Original subtitles

(Dallas) 'If you want me to say "I'm sorry," fine.'

I'm sorry I didn't record it in HD.

But I really don't see that much of a difference.

Okay, but that-that is what upsets me the most.

There's a huge difference, Dallas.

Why don't we just agree to disagree, okay?

High-def, low-def, most def. I don't care.

Babe, it's an objective fact

HD is better than regular D. They improved it.

Why wouldn't you want something that's been improved?

It's like a doctor offering you penicillin

and going, "No, thanks. I'll go with leeches."

Look, George, it's been a long day.

Fine, I'm just saying we pay all this money for cable

we should at least get our money's worth.

Oh, you're gonna get your money's worth.

That came out sounding a little prostitutey

but you know what I mean.

I'm serious, Dallas.

It's not just the cable.

You know, we also have two Netflix accounts.

I mean, who are we? Jay-Z and Beyonce?

Think about it, if we lived together

we would save on groceries, on utilities--

So what are you saying, George?

You wanna move in with me 'cause it sounds like a good deal?

Well, yeah. But also 'cause it makes sense.

I mean, we're stable. We're happy.

We're over at each other's houses all the time.

Let's consolidate.

Well, when you put it like that..

Yeah. Come on.

Let's-let's shack up

and stick it to our cable providers.

- Just think about it, okay? - Okay. I'll think about it.

(Tessa) While George and Dallas contemplated a future together

I was going through the opposite experience.

My boyfriend was preparing to leave

and all of Chatswin was waiting for him to announce

which college he would play football

and, theoretically, take classes at.

I'm, like, freaking out right now.

Like, the press conference is tomorrow

and I have no idea what I'm gonna decide.

What should I decide?

Why don't you just say you need more time

and postpone until you've decided?

No, I-I can't. It's like a whole thing.

There are hats involved.

- Okay. - Uh-huh.

Then let's go through the options again.

- Okay. - Rutgers.

Super solid team, super close to Chatswin

and super good for maintaining our love.

- And then there's.. - Mid Florida Tech.

They are one of the all-time winningest-est-est teams

in the country.

And it's my childhood dream to go there

and own my own alligator that I keep

in the stands and teach to say my name

so it can cheer for me during games.

- But.. - But it's Florida.

I'd be out of sight and possibly out of mind

and when you came to visit

your hair would probably look horrendous.

Right, but you can't pick a school

based on how the climate's gonna make my hair look.

No.

- No? - No.

No.

I think I've decided. I want you to decide for me.

Ryan, look, I'm happy to help you make this decision

but it has to be your decision.

Okay.

(girls) 'Ryan Shay! Ryan Shay!'

Mid Florida Tech wants you real bad.

[instrumental music]

Wha-a-at?

I'm, like, halfway to an alligator here.

Okay. That's enough.

Seriously, whores. Beat it.

Aw, they seem sweet.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

Not a lot of curb appeal.

But what she lacks in looks, she makes up for in girth.

That's a handsome lot you're sitting on.

- You lookin' to sell? - Oh, no.

No one takes pictures of their house for no reason.

What's the story, sport? Can't make the payments?

Got a thing for the ponies? You back on the pipe?

Look, Dallas and I are thinking of--

Living in sin? Hurting God's feelings?

Moving in together. Potentially.

So I guess you could say

I'm considering putting my place on the market.

But we're not there yet.

What if I told you I had a buyer?

A buyer?

I have a couple who are dying to live on this block

and who would probably pay well above market

for that pile of peeling paint you call home.

How far above market?

That remains to be seen.

Hi, Tessa.

Oh, hey, Dalia.

Ryan's totes lucky to have you

to help him make his big decision or whatever.

Just a sounding board really.

He's still totes lucky.

You're really good at getting involved in things

you don't really need to get involved in.

Uh, thank you.

Listen, Dalia, are you upset

that I found out you hooked up with Jenna?

'Cause I didn't tell anyone.

OMG, that's totes not it.

I just hope one day I can return the favor

and get involved with something

you might not want me involved in.

That's all.

[instrumental music]

Like what?

Okay, so these are the California schools.

How do you feel about California?

- You mean sexually? - No.

Ryan, before you answer, just remember

that if you go that far away

your mother and I will die of grief.

Upon which I will bury them, sell your belongings

and move to Oregon.

So University of Oregon?

She's my only remaining family, Tessa.

We need a rational adult. Where's Sheila?

Sheila was avoiding dealing with the pain of Ryan leaving

by throwing herself into work, headlamp first.

Leslie.

Leslie.

Leslie!

Leslie!

Oh, Sheila, hi.

Boy, am I glad to run into you.

You know me. I love this neighborhood.

I know you do.

I jog through every night

just hoping one of these places will go on the market.

- Yeah. - I can't help it. I just..

I see us here.

I see you here, too.

In fact, I see you right...here

Is that house being listed?

Nope. And it never will be.

Because you are going to buy it

before anyone else gets the chance to.

- Oh, Sheila. - I know.

I know. We could be neighbors.

I could help you raise the baby.

Yeah.

Oh. Oh, they grow up so fast.

Oh, before you know it, he'll be a man

and ready to abandon you for college.

- Oh, she's actually a girl. - Oh.

Well, you can always try again.

[laughs]

Thank you both for agreeing to a sidebar.

Obviously, dad can't discuss the matter without--

[Fred crying] 'My beautiful boy!'

'My velveteen colt!'

Did he just say, "Velveteen colt?"

Listen, I know which school Ryan should go to.

And my endorsement is completely unbiased.

Uh, Lisa? Whoa.

Where did that come from?

Tessa, the origin of that insanely gorgeous

80-inch flat screen is unimportant.

What is important is this.

"The North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies?"

- Go, gamblers! - Is that a big sports school?

Um, it's a big sports betting school.

Lisa Marie Shay. I can't believe you.

You sold out for a flat screen?

And a pair of snakeskin boots

that quite frankly look like they belong on Toby Keith?

These here are premium snake

not to mention

the pearl finish Escalade. Holla.

They gave you a pearl finish Escalade?

Holla.

They gave you a pearl finish Es..

Oh, wow!

- We're leaving. - Wait. No. Ryan.

If you won't listen to me, at least

just listen to your birth mother.

[instrumental music]

Hello there. I'm your mama.

- Carmen Electra. - Mama?

I always knew I was an Electra.

In my heart I knew it.

Ryan Electra.

'That sounds right.'

Oh, my God. Oh, my gosh.

Carmen Electra, is there any chance

you are Ryan's birth mother?

No.

But you know who would be

like a birth mother to you?

The North Las Vegas Institute for Casino Studies.

Shame on you both.

I drown out my shame

with a car that goes boom.

♪ Supersonic ♪

♪ Supersonic motivating rhymes are creating ♪

♪ And everybody knows that J.J. Fad is devastating ♪

♪ Supersonic ♪♪

We'll need to re-cover that couch. Something calico.

O-okay. Again, this is super premature.

Mmh, lose the family photos

particularly the super gay ones.

Super gay ones? That's me and my grandfather.

Doesn't matter. We'll want her to see herself living here.

Not you and your handsy gramps.

If we do a little spending on the front end

we'll more than make up for it on the back end.

Leslie will enter this property and see her dream home

not the time-worn creepy shack of a pansexual loner.

Now, I need to see your attic.

[gasps] Yep.

- This'll be the crafts room. - The what now?

Your future buyer, she shared something with me, George.

Her childhood was whiled away

in an attic she converted to a crafts room.

She has very fond memories

of the bedazzling, the ribbon barrette making

and the felt puppet work that space nurtured.

So for Leslie, this room will be

pi-ece de resistance.

Okay, you know what, I-I think we're putting the cart

before the horse here. Dallas hasn't even said yes.

We're dipping a toe, George.

We're just dipping a toe.

Alright. What do you want me to do?

Something you'd eventually have to do anyway.

Order up a dumpster and dispose of this trash.

A-and by trash, you mean my memories and family history?

Yes.

Oh, my God. Do you have a hamster, George?

Clean that up. That's unsanitary.

'Have you heard of the hantavirus?'

Did we all get the raspberry in the finish?

- Yes. - That was a trick question.

There was no raspberry in the finish.

Didn't you used to get towels?

With any luck, by this time next year

we'll be toasting at your wedding.

Oh, I don't know about all that.

Oh, I think Carmen's right.

George asking you to move in is one step closer to him ask--

We're really just doing it for practical reasons, primarily.

What do you mean practical reasons?

You know, to save money on the gas we use

driving to each other's houses...and so forth.

(female #1) 'Are you crying?'

[crying] No.

[crying] Yes.

Javier, could you get me a towel?

What on earth is wrong with you, Dallas?

This is the most exciting thing that ever happened to you.

- And you met Garry Shandling. - I know, y'all. I know.

I just thought George asking me to move in with him

would be more...romantic.

Oh, men don't know how to be romantic.

Bob does.

The first time we made love

was on a bed of rose petals

that he hot-glued to my mattress.

'He whispered in my native tongue'

'that my body was a wonderland.'

And finally, when I could take no more

he made me arrive.

In fact, I arrived a lot earlier than I usually do.

I'm gonna hit the showers.

Thanks again for helping me out with this, man.

(Noah) 'No problem, my Nubian.'

Okay, keep, dump, or storage?

Are you kidding me? Look at this.

Flap in the back? Two-tone pockets?

It's a Gordon Gartrell. Keep.

This is a dump if ever I saw one.

- This is a big, steaming dump. - Hey.

Keep.

Oh, man. This is Alex's stuff.

- Dump. - No, I...I can't do that.

Some of her songwriting notebooks are in here.

(Noah) 'So?'

No one wants to hear her

poor man's Lisa Loeb-style

vag ballads.

- Dump. - No. I can't do that.

So...keep?

Well, I don't wanna keep, either.

But...storage seems weird

and dump just seems mean.

So is there a new category, is that what you're saying?

That even after all of these years

your ex-wife still gets her own category?

While George tried to figure out how to deal with his past

I was still trying to help Ryan navigate his future

and time was running out.

Okay, I made a list

of all the pros and cons of every school.

Tessa, you're blinding me with science.

I have no idea what you're saying right now.

The press conference is tomorrow.

- And nobody's helping me. - Excuse me. I'm helping you.

I wish I could just spin a wheel of fortune

and land on the right answer.

Okay. Well, then how about this?

I'll write down the names of all the schools

put 'em in a hat, and you can

close your eyes and pick one.

The hat will decide.

Well, actually, the draw will decide.

Fine. The hat.

This was a stupid idea.

This isn't how you pick a college.

You choose the school that feels right to you.

The school where you see yourself.

I knew which school that was, and so did Ryan.

So instead of letting him wind up

somewhere he didn't wanna go..

You rigged the draw?

- Mid Florida Tech. - Wow.

If I threw it all away and left it up to actual chance

he could have ended up at the North Las Vegas Institute

for Casino Studies.

- Oh. - And, uh..

I'm not that much of a gambler.

No. Me, either.

But I do like the slots.

- Do you think I messed up? - Tessa, no.

I think you put his happiness before yours

and that's what love is.

[intense music]

[instrumental music]

Uh, thanks, Helen.

Like I said, I just felt weird throwing it away.

Well, Alex uses my apartment

as her personal storage unit, anyway.

So what's one more box on the pile?

Well, um, okay. Thank-thanks again.

I'll see you.

She always had a grip on you, didn't she?

What's that?

- Alex. - Oh.

I don't know..

...what to say.

You don't have to say anything.

I...I know how hard it must have been

for you to drive that box over here

to let go.

This woman you're moving in with

she must be really special.

[sighs] You know what?

She is.

And this is the attic.

Or as it's called by the current owners

the crafts garret.

Oh. Hello there.

Oh, 'ello. I didn't hear you come in.

I were just sewin' my poppet.

Leslie, you just have to see the view from that window.

[whispering] Take it easy, kid.

You're supposed to be a crafts geek

not a Victorian ghost.

The accent felt right for my character.

Hey. It's my character.

I'm just letting you play her.

So, Leslie, what do you think?

This is it, Sheila. This is home.

[screaming]

[laughing]

Finally, the moment of truth

she said ironically

had arrived.

Whatever happens, I'll be fine.

I have my career and I have the two of you

and I have Leslie and Leslie's baby, Ryanna.

Which, of course, is not her name. Yet.

(Wolfe) 'Good afternoon.'

Wow.

Let me begin by saying

we haven't seen this much press at Chatswin High

since our former drama instructor

staged an underage production of "The Full Monty."

Oh, it was so good. Such brave young men--

Don't even. Stop it.

Without further ado

here's the man of the hour

Ryan "The Body" Shay.

[all cheering]

(female #2) 'Ryan! Whoo!'

- 'Yeah, bro!' - Wow. Hey, everyone.

Thank you all so much for coming.

I know you're all waiting to hear my decision.

And it was not an easy decision, but I decided it.

Rutgers is awesome!

- Thank you, God. - He's a merciful Lord.

- But I'm not going there. - Oh, I never trusted you.

He's not real. I knew he wasn't.

- So then I thought.. - Go, gamblers. Go, gamblers.

...I will not go to this school.

He's not even gonna fake us out? He's just not going?

So finally, I decided

that I only have three words left to say.

[dramatic music]

And those three words are Mid Florida Tech, baby!

[crowd applauding]

Oh, Fred. It's okay.

Thank you, Chatswin. So long.

[instrumental music]

It wasn't goodbye necessarily.

It was just...so long.

Follow your dreams.

- And don't eat carbs. - Wow!

You have to do both if you wanna achieve greatness.

Thanks, man. A-a-and congrats.

Come here.

Yeah. Congrats, Ryan.

We're really gonna miss you, and whatever.

Thanks, Dalia.

I'm really gonna miss you guys too.

Yeah.

It must have been so hard

deciding to leave Chatswin

and Tessa.

It was hardest on the hat, I think.

The hat decided and I have the hat to thank

because everything

turned out just how it was supposed to, you know?

Totes.

Unless it didn't.

What is that supposed to mean?

- Why don't you ask Tessa? - Ask Tessa what?

Ask her why all the little pieces of paper

that she put in the hat said the same school's name on them.

Tessa played you, Ryan.

Okay, now I know you're lying

because if Tessa was gonna write the same college over and over

she would have written Rutgers, so her and I would be closer.

Unless she didn't want you to be closer.

Anyway, like I said..

...congrats.

How could you do this to me?

You mean how could I you?

Look, Ryan, I know that's where you wanted to go

and the only thing standing in your way was me.

You're right.

You were the only thing standing in my way.

Ryan, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me.

I'm mad at you. I'm super mad at you.

The hat was gonna decide.

But what if the hat

sent you someplace that you didn't want to go?

It wasn't your call, Tessa.

But you said I could pick anyway.

Do you remember that? You asked me to choose.

So, in a way, I did.

- Right? - Right.

And what you chose was to send me away

instead of keeping me close to you

and that's what hurts me the most.

[sighs]

♪ Come out restless heart.. ♪

So...what now?

♪ But you don't say.. ♪

Nothing now.

We're over.

♪ I would wait all my days ♪

♪ To hear the words I need you.. ♪

I just can't believe you got an offer on your house already.

I mean, it wasn't even on the market.

Y-yeah.

Well, you know

may-maybe.. Maybe it was meant to be.

Or maybe Sheila is just really good at her job.

Yeah.

Are you, are you getting cold feet?

Yes.

But for me, it's more of a circulation thing.

My hands are always cold too.

Well, then..

...I will warm them..

...every night.

That's a promise.

[sighs] George Altman

are you getting romantic on me?

I'm trying.

♪ To keep me.. ♪

What do you say?

Should we go for it..

...or not?

♪ But you don't.. ♪

- We go for it. - Yeah?

♪ Anything ♪

♪ Do you? ♪♪

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

So who's gonna tell Tessa?

[sighs]

I still can't imagine how he found out.

The only person I told was Dallas.

You think...she said something to Ryan?

'Well, then who?'

Why aren't you saying anything?

Because I can't say anything.

Dalia.

Do you think Dalia did this?

She definitely did this. She did this.

Tessa, I tried to warn you about her.

Yeah, well how about this, Lisa?

How about you warn her about me?

Because this time..

...she messed with the wrong bitch.