Original subtitles

(Tessa) George didn't love shrinks

but he also knew when he was in over his head..

...and such was the case when Noah announced

his undying love for..

Carmen.

Great.

And..

Uh, C-Carmen wrestling a snake.

Mm-hmm.

Alright.

Carmen as a butterfly..

...making love to a dragon's face.

Al Jarreau.

[instrumental music]

Wait, wait, wait.

Al Jarreau straddling Carmen.

- Fantastic. - 'Oh.'

Are you writing a prescription?

Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay.

[door opens]

Hey. How-how-how is he?

The man is obsessed, quite frankly

with Carmen, his former housekeeper.

I knew it. I knew it. This is a mess.

He thinks he's in love with her.

But he's not.

It's a midlife crisis, and it is incredibly common

and it will pass.

Okay. You sure?

It's classic caregiver transference.

Triggered, perhaps, by being married to an icy, strident

self-important, castrating WASP.

So you've met Jill?

- I've met everyone. - Right.

Well, th-th-there's gotta be something I can do.

Well, there is.

Keep his mind off of Carmen

and redirect those thoughts.

Introduce some fun new hobbies

great food, perhaps.

I know this fantastic place baklava

if he partakes in something like that.

You may also want to employ a little light smack talk.

Offer up some disparaging remarks about Carmen.

Hmm. Will that work?

It may.

For example, um..

"...Carmen isn't even that pretty."

Or, "If you ask me, Carmen isn't too pretty."

Or, "There are a lot of other girls out there.."

[Noah screams]

Passion, when expressed

non-violently can be beautiful.

Noah!

But just because you're

passionate about something

doesn't necessarily mean

that others share your passion.

Oh, Tessa, just look how the sunlight kisses each crystal

and sends all those refractions just flyin'.

Oh, isn't it just a thing of wonder?

Tessa, do you or do you not

feel like you're doing the rumba inside a rainbow?

Oh. Yeah. Totally.

S-sorry, Dallas.

I'm just really stressed about this whole college thing.

I mean, watching Ryan go through it

I can't stop thinking about next year.

My grades are fine, but I'm not sure that's enough anymore.

I need to be more impressive.

Impressive? Tessa, you're very impressive.

After all, how many high school students

can boast to being named

senior vice president of prismatic affairs

at a crystal cup of crystals?

I don't think the schools I'm looking at

are gonna care about that.

I, I need a credential

substance.

Dallas, may I post

a flyer in your shop window

for my book signing?

As you may recall

I'm a published author.

And as such, I find

my readers really do relish

the opportunity for face time.

Excuse me, Mrs. Werner.

I'd be happy to post flyers

for you around town or help you

with anything else you may need.

Interning for a published author..

Which I am.

...would look really good

on my college application.

An intern.

What a novel idea.

Pun intended, constructed

impeccably.

- You'll start at once. - You don't mind, right, Dallas?

I mean, it's been pretty slow around here.

I'm sure you can manage without me.

Manage? Don't be silly. A monkey could do this job.

Oh. Absolutely. That's what I've always said.

I'll just go ahead and place an ad

for part-time help at the zoo.

Sensational.

Tessa, you're hired. You have the job.

And I use that term loosely, because there is no pay.

- Understood. - I'm tough, but not fair.

[instrumental music]

(Dalia) 'Mr. Wolfe?'

What are you doing?

Oh, Dalia, don't mind me.

Since Chef Alan adulterated our relationship

I've decided to throw out absolutely everything

that reminds me of him.

[inhales sharply] Which is absolutely everything.

What about the microwave?

What about the microwave?

Doesn't the microwave remind you of Chef Alan?

Not really.

But the microwave cooks food

and so does Chef Alan.

No, I see your point.

You should throw out your microwave.

Okay. I know. It's just..

I use my microwave...a lot.

Yeah.

And besides, Mr. Wolfe

getting rid of all your stuff

isn't gonna make you feel better anyway.

It isn't?

Well, what is?

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

[crunching]

- Mmm! - You like it?

Oh, I love it!

Almost as much as I love--

Don't say it. Come on.

Don't-don't even say her name.

You need to wipe every thought..

She was good at wiping stuff.

- Noah. - She was.

She wiped everything.

My counters, my windows

and you should have seen the way she polished a knob.

(Noah) She loved it.

It wasn't a chore.

She was greedy for it.

Hmm.

She was a sorceress. A playful sorceress.

She invented this great game

where she would disappear into thin air.

And the moment that Opus and I began to get nervous

she would reappear! It was a miracle.

- It was peek-a-boo. - It was pure magic.

I'm trying to help you here, Noah.

You're a married man.

Well, my body may be married

but my soul, it runs free..

through the night, into the thicket..

...where warm Carmen awaits..

...in the damp, salty night air.

Hey! You need to stop indulging this fantasy and move on.

- Move on? - Yes.

Ever since Carmen left, I haven't been able to sleep.

- I haven't been able to eat. - Really?

See-seems-seems like you're doing just fine

baklava.

Yeah, well, this happens to be delicious.

As you can see, I moved my desk

in here on the front lines.

This allowed me to observe my subject

in its natural habitat.

[Opus cooing]

[Tessa chuckles]

- Tessa, I beg you. - Sorry.

In any case, the more I studied the baby

the more I realized

'he has no idea what he's doing.'

Babies are born into this world

with their heads up their diapers.

They have no idea how to be a baby.

Hence...my latest book.

'"How To Be A Baby: You're Out. Now What?"'

Wow.

How brave of you to target

a demographic that doesn't read.

You know what?

They'll never learn if you

coddle them, Tessa.

Never.

Now as my intern, your main duty

is to nurture and support

my creative process

and to count out

my daily nutritional

allotment of almonds.

Six almonds.

No more, even if I beg.

You are not to give me

a single almond over six.

Think I can handle that.

That's only because you've never seen me beg.

Six almonds.

- What if I'm starving? - So what?

- Six almonds. Bravissima.

Oh, wait a minute.

It actually says here serving size is seven almonds.

So let's make it seven almonds.

Okay. Seven almonds. Got it.

Add one more almond to the pile..

...and we're all set.

Coming right up.

Thank you, Tessa. Ah!

[plates shattering]

You imbecile. You gullible, malleable fool.

I just tricked you into giving me another almond.

I tricked you!

- You have to be ready. - But..

Butts are for people

who eat more than six almonds in a sitting.

And as you can see from my butt..

...that ain't me. Pun intended.

So that's why he's been so upset over Carmen leaving?

I had no idea Noah is in love with Carmen.

Okay, okay, Da-Dallas, not a, not a word to anyone.

And you cannot say anything to Jill.

[inhales and exhales sharply] I can't imagine how she'd feel.

Or if she'd feel. Jill tends to resist feeling.

For instance, she felt nothing

when she stole your daughter from my employ.

Okay, well, I think, I think Tessa

thought that was a good opportunity.

Hey, as rewarding as the crystal field has been for you

it's probably not where she sees herself in five years.

No?

I guess she sees herself residing

in the frigid, flaky recesses

of Jill Werner's tailpipe.

Wow. You really paint a picture.

But truthfully, that coldness

I think is part of the problem.

I mean, Carmen, she was warm with Noah.

I know. She's the best.

numero uno.

Yeah, but the timing.

I mean, they have a new baby.

They have to stick together.

Right, and it's not exactly like Carmen's

expressed the same feelings towards him.

Since she's been here

she has not mentioned Noah's name once.

Noah, if I may ask, how is he?

- Oh. Uh, he's-he's good. - He's good.

- He's doing real good. - Real good.

[instrumental music]

Please give this to him for me.

'He always forgets to wipe down'

'the touch screen of his phone.'

It tends to get so greasy.

I-I will... see that he gets this.

(Carmen) 'Thank you.'

On a lighter note, I pulled three handfuls

of yellow wig hair from the drain in the downstairs bath.

I'll talk to Dalia.

He needs a new look, one that says

"You cheated on me, you're a cheater

drop dead, you homosexual cheater."

But without losing a lot of length.

How about some daring magenta tips?

Ooh, like that.

But do daring magenta tips say

"I hope you stop breathing in your sleep?"

Mm, no. But they do say, "I'm fun. You're not.

I hope you get SARS."

- 'Kay. - This is exciting.

No, Mr. Wolfe.

This is war.

(Tessa) 'Okay, I stuffed your face'

'in all these envelopes'

cubed your bedtime gouda

and ordered refill bags for the diaper genie.

Is there anything else you'd like me to do

before I head out?

Tessa, why did you take

this internship working for me?

Funny. I was actually just asking myself the same question.

I think I know the answer.

I think that there's a part of you

that dreams of one day being

a published author.

You know, maybe you're--

Of course, I'm right.

Which is why I'd like to give you

a little creative writing assignment.

Really?

That's great.

I mean...thank you.

You are very welcome.

So what's the assignment?

I'd like you to help Opus

write a review for my new book.

[Opus babbling]

Wait, what?

It'll take a little creativity

on your part and a willingness to try on his.

[Opus cooing]

Don't think I understand.

He will speak without words

and you will listen without ears.

I have ears.

Then you heard how..

...poetic that sounded.

Let me get this straight.

You want me to ask Opus what he thought of your book

and then transcribe his incoherent babbling--

Into a review

that you post on Amazon.

If there's another printing

it may even wind up on the jacket.

'It'll be your first published piece'

and my first five-star review.

How do you know Opus is gonna give you five stars?

He connects with the material. See for yourself.

[rustling]

[instrumental music]

And I just thought some fresh air

and a new hobby, like tapping syrup

would help get your mind off of..

Tapping Carmen?

I get it. You're a good friend.

Well, I'm just trying to look out for you, man.

I can tell you from experience

the single parent thing is not easy.

And neither is marriage, but you can't just bolt

when things get hard.

- Yeah. You're right. - Yeah.

My place is in Jill Werner's bony, punishing arms.

Besides, if Carmen felt the same

she would have reached out by now.

Some small gesture, but she hasn't.

Yeah.

- L-let's go home. - Yeah?

And let's take our sap..

...run it through the reverse osmosis filter

boil it, evaporate it

bottle it...and then go home.

♪ Da da-da da da ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ I don't know if I can yell any louder ♪

♪ How many times have I.. ♪♪

My only question is, is it gay enough?

Absolutely.

- I think it's naughty. - It is.

Thank you guys for the pick-me-up.

I really needed it.

[whispers] Where do I pay?

You don't pay. Chef Alan pays.

Actually, he does pay.

Fine. You pay, and then Chef Alan pays.

This is only phase one, Mr. Wolfe.

Phase one?

You look better

but you don't feel better.

And in order to feel better

you need to make Chef Alan feel worse.

You need to find his sad button and his mad button

and push them both..

...like, 15 times in a row.

How do you know all this?

Dalia, did someone break your..

[groaning]

What's that noise?

She's crying.

Crying? Are you sure? There are no tears.

Yeah, she taught herself to dry cry years ago

to avoid ruining her makeup.

'It'll run its course.'

It often stops just as suddenly as--

Do you guys wanna get Sushi?

[upbeat music]

"The only thing that stinks

"more than this book is my diaper.

"All the wipes in the world

"won't freshen up this turd.

Signed, Opus Werner."

Throwing Opus under the bus, aren't ya?

Uh, I'd like to think Opus and I

are of the same mind on this.

Well, it sounds like somebody has mastered

how to be a baby.

It's not me. It's her.

Jill Werner is the most vapid

self-obsessed narcissist I have ever met.

Well, nobody's perfect.

- Why are we eating syrup? - Well, I didn't get the greens.

- You want some on your greens? - The greens?

- Yeah. - No, dad, I don't.

We can choose to bask in the negativity

because somebody had a bad day at the office

or we can happily guzzle the sweet

amber fluid of the Lord. There.

- Now it's on your greens. - George.

- The woman is a monster. - Okay.

I honestly don't know to her.

Part of me wants to slip him a note that says

"Run. Run for your life."

Please do not do that

because I have been working very hard

to keep that from happening.

Look, I'll admit that Jill is not like

most of the moms in Chatswin, but she's a career woman.

I thought you of all people would appreciate that.

I thought you looked up to her.

I did, until I got to know her.

Have you seen how she conducts herself

around a plate of almonds?

Well, she's got a lot going on.

Have you ever written a body of work

you were extremely proud of?

I imagine it takes a lot out of you.

Oh, my God.

George...why are you defending her?

[instrumental music]

And then I thought, my God, George

why are you defending her?

And I realized that it's impossible for me

to hear you talk about leaving..

...without...remembering what it felt like to be left.

I'm Jill.

I'm an unpublished Jill Werner

17 years out.

Grim.

I wasn't being objective or a good friend.

I've, I've no right telling you. It-it..

Look, don't beat yourself up, buddy.

Carmen and I weren't meant to be.

Like I said, if she felt anything for me

she would have reached out by now.

Yeah.

Well...that's the thing.

[instrumental music]

- Where did you get this? - From Carmen.

She asked me to give it to you

and I didn't because..

I knew it.

I knew it. She does care.

[shouting] I am leaving my wife..

...for Carmen!

- Whoo-hoo! - Noah? Darling?

[door closes]

Well...today's pain

is tomorrow's best-seller. Am I right?

[piano music]

Sweets..

(Tessa) When your strike

reaches its intended target

there's something bittersweet

about the moment.

On the one hand, it's great

to watch your tormentor fall.

On the other hand..

...watching them fall reminds you that they're human.

Jill..

...I'm sorry about that.

I can't understand what went wrong with us.

I know how painful this must be.

Oh, I looked like a fool today.

I mean, I, I think maybe Noah has been--

Noah? I'm talking about you.

I asked you to do one thing for me.

Craft a five-star book review

from my child's point of view.

- And what you-- - 'Hold on.'

Are you really telling me

that you're more upset

about the book review I posted

than you are about..

...the end of your marriage?

Look, Noah leaving me for Carmen

is a real crap sandwich.

But you know something? ciabatta.

[Greg Laswell singing "Girls Just Want To Have Fun"]

What's this? You already started a new book?

A new chapter.

♪ Oh and they hide.. ♪

Ah.

Hmm.

Maybe this one will be worth a damn.

And then it occurred to me

no matter what I thought of Jill Werner

it would never be as bad as what

Jill Werner thought of herself.

♪ Those girls they.. ♪♪

- Hey, Dallas. - Tessa, how are you doing?

Have you climbed your way up the literary food chain

and secured the college credential of your dreams?

Actually..

...I'd really like to come back and work for you

if you'll have me.

Well, I don't know, Tessa.

No college admissions director is gonna look twice--

I don't care.

Working for Jill might

look better on paper

but...she can't teach me anything

about being a good person.

And...who can, exactly?

Okay, now you're just fishing.

Well, go on, let me catch something.

You, Dallas.

I can learn about being a better person from you.

Who?

- I like the way you say that. - Yeah.

Where is she?

Carmen!

Carmen!

(Carmen) 'In the bathroom!'

It better be number one, woman

'cause I'm coming in.

This can't wait! Ah!

[gasps]

Mr. Werner!

Don't move a muscle, Carmen.

I want to remember you just like this.

It's going to cause a flood.

I don't care! Let it!

[instrumental music]

Why didn't you contact me?

I waited every day for you to contact me

and you never did!

I wrote you 42 e-mails

one e-mail a day for 42 days.

What address did you use?

The AOL one.

[crying] I don't check that account.

[music continues]

It's too late now.

It's over.

It's not over.

It's never over!

[music continues]

What the hell?

I thought you said you missed me.

[spits]

for you.

I'm sorry, but I only like you as a boss.

- Oh! chamois?

It was for wiping things.

[sighs]

[sighs] No. No. I won't go.

No, this is too easy, Carmen!

I didn't fight for you last time.

I'm not gonna make the same mistake twice.

I have a lot of mopping to do.

Well, then I'm gonna stand right here beside you..

...and I'm gonna watch you mop.

Well, I can't if you're in the middle of the floor.

Well, I have to show you that I'm not giving up on us.

Where do you want me to stand?

I don't know. On the toilet?

Fine. Just..

[music continues]

Ah, ah!

You're beautiful.

[instrumental music]