All language subtitles for Suburgatory Season 1 EPS (4)

Tessa: They say it's always
quiet before the storm,

but here in the suburbs,
it's just quiet.

(Swallows)

What was that?

I...

Swallowed.

(Crunching softly)

Hear that?

I can't eat any quieter.

No. Listen.

(Sirens wailing in distance)

Sirens. Police sirens!

How great is it to not hear
that all the time?

Are you kidding?
It sounds like home.

What chirping birds
are to the suburbs,

police sirens are to the city,

and for a homesick girl,
this was music to my ears.

A siren could signify
almost anything...

Arson, murder...

Dolls!
Dolls?

(Voice breaking) Someone stole my
entire Shirley temple doll collection.

Can you describe
the dolls, ma'am?

"Lollipop" Shirley was last seen
wearing a sailor outfit.

(Police radio chatter)
Um, "curly top" Shirley was

wearing a red polka dot dress
with cap sleeves.

I don't know what's wrong
with me. I'm so flustered.

Take a deep breath, ma'am.

It's natural
to be a little shaken up.

Well, of course
I am shaken up.

They're valuable dolls,
collectibles.

Original Shirleys,
mint condish.

The cops are here for dolls?

I've been up since 4:00 A.M.

This is so exciting.

It's probably
the most exciting thing

to ever happen around here.

Yeah.

I bet it is.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

(Woman) ♪ Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

I don't know.
Try to fit her in at 3:00.

Yes!

I am on my way in
right now.

(Beep) God.
I am sorry that I am late.

It has been
a crazy morning.

(Chuckles) I mean,
this break-in is a gift.

I mean, terrible
for the shays, of course,

but great if you're
in the dental game.

They're not asking you
to look

at the doll's dental records,
are they?

This whole town is on edge.
They are grinding their teeth.

They are thrusting
their tongues.

Based on the phone calls
this morning, I'm going to be

molding mouth guards
for months. (Chuckles)

Well, too bad
it wasn't a murder, huh?

I wish.

So what about you, huh?

You should be cashing in
on this, too.

I'm an architect.

Frightened people rarely add
bonus rooms.

Mm, but what about
panic rooms?

"Inside celebrity panic rooms."
Seriously?

Wait. You have
a subscription to this?

Yeah.
Check out Bono's safe room.

It doubles
as a recording studio,

and Jay-Z's panic shelter...

(Chuckles) It has a cognac bar
and a disco.

You really think
people around here

- would go for that kind of thing?
- (Dallas) Hey.

Hey.
Oh, my God.

George, did you hear about
the break-in?

I am in a full-blown panic.

- My husband's out of town.
- Mm-hmm.

I haven't felt this vulnerable
since I test-drove a smart car.

Dallas is in a panic, George.
Do you have any suggestions?

Maybe you could take
a few precautions

to make your house
feel safe.

- Okay.
- Mm?

(Gasps) Oh.

I want it. I need it.
I have to have it.

How soon can you start?

(Chuckles) I'm not gonna
take commission on this,

but you can get me
breakfast.

I'm gonna have
the lobster omelet.

Okay, I'll... uh, Dallas,
are you ordering?

Oh, I don't eat in public.

Lunch was giving me
the evil eye,

and so was
my high school Nemesis, Dalia,

the girl who personified
what I hate about the suburbs.

(Tray clatters)

Hey.

(Mr. Wolfe, voice amplified)
Students.

Students, I must interrupt lunch
with a message

that is both shocking
and upsetting.

(Students murmuring)
Something happened this morning

that threatens the quality
of life as we know it.

Is this about the dolls?
Can't be about the dolls.

It is about the dolls.

Potentially violent criminals

are targeting the homes
of Chatswin High students.

This what we call
a teachable moment.

Let's chat about crime.

Lisa, you're a victim...
In so many ways.

How does that feel?

(Amplified voice)
Mm. Mnh-mnh.

(Crunching and grunting)
Mnh-mnh.

(Chuckles)

Mnh-mnh.

I think that's her way
of saying, "it feels bad."

Keep eating.

If we don't keep eating,
they win.

(Murmuring continues)

I just want to say,

it's pretty obvious
who committed the crime.

It wasn't me.

Not you.

This crime spree started
when certain people moved here

from New York, New York,
New... New York.

(Students murmuring)

She's talking about me.

Remember Ray
from Ray's pizza?

Ray was a good guy.

Remember how saucy
their sicilian was?

We're not moving back
to New York.

Come on, George.

This place is stupid.

In the city, if someone called
the cops over missing dolls,

they'd be arrested.

It does show you how much less
crime there is here, though,

how much safer it is
than our old neighborhood.

(Doorbell rings)

Safer? Unh-unh.

This place is all bitches,
backstabbers, and Botox.

(Knock on door)

Dalia?

Did I accidentally
summon you?

(Panting) Oh!

Thanks, Tessa,
for letting us seek refuge.

Thank you.

George, we're here!

When night fell,
we just panicked,

and being that there's
no panic room to panic in,

we came here.

I have to tell you, we felt like
sitting ducks over there

in that big, professionally
decorated house of ours...

But this feels...
Wonderfully safe, though.

It feels claustrophobic.

It's not claustrophobic.
It's snug.

It feels sticky.

It does feel
a little sticky.

Ahem.

Uh, excuse me.

Maybe they want to be
around familiar faces.

(Whispers) We are not
that familiar.

We just moved here.
It's weird.

(Led voice)
Okay, it is a little weird,

but... (Sighs) Come on.

It's just one night,

so like... like Oprah says
that Maya Angelou says,

"troubles are a blessing
that force you to change."

So now you watch "Oprah"?

I'm up a lot at night.

Oh. Dalia spit up
the tiniest bit.

Oh.

From her claustrophobia.

(Chuckles)

(Lowered voice) You feel it?
We're changing, like Maya said.

All right.

Oh. Wow. (Chuckles)

Uh, how did... how did you...

Do this? (Chuckles)

I just found a box marked
"good dishes,"

and then I used my pashmina
as a table runner,

snuck over to Sheila Shay's,
cut a dozen roses.

It was nothing.
Five minutes.

But we always eat pizza off
paper plates. Right, George?

Yeah, but, I mean...

(Chuckles) It wouldn't kill us
to eat off real plates.

I just thought you could use
a woman's touch.

A woman's touch.
Well, that... that's very nice.

- Right, Tessa?
- Right, Oprah.

Oh, Tessa. Tessa, here.
You come sit next to Dalia.

I thought you girls might want
to gossip about school

and boys and birth control.

(Sighs)

Okay. Let's eat.

Dear Lord,

thank you for this pizza
we are about to receive,

and even though
all this cheese means

for sure Dalia will be
gassy tonight,

and even though one slice
probably exceeds

your entire recommended
daily caloric intake...

The Lord set
a daily caloric intake.

Tessa, shh.

We ask that you ease
our digestion

and help us burn
this meal off swiftly.

Amen.

Amen.

(Whispers) Amen.

(Doorbell rings)

Oh, no. Missy, where do you
think you're going?

To answer the door.

Oh, no. (Chuckles)
No, no. No.

We don't answer the door
during dinner.

Mnh-mnh.

Unless, of course,
they ring twice.

That means it's urgent
or a package

or an urgent package.

(Ring)

I'm sorry.

Ah!

What?

We do not eat
until everyone is present.

Give it. Give it to me.

Tessa, hi.

Just letting everyone know
the Shirleys haven't appeared

on eBay or any of the official
Shirley trading sites.

Okay.
Thanks for the update.

(Crying) It's me, isn't it?

They stole the dolls
to get back at me.

This was a personal attack,
wasn't it?

You know,
I'm not really supposed

to answer the door
during dinner.

Oh, hey, Sheila.

What's the word
from the cabbage patch?

This is all very funny to you,
but I am not laughing.

Now if you will excuse me,
I have a pile

of freshly laundered
doll clothes to fold.

That's what my night
looks like!

(Exhales deeply)

(Door creaks)

I'd been sentenced to life
in the suburbs,

but I held on to the hope

that I might get out early
for good behavior.

So that meant putting up
with Dalia for the night.

Your room is so small.

It's even smaller
than the rest of your house.

Generally,
that's how it work

the rooms inside the house
are smaller than the house.

That's how they fit 'em in.

My dad's an architect.

(Clicks tongue)
Drugstore makeup.

Tragic.

Tragic is loading
yourself up

with so much mascara,
you can't blink.

♪

I can blink.

(Slow ripping sound)

Ow.

I'm sorry.
Was that in your way?

Oh, I wasn't sure
if it was gonna be,

but now it's for sure not.
(Chuckles)

Wow. What do you need
all of this for?

I need all this...
For all this.

(Both chuckle)

Except this.
I need this for...

This.

Corn?

Pre-corn.

Well, okay.

Well, you're all set.

I'm just gonna grab some...

What are these?

Yoga pants.

Okay. Where are my things?

Oh, you mean your undies?

I moved 'em so I could fit
my yoga pants.

Dallas, you do not touch
a-a man's undies

unless he tells you
you can.

Well, you didn't say
I couldn't.

There are certain boundaries,
and my undies...

Underwear are on the other side
of that boundary.

(Chuckles)
Don't be silly, George.

I'm not being silly.

Oh.
(Spritzes)

Aah! What is that?

It's lavender.
It promotes a restful sleep.

It also stings a little.

- You know what you should do?
- What?

You should get some underwear
like the soccer players wear,

like, the 3/4 brief
like Beckham,

'cause honestly,
these are so unflattering.

I mean, big old dumpy
boxer shorts.

Nobody wants to see you
in these, George.

Give me those!

I do not need new underwear
or lavender spritzes.

I enjoy answering the door
during dinner,

and quite frankly,
nothing makes me happier

than eating pizza
off a paper plate.

Oh, and, Dallas, for the record,
that ain't pre-corn.

That's a full-blown corn.

(Gasps)

I believe
it was Oprah who said...

You shut up.

(Slams)

George rarely slammed doors.

I took this as a good sign.

Something told me

the situation was going
to take care of itself.

Mm. You can't sit with us.

No, this is the cool table.

Mm.

Unreal.
She even sleeps like a bitch.

(Object clattering)

(Snoring)

(Gasps)

(Whispers)
Sh shh, shh, shh.

(Whispers) You scared the crap
out of me!

Go back to upstairs.
I'll take care of this.

(Clatter)

No, no, no.

We're not doing that.

Give me the bat.

(Clatter in distance)

Shh!
Baby.

(Thud in distance)
(Gasps)

(Thud)

We're from New York!

Aah! (Gasps)

Dallas!

Drop your curtain rod!
It's just me.

Okay, go... go... go...
Go back to bed, sweetheart.

Should I bring their car around?

What? N... go.
Just go. Please.

Dallas, what are you... what are
you doing in my laundry room,

eating a ham and cheese?

This is a croque monsieur.

At 3:30 in the morning?

I'm an emotional eater,

and I was feeling
a little guilty.

(Sighs) For what,
touching my underwear

or macing me with lavender?

Well, I really
put you on the spot

when Dalia and I showed up
at your door.

And you had every right
to throw that hissy fit earlier.

(Chuckles) Right, I don't know
if I'd call it a hissy fit.

Yeah, it was.

Well, I guess I did lose
my cool a little.

It's been a long time
since I've...

Shared my space with anyone,
you know?

Well,
it's hard doing it alone.

I mean, Steven travels so much,
he's gone more than he's here.

Sometimes I feel like
a single parent.

So a croque monsieur, huh?

I mean, I don't know. It looks
like a ham and cheese to me.

To the layman.

(Chuckles)

(Crunches)

Ooh, la la. (Laughs)

(Laughs)

Dalia and I survived
the night,

but the next morning,

we were anxious to put
our sleepover behind us.

Well, I hate ugly good-byes,
but...

Good-bye, ugly.

(Gasps)
And... voila.

(Gasps)

Next weekend,
I'll make you French toast.

Next weekend?

Oh, no. Next weekend is
the apple festival, right?

Oh, yeah. I can't wait.

You really think the girls
are gonna like it, though?

No, the girls won't like it.

Oh, it's the apple festival.

They have a hayride
that takes you

right to the chowder festival.

(Laughs) Oh, really? Wow.

I had no idea there were
so many festivals here.

Oh, yes, honey.
Every weekend.

Our families are gonna have
so much fun together.

George left me
with no other choice.

I had to plan my escape.

When planning an escape,

It is important to have
someone else in on the job...

Someone without a moral code.

Hey, Dalia, wait up.

Take a lap.

Look, you don't wanna
spend time with me,

and I don't wanna
spend time with you...

And I don't wanna
spend time with you, either.

Right.

So I've got a plan.

Are you gonna
fake a pregnancy?

Kenzie faked a pregnancy
last year

to get out of Earth science.

No, but...

Let's keep that idea
in our back pocket.

She got a lot of
really cute stuff for the baby.

She faked a girl.

My plan's
a little different.

If good behavior couldn't
get me out early,

maybe bad behavior would.

(Blows whistle)

Listen, I talked
to a few more neighbors

about the panic room idea.

Oh, you know what? I appreciate
you putting the word out,

but I've been sort of
rethinking that whole thing.

Well, I wish you would've told
me before I put the word out.

(Laughs) What... what happened?
Suddenly you don't like money?

Mm... no.

I feel like I'm taking advantage
of people's fears.

Look, dentistry... no,
the whole medical industry

is based on fear.

Fear is what bought me

a summer home
in the finger lakes.

(Laughs)

These people are our neighbors,
you know?

We're supposed to look out
for each other.

Isn't that the whole reason
people live in the suburbs?

That and the festivals.

Javier, see if they have a dozen
of these in the dove gray.

Jeremy, I love those frames.

So the dolls are still gone.

Uh-huh.

My mom's a basket case.
She can't sleep. She paces.

I've never seen her so miserable.

Would you call this
a tortoise?

Doll thief!

Me?

I accuse you, Tessa Altman,

of stealing
that weird woman's dolls!

That's not true.
Right, Tessa?

(Students murmuring)

You're accusing me of being
the notorious Chatswin burglar?

(Loudly)
Did you hear that, Mr. Wolfe?

Get to class, Jeremy.
(Boy) Yeah, right.

What up? What's going down?

Tessa stole the dolls.
I know for a fact she did it.

She bragged about it
last night

when I slept over
in her tiny, gross room.

Whoa. The last thing
anyone wants is a girl fight.

There must be some mistake.

(Chuckles) There is no way
my daughter stole dolls.

I understand how comforting
denial can be.

I often endorse it
for our obese students.

But in this case,
she confessed.

Wh... what? What?

It's true.

I did it.

You stole Shirley temple dolls?
Really?

Yeah.

I don't know why.

Maybe I'm bored

or maybe
I've been acting out.

Maybe the suburbs aren't as good
for me as you thought they were.

She was always an outsider.

I was, and I tried.

I... I really did.

But maybe...

I don't know. This is just
me spitballing here, but...

Maybe we should move back
to New York,

where we belong.

Well...

It's something to consider.

Best of luck to you, Tessa.

You really brightened
these hallways.

Oh, and all yearbook preorders
are nonrefundable.

Outside company.
Nothing I can do.

Had I gotten away
with the perfect crime,

or was I being played like
a game of "words with friends"?

Wonder if I should
swing by the post office,

pick up
a change of address form?

You can do that online.

Oh. That'll make it easy.

Look at this! Perfect crime.

Yeah, there's just one thing
we need to do first.

Awe, "words with friends"!

(Whirs)

Tiny overalls.
Hand-stitched.

Breaks my heart.

(Sighs)

Maybe there's someone out there
who can use them.

Another collector or...

Someone with a pet monkey.

Maybe a small farmer.

Tessa, isn't there something
you'd like to say...

To Sheila?

Oh, this really doesn't seem
like a good time.

Oh, no, please.

I need to focus on something
other than the Shirleys.

Well, it's about the Shirleys.

I took them.

You took my girls?

Tessa.

(Voice breaks)
Have I done something to you,

injured you in some way?

No. It's not that.

Because if I have,
I am truly sorry.

Because I realize now for you to
do something so wicked to me,

I must have done something
even more wicked to you.

(Door opens)

You did, mother...

(Door closes) But not to her.
To me.

So if you want to apologize,
I'm listening.

After everything
I have done for you?!

What have you... wh...
What have you ever done for me,

except crush my spirit,
take away my dessert,

give my cat up
for adoption?!

- (Sheila) Mr. Whiskers...
-Lisa did the crime,

but something told me I was
going to serve the time.

So, when did you figure me out?

(Lisa) Look at all this! Ryan, Ryan, Ryan,
Ryan, Shirley, Shirley, Ryan.

The moment you were born?

Where the hell is tub?

So there's, like, zero chance
we're moving back to New York?

Less than that.

(Sighs)

(Lisa) ...
I need to, believe it or not.

You have every right
to punish me.

If I miss out
on the Chowder festival,

it is my own damn fault.

Which part of "from the moment you
were born" did you not understand?

All I could think about was,

if my bedroom smelled that bad
after Dalia ate pizza,

what the hell was the car ride
home from the Chowder festival

gonna be like?