All language subtitles for Taskmaster - s18e06 - A Dance as Old as Time Itself

This programme contains
strong language and adult humour

GREG SIGHS: Ah.

Oh!

SCREAMS: Whoa!

SCREAMS

SQUEAKING: Mim, nim, nim, nim.

Oh, you're useless at this.

SCREAMS: Ah!

Prrp.

Ooh!

Urgh!

Hello!

Thank you.

Welcome to Taskmaster.

The buckshot in the blunderbuss of
entertainment.

Let's see if we can't fire our
contestants into

the farmer's bottom of laughs.

Here they are.

They're Andy Zaltzman...

..Babatunde Aleshe...

..Emma Sidi...

..Jack Dee...

..and Rosie Jones.

And next to me a man who believes
that anyone over

the age of 70 should have their
driving licences revoked.

As he puts it, if you can't get a bit
of shortbread into your gob

you shouldn't be reverse parking.

OLD LADY-STYLE VOICE: It's Little
Alex Horne.

Hello, Greg.

Hi!

Greg. I'm so sorry to do this.
What's happened?

Nothing's happened I just need to
verify you're not a robot. Mm-hm.

There's a lot of it about. Hmm.
So here are some ticks.

There we go. Just put that into a
square

wherever you see a motorbike.

So, er, there's the image.

Just if you see a motorbike pop a,

pop a tick on any square with a
motorbike.

Then I'm obviously a robot cos there
are no motorbikes.

Well, well, robots would be able to

spot if there was a motorbike.

I'd love to have a fight with you.

I'd love to have an actual fight
with you.

Right.

On with the prize task.

What have they been asked to bring in
this week?

Well, this one is tantalising for
me, Greg,

because they've been asked to
bring in

the most fun thing to put
in Alex's pocket

without him knowing.

Ooh!

So some things have been put in my
admin jacket without me knowing.

It's up to Greg to decide which is
the most fun thing

and the person responsible will
pocket five points.

The winner of the episode will take
home all the things that

have been in my pockets.

OK, Andy, what do you think's the
most fun thing

to put in Alex's pocket?

Er, Alex it's in your top left
arm pocket.

Here she comes.

Ah, it's the elixir of eternal life.
Yeah.

Wow.

Yeah, I thought it might be
quite fun.

Inside it's got egg, batshitium,
dolphin spludge...

Ah. Wow.

Should I?

I think the real test of the fun is
you drinking it.

That's the dolphin I suppose. That's,
that's...

Mm-mm. It smells dirty.

Right how much, what's the. Well, it
depends...

Er, for eternal life you have to do
the whole bottle, don't you?

You don't mind smelling it before?

Yeah. Just...

Oh, yeah it's definitely the whole
bottle.

Hm-mm.

Oh, there he is!

Well, I've gotta say, Andy, I had a
lot of fun... Good. Yeah, I thought,

I thought... That was a very strong
opener. Thank you.

Baba, can you beat eternal life?

I hope so.

Er, check your, uh, bottom left
pocket.

Pop it out! Here it comes.

Read it. Read it.

It's a key ring, which you know I
like.

Yeah, but what is it?

So, so far, so disappointing.

Listen I'm gonna tell you right now
I don't care for what you wanna do.

I know. I know.

This is for me and my brethren
right here.

Me and him. We made friends.

We made a tight bond and this is for
him

and this is something we found fun.

It says big up yourself, all day
every day.

Every single day. Every single day.

Big up yourself, all day, everyday.

I love that.

So now when you look at your keys...
Mm-hm.

..are you gonna read that and are you
gonna big yourself up?

I, I will say to myself big up
yourself all day every day.

My guy.

And also you, he's got a lot of days
now that you've just drunk that.

It's quite a fun thing to put in
Alex's pocket.

OK. Yeah.

Jack? Yeah. Did you put a fun thing
in Alex's pocket?

Yes, I think it's in your...the-the
right-hand pocket down below, yeah?

Ah.

So in the world of sport, which I
know a lot about,

the injuries are all too common and
I thought... All too common.

..why not dev why not make an
invention that will warn you

if you're over-exercising.

OK, if you would stand up for
a second.

Of course.

So, can I just ask you to raise your
right leg up,

your right knee up.

Good, so no, no, no, problems
there.

Absolutely fine.

Can you, yeah bend, bend over and
touch your toes?

Yeah. Yeah.

FLATULENCE

If you, if you would try again,
please.

FLATULENCE

WHOOPY CUSHION
Ah, there we go!

Oh, I can taste that one.

That's very good, Jack.

Emma, what have you put in
Alex's pocket?

OK, top right arm pocket.

Here it is. Ooh!

This is a QR code.

I love them.

Fine. If you were to scan this QR
code you get two tickets

to see Bon Jovi tribute band
Wrong Jovi play on

the 19th of October in Basildon.

Are you serious? Yeah.

These guys rock. All right

I've seen them three times if you
include my wedding.

I've got an e-ticket, sorry.
Yeah, yeah. It worked.

It's not Alex that's going it's
the person who wins...

Yeah, and it...

..so it could be one of you guys.

It's... But there, there's two
tickets, I can...

Yeah, you can come as well, yeah.

Maybe they're on my, er, iPad.

and, I mean, tonight...

I mean I think it does sound fun.

I just don't think anyone else in
the room does.

Rosie Jones, what have you brought
in and put in Alex's pocket?

I brought, very simple, an ice cube.

It was an ice cube

but this has taken quite a while
so it's now quite a few ice cubes...

Yeah.

..and my, leg's quite wet.

Eventually, he will look like he
pissed himself.

It's multiple layer bullying...

Yeah.

..and you'll get nothing but praise
from me.

Here's my thinking.

Ice, fart machine, very funny. Quite
route one.

Why mess with perfection?

She's right they're classics but I'm
gonna give them three points each.

I'm, I'm taking a bet on Wrong Jovi,

because they might be dog shit,

and, honestly, if they are shit I
still think whoever goes

will find that funny...

Great.

..but I'm gonna match that... Right.

..because I really found it fun you
bigging yourself up.

Then I don't think you do big
yourself up enough.

Really? You know why? Mm-hm.

Cos I think you're a penis.

I'm gonna give that four points
and the truth is

I had the most fun watching you drink
Andy's elixir

and I don't even know what's in it,

but that's what gets the five points.
There you go.

Four to Baba and Emma, five to Andy
Zaltzman.

There you go.

Right, let's get stuck in and on with
the task.

Oh, you don't beat around
the bush, do you, Greg?

Blimey. Calm down.

First up, then, a spot of indoor
train track fishing.

Emma. Hello.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh!

Yeah, do you just wanna hop over
and get that.

Oh!

There we go.

That will do it.

I could probably reach that.

Must be a quicker way.

There would've been if you'd just
put it on the table,

that would've been quicker.

Right.

Hook one fish in the frying pan.

Dottiest fish wins.

What's a dotty fish?

Your task ends when you put
a fish in the frying pan.

You have 15 minutes.

Your time starts now.

Dottiest fish?

That's what he wants. He loves his
dotty fish.

I apologise cos I, I thought that
that was just a device to,

for this thing and, uh, there's
more to it. Yeah.

I will never tire of Jack's boredom
of this.

Why does something have
to be difficult?

Erm, I just wanna get stuck into it
that's what I want.

OK, we're gonna start with two
people who each have two vowels

and two consonants but no dots...

..yet.

It's Baba and Emma, here we go.

All right, time to go fishing.

Swing, bruv, swing.

Yeah, go on, get it.

You caught a fish.

Yeah, I have.

But the thing is, yeah...

SCREAMS: No!

Dottiest, dottiest fish.

Dottiest fish.

So that's a bin.

Come here, come on. That's right.

Oh, no! You little punk.

Oh.

Your mum!

Come on, bro. Come here.

Three?

Dottiest fish? Mm-hm.

Do you...?

That one's so dotty?

Ah, well that's the end of
the task.

Oh, I'm gutted.

There could be one down there that's
even dottier? Yeah.

All right.

Ah, Baba your technique.

Careful.

Yes! Oh, my days! Yes!

Look at me! I am the man.

I am the man. I am
the frigging man.

Look at that, bro. Look at that.

Bow, in your face.

I dare anyone to find a fish with
more dots than me.

Quite a contrast in styles there.

I don't know anyone who could bring
that sort of energy

to fishing for dotty fish.

Yeah, but man sometimes when you
win you've just gotta yell brap,

you know what I'm saying?

You've gotta big up yourself.
All day every day.

Exactly. Big up yourself.
Do it again.

Big up yourself. Yes.

Quite a contrast with you.

You spent a lot of time debating
what dotty meant,

and then when you found a dotty fish
under the pan,

your instinct was to pop it in the
pan like a 1950s TV cook.

I was, I was furious at myself.

It was an instinct cos it was
fastest, right, so it was...

No, it was not fastest. It was most
dots.

You had 15 minutes.

So Baba got 30 dots on his fish.

Emma got ten.

Break time now.

Go. Come back soon.

It's simple. Bye.

Hello! You've joined us for the start
of part two

and the continuation of a fishing
task.

A dotty fishing task, Greg, come on,
man.

They can place one fish in the pan

and the fish with the most dots will
gain the most points.

Next up it's Andy and Rosie.

Down.

It's quite impressive technology
this, Alex,

just voice activated? Yeah, that's
all it is, yeah. Right.

Down. Down.

Keep going down, mate.

Do you want me to open that
for you?

No. I'm an independent lady.

Three minutes gone.

Could you open it?

Cos I'm also an independent lady.

It's empty.

How dotty, is it? Well, it's not
dotty at all.

You go down quicker, quicker.

Is there a pen? Is that a pen down
there?

There's something else on the track
next to the fish.

Down.

Up.

It comes off.

Are you gonna remove that dot?
Yeah.

I see.

Right.

We're gonna try and get whatever
that red thing is down there.

Oh, look at that.

This is one of the most intrepid
rescue missions

I've ever been involved in.

You've got four dots on your fish
and you've got four minutes.

Right we've got ages,
we're doing this.

OK.

What have you caught? Pen.

Oh. That could be quite useful.
Right.

And that fish had how many dots?

Three. Right.

..six, seven...

Mm-hm. You've got 20 seconds.

Oh, you've put a fish in the frying
pan.

Task over, congratulations.

I reckon, er, bit of white wine
sauce, lovely.

I mean, obviously, very effective
over there. Yes. Sure.

You must be, you must be thrilled
Andy.

Well, I spent 20 years as a
commercial fisherman, er, and also.

Christ, I almost believed you!
I think...

Look at me! Look at me!

I've never done anything practical
in my life.

I spent half the time looking in

them fucking useless bags.

But you know who's to blame
for that, don't you? Him!

Him. Of course.

So Rosie managed to get a total of
seven dots,

Andy 657 because they were on both
sides,

they were also on the rim of
the fish.

Wow.

You dotted the rim?

The man's a professional.

Who's next?

Finally here's a quick film about
Jack having a great time.

OK so I'm lifting this round.
Mm-hm.

Lower it down, please.

Yes.

Keep going.

Are any of these things magnetic?

Said so on the packet.

OK, oh, OK lift it up, please,
bring it up.

Little bit up and then, uh, down.

Oh, stop, stop. No, stop.

Stop.

Ah, no. Up. Down. Stop.
Forward a bit.

Stop. Dow, down.

Down.

Up, please.

Nah... I see what you're trying to
do.

Yeah, well, yeah, I'm trying to get
a fish in the...

Hmm. ..frying pan.

Yeah, great.

Erm, erm... Yeah.

Down a bit.

OK try bringing that up.

Up it comes, Jack. Yeah.

Keep going.

Right, bring it back.

Bring it, bring it down.

So the task ends when the fish goes
in the pan.

Right OK the task is over.

There you are.

How dotty is your fish, Jack?

SIGHS: Oh!

One dot.

One dot?

What a waste of time!

I mean, as you know Jack I try not to
make ageist remarks to you

but I just wrote down a generic
summary of my view of

the attempt and it's this,

do you think it's time we got
grandad some special cutlery?

If the challenge had been
the fewest dots...

Oh, yeah, you'd smash it. ..you'd be
looking at a champ.

You're the people's champion.

Hmm, yeah.

He still had eight minutes to go, at
that point...

..if he'd wanted to carry on.

Points wise, one point to Jack,

it's two to Rosie with her seven,
Emma three points,

Baba four points with 30 dots.

Andy, your 657 dots transfers into
five points.

Andy Zaltzman everyone, well done.

Can I see a scoreboard, please,
young fellow m'lad?

Jack is at the bottom of
the leaderboard

but at the top it's Andy Zaltzman
with a full ten points.

Wow.

Have you got something good
lined up for me, Alex?

Always Greg and this one has doubled
our cast with

a whole host of wonderful new
characters.

Well played.

Thanks.

Good luck with it.

Thank you. I shall do my best.

You know me.

Create, handle and voice

the most charismatic new children's
television puppet sidekick for Alex.

Who the hell is Alex?

Oh!

I thought you meant a character,
like, a cartoon character.

Sorry.

You have 30 minutes.

Your time starts now.

Create, handle, hmm, OK so it's,
it's puppeteering really.

OK this is good for me cos I
write children's books.

Do you? Buy them. That'll do,
that's enough, that's enough.

Buy them now.

Erm...

Have you handled puppets much?

Er... I haven't done no.

Er, I, er, I've, er, I've not, er,

I've not done one ever so...

OK. So it's a no.

That's a no, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, take a while to...
Yeah. ..come out.

OK. I'll, erm, I'll, I'll be back on
that then.

Right, right, OK then.

Was it just me that was thinking
that Jack was possibly leaving

the show at that point?

It was just one of those days when
you didn't wanna do anything and,

er, and that's not a good approach
to Taskmaster.

Baba provided me with one of my
favourite moments this series with

the genuine question, who
the hell is Alex?

Rosie, you, er, used it as an
opportunity

to shamelessly plug your side
hustle I see.

Yeah. Erm, I write...

No, no, no, no...

Uh, uh... We don't do it now.

If anyone's gonna plug their side
hustle on this show,

it's gonna be this guy.

Only Fans.

All thongs no hair.

Genuinely don't know where that
came from.

Well, it's time to meet our first
charismatic puppet from the mind

and voice of Jack Dee.

Hello, children, and welcome to
another episode of

Horney and Horsey.

Do you know what we've been doing
in the barn?

I was teaching Horsey the alphabet.

Yeah, and I'm remembering it by
thinking of words that begin

with each letter.

A is for apple.

And B is for best friend.

Horney is my best friend.

Now you have to come up with a word
beginning with C that describes me.

Oh, I know...

Charismatic. That's me.

Well, that's all we've got time
for, Horney.

Say goodbye to my little friends.

OK, goodbye.

Horsey was quite charismatic.

In the end, yeah.

Well, it turned out to be, yeah.

And it turns out your equine American
counterpart's

quite full of life and energetic.

Yes, funny that as I was having
a lie down, you see.

But credit also to Alex who really
got into

the character of a...of a twat.

You didn't like even eluding to
the C word, did you?

I was thinking it but I wouldn't
say it.

I don't think you ever have said it,
actually, which I find fascinating.

Well, I will also advise...

Say it. No.

I'm saying it's g...

We're all adults here. Say it. It's
going round and round up here.

Whisper it to me.

Whisper it to me and then I'll let
us move on.

Say the words.

Put that down. Whisper it.

Right, who's next?

Right, well, next up it's Andy
and his creation, Pigeor.

Hello, children, and welcome to the
Horney hour with me, Alex Horne.

We're meeting my new friend today.

Why don't you introduce yourself
to the children?

Hello, children, I am Pigeor,
the merciless one,

from my beak of bleakness flows a
bitter cascade of eternal despair.

OK can you try to lighten it up a
bit for the kids please, Pigeor?

Go fuck yourself, Alex Horne.
I don't like children.

They often grow up to be adults,
who are mostly awful.

No offence Alex, well, some offence.

It is a kids' TV show so can you do
something the kids might like?

I can do my pigeon song.

Ooh, good idea, Pigeor, and what's
your song called?

You Can't Eat An Ice Cream When
You're Burning In Hell.

OK let's not do the song.

I wanna do my song.

You cannot do the song.

Then, Alexeidaniovitch, I will peck
you to death.

Clear the area.

Can you please come a bit closer
for your fatal pecking?

That's what I'm talking about. Ow!

Yeah, get in there.

Ow! OK, bye-bye children.

See you next time on the Horney
hour.

Very disturbing.

I mean, who hurt you Andy?

You've just got to go with your
first instinct on this show,

haven't you, really?

Yeah, he's got some lovely
catchphrases for the kids, hasn't he?

You can't eat an ice cream when
you're burning in hell.

Well, that's just physics.

I mean can I say that's a charismatic
children's character?

Do I want a satanic pigeon pecking
my head off?

Children don't know what's best for
them, though, do they, don't they?

What's wrong with you?

Absolutely terrifying, Andy.

Quite a creation. Who's next?

Yes, now it's time for Emma and her
cheeky Little Banana Boy.

Oh, God!

Hey, kids!

Hi, everybody! My name's Little
Cheeky Banana Boy

and this is my sidekick, Alex
Horne...

Hi, I'm Alex Horne.

..and we're here to tell you guys
to eat your bananas.

That was really good.

Thank you.

Oy, Alex. I, er...

..I think I've developed feelings
for you.

I sort of wanna, I dunno...

..kiss you.

OK.

Alex... Hm-mm.

..eat me.

Shut up.

Just one banana.

I don't want to.

I feel devastated.

I'm... I'm gonna die now.

Right, OK.

OK cut now. Cut.

Great.

It strikes me that it was quite a
wholesome and sweet character.

Yeah.

It, sort of, the wheels came off for
me when Banana Boy tried

to get off with Alex.

Yeah, I know I really don't remember
that either.

This is a charismatic children's
character, OK?

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

We've had a mutant pigeon

and now we've got a banana hybrid
trying to get off with a man...

I know.

..and then being so depressed that
the man wouldn't get off with him

that he spontaneously died.

Yeah, I know.

When it comes to making up
children's characters

we really have tonally nailed it,
haven't we?

Right let's stop and have a break...

..a break dance.

Hello, hello and welcome back to
Taskmaster.

What's been going on, Alex?

They've all been trying to create
the most charismatic

new children's puppet.

Next it's Babatunde and Man Like
Tyrone.

Oh, hello, boys and girls.

Welcome to this world where you're
never on your own

because you're here with me Alex...

..and me, Man Like Tyrone.

So what's today's lesson on?

Today's lesson is about saying no
to drugs.

Oh, yes. Drugs.

Yo, Alex?

Yes, Man Like Tyrone.

Why did Humpty Dumpty fall off the
wall?

Hmm-mm, I don't know.

Because he was a crack head.

PUPPET LAUGHS

Oh, it kills me.

Now children, there's gonna come a
time in your life

when you might wanna get high
and I'm here to tell you,

don't do it.

Hmm, yes, don't do it.

You could lose

everything.

Everything?

Yes, bro.

What should they do instead?

Sell it.

What?

Hell, yeah! You can make a lot more
money selling instead of using.

Remember what I always tell you,
bro,

And that's all from me, Alex,...

..and me, Man Like Tyrone.

Bye kids. Bye kids.

I mean, I'm gonna have to,
essentially, just forget

about children, aren't I?

Man like Tyrone, quite the charmer
though.

He was very charismatic.

That's what we're... He was.
..basing this on, right?

Is he a rat?

He's an otter. He's an otter? Otter,
yeah. Oh!

He was from Brixton.

Oh, sorry I didn't realise there
was quite, such a backstory.

Er, he was 34... Otter from the
inner city.

..34, he's a Pisces.

There's quite a lot, a lot of
backstory.

I mean I did like it, I did like
hanging out with him until

he tried to sell drugs to kids.

but I'm gonna have to suspend
the whole kids thing.

I'm just gonna have to choose the
most charismatic awful character.

Well, brace yourselves.

Here's Rosie Jones with her
creation.

Hello, kiddie winks! It's me, Little
Alex,

and my bestest friend in the whole
wide world, Mr Poo.

Hello, to you. I am Mr Poo.

Alex, can I ask you a question?

Where did I come from?

Well, I made you.

You made me?

Yes, Mr Poo, I squeezed out of
my bumhole

and I kept you because before you
I had no friends

and I was lonely, very, very lonely,

but now I have you, Mr Poo, who I
love with all my heart.

Ah, I love you.

Kissy?

Kissy?

Kissy... OK.

..on my mouth.

On your mouth? Yes.

OK we'll see you after the break.

Mr Poo.

Oh, Alex.

Sorry Alex and sorry Rosie,

you kissed a shit

but you wouldn't kiss little
banana boy?

Exactly boy, Mr Poo.

Totally fair.

When you said, "Where do
I come from?",

I actually found myself going, "Ah,
that's quite sweet,"

but it was when all the sticky brown
stuff got on

Alex's face that you lost me,

Charisma-wise.

OK look it's most charismatic
puppet wins.

Yeah, all right.

I found banana boy a bit depressive.

Yeah.

I can only give him one point.

OK where are we going from
banana boy?

It's between a talking shit and a
murderous pigeon.

A dance as old as time itself.

That old chestnut again.

Two for the poo, three for the
murderous pigeon.

Got it.

If it was points for who do I wanna
hang out with

and have a good time with I'm not
going out with a horse...

Exactly.

..I'm coming to Brixton with
the otter.

Thank you very much.

Four points to Jack, five points to
Baba.

There we go, well done, Baba.

Shall we have another task?

I think we should but please let's
proceed with extreme caution.

Ooh!

Emma... Hiya. ..in you go.

Oh, my God.

What's going on Alex?

What's going on? Yeah.

Just a robot. Yeah?

Yeah.

Right.

Oh, that's a bit worrying.

Defuse the robot.

You must cut all the wires but one.

If you cut the danger wire the robot
will spew

and you will be disqualified.

You must keep your goggles on at
all times.

Fastest to defuse the robot wins.

You have a maximum of ten minutes.
Your time starts now.

Please press the red button.

Here? Yeah.

Press it? Mm-hm.

I have to press the red button?
Uh-huh.

We're off.

Oh, j... Wow! Wow! Wow, wow, wow.
OK.

And if you've got any questions
I'm always here for you, Jack.

OK, thank you.

Which one is the danger wire?

Let's get stuck into it.

Yes, so they had to cut all the
wires but one,

leaving just the danger wire.

Fastest to successfully do
that wins.

First to try and defuse the
situation, it's Baba and Emma.

How am I supposed to know which one
it is?

That's a good question.

Which one are you gonna cut?

I don't know...

GIGGLING: ...but I'm a bit scared.

Wait what's around me?

Wait, what's this?

Ooh!

Ah!

Wow.

I didn't see any... OK cool.

No. Doesn't help that.

The safe list. What's all this?

James...

..Dan...

What are these people that
have done it?

Um, green that's interesting that's
like Gordon.

I don't really know about that.

All right, I'll think about that.

And then there's a dude here.
HMS Danger.

HMS Danger.

Oh, blood! Man don't
know what none of this means.

Oh, my days!

I'm gonna cut the green wire. Why?
Cos it says Gordon on the safe list.

OK.

The fan's spinning round at
the back. He's not spewed.

Brilliant.

Why is there a bottle of wine?

Might as well.

Oh, it's awful!

So red wine, so red is safe... OK.
..cos it's wine.

Wait.

Yellow ain't safe cos yellow is not
on the chart...

..but red is.

Red, green and blue.

All right, well, we'll cut blue.

HE GIGGLES

I don't wanna cut it.

Dan.

So there's three letters in Dan so
I'm gonna do three wires down.

One two, three, down.

Let's cut blue, see how we go.

I'm trying to cut it.

SHE SCREAMS

Whoa!

You've managed to only cut the
danger wire.

How rubbish is that?

SHE GIGGLES

Everything spews once in a while, my
guy. You know what I mean?

So have I won?

Erm, I think in military terms you're
both what's known as cannon fodder.

I had no idea, none of the clues
made sense to me.

It was quite, quite impressive after
you've cut one wire

and the robot's gone off and you're
covered in stuff

to look down the camera and
say, "Have I won?"

I put it to you that throughout the
task neither of you understood it.

I think I was just role playing...
Hmm.

...being a woman drinking wine
cutting wires does that make sense?

No, that's what you were doing.

Well it's now time for Andy and
Rosie and robot.

OK, all right.

So right, right.

I've got James.

Charlie.

Dan.

Gordon.

BOTH: Derren.

All Browns.

Brown!

So I'm feeling that Brown is safe.

Cut the brown.

You sure? Yes.

He's made a mess but he hasn't
spewed.

OK, so bottle of Chateau Taskmaster.

Did you make this yourself?

Red? Red wine.

Cut the red.

One, nine, one, six, five...

That felt safe. I'm gonna go red is
safe.

You think red is safe? OK.

I think red is safe, cos red is not,

I'm not saying red is nice, I'm
saying red is safe.

Yeah, his eyes have lit up. He's not
spewed.

Right.

What's between green and orange?

Yellow!

Yellow!

You're safe. Three minutes 30 left.

OK.

Are there any more clues?

Moon with a danger sign on it.

It could mean blue?

Blue? Is it saying blue?
Is that a blue moon?

What's that?

Do you want me to get it for you?

Call. Ooh!

Zero, zero, zero, zero.

Kiwi, New Zealand, All Blacks.

Black? Yeah.

That's bleeped.

Yeah, black is safe.

Right so you've got three minutes
and how many wires left?

Two.

Yellow or blue?

Yeah, well, I think, blue moon, I
think blue moon is the danger one.

Yellow's going.

You have succeeded in the task.

Oh, I have? You have. Oh, right.

Green. Cos it says green safe.

You've got 20 seconds to cut one
more wire.

Grey or blue?

Oh!

You've got ten seconds. It's gonna
go in ten seconds.

Oh, cut the grey.

Three seconds.

Here we go.

Was that wrong?

It was right but I was a bit slow
with the, er, with the cutters.

So I would've done it

if you had done your fucking job.

Sorry Rosie.

Erm, you two must feel
fairly ashamed.

They, they were impressive
logic-wise. Yeah.

Zaltzman...

Yeah. ..like a professional.

Yeah, well, I worked for 20 years in
bomb disposal.

Rosie, what was the quote?

"So I would've done it if you'd done
your fucking job."

Right, cos I'm disabled

I had to work with that dickhead.

That's me.

Yeah.

I think Alex finds that fairly
offensive actually, Rosie.

Oh, yeah.

OK it's the end of part three.

Today's prizes might be our worst
yet as the winner will have to

take home things which have

joined the moist, smelly tissues

that were already in Alex's dirty
little pockets.

Hello, here we are again for the last
time this episode.

Yes, totes babes!

No. I will not have totes babes.

But it says it on the... I won't
have it.

Contestants are in a spot of bother.

There's a spewing robot which needs
defusing before it starts defusing.

To stop it they've gotta cut all
but the danger wire

and so, at last, here is Jack to
save the Dee.

The safe list.

James,

Charlie, Dan, Derren...

..Brown...

Brown is safe.

OK.

Safe one, OK.

There's a phone up there.

Quite expensive.

Yeah. Calling Taskmaster.

GREG DAVIES: Whatever you do, do not
make the danger wire

sound like my name.

Red or grey or green.

That's a pretty poor clue.

So I think...

Actually maybe the danger wire
should sound like my name.

I'm a pretty dangerous guy after all.

Now he's saying it should sound
like his name.

Oh, right.

That's just a new level of
unhelpful.

How long have you got left on
the clock?

Er, about a minute and 32 seconds or
something.

Right there's not a lot of urgency
Jack.

That I don't understand.

Yellow, I suppose, it's pure yellow.

Yellow is safe I'm gonna say.

Taskmaster does that mean red is
safe? Does.

How long have we got left?
57 seconds.

Right, OK.

Well, it wouldn't be exciting if you
didn't take it down to the line.

This has got written danger on it.

Blue.

So I'm gonna say blue is
the danger one.

OK.

I'm gonna go for it.

Green...

..now the red one...

..and now the grey one.

That's it I've finished.

You've defused the robot, Jack.

Thank you. I hope none of the others
get it.

Ah!

Erm, it was just like watching a
professional robot defuser in action.

It really was. It really was.

He was very frustrated by the phone
calls but, yeah,

he spotted the blue.

There was a blue light on the top,
everything danger was blue so...

Yeah. It was, er, pretty
straightforward.

He was not as quick as Andy.

We know Andy was the quickest.

Jack was the second quickest, did it
with a few seconds left to spare,

Rosie didn't do it, of course...

Yes! And that's what we've got to
clear up now, isn't it?

Hmm.

Do we, er, allow Rosie to get some
points from this?

I will say she did crack the code
with about eight seconds left

so it's whether or not it's possible
to cut a wire in eight seconds,

I don't think it is.

Fortunately for you, er, Alex has no
authority here, erm,

and I say it was his incompetence
that caused you to lose

so you just about made it in time is
my final judgment.

She gets three points for coming
third?

Yes, stop hating people
with disability.

I'll try, I'll try!

OK three points to Rosie.

Four to Jack.

Five to Andy Zaltzman.

OK, everyone, for a change please
stay in your chairs

for the final task of the show.

Ooh.

Curtain rise.

Rotate the human.

What a mystery! Who's reading the
task?

Jack Dee, please.

OK, er, correctly guess this
person's job.

You must ask a yes or no question
on your turn.

If you take more than ten seconds to
ask your question you miss a go.

The person who guesses correctly
wins five points.

Whoa!

So it's all or nothing in this one.

Ready Greg?

Ready.

Andy?

Erm, have you, er, drawn blood at
work?

Yes.

Do you chase people?

No.

We'll, we'll come back to ask about
that afterwards.

Do you work in medicine?

Yes.

Are you a surgeon?

Yes.

You need to be more specific and
that is your question, Jack.

Yes.

Are you a brain surgeon?

No.

Are you a veterinary surgeon?

No.

Heart surgeon?

No.

A little clue, the job title doesn't
involve the word surgeon.

Do you do lots of different things
in your job every day?

Yes.

Very pleased with that one,
weren't you?

Are you a GP?

No.

Do you work with other humans?

Yes.

That narrows it down for us.

Are you an anaesthetist?

No.

Are you sat down throughout
your shift?

No.

Are you an obstetrician?

No.

Ooh.

Are you a gynaecologist?

Yes.

We have a winner!

Oh, God!

Thank you to our guest, Quentin.

Quentin, ladies and gentlemen.

Let's reset the stage and find out
the final scores.

That has surely put the
gynaecological cat

amongst the pigeons.

Well, it has in a way Jack has ended
up on 17 points

and is in second place

but the winner with 18 points is...

..Andy Zaltzman.

Andy Zaltzman wins.

Please go and pocket your things
from a pocket.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media