Original subtitles

In the animal kingdom,

when a young primate is without its mother...

A neighboring matriarch will often assume responsibility.

What's this?

Are you kidding?

Again with the no pudding. This is absurd.

Who made you that lunch?

The thing is, dad was pretty territorial himself.

I don't know, George. One of the moms.

Which mom?

Sheila? Was it Sheila Shay?

Okay, look, sometimes Sheila makes me lunch,

and it's usually pretty good.

She's a magician with the chicken salad.

A magician? Really?

Yeah, but recently, she's been crapping out on the pudding,

- and... - I'm not sure how to broach it.

You don't think it's a little weird that she makes you lunch...

You're the one who wanted to move here. Not me.

When I leave you lunch money every day?

Almost every day. You forgot twice last week.

But it's not a big deal, George. On the days you forget,

I either go surrogate brown bag,

or I withdraw cash

from the college fund that Sheila started in my name.

I mean, you're kidding.

It's a very robust account.

- Throws off... - A lot of interest.

It wasn't just the college fund that was bothering dad.

Thank you, George.

The neighborhood thanks you.

- It was Sheila Shay. - Ha!

You missed a spot.

She said she was just being "neighborly,"

but it was pretty obvious she was trying to co-parent,

one capful at a time.

Get your bag.

I'm driving you to school today.

Are you sure? Because Sheila offered.

Get your bag.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com

Let's get involved, moms.

Without the "P," we're just "T" and "A."

Hey, step it up, Karen. All hands on deck.

What deck?

Oh, George! Hey. I'm just doing a little P.T.A. recruitment.

We lost Joann Junebach.

She was the one who was arrested for giving her daughter Botox.

She gave her daughter Botox?

Anyhoo, Joann lost custody,

and after that, she really fell apart.

Well, sure. I imagine, losing your daughter...

No, I'm talking about her daughter.

Without the Botox, she fell apart.

15 going on 50.

I swear, the saddest thing.

She got these...

And then she got these...

Tessa! All good on lunch?

All good on lunch.

- Oh, all good on lunch, Sheila. - Bye, honey.

Bye.

Look, I-I-I really appreciate the gesture,

but you don't need to do that anymore.

I've got it covered. You can stop.

It's my sincere pleasure, George.

N-no. I don't think you understand.

What I'm saying is I want you to stop.

I understand what you're saying, but I'm not gonna stop.

Bye, mom. See, as President of the P.T.A.,

I see all the children as my own.

- I said bye. - That's why each and every one of them

gets my undivided attention.

I'm going to class.

All right! You're going to class. Congratulations.

I'll see you at pickup, honey.

You know, maybe I should join the P.T.A.

Sounds... sounds like a fun way

for a hands-on parent such as myself to get involved.

- You in the P.T.A.? - God, no.

Are you telling me I cannot join the P.T.A.?

No, I'm telling you you shall not join the P.T.A.

- I can't? - You shan't.

Oh, but I shall, Sheila.

The thing is,

I shall.

My, this is getting downright elizabethan.

The school hallway can be a hostile environment,

so I decided to take a cue

from the giant mudskipper of Borneo

and burrow in the girls' room.

Tessa, can I come in?

What are you doing in the girls' room?

I could ask you the same thing.

Tessa, your third period is an elective.

I know. I elect to read... In the bathroom.

There are many enriching electives to choose from...

Day trading...

Flat-ironing...

Drama...

Because I said that I was into him,

and you both went for him anyway.

- We didn't go for him, Kimantha. - He went for us, Kimantha.

Kaitlyn, Kenzie, you skanks are real whores.

- You're a whore! - No, you're a whore!

You're a whore.

Yeah, I'd like to avoid dealing with the K.K.K.

- You're a whore! - No, you're a whore.

Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.

- You're both whores. - Okay...

Tessa, I'm stumped.

What kind of elective are you interested in?

Do you have anything unpopular and poorly supervised?

School newspaper. But you don't want that.

Don't I?

Located in the basement,

"the Chatswin chronicle" was the perfect place...

to fly below radar.

Hello?

Hello.

Hey. I'm Tessa.

I signed up for the school newspaper

as an elective or whatever.

Look, I don't know what you're expecting,

but you're gonna need to lower your expectations.

I think we're good. I expect nothing.

No one reads "the Chatswin chronicle."

They line the hamster cage with it in the science lab.

They clean up vomit with it in the cafeteria.

I'm told they use three copies

to steady a table leg in the teachers' lounge.

I think that hurts the most.

So if no one reads it, why do you publish it?

Um, because I believe?

That's why I dedicate all my free time to the paper.

Except Wednesday nights.

What's Wednesday nights?

That's when the "medium" fan club meets

to re-enact scenes from the TV show "medium."

If the school paper wasn't already unpopular,

this kid's name on the masthead wasn't gonna help.

Ladies, I would like to introduce everyone

to our newest and only member with a member...

George Altman.

Oh, wow. Okay.

Well, I-I-I promise not to hold my membership against you.

Oh!

All right, can we settle, please?

Can we focus up and settle?

Can I have all eyes up here, please, and settle?

First order of business...

Ah! Has Tessa Altman had all of her shots?

Is she up to date on her immunizations?

You're kidding me.

Well, we know that you tend to be a little busy.

Okay, you know what?

I may not mother the way you mothers mother,

but I am a caring and responsible parent.

And, yes, I also happen to be a working parent.

In case you've never met one before, hello. How do you do?

How do you do?

And working parents sometimes forget things,

and sometimes they run late,

but that is because we are juggling more than you.

George.

How dare you. We work very hard.

With all due respect, the P.T.A. is not a job.

It's a club.

And certain club members need to realize

that life isn't all lemon bars and lemonade.

Although these are top-notch.

Also, the lemonade is very good.

You are out of order, George.

What's the matter, Sheila?

Not enjoying my unsolicited opinions and overbearing presence?

All right, you know what? That's it! I am gaveling you!

You are being gaveled!

You're gaveling me? Maybe it's time somebody gaveled you.

Oh. Oh.

The P.T.A. has not been this exciting

since Konnie Kushell had her psychotic break.

Ooh, which one's Konnie?

Right here.

So you're gonna drop out, right?

No. No. If I quit the P.T.A. now, Sheila wins.

I just don't understand it. Women usually like me.

George, cucumber-infused washcloth?

- I'm fine. - Yeah, you are.

Seriously, though, man,

what do you think I should do?

Well, if I were you, I'd ask her out.

What? Sheila?

No. Jocelyn the washcloth girl. Man, what is wrong with you?

You are so obsessed with M.I.L.F.S,

that you don't even notice the I.L.F.S.

Malik needed some honest feedback,

and honestly, "the Chatswin chronicle"

was as lame as the way he spent Wednesday nights.

And I see you spent a full page here

on the cafeteria menu.

Hey, I broke "no more fish tacos"

a full week before the announcement.

Cool.

I know. And still, no one reads "the Chatswin chronicle."

"Chronicle's" not even a word.

It is a word.

"Chronicle" sounds like something on the side of a boat.

You mean "barnacle"?

Maybe we should change the name of the paper.

It's obviously confusing some people.

Yeah, and also, it's boring.

But, you guys, seriously, you know who has fat knees?

Hannah Mccleary. And it's weird because the rest of her is thin.

Malik, that's the kind of stuff these people care about,

not word jumbles.

But it's a newspaper.

Well, it was news to me when I saw her fat knees.

Don't you see?

The reason these kids aren't reading your paper

is because most of them are

gossipy, superficial, mean-spirited materialists,

like Dalia.

Yeah. And you know what else?

I heard Terry Garsen from Boys' Lacrosse

lost his virginity to Stacy Unger from cheer,

and I know for a fact...

- She has cellulite. - There you have it.

So you're saying if I want people to read my paper,

all I have to do is trash the kids we go to school with?

And I understand why you might not want to do that...

I'm in!

Since I was forced to take an elective,

i elected to help.

We can call it "the Chatswin chatterer."

"Chatterer" is not a word.

I mean...

It is.

104.

George! Oh, I'll be right back, hon.

George!

- George, hey! - Hey.

I'm glad I caught you.

I want to talk to you about something

that may be none of my business, but also kinda is.

You need to drop out of the P.T.A.

What? Why?

Today's meeting was a total disaster,

in case you didn't notice.

You offended just about every one of those women.

Yeah, well, they offended me.

Individually, they're harmless,

but when they work together, they can be a real bitch.

I'm not gonna just disappear because Sheila doesn't like me.

George, these women are pack animals.

Hey, Beth.

And like it or not, you're never gonna be a part of their pack.

Well, that's fine, but I'm not quitting the P.T.A.

Those women are judging me,

and I have just as much right to be there as they do.

Well, I suspect Sheila is gonna do everything in her power

to make you feel otherwise.

Oh? Oh, really? Well, let me assure you of one thing, Dallas.

In the... in the fight between, uh,

Sheila Shay and George Altman,

it's gonna be Altman.

You can't take those towels off the property!

The next day,

"the Chatswin chatterer" debuted as a hit.

Students expressed their excitement

with the ultimate sign of approval...

Speaking in acronyms.

O.M.G.!

L.M.A.O.!

O.M.G. I.M.H.O., this is photoshopped.

O.M.G. Did you see page four? B.R.B.

O.M.G. T.M.I.

V.T.L.? H.H.I.S.!

"S. T.B.Y."

It's like a whole new take on the word jumble.

Malik went from being the kid people wanted out of the way

to the kid people got out of the way of.

Sheila.

Great party.

I can't believe he had the nerve to show up.

Okay, plan "B." Let's go.

Ladies!

Tonight we are united as moms.

Hear, hear.

And as moms, we all know the stress

that carrying a child

can place on our chi and on our chichi.

So tonight's activity

is a workout which will do wonders

for your self-esteem and... incontinence.

- Aah! - Oh!

Oh!

Yeah.

Ow!

Whoo!

Bet you feel like disappearing right about now.

Ha ha!

Oh, yeah!

Huh? Huh?

Huh?

Ha ha.

Ahh.

What is she doing?

Morning routine?

Uh... oh.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I-I-I tried, you guys, but this isn't me. I'm not sexy.

Oh! Deena Doogan, don't you dare say that!

You are so sexy!

Isn't she, everybody?

Thanks, guys, but, uh, it's... it's really not true.

My, uh, husband and I have not been intimate

in almost a decade.

I cook, I clean, I-I do everything,

but he still doesn't want me.

It's because you do everything for him.

That's the problem.

Men need to be needed.

- Your husband feels... - Emasculated?

- Definitely. - Marginalized?

- No question. - Impotent?

I'm not a doctor, but look,

if you want him to want you,

just let him come to the rescue every now and then.

That's all I'm saying.

This is ridiculous!

Are you moms gonna sit here and take advice

about men from a man?

George may not have been mom enough for Sheila,

but at that moment,

Sheila wasn't man enough for the moms.

Hi. I have a question about my husband.

- Me, too. - Me, too.

We're not really done talking about my situation.

One at a time, ladies. Don't grab.

So wait. You joined the P.T.A. so that you could

put a self-righteous mom in her place,

and now you are the head of the self-righteous moms?

What's up, Rhonda?

O.M.G. she looks 50!

No, no, no, no. We have garage-a-palooza.

- Garage-a-palooza? - It's a garage sale.

You sound crazy.

Okay, well, why don't you bring a nice top to change into?

Uh, how about the pink one?

George wasn't the only one who was changing.

I hardly recognized Malik anymore,

and it wasn't just because of "the Godfather" hat.

Are you coming to the pep rally, Malik?

Kenzie's gonna do a back handspring.

Wouldn't miss it for the world!

I felt responsible.

I had totally upset the ecosystem.

Hi, Tessa.

Hi, Tessa. I made you a rice krispie treat.

Can you hold on to that? I'm about to go pee.

Amberly saved you the good stall.

I longed for the days when I could hide out

in the handicapped stall unnoticed.

Is this a bad time?

I just got a tip on a story from Dalia, and it's ba-nay-nay.

Lisa Shay... she's a thumb-sucker.

Dalia says she goes to nonfiction

during study hall to do it.

Oh, my God! What was Dalia doing in nonfiction?

Who cares? Front page of "the Chatterer," bitches!

Malik, we can't run this story.

It's messed up.

Yeah, well, everything we publish is messed up,

and that was your idea,

and now the paper's a huge hit. Ba-nay-nay.

Why do you keep saying that?

It's my new catchphrase. You don't like it?

I hate it.

Well, I could try banizz-nas... instead.

Stick with ba-nay-nay.

Okay, first order of business...

Uh, Rhonda.

My husband says he doesn't want to go out because he's tired,

but then he spends the whole night awake watching ESPN.

Oh, what he means is he's tired of doing what you want to do.

And in the past, have you tried

engaging in hobbies that he enjoys?

Mm-hmm. I've tried, but I don't like Internet pornography.

George, Teacher Appreciation Day is on Monday,

and we still haven't decided

on how we plan to show our gratitude to the faculty.

Right. I think we should do it by saying "thank you."

- With? - Our mouths.

- And also? - Hand gestures?

Individual rose bouquets.

Yes, of course, individual rose bouquets.

Um, now in the past,

Sheila has harvested the rose bouquets from her garden.

Perfect.

Ah. Sheila's no longer with us.

Right. Okay. So who wants to do the rose bouquets?

Nobody? Okay, fine. I'll do it.

Um, but you're doing the refreshments.

Well, I'll do the refreshments and the rose bouquets.

But you still need to finish my skylight.

George was quick learning that life with the mothers

could be a real mother.

Malik was drunk with power.

It was time for him to sober up.

Media mogul...

Or "medium"?

What?

Oh, just something I'm working on.

What are you doing? I thought we were friends.

I thought we were, too,

but I also thought we were friends with Lisa Shay.

Why did you think we were friends with Lisa Shay?

Because I live across the street from her.

Guess what. I don't.

Look what's happened to you.

You used to have journalistic integrity.

I mean, you were the reporter who broke "no more fish tacos,"

and now you' going to rallies with the K.K.K.

- The K.K.K.? - Kenzie, Kaitlyn, and Kimantha.

The old Malik never would've hung out with those girls.

Yeah, the old Malik never would've been invited

to hang out with those girls.

I like the new Malik. He's ballin'.

Well, I like the old Malik because he wasn't ballin'.

He was just a nice guy... I think.

Honestly, I haven't spent that much time with the old Malik

but I wanted to.

Really? You wanted to?

I finished last week's word jumble.

It says I get a free milk.

Thanks.

Hey, just a heads-up,

some people really care about "the Chatswin chronicle,"

and they started a petition to get it back.

I only have two signatures so far,

and... they're both mine.

We're expecting a few more.

Lisa's petition got two more signatures that day.

It turned out those were the only two she needed,

and with "the Chatswin chronicle" restored,

it was time to focus my efforts on dad.

We're out of juice,

and we've been out of juice for, like, a week.

He had stopped hunting and gathering.

I'm sorry, honey.

The P.T.A. thing... It's consuming all of my time.

And all of our bread, apparently,

because we are out of that, too.

Oh. Us moms had this duck charity thing down at the pond.

The baby mallards are beyond cute.

We are spiraling out of control here, George.

You're talking about baby ducks

and spending all your time with middle-aged women.

What?

Don't you think it's time you hung up those mom jeans

and went back to being a dad?

These aren't mom jeans. I've got them from a garrage sell.

Yeah, but whose garage sale, George?

Whose garage sale?

Rhonda's. I got them at Rhonda's garage...

I'm wearing Rhonda's jeans.

I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, Sheila. You were right.

The P.T.A. is not for me, so go on, please.

I'm not sure I want it, George.

I have rather been enjoying my free time.

I've been working on my suntan.

I have read "the lovely bones."

Why, just yesterday, I tried black cherry soda.

Oh, well, that is a delicious flavor of soda,

but seriously, Sheila,

I can't give these women what they need.

You have to come back.

I don't have it in me. Not anymore.

Fine.

Well, I hope at the very least,

you'll attend our P.T.A. picnic at Redmond field.

Redmond field? That's right next to the petrol station.

Think of the fumes!

See, that's just the thing.

Sheila, I-I-I-I didn't think of the fumes.

You did.

You always think of the fumes.

Visit adjourned.

Oh, and, George, you wear the hell out of those jeans.

All right, I'm leaving for work in five.

You want me to pack you a lunch today,

or are you gonna buy something at school?

Oh, it says here the special is beef Stroganoff.

I know.

I helped break that story.

Wow. Princeton's gonna be really impressed.

Mm.

I'm not going to college.

Yeah, you are.

No, seriously. I-I decided I'm not going.