All language subtitles for suburgatory.s02e19.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
Like any expecting father,
Noah was nervous.

Sure, he happened to be
expecting his college-age

daughter and not a newborn, but
that didn't make it any easier.

You know, Opus and I
like the same TV shows.

We're on the same
nap schedule.

'You know, we're not embarrassed
to fart around each other.'

Look, man,
don't-don't overthink it.

She's your daughter.
It'll be fine.

That's easy for you to say,
look at you and Tessa with your

your friendship
repartee.

It's disgusting.

You'd be surprised at how many
people think it is disgusting.

Jenna is a cool girl.

You really don't have
anything to worry about.

Yeah? Well, what if she just
appears cool in group settings?

Who knows what she's like
one-on-one?

No one! No one knows!

I know. We've become
pretty close, actually.

Perfect, because someone
needs to tell her

that Jill and I are separated.

What, you haven't told her?

Look, we can't all be
the great George Altman

with our sage advice
and our acoustic guitars

and our telling people
of things.

I'm gonna go hit
the showe-showe.

[knocking on door]

Hey.

Um, whose apartment is this?

She took the news
surprisingly well.

Well, Jenna's a great girl

or should I say
she appears to be

from what I've gleaned
in group situations.

Now, what she's like
one-on-one, I have no--

Excuse me, Mr. Altman,
would you be interested

in participating in this year's
"Dads of Chatswin" calendar?

- It's for charity, and--
- Javier.

I think you know damn well

George Altman is not the type
to engage in a fun

playful, lighthearted activity

like the one
you're about to describe.

What? Why-why would
you say that?

Have you met George Altman?

I'm George Altman and I
take myself real seriously.

I read the news. I listen
to the news. I love news.

You know what?
I resent that.

I'm George Altman.
I resent things.

Javier, please ignore her
and finish what you were saying.

Okay, well, as I said,
it's a fun calendar for charity

where Chatswin dads
pose in beefcake photos.

- See? Look at his face!
- What?

See, you lost him on "beefcake."

Honestly, can you imagine
George dressed up in hot pants

and holding an axe?

I mean, you just put the image
in my head, so, yes, I can.

You know what?

I can imagine it, too.

I'm signing up.
Thank you, Javier.

You know, just because you
haven't seen me be fun and silly

does not mean I don't love
to be fun and silly.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

Having Jenna around
meant a chance

to finally have
an intelligent conversation.

I'm telling you,
after you read this book

you'll realize
that all relationships

are fundamentally transactional.

Even the people
you think you love

are just meeting
certain base biological needs.

Wow. Why love?

That's my point. You don't.

Hey, Jenna. I'm Lisa Shay.

We met once when your dad
accidentally invited me

to your ninth birthday party
and I threw up

in your yard
and your dog ate it.

Oh. Right. Hi.

(Dalia)
'Hey, lesbians.'

You guys should save
some room for your vagtables.

Dalia. Haven't you
died of syphilis yet?

Are you calling me a slut?

I'm actually impressed
she got the inference.

(Dalia)
'I didn't.'

But greasy losers usually call
girls like me sluts.

[instrumental music]

(Noah)
'Hey! George!'

We heard you signed up for
the "Dads of Chatswin" calendar.

You're making a big mistake.

Th-these dads, they-they think
they're coming off as sexy

but they look like fools.

Yeah. The kind you laugh at.
Ha ha.

The weird thing is..

...I was looking through
last year's calendar..

and both of you are in it.

Huh! That is weird.

(George)
'You don't look embarrassed
to be'

'tiptoeing through the--'

Daffodils!

Don't you dare
call them otherwise.

(George)
'And you.'

Seems oddly unseasonable
for January.

Well, originally,
they shot me for July

then they decided to move me
to a less prominent month.

It's very competitive, George.

Come on, guys,
there's no reason

we have to take this
so seriously.

Yeah, it's all fun and games

until you're
looking down the barrel

of a back page
group shot.

We'll see
who's smiling then.

'Come on, Fred.'

See ya later.

[instrumental music]

- Morning, Tessa.
- Why?

Tessa, Dalia came over this
morning to take you to school.

That dress is so cute, Tessa.

Sure it is.

It is. I swear.

(George)
'Dalia, you want some
scrambled eggs?'

(Dalia)
'No, thanks, Daddy Altman.'

I don't eat
unborn chicken fetuses.

That's, that's not
what eggs are...really.

(Dalia)
What are they?

Uh, well,
these aren't fertilized

so they're just
a-a, a normal part

of a hen's menstrual..

- How about some cereal?
- 'Kay.

We may have figured out
what eggs were

but I still had no idea

why Dalia was
looking at me like that.

You can change this station

if you don't
like Wiz Khalifa, Tessa.

Morning.

You're getting
really popular, Tessa.

That salad looks
really good, Tessa.

♪ Bop-zee-bop shoo-bop
bop-bop-day ♪

♪ Twiggityzee iggityee ♪

♪ Zibbitybow shoobideebop ♪

♪ Igityoh ♪♪

[clapping]

A capella scatting
is pretty much the rawest form

of human expression there is.

I know.

And I really liked the way
you clapped after it, Tessa.

Um, Dalia, would you mind
if Tessa and I had a word alone?

Can I wait out in the hallway
for you guys until you're done?

- I don't see why not.
- 'Kay.

Bye, Tessa.

What the hell is going on
with you two?

I have no idea.
It is super weird.

I've been eyeing her
suspiciously all day

but I haven't picked up
on any ulterior motives.

She's just...being nice.

Dalia Royce is not nice.

She's a warped,
broken sociopath.

Do you think
she liked my song?

Dalia wasn't the only one
acting out of character.

Hi. How you ladies doing?

Have a seat.

My dad was about to embark

on a midlife modeling career.

Have you done
any modeling before?

Uh, well, no,
not professionally.

Well, you're clearly a natural.

- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.

You've got a great quality

potential December material

'if you ask me.'

Oh. And-and that's good?

Oh. I love his innocence.

The Decemberfold
is only the most

sought after position
of the year.

Oh, the Decemberfold. Did-did
you say, that's what you said?

Yeah.. Of course.
Of course. Come on, George.

Could you take
your top off, please?

What-what now?

Could you remove your shirt?

My sh.. Uh, like..

Um...are you kidding?

Suddenly, this guy's acting
like a real amateur.

Oh.

Oh. Well-well-well, okay

yeah, I should, I think..

(female #1)
'That's it. That's the stuff.'

'Tres joli.'

Mmm. He's hunky.

(female #1)
'Yes, but not a ton
of definition'

'so the Decemberfold's
probably out.'

Maybe we could do
something with hugging

in March.

In March? Wait. No.

March? No. No.

Nobody gives a rat's ass
about March.

[Folk Implosion singing
"Natural One"]

Decemberfold.

Totally.

[rock music]

♪ I'm the one natural one
make it easy ♪

♪ We can take it inside ♪

♪ Yeah we can take it ♪

♪ And when momma's not around ♪

♪ There's no telling
what we'll do.. ♪♪

[music continues]

[cell phone ringing]

- So you are ignoring my texts.
- Lisa!

What the hell?

Tessa, I needed to get in touch
with you. It's urgent.

Uh, well, I'm sorry.
I'm running late to meet Jenna.

- Can this wait?
- No.

Well, can you make it fast?

No-o-o.

[instrumental music]

As we all know,
freshman year I was blocked

from Dalia's Facebook
and Twitter account

after being falsely accused
of stalking her.

I didn't know that.

Well, that was before
you moved to Chatswin

and I started having
human friends.

But that's just preamble.

Can we get to the amble?

The point is,
it takes one to know one.

And when Dalia
started stalking you

I felt the need to re-stalk
her to find out why.

But without access
to her online life

the question was, how?

To determine?

Why she was doing it?

- There were three questions--
- Lisa.

But then I realized
I simply had to create

an online fake boy identity
named Lars Lissol.

You had to name him
Lars Lissol?

Well...no.

That was the fun part.

The disturbing part is
what Mr. Lissol uncovered.

Just this evening, Dalia
accepted his friend request.

Look at her feed
over the past two days.

"Watched Tessa eat
an unborn chicken. LOL."

"Watched Tessa eat her
salad like a boss. LOL"

She's broadcasting every single
thing she does with you.

- But why?
- Don't know.

I can tell you
who intends to find out.

- Lars Lissol.
- Yeah.

Thanks, Lisa, but I don't
think that we need

to drag an imaginary person
into this.

I'll just ask Dalia what's up.

It's not like she's hiding it.
It's on the Internet.

I'll let you know
what she says. Okay?

Okay, so I guess
I'll just tell Lars

that his services
will no longer be needed.

Although I can tell you
right now

he would've appreciated
a thank you.

Lookin' good, daddy.

Ugh.

Everything looks so heavy.

Uh, excuse me.

Sir, uh, do you
have a-a printout

of the calorie count
entrees?

- We most certainly do not.
- Oh. Okay.

Well, can you at least
ask the kitchen how much butter

they intend to put
in this pan-seared salmon?

'You think you're ordering
something healthy'

'cause it's a fish,
and then by the time

they sneak all that butter
in there, you've got this--

I'll go check
on the undercover butter agenda.

- George.
- Yeah?

(Dallas)
'What's up?'

You just seem
a little...annoying.

Well, yeah, I'm just trying
to shred up, you know?

I've got my, my big photo shoot
in a couple of days, so..

Photo shoot? Is this
about that silly calendar?

Ye-yes, it's about
that silly calendar.

Per your suggestion,
I am having a silly good time.

Well, you seem to be taking
the silliness pretty seriously.

Well, th-that's because I
happen to be

in the running for December.

You seem fidgety.

Yeah, that's
'cause I'm fidgeting.

It's a great way
to burn calories.

I've been fidgeting for days

and it's like

hello, cheekbones. Ha ha ha.

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Hey. Carmen let me in.

I figured you wouldn't mind
since we're

such good friends these days.

- LOL.
- I'm tweeting that.

Dalia..

...what is going on?

I knew it was weird
when you started

being nice to me
all of a sudden

but I have no idea
why you are

tweeting and posting every
stupid interaction we have

for the whole world to see.

So I guess
you want the true-true

as they say in my
favorite movie "Cloud Atlas"

featuring Tom Hanks playing,
like, 17 different roles.

Yes. Give me the true-true.

'Kay.

Jenna Werner and I
used to be really good friends.

I said true-true.

Seriously, Tessa.

Her and I were mad tight

and then she, like,
turned on a dollar

and ditched me.

I think her Brown friends
thought she was too good for me.

And when I saw you guys
hanging out, I..

You got jealous.

And I wanted her to think that I
was good friends with you, too.

Look, Dalia..

...if you wanna
be friends with me

you don't have to be
weird about it or force it.

I mean...I can..

...imagine..

...one day us being..

...friend-like.

Thanks, Tessa.

That means a lot to me.

Since you and I
are so close now

will you do me a favor?

Sure.

Will you not be friends
with Jenna anymore?

I can't believe
the movie's sold out.

What else should we see?

You know what?

I'm rethinking the whole
movie idea in general.

I can't stop picturing
my metabolism

just plummeting in there.

Can't we just go for a jog?

You could sit on my back
while I do push-ups.

I'm tired of sittin'
on your damn back, George!

You know, all this
body conscious stuff

is super unappealing.

And ever since it started,
I can't help wishing

you'd get hit by a car.

Really? Hit by a car?

Well, I'm not proud of it,
George, but that's how I feel.

You know what,
I think you're just mad

because the ladies
are checking me out.

The ladies
are checking you out

because you're wearing
a garbage bag.

Hey, you have nothing
to be jealous of, sugar.

Should probably come up
with a different nickname

'cause I'm watching my intake.

Bye. Be careful crossin'.
Or don't.

[instrumental music]

So how's the groove been
now that Jenna's back?

Her and Opus
getting along?

Opus lights up
whenever she.. Hey.

You trying to distract
me with chitchat?

I'm in my zone right now.

I will not be thrown from it!

Alright, that's fine, man,
'cause I'm in the zone, too.

Alright? I'm in
the exact same zone.

Frederick.

So when do they tell us
what month we get?

Oh! First, they make us
work for it.

[music continues]

[song on player]

Let me see you
work that sausage, George.

'It's there for a reason.'

Use it!

'Surf's up, Noah.'

Surf's all the way up.

Oh, yeah!

[instrumental music]

'That is romance, Fred.'

Oh, my heavens.
You are not shy.

Alright, boys,
now, I just want you

to have fun, okay?
Get silly.

Alright! Now, come on,
why don't you give me

a little butt-to-butt?

Come on. Don't be shy.
Just a little butt-to-butt.

Don't worry.
These are just for me.

Yeah!

Oh, that's fun.

Part of me
is excited to get back

but part of me
feels bad leaving Opus

in the middle of all this
divorce drama.

But what am I gonna do, right?

I mean, the kid's
gonna have issues.

Yeah.

I guess nobody
gets out unscathed, right?

Speaking of which

can I talk to you
about Dalia Royce?

I know this is gonna
be hard to believe

because of how she acts,
but I think

she still wants
to be friends with you.

Yeah, but that never works.

It's always awkward
trying to be friends with an ex.

What?

Dalia and I used to hook up.

What?

Two Thanksgivings ago
was the first time.

[instrumental music]

(Jenna)
It was more of a hate hook-up.

Say it. Say it.

You go to Brown.

[music continues]

It happened a couple more times
before I broke things off.

She's been a total head case
ever since

sending me pictures
of her weird little boyfriend.

Did you know she got his face
tattooed on her crack?

Above her crack, actually.

- I was there.
- Figures.

I knew when she saw me
hanging out with you

she'd try to use you next.

She's the most
vindictive person I know.

All she cares about is hurting
the people who hurt her.

So just be careful around her.

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

(Tessa)
Dalia and Jenna
used to hook up?

It was crazy,
but also weirdly made sense.

Suddenly I understood
Dalia's lesbian jokes

for what they were,
a deflection.

Are you guys talking about me?

Jenna...told me...
everything.

And I-I just want you to know
that there is..

...no judgment.

Thanks, Tessa.

You're a true friend.

I'm really glad
you feel that way.

And look, I've had
some bad breakups, too.

I mean, who hasn't?

But sometimes I think
it's best to just move on.

- I think you'll feel better--
- Thanks, Tessa. I know.

You really helped
clear things up for me.

I really, really owe you one.

Yeah. If I were you,
I'd move.

[indistinct chattering]

So..

This is it.

This is it.

Moments from now,
I'll know whether or not

I'm too sexy for my shirt

which I suspect I am not.

Well..

It's only 'cause it's
a pretty sexy shirt.

- Yeah.
- Well, thank you.

- It's rayon.
- Oh.

I'd like to thank
all the dads for their help.

Because of you,
we expect to have

a record-breaking year
for our charity

mothers against the defamation
of undiluted apple juice.

[clapping]

What, what,
that's the charity?

- Mm-hmm.
- Apple juice?

This year's Decemberfold
represents everything

we look for at Maduap.

Sexiness, hunkability
and a belief

in unrestrained fructose.

Get on with it!
Let's see the man meat!

(female #1)
'Ladies and gentlemen,
let's hear it for the guy'

we wanna see two pages of

George Altman!

[all clapping]

[laughing]
Hey!

Aha!

Well, thank you.

Yes! Thank you! Thanks!

Oh, that, look at that.
That's nice.

- 'Well done.'
- 'Really great photo.'

You did it, buddy. Every man
in Chatswin wants to be you.

Every woman in Chatswin
wants to be with you.

Yeah.

Every woman except one.

Economists and business leaders
from across the spectrum

'have said that our economy..'

- Dallas?
- Hey.

(George)
'Uh, are you watching the news?'

Are you aware
that we have a black president?

I mean, I'm for it, but wow.

O-okay. Tell me you're kidding.

I'm kiddin'.

I'm not for it.

Kiddin'!

Did you hear the other news?

I heard it.

Decemberfold. Congrats, George.

Shouldn't you be out
celebratin' and baskin'

in the limelight, sexy pants?

You know what? I should.

But the problem is..

...the light I wanted to bask in
wasn't at the country club.

[instrumental music]

Look..

...what is the point
of looking great..

And I do look great.
I wasn't fishing.

It's been confirmed.

But what's it all mean
if it doesn't get you

the attention of the woman
who matters the most?

You can be really sweet when
you set your damn mind to it.

Hey, I'm sorry I said I wanted
you to get hit by a car.

I fully take that
all the way back.

- Thanks.
- Oh! Hey!

- You brought my favorite pie!
- Uh, actually, no.

This is for me.
I'm freaking starving.

Oh. That is good.

Are you gonna eat
that whole thing by yourself?

I was kinda
planning on it, yeah.

[indistinct chattering on TV]

Hello?

Is anyone in here?

[instrumental music]

'Dalia and Mr. Altman.'

[door opens]

[gasps]

I know you think
you saw something

but you didn't
see anything.

- I didn't see anything.
- 'Kay.

♪ Everybody's got a dark side ♪

♪ Do you love me? ♪

♪ Can you love mine? ♪

♪ Nobody's a picture perfect ♪

♪ But we're worth it
You know that we're worth.. ♪

You should probably go now.

You should probably
have somewhere to be.

♪ Even with my dark side ♪

♪ Don't run away ♪

♪ Don't run away ♪♪