Original subtitles

(Tessa) Now that I was dating Ryan Shay

I found myself spending an unnatural amount of time

with his biggest fan, Sheila.

(Sheila) 'Give it to me, son! Give it to me.'

Come on, I can take it! I want it!

Come on. Bring it to mama!

I'm gonna give it to her.

Are you ready to watch me give it to my mom?

Net!

- Damn it! - Focus, Ryan!

Focus! Come on, baby!

Focus on delivering your balls right to mama!

Focus on delivering the balls right here! Focus, Ryan!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

[instrumental music]

Aah!

Ah! Ow!

Yes! In your face!

- 'Yes!' - Ow!

Chest me! Chest me!

What? What? Oh, my.. Ow!

Alright, I need some ice. I need some ice.

I think I sprained my wrist!

- Whoo! - I think I sprained my wrist.

Tessa, while Lisa's in the bathroom

can we do a little girl-on-girl?

I mean, it d-depends.

I want your take on the Lisa of it all.

What does that mean?

By now, we all expected her

to come to her senses

and reconcile with Malik.

Malik was the whole package

chocolate-brown eyes, personable demeanor

supple, dewy skin, which, as you know, won't crack.

Yeah, I-I don't think

she's getting back together with Malik.

Let's be honest.

The boys aren't exactly lining up

outside our door to meet her.

And there's a very strong genetic predisposition

towards spinsterhood in the Shay family.

[gasps] Is it okay if I get ribs?

Yeah. Whatever you want, tiger.

Lisa has needs, Tessa, and we need to find

someone who's gonna meet them.

I don't know.

I mean, when Lisa and Malik

first started dating

they actually tried to set me up

and I really resented it.

How do you even know that Lisa wants us to--

I want you to. I can't chase balls forever, Tessa.

I don't have the knees for it.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

Okay, what is this urgent sit-down about?

Okay, you know how Yakult has been super depressed

since Noah Werner stole our dog walker Ashanti?

Dallas, I really don't wanna be in the middle

of this feud between you and Noah.

Yakult is suicidal, George.

That dog walker and her were besties.

Okay. H-have-have you tried buying Yakult a new squeaky toy?

A new squeaky toy?

George, she's questioning

her purpose on planet earth.

A new squeaky toy or an $8 milk-bone

is not gonna cut it.

So...I called in a professional.

A professional?

[Indian classical music]

- Yani. - Yoni.

- What-what's that? - Yoni.

Ah. Right. Forgive me.

I will forgive you when I hear you say it correctly.

Yoni.

Your lips you must purse

ever so slightly to make this sound...Yoni.

Like you're giving a kiss to a lover you thought was gone.

Now suddenly...he's back.

Yoni.

Yoni.

Yoni.

Okay, you can stop. I'm never saying your name again.

George, Yoni's agreed to heal Yakult's energy

and bring her back from the dark pit of despair.

And for this, he has to be shirtless?

Oh, jealousy, on top of insecurity, on top of..

...painful gases from a heavy breakfast.

Wrong. I had fruit. So..

What are you looking for

in a man, primarily?

Limbs, I mean, I'd like it if he had four

but I'd totally be okay with three, or two.

I mean, I guess if he was armless

we couldn't hold hands, but..

Yeah, I would consider dating a torso.

Must...have...torso.

- Anything else? - No.

Lisa, you're selling yourself short.

I had a dream last night, Tessa.

And it was sobering.

(Lisa) The year was 2037.

(Tessa) Uh, it said

"Year 2037" at the bottom of your dream?

(Lisa) 'Yes. Fred and Sheila were gone.'

Long gone. Dead and buried.

But I was still living at home

in my old room full of cats.

Okay, you know what? I'm gonna stop..

I'm gonna stop you right there, okay?

That's ridiculous. I don't need a man, okay?

I have my scooter, and I have you, Inky..

...Sassafras...Sir Mix-A-Lot, Cat Stevens

Kat Corbett, Kathmandu

Cream Cheese Rangoon, Mr. Whiskers

Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul

Patches

Jeff Garlin.

You named one of your cats Jeff Garlin?

I named one of my cats Cream Cheese Rangoon.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see why the dream was upsetting.

So please, Tessa, I need your help.

I do not wanna die alone

in a bed full of animal dander.

Just don't set me up with any weirdos, okay?

Okay.

You want me to put Yakult in a cage

like some kind of circus freak?

Dallas, it's not a cage, it's a crate.

And the guy at the pet store said

anxious dogs find crates soothing.

So your plan is to sentence this doggie to prison?

On what grounds, George?

Third-degree cuteness?

Look, you can leave the door unlocked

so she can come and go as she pleases.

Oh, my goodness.

I wish you could feel how hard

her heart is beating right now.

Really? Okay.

You see, Yakult might be stressed

because this house is too big

and she feels responsible for securing it

whereas in her--

Filthy prison cell?

George, I can't! Set her free!

Dallas, can we just try this, please?

She doesn't even have a Morgan Freeman to Shawshank her!

I beg you! Attica!

I thought you were interested in making Yakult less anxious.

I know how to make her less anxious.

- Oh. - Keep away you.

I'm sorry, but that was a real..

...fragmented sentence.

Keep away who?

This man. This George.

Come on. Uh, Dallas--

His negative energy is upsetting Yakult.

She doesn't even look at him as a leader...or even handsome.

Come here, Yakult. Oh, my gosh.

Y'all, she's shaking like a leaf.

She can't be around all this bickering.

Perhaps...one of us should leave.

Yes. Yes. Perhaps one of us should leave.

Okay, we'll see you later, George.

Really? Me?

Well, Yoni's on the clock.

Right.

Okay. Good luck.

Uh...well, George, I..

You know, I gotta be, I gotta be honest here, Dallas.

If the shoe was on the other foot

I think you'd be flippin' out right now.

Nonsense, you had your ex-wife stay over

at your place on Thanksgiving, and I didn't bat an eye.

- That was for Tessa. - This is for Yakult.

Yoni's just staying here until

chi is back to chingy.

George, I want you to trust me.

It's not you I don't trust.

'It's him.'

[flute music]

No more wheat for you.

She's like a terrorist... in your colon.

[music continues]

Mmh.

Mm.

You are the flower, Jill Werner.

You are the flower.

You must hydrate

if you want your bud..

...to open.

Oh.

Oh, my. Oh.

- Did he just open your bud? - Oh.

Unreal. I've been trying to get her bud open since college.

She's never expressed any interest in bud play.

Okay, excuse me, Yoni.

Oh, his aura sting my eyes

like too many shampoo bubbles.

Seriously, when he comes near me, I feel...I cry.

You know what, you may have fooled Dallas

and-and Noah and Jill

and possibly Yakult, but sooner or later

the people of this town are gonna see you

for what you actually are.

You're right.

- Ahem. - What?

What?

Yeah.

For a second, I forgot which town I lived in.

Come to me... and look into my eyes.

So a lot of people are finding

love online nowadays.

Perverts, hoarders, deviants.

Yes, but also nice people

looking for companionship like Lisa.

Tessa, I'm gonna stop you.

I want us to find a suitor for Lisa

the old-fashioned way... in our dining room.

So...what makes you think you'd be a good fit for this position?

W-well, I'm-I'm reliable.

Uh, I mow the Biedermans' lawn every weekend.

Uh, plus I dispose of my own trimmings

which a lot of guys don't do.

Jeff.

Did you lure this child here

under false pretenses?

Reggie, what if I told you that the lawn I wanted you to mow

was, in fact, my 16-year-old daughter?

Well, w-would that be a paying job?

Because I-I thought, I thought

I was here about a paying job.

Yeah. There is a small stipend.

- Oh, okay. - What? You can't do that.

You can't pay somebody to date Lisa.

Well, it's either that or Cousin Tate.

Who I know firsthand is from a good family.

No. Lisa can't date one of her cousins.

I shouldn't have to tell you that.

Oh, Tessa, plenty

of respectable cousin couples

have found love together.

Look at the Giulianis.

It's a no.

You know, it's the taboo that makes it thrilling.

- Right? - Yeah.

(Tessa) Meanwhile, Yoni was just one sage leaf closer

to getting what he wanted from the Royces.

Let go of all your negative energy.

You must.

One of my spiritual teachers taught me this.

(Dalia) Was it Yoda?

Oh, my gosh. Look at Yakult. She's sound asleep.

You calmed her, Yoni.

Well, it wasn't so much the work of Yoni

as it was the absence of George.

Every since you banned him from your home

and agreed to not let him

wax your walrus, the dog has found peace.

Well, we typically don't refer to it as my walrus.

And I don't recall banning George from my home.

You do or you do not want the dog to make the full recovery?

I do.

Then get her a dish with

spring water

for when she wakes..

...she will be thirsty.

Are you my new daddy?

No.

Well, certainly not yet.

But you're trying to be?

You know, it's..

...less about me being your daddy

and more about the other guy being your daddy.

Also I'd like the use of your guest house

for another four to six weeks.

I'm in between places, and my credit is..

...you know...iffy.

Hey, Lisa, I want you to know I'm working on the man sitch

but your parents aren't really making it easy.

You know what? That's-that's okay, Tessa.

- I'm good to go. - Good to go?

Uh, I've..

...I've found someone.

Please tell me it isn't your Cousin Tate.

- Ooh! - What's the haps, sweet cheeks?

I got some giant sour gumballs

that turn your teeth crazy colors.

You interested?

Oh, I'm interested.

I'm real interested.

Take a picture, red. It'll last longer.

- Lisa Marie Shay. - Yes?

- This kid is in middle school. - Taking ninth grade math.

- Boom. - Ha ha ha!

He-he makes me laugh, Tessa.

He makes me laugh, and he brings me sour stuff

and...when I'm with him, I just feel--

Prepubescent?

You know I'm your boyfriend's math tutor, right?

Ho ho ho.

Double boom.

I don't care if he is Ryan's math tutor

there is no one weirder online than A.J.

After sifting through a bunch of

responses from Ren Faire guys

I pulled Lisa's photo, and decided to fly blind.

I didn't wanna put too much importance on looks

or guys who only cared about looks.

I wanted more for Lisa.

Tessa, I hate when people put half-empty milk cartons

back in the fridge without saying anything.

To me it doesn't look half-empty. It looks half-full.

Oh, I-I see. So..

You think I'm negative too, huh?

I'm just saying there's plenty of milk.

Yeah, but because I don't think there's plenty of milk

I'm-I'm a bad person, an, an undesirable partner.

[chuckles] Is that it?

- Are you okay? - No!

No, apparently, I'm not okay.

Apparently, I'm negative, and dark and moody.

According to the man that's shacking up with my girlfriend.

- Dallas is shacking up with-- - Yoni.

- He's back. - Yani is back?

No. No, not Yani. Yoni.

Yoni. Yo-Yoni.

To say his name you must purse your lips as if you're

giving a kiss to someone I'm in a relationship with.

Hmm. Yoni.

- Yoni. - Okay.

Well, dad, take it from me.

The dating scene is pretty dry right now.

So, unless you want to engage in some 16th-century role-play

and joust for your maiden

I suggest you quit moping.

Oh, and, father

if you can't outsmart...Yoni

well, then perhaps you are not my father at all.

Fine, I'll reclaim my wench..

...and get some more milk.

Okay, seven bites of meat before you

make a beeline for dessert. You hear me, mister?

I'm about to make a beeline for something else.

How about a kiss, doll face?

Okay, don't get fresh.

Lisa, I need to talk to you.

- What? - Alone.

Oh...okay.

Just, just one second there.

What is this all about?

It's about finding you a man

who can cut his own meat. Look.

Tessa, did you place a personal ad for me on the world wide web?

Yes, Lisa, I did.

And I got a response from a guy

who sounds pretty great. Listen.

"Let's hold hands, not devices."

He has hands? Or do you think he's just lying to sound good?

No, I think he has hands.

What?

I can't believe A.J. would defy me and go straight for desert.

No way he had seven bites of meat.

No way. Okay. I'm in.

But you and Ryan have to come, 'cause--

Okay, great. Double date. Sounds fun.

Okay. Well, just.. Will you excuse me?

I have to put somebody in a time-out.

Anthony James, how many times have we had this conversation?

Food is a privilege!

Sometimes, instead of walking away from a problem

you have to do the opposite

and take it for a walk.

[George whispering] Not a word.

Daddy Altman?

- Are you abducting our dog? - What? No. No.

No, I was, uh, I was just gonna take her for a walk.

Uh...wanna come with?

And I guess I'm just having a hard time

wrapping my head around why a loving God

would ask Abraham or whatever

to sacrifice his, like, precious son.

I mean, what kind of power trip must he have been on?

'And also if I do go down this route'

I already totally got jerked on the whole bat mitzvah thing.

And in closing, kugel..

Why?

Well, tho-those are all good questions.

- 'Thank you.' - Ex-except the last one.

Man, it's so great to hear what's

going on inside your head.

Yeah.

And also, I'm failing science.

While George continued uncovering

the mystery that was Dalia

I was selling Lisa on the merits of her mystery date.

- Okay, so listen to this. - Yeah?

Every morning at dawn, he writes a poem.

And every evening at sunset, he burns it.

Why?

Because the poem only belonged to the day.

Wow, I mean, talk about

holding yourself to a high standard.

- No, I know. - That's what it's all about.

- Right? - Totally.

Yeah.

Oh, and I-I-I brought a copy of his

favorite book so we could discuss it at dinner.

I'm only six chapters through, but so far, it's really good.

Great, um, so I guess

I'll just listen to you guys while you talk about it, or..

Crap.

I totally should have had you read it.

It's okay.

'I guess just 'cause we've been'

'e-mailing back and forth'

I kind of got sucked in.

Are you falling for my Internet boyfriend

before I've had a chance to?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm very happy with my boyfriend

and you're gonna be really happy

with my ex-boyfriend.

- Scott Strauss. - Tessa.

I found an awesome parking spot.

Sorry. We're handicapped, right?

- Right. - Very.

If a flicker of regret crossed my mind

it was erased by the time the first chunk

of cheese-soaked baguette hit my lips.

Listening to him talk, I was reminded

of the great Scott Strauss paradox.

How could someone who looked so good on paper

and looks so good in person be such a freakin' bore?

Let's think about that as we share this cheese.

So I heard you were journaling in Barcelona?

Barcelona destroyed me.

Nearly destroyed my whole family.

- I'll never go back there. - No, I-I know what you mean.

My family stayed at an all-inclusive in Cancun and..

...it wasn't great.

Although I did like that you could pay for things with beads.

I have a question. How do you get your hair so silky?

You have to admit, it's incredibly silky.

I use jojoba oil that I hand-squeeze

'from organic jojoba seeds that I grow'

in a planter that I built from jojoba husks.

[thinking] Oh, my God. Stop saying jojoba.

Jojoba is also a natural bug repellent.

A lot of people don't know that.

Uh-uh.

I didn't mean to sound condescending.

- No, no.. - Just truly..

People don't know that.

Back to your hair, may I feel it?

I want you to.

Oh-h-h.

[sighs]

Tessa, leave me for him.

- You have to. - No.

There's no accounting for love

but when you find the right person, you know it.

[banging]

Lisa! Baby, I miss us!

'Lisa!'

Oh, my God.

Lisa?

Lisa-a-a!

Hey. Where are you going?

Tessa, I'm ver.. I'm sorry.

But I have to get out of here.

This dinner is destroying me.

I'm not gonna find love in this restaurant. Not tonight.

How do you know?

Because I f-found it once.

And I-I remember what it felt like

and I, um, I just think

I'm gonna need to learn to be alone..

...for now.

Unless you wanna sleep over.

Yeah, I'll sleep over.

Okay. Thanks.

[gasp] Oh, my gosh! Look at Yakult!

She's got a spring in her step again.

I haven't seen her go that hard since she was a puppy.

- Really? - Ugh!

No wonder why I was feeling body ache

chills, and a loose stool coming on.

I knew it was either George Altman

or a parasitic tapeworm.

Oh, wait. I forgot.

Same thing. Burn.

I've been taking the girls on some walks

spending a little quality time with the both of them.

And they have never been happier.

It's true.

And Daddy Altman lets me walk off the leash.

Yoni, you said dog walking was

poochie propaganda perpetuated by the poop bag peeps.

Yeah, the truth is, I..

...I don't really know much about dogs.

So...George was right?

This was just an elaborate ruse to try to get me back

because you're still in love with me?

No. He just doesn't want Daddy Altman to have you.

A-and he wants to stay in your guest house

because his credit is iffy.

(Yoni) It is not my fault.

I was living with this chick that I met at Burning Man.

She was on ecstasy, and

she got a hold of my PIN number.

Nobody cares, Yoni.

- 'It's time for you to go.' - 'Wait, wait.'

- Let me stay for 4 to 6 weeks. - '4 to 6 weeks?'

Can I at least borrow five bucks for cigarettes?

- No! - No.

Come on, Yakult.

Let's go play that game Daddy Altman invented

where I throw a ball and you bring it back.

What's it called?

Bring it back?

Mm-hmm.

Come on, Yakult.

You know she's failing science, right?

- What? - Yeah.

Well, how do you know that?

I talked to her.

She's also toying with the idea

of converting to Judaism.

- Dalia is? - Yeah.

So what now?

Take the damn dog for a walk

around the block

and do science flash cards as we go?

Stop for bagels along the way?

Sound like a plan.

No more healers, dog walkers, or gurus.

From now on, we handle

all our problems ourselves.

So wait.

The dog throws the ball, and I do what now?

You know what? We might wanna hire a specialist for this one.