Original subtitles

(Tessa) We're in a perpetual state of transformation.

A caterpillar transforms into a butterfly.

Thanks to a biological process known as metamorphosis.

And George was in the middle of a transformation of his own.

Thanks to a biological process known as dating Dallas Royce.

(Dallas) 'Oh, George, look at you'

emerging from that dressing room

like some kind of beautiful butterfly.

You know, I never thought I could pull the whole

shoulder-draping sweater thing off, but..

...I do. I pull it off.

And by moving the plaid from up top to down low

'you're creating visual intrigue near your quads.'

Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. That's right.

- 'I love it.' - Really, George?

'Cause I don't want you to say you like something

just 'cause I like it.

I want you to be happy.

I-I am happy.

I'm happy because you're happy.

[instrumental music]

He is my snipes in shining armor, y'all.

(Tess) George and Dallas' relationship was on cruise control.

But Lisa and Malik's had flipped over the divider

into oncoming traffic and caused a four-car pileup.

Their breakup was messy.

Lisa.

You're looking well. You-you going to French?

Whether I'm headed to French or into another man's arms

is none of your business.

My class schedule and personal whereabouts

are no longer your concern.

So I guess you don't wanna talk about getting back together?

The only thing I wanna talk about is the safe return

of the scrunchies I left in your mother's car.

There was a cheetah print.

A cheetah print?

[instrumental music]

(Tess) A messy breakup posed no threat to my relationship, luckily.

My tablet and I were still in the honeymoon stage

and let me tell you, the two of us

were made for each other.

My tablet made me laugh.

Made me cry.

And the two of us, we didn't play games with each other

unless you count "Frogger."

[instrumental music]

Hey, Sheila.

Excuse me?

Do I look like a Sheila to you?

- Well, yeah, you do kinda. - Really?

Is it the garden clogs? It's the garden clogs.

- Isn't it? - Or the sun hat.

Okay, but let me tell you something.

There is not an anti-aging cream on the market

that does what a wide-brimmed sun hat can do.

You take heed, Tessa. Your skin is awfully fair.

- Okay. I'll take heed, George. - Mm-hmm.

Can I have that back, please? Thank you.

Now if you need me, I will be spending

my weekend in bed with a scary old man.

Edgar Allan Poe.

You know, you could've just said you were gonna go read.

[intense music]

Howdy.

J-X-5-2-1-3.

J-X-5-2-1-3. J-X-5-2-1-3.

What can I do for you? J-X-5-2-1-3.

Can I help you with something?

'J-X-5-2-1-3.'

Okay. You looking to get wet today, son?

You pulled down the wrong cul-de-sac, girl.

What you got?

What you got?

I got, I got two kids!

George.

Theo. Cyrus.

Hey there, Georgie.

George. That was priceless, buddy.

You ran like a scared little rabbit.

I thought you were gonna slip and fall on your trowel there.

Okay, well, that, that, that's a pruning snip

so joke's on you.

What the heck you guys doing in Chatswin?

Oh, We're putting in a bid for that big job up in Scarsdale.

They're adding a concert hall to that

performing arts building they put up there.

Yeah, gonna be a huge job, Georgie

just a huge job.

That sounds huge.

No, it is, George. It's huge.

Anyway, Theo remembered that you moved to Chatswin, and, uh

since we were so close, we decided to look you up.

Honestly, I hardly recognized you, George.

You're looking very suburban, bro.

Yoo-hoo! George! Yoo-hoo!

Why don't we head inside and crack open a cold one, huh?

We're twins today, George!

Twinsies!

[instrumental music]

Well, I might expect the cold shoulder from other people

but I did not see that coming from my twinsie.

[theme song]

♪ Last night I had ♪

♪ A pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ Na na na na na na na ♪♪

[knocks on door]

Jorge.

(Lisa) 'Tessa? I-I'm sorry.'

'I don't speak Spanish. Are you in there?'

Hey, Lisa.

Hey there, BFF.

Is this a BTFY?

Bad time for you?

Uh, no, I was just enjoying some alone time...alone.

(Lisa) 'Great, since I'm now a totally independent woman'

who doesn't rely on a man for emotional stability

I thought I'd fill every second of my newfound freedom

by spending time with you.

Girl time.

What's with the trunk?

Oh, this is my sleepover trunk.

It has all of my sleepover essentials.

Go ahead. Pop the hood.

[clears throat]

[instrumental music]

Yes, scrapbooking supplies, airbrushing supplies

tie-dying supplies.

What is...this?

Oh, that, my friend, is what I like to call

the piece de re-fish-tance.

A dead fish?

A dead friendship fish.

Oh, I see. And is that a freshwater?

I caught it for us, Tessa, in Friendship Lake

while I was at Macrame camp this summer.

Local camp legend says

that if two people partake in the same friendship fish

then they'll be friends forever.

What do you mean by "Partake"?

Aha! It's your lucky day, gents!

I didn't want to make any promises I couldn't keep

but ta-da, diet grapefruit spritzers.

Truth is, just as refreshing as regular spritzers.

Zero calories.

Forget it. No-brainer.

Mmm!

It's lively.

So, George, what have you been up to

since you left the firm?

You know, other than taking care

of your two kids.

Uh, well, a-actually, it's, it's just the one.

I thought you guys were gonna kill me

and that you'd be more sympathetic if I had two kids.

You know, "I've got two kids!"

Could you shoot?

I-I couldn't.

Anyway, what have I been up to? Uh..

Oh. Installed a handful of, uh, skylights around town.

Installed the hell out of 'em.

In fact it's kinda funny, people around here

uh, started calling me the "Skylight King."

That's not funny.

I'd kick someone's ass if they called me that.

Yeah. No, I did.

I kicked everybody's asses

then I went off and did some other non-skylight..

...related things. Would you mind?

Okay, I am bugging out right now, George.

You're like a different person. Huh?

Suburban life has really domesticated you.

I mean, it-it's like he's a real housewife of Chatswin county.

Don't be silly.

Chatswin's not a county.

[microwave dings]

Look, there might be some

surface differences

between New York George

and Chatswin George

but down deep inside, I am the same old guy.

[instrumental music]

Oh, come on! These are slice and bake.

Just like any tough guy from New York would make.

Whew. Uh, wow.

Speaking of that, man, you know what?

- 'We gotta hit the road.' - Yeah, we got that, uh..

Okay. Hey. Come on.

G-guys, alright, you know what?

Screw these scrumptious, flaky, piping hot pastries.

Let's go grab some real grub, huh?

Some burgers and gin and some kind of real edgy dessert.

You know, some kinda chocolate volcano

just goes straight to your taste buds and..

[imitates explosion]

(Tess) While George was trying to rekindle an old friendship

my BFF was demanding my undivided attention.

Are you sure this is fit for consumption?

Fit for consumption?

It's been smoking for the past month

in my closet.

I borrowed my dad's electric smoker.

He bought it from an in-flight magazine.

Um, before we dig in maybe we should, um..

...work up an appetite first.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

I doubt it.

What she was thinking was two and half hours

of arts and crafts that started with airbrushing t-shirts

and ended with watermelon helmets.

The evening couldn't get any worse.

Okay, now you want to sing "Friends" by Bette Midler

or "One true friend" by Bette Midler?

Uh, you know what, Lisa?

I'm actually feeling kind of tired.

I mean, what time is it?

It's already 6:45.

'Your a low blood sugar'

which means it's time for the you-know-what.

Ye old fish of friends.

- Doesn't it look delicious? - Hmm..

Actually, you know what? You deserve the first bite.

In fact, I'll just feed it to you.

[instrumental music]

[doorbell rings] Doorbell!

You know, when I first moved here, it was hard, I'll admit.

Coming from Manhattan, it was total culture shock, you know?

But I've actually met some pretty genuine people here.

Hey, Georgie boy, what's the skinny?

What is happening-a-ling-a-ding-dong?

What-what-what's going on? What is this?

Well, we heard your New York

friends were in town

so we thought we would bada bing

and that we would forget about it!

Do you, do you know these clowns?

Uh, yes. A-Actually, this is my neighbor Fred.

Vinnie Boombatz, but folks around here call me "Cha-Cha"

on account of me being the best dancer in Chatswin.

Dig?

- Pardon us. - Mm.

Guys?

What, what has gotten into you two?

Look, we just wanted to show your friends

how cool us Chatswinelenos could be

and for some reason, Fred thought that meant

dressing up like a 1950s greaser.

I'll have you know that Vinnie Boombatz was a hit

at last year's "Grease" themed fund-raiser for cystic fibrosis.

We just didn't want you to be embarrassed of us, George.

I'm-I'm sorry, you did

or you didn't want me to be embarrassed?

- Didn't. - Didn't. I..

Yikes.

Dude, I know you're counting down the days

'until Tessa turns 18.'

I mean, once she leaves, you ain't got nothing

keeping you here with Vinnie Boombatz.

Aye!

Well, a-actually, I think--

I mean, the burgers are okay.

But this place is full of phonies.

Fake nose, fake boobs, fake tan, fake hair.

No, I know. Tell me about it.

- And all on one chick. - Yeah.

Oh, that chick.

(Dallas) 'Oh!'

Well, hiya, hunk.

Hi. Guys, this is Dallas, my girlfriend.

Dallas, this is Theo and Cyrus.

- Hi. - We used to work together.

Oh, it's just super, super-duper

meeting some of George's New York friends.

In fact, this might be a double duper

which would make it super-super-duper-duper.

Yeah, well, okay, sweetheart, um, I'm a little worried

they're gonna run out of the chocolate volcanoes.

- Would you? - Ooh! Good call.

I'm on it, cuz. Manhattan, I love it.

Well, she is just super, George.

Mm. No. No. Super-duper.

Okay, so you guys are kidding, but she is.

I don't get it, are, are you dating her

like, ironically--

Oh, no, or, or are you writing some

kind of a long-form humor essay?

Okay, look, you can make fun of my Crescent rolls

and-and my gardening implements and even Vinnie Boombatz.

(Fred) 'Aye!'

But that woman is warm, and she is kind

and she will do anything for the people she cares about.

You guys have been in Chatswin, what, all of three hours?

And-and you have everyone here pegged. You know what?

Why don't you just head back to midtown, where you came from?

(Theo) 'Well, good luck with everything, Skylight King.'

And, hey, if we need a sellout to, uh, put in a roof window

we'll give you a call.

Oh, really? A-a roof window?

Yeah, because that's all they are.

Boom.

Oh! Wow!

As far as I am concerned, nobody exaggerates and distorts

the essence of any person, animal, or object quite

like old Charlie here.

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, perfect, because I actually wanted Charlie

to do a couple of candid shots

like maybe I could be in the background shaving my legs.

No, Lisa, this is something that I have to do alone.

Uh, hello, Mrs. Shay.

This is, Fire Inspector..

...Charmin.

Well, we have received a report

about a possible safety hazard.

I'm so sorry, Tessa.

I know how much this night meant to you!

(Tessa) Part of me felt bad for ratting out Lisa.

Come here, sexy.

But most of me just wanted to get back

to the main man in my life.

Those guys don't take me seriously.

Oop. Sorry, baby. You got chocolate sauce on your head.

Let me tell you something. I went to college with Theo.

I'm twice the architect he is and Cyrus is like

the least creative dude I know.

Then why don't you just out-whatever those losers

on whatever it is they're whatever-ing?

What do you mean?

Undercut their bid on the Scarsdale performing arts center

addition by presenting something more cost-effective

but equally striking aesthetically?

Yeah, George. That's what I said.

[heart beating]

(fish) 'Tessa.'

Hello?

(fish) 'Tessa.'

[intense music]

Friendship, Tessa.

I gave my life for it, and you threw it back!

[screaming]

[laughing]

(Tessa) At that moment, I realized two things.

One, my relationship with electronics

was overshadowing my relationship with Lisa.

And two, I was reading way too much Poe.

[instrumental music]

You know, George, I'm no expert on the subject

but from where I stand you are architecturing

the hell out of those designs.

Oh, just triple the number of ladies' rooms

and you've got yourself a winner.

(Tessa) The next morning, I decided to take the fish's advice

and make things right with Lisa.

I'm not home.

Hey. What is with the outfit?

Got sentenced to roadside cleanup after my mom found out

about the unlicensed smoker in my closet.

About that.

- I'm sorry. - Oh, it's not your fault.

If Fire Inspector Charmin hadn't been so damn good at his job--

No, that's me. I'm Fire Inspector Charmin.

I'm the one who ratted you out.

I'm so sorry, Lisa.

I just didn't want to sing any more Bette Midler songs.

What?

I don't understand.

The divine Miss M has cornered the market

on songs about friendship.

Ask anybody who's ever had a friend.

Look, Lisa, ever since you and Malik hooked up

you and I have been spending a lot less time together

and I'm not mad.

I'm not mad, but I adapted.

I started my own relationship.

You got a lot of nerve showing up here with that e-reader.

It's a tablet, Lisa.

A really versatile tablet..

...with a full-sized USB port

and an integrated kickstand

and a really sizable hard drive.

I get it, I mean, it was there for you when I wasn't

and unlike me, it doesn't just show up

when its boyfriend is out of town.

I'm really happy for you guys.

You look really cute together.

So if you'll excuse me

I have to go pick up tampon

applicators in the park.

Lisa, wait.

There is one thing this tablet can't do.

Pick up tampon applicators in the park?

Okay, two things.

It can't eat friendship fish with its best friend.

Well, not this generation, anyway.

Friends forever.

Friends forever.

[instrumental music]

Wow. That is smoky.

Mmm! That is super smoky.

Mm-hmm.

But not bad.

You can taste the friendship.

(male #1) 'Let's go! Let's go!'

What did this to you?

What-what did you ingest?

Friendship.

[vomiting]

[instrumental music]

Tessa, I'm so sorry.

Apparently, you're only supposed to smoke fish for four hours..

...not four weeks.

It was an innocent mistake, Lisa.

Why didn't you get sick?

Oh, we Shays have iron stomachs.

It's our bodies way of compensating

for our diminished sense of taste.

We still can't get a hold of your dad

and unfortunately, we won't be able to release you

until a family member signs your discharge papers.

You're sure there's no one else we can call?

And finally, a columned subsidiary space

'alongside the body of the main building'

would lead from the atrium to the concert hall.

Well done, Mr. Altman, you've really opened up the space

with your use of skylights.

And I, for one, appreciate the abundance of ladies' rooms.

Oh, thank you, that, that happens to be

my beautiful associate's idea.

Along with the bedazzled borders.

It's amazing how some glue and a few crappy plastic beads

can really class up any project.

- Oh, it's true. It's true. - Mm-hmm.

[instrumental music]

Oh, shoot.

Tessa? Hey. I'm sorry.

Are you okay? I didn't get your messages.

'Are you okay? What happened? Are you okay?'

For the love of God, would you tell me if you're okay?

- I'm okay, George. - Okay.

I just had a mild deadly case of food poisoning.

Ohh.

I don't believe this. I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.

How'd you get home? Sheila?

Well, actually, they wouldn't release me

without a family member's consent, so..

Helen.

Yes, George.

Oh, happy to help out.

The hospital couldn't reach you.

Tessa got a little frantic

and so she called her grandmother.

Well, that's great.

So...thanks.

You don't have to do that. I got it from here, Helen.

Oh, you might as well get used to me being around again George

because this time, I'm not going anywhere.

Great.

When you're in danger of losing

someone you care about

often, you'll do anything

to re-establish a connection.

For Malik, that meant sculpting a bust of Lisa's head.

One for every day they weren't together.

♪ I've been alone with you inside my mind ♪

♪ And in my dreams I've kissed your lips ♪

♪ A thousand times ♪

♪ Hello ♪

♪ Is it me you're looking for ♪♪

(Tessa) For George, it meant focusing less on work

and more on breakfast.

Goodbye.

So you got the bid.

- Nope. - Oh.

- Sorry. - Ah, it's fine.

Considering how little time I had I think

I did a pretty great job.

It just felt good, you know

to get the creative juices flowing again.

And more importantly, Theo and Cyrus didn't get it either

so their failure is victory enough for me.

- That's the spirit. - 'Mm-hmm.'

Honestly, though, Tess..

...I'm not the same person I was.

There was a time when I was..

...completely driven professionally.

But now I guess I have other priorities.

Besides, if I was out competing for every job on the market

I wouldn't have time to make you my famous

sizzling chorizo scrambler.

Seriously, you want?

- Fish frittata? - You're mean.

What? Hair of the dog, that's a thing.

- Oh, fried gizzard sandwich? - Ugh!

(George) 'Egg drop soup, extra droppings.'

'Yeah? One of those.'