.

This is so unsatisfying.

You're not even sweating.

It's too easy.
Get on my back, Jake.

- No, I'm not...
- Get on my back,

- Jake!
- Coming, strong man!

Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.
- Shh.