Original subtitles

Katie asked me to marry her.

Congratulations.

- Try that on. - Stop fussing, you're not my dad.

I didn't want him seeing it in this state.

I have seen better episodes of Grand Designs.

I was thinking about Ralph's wedding.

Would you like to come?

- Er, well, er… Yeah, that'd be lovely. - Great.

What I am to Ralph when all's said and done?

You just have to grin and bear this, Maurice, because this is Ralph's wedding.

♪ Streets like a jungle ♪

♪ So call the police ♪

♪ Following the herd ♪

♪ Down to Greece ♪

♪ On holiday Love in the '90s ♪

♪ Is paranoid ♪

♪ On sunny beaches ♪

♪ Take your chances ♪

♪ Looking for girls who are boys ♪

♪ Who like boys to be girls ♪

♪ Who do boys like they're girls… ♪

Okay.

♪ Always should be someone… ♪

Now.

- You all right, Joe? - Now I walk.

Really?

Okay.

- You all right, Maurice? - Wee or walk?

Walk.

♪ Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls ♪

♪ Who do boys like they're girls Who do girls like they're boys ♪

♪ Always should be someone ♪

-♪ You really love ♪

- All right, all right! - Oi, oi!

You're not in Spain!

♪ Girls who are boys Who like boys to be girls ♪

♪ Who do boys like they're girls ♪

♪ Who do girls like they're boys ♪

Have you any idea who that pick-up truck belongs to parked outside?

- Yes, I have, as it goes. - Nearly killed me, Paul, and Joe.

Sounding his horn like Bertie Big Bollocks.

I bet he's from Lancaster. Flash so and so.

He's from Kirkby Lonsdale, not Lancaster.

- What? - We've got a visitor.

This is Doug. He's Ralph's dad.

Sorry about the car horn, mucker.

Builder's manners, I'm afraid, and I was worried you hadn't heard me.

- When was this all arranged? - It wasn't.

I was a bag of nerves, to be honest.

Coming here, after all this time.

I never expected I would, and then I got your letter.

I wrote to Doug to tell him that Ralph was getting married

because I thought he had a right to know.

It wasn't an invitation to just drop in.

Well, as I'm here, I'd like to see Ralph.

To congratulate him and maybe meet his fiancée.

And then-- then I'll bugger off.

He's not marrying into money, if that's why you came.

- Louise. - I'd like him to know I care about him.

If you cared about him, you would've rung first.

- Ralph doesn't know you're coming? - Exactly.

So, you toddle off, Doug, and we'll arrange this properly.

- Well, I'm here now, aren't I? - You can't just…

He's not seen you for ten years!

This is the day before his wedding, for God's sake!

- Hi, Mum! - Hiya.

Hello, son!

Oh!

That's a handshake and a half.

What you thinking about United, eh? Or don't we want to go there?

And you must be Katie. Pleased to meet you.

You happy now? The lad's in shock.

I'm sorry, Ralph. I had no idea he was gonna show up like this.

Bit of a surprise, eh?

Okay, right. That's enough, Doug.

- I only wanted to say hello to the lad. - I said that's enough.

Not like this. No. It's not gonna happen like this.

You go away. I will talk to Ralph.

And if he wants to see you, I will call you.

Is that all right with you, Ralph?

I could come back at lunchtime. I'll bring sandwiches!

I'll call you, either way.

I'll see you later, I hope, son.

- I promise you, I had no idea. I'm sorry. - Okay.

And whatever you want to do,

I will back you.

If you want to see him now or after the wedding,

then that's fine with me.

Or… he doesn't need to come back at all.

It's entirely up to you.

He's here now.

Okay.

He's not exactly what I expected.

- Which was what? - Well, in my head,

he was always an aging Sociology teacher

with a pot belly and erectile dysfunction.

- What is he like? - He's about your height,

but he looks like he's looked after himself.

Might even be on nodding terms with a bench press.

It's nice to see that you're capable of the sensitive response

this complex situation requires, Granddad.

Sensitive response?

More like two silverbacks throwing shit at each other.

Ralph's made it very clear that I'm not his dad.

He's already dropped me for the Cup Final

and now I might end up getting a free transfer.

You all right, Champion. You moving out?

I'm ready.

I've told you already, mate. I can't take you today.

I know. I'm ready.

I've got the food to sort out for the wedding tomorrow.

Got Ralph's drinks later.

Rebecca's doing up the Village Hall.

- I know. - I'll take you some other time, okay?

- Farm Park. - Ah.

Sorry, Joe. I've gotta be somewhere.

You're gonna have to come with me to the Fellside, Joe.

You can be a waiter, if you like.

That way, you still get to feed some animals.

- What animals? - Never mind.

♪ She doesn't know What she's feeling inside ♪

♪ She'll never get what she's never had ♪

♪ She wants to leave home But she can't get away ♪

♪ Always on her own every Single day 'cause she's a… ♪

Hey, listen, I've got some good news.

You know your mate, Bill?

He's coming to the wedding.

- Hey? - And Ramesh.

Yeah, yeah. If you like.

Yeah, Bill and Ramesh, always together.

So, 'cause, you know, Bill's coming.

his mum's gonna come, too, Sarah.

You like Bill's mum, Sarah, don't you?

She's nice, isn't she?

She's kind and, and, and funny.

- Uh… - Big eyes.

Yeah. Has she?

Oh, yeah. I suppose she does have big eyes.

Yeah.

Great. Good.

Okay. To business.

What do you do for a living, Katie?

I work at a bakery.

Oh. Not just a pretty face that attracted you then, Ralph?

Free donuts for life.

Sorry I'm late.

What do you do?

- I'm a builder. - What do you build?

Mm. Well, I just built my own house.

Well, it's nothing, really. It's, It's, uh…

It's only Lego for grown-ups.

I know that makes me sound like a bit of a big head,

but, um… well, you know what it's like, Ralph,

you know, building something from scratch.

Like you and your brewery in the shed there.

Well, you know, not quite from scratch, I give him a lift with the equipment.

But he's done well.

Right.

I wouldn't mind a tour after this, if you fancy.

Goats.

Cows.

Chickens.

Goats.

Cows. Chickens.

Goats. Cows.

Joe.

- Chickens. - Joe.

Right. Um, the cake plates, they're still in the dishwasher.

The dinner plates are by the door.

Tom, wine can go now, if you can.

Uh, Joe, Joe, Joe.

- You can leave that now. Eh? - Cows…

- Chickens. - It's not the Farm Park still?

Goats.

He'll get over it. Um…

- Right. - Goats.

Sarah! Hey!

- It's, um, Sarah! - Hello.

Hi, there.

I know you're busy, but, um, I was just passing by,

I thought I'd ask about dress code. For Ralph's wedding.

Yeah, well, it says "Come as you are" on the invite.

- I don't know what that is. - I can take him.

Huh?

I can take Joe to the Farm Park.

When I'm finished here.

Joe wants to go to the Farm Park.

That's, uh… very kind of you, yeah.

But you can't be taking Joe out in your free time.

I don't mind. I love the Farm Park.

Well, that's, that's, that's a lovely offer.

Thank you. Let me… Let me think about it.

Aww.

What a nice young man.

- What? - You should let him take him.

Shouldn't he, Sarah?

- Oh, well, - No, no, no. I mean, he's…

I like Mark… but trusting Joe with Mark…

Joe will be Mark's age one day.

- And… - And when Joe is Mark's age,

wouldn't you want someone to trust him?

- I think Rebecca has a point. - Really?

- Mm-hmm. - Great.

Now we've all confirmed our liberal credentials,

can we get back to sprinkling some stardust on the Village Hall?

Text us some photos of the animals if you do go, Mark.

Goats. Cows. Chickens.

You didn't mean all that, did you? About Rebecca having a point.

I mean, would you let Mark take Bill on a day out?

Well, maybe not a year ago, but, um…

Well, let's just say I'm getting a bit more relaxed these days.

But Mark seems very responsible.

And all turtles need to cross the beach to the sea one day.

Wow!

This is something!

- Don't touch anything. - No.

No, of course. Yeah.

Well…

- Thank you for letting me see this. - It's all right.

Look, I, I, uh…

I might not get another chance to say this so…

- I'm sorry. - What for?

You know, like…

I'm sorry it didn't work out between me and your mum.

I mean, these things happen, but…

I should never have left you to handle it on your lonesome.

I thought it'd be easier if I left but…

I should've stayed in touch.

Yeah. You should.

Go on.

Ask him.

Joe?

You know how you really want to go to the Farm Park?

- Goats. Cows. Chickens. - Exactly.

Well… Mark, over there…

has got a free afternoon,

and he said that he'd really like to take you.

And if that's okay with you…

then that's okay with me.

That's okay with me.

Oh, great.

That's great, then.

That's settled.

Hey.

Great.

A good decision. Well made.

"Just chill," as Bill would say after a day with his dad's new partner.

Yeah, no. You're right.

Sorry I wasn't much help on the dress code.

- What? - You came to see me about the dress code.

Mm.

So, that was just an alibi.

I wanted to give you a chance to… uninvite me.

Why would I do that?

So, you definitely want me to come?

Mark, why don't you and Joe make a list of all the things

you're gonna do at the Farm Park?

- Like an itinerary? - Yep. Just like that.

Um…

If you'd like to come, then, yes, I would like that very much.

Mm. Right.

I promise I won't get drunk and disgrace myself.

Really? I'd be disappointed if you don't.

Right.

Well, till tomorrow!

That's an awkward wave.

And exit.

Can we just forget that that bit ever happened?

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Thanks for that. It went all right, I think.

- Do you think? - It was fine, yes.

Look, I-- I don't want to be pushy, but I could stick around if you like,

even come to the wedding if Ralph wanted me there.

This is the most important week of his life.

Don't you think you've put him through enough?

No more surprise appearances.

Okay.

Fair enough. No, you're… You're probably right.

- Nice to meet you, Maurice. - And you.

I will not let him break that lad's heart a second time.

Well, I don't exactly want him hanging around either, but--

Good. Then we're in agreement.

He's been. He's done his bit. Mea culpa. Let's keep it that way.

Right, I'm off to get the hall ready, and you've got a stag do to attend.

Right. Drinks are on the house, lads.

Lager, bitter, IPA, prosecco, cheeky little scotch, if you like.

- Lager, please. - Right. And what about you, Josh?

- He'll have the same. - Right.

- Two lagers. Okay. - Halves.

Very sensible. Don't want to go mad early on.

Bar snack menu, we have got nachos, Thai fishcakes, veggie kebab,

beer-battered calamari, mwah!

Nachos.

- Nachos for Ralph. - What about the best man?

- The same. - Right.

Two lagers, two nachos coming up.

How's it going?

Any quieter and they'd be on the vegan menu.

I have the plan.

And the destination.

And the bus timetable.

Great.

Now, remember, safety-first hats on.

We don't have hats.

Metaphorical safety-first hats.

You just have to trust me, Paul.

No, I do trust you. Which bus are you getting?

If you trust me, you wouldn't ask that.

No, I just, just really like buses.

Mm.

Like hearing about good bus routes and stops, times,

departures that kinda things.

- You aren't interested in buses. - What if you lose your money?

- I have emergency money. - What if you get on the wrong bus?

I won't get on the wrong bus if I lose my money

because I won't be able to pay for the bus,

so if I lose my money, we will walk home.

Okay. Okay. Okay. I just, I know, I know. I…

I know.

Have a great time.

Go, go, go.

Go on, before you miss the bus.

We won't miss the bus.

Wait! Wait!

Packed lunches. See?

You forgot them.

I didn't. You forgot to give them to us.

Joe.

Mark. My number's in your phone.

Who's the brains of the operation? Winnie the Pooh or Piglet?

Oh? That was quick.

- Oh. - Maurice.

Doug.

Okay.

I was invited, in case you were wondering.

- Ralph messaged me. Didn't you, Ralph? - Yeah.

Right.

Goats first. Then Pigs.

Crisps.

Donkeys.

Ice lolly.

Goats.

Crisps. Pigs.

Ice lolly.

Donkeys. Drink.

Chickens.

So, how is your best man's speech coming on then, Josh?

He wants you to read it out.

Me? Really? Thanks.

I'll do a good job.

- Josh doesn't say much. - Oh, right, I see.

Strong and silent.

Do you remember when you went through that non-talking phase?

No.

He hadn't talked for three weeks, Maurice

and his mum said on a Friday if he didn't start talking again,

she'd take him back to the speech therapist

- first thing Monday morning. - Why weren't you talking?

He held out till Sunday night, and then he started again.

I mean, proper, full sentences.

- You didn't. - I did.

He only wanted Cup Final tickets,

and he thought if he held out, I'd get them in!

His mum was having none of it, though.

She won that one, didn't she, Ralph? Power played you, son.

- She did. - We still got to the Cup Final, though,

- didn't we, eh?? - Three-oh, Millwall.

Ronaldo and van Nistelrooy. Happy days!

Happy days.

- Have you heard anything? - No.

That's good, isn't it? Means they're having a good time.

Yeah. Yeah. That'll be it.

Boom-boom-boom. Let me hear you say Keano!

Keano!

What?

Nothing. I'm just hoping for a photo from Mark at the Farm Park.

Right. 'Cause a snap of Mark's thumb and half a pig

is really important compared with turning this place into a Theater of Love.

- Flowers? - Delivered.

Arranging in the morning.

- Crockery? - Present and correct.

What's that say? Trousers?

- What? - Trousers.

Trousers! What time is it?

Oh, can you hold the fort?

Ralph's trousers are being altered. I forgot.

I need to get there before they close.

♪ Go the whole wide world ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world Just to find her ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world To find her where they hide her ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world Just to find her ♪

Get me good side, Josh.

- Very nice. - Ah, great.

You can send me a copy if you like, mate.

Um, sorry to interrupt your stag do, Ralph,

but I need to pick up your suit trousers and I need you with me to try them on.

- What, right now? - Yes.

The shop closes in half an hour. I'm sorry.

You don't have to come if you don't want to, Josh.

- Fair enough. - See you.

Yeah.

See you, son.

All the best for tomorrow. Have a great day, yeah.

And, um… See you soon.

Fancy a coffee?

Yeah, why not?

Paul, when you finish checking your phone can we have two coffees here, please?

Richard, two coffees, table six. Just nipping out.

♪ Just to find her ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world ♪

♪ I'd go the whole wide world To find out where they hide her ♪

Sorry I put you in the doghouse with Louise.

You didn't. She's just protective of Ralph, and I can't say I blame her.

You seem all right for a builder.

She's just frightened you'll disappear again.

- Like last time. - Like last time?

That's what she told you happened, is it?

She's always said that, in the end,

you couldn't cope with Ralph having Downs Syndrome.

Once he became a teenager. Why?

- Are you saying something different? - No.

No, that's sort of true.

But I think I just… I couldn't really cope with being cut out.

I… I was disappointed that my lad was how he was.

I won't deny that.

Frustrated.

And Louise saw that in me, and that became all she ever saw.

She clung to Ralph.

Suddenly, I was on the outside.

I mean, you, you must know what she's like when she circles the emotional wagons.

The tighter she and Ralph got, the more I resented being on the outside

which made her close down even more.

I mean… it didn't give me anywhere else to go, mate.

Well, you did go.

You went, and you never looked back.

I just felt like

once me and Louise had decided I should leave,

it… it would only confuse Ralph if I kept turning up,

you know, give him hope that we were gonna get back together.

I promise you, I thought it made it easier for him, and Louise.

I realize now it just made it easier for me.

And I want to put that right.

I really do.

Hi, Mark. It's Paul. Another message, I know.

Um, just give me a call as soon as you get this, okay?

Okay.

Hey, Rebecca. Um…

Yeah. Just let me know as soon as you hear anything.

Yeah, I know, I know. I know you are, all right.

Okay, bye-bye.

Sarah?

Ah, Paul. Hi.

Um…

- Have you heard from them? - Uh, no.

What are you doing here?

Well, I, I just wanted to check they got here safely.

- What about you? - The same.

What happened to the spirit of freedom and turtles on the beach?

I was just saying that to stop you worrying.

- Most turtles get eaten by gulls. - Well, great.

- Hopefully, that's not going to happen. - No.

They're obviously lost.

The woman at the entrance said that they haven't been in.

I know. I asked her. Do you trust her?

Because I was speaking to her for a good ten minutes, I swear she wasn't listening.

Well, she's hardly likely to forget Mark and Joe, is she?

Just…

Can you wait here, see if they turn up? I'm gonna retrace their route.

Of course, of course. What was I thinking, telling you to relax?

I was just trying to impress you.

Come over all laid-back and adventurous, like Davina McCall or something.

Huh?

I overdid the Rescue Remedy before I came to see you.

I shouldn't really be driving, if the truth be told.

I'm so sorry. I will stay here and will keep watch.

I'm sure it'll be fine. But thank you.

Oh! I have binoculars in the car.

- Great stuff. - And a flare!

Maybe try and phone first, yeah?

Good idea.

I used to like circle bread.

Circle bread.

Circle bread was what I called it.

When I didn't know bagel.

But that was in the past, not the future.

- Pizza is a circle. - It is.

But not circle bread.

Do you know any songs?

Yes.

Definitely.

Several.

Hiya.

Is Ralph in?

He's in the shed, if you want to talk to him.

No. It'll wait. Just Doug wanted to wish him all the best for tomorrow.

Did he?

Good. Hopefully, he won't be back.

Well, I think he will be back.

I think he means it about wanting to be involved in Ralph's life again.

And you discussed this over your calamari, did you?

You've fallen for him hook, line, and sinker.

- No. I'm just saying-- - He doesn't get

to just pick and choose when he's involved with Ralph.

Well, he didn't exactly get to pick and choose last time, did he?

What?

- What's that supposed to mean? - Nothing.

- What's he told you? - His side, that's all.

"His side"? And what's that?

He just told me why he left. And it doesn't excuse what he did.

But he wanted to explain how he felt at the time.

And how many pints had he bought you at this stage?

Outside of things. He said something about wagons. I can't remember.

- It sounded better when he said it. - Wagons?

The gist of it was that you and Ralph were tight.

I'm just telling you his side.

He doesn't get to have a side.

Clearly not.

The last time I looked, you were upset

because Ralph had reminded you you're not his dad.

Now you're cozying up to the dad who walked out on him!

I'm just telling you what he said. That's all.

He's played you. That's what he does.

And you fell for it.

Doug's gone. You've got what you wanted.

I'm just not sure it's what Ralph wanted.

What'd you go for?

Four bitter and four IPA.

What about a box of novelty stout? Just for the dads?

Help yourself.

I don't know what you heard from the house.

Just a bit of a misunderstanding.

About Doug.

About Doug, yeah.

I liked him. I'm sorry.

I liked him too, mate.

And he's your dad.

Yeah. I know that.

I can't swim. Can you swim?

I don't know.

But I'm strong.

I have to be in life.

You are a giant.

In the Army, that I didn't get into,

although it is in the past and forgotten about,

you have to carry weights and walk for yards and yards and yards.

And yards and yards.

It was to see if you were strong enough to get in the army.

Did we have crisps?

But when you don't get in, it's called a setback.

And your mum tells you to bounce back.

And then you get over it, and it's in past and not the present or the future and…

Paul?

- Yeah? - I know you're there.

I don't think it's appropriate to be in the hall.

- It's not good manners. - Sorry!

You just both seemed to be getting on so well.

- How were the animals? - We didn't see the animals.

- The buses stopped us. - The buses?

When the first bus came, it wasn't the bus that the timetable said.

- Oh, it was the wrong bus? - The bus number was the same,

but it came at the time that it didn't say on the timetable.

So we didn't get on it.

Right.

We didn't mean to eat our sandwiches did we?

That's Joe's way of saying we ate our sandwiches.

So, the next bus didn't come?

No.

Because it had come before.

So, it was the right bus.

Yes.

For somebody, it was the right bus.

Tell you what, lads, gonna leave you to it.

We'll be outside if you need us.

We'll be inside if you need us.

At what stage did you think you were gonna go and check up on them?

The moment they left.

First lesson of parenting, give your kids the freedom they need

and worry yourself to death.

- Is that what it's like? - Ugh! All the time.

Are you ready for that?

I'm hoping for a bit of joy.

You always talk about the worry. You never talk much about the joy.

Don't I?

Well, I should.

And I'll start. Sorry.

There is joy.

First 11 years, in your case.

I know it's not ideal, but…

I didn't come from an ideal family, did I?

- We managed, didn't we? - Yeah, we did.

And Granddad said he's happy having a baby around,

so at least I'll have a roof over my head.

Maurice? Why?

- Are you planning to carry on living here? - To begin with, yeah.

There'll be more room when you and Joe move out.

And my dad said he'll lend me a deposit for a flat.

Is that what you want?

Don't have much choice.

♪ Have you noticed I've never been impressed ♪

♪ By your friends From New York and London ♪

♪ I'll level accusations like the press ♪

♪ Till you realize… ♪

♪ Because the man's needs man's needs ♪

♪ Are full of greed, are full of greed ♪

When you hand out the flowers, it's one for each man, yeah?

Ramesh will be on the other side doing the same thing.

Look at this for a family of Bobby Dazzlers.

- Ah. New suit? - Yeah. It was overdue.

Anyone'd think you were making an effort for someone.

I am. For my wonderful family.

Actually, could you take Joe?

I'll be along in a bit. There's something I need to do.

You gonna tell me what?

Mm, no.

Can you do that?

Is this about Sarah?

No.

Why would it be about Sarah?

Go on.

Go on!

Ralph! I'm home, but we need to get a move on.

Maurice, are you suited and booted?

What are you doing here?

I just asked around for the flash bastard who built his own house.

Not many self-builds in, uh, Kirkby Lonsdale.

No, I mean… what are you doing here?

No, I… I'm not sure about this any more.

I can't see how it's gonna play out.

You deserve to be there, and you said you wanted to come.

- And Ralph wants you there. - But Louise doesn't!

You turn up with me,

she'll have our bollocks hanging off the wedding cake!

Listen, where you went wrong with Louise

is in not realizing that sometimes you have to get through those defenses

and not give up.

She didn't want me involved when she had chemo,

but I battered me way through there and just stayed.

- She was grateful in the end. - Chemo?

When was she having chemo?

You didn't know she'd had cancer? Did nobody tell you?

Are his trousers all right?

I said an inch and a half, and I'm sure they've taken two.

- Mum, it's fine. - They're a perfect fit, Louise.

He looks very handsome, indeed.

- They both do. - They do.

They do.

So you can relax and start to enjoy yourself.

I could…

if I had a clue where Captain Chaos was.

If you could not let on that you know about Louise's cancer at the wedding

or anytime in the near future ever, that would be great.

- I'll be the soul of discretion. - Great. Thanks.

It wasn't my place.

- Nice suit. - Italian. Tailor-made.

- 'Course it fucking is. - What?

We're gonna be late.

Then she really will have our clacker bags for decorations.

Could you go and find Joe and hand these out?

I'll tell the guests to be careful with the pins.

We don't want any casualties.

Good thinking.

Hi, I'm so glad to be here, Louise.

It seems like only yesterday that Ralph was the school lollipop man.

Yes, it does.

- Oh, thank you. - Thank you.

- Come on. - Oh, sorry.

Louise, we're really gonna have to make a start soon.

I know, I know, but he says he's really close.

All right.

Come on, Maurice.

Hello.

- Why are we whispering? - I don't know.

All right?

You scrub up well.

I thought I'd crack open the Body Shop gift set

Bill got me for Mother's Day.

- Imperial Leather. - Ooh.

You all right?

We're just gonna have to do it.

Okay? You ready?

Sorry, everybody. Sorry.

Sorry.

Ready?

♪ This thing called love ♪

♪ I just can't handle it ♪

♪ This thing called love ♪

♪ I must get 'round to it ♪

♪ I ain't ready ♪

♪ Crazy little thing called love ♪

- ♪ This thing ♪ - ♪ This thing ♪

- ♪ Called love ♪ - ♪ Called love ♪

- ♪ It cries ♪ - ♪ Like a baby ♪

♪ In a cradle all night ♪

- ♪ It swings ♪ - ♪ Woo-woo ♪

- ♪ It jives ♪ - ♪ Woo-woo ♪

- ♪ It shakes all over like a jellyfish ♪ - ♪ Ooh, jellyfish ♪

♪ I kinda like it ♪

♪ Crazy little thing called love ♪

♪ Glory, glory, Man United ♪

♪ As the reds go marching on, on, on ♪

Are you, Ralph Wilson, free, lawfully to marry Katie Jane Thorne?

I am.

So far so good.

Are you, Katie Jane Thorne, free, lawfully,

- to marry Ralph Wilson? - I am.

Ralph and Katie, if you could face each other now.

And repeat after me, Ralph.

I, Ralph Wilson…

…take you, Katie Jane Thorne…

…to be my wedded wife.

Now you, Katie, repeat after me.

I, Katie Jane Thorne…

…take you, Ralph Wilson…

…to be my wedded husband.

Now, Ralph, you place the ring on Katie's finger.

And say out loud the promises you are making to her.

I promise to help you with everything.

I promise to love you when it's good and when it's bad.

I promise to be kind,

and I promise to stay with you for the rest of my life.

Well done, Ralph. Now you, Katie.

Place the ring on Ralph's finger.

That's it.

And say out loud the promises you are making to him.

I promise to have fun with you.

To laugh at your jokes if you laugh at mine.

To cheer you up if you are sad.

I promise to help you…

and let you help me too.

I promise to be ready with a hug at all times.

I promise to love you and be your best friend forever.

Katie and Ralph, it is a pleasure and a delight

to tell you that you are both husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

♪ You don't know what it's like ♪

Whoa!

♪ Baby, you don't know what it's like ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ To love somebody ♪

♪ The way I love you ♪

I just wanted to say thank you.

For bringing Doug.

You were right. For once.

Right. Thanks.

That was me letting you off the hook, Maurice.

- You could at least look happy about it. - Oh, I am, yeah.

You all right?

You okay?

Silence, everyone, for the best man's speech!

- What are you doing? - Uh, Josh, uh…

wants me to read his speech out for him.

"I have known Ralph since we met on the first day of school."

"I had issues in those days and punched him in the face at playtime."

It's true. He did.

"But things have got better since then."

"And they got better because Ralph looks out for me,

and I look out for him."

"Ralph has many good points and skills."

"He is a good dancer but also thinks he is a good footballer,

and today is the day to tell him he is not."

"I have been lying all this time."

"But one thing Ralph is, is the best mate anyone can have."

"And the best son any mum could want."

"And he will be the best husband, too."

"Can we all raise a glass to Ralph and Katie?"

Ralph and Katie!

Well done, son. That was great.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentleman, please clear the dance floor,

as the lovely bride and lovely groom have the first dance.

"Ooh!"

♪ We'll be singin' when we're winnin' ♪

♪ We'll be singin' ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ Pissing the night away ♪

♪ He drinks a whiskey drink He drinks a vodka drink ♪

♪ He drinks a lager drink He drinks a cider drink ♪

♪ He sings the songs That remind him of the good times ♪

♪ He sings the songs That remind of the better times ♪

♪ Oh, Danny Boy ♪

♪ Danny Boy ♪

- Are you coming, you two? - Give us a minute.

♪ But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

♪ I get knocked down But I get up again ♪

♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪

Thanks for not chucking me out.

Maurice persuaded me to come.

I think he was right, and I was wrong.

I'm glad you're here.

Virtually kidnapped me, if I'm honest.

He's a hard man to say no to.

♪ He sings the songs That remind him of the good times ♪

♪ He sings the songs That remind him of the better times ♪

He told me you'd had cancer.

Well, I'm dropping him in it, telling you, but…

you should have told me, when you found out.

- I could've helped. - That's exactly why I didn't tell you.

Because I didn't want you sweeping in and taking over Ralph.

How could I have done that? The lad adores you.

Chemo does funny things to your head.

I fell for that lumbering fool under the influence, for starters.

I've seen pantomime horses move better.

♪ I just can't get you out of my head ♪

♪ Boy, your lovin' is all I think about ♪

♪ I just can't get you out of my head ♪

♪ Boy it's more Than I dare to think about ♪

♪ La, la, la, la-la-la-la ♪

Do you dance, Paul?

It has been known.

♪ I just can't get you out of my head ♪

Mm.

♪ Boy, your lovin' is all I think about ♪

Oh! No, Bill! Wait!

Sorry.

♪ Boy, its more than I dare to think about ♪

♪ Every night… ♪

♪ Karma, karma, karma, karma Karma chameleon ♪

♪ You come and go ♪

Is Maurice going to die soon?

He's come close a couple of times today but not soon, no.

As long as he behaves himself.

Maurice will help you when I move out.

Yes. Yes, he will.

But he isn't me.

No.

He's not you.

I'll still help you, now I'm married.

♪ When we cling, our love is strong ♪

I should bloody well think so.

♪ When you go ♪

♪ You're gone forever ♪

♪ Loving you, loving you ♪

♪ Tragedy ♪

♪ When the feeling's gone And you can't go on ♪

♪ It's tragedy ♪

♪ When the morning cries And you don't know why ♪

♪ It's hard to bear ♪

I was tempted to leave you here on the dance floor,

dying on your arse for an hour.

- I like a dance. - No, you don't.

You dance like you've got too much change in your pockets.

♪ It's tragedy ♪

♪ When the morning cries And you don't know why ♪

♪ It's hard to bear ♪

- I might have told Doug about your cancer. - I know. He told me.

- I'm sorry. I thought… - You're a liability, Maurice!

But it's okay.

You're my liability.

Whoa. Look at you! Doing a Take That!

Which one? Gary or Howard?

- Mm… - All of them.

♪ Put your left arm in Your left arm out… ♪

Shall we get out of here before the conga starts?

♪ You do the hokey cokey And you turn around ♪

♪ That's what it's all… ♪

♪ Hokey, hokey cokey ♪

I didn't have you down as such a smooth operator, Paul.

Well, I think you're the only person in the world

who could say I was a smooth operator.

I'm glad you didn't uninvite me.

I'm glad you came.

I do feel I have a connection to Ralph anyway,

because I was very supportive

when he first became the school lollipop man.

- I know, I'm glad. - Though there was

a lot of resistance to the idea. Unspoken.

How'd you know there was resistance if it was unspoken?

Oh. Playground mafia.

Oh.

Looks, smiles, frowns, narrow eyes, and whispers.

Oh, do that bit again,

the narrow eyes and whispers bit.

I can't do impersonations to order, Paul.

I lost all feeling down one side at Christmas due to charades.

I think I may have ruined the moment.

No, you haven't.

Mrs. Bill's Mum, Mr. Joe's Dad, Bill needs his inhaler.

If he's been experimenting with the helium balloons,

- you need to tell me now, Ramesh! - No. I think it's mainly panic.

He started hyperventilating during the Hokey Cokey.

♪ You've got your hips Swinging out of bounds ♪

He seems fine now, Ramesh.

I told him to breathe into a paper bag. It seems to have done the trick.

♪ That's right, that's right That's right, that's right ♪

I should never have left him on his own.

Behaving like a giddy teenager.

These things happen.

Thanks for inviting me, Paul.

It's always nice to escape yourself for a bit.

♪ Your tiger feet ♪

Is that you talking, or the Rescue Remedy?

♪ All right, that's right That's right, that's right ♪

♪ That's right I really love your tiger light ♪

♪ That's neat, that's neat, that's neat ♪

You okay? You bearing up?

Yeah.

♪ Your tiger feet ♪

What is it?

Those two.

I was just wondering what it was like to be so certain about your future.

♪ You've been laying it down ♪

♪ You've got your hips swinging Out of bounds ♪

Come on.

There's something you should see.

♪ All right, that's right, That's right, that's right ♪

♪ That's right I really love your tiger light ♪

♪ That's neat, that's neat, that's neat ♪

♪ That's neat I really love your tiger feet ♪

♪ I really love your… ♪

Are we allowed to do this?

What, go into our own house?

Uh, yeah. I think the law is on our side.

No, I mean sneak out of a wedding.

I thought we were coming to see Joe's room.

Oh. Well…

Thanks, mate.

Me and Joe thought we were coming to look at your room.

- My room? - Yeah.

If you want it.

I was thinking room for a bed there,

cot, wardrobe, maybe.

When did you decide this?

It were always gonna be yours.

I wanted to surprise you,

but then you started talking about having to stay living at Maurice's,

and I thought, "Oh. Maybe I better finish it."

Put you out of your misery.

There's always gonna be a place for you here, if you want it.

I'd assumed you'd know that.

You don't have to take it.

But it'll always be here.

Is it okay with you if me and the new friend live here?

That's okay with me.

That's okay with me.

- Oh, thanks, Dad! - Hey.

Thanks, Joe. Come here.

♪ I've waited hours for this I've made myself so sick ♪

♪ I wish I'd stayed asleep today… ♪

Do you wanna try one?

Go on, then.

This is the best champagne I've ever tasted.

I know.

It's got a malty depth, but it never forgets

that its citrus undertones are what makes it stand out

- from the IPA crowd. - Shut up, Maurice.

Sorry.

I'm a bit overexcited.

- But it's my wedding day. - Mm.

I know.

- Thank you for saying Josh's speech. - Pleasure.

- And for today. - Well, you know…

And Doug. Thank you for bringing him.

He's your dad. He should be here.

You're not my dad.

I know that, son. I know.

You're better.

I don't think I'll tell anybody else that you said that.

No, you won't.

Everything's under control. I know it's a big day for you.

Probably the biggest of your life since you actually had Ralph.

- I'm moving in with Louise. - Right.

This arrangement is not working out, is it?

Maybe I need to feel that there's something more.

- We're okay, aren't we? - I-- I don't think we are.

I'm not sure if Sarah's a friend or…

something more.

Joe's friend is what Joe and I call the baby I am having.

I think the baby's coming, okay? Do you understand?

- The friend. - Yeah, the friend. The friend's coming.