Original subtitles

(Tessa) In high school, there's practically

no limit to the number of things

you can try your hand at.

In a surprise move, I had recently signed up

for liking Ryan Shay.

A year ago, I would've looked over there and thought

what a bunch of dumb jocks.

And now, I look over there and think, "Hey, Ryan."

I think this whole adoption thing

has really helped humanize him.

You know, like when we found out about Dave Thomas.

Suddenly his frozen dairy dessert tasted bittersweet.

Good day, Miss Altman. Keeping it tight, I presume?

What's wrong with you?

I-I didn't know if people at school

were supposed to know about us or not.

- Know what? - About our love.

And how tender it is.

Don't be weird. I don't care.

You hear that, Chatswin?

She doesn't care!

Tessa and I aren't embarrassed

to express how tender our love is.

It's extremely tender!

[all cheering]

Yeah, man.

Congratulations, Tessa.

I had no idea things were so tender

between the two of you.

No one in their wildest dreams

expected you to snag a football player.

It would be like that runner with no legs

winning the Olympics.

- Thanks. - Listen.

You are a football girlfriend now.

And we're going to look past your negativity and smugness

and embrace you, because that's what football girlfriends do.

You can shadow me till you get the hang of it.

Don't worry. You're in good hands.

Amber's trained some of the best football

girlfriends in the field.

You should put that on your college application.

Why would I go to college?

I've already met my future husband.

From now on, before signing up for things

I should remember to read the fine print.

(Dallas) 'Look at that fine print.'

And look at the DPI, George. Just look at it!

This printer is the best thing that's ever happened to me

and I met Garry Shandling.

With this printer, I can finally print

people's dreams come true.

But this isn't my dream, right?

Don't be silly. You're a monarch.

'See how lush and saturated you look, George?'

Even Yakult said you look saturated.

Yes, okay, thank you, Dallas.

This is very sweet. I appreciate it.

Should we start cutting the tabs?

I have to go meet Noah.

- George? - Huh?

What is that?

Oh, that's just some files and stuff.

They don't look like files.

They look like more of my flyers.

Yeah, th-th-that's what I said.

File-ers.

Sometimes my Southern accent comes out

from my semester in Charleston.

- Honey child. - Oh.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

I wanted to have an open mind

about the football girlfriends.

They just made it so damn hard.

This is where we bake the treats

'for the goody bags that we give'

'to our boyfriends on game day.'

'We don't do it for the thank yous'

because they don't say thank you.

We do it because it's tons of fun.

So this is where we do our boyfriends' homework

so they can focus on practice.

So we do this for the thank yous?

Tessa, no. There are no thank yous.

We do this because it helps our guys

to concentrate on victory and over time

their victories will start to feel like your victories.

And that's its own reward. You'll see.

And this is the pep rally nerve center.

Wow!

Looks like..

[sighs] ...a sweatshop.

We call it the devotion pit.

'It's where we make the T-shirts, banners'

and miscellaneous sundries that express our love

loyalty, and allegiance.

So you girls are basically mindless servants

struggling to uphold outdated gender roles?

Now you got it.

And the longer you serve, the louder you cheer. You'll see.

[cell phone ringing]

It's Derek.

Let's go, Derek! Way to dial that phone, baby!

Good phone answer, Joan.

- Thanks. - No.

Derek may have been into it, but some people

find relentless cheer-leading..

Stifling.

You know, to, to me each one of those flyers

might as well say, "I judge you, George Altman.

I judge you for not being successful enough."

Dallas is judgey. She is.

When she met me, I was not a skylight king.

Look, if you're the skylight king

then she's the queen.

Alright, and that, my friends, is what they all want.

They want status. They-they want stability.

Why do you think I became a dentist?

I could've been anything.

Have you ever seen me on the uneven bars?

He's like an eagle...with arms.

And two legs.

And a monkey's face. He's like a monkey.

It doesn't seem fair that they can thrust

these roles upon us.

Forcing us to build miniature cities

in our basements.

I'm building a miniature city in my basement.

- It's actually pretty cool. - 'Okay.'

Forget skylights.

If you could start any business

right now, what would it be?

I'd be in the business of rocking.

Ooh! Bad boy.

I was in a dad band a few years ago.

I played the bass guitar.

Slapped her silly. Named her Rhoda.

I'm a big fan of that TV show.

Loved it. Never missed an episode.

Guys, we're dads, dads who rock.

Why is it..

...we are not rocking out together?

- I don't know. - That's a good question!

Then what say ye?

Dads, shall we redefine who we are

and define who it is we want to be?

Yea, verily, shall we do something

that our partners can't control or dictate?

Shall we call our band Sheila's Pets?

No, Fred. No, we shall not.

That is a terrible name.

Oh.

So how are you and the football girls getting along?

- Great. - I knew you'd hit it off.

Amber's had a really interesting journey.

She always wanted to date Renaldo, our tight end

but she used to be fat.

Then she lost a ton of weight..

...and then they hooked up.

No. Yeah, that's really interesting.

Yeah, it is interesting.

It's interesting and it's inspiring.

Really inspiring.

Yeah, she's... got a great story.

Oh, ah, that reminds me, I'm supposed to give Renaldo

a noogie at 12:45. I'd better go. Shoot.

- Bye. - Bye-bye. Bye.

So wait, did you actually think

that girl's story was interesting?

- Nope. - Right.

So why aren't you being honest with Ryan?

Okay, you know how sometimes I can..

...be a little negative or...smug?

- Preachy at times. - Right.

- Soapboxy. - Okay, Lisa. Yep.

I'm, I'm trying not to do that.

I'm just trying to be supportive.

Interesting.

Well, I guess conformity's a small price to pay

if you wanna date a big, beefy football player.

S-so what, football's a better sport than lacrosse?

Yes, Malik. Ignore him.

Maybe this is what it means to be dating Ryan, right?

You know, some people's physiques lend themselves

more to lacrosse, which-which is a lot harder than it looks.

You are embarrassing yourself, Malik.

No, you are. Fawning over football players?

I'd like to see one of them make a fast break

while maintaining his cradle.

Nobody knows what you're talking about, Malik.

- Should we-- - No, just eat your food.

Don't cause a scene.

Okay, so tonight we're working on the giant paper banner

that the team will run through at the pep rally.

Typically, we work with puffy pens and glitter

but if you wanna try something else...don't.

It's best if you just stick with the puffy pens and glitter.

- Okay. - I love your enthusiasm, Tessa.

[instrumental music]

Alright. You got this?

[chuckles] I've played my fair share of rock band.

I'm talking four stars for Black Hole Sun

on "Expert" brosef.

[drumbeats]

Alright, not bad.

[guitar music]

- Getting funky now. - 'Funky?'

I'm gonna funking funk the funk

out of Rhoda tonight.

Rhoda's a filthy lady.

This is pretty sweet, guys. Pretty sweet.

I have to say, it felt good to finally tell Sheila

I found a deer tick and had to run to urgent care.

Okay, I, I hereby declare the first rehearsal

of Full-On Fatherly Assault

or Fathers of Mass Destrocktion in session!

Yo!

I see, so Sheila's Pets isn't even on the ballot.

No, and-and since we're talking about it

I'm also vetoing the "Chickity China" song from the set list.

- What? - 'Yeah.'

That's not the name of the song

and no one wants to sing it.

Nobody wants to sing about Chinese chicken?

- I don't. - Ne-neither of us do.

♪ Chickity China the Chinese chicken ♪♪

Yes, I'm familiar with it. Still a no.

Sit down. Let's do this. Here we go.

- Is that a frog? - What?

Are you, are you drawing a frog on the banner?

You're not, you're not supposed to.

Oh, I..

...just..

...know how to draw them, so..

Yeah, I would, I would just stick to the letters

because if we draw pictures the players will

stop and look at 'em instead of--

Destroying the artwork we spent all night making?

You seem a little bit on edge.

If you sniff the tip, you can catch a buzz.

Makes the night go faster.

Yeah, I know another way

to make the night go by faster.

Know what it's called?

Going home!

Tessa.

- Keep your voice down. - What's that?

Oh, you think it's dumb we can't draw frogs? I agree!

- I never, I-I never said that. - Come on!

I'm sure there's all sorts of things you girls

wish you could do, but you can't, because you're here.

You know what's better than being here--

There's nothing better. She's drunk.

I smell alcohol on her breath.

Well, it's called..

...going home.

I didn't wanna get on a soapbox, but I am on one.

Girls, your needs are just as important

as football players'.

Look at Stephanie here. She's hungry.

She wants to go out for a slice.

How did she know that?

And you. What's your name?

- I'm Derek's girlfriend. - What is your name, child?

- I wanna say...Joan. - I bet you do.

[clicks tongue] You look like a Joan.

And what about that girl over there

with a bloody Jersey wrapped around her hand?

Shouldn't she be seen by a doctor?

- Sean says it's in my head. - It's not in your head.

You are bleeding from your hand.

She should be in urgent care and we should

all be at home watching TV.

It is 9:30 on a Wednesday night

and there has gotta be something good on.

I'm going home to watch it.

Who's with me?

[guitar music]

♪ Day after day I'm more confused ♪

♪ And I look for the light ♪

♪ Through the pouring rain ♪

♪ You know that's a game ♪

♪ That I hate to lose ♪

♪ And I'm feeling the strain ♪

♪ Yeah ain't it a shame ♪

♪ Oh give me the beat boys ♪

♪ And free my soul ♪

♪ I wanna get lost in your rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ And drift away ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Give me the beat boys ♪

♪ And free my soul ♪

♪ I wanna get lost in Fred's rock 'n' roll ♪

♪ And drift away ♪

♪ Oh ♪♪

Drift away, Freddie! Drift away!

Yeah!

What in blue blazes are you doing?

Uh, Sheila--

Your filthy noise is polluting

the entire neighborhood

particularly the lead vocals.

You're pitchy, George, very pitchy.

But the base was good, right?

- I'm pitchy? - Yeah.

Okay, I'd like to see you do better.

Okay.

"Barracuda." Hit it.

[rock music]

♪ So this ain't the end ♪

♪ I saw you again ♪

♪ Today ♪

♪ I had to turn my heart away ♪

♪ Smiled like the sun ♪

♪ Kisses for everyone ♪

♪ And tales it never fails ♪

♪ You lying so low in the weeds ♪

♪ I bet you gonna ambush me ♪

♪ You'd have me down ♪

♪ Down down down ♪

♪ On my knees ♪

♪ Now wouldn't you barracuda ♪

♪ Oh oh ♪♪

[music continues]

So..

- Sheila's Pets? - No, man.

Th-this is a dad band.

But Sheila is undeniable. You saw her.

Guys...I have been in a lot

of bands in my life, high school punk bands

college alt bands, I was briefly a member

of Five For Fighting before they got big

and I have never in my life

felt the kind of spark... I did tonight.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I think we should

let Sheila in the band.

Oh. Get a hold of yourself, man!

Guys, we could be good!

Do you understand what that means? We could be good!

Not dad-band good, but real-band good.

Look, I joined Fathers of Mass Destrocktion

or I was also thinking Mein Vater Band because..

...we stood for something.

We stood for not hanging out

'with our wives'

and taking back the night.

What about the hanging out

George?

What about the chips and dip?

Guys, I'm sorry.

I think considering I'm the lead singer

and the guitarist, and I started this band

I gotta make the call on this one.

I have to do what's best for Sheila's Pets.

Well..

...then you do it alone.

My friend..

...you do it alone.

Come on, Fred.

Our garage wasn't the only place spirits were down.

And finally, the quarterback

that I would pay a dollar for

the one, the only

Ryan "The Body" Sha-a-ay!

[instrumental music]

Come on, Chatswin.

'Where's your spirit?'

[snoring]

What the hell?

'Where's all the football girlfriends?'

(Tessa) 'Whoo!'

There is very little pep at this rally.

I might have had one of my soapbox incidents.

Yeah, I kinda liberated the girls from their servitude

and unintentionally empowered them.

Mmm. Ryan's gonna kill you.

Who did this? Huh?

Show yourself! It's okay. Get up, boys!

We can win still! We can win.

While I had dashed Ryan's dreams of glory

George had hired some session musicians

and was making his own dreams come true..

...with Sheila.

♪ Hey I want candy ♪

♪ Hoo ♪

Put some stank on it, George. Come on!

♪ Whoo whoo ♪

Alright, let's take five. Let's take five.

Sounds great, guys.

I know rocking's a thirsty business, so I..

Oh! Oh, Sheila.

- We don't take requests. - No.

I just thought George's band was a daddy-only thing.

Isn't that what you told me, daddy?

Well, you know what? It was. Uh, but then..

- The thing is, uh.. - 'George?'

- Yeah? - Tell your piece to hit it.

Sorry. We have a no-yoko policy.

- Okay. - Ah!

Hey.

- We lost the game. - I'm sorry.

No one even got to run through a paper banner made of paper.

I know.

That's everyone's favorite part of football, Tessa.

That's why half of us started playing in the first place.

I mean, how can we beat a team that got to run through paper

when we haven't had the advantage of running

through paper ourselves?

Is it possible you're putting too much importance

on running through paper?

Is it possible that you're crazy?

Look, Ryan, those girls making your banners

they're out there pursuing their own interests.

They're eating pizza and becoming well-rounded people.

Their sole purpose in life cannot be

to worship their boyfriends.

You did this?

I didn't mean to dismantle the system, but, yeah, I did.

And I'm really sorry if you're upset.

I should've known you didn't really wanna

fit in with my friends.

You always have to shake it up.

You always have to make..

...people...think.

I am a thinker, Ryan. I think.

I thought you liked that about me.

Think again, thinker.

Think again.

- Dallas, lemme explain, please. - There's nothing to explain,.

You started your little band with your little friends

so you could avoid doing fun printing jobs with me.

Look, Dallas, now I, I know you

want me to be rich and powerful

and to grow my business into some huge empire

but part of me is unwilling to admit that I am this

and-and not this.

A toilet?

Oh, that was supposed to be Rolling Stone.

But you know what I mean.

George, I will support you whether you wanna be

the skylight king or the King of Leon, whoever the hell he is.

Really? Because you were coming at me so hard with those flyers.

It-it kind of felt like

like you were trying to change me.

I spent $7000 on a printer, George.

Seven thousand dollars!

I sure as hell better use it.

Look..

...sometimes when a woman spends too much money

on something she really doesn't need

she tries to cram it down everyone else's throats

to justify the purchase.

Surely you can understand that.

Well, I'm sorry, Dallas.

I, I guess I was being a little defensive

because Steven was such--

An absolute skid mark on the pristine panties of my soul?

No matter how much money that man had

it wasn't enough to keep me.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Hey. You know what?

Our band does need some flyers.

Now, do you know anyone that has a $7000 printer who could help?

You know I do.

Okay.

What's the name of your band?

Uh..

[school bell ringing]

[instrumental music]

- Interception. - Funny.

Thanks.

I'm really sorry... about yesterday.

It's possible that I overreacted a little bit.

But you made me think.

I didn't want to, but you made me

like you always do, and I think..

...that everyone needs to be cheered for

not just us guys.

So.. Bros?

What's this?

I want you to see how good it feels to run through paper.

I don't wanna run through paper.

I did your thing. Now you're gonna try mine.

I want you to know how good it feels

to have someone rooting for you.

Okay. Fine.

[instrumental music]

Three, two, one!

Go!

[music continues]

I had to admit, it was pretty exhilarating..

...and a little embarrassing.

Whoo!

Crush those numbers, Tessa!

'Destroy that math!'

'Yeah!'

Are all the parks clothing-optional?

Yeah, but I haven't been able to find any nude figurines

at that scale, so..

Okay.

"Chinese Chicken."

And, you, you get to name the band whatever you want.

I don't know, George.

I think it's kind of ruined now.

Yeah, and if you love Sheila so much

why don't you marry her? Please don't.

Look, you have every right to be upset with me

but it's, it's been..

♪ One week since you looked at me ♪

♪ Cocked your head to the side ♪

♪ And said I'm angry ♪

♪ Five days since you laughed at me ♪

♪ Chickity China the Chinese chicken ♪♪

- No, Fred. No. - No, it's too soon.

It's never too soon.

♪ Hot like wasabi when I bust rhymes ♪

♪ Big like LeAnn Rimes because I'm all about value ♪

♪ Bert Kaempfert's got the mad hits you try to match wits ♪

♪ You try to hold me but I bust through ♪

♪ Gonna make a break and take a fake ♪

♪ I'd like a stinkin' achin' shake I like vanilla ♪

♪ It's the finest of the flavors ♪♪