All language subtitles for suburgatory.s02e21.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

[instrumental music]

(Tessa)
After someone dumps you
and smashes your heart

into a million little pieces,
sometimes you blame yourself.

But not in this case.

♪ Tacks on the floor ♪

♪ And the TV is on ♪

Tessa, would it be okay
if we had a word with you?

Sorry, I'm not really
in the mood right now.

Uh, sometimes we inflect up
at the end of our sentences

but that doesn't mean
we're asking a question.

You know, they do that.
I've noticed.

Wow. Okay. So what
can I do for you ladies?

Ryan shared with us
that having your locker

so visible from his locker
is both distracting

and upsetting to him.

Ryan was wondering if you could

move your locker into there.

'Ryan would really
appreciate it.'

Really? Ryan said that?

Doesn't really
sound like Ryan.

It's mean, and it's also
kind of complicated.

Are you sure someone else
didn't come up with that idea?

[cell phones beep]

[in unison]
No, it was totes Ryan.

[music continues]

- This isn't over.
- Oh, oh..

I know where you
don't eat lunch!

[theme music]

♪ Last night ♪

♪ I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da da da da
da da da da ♪♪

So, how the big combo
with Tessa go?

Oh. Yeah. It didn't.

But on the other hand..

Coffee? I just brewed a pot.

George, I will not be
distracted by your brewery.

- Although I will take a cup.
- Yeah.

Black, with six equals.

[chuckles]
Look, I meant to talk
to Tessa this morning.

I really did, but, you know

she's-she's just getting
over her breakup with Ryan.

Plus she slept in.

Then it looked rainy out.

George McGovern Altman.

That is not my middle name.

Are you afraid
of your own daughter?

- Is that what's going on here?
- No.

But telling her
I unexpectedly sold the house..

Well, you got a cash offer.

They put a clock on you.

They did, they put
a clock to my head.

- It's a lot of pressure.
- I hear ya.

(Sheila)
I hear ya, too.

Whoa! Sheila,
what are you doing here?

I'm working,
unlike you decadent bohemians

I don't have the luxury
of sitting around

sipping coffee
at 8:00 a.m., pantyless.

I am 100% wearing
a flesh-colored panty.

She was talking about me.

Hey, I thought it was
your job to sell the house

not occupy it.

If I don't get this dump
through inspection

I don't get my commission
and the Shays

are living on crackers and tuna.

Now, does this look
like mold to you or..

...coffee grounds, mmm.

You're a blonde roast boy.
Should have known.

Okay. Sheila, this is kind
of a private conversation.

- So if you don't mind..
- Fine.

I am going to check
the discharge on your sump pump.

Look, I don't blame you
for being a little wary

of springing this on Tessa.

Redheads in particular,
can be skittish.

But she and I have a rapport,
maybe I can feel her out

on the whole
us living together thing.

- Co-parenting.
- Yes.

Right. Right.
Why not start now?

You can talk to her
after school.

Okay.
And you can pick up Dalia.

[instrumental music]

[car honking]

Backseat, huh? Okay.

Could you kill the air
back here?

Uh, sure.

'Good day at school?'

You might wonder why
I'm picking you up today

instead of your mom,
no big reason.

Just thought
we'd mix it up for once. Ahem.

And besides, I haven't gotten
to connect with you in a while.

I'm not stupid, Daddy Altman.
I know what this is.

You and mommy are at the stage
in your relationship

where you've decided
to move in together

only you're worried Tessa
won't react well, so you sent

mommy to deal with her
while you pick me up

in your compact,
fuel-efficient car.

I'm sorry I had to break
that to you.

I know you and Tessa haven't

always been the closest.

Tessa and I are great.
We're aces.

Just this morning at school
I was helping her

get through
her messy public breakup.

If we lived in the same house,
I could help her even harder.

That-I'm happy to hear that.

You can drop me off
just up here on the right.

- Oh. Okay.
- Keep the change.

What's that?

You don't have to..

Oh, man, I just hope
it's not the wrong move

letting Dallas broach
this thing with Tessa.

- Oh, no.
- What?

- Ohh.
- Oh, no.

Carmen and Bob..
Ugh-gh!

(Noah)
'Look at him lappin'
at her sample'

'like a sailor
on shore leave.'

He is really
getting in there.

That so-called
"health care professional"

learned the contents of my heart

only to tear them asunder!

Hey, take-take it easy.

For a therapist to go after
the love interest of a client

is wrong in every way,
but remember

before she was into him

she wasn't into you.

You need to move on, Noah.

[sighs]

You're right.
I need to move on.

No matter how painful.

I need to learn
to lick my own spoon.

(Tessa)
It was hard to concentrate

on whatever crap I was

supposed to concentrate on

when all I could do was think

about how to get back at Dalia.

I could tell everyone
her biggest secret..

...that she hooked up
with Jenna.

It would just be, like,
stooping to her level.

Yeah. And knowing her,
the whole thing would backfire

and become some cool trend.

It kind of already is.

You wanna make out?

Eh, I have gum.

What I really need to do is

find Dalia's biggest weakness

and ruthlessly exploit it.

There is another path, I mean

if you're open
enough to explore it.

- I said I had gum.
- Oh, it's not, not that.

It's this.

"Meow mix"?

'It's exactly
what you think it is.'

'A recording of yours truly'

meowing some of the top hits
of the late '80s early '90s.

'Just one listen
to my powerful rendition'

of Bonnie Tyler's
"Total Eclipse Of The Heart"

and suddenly seeking revenge

will seem like, I don't know,
"What a Fool Believes.."

...which I also happen
to meow on the B-side.

Hey. Do you mind?

Your dad said it was cool
for us to come in?

(Stephanie)
'It was recently
brought to our attention'

that you still have
Ryan's letterman jacket?

Gee, I wonder who brought
that to your attention.

We'd rather be discreet
and not say.

Dalia. I saw her texting
with you guys.

So I know it was Dalia.

Would you guys be interested
in hearing someone meow

Vanessa Williams'
"Save the Best for Last"?

No? Okay.

- What happened?
- I customized it.

You mutilated it.

Ryan gave me that jacket.

And the only reason
you're taking it back

is because Dalia told you to.

'Cause she knew
it would hurt me!

Which it did.

♪ Meow meow meow meow ♪♪

Okay, here we go.

Uh, I don't wanna sway to it.

- Do we have to sway to it?
- Yes.

(Tessa)
As Lisa tried to help me

find a healthy outlet
for my feelings..

...Noah was busy
pursuing an angle

that was slightly
more sinister.

(male #1)
And that's class.
my brothers.

[Noah grunts]

[chuckles]
Hey!

Dr. Bob. What?

Fancy running into you
here at the Open Lotus.

I guess our celestial orbits

are fated to intersect.

Perhaps, or perhaps..

...you're stalking me.

[laughs]

Perhaps, but look, if I were

it would just be to thank you.

- To thank me?
- Was I angry at first?

Naturally.
I wanted to see you dead.

But then I realized I was
clinging to a foolish dream

like a, like a little
child holding on to a balloon.

And thanks to you,
I was able to take

that beautiful round balloon..

...and let her go.

- I'm happy to hear that.
- Yeah.

But, but, but..
don't nama-go just yet.

Nama-stay for a second.

I wanna thank you,
I wanna show you my gratitude.

- That's really not necessary..
- Hey.

I got an idea.

Why don't you come into
my office for a cleaning?

Free. On the house.

It has been a while since
I've been in for a cleaning.

I-I shouldn't admit this
but I've always been

a bit terrified
of the dentist, so..

Bob, there is nothing

to be afraid of, nothing.

As Noah's revenge scenario
was falling

beautifully into place..

...mine was barely
taking shape.

Drowning.

Pros..

...lethal..

...bloated corpse..

...fish-eaten face..

Cons..

One might say I was avoiding
feeling bad about Ryan

by focusing
all my anger on Dalia

but one should mind
their own business.

Hi, hon.

Just wanted to see
how you're doing post-breakup.

Oh, I'm doing great.

Someone tell you
I wasn't doing great?

T-Pain, you don't
have to pretend with me.

I know you're hurtin'.

But there is a place
where all your troubles

will melt away
like so much provolone.

So what you do is
you roll your noodles

into a big ball, along with
all the sauce and cheese

and shame and anger and hurt

and then you
just stuff it right down.

Mmm, speaking
of eating things..

...does Dalia have any

life-threatening food allergies
I should know about?

- I don't think so.
- Night terrors?

What does she fear

will come for her
when she sleeps?

Tessa, is it my imagination

or are you starting
to take a sisterly

interest in my baby girl?

Are you finally starting to
consider my little Dalia doodle

as part of your family?
Because--

Let me be perfectly
clear about one thing

there's nothing doodly
about Dalia.

And although you two may
share superficial similarities

you are a nice person,
and she is, in fact, the devil.

[instrumental music]

Well, that-that sounds
like it was a disaster.

I don't know
what to tell you, George.

I had to abort mission
and take my tagliatelle to go.

Did-did you bring up
the offer on the house?

I didn't get the chance to.

That girl of yours
has a lot of anger in her heart

and she seems to be
directing it all at Dalia.

Maybe we should put this
whole move-in plan on hold.

We can't. They're pushing
to close in the next two weeks.

Well, then you need to get
up there and talk to her.

Right. Okay.

I will do that.

It makes sense,
that's what needs to be done.

So, that's what I'm gonna do..

...right after
I take out the trash. Ahem.

The longer you wait,
the harder it's gonna be.

Right, or maybe she'll..

...she'll mellow, you know?

Like a, like a fine wine.

Yeah, let's, let's
let her breathe.

When my direct approach
to getting intel on Dalia

didn't pan out, I decided
to go a little more covert.

Alright, picture's up.

Although, uh, you really
shouldn't be watching this.

(Lisa)
'It's true.
We don't have a warrant.'

(Reggie)
'No, I meant 'cause
the resolution's only 480p.'

Hello? 2008 called, they want
their component cables back--

Shut up, Reggie!

'She's glossing. Can we
get tighter on this gloss?'

Okay, I'm not Wes Anderson.

Now what is it that
you're hoping to gain from this?

Information I can use
to destroy her.

Okay, well, if it's destruction
that you're after

I have a far better plan.

If this is at all cat related..

Step one

we undergo training
to become certified

as two of society's most
important professionals.

Notary publics. Of course.

Then we spend 20, 25 years
building a reputation

in the Chatswin community.

One day, who's to
walk in our door

needing a notarized signature
on a mortgage document?

Is it time-sensitive?

You bet it is.

She needs it
by the end of the day.

What do we do?

We deny her.

Shh, something's happening.

'Look at that little slut.'

'She's all over Ryan.'

- Did you see that?
- She knows.

Hey, how much does
a bed like this go for new?

Get out, Reggie.

Yeah, okay. That makes sense.

I can't believe this.

Outsmarted by Dalia?

What has happened to me?

It's like...I've lost my edge.

[instrumental music]

Your lesbian boots.

Sorry I let you down, friends.

Sorry I started wearing

ballet flats and Chuck Taylors.

I am sorry I forgot about us.

Do you guys need a minute?
'Cause I can come back.

I'm the one
who's coming back, Lisa.

I'm the one who's coming back.

Yeah, you is.

Is this procedure going
to be at all painful?

I have a very low
threshold for discomfort.

I bet that's not true.

So you got any
travel plans coming up?

Funny you should ask.

We were thinking
about trying out

this new eco-resort
in Costa Rica.

[chuckles]
C-Costa Rica?

Oh, I am so sorry.

Let me just silence

this sext from Carmen.

[opera music]

[gasps]
Open wide.

[retching]

You just cried down my throat!

You stole my true love!

Oh, I knew this was a mistake.

- I never should have come here.
- Tell me, doctor. Tell me.

Wh-what magic arrow did you use
to pierce her heart?

There is no magic, Noah.

There's no big secret.

I just listen to her.

Sorry. Come again now?

In my experience,
all women ever want

is to feel heard,
and I am a very good listener.

[sighs]

You listen?

I don't think I can do that.

I'm not trying to blame-shift.

But you are partly responsible.

I mean, the house
wasn't even on the market.

If you are done whining
and crumbing up my carpet

I'm ready to drop some science.

Please.

Every teenager
loves to scream and shout

and text and tweet
about how unfair it is

that they're not in charge.

And the fact is,
being in charge

is the last thing
that they want.

And despite the fact
that many of them dress as old

French whores they are still
children, and they're scared.

I've got a stack
of parenting books right there

that says the same exact thing.

Stop being her friend

and start being in charge.

- I'm in charge.
- Then prove it.

Be the bigger animal.

Tell her, "Daddy bear is here,
and he is in control."

Daddy bear. I like that.

Yeah. In control. I can do that.

Wow, all this talk about
authority, it reminds me

I have to
update Fred's chore chart.

Finished hand-washing
your underwear, Sheila.

Oh. Two more stars,
you get a pizza party.

Vroom!

Pepperoni will
be in attendance!

♪ Ditto for my best friend ♪

♪ Fruit punch ♪

I love fruit punch.

[sighs]

(Tessa)
Once I discovered
my old New York boots

it was like I discovered
my old New York self.

Because before I softened
into Ryan's girlfriend

I was kind of a badass.

And I wasn't gonna
let some vapid

self-obsessed mall queen
bully me.

[groans]

Oops. Sorry.

In that green jacket I thought

you were a garbage can.

If you ever want to enter into
a legally binding agreement--

Lisa? I got this.

After endless hours
of considering endless ways

to get back at Dalia

the answer was finally
crystal clear.

Dalia was a punk

and punks jump up
to get beat down.

[instrumental music]

- Aah!
- Oh!

[groaning]

Ugh! Unh!

You know, for a small man,
you fight like a girl.

♪ Margarita ♪

♪ Margarita
why you look so sad? ♪

- Hi-yah!
- Oh-h!

♪ Hey Margarita ♪

[grunts]

[crashes]

[groaning]

- Jenna says hi.
- Ryan says hi.

- Your dad says hi.
- Your mom says hi.

[screaming]

[both grunting]

♪ Margarita
why you look so sad? ♪

- Where'd he go?
- 'Up here, bitch.'

[instrumental music]

[both grunting]

Girls! That's it!

I want to see
both of you in my office!

Now!

Let go of each other's hair.

'Fine, then keep pulling
each other's hair.'

But follow me to my office.

[both grunting]

Not my eyelash extensions.

Please! I just got them sewn in.

(Tessa)
What happened to me?

How did I become this violent,
blood-thirsty maniac?

I'm gonna give you one chance

to apologize for being
an unrelenting bitch

since day one.

Too little too late!

[screaming]

[instrumental music]

- And?
- Didn't hurt a bit.

That's the topical.
It's a good topical.

Always ask for some.

Hmm, I will.

I wish you and Carmen..

...every happiness.

You'll find your happiness,
too, someday.

I just know it.

I feel like I already have.

That's great.

Uh, you're gonna...be numb

for the next couple of hours

but then after that..

...you'll feel everything.

[laughing]

Daddy bear. Daddy bear.

[clears throat]
Just be the bear. Rawr-r-r.

'Okay. Here we go.'

Hey, Tess. Welcome home.
Oh, I sold the house.

- What?
- Yeah.

What happened to your face?

Never mind my face.

What did you just say?

You look like you've been
run over by a truck.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I fell.

You sold the house?

We're moving?

Yes! Thank you, God!

Okay. Okay. There's no,
no God involved.

We're moving,
but not out of Chatswin.

Dallas is gonna put her
place on the market, too.

So are you telling me

I have to share a house
with Dalia?

Okay. Okay, now,
I know you and Dalia

have had your
ups and downs, but..

...you know, I think living
with, with her and Dallas

is gonna...round out our family.

- It's gonna be good for us.
- "Good for us?"

- Are you out of your mind?
- O-okay, Tessa..

Do you wanna know
what happened to my face?

- Yeah.
- Dalia.

- Is that true?
- Yeah, and I happened to hers.

And let me tell you something,
she looks a lot worse than me.

That is her hair.

And part of her scalp.

- P-part of her scalp?
- Yeah, George.

And for that reason,
Dalia and I

will never live
under the same roof.

ever.

So..

...make your
decision carefully.

I've made my decision, Tessa.

That's-that's not gonna change.

Fine.

Then...so have I.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means..

...I'm outta here.

[dramatic music]