All language subtitles for Suburgatory Season 1 EPS (3)

In the animal kingdom,

when a young primate is
without its mother...

A neighboring matriarch will
often assume responsibility.

What's this?

Are you kidding?

Again with the no pudding.
This is absurd.

Who made you that lunch?

The thing is, dad was
pretty territorial himself.

I don't know, George.
One of the moms.

Which mom?

Sheila? Was it Sheila Shay?

Okay, look, sometimes Sheila
makes me lunch,

and it's usually pretty good.

She's a magician
with the chicken salad.

A magician? Really?

Yeah, but recently, she's been
crapping out on the pudding,

- and...
- I'm not sure how to broach it.

You don't think it's a little
weird that she makes you lunch...

You're the one who wanted
to move here. Not me.

When I leave you lunch money
every day?

Almost every day.
You forgot twice last week.

But it's not a big deal, George.
On the days you forget,

I either go
surrogate brown bag,

or I withdraw cash

from the college fund
that Sheila started in my name.

I mean, you're kidding.

It's a very robust account.

- Throws off...
- A lot of interest.

It wasn't just the college fund
that was bothering dad.

Thank you, George.

The neighborhood thanks you.

- It was Sheila Shay.
- Ha!

You missed a spot.

She said she was
just being "neighborly,"

but it was pretty obvious
she was trying to co-parent,

one capful at a time.

Get your bag.

I'm driving you
to school today.

Are you sure?
Because Sheila offered.

Get your bag.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

Let's get involved, moms.

Without the "P,"
we're just "T" and "A."

Hey, step it up, Karen.
All hands on deck.

What deck?

Oh, George! Hey. I'm just doing
a little P.T.A. recruitment.

We lost Joann Junebach.

She was the one who was arrested
for giving her daughter Botox.

She gave her daughter Botox?

Anyhoo, Joann lost custody,

and after that,
she really fell apart.

Well, sure. I imagine,
losing your daughter...

No, I'm talking about
her daughter.

Without the Botox,
she fell apart.

15 going on 50.

I swear, the saddest thing.

She got these...

And then she got these...

Tessa! All good on lunch?

All good on lunch.

- Oh, all good on lunch, Sheila.
- Bye, honey.

Bye.

Look, I-I-I really appreciate
the gesture,

but you don't need
to do that anymore.

I've got it covered.
You can stop.

It's my sincere pleasure,
George.

N-no. I don't think
you understand.

What I'm saying is I want you to stop.

I understand what you're saying,
but I'm not gonna stop.

Bye, mom.
See, as President of the P.T.A.,

I see all the children
as my own.

- I said bye.
- That's why each and every one of them

gets my undivided attention.

I'm going to class.

All right! You're going to class.
Congratulations.

I'll see you at pickup, honey.

You know, maybe I should
join the P.T.A.

Sounds... sounds like a fun way

for a hands-on parent such as
myself to get involved.

- You in the P.T.A.?
- God, no.

Are you telling me
I cannot join the P.T.A.?

No, I'm telling you
you shall not join the P.T.A.

- I can't?
- You shan't.

Oh, but I shall, Sheila.

The thing is,

I shall.

My, this is getting
downright elizabethan.

The school hallway can be
a hostile environment,

so I decided to take a cue

from the giant mudskipper
of Borneo

and burrow
in the girls' room.

Tessa, can I come in?

What are you doing
in the girls' room?

I could ask you the same thing.

Tessa, your third period is
an elective.

I know. I elect to read...
In the bathroom.

There are many enriching
electives to choose from...

Day trading...

Flat-ironing...

Drama...

Because I said
that I was into him,

and you both went for him
anyway.

- We didn't go for him, Kimantha.
- He went for us, Kimantha.

Kaitlyn, Kenzie,
you skanks are real whores.

- You're a whore!
- No, you're a whore!

You're a whore.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid
dealing with the K.K.K.

- You're a whore!
- No, you're a whore.

Kenzie, Kaitlyn,
and Kimantha.

- You're both whores.
- Okay...

Tessa, I'm stumped.

What kind of elective
are you interested in?

Do you have anything unpopular
and poorly supervised?

School newspaper.
But you don't want that.

Don't I?

Located in the basement,

"the Chatswin chronicle" was the
perfect place...

to fly below radar.

Hello?

Hello.

Hey. I'm Tessa.

I signed up
for the school newspaper

as an elective or whatever.

Look, I don't know
what you're expecting,

but you're gonna need
to lower your expectations.

I think we're good.
I expect nothing.

No one reads
"the Chatswin chronicle."

They line the hamster cage
with it in the science lab.

They clean up vomit with it
in the cafeteria.

I'm told they use
three copies

to steady a table leg
in the teachers' lounge.

I think that hurts the most.

So if no one reads it,
why do you publish it?

Um, because I believe?

That's why I dedicate
all my free time to the paper.

Except Wednesday nights.

What's Wednesday nights?

That's when
the "medium" fan club meets

to re-enact scenes
from the TV show "medium."

If the school paper
wasn't already unpopular,

this kid's name on the masthead
wasn't gonna help.

Ladies, I would like
to introduce everyone

to our newest and only member
with a member...

George Altman.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, I-I-I promise not to hold
my membership against you.

Oh!

All right,
can we settle, please?

Can we focus up and settle?

Can I have all eyes up here,
please, and settle?

First order of business...

Ah! Has Tessa Altman
had all of her shots?

Is she up to date
on her immunizations?

You're kidding me.

Well, we know that you tend
to be a little busy.

Okay, you know what?

I may not mother the way
you mothers mother,

but I am a caring
and responsible parent.

And, yes, I also happen
to be a working parent.

In case you've never met one
before, hello. How do you do?

How do you do?

And working parents
sometimes forget things,

and sometimes they run late,

but that is because we are
juggling more than you.

George.

How dare you.
We work very hard.

With all due respect,
the P.T.A. is not a job.

It's a club.

And certain
club members need to realize

that life isn't all
lemon bars and lemonade.

Although
these are top-notch.

Also,
the lemonade is very good.

You are out of order,
George.

What's the matter, Sheila?

Not enjoying my unsolicited opinions
and overbearing presence?

All right, you know what?
That's it! I am gaveling you!

You are being gaveled!

You're gaveling me? Maybe it's
time somebody gaveled you.

Oh. Oh.

The P.T.A. has not
been this exciting

since Konnie Kushell
had her psychotic break.

Ooh, which one's Konnie?

Right here.

So you're gonna
drop out, right?

No. No. If I quit
the P.T.A. now, Sheila wins.

I just don't understand it.
Women usually like me.

George,
cucumber-infused washcloth?

- I'm fine.
- Yeah, you are.

Seriously, though, man,

what do you think
I should do?

Well, if I were you,
I'd ask her out.

What? Sheila?

No. Jocelyn the washcloth girl.
Man, what is wrong with you?

You are so obsessed
with M.I.L.F.S,

that you don't even notice
the I.L.F.S.

Malik needed
some honest feedback,

and honestly,
"the Chatswin chronicle"

was as lame as the way
he spent Wednesday nights.

And I see you spent
a full page here

on the cafeteria menu.

Hey, I broke
"no more fish tacos"

a full week
before the announcement.

Cool.

I know. And still, no one reads
"the Chatswin chronicle."

"Chronicle's"
not even a word.

It is a word.

"Chronicle" sounds like
something on the side of a boat.

You mean "barnacle"?

Maybe we should change
the name of the paper.

It's obviously
confusing some people.

Yeah, and also, it's boring.

But, you guys, seriously,
you know who has fat knees?

Hannah Mccleary. And it's weird
because the rest of her is thin.

Malik, that's the kind of stuff
these people care about,

not word jumbles.

But it's a newspaper.

Well, it was news to me
when I saw her fat knees.

Don't you see?

The reason these kids
aren't reading your paper

is because most of them are

gossipy, superficial,
mean-spirited materialists,

like Dalia.

Yeah. And you know what else?

I heard Terry Garsen
from Boys' Lacrosse

lost his virginity
to Stacy Unger from cheer,

and I know for a fact...

- She has cellulite.
- There you have it.

So you're saying if I want
people to read my paper,

all I have to do is trash
the kids we go to school with?

And I understand why you
might not want to do that...

I'm in!

Since I was forced
to take an elective,

i elected to help.

We can call it
"the Chatswin chatterer."

"Chatterer" is not a word.

I mean...

It is.

104.

George!
Oh, I'll be right back, hon.

George!

- George, hey!
- Hey.

I'm glad I caught you.

I want to talk to you
about something

that may be none of my business,
but also kinda is.

You need to drop out
of the P.T.A.

What? Why?

Today's meeting was
a total disaster,

in case you didn't notice.

You offended just about
every one of those women.

Yeah, well,
they offended me.

Individually,
they're harmless,

but when they work together,
they can be a real bitch.

I'm not gonna just disappear
because Sheila doesn't like me.

George, these women
are pack animals.

Hey, Beth.

And like it or not, you're never
gonna be a part of their pack.

Well, that's fine, but I'm not
quitting the P.T.A.

Those women are judging me,

and I have just as much right
to be there as they do.

Well, I suspect Sheila is gonna
do everything in her power

to make you feel otherwise.

Oh? Oh, really? Well, let me
assure you of one thing, Dallas.

In the... in the fight
between, uh,

Sheila Shay
and George Altman,

it's gonna be Altman.

You can't take those towels
off the property!

The next day,

"the Chatswin chatterer"
debuted as a hit.

Students expressed
their excitement

with the ultimate sign
of approval...

Speaking in acronyms.

O.M.G.!

L.M.A.O.!

O.M.G. I.M.H.O.,
this is photoshopped.

O.M.G. Did you see page four?
B.R.B.

O.M.G. T.M.I.

V.T.L.? H.H.I.S.!

"S. T.B.Y."

It's like a whole new take
on the word jumble.

Malik went from being the kid
people wanted out of the way

to the kid
people got out of the way of.

Sheila.

Great party.

I can't believe he had
the nerve to show up.

Okay, plan "B." Let's go.

Ladies!

Tonight we are united as moms.

Hear, hear.

And as moms,
we all know the stress

that carrying a child

can place on our chi
and on our chichi.

So tonight's activity

is a workout
which will do wonders

for your self-esteem
and... incontinence.

- Aah!
- Oh!

Oh!

Yeah.

Ow!

Whoo!

Bet you feel like
disappearing right about now.

Ha ha!

Oh, yeah!

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Ha ha.

Ahh.

What is she doing?

Morning routine?

Uh... oh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I-I tried, you guys,
but this isn't me. I'm not sexy.

Oh! Deena Doogan,
don't you dare say that!

You are so sexy!

Isn't she, everybody?

Thanks, guys, but, uh,
it's... it's really not true.

My, uh, husband and I
have not been intimate

in almost a decade.

I cook, I clean,
I-I do everything,

but he still doesn't want me.

It's because you do
everything for him.

That's the problem.

Men need to be needed.

- Your husband feels...
- Emasculated?

- Definitely.
- Marginalized?

- No question.
- Impotent?

I'm not a doctor, but look,

if you want him to want you,

just let him come to the rescue
every now and then.

That's all I'm saying.

This is ridiculous!

Are you moms gonna sit here
and take advice

about men from a man?

George may not have been
mom enough for Sheila,

but at that moment,

Sheila wasn't man enough
for the moms.

Hi. I have a question
about my husband.

- Me, too.
- Me, too.

We're not really done
talking about my situation.

One at a time, ladies.
Don't grab.

So wait. You joined the P.T.A.
so that you could

put a self-righteous mom
in her place,

and now you are the head of the
self-righteous moms?

What's up, Rhonda?

O.M.G. she looks 50!

No, no, no, no.
We have garage-a-palooza.

- Garage-a-palooza?
- It's a garage sale.

You sound crazy.

Okay, well, why don't you bring
a nice top to change into?

Uh, how about the pink one?

George wasn't the only one
who was changing.

I hardly recognized Malik
anymore,

and it wasn't just because
of "the Godfather" hat.

Are you coming
to the pep rally, Malik?

Kenzie's gonna do
a back handspring.

Wouldn't miss it
for the world!

I felt responsible.

I had totally upset
the ecosystem.

Hi, Tessa.

Hi, Tessa. I made you
a rice krispie treat.

Can you hold on to that?
I'm about to go pee.

Amberly saved you
the good stall.

I longed for the days
when I could hide out

in the handicapped stall
unnoticed.

Is this a bad time?

I just got a tip on a story
from Dalia, and it's ba-nay-nay.

Lisa Shay...
she's a thumb-sucker.

Dalia says she goes
to nonfiction

during study hall to do it.

Oh, my God! What was Dalia
doing in nonfiction?

Who cares? Front page
of "the Chatterer," bitches!

Malik,
we can't run this story.

It's messed up.

Yeah, well, everything
we publish is messed up,

and that was your idea,

and now the paper's a huge hit.
Ba-nay-nay.

Why do you keep saying that?

It's my new catchphrase.
You don't like it?

I hate it.

Well, I could try
banizz-nas... instead.

Stick with ba-nay-nay.

Okay, first order of business...

Uh, Rhonda.

My husband says he doesn't want
to go out because he's tired,

but then he spends the whole
night awake watching ESPN.

Oh, what he means is he's tired
of doing what you want to do.

And in the past, have you tried

engaging in hobbies
that he enjoys?

Mm-hmm. I've tried, but I don't
like Internet pornography.

George, Teacher Appreciation Day
is on Monday,

and we still haven't decided

on how we plan to show
our gratitude to the faculty.

Right. I think we should do it
by saying "thank you."

- With?
- Our mouths.

- And also?
- Hand gestures?

Individual rose bouquets.

Yes, of course,
individual rose bouquets.

Um, now in the past,

Sheila has harvested the rose
bouquets from her garden.

Perfect.

Ah. Sheila's no longer
with us.

Right. Okay. So who wants
to do the rose bouquets?

Nobody? Okay, fine.
I'll do it.

Um, but you're doing
the refreshments.

Well, I'll do the refreshments
and the rose bouquets.

But you still need
to finish my skylight.

George was quick learning
that life with the mothers

could be a real mother.

Malik was drunk with power.

It was time for him
to sober up.

Media mogul...

Or "medium"?

What?

Oh, just something
I'm working on.

What are you doing?
I thought we were friends.

I thought we were, too,

but I also thought we were
friends with Lisa Shay.

Why did you think we were
friends with Lisa Shay?

Because I live
across the street from her.

Guess what. I don't.

Look what's happened to you.

You used to have
journalistic integrity.

I mean, you were the reporter
who broke "no more fish tacos,"

and now you' going to rallies
with the K.K.K.

- The K.K.K.?
- Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.

The old Malik never would've
hung out with those girls.

Yeah, the old Malik
never would've been invited

to hang out with those girls.

I like the new Malik.
He's ballin'.

Well, I like the old Malik
because he wasn't ballin'.

He was just a nice guy...
I think.

Honestly, I haven't spent that
much time with the old Malik

but I wanted to.

Really? You wanted to?

I finished
last week's word jumble.

It says I get a free milk.

Thanks.

Hey, just a heads-up,

some people really care about
"the Chatswin chronicle,"

and they started a petition
to get it back.

I only have two signatures
so far,

and... they're both mine.

We're expecting a few more.

Lisa's petition got
two more signatures that day.

It turned out those were
the only two she needed,

and with "the Chatswin
chronicle" restored,

it was time to focus my efforts
on dad.

We're out of juice,

and we've been out of juice
for, like, a week.

He had stopped hunting
and gathering.

I'm sorry, honey.

The P.T.A. thing...
It's consuming all of my time.

And all of our bread,
apparently,

because we are out
of that, too.

Oh. Us moms had this duck
charity thing down at the pond.

The baby mallards
are beyond cute.

We are spiraling out of control
here, George.

You're talking
about baby ducks

and spending all your time
with middle-aged women.

What?

Don't you think it's time
you hung up those mom jeans

and went back to being a dad?

These aren't mom jeans. I've got them
from a garrage sell.

Yeah, but whose garage sale,
George?

Whose garage sale?

Rhonda's. I got them
at Rhonda's garage...

I'm wearing Rhonda's jeans.

I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, Sheila.
You were right.

The P.T.A. is not for me,
so go on, please.

I'm not sure I want it,
George.

I have rather been enjoying
my free time.

I've been working
on my suntan.

I have read
"the lovely bones."

Why, just yesterday,
I tried black cherry soda.

Oh, well, that is
a delicious flavor of soda,

but seriously, Sheila,

I can't give these women
what they need.

You have to come back.

I don't have it in me.
Not anymore.

Fine.

Well, I hope
at the very least,

you'll attend our P.T.A. picnic
at Redmond field.

Redmond field? That's right
next to the petrol station.

Think of the fumes!

See, that's just the thing.

Sheila, I-I-I-I didn't think
of the fumes.

You did.

You always think
of the fumes.

Visit adjourned.

Oh, and, George, you wear
the hell out of those jeans.

All right, I'm leaving
for work in five.

You want me to pack you
a lunch today,

or are you gonna buy
something at school?

Oh, it says here the special
is beef Stroganoff.

I know.

I helped break that story.

Wow. Princeton's
gonna be really impressed.

Mm.

I'm not going to college.

Yeah, you are.

No, seriously.
I-I decided I'm not going.