All language subtitles for suburgatory.s02e18.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
They say he who is
content with the least

is the richest of all.

If that's true, then Opus

and the newly divorced
Noah Werner

were completely destitute.

But living large
came at a price.

A price steeper than
the $50 oatmeal..

Hey, you want a duck?

(Tessa)
Steeper than the bath butler..

...steeper than the premium
tuck-in service.

A price that,
from under the drape

of the custom blackout drapes

he never saw coming.

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Whoa.

He-hello, ladies.

To what do I owe this
home invasion?

Seriously, I haven't seen
the Chatswin mom militia

out in force
for quite some time.

We're here about Opus.
Opus Werner.

Ah..

Spot of tea, George?

I'm good.

Then I'll cut to the chase.

Noah has Opus
living like a pagan.

- In a hotel.
- So?

Are you deliberately being
obtuse right now, George?

Children should be raised in a
respectable three-bedroom home.

- With a picket fence.
- And window boxes.

Where Noah is living
is none of our business.

And by ours, I mean yours.

So maybe...stand down?

Stand down?

I see.

Did former Secretary
of State Hillary Rodham Clinton

stand down when
she penned her 1996

"New York Times" bestseller?

I'm gonna guess no?

It takes a village, George,
and we're the village people.

Noah is going through a divorce.

You have to give him
time to iron out the details.

Having raised a child
as a single dad

I assure you, it can be done.

Well, bravo to
all you single parents.

What an idiot I am.

I struggled to keep
my marriage intact

gave up any theoretical
exciting career plans

and stayed home to cook
meals for my children.

But apparently,
I could have been

raising them on room service.

You know what?
I-I appreciate your concern.

And I'm sure
Noah does, too, but--

This is more than concern.

If you won't do something,
the village people will.

[theme music]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da-da-da da da da da ♪♪

(Tessa)
I'll admit living in
a tight-knit community

could be oppressive at times
but that was what

made Chatswin
such a safe place to live.

Now be a good girl
and let me in

or so help me,
I will break the glass.

Okay.

[Tessa grunts]

Mr. Shay,
what is wrong with you?

Well, that's what
I need you to tell me.

It all started this morning
when I was leaving for work.

Have a great day.

No, you have a great day, Fred.

You have a great, great day.

Let go of my lunch.

What's in here? I want it!

Oh, yeah?

Well, there's something I want.

I don't know if
I wanna hear this story.

Oh, are you worried
there's gonna be sex?

Don't be. There's never any
sex in any of my stories.

There's an opening, Fred,
a really juicy opening.

I want you to move on it

and slide in there
before someone else does.

This is it, Fred.

This is your chance to get back

on the sales team
where you belong.

Oh, but, Sheila, sales is
so cut-throat, competitive.

As a junior secretary,
I know where I stand.

My blood pressure's down,
I even have my own catchphrase.

"Anybody need anything?"

That's not a catchphrase.

That's the sound
a man makes when he's

bringing home
half the salary he used to.

Now you take this
Waldorf salad sandwich

and you go get that job!

Go get it! Go get 'em!

Go get 'em!

- Okay.
- Seriously, go get it.

- Go. Go get it.
- Oh. Sorry. Alright.

Okay. Well, then.
what are you doing here?

It sounds like you should
be out getting that job.

Well, I want to.

But the new sales manager
Todd thinks

anyone over 30 is a dinosaur.

Now I know what
you're thinking.

Dinosaurs are awesome. Agreed.

But apparently,
in Todd's world, not so.

Please, Tessa. He's young
and he's from Manhattan.

Teach me your urban ways.

[chuckles]
I don't really have any "ways."

Well, then, at least tell me
what I need to feel current.

Uh..
Oh, do-do I need one of these?

- If your phone is dying.
- Okay.

Well, let's just
assume that it is.

Uh, Mr. Shay,
instead of demonstrating

your phone-charging capabilities

have you considered emphasizing
your vast sales experience?

(Fred)
'Sales experience?'

Judy Walker was the most
experienced sales rep we had.

She got fired because
she didn't know

who Katie Holmes was.

And God save my wretched
soul, Tessa, neither do I.

Please. You have to help me.

Well, I...do know
who Katie Holmes is.

I knew it! Thank you, lord.

(Tessa)
Meanwhile, Dallas
was about to take on

a new project of her own.

Dalia's appetite
for material things

was becoming a nightmare.

[gasps]

What in blue blazers
is going on in here?

What's the problem, mommy?

Dalia, this closet
is bursting at the seams

like a Christina Aguilera dress

which is not
a comment on her weight

but rather on
the tightness of her attire.

I know. She really
crams it in there.

Just like me with my closet.
I need a bigger one.

We have enlarged the closets
in your room four times already

and they were
generous to begin with.

Enough is enough.

It's just my stuff, mommy.

Dalia, this closet
is an embarrassment.

And you're gonna spend
the rest of the day

organizing it, do you hear me?

Now if you need storage space..

..you can always put
some things under your..

[gasps]

Dalia Oprah..

...you're a hoarder.

Get out of my room.

What's in the trunk?

Don't. Mommy, no.

[gasps]

Look at all these purses!

Who in their right mind
needs this many purses?

[growling]
I do.

Look here, Dalia!

There is a very thin line

between you and
those cray-cray people

who live in homes
full of newspaper.

And just 'cause these
items are expensive

doesn't change the fact
that you're hoarding them.

And hoarding is greedy
and ungracious. You hear me?

It's time to make
some tough decisions.

You need to get rid of all
the stuff that you don't need

or I'll do it for you.

Well, I just
stopped by to, you know

see how everybody's doing.

Never better, George.

'Never better.'

This place is not only
meeting our needs..

...it is anticipating our wants.

Around-the-clock room service.
In-room massage.

Twice-a-day maid service
and the best part about it

I'm putting it all
on my platinum card.

Miles, George.

Great. Great.

But, uh, wh-what's
the long-term plan?

I mean, you can't, you can't
live in a hotel forever.

Or can I?

Howard Hughes
did so quite nicely

as did James Woods.

Khloe and Lamar.

Right, but they weren't
raising small children.

Right. Well..

God's honest, I'm...not
entirely liquid at the moment.

I'm having some
cash flow issues.

Mommy and her divorce lawyer
haven't missed a trick.

[knocking]

Where are my nuggets?

I'm sorry, Mr. Werner,
but it has come to my attention

that you've been
conducting yourself

in a manner
that makes it impossible

for you to continue
to stay at our facility.

Whoa. What's he talking about?

- I have no idea.
- Don't you?

He's been romancing more than
one member of our service staff.

Wha..

You've been having sex
with the housekeeping?

- Absolutely not!
- I did not say those words.

I said he was "romancing" them.

- Which he has been.
- Come on!

I'm not allowed to tell Rosa..

...that I love her?

No, sir. No, you are not.

Particularly if you're going to
say the same thing to Marilyn.

But I do love Marilyn.
I love them both.

And I love Dottie for bringing
me fresh pineapple by the pool.

And I love Cynthia.
Oh, my God, I love her.

She makes my dinner reservation
every night at 7:00.

The service floor
is in chaos, sir.

Fighting, hair-pulling, tears.

I'm afraid I'm going to
have to invite you to leave.

Wait a minute. Okay.

You're kicking me out
for loving the service here?

Precisely right.

I've taken the liberty
of preparing your bill.

- Whoa!
- Yeah.

But as I said,
I get the miles.

Still, that is really a lot.

George, could you
tip the man, please?

Listen, I love a good VV
as much as the next juicer.

- Don't say juicer.
- Okay.

I love a good VV--

Wait. What's a VV again?

Viral video, right?
I thought you taught me that.

No. I've never
heard that phrase.

But it's fine. Continue.

Okay. Um, right.

I love a good VV as
much as the next web head

but that jam was fin

as soon as it left Gangnam.

- Ope?
- Ope?

It's from the song.
I think it's Korean.

Anyway, ope?

Then I whip out my charger

charge my phone,
and I close with..

"...Chatswin is so ghetto."

Uh, honestly..

...I don't think
we're quite there.

How much time do we have?

None. I've got 15 minutes
to wheely to work.

Alright, um, maybe
just lose the wheelys

and change "ghetto"
to "midtown."

And get a little
bacitracin for that earlobe.

Alright. Bye. Thanks.

Mommy.

What are you
doing with my Lambo?

Dalia, step off.

I told you point-blank if you

didn't fill those
boxes I left in your room

I'd fill 'em for you.

Now I'm just getting
rid of the kid stuff.

Things you haven't
touched in years.

You haven't been
touched in years.

Dalia, you're lashing out.

That's my first Lambo, mommy.

It only has 10,000 miles on it.

You can't give it away.

And I bet you'd say
the same thing

about your play mansion

and those two toddler-size
helicopters

parked on the roof.

But those items would make

very charitable donations.

I don't see you giving
any of your stuff away.

Not so. Look at those
boxes by the front door.

I'm gettin' rid of all
my adult dress-up clothes.

George isn't into role-playing

so I no longer need my
crotchless firefighter outfit.

Now it's your turn to
get rid of some things

that you haven't played with

like that Lambo.

I'm playing with it, mommy.

I'm playing with it right now.

[whirring]

George, again, buddy

I can't thank you enough
for agreeing to put us up.

Yeah. No, no problem, man.

I just wanna see you
get back on your feet.

Yes. I cannot wait
to get off my feet.

- Oh. Ah.
- Right.

Okay, well, you know where
the kitchen is. Help yourself.

Just let us know
what's on your lunch menu

and any lighter fare
you might have

for when we're playing outside.

The pull-out couch
is all made up for you.

Look at that.

We're gonna be as comfy
as a couple of motel 6-ers.

Hmm? Yeah. Ow.

Uh, something wrong?

No.

Alright, I'm a little worried

that Opus and I
might bleed to death

from the million little cuts

that we're going to get
from these rough sheets.

Look, we've already
been through so much.

Fine. I'll see
what else we have.

So we're looking for someone
who understands young urbanites.

Our product targets
twenty-somethings

who struggle with
lethargy during the day

caused by insomnia at night.

Sleep when we're dead.
Am I right?

I hope not.

Uh, their circadian rhythms
are being confused by--

Arcade Fire.

- What?
- 'Cause I know what that is.

And that is a band.

Right. But it's not Arcade Fire.

Uh, our research shows it's--

Katie Holmes? Katie Bosworth?

Katie Middleton? Katie Upton?

Cat Daddy? Wanna Cat Daddy?

[instrumental music]

No. Uh, I, I do not. I don't.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

- Um, anyways, it's light.
- Aah..

Yeah, light from
cell phones and monitors

various other gadgets

which is exactly
how we intend to reach them

through our
social media campaign.

- OMG.
- Yeah.

I can't believe you just
said "social media campaign."

Because I'm antisocial socially

but I'm super social
social-medially.

Uh, in fact, I would say
social media is my main..

Hey, hold on. Do you mind if I
just charge my phone real quick?

I just wanna charge it all up

'cause dead phones are ghetto.

- Sure.
- Yeah.

Anyway, where were we?

You were saying how active

you are on social media.

- Mm.
- So you tweet?

Like a brown trembler.

Great, well, you're obviously
very experienced

in the pharmaceutical
sales field.

And I can see
you're extremely passionate.

Oh, yeah. Todd, I love you.

And I will love on you
if I get this job

which I would love...bro.

O-okay. Well, how about this?

I will follow you on Twitter

and if I like what I see

uh, you'll hear something
by the end of the week?

[instrumental music]

There.

Now, instead of
lookin' at herself

bathed in prosperity,
Dalia can gaze upon Fatmire

an Albanian orphan
who has nothin'.

Oh.

Imagine what a girl like Fatmire

would do with that toy Lambo.

Uh, drag it
into the next village

and trade it for clean water?

Hmm. Seems like a lot of
legwork for poor Fatmire.

You know what, baby,
I think it's great

that you're trying
to educate Dalia

about those less fortunate
and curb the excess.

Maybe when you're done here,
you can talk to Noah.

His lifestyle is insane.

And the worst part of it is

he expects everyone else
to cater to him.

This is the second run
I've made for new sheets.

Apparently, the ones
I bought yesterday..

...they weren't up to
his lofty standards.

Careful.
Those are gateway sheets.

That's exactly
how it started with Dalia.

At first it was small things.

Designer diapers,
toddler tanning bed

then the next thing you know,
you're standing in JFK

trying to explain to US customs
why you're smuggling

half a dozen baby leopards
into the country.

'None of whom
survived the flight.'

So heed my warning

and draw some boundaries.

I know, but my heart
goes out to the guy.

You remember how tough it is

when you first start
doing it on your own.

I do, but the sooner
he can stand

on his own two feet, the better.

You taught me that.

- Did I?
- Mm-hmm.

You know what? You are right.

I-I thought I was helping him

but really,
I'm-I'm just enabling him.

And you need to disable him
like I'm about to disable Dalia.

Hey, you want me to send
these sheets to Fatmire?

You know,
for a 14-year-old girl

she looks a hell of a lot
like Alan Rickman, doesn't she?

[instrumental music]

Psst. Tessa.

[chuckles]
Big news.

Todd is following me.

- That's great.
- Yeah. I'm one step closer.

- Congrats.
- I owe it all to you.

I'm trying to study.

Okay, well, study me.
Study this.

Look, Mr. Shay, I was
late to school yesterday

trying to help you prepare
and now I'm trying to

make up for
the work I missed, so..

How 'bout this?

You help me
tweet something awesome

and you'll never have to
work a day in your life.

If I get this job,
all your needs will be met.

I wanna meet my own needs,
and so should you.

[sighs]
Okay, well, at least let me know

what you think
of my tweet so far. Ahem.

"Something, something,
#awesome," space

#youknowI'mright."

I'm still circling what
"#awesome" thing

I might be right about, now
it's either phone chargers

midtown, or Colace,
which is a fantastic

#water-basedstoolsoftener.

Can I ask you something?

What if you get this job?
What then?

What if you convince Todd

that you are
a media-savvy hipster

with a fully charged phone

and the softest BMs in midtown?

How you gonna keep it up?

I just will.

[door opens]

(George)
'Noah?'

There he is! My sheets man!

The hell happened in here?

Oh. I ordered in.

It's just like
room service except

no one comes to clear it away.

'So I'm calling
a trash removal service.'

They should be here
within the hour.

Anything you wanna get rid of?
They have a 45-pound minimum.

How much do you weigh?

Is that a fat joke?

Because I bought this
for everyone.

No. Look, man, I..

I, I feel like
I'm doing you a disservice.

Well, I wasn't gonna complain

but I did expect you hours
ago with those sheets.

I wanted to give you
someplace to crash

but you're crash-and-burning.
You need to get it together.

You need to step up
and find some place

where Opus can sleep

where he's not gonna get
banana peppers on him.

I'm not saying it has to have
a picket fence and a window box

but something.

- Figure it out.
- So what are you saying?

I'm saying I think
you should go.

There it is. Wow. Unbelievable.

I'm sorry..
Remind me again

who was there for you
when Alex left?

My downstairs neighbor,
Rob Buchman.

That's right.

Rob Buchman.
That's been driving me crazy.

'Maybe I should call him!'

Maybe you should.

Fine, why don't you
give me the name of your

packing service
and pull my car around

and we'll get out of your hair?

[instrumental music]

(Tessa)
Letting go of your childhood
is a necessary step

towards becoming an adult.

Alright.

(Tessa)
And becoming an adult
is a necessary step

when you are parenting a child.

(Noah)
'This is teamwork.
Good job, buddy.'

(Tessa)
But when the lines get blurry,
and you find yourself parenting

your middle-aged
next-door neighbor..

...the next step
is a little less clear.

- Tessa.
- Mr. Shay.

I found your wheelys
on the curb

and I didn't know what to think.

But it looks like you're back
to your old self again.

- You followed my advice.
- No. I did no such thing.

I fell down
three flights of stairs

on those infernal contraptions
and broke Todd's collarbone.

One of my earholes
developed a keloid

and I didn't get the promotion.

But the good news is,
I lost my existing job

as well as
a portion of my earlobe.

That's the good news?

Yes. Because my loss
was Sheila's gain.

She grew like a wild carrot

in the fertile dung
of my failure.

More failure, Fred?

I'm sorry. Filet.

Of sole...crushing failure.

Yes, please.

I'm sorry I didn't get the job.

I'm not like you.
I don't have your fury.

You're a lioness. And I'm--

The guys who gets
the coffee for the lioness?

Exactly.

Say, maybe you
should stay home with

the kids and I
should join the workforce.

Are you trying to have it all?

Because I thought we'd agreed

that we'd each have some.

Oh, come on, Fred,
you said it yourself.

I'm a lioness.

Maybe I should be
bringing home the gazelle.

And what would I do?

Come up with
a side dish for gazelle.

You don't really need
a side dish for gazelle.

It's a very rich,
flavorful meat.

But I'm doing a minted
couscous, nonetheless.

Well, that sounds delightful.

Oh, it will be.

I've never been happier.

Sheila's out
pounding the pavement

and I'm home
pounding the cutlets.

I even let my phone die..

...along with my dreams.

JK. #notreally.

Dalia, I'm impressed.

You scaled way back
and got organized.

Yeah, and I found
a lot of things

I was missing when I cleaned up.

'Like Penuche.'

Oh, my gosh. He looks hungry.

He shouldn't be.

He ate 15 pairs
of my espadrilles.

Not that I needed
15 pairs of espadrilles.

Exactly. Thattagirl.

Now can we take down
the portrait of Alan Rickman?

[instrumental music]

[vacuum machine whirring]

Hi, neighbor!

[sighs]

Noah? What-what's going on?

Margaritas!
That's what's going on!

Ha ha ha.

I'm having a housewarming.

O-okay, but you-you know

you can't live in a playhouse.

One man's playhouse..

...is another man's real house.

- Okay.
- Peter Dinklage said that.

JK. Peter Dinklage lives
in a normal-sized house.

[sighs]
Anyway, I found a sublet.

We're moving in next week.

It has its own washer and dryer

so apparently Opus and I

will be learning how to use

a washer and dryer.

Well, if Rob Buchman doesn't

return your call I'd be
happy to teach you.

I've kind of become a,
a laundry expert over the years.

Do you mind if I leave
this playhouse here?

Uh, for Opus, until
I get my own yard?

Of, course, man.

[instrumental music]

(Noah)
Probably shouldn't
let him drink and drive.

I'm teasing. It's non-alcoholic.

Don't tell him. He likes
to feel like a big man.