All language subtitles for suburgatory.s02e11.1080p.web.h264-failed_track3_[eng]

(Tessa)
Now that I was dating
Ryan Shay

I found myself spending
an unnatural amount of time

with his biggest fan, Sheila.

(Sheila)
'Give it to me, son!
Give it to me.'

Come on, I can take it!
I want it!

Come on.
Bring it to mama!

I'm gonna give it to her.

Are you ready to watch me
give it to my mom?

Net!

- Damn it!
- Focus, Ryan!

Focus! Come on, baby!

Focus on delivering
your balls right to mama!

Focus on delivering the balls
right here! Focus, Ryan!

Come on. Come on. Come on.

[instrumental music]

Aah!

Ah! Ow!

Yes! In your face!

- 'Yes!'
- Ow!

Chest me! Chest me!

What? What? Oh, my.. Ow!

Alright, I need some ice.
I need some ice.

I think I sprained my wrist!

- Whoo!
- I think I sprained my wrist.

Tessa, while Lisa's
in the bathroom

can we do a little
girl-on-girl?

I mean, it d-depends.

I want your take
on the Lisa of it all.

What does that mean?

By now, we all expected her

to come to her senses

and reconcile with Malik.

Malik was the whole package

chocolate-brown eyes,
personable demeanor

supple, dewy skin, which,
as you know, won't crack.

Yeah, I-I don't think

she's getting back together
with Malik.

Let's be honest.

The boys aren't exactly
lining up

outside our door to meet her.

And there's a very strong
genetic predisposition

towards spinsterhood
in the Shay family.

[gasps]
Is it okay if I get ribs?

Yeah. Whatever you want, tiger.

Lisa has needs, Tessa,
and we need to find

someone who's gonna meet them.

I don't know.

I mean, when Lisa and Malik

first started dating

they actually
tried to set me up

and I really resented it.

How do you even know
that Lisa wants us to--

I want you to. I can't
chase balls forever, Tessa.

I don't have the knees for it.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

Okay, what is this
urgent sit-down about?

Okay, you know how Yakult
has been super depressed

since Noah Werner
stole our dog walker Ashanti?

Dallas, I really don't
wanna be in the middle

of this feud
between you and Noah.

Yakult is suicidal, George.

That dog walker and her
were besties.

Okay. H-have-have you tried
buying Yakult a new squeaky toy?

A new squeaky toy?

George, she's questioning

her purpose on planet earth.

A new squeaky toy
or an $8 milk-bone

is not gonna cut it.

So...I called in
a professional.

A professional?

[Indian classical music]

- Yani.
- Yoni.

- What-what's that?
- Yoni.

Ah. Right. Forgive me.

I will forgive you when I
hear you say it correctly.

Yoni.

Your lips you must purse

ever so slightly
to make this sound...Yoni.

Like you're giving a kiss
to a lover you thought was gone.

Now suddenly...he's back.

Yoni.

Yoni.

Yoni.

Okay, you can stop. I'm never
saying your name again.

George, Yoni's agreed
to heal Yakult's energy

and bring her back
from the dark pit of despair.

And for this,
he has to be shirtless?

Oh, jealousy, on top
of insecurity, on top of..

...painful gases
from a heavy breakfast.

Wrong. I had fruit. So..

What are you looking for

in a man, primarily?

Limbs, I mean,
I'd like it if he had four

but I'd totally be okay
with three, or two.

I mean, I guess
if he was armless

we couldn't hold hands, but..

Yeah, I would consider
dating a torso.

Must...have...torso.

- Anything else?
- No.

Lisa, you're selling
yourself short.

I had a dream
last night, Tessa.

And it was sobering.

(Lisa)
The year was 2037.

(Tessa)
Uh, it said

"Year 2037" at the bottom
of your dream?

(Lisa)
'Yes. Fred and Sheila
were gone.'

Long gone. Dead and buried.

But I was still living at home

in my old room full of cats.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna stop..

I'm gonna stop you
right there, okay?

That's ridiculous.
I don't need a man, okay?

I have my scooter,
and I have you, Inky..

...Sassafras...Sir Mix-A-Lot,
Cat Stevens

Kat Corbett, Kathmandu

Cream Cheese Rangoon,
Mr. Whiskers

Feline-Za Minnelli, Mew-Paul

Patches

Jeff Garlin.

You named one of your cats
Jeff Garlin?

I named one of my cats
Cream Cheese Rangoon.

Anyway, I'm sure you can see
why the dream was upsetting.

So please, Tessa,
I need your help.

I do not wanna die alone

in a bed full of animal dander.

Just don't set me up
with any weirdos, okay?

Okay.

You want me to put Yakult
in a cage

like some kind of circus freak?

Dallas, it's not a cage,
it's a crate.

And the guy
at the pet store said

anxious dogs
find crates soothing.

So your plan is to sentence
this doggie to prison?

On what grounds, George?

Third-degree cuteness?

Look, you can leave
the door unlocked

so she can come and go
as she pleases.

Oh, my goodness.

I wish you could feel how hard

her heart is beating right now.

Really? Okay.

You see,
Yakult might be stressed

because this house is too big

and she feels responsible
for securing it

whereas in her--

Filthy prison cell?

George, I can't!
Set her free!

Dallas, can we just
try this, please?

She doesn't even have a
Morgan Freeman to Shawshank her!

I beg you! Attica!

I thought you were interested
in making Yakult less anxious.

I know how to make her
less anxious.

- Oh.
- Keep away you.

I'm sorry, but that was a real..

...fragmented sentence.

Keep away who?

This man. This George.

Come on. Uh, Dallas--

His negative energy
is upsetting Yakult.

She doesn't even look at him
as a leader...or even handsome.

Come here, Yakult. Oh, my gosh.

Y'all, she's shaking
like a leaf.

She can't be around
all this bickering.

Perhaps...one of us
should leave.

Yes. Yes. Perhaps one of us
should leave.

Okay, we'll see you later,
George.

Really? Me?

Well, Yoni's on the clock.

Right.

Okay. Good luck.

Uh...well, George, I..

You know, I gotta be, I gotta be
honest here, Dallas.

If the shoe
was on the other foot

I think you'd
be flippin' out right now.

Nonsense, you had
your ex-wife stay over

at your place on Thanksgiving,
and I didn't bat an eye.

- That was for Tessa.
- This is for Yakult.

Yoni's just
staying here until

chi
is back to chingy.

George, I want you
to trust me.

It's not you I don't trust.

'It's him.'

[flute music]

No more wheat for you.

She's like a terrorist...
in your colon.

[music continues]

Mmh.

Mm.

You are the flower,
Jill Werner.

You are the flower.

You must hydrate

if you want your bud..

...to open.

Oh.

Oh, my. Oh.

- Did he just open your bud?
- Oh.

Unreal. I've been trying to get
her bud open since college.

She's never expressed
any interest in bud play.

Okay, excuse me, Yoni.

Oh, his aura sting my eyes

like too many shampoo bubbles.

Seriously, when he comes
near me, I feel...I cry.

You know what,
you may have fooled Dallas

and-and Noah and Jill

and possibly Yakult,
but sooner or later

the people of this town
are gonna see you

for what you actually are.

You're right.

- Ahem.
- What?

What?

Yeah.

For a second, I forgot
which town I lived in.

Come to me...
and look into my eyes.

So a lot of people are finding

love online nowadays.

Perverts, hoarders, deviants.

Yes, but also nice people

looking for companionship
like Lisa.

Tessa, I'm gonna stop you.

I want us to find
a suitor for Lisa

the old-fashioned way...
in our dining room.

So...what makes you think you'd
be a good fit for this position?

W-well, I'm-I'm reliable.

Uh, I mow the Biedermans'
lawn every weekend.

Uh, plus I dispose
of my own trimmings

which a lot of guys don't do.

Jeff.

Did you lure this child here

under false pretenses?

Reggie, what if I told you that
the lawn I wanted you to mow

was, in fact,
my 16-year-old daughter?

Well, w-would that
be a paying job?

Because I-I thought, I thought

I was here about a paying job.

Yeah. There is a small stipend.

- Oh, okay.
- What? You can't do that.

You can't pay somebody
to date Lisa.

Well, it's either that
or Cousin Tate.

Who I know firsthand
is from a good family.

No. Lisa can't date
one of her cousins.

I shouldn't
have to tell you that.

Oh, Tessa, plenty

of respectable cousin couples

have found love together.

Look at the Giulianis.

It's a no.

You know, it's the taboo
that makes it thrilling.

- Right?
- Yeah.

(Tessa)
Meanwhile, Yoni was just
one sage leaf closer

to getting what he wanted
from the Royces.

Let go of all your
negative energy.

You must.

One of my spiritual teachers
taught me this.

(Dalia)
Was it Yoda?

Oh, my gosh. Look at Yakult.
She's sound asleep.

You calmed her, Yoni.

Well, it wasn't so much
the work of Yoni

as it was the absence of George.

Every since you banned him
from your home

and agreed to not let him

wax your walrus,
the dog has found peace.

Well, we typically
don't refer to it as my walrus.

And I don't recall
banning George from my home.

You do or you do not want the
dog to make the full recovery?

I do.

Then get her a dish with

spring water

for when she wakes..

...she will be thirsty.

Are you my new daddy?

No.

Well, certainly not yet.

But you're trying to be?

You know, it's..

...less about me
being your daddy

and more about the other guy
being your daddy.

Also I'd like the use
of your guest house

for another four to six weeks.

I'm in between places,
and my credit is..

...you know...iffy.

Hey, Lisa, I want you to know
I'm working on the man sitch

but your parents
aren't really making it easy.

You know what?
That's-that's okay, Tessa.

- I'm good to go.
- Good to go?

Uh, I've..

...I've found someone.

Please tell me
it isn't your Cousin Tate.

- Ooh!
- What's the haps, sweet cheeks?

I got some giant sour gumballs

that turn your teeth
crazy colors.

You interested?

Oh, I'm interested.

I'm real interested.

Take a picture, red.
It'll last longer.

- Lisa Marie Shay.
- Yes?

- This kid is in middle school.
- Taking ninth grade math.

- Boom.
- Ha ha ha!

He-he makes me laugh, Tessa.

He makes me laugh,
and he brings me sour stuff

and...when I'm with him,
I just feel--

Prepubescent?

You know I'm your boyfriend's
math tutor, right?

Ho ho ho.

Double boom.

I don't care
if he is Ryan's math tutor

there is no one weirder
online than A.J.

After sifting
through a bunch of

responses from Ren Faire guys

I pulled Lisa's photo,
and decided to fly blind.

I didn't wanna put too much
importance on looks

or guys who only cared
about looks.

I wanted more for Lisa.

Tessa, I hate when people
put half-empty milk cartons

back in the fridge
without saying anything.

To me it doesn't look
half-empty. It looks half-full.

Oh, I-I see. So..

You think I'm negative
too, huh?

I'm just saying
there's plenty of milk.

Yeah, but because I don't think
there's plenty of milk

I'm-I'm a bad person,
an, an undesirable partner.

[chuckles]
Is that it?

- Are you okay?
- No!

No, apparently, I'm not okay.

Apparently, I'm negative,
and dark and moody.

According to the man that's
shacking up with my girlfriend.

- Dallas is shacking up with--
- Yoni.

- He's back.
- Yani is back?

No. No, not Yani. Yoni.

Yoni. Yo-Yoni.

To say his name you must
purse your lips as if you're

giving a kiss to someone
I'm in a relationship with.

Hmm. Yoni.

- Yoni.
- Okay.

Well, dad, take it from me.

The dating scene
is pretty dry right now.

So, unless you want to engage
in some 16th-century role-play

and joust for your maiden

I suggest you quit moping.

Oh, and, father

if you can't outsmart...Yoni

well, then perhaps
you are not my father at all.

Fine, I'll reclaim my wench..

...and get some more milk.

Okay, seven bites of meat
before you

make a beeline for dessert.
You hear me, mister?

I'm about to make a beeline
for something else.

How about a kiss, doll face?

Okay, don't get fresh.

Lisa, I need to talk to you.

- What?
- Alone.

Oh...okay.

Just, just one second there.

What is this all about?

It's about finding you a man

who can cut his own meat. Look.

Tessa, did you place a personal
ad for me on the world wide web?

Yes, Lisa, I did.

And I got a response
from a guy

who sounds pretty great. Listen.

"Let's hold hands,
not devices."

He has hands? Or do you think
he's just lying to sound good?

No, I think he has hands.

What?

I can't believe A.J. would defy
me and go straight for desert.

No way he had
seven bites of meat.

No way. Okay. I'm in.

But you and Ryan
have to come, 'cause--

Okay, great.
Double date. Sounds fun.

Okay. Well, just..
Will you excuse me?

I have to put somebody
in a time-out.

Anthony James, how many times
have we had this conversation?

Food is a privilege!

Sometimes, instead of walking
away from a problem

you have to do the opposite

and take it for a walk.

[George whispering]
Not a word.

Daddy Altman?

- Are you abducting our dog?
- What? No. No.

No, I was, uh, I was just
gonna take her for a walk.

Uh...wanna come with?

And I guess I'm just
having a hard time

wrapping my head around
why a loving God

would ask Abraham
or whatever

to sacrifice his,
like, precious son.

I mean, what kind of power trip
must he have been on?

'And also if I do
go down this route'

I already totally got jerked
on the whole bat mitzvah thing.

And in closing, kugel..

Why?

Well, tho-those
are all good questions.

- 'Thank you.'
- Ex-except the last one.

Man, it's so great
to hear what's

going on inside your head.

Yeah.

And also,
I'm failing science.

While George
continued uncovering

the mystery that was Dalia

I was selling Lisa on
the merits of her mystery date.

- Okay, so listen to this.
- Yeah?

Every morning at dawn,
he writes a poem.

And every evening at sunset,
he burns it.

Why?

Because the poem
only belonged to the day.

Wow, I mean, talk about

holding yourself
to a high standard.

- No, I know.
- That's what it's all about.

- Right?
- Totally.

Yeah.

Oh, and I-I-I brought
a copy of his

favorite book so we could
discuss it at dinner.

I'm only six chapters through,
but so far, it's really good.

Great, um, so I guess

I'll just listen to you guys
while you talk about it, or..

Crap.

I totally should have had
you read it.

It's okay.

'I guess just 'cause we've been'

'e-mailing back and forth'

I kind of got sucked in.

Are you falling
for my Internet boyfriend

before I've had a chance to?

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm very happy
with my boyfriend

and you're gonna
be really happy

with my ex-boyfriend.

- Scott Strauss.
- Tessa.

I found an awesome parking spot.

Sorry. We're handicapped, right?

- Right.
- Very.

If a flicker of regret
crossed my mind

it was erased by the time
the first chunk

of cheese-soaked baguette
hit my lips.

Listening to him talk,
I was reminded

of the great
Scott Strauss paradox.

How could someone
who looked so good on paper

and looks so good in person
be such a freakin' bore?

Let's think about that
as we share this cheese.

So I heard you were
journaling in Barcelona?

Barcelona destroyed me.

Nearly destroyed
my whole family.

- I'll never go back there.
- No, I-I know what you mean.

My family stayed at an
all-inclusive in Cancun and..

...it wasn't great.

Although I did like that you
could pay for things with beads.

I have a question. How do you
get your hair so silky?

You have to admit,
it's incredibly silky.

I use jojoba oil
that I hand-squeeze

'from organic jojoba seeds
that I grow'

in a planter that I built
from jojoba husks.

[thinking]
Oh, my God.
Stop saying jojoba.

Jojoba is also
a natural bug repellent.

A lot of people
don't know that.

Uh-uh.

I didn't mean
to sound condescending.

- No, no..
- Just truly..

People don't know that.

Back to your hair,
may I feel it?

I want you to.

Oh-h-h.

[sighs]

Tessa, leave me for him.

- You have to.
- No.

There's no accounting for love

but when you find
the right person, you know it.

[banging]

Lisa! Baby, I miss us!

'Lisa!'

Oh, my God.

Lisa?

Lisa-a-a!

Hey. Where are you going?

Tessa, I'm ver.. I'm sorry.

But I have to get out of here.

This dinner is destroying me.

I'm not gonna find love
in this restaurant. Not tonight.

How do you know?

Because I f-found it once.

And I-I remember
what it felt like

and I, um, I just think

I'm gonna need to learn
to be alone..

...for now.

Unless you wanna sleep over.

Yeah, I'll sleep over.

Okay. Thanks.

[gasp]
Oh, my gosh! Look at Yakult!

She's got a spring
in her step again.

I haven't seen her go that hard
since she was a puppy.

- Really?
- Ugh!

No wonder why I was feeling
body ache

chills, and a loose stool
coming on.

I knew it was either
George Altman

or a parasitic tapeworm.

Oh, wait. I forgot.

Same thing. Burn.

I've been taking the girls
on some walks

spending a little quality time
with the both of them.

And they have
never been happier.

It's true.

And Daddy Altman
lets me walk off the leash.

Yoni, you said dog walking was

poochie propaganda perpetuated
by the poop bag peeps.

Yeah, the truth is, I..

...I don't really know much
about dogs.

So...George was right?

This was just an elaborate ruse
to try to get me back

because you're still
in love with me?

No. He just doesn't want
Daddy Altman to have you.

A-and he wants to stay
in your guest house

because his credit is iffy.

(Yoni)
It is not my fault.

I was living with this chick
that I met at Burning Man.

She was on ecstasy, and

she got a hold of my
PIN number.

Nobody cares, Yoni.

- 'It's time for you to go.'
- 'Wait, wait.'

- Let me stay for 4 to 6 weeks.
- '4 to 6 weeks?'

Can I at least borrow
five bucks for cigarettes?

- No!
- No.

Come on, Yakult.

Let's go play that game
Daddy Altman invented

where I throw a ball
and you bring it back.

What's it called?

Bring it back?

Mm-hmm.

Come on, Yakult.

You know she's
failing science, right?

- What?
- Yeah.

Well, how do you know that?

I talked to her.

She's also toying with the idea

of converting to Judaism.

- Dalia is?
- Yeah.

So what now?

Take the damn dog for a walk

around the block

and do science flash cards
as we go?

Stop for bagels along the way?

Sound like a plan.

No more healers,
dog walkers, or gurus.

From now on, we handle

all our problems ourselves.

So wait.

The dog throws the ball,
and I do what now?

You know what? We might wanna
hire a specialist for this one.