All language subtitles for suburgatory.s02e20.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Dallas)
'If you want me to say
"I'm sorry," fine.'

I'm sorry
I didn't record it in HD.

But I really don't see
that much of a difference.

Okay, but that-that is what
upsets me the most.

There's a huge
difference, Dallas.

Why don't we just
agree to disagree, okay?

High-def, low-def,
most def. I don't care.

Babe, it's an objective fact

HD is better than regular D.
They improved it.

Why wouldn't you want something
that's been improved?

It's like a doctor
offering you penicillin

and going, "No, thanks.
I'll go with leeches."

Look, George,
it's been a long day.

Fine, I'm just saying we pay
all this money for cable

we should at least
get our money's worth.

Oh, you're gonna get
your money's worth.

That came out
sounding a little prostitutey

but you know what I mean.

I'm serious, Dallas.

It's not just the cable.

You know, we also have
two Netflix accounts.

I mean, who are we?
Jay-Z and Beyonce?

Think about it,
if we lived together

we would save on groceries,
on utilities--

So what are you saying, George?

You wanna move in with me 'cause
it sounds like a good deal?

Well, yeah.
But also 'cause it makes sense.

I mean, we're stable.
We're happy.

We're over at each other's
houses all the time.

Let's consolidate.

Well, when you
put it like that..

Yeah. Come on.

Let's-let's shack up

and stick it
to our cable providers.

- Just think about it, okay?
- Okay. I'll think about it.

(Tessa)
While George and Dallas
contemplated a future together

I was going through
the opposite experience.

My boyfriend
was preparing to leave

and all of Chatswin
was waiting for him to announce

which college
he would play football

and, theoretically,
take classes at.

I'm, like,
freaking out right now.

Like, the press conference
is tomorrow

and I have no idea
what I'm gonna decide.

What should I decide?

Why don't you just say
you need more time

and postpone
until you've decided?

No, I-I can't.
It's like a whole thing.

There are hats involved.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

Then let's go through
the options again.

- Okay.
- Rutgers.

Super solid team,
super close to Chatswin

and super good
for maintaining our love.

- And then there's..
- Mid Florida Tech.

They are one of the all-time
winningest-est-est teams

in the country.

And it's my childhood dream
to go there

and own my own alligator
that I keep

in the stands
and teach to say my name

so it can cheer for me
during games.

- But..
- But it's Florida.

I'd be out of sight
and possibly out of mind

and when you came to visit

your hair would probably
look horrendous.

Right, but you
can't pick a school

based on how the climate's
gonna make my hair look.

No.

- No?
- No.

No.

I think I've decided.
I want you to decide for me.

Ryan, look, I'm happy
to help you make this decision

but it has to be your decision.

Okay.

(girls)
'Ryan Shay! Ryan Shay!'

Mid Florida Tech
wants you real bad.

[instrumental music]

Wha-a-at?

I'm, like, halfway
to an alligator here.

Okay. That's enough.

Seriously, whores. Beat it.

Aw, they seem sweet.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

Not a lot of curb appeal.

But what she lacks in looks,
she makes up for in girth.

That's a handsome lot
you're sitting on.

- You lookin' to sell?
- Oh, no.

No one takes pictures
of their house for no reason.

What's the story, sport?
Can't make the payments?

Got a thing for the ponies?
You back on the pipe?

Look, Dallas and I
are thinking of--

Living in sin?
Hurting God's feelings?

Moving in together.
Potentially.

So I guess you could say

I'm considering putting
my place on the market.

But we're not there yet.

What if I told you
I had a buyer?

A buyer?

I have a couple who are dying
to live on this block

and who would probably
pay well above market

for that pile of peeling paint
you call home.

How far above market?

That remains to be seen.

Hi, Tessa.

Oh, hey, Dalia.

Ryan's totes lucky to have you

to help him make his
big decision or whatever.

Just a sounding board really.

He's still totes lucky.

You're really good
at getting involved in things

you don't really need
to get involved in.

Uh, thank you.

Listen, Dalia,
are you upset

that I found out
you hooked up with Jenna?

'Cause I didn't tell anyone.

OMG, that's totes not it.

I just hope one day
I can return the favor

and get involved
with something

you might not want me
involved in.

That's all.

[instrumental music]

Like what?

Okay, so these are
the California schools.

How do you feel
about California?

- You mean sexually?
- No.

Ryan, before you answer,
just remember

that if you go
that far away

your mother and I
will die of grief.

Upon which I will bury them,
sell your belongings

and move to Oregon.

So University of Oregon?

She's my only
remaining family, Tessa.

We need a rational adult.
Where's Sheila?

Sheila was avoiding dealing
with the pain of Ryan leaving

by throwing herself into work,
headlamp first.

Leslie.

Leslie.

Leslie!

Leslie!

Oh, Sheila, hi.

Boy, am I glad
to run into you.

You know me.
I love this neighborhood.

I know you do.

I jog through every night

just hoping one of these
places will go on the market.

- Yeah.
- I can't help it. I just..

I see us here.

I see you here, too.

In fact, I see you right...here

Is that house being listed?

Nope. And it never will be.

Because you are going to buy it

before anyone else
gets the chance to.

- Oh, Sheila.
- I know.

I know.
We could be neighbors.

I could help you
raise the baby.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, they grow up so fast.

Oh, before you know it,
he'll be a man

and ready to abandon you
for college.

- Oh, she's actually a girl.
- Oh.

Well, you can always try again.

[laughs]

Thank you both
for agreeing to a sidebar.

Obviously, dad can't
discuss the matter without--

[Fred crying]
'My beautiful boy!'

'My velveteen colt!'

Did he just say,
"Velveteen colt?"

Listen, I know which school
Ryan should go to.

And my endorsement
is completely unbiased.

Uh, Lisa? Whoa.

Where did that come from?

Tessa, the origin
of that insanely gorgeous

80-inch flat screen
is unimportant.

What is important is this.

"The North Las Vegas Institute
for Casino Studies?"

- Go, gamblers!
- Is that a big sports school?

Um, it's a big sports
betting school.

Lisa Marie Shay.
I can't believe you.

You sold out for a flat screen?

And a pair of snakeskin boots

that quite frankly look like
they belong on Toby Keith?

These here are premium snake

not to mention

the pearl finish Escalade.
Holla.

They gave you
a pearl finish Escalade?

Holla.

They gave you
a pearl finish Es..

Oh, wow!

- We're leaving.
- Wait. No. Ryan.

If you won't
listen to me, at least

just listen
to your birth mother.

[instrumental music]

Hello there. I'm your mama.

- Carmen Electra.
- Mama?

I always knew
I was an Electra.

In my heart I knew it.

Ryan Electra.

'That sounds right.'

Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh.

Carmen Electra,
is there any chance

you are Ryan's birth mother?

No.

But you know who would be

like a birth mother to you?

The North Las Vegas Institute
for Casino Studies.

Shame on you both.

I drown out my shame

with a car that goes boom.

♪ Supersonic ♪

♪ Supersonic motivating rhymes
are creating ♪

♪ And everybody knows that
J.J. Fad is devastating ♪

♪ Supersonic ♪♪

We'll need to re-cover
that couch. Something calico.

O-okay. Again,
this is super premature.

Mmh, lose the family photos

particularly
the super gay ones.

Super gay ones?
That's me and my grandfather.

Doesn't matter. We'll want her
to see herself living here.

Not you and your handsy gramps.

If we do a little
spending on the front end

we'll more than make up for it
on the back end.

Leslie will enter this property
and see her dream home

not the time-worn creepy shack
of a pansexual loner.

Now, I need to see your attic.

[gasps]
Yep.

- This'll be the crafts room.
- The what now?

Your future buyer, she shared
something with me, George.

Her childhood
was whiled away

in an attic
she converted to a crafts room.

She has very fond memories

of the bedazzling,
the ribbon barrette making

and the felt puppet work
that space nurtured.

So for Leslie,
this room will be

pi-ece de resistance.

Okay, you know what, I-I think
we're putting the cart

before the horse here.
Dallas hasn't even said yes.

We're dipping a toe, George.

We're just dipping a toe.

Alright. What do you
want me to do?

Something you'd eventually
have to do anyway.

Order up a dumpster
and dispose of this trash.

A-and by trash, you mean
my memories and family history?

Yes.

Oh, my God. Do you have
a hamster, George?

Clean that up.
That's unsanitary.

'Have you heard
of the hantavirus?'

Did we all get the raspberry
in the finish?

- Yes.
- That was a trick question.

There was no raspberry
in the finish.

Didn't you used to get towels?

With any luck,
by this time next year

we'll be toasting
at your wedding.

Oh, I don't know about all that.

Oh, I think Carmen's right.

George asking you to move in
is one step closer to him ask--

We're really just doing it for
practical reasons, primarily.

What do you mean
practical reasons?

You know, to save money
on the gas we use

driving to each other's
houses...and so forth.

(female #1)
'Are you crying?'

[crying]
No.

[crying]
Yes.

Javier, could you
get me a towel?

What on earth
is wrong with you, Dallas?

This is the most exciting thing
that ever happened to you.

- And you met Garry Shandling.
- I know, y'all. I know.

I just thought George asking me
to move in with him

would be more...romantic.

Oh, men don't know
how to be romantic.

Bob does.

The first time we made love

was on a bed of rose petals

that he hot-glued
to my mattress.

'He whispered
in my native tongue'

'that my body was a wonderland.'

And finally,
when I could take no more

he made me arrive.

In fact, I arrived a lot earlier
than I usually do.

I'm gonna hit the showers.

Thanks again for helping me out
with this, man.

(Noah)
'No problem, my Nubian.'

Okay, keep, dump, or storage?

Are you kidding me?
Look at this.

Flap in the back?
Two-tone pockets?

It's a Gordon Gartrell. Keep.

This is a dump
if ever I saw one.

- This is a big, steaming dump.
- Hey.

Keep.

Oh, man.
This is Alex's stuff.

- Dump.
- No, I...I can't do that.

Some of her songwriting
notebooks are in here.

(Noah)
'So?'

No one wants to hear her

poor man's Lisa Loeb-style

vag ballads.

- Dump.
- No. I can't do that.

So...keep?

Well, I don't wanna
keep, either.

But...storage seems weird

and dump just seems mean.

So is there a new category,
is that what you're saying?

That even after
all of these years

your ex-wife
still gets her own category?

While George tried to figure
out how to deal with his past

I was still trying to help
Ryan navigate his future

and time was running out.

Okay, I made a list

of all the pros and cons
of every school.

Tessa, you're blinding me
with science.

I have no idea
what you're saying right now.

The press conference
is tomorrow.

- And nobody's helping me.
- Excuse me. I'm helping you.

I wish I could just
spin a wheel of fortune

and land on the right answer.

Okay. Well, then how about this?

I'll write down the names
of all the schools

put 'em in a hat, and you can

close your eyes and pick one.

The hat will decide.

Well, actually,
the draw will decide.

Fine. The hat.

This was a stupid idea.

This isn't how you
pick a college.

You choose the school
that feels right to you.

The school where you
see yourself.

I knew which school that was,
and so did Ryan.

So instead of
letting him wind up

somewhere he didn't wanna go..

You rigged the draw?

- Mid Florida Tech.
- Wow.

If I threw it all away
and left it up to actual chance

he could have ended up at
the North Las Vegas Institute

for Casino Studies.

- Oh.
- And, uh..

I'm not that much of a gambler.

No. Me, either.

But I do like the slots.

- Do you think I messed up?
- Tessa, no.

I think you put his happiness
before yours

and that's what love is.

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, thanks, Helen.

Like I said, I just
felt weird throwing it away.

Well, Alex uses my apartment

as her personal
storage unit, anyway.

So what's one more box
on the pile?

Well, um, okay.
Thank-thanks again.

I'll see you.

She always had a grip on you,
didn't she?

What's that?

- Alex.
- Oh.

I don't know..

...what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

I...I know how hard
it must have been

for you to drive that box
over here

to let go.

This woman
you're moving in with

she must be really special.

[sighs]
You know what?

She is.

And this is the attic.

Or as it's called
by the current owners

the crafts garret.

Oh. Hello there.

Oh, 'ello.
I didn't hear you come in.

I were just sewin' my poppet.

Leslie, you just have to see
the view from that window.

[whispering]
Take it easy, kid.

You're supposed to be
a crafts geek

not a Victorian ghost.

The accent felt right
for my character.

Hey. It's my character.

I'm just letting you play her.

So, Leslie, what do you think?

This is it, Sheila.
This is home.

[screaming]

[laughing]

Finally, the moment of truth

she said ironically

had arrived.

Whatever happens, I'll be fine.

I have my career
and I have the two of you

and I have Leslie
and Leslie's baby, Ryanna.

Which, of course,
is not her name. Yet.

(Wolfe)
'Good afternoon.'

Wow.

Let me begin by saying

we haven't seen
this much press at Chatswin High

since our
former drama instructor

staged an underage production
of "The Full Monty."

Oh, it was so good.
Such brave young men--

Don't even. Stop it.

Without further ado

here's the man of the hour

Ryan "The Body" Shay.

[all cheering]

(female #2)
'Ryan! Whoo!'

- 'Yeah, bro!'
- Wow. Hey, everyone.

Thank you all so much
for coming.

I know you're all waiting
to hear my decision.

And it was not an easy decision,
but I decided it.

Rutgers is awesome!

- Thank you, God.
- He's a merciful Lord.

- But I'm not going there.
- Oh, I never trusted you.

He's not real.
I knew he wasn't.

- So then I thought..
- Go, gamblers. Go, gamblers.

...I will not go to this school.

He's not even gonna fake us out?
He's just not going?

So finally, I decided

that I only have three words
left to say.

[dramatic music]

And those three words
are Mid Florida Tech, baby!

[crowd applauding]

Oh, Fred. It's okay.

Thank you, Chatswin. So long.

[instrumental music]

It wasn't goodbye necessarily.

It was just...so long.

Follow your dreams.

- And don't eat carbs.
- Wow!

You have to do both
if you wanna achieve greatness.

Thanks, man.
A-a-and congrats.

Come here.

Yeah. Congrats, Ryan.

We're really gonna miss you,
and whatever.

Thanks, Dalia.

I'm really gonna
miss you guys too.

Yeah.

It must have been so hard

deciding to leave Chatswin

and Tessa.

It was hardest on the hat,
I think.

The hat decided
and I have the hat to thank

because everything

turned out just how
it was supposed to, you know?

Totes.

Unless it didn't.

What is that supposed to mean?

- Why don't you ask Tessa?
- Ask Tessa what?

Ask her why all
the little pieces of paper

that she put in the hat said
the same school's name on them.

Tessa played you, Ryan.

Okay, now I know you're lying

because if Tessa was gonna write
the same college over and over

she would have written Rutgers,
so her and I would be closer.

Unless she didn't
want you to be closer.

Anyway, like I said..

...congrats.

How could you do this to me?

You mean how could I
you?

Look, Ryan, I know
that's where you wanted to go

and the only thing
standing in your way was me.

You're right.

You were the only thing
standing in my way.

Ryan, I'm sorry.
Please don't be mad at me.

I'm mad at you.
I'm super mad at you.

The hat was gonna decide.

But what if the hat

sent you someplace
that you didn't want to go?

It wasn't your call, Tessa.

But you said
I could pick anyway.

Do you remember that?
You asked me to choose.

So, in a way, I did.

- Right?
- Right.

And what you chose
was to send me away

instead of keeping me
close to you

and that's what
hurts me the most.

[sighs]

♪ Come out restless heart.. ♪

So...what now?

♪ But you don't say.. ♪

Nothing now.

We're over.

♪ I would wait all my days ♪

♪ To hear the words
I need you.. ♪

I just can't believe you got
an offer on your house already.

I mean, it wasn't even
on the market.

Y-yeah.

Well, you know

may-maybe..
Maybe it was meant to be.

Or maybe Sheila is just
really good at her job.

Yeah.

Are you, are you
getting cold feet?

Yes.

But for me, it's more
of a circulation thing.

My hands are always cold too.

Well, then..

...I will warm them..

...every night.

That's a promise.

[sighs]
George Altman

are you getting romantic on me?

I'm trying.

♪ To keep me.. ♪

What do you say?

Should we go for it..

...or not?

♪ But you don't.. ♪

- We go for it.
- Yeah?

♪ Anything ♪

♪ Do you? ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

So who's gonna tell Tessa?

[sighs]

I still can't imagine
how he found out.

The only person I told
was Dallas.

You think...she said
something to Ryan?

'Well, then who?'

Why aren't you saying anything?

Because I can't say anything.

Dalia.

Do you think Dalia did this?

She definitely did this.
She did this.

Tessa, I tried to warn you
about her.

Yeah, well how about this, Lisa?

How about you warn her about me?

Because this time..

...she messed
with the wrong bitch.