All language subtitles for suburgatory.s02e12.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
Since I had started dating
Ryan Shay

I had learned
a couple of things.

One, he required 30 grams

of animal protein
at every meal.

And two,
his after-school schedule

was as tight as his abs.

No, I can't do Wednesday.
Wednesday I've got wrestling.

Okay.

- Thursday?
- Circuit training.

Then I have modeling,
jump rope club...nude modeling.

Fine, what does
your Friday look like?

Mmm.

Mmm! Boy band practice.

Wow.

Seems like you got
a pretty full plate.

Yeah, I need 30 grams
of animal protein

at every single meal.

No, I meant to say that..

...your days are totally
and completely booked.

They're overbooked.

Well, I'm sure yours are too.

You probably
have tons of awesome

after school activities.

No, yeah, totally.
I do. Tons.

I had nothing going on

and was in danger
of being pathetic.

I needed an after-school
activity of my own.

Attention, lunch eaters.

The critically criticized
Chatswin High TV Network

is looking
for a qualified producer

with no previous
qualifications..

I have no previous
qualifications.

(Wolfe)
'...to oversee our hard-hitting
call-in show, "Teen Talk."'

I'm a teen. I love to talk.

Any interested parties
should contact me

at their earliest.
Hello, Tessa.

Meanwhile, George was busy

with a new hobby of his own

indulging Dallas Royce.

Oh, my gosh, George!

You're like the Joy Behar
of cabana design.

So? What do you think?
You like it?

- Like it?
- Yeah.

- I love it.
- Yeah?

Think of all the cabana
parties I can now throw.

And think of all
the cabana boys I can employ.

You know I love
to employ people, George.

Would you consider
employing a balcony?

Well, who in their right mind
wouldn't want a balcony?

That's like asking
if you want fries with that.

The answer is always,
always yes.

[gasps]

Paint the background..

Tessa. Welcome aboard.

Let me take you on
a grand tour of our facilities.

That's the chair.

That is a phone.

Well, I hope I can remember
where everything is.

Mr. Wolfe, Ms. Altman,
talent just called.

Our host, Evan Spaghetti,
says he's not coming in, okay?

The show goes live in five,
and we don't have a host.

What's wrong with Evan?

His pediatrician
says exhaustion.

Okay, th..
This is real!

It's not a drill, alright?
Everyone, places! Go time!

What do we do now?

Well, don't look at me.

You're the new producer
of "Teen Talk."

Where would you
like me to look?

- I--
- Study hall!

I forgot about study hall.

It's a completely useless class.

It's like they want us
to cut it and make out.

- So do you wanna?
- Ryan.

Right now I'm in the middle
of managing a crisis.

Tessa! You're a genius.

He's absolutely perfect.

I'm sorry.
I'm seeing someone already.

Uh, no, he means
you're perfect to host

"Teen Talk" today.
Our host called in sick.

You want me to bail you out?

Well, when you
put it like that--

- Yes!
- Okay.

(Ryan)
'We'll make out later!'

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

I like cantaloupe, I do

but...it doesn't infuse water
the way a berry will.

Taste for yourself.
It didn't infuse.

- For me it did.
- It didn't.

- I taste it.
- You don't.

- Tastes like melon.
- You're a filthy liar.

- Hey.
- Hi.

Hey, you wanna hear
somethin' funny?

You wanna taste somethin' funny?

Melon water.
Tastes like nothin'.

So I went to pull the permits
on the cabana

and it appears that after
looking at some zoning maps

58% of your property

is on the East Chatswin
side of the border. Ha ha ha.

Isn't that funny? Technically,
you live in East Chatswin.

[dramatic music]

What?

What the hell are you
trying to do to me, George?

Whoa, baby, it's,
it's not that big of a deal.

It's just a technicality.
Come on. Doesn't matter.

[gasps]

Oh.

'Sort of looking
like it matters.'

So apparently,
Evan usually opens the show

with a funny anecdote.

Do you know any funny anecdotes?

- Babe, I got this.
- Whoa.

I mean, what do you mean,
you got this?

I'm just gonna talk
about my body.

People love it
when I talk about my body.

Ryan, no,
don't talk about your body.

People do not wanna hear you
talk about your body.

- 'We're on in five..'
- They do.

...four, three..

[instrumental music]

I was sure he wasn't
going to talk about his body.

There was no way he was
going to talk about his body.

Hi, I'm Ryan Shay

and I'm here to talk
about my body.

Please call in with your
questions and compliments.

Lines are open.

[phone ringing]

Tessa! Look. The phones work.

'I thought
they were just props.'

[ringing continues]

And we've got caller number one.

- Yes.
- 'Hi. Body?'

Please talk to my glutes.
They're all ears.

It was official, Dallas Royce

was no longer
a citizen of Chatswin.

But it wasn't just Dallas who
would suffer the consequences.

Yakult Royce?

[dog barks]

I'm sorry, Yakult.

Your membership
has been revoked.

[growling]

I get it.

- No!
- Come on. Come on.

Guys, is this
really necessary?

W-wait! This is all
a big mistake!

Here's your dog.

And here is your complimentary

you're-no-longer-one-of-us
gift basket.

Please don't do this!

I am one of you!
This isn't right.

Ooh, but this hand cream
is amazing.

Dalia Royce.

'I've been informed
that you are no longer'

a Chatswin resident.

Therefore, you can no longer

attend Chatswin High.

Okay.

Clear out your locker,
and prepare

to be relocated
to East Chatswin High.

Okay.

You may take a moment

to say goodbye to your friends.

Okay. I'm good.

Very well.

Mr. Wolfe, is this..

...for real?
This is unbelievable.

Almost as unbelievable
as the overnights

I just got on "Body Talk."

"Body Talk"?

You heard me, sister.

"Teen Talk" is dead.

- What?
- That's right, Spaghetti.

Wolfie, baby,
let's talk this thing over.

You made me
change my name to Spaghetti.

You're yesterday's news.

The ratings on "Body Talk"
were through the roof.

That is impossible.

The numbers don't lie.

The show got a 19
but a 25 in the 17 to 18 demo.

- What are you talking about?
- What does the 25 mean?

It means 25 people watched it.

That's huge.

"Teen Talk"
had only ever gotten a two

and that was just me
and Chef Alan.

Well, I'm happy Ryan did well.

Just keep doing
what you're doing.

What?

I always knew that

someday Ryan would be the star

of a call-in show
about his body.

I just...I didn't think

you'd be the one producing it.

To be honest, I always thought
it'd be Seacrest.

[instrumental music]

Okay.

Baby? Let's go inside.

I'm not going inside, George.

Inside that house
is East Chatswin.

Okay, you're,
you're being crazy.

It's still your house.

It's practically a crack den.

Nope, George, nope.
I'm staying in here.

Here's got everything
an upscale

single gal like myself needs.

I can charge my phone

use the tan roof
to get some sun

and if I'm drinking
four different beverages

there's four beverage holders.

Inside that house,
zero beverage holders, George.

- Zero.
- Dallas?

This car is my
home-sweet-home now.

What are you..
What's going on?

- 'Oh..'
- What are you doing?

Comfy cozy.
Like the Four Seasons.

Okay, I-I started this mess

and I'm gonna be the one
to fix it.

I'm gonna go make some calls.

Thanks for dropping by!

Dalia was doing
a little better adjusting

to her new circumstances.

Thanks to a coping mechanism
known as denial.

Hi, Malik.

Hi, Tessa.

What up, bitches?

Who the hell are you?

Who the hell are you?

Daisy.

Dalia.

This is the triple A.

Ashley, Amber, and Amantha.

What kinda name is Amantha?

It's the kind of name
that thinks

you're a pale, ugly loser.

Mr. Wolfe,
they're being mean to me.

She's living in my car.

My car.
This has to be fixed.

Y-you sure
this guy can help, because..

Look, this guy is the ultimate
power broker in Chatswin.

He controls the zoning board.

He pulls permits
out of his back pocket

like they're chewing gum.

He's the Godfather.

Marty? Steam room Marty?
He's your guy?

'He's the Godfather?'

Gentlemen.

What can I do for you?

Well, Marty,
I'm, I'm here about Dallas.

- You know Dallas?
- Know her?

Why, I consider her
a close, personal friend.

- Exactly.
- In fact, she's my best friend.

Now I don't know
if you know this

but we fought
in the war together.

Okay-okay. You and Dallas Royce?

Who the hell is that?

Okay, Marty,
she's my girlfriend.

And...it turns out
that half of her property

is in East Chatswin,
and now she's being

kicked out of the club,
her daughter is being

thrown out of school.

So you want me to go

to her house and break bread.

What? No.

I'm asking you
to rezone her property

so she can
remain a resident of Chatswin.

And why would I do that?

Uh, Marty, I gave you
an emergency root canal

and did your crown for free.

So you owe, you, you owe me.

Everything you need..

...is on this disk.

Print it out,
fill out the paperwork

and then come see me

in the steam room.

Where, where am I
gonna find a computer

to open this thing up?

Who do I look like? Al Gore?

Before we go, I wanna take

one final call about my body.

[phone ringing]

- You're on the air, caller.
- 'Hey. It's pretty warm out.'

(man on phone)
'Can you tell us
how your body does in the heat?'

(Ryan)
'Yeah, that's a,
that's a very good question.'

'I actually get that one a lot.'

'And hydration
is the key to hydration.'

Now when I wanna get hydrated,
I like to drink

stuff through my mouth.

Till next time.

Okay. You know what?
This is stupid.

This is...just...stupid!

'I want my name off the show.'

Tessa, please.

- You're embarrassing yourself.
- I'm embarrassing myself?

You're the one spending
a whole entire study hall period

talking about your body.

Hey, the only reason
I even agreed

to do "Body Talk"
was for you.

I know this is your only
extra curricular activity.

I know it must make you feel
like a big loser.

A big loser?

No, no. Uh, look,
it's okay, though.

You're less popular than me,
you have less friends than I do

and you have little
to no activities.

But...I'm still super,
super into you, like, I'm..

I do not need your pity! Okay?

I don't need your help.

I could make this show
a huge success without you.

Okay.

We both know that's not true.

Okay, you have no idea
what people find interesting

and you told me
to open with an antidote

whatever the hell that is.

I would literally
rather watch anything

anything else

'than you
talking about your body.'

What are you trying to say?

What I'm trying to say is

you are fired.

Well, if you're trying
to say that, congratulations

it to me!

- Yes, I said it.
- Wow!

[instrumental music]

Wow!

Let's go, boys.

[music continues]

(Dalia)
'Mommy, I'm home.'

Back here!

How was school today?
Did you make any new friends?

No.

Everyone at my new school's
tanner than me.

They act like I'm not
tan enough to be going there.

That's ridiculous.

No one should ever be judged
by how deep their tan is.

I know, right?

I just wish they could look
beyond the color of my tan

and see the content
of my closet.

Because I have really nice stuff
in my closet, you know?

I know.

And that's a beautiful dream.

You know,
I can't remember the last time

we had an after-school espresso,
just the two of us.

Maybe being ostracized
by our community

and driven out of our home
was a blessing in disguise.

Yeah.

It's a good disguise, mommy.

Where's my kangaroo?

[instrumental music]

Ha ha. Marty.

It was not easy, but I found
an old library in Queens

that has a working Quadra 650.

'I have here the documents,
all filled out'

'ready for your approval, sir.'

- Thank..
- Hey.

"Rejected?" Marty, you bastard.

What, I, I-I filled out the
paperwork just like you said.

The paperwork
doesn't change the fact

that 58% of the property
is in East Chatswin.

Thus making it 100%

in East Chatswin.

Why did you make him
fill out the paperwork

if you were
just gonna reject it?

- Protocol.
- 'Alright, you know what?'

Don't come crying to me
the next time your crown cracks!

My crown is already cracked!

I had to get a partial bridge!

Ew.

Okay. That...is a bridge
too far, my friend.

That is a bridge too far!

Ah! Oh, God!
Ah! Oh! Ah!

(male #1)
'Five, four, three'

'two..'

♪ Do do do-do do ♪

♪ Do-do do do do-do do ♪

♪ Do do do.. ♪♪

Welcome to "Tessa Talk."

I'm your host...Tessa.

Today we are going to be talking
about what it takes

to get an episode
of television on the air

how to deal with talent,
manage the expectations

of the faculty,
and how to produce

an entertaining segment.

Phone lines are open.

[instrumental music]

[clears throat]

Does anybody wanna..

...talk about my body?

Sorry, albinos can't drink
from this fountain.

You're so pale.
You look like a vampire.

Do you need a transfusion?

You should be in the next
"Twilight" movie

'cause your skin
looks like a dead vam--

I get it. My tan's
not good enough for you guys.

It's not your tan. It's you.

We don't like you
'cause you're new.

Oh. I used to make fun
of new people too.

Just ask Tessa.

Maybe one day
you'll get transferred

and then you'll know
what it feels like

to be the odd biatch out.

Biatch.

I miss my old school.

You wanted to see me?

I didn't want to see you.

The cancellation bear
wanted to see you.

In his den.

What is this?

Our ratings went down 24.

That means we got a 1.

You lost Chef Alan,
and when you've lost Chef Alan

you've lost America.

Mr. Wolfe, I'm sorry.

But I can't
dedicate myself to a show

that fixates
on the most superficial

unimportant aspect
of being a human being.

Aren't you dating Ryan now?

- Kind of.
- 'Then you should know.'

What makes "Body Talk" great
isn't Ryan's great body.

He also has an amazing spirit.

I assumed that was
what you liked about him.

It is.

The best thing to wash down

a big slice of humble pie.

East Chatswin tap water.

[spitting]

Oh! Javier!

Oh, thank goodness!

Oh, I didn't know
you worked at this club too.

I need to file a complaint
about the water!

It's unfruited.

Actually, I don't
work here, Dallas.

I-I'm a member
just like you.

Javier, no.

How could you belong
to an establishment

who puts little,
if any, fruit in their water?

Truth told, I'm a tap man.

A tap man?

- Dallas.
- Ah!

- Hey.
- George! Thank God, George.

The water...is unfruited.

Well, uh,
I-I got some bad news.

Worse than unfruited?

On a scale of one to ten,
unfruited being a nine?

It's a ten. It's Marty.

He not only rejected our appeal,
but now he has

a restraining order
against me.

So looks like
neither one of us

is going to the Chatswin
Country Club anytime soon.

- I see.
- Hey.

But, hey, hey,
I will personally cut fruit

and put it in your water
every single day of the week.

And I'll join
the East Chatswin Y too.

We're in this together, okay?

Okay.

If I have to slum it, I guess

I'd rather slum it with you.

I'd rather slum it
with you too.

[instrumental music]

- Hey, Javier.
Hola.

While Dallas made peace
with the idea

of not belonging to a club
that didn't want

to have her as a member,
I realized that

I already belonged to something
that meant more to me

than any after-school activity.

Welcome to a special edition
of "Body Talk."

Today I'm going to be
answering questions

on everybody's favorite subject.

Ryan Shay.

The two of us
started dating recently

so I'm practically
an expert on him

and his amazing body.

The phone lines are open
for your questions.

[phone ringing]

(woman on phone)
'Hey, Tessa,
I was just wondering'

'what's your favorite part
of "The Body's" body?'

Great question, caller.

Um..

I'd have to say it's his heart.

Yeah, his heart is even bigger
than his quads

which, as you know, are...huge.

[Ryan clears throat]

[instrumental music]

Ladies and gentlemen,
this is an exciting day

'on "Body Talk."'

Please welcome
the star of our show

and the guy
I wanna say sorry to.

Ryan Shay.

[instrumental music]

I'm sorry I called you a loser.

I'm sorry
I was acting like one.

[music continues]

Where there's a will,
there's a way.

And Noah wasn't willing
to lose his best friend

to East Chatswin.

[singing in foreign language]

Noah, what's going on in here?

Hey, Marty!

What, you don't like
my friends?

'I got them all guest passes.'

They love it here.

They said they're gonna come
all the time, huh?

Yeah!

You bastard.

How much
to get my steam room back?

You can get it back cheap.
It'll just cost you one stamp.

And just like that
the Royces were citizens

of Chatswin again.

And not a minute too soon
for Dalia.

[indistinct chattering]

(Dalia)
'Bye, losers.
I'm done being a loser.'

Does this school validate?

My old school validates.

No? You guys all
probably take the bus.

[women singing]