Original subtitles

Eek.

Ugh.

Okay, you can go ahead and rinse.

I've seen all I need to see here.

Your wisdom teeth.

Those puppies need to come out.

But they don't hurt.

It's preventative.

So then wouldn't that be like amputating your arm

so that you don't break it one day?

Who sent you here?

Give me one good reason

to pull four teeth!

Tessa, your dad asked me to assess

whether or not your wisdom teeth needed to come out.

I'm assessing that they do. Now rinse.

Well, I don't really need to rinse after an assessment.

You will rinse, and when I say rinse, you rinse!

(female #1) 'Okay, let's see.'

We can get you in tomorrow morning

on junior secretary's day.

Oh, darn.

I had really big plans

for junior secretary's day.

Just because we do sub-secretarial work

doesn't mean we're subhuman.

You'll have your day tomorrow, Greta.

Stand down.

Here's your reminder card, hon.

We will see you tomorrow.

You may see me tomorrow

if I decide to have the surgery which I haven't yet.

Okay.

Bye, Greta.

And now, salesman of the year for a record five years running

the one, the only, the killer in khakis.

Fred Sha-a-ay!

Whoo!

Whoo! Mm! Mm!

Well, gang, I am off to beautiful

sunny Cranston, Rhode Island.

I don't know why they even bother

with this contest anymore.

They just end up sending you every darn year.

Well, I'll be back Thursday. Group hug.

- Aw. Mmm. - Mmm.

Oh, yeah. That's the stuff. Mm!

Lisa, you may wanna consider using a stronger deodorant.

(Tessa) When something is painfully boring

people say it's like pulling teeth.

To determine the subject of tomorrow's

in-class essay, each pupil will

'have a chance to take a spin'

on the thrilling, say it with me, wheel of..

Topics!

Oral surgery might

be a nice alternative

to whatever in-class essay

the wheel of topics would bring.

Tessa Altman, come on down!

Not medieval armor and weapons.

Please, not medieval armor and weapons.

- Yes. - Oh!

Look at that! "Eleanor of Aquitaine!"

"You're welcome"

quoth the wheel.

Well, here's the thing, Mr. Simpkin.

I'm gonna be out of school tomorrow due to some

emergency oral surgery

I just decided I'm having

so Eleanor of Aquitaine..

...uh, she might just have to wait.

Oh.

- 'It's us.' - 'I see that.'

We were sitting on the couch.

I remember.

Exactly as we are right now.

Well, our love of sitting on

couches has been immortalized.

- I love it. - I hope I'm not rushing things.

But I was just hoping we were at the point of joint decor.

- Is that French for no return? - No, silly.

It just means the point where we can start leaving things

at each other's places.

Ah.

Unless you don't feel like

we're ready for joint decor.

No, we absolutely are.

In fact, I have a funky old washcloth

I was hoping to leave in your guest bath.

See, you're teasing, but I'm trying

to take all this here to the next level.

Oh. Well, thank you, sweetheart.

I will put it in a place of honor. Ahem.

Do you have to be somewhere?

Oh, no, sorry. I-I'm just..

I'm bracing myself for an argument with Tessa.

She's supposed to get her wisdom teeth out tomorrow.

But Noah says she's refusing.

She says it's unnecessary.

Initially, Dalia said the same thing

about collagen treatments, but I got her to come around.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Tessa.

Good luck getting your wisdom teeth out

tomorrow, girl. I'll bring you a milkshake.

Sounds good.

Told you she'd come around.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Da-da da-da da da da ♪♪

I mean, the procedure's costly

but you know where the real money is?

Big Pharma. Mm-hmm.

The guys pushing those habit-forming pain meds.

They get the biggest payday.

Okay, so what made you change your mind?

Eleanor of Aquitaine.

[screeching]

Did you hear that?

[screeching]

Sounds like it's coming from the basement.

[intense music]

Oh, man. That's just great.

Well, look who it is.

Old George Altman doing the walk of shame to his cans.

- Hey, Sheila. - Is that rodent excrement?

Have you brought vermin into Chatswin?

It's-it's okay. Don't worry.

I've already set some humane traps.

[scoffs] Humane traps?

Rats laugh at humane traps, George.

And the only way to silence their laughter

poison gas.

Poison gas? Okay.

I-I won't be using poison gas.

Don't go all wobbly on me now, George.

I recently purchased a case of rat bombs

from Australia on eBay.

Technically, they're illegal here

but they can take out a full-grown wallaby

in under 30 seconds.

Let me go grab you one.

Thank you, Sheila, but no, thank you.

Really. I got this.

I hope so, George

because I will be following up.

This is how the black plague started! More or less!

The next morning, George had a more pressing

crisis to deal with.

One that involved general anesthesia.

[slow motion] How's my girl?

[slow motion] She's great, huh?

Dad.

'Oh. You came for me.'

I love you.

Did anybody follow you here?

What? What is she talking about?

Dad, I'm talking about

the wisdom teeth conspiracy thing.

And I'm not even talking about our government.

I'm talking about...theirs.

Okay, Tessa, sweetheart, you're drooling blood.

Is this reaction to the medication normal?

You know, not really.

Uh, I, you know, I'm 80% certain that she's gonna be okay.

Really? 80%? That's very reassuring. Thank you.

How I come by later, check on her?

Sound good? Hey! Oh, Greta!

How you loving those balloons, huh? Today's your special day.

I cannot stand Greta.

I'm letting her go at the end of the week.

Mm? Come on.

Ask yourself, George.

What is the one thing that we have

that they don't have?

Teeth.

Teeth!

Have you ever seen an alien with teeth?

Well, the alien in the movie "Alien" had huge teeth.

No, I'm talking about real aliens.

Not Hollywood aliens.

- The real guys. - Right.

Get some sleep.

They're here...for our teeth.

[clattering]

[screeching]

Oh, man. We've got a live one.

Alright. Where are you?

[intense music]

[both screaming]

Fred?

What are you doing in my basement

dressed like the Tin Man?

I'm hiding out from Sheila for a couple of days.

Okay. And what's with the getup?

Well, as you know, Sheila and I share a psychic connection.

She's not unlike the all-seeing Eye of Sauron.

This leaden apron prevents her from peering into my soul

and the foil crown scrambles my brain waves

thus retarding Sheila's ability to read my thoughts.

Okay, you need to get out of my basement.

I can't!

Winning the salesman-of-the-year award

is the only thing I do that she's proud of.

And this year you didn't win?

Oh, the shame, George, the shame.

Fred, she's your wife.

She loves you. She'll understand.

Just, just tell her the truth.

Listen to me, George.

At home, Sheila might enjoy a nice house cat

to stroke and fondle and feed from her hand.

But out there in the world, she expects me

to be a lion, red of tooth and claw!

Honestly, George, my nerves are shot!

All I've had to eat today is a can of beans

and a few handfuls of gorp.

Mmm.

Please don't tell Sheila I'm eating carob.

She thinks it's for liberals.

What's that?

This is Tessa's homework

and your opportunity to be alone with her.

And as you can see, I've organized it into folders

and marked it for handy reference with color-coded tabs.

Yeah, I-I don't think Tessa wants me

to bring her this homework..

...in the biblical sense.

Ever since we made out on Christmas..

...I've been giving her some space and she's been taking it.

This is your chance to sweep Tessa off her feet.

Just imagine it.

Poor, sick Tessa

home alone, vulnerable in her bed

and you stroll in carrying

all of this amazing homework

and Tessa, overcome, with trembling hands

bestows upon you the ultimate reward and--

Touches me where the bathing suit covers!

God! No. No!

Why were her hands trembling?

From gratefulness.

Oh. Right. Gratefulness.

[bell ringing]

[gulping]

Young lady, are you sure

that much juice is a good idea?

You'll rot your teeth.

Stay away from me.

I know exactly why you're here.

Look, I'm not proud of what I'm doing

but it's for the best. Trust me.

I don't trust you!

Just wait until my father finds out you've landed.

He knows I've landed, and he's given me

his blessing to be here!

What's this? You've captured their souls?

I won't let you get away with this!

I am already getting away with this!

So you just keep your mouth shut!

Oh, I'll keep it shut!

I'll keep it shut, alright!

You'll never get my teeth!

Oh, yes, I will!

Wait. What?

Whoa! Okay.

Did you do it, George? Did you catch a rat?

Oh. Um...yep.

Caught him in a humane trap.

And then I killed him. So he's, he's dead now.

I gotta go. I'll-I'll see you later.

Several years ago, George

I chaperoned a coed overnight field trip.

In preparation for that event

I memorized the FBI interrogation manual.

- Naturally. - You're flinchy, George.

- What? - You're flinchy.

And you're displaying all the telltale characteristics

of a liar.

You're avoiding eye contact, you're stammering

and you're using your grocery bags

as a physical barrier between us.

Uh, o-o-okay, this is crazy.

I-I-I'm gonna go inside now. Okay? Bye.

Just remember, George.

If you're harboring a rat

that makes you a rat.

Knock, knock, Dr. Werner here

for a little post-op check-in. Oh, boy.

They've come for me.

They know I know.

But I'm glad you're here to see this because you'll understand

the facts more than anybody.

1951, water fluoridation

becomes official US policy.

Hmm! That sounds familiar, Tessa!

Oh, yeah. 'Cause 51 is also in "Area 51."

Break that down further, five plus one equals six!

Six, the number of legs on an insect

the number of points on the star of David

the number of strings on a standard guitar

the number of cans in a six-pack

and the number of flags at a theme park!

Oh, yeah!

When printed three times in a row..

...it's the number of the beast.

I..

I think it's..

...time to start tapering off of these.

Uh..

- Sheila knows. - Fred, she doesn't know.

But you're not supposed to be up here. Get back in the basement.

[knocking on door]

[gasps] Meine fraulein!

Shh!

Okay, no. No. It's, it's not yours.

Go downstairs and stay cool.

Okay.

- Hey. - Hi, daddy.

Here's that shake I promised Tessa.

Can I come see the patient?

You know what? Now's not really a good time.

What? Why not?

Well, I-I'm-I'm just

a little preoccupied

and I think Tessa may be resting.

So we'll talk later, okay?

- Well, I.. - Oh. Thanks for the milkshake.

[instrumental music]

I know I'm in your way, George, and I'm sorry.

But that was a close call today. I need to lay low.

Fred, I can't keep doing this.

I lied to Sheila, I was rude to Dallas

and I've got a kid upstairs that--

Who doesn't need you like I do, George! Not like I do!

[honking]

Oh, no.

- What? - Oh, no.

Oh, God! No, please, Lord!

What is going on?

How could I have been so stupid?

The office thinks I'm home sick!

It's junior secretary's day!

Junior what, now?

It's junior secretary's day, George.

I'm a junior secretary.

I'm not the salesman of the year.

They were gonna let me go, but I convinced them to keep me.

Junior secretary was the only opening they had

so I took it, George. I took it right in the pants!

Oh. So you're a junior secretary?

Yeah, I get the coffee for the lady who gets the coffee.

If Sheila finds out, my marriage is over.

I'll have to live in your basement permanently.

Which is why you have to go across the street

and steal that basket so Sheila doesn't find out

about my secretarial work

and I don't have to live underground

like a Chilean miner!

[sighs]

Now can I get you a coffee?

Only in Chatswin was junior secretary's day

an occasion that warranted gift baskets

balloon towers, and limos full of junior secretaries.

[all cheering]

JSD, 2013, bitches!

[women screaming]

No!

Damn it!

- Oh. - Hey, Ryan.

Mr. Altman. What up?

Oh, nothing. Nothing.

I was just, I was just, um, I was just looking

for the get-well basket that I ordered for Tessa.

And wouldn't you know it, they delivered the darn thing

to the wrong address. Oh, there it is.

Oh, uh, looks like they got

the "Get well" part wrong, too.

- Uh.. - Bummer. Yeah.

I was just gonna bring Tessa her homework as a friend.

Not as someone who's, like, hypnotized by the play

of sunlight on her coppery hair or anything.

Right. Well, of course not. I'm sure she'll be grateful.

That's all I want, actually, is-is her gratefulness.

Well, I'm just gonna pop into your house

and grab that basket, which is mine anyway.

I'm just gonna pop over to your house and grab nothing.

Uh, just gonna deliver

these papers to your daughter is all.

Nothing else.

Be back in 30 minutes for dinner, Ryan!

'I just came back from my riding lesson.'

'Uh, starving!'

[sniffing]

'Fred must have funked up his fleece again.'

[sighs]

[creaking]

[whispering] I'm not stealing.

[whispering] I don't care.

I was finally off the pain killers

and back to my old self.

But my old self

was in a lot of pain.

Fortunately, Ryan had a solution.

There.

That's what I did when I got mouth-checked in lacrosse.

Oh, my God.

Ryan, thank you so much.

That feels so much better.

You look like a bunny.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

By the way, your socks smell a lot better than mine.

- Thanks. - Yeah.

- I wash 'em. - Mm.

You mouth-checked me, too, you know..

...on Christmas.

Ever since you slammed your tongue into mine

I've been thinking about what it meant to you

if anything.

It meant something.

But what?

I don't know. We tried it before.

And...we're total opposites.

That's great, because opposites don't push each other apart.

They-they-they do the other thing.

They attract, Ryan.

Opposites...attract.

I'm super attracted to you even right now.

Your face is puffy, and your gums are bloody

and your lips are dry and lusterless.

Ow.

That must mean something, right?

Don't make me smile. It hurts.

See? I make you smile even when it hurts to smile.

Maybe that means something, too.

Ow.

[instrumental music]

Mission accomplished.

- Your secret is safe. - Oh! Mm.

Thank you, George. Mwah.

- Okay. Okay. - Thank you. Thank you.

Okay. That's enough, Fred. You're welcome.

Ooh, ooh, at least partake in

some delicious smokehouse almonds.

They're my favorite, and you earned them.

- I'm gonna go check on my kid. - Fair enough.

But I can't promise these will wait for you! Ha ha.

- Whoa! - I'm sorry.

Certainly didn't mean to startle you.

Really? 'Cause... kind of seems like you did.

It's just... the door was unlocked

and as neighbors, we're welcome to traipse

in and out of each other's homes, aren't we, George?

I thought so.

I trust you, George. I really do.

And I know you would never lie to me.

Of course not.

So when you told me you had handled

the problem in the basement, I took you at your word.

[chuckles]

Still..

...I just can't shake

the feeling that maybe

just maybe, the problem..

...persists.

And if so..

...then perhaps it's time to use..

...the gas.

(George) "G'die, mate?"

Sheila, no! He won't survive!

[honking]

- 'Fred!' - Fred?

That my wife you got there? I'm gonna need her back.

'Cause I took an early flight home just to see her.

Hi.

Mmm!

Well, don't you look handsome in your riding gear?

I know one pony that needs a ride.

- Well...get in the house. - Mmm.

What makes a good couple work is..

...a complete mystery.

I really like him.

[sighs] But we just don't make sense on paper.

Well, I'm not sure I'm the one to be doling out

relationship advice at the moment.

You see, I mistakenly thought your daddy and I

had entered the joint decor stage--

Hey. Where did you find this?

I found that discarded like a piece of trash in your trash.

Are you kidding? George has been looking everywhere for this.

What? Well, then why, pray tell, would he throw it away?

It's not trash. It's joint decor.

No, he didn't throw it away, Dallas. I did.

I-I thought it was from outer space.

It's been a really weird day.

Oh. Oh!

So this is all your fault.

[sighs] That makes me feel so much better.

- At least one of us does. - Right.

Look, Tessa, I know it isn't easy and believe me

there's no odder couple than me and your dad.

But sometimes there's more to life than what makes

sense on paper.

- Thanks, Dallas. - Sure thing.

And sorry I hijacked the earlier part of the conversation

to be about my love life.

But seriously, you think he's super into me, right?

Ah! It feels good to be home.

- Goodnight, Sheila. - Night, Fred.

- Oh, and, Fred.. - Hmm?

Happy junior secretary's day.