All language subtitles for Suburgatory Season 1 EPS (21)

They say breakfast is
the most important meal

of the day...

But ever since
Noah's surrogate,

A.K.A.,
my dad's pregnant girlfriend,

moved in...

It was also the most awkward.

Pregnancy cravings?

No, I eat this every day.

It's a good source of energy
because it's live.

What's live?

My chia seed porridge,
silly.

You got a little...

Chia there.

You know what never gets
stuck in your teeth?

White icing.

- Good morning.
- Morning!

- Hi.
- Is it school picture day?

What?

Very funny.

I don't get it.

George usually comes
to breakfast

in old sweatpants
and a... nasal strip.

Thank you, Tessa.

I warmed up your icing
for you.

Thank you. I am starving.

"No! Don't do it, George.

"I'm so much healthier
and yummier.

Try me. I'm on the stove!"

Don't look at me.

It's the chia seed talking.

Did I miss something?

Eden's food is alive.

Her comic timing...

O-okay. You cooked...
You cooked this,

Okay. That's nice.

That's, uh, very rich
and earthy, uh...

George! I went to all this trouble.

Well, okay, wait a minute.

Best of both worlds.

"Help!"

"I'm drowning in a pool
of fructose!"

"I can't feel
my own goodness!"

How long are you
in town for?

So...

How long is she in town for?

- It's a fair question.
- Great. What's the answer?

I want to mark it down
on my calendar

with a big smiley face.

Okay. Well, late June
she should deliver,

so early July
she should be...

Could be leaving.

It might be
the middle of August.

I'm not exactly sure,
but whether it's

many, many weeks more
or only three weeks more

or... or six months
from when she moved in

or a year from
when she first conceived

or three months
from the middle of June...

So you haven't
discussed it yet.

No, we haven't talked
about that.

Have you discussed how long
she spends

in the bathroom
every morning

when I need
to get ready for school?

Look, I know it's annoying
having someone else

in your space telling you
what to eat and how to live

and... to not use
the Internet.

What?

She doesn't want us
to use the Internet.

- Because?
- Because she read a report

saying the wireless signal
causes fetal sterility.

She's worried about the baby,
having babies?

It would seem so, yeah.

But, hey, look, I know
it's a lot to put up with,

but it's not forever.

Right.

Just... three months or...

Many, many weeks

from the midsummer date
you refuse to commit to.

Right.

All right. Another great
scheduled visitation

with my unborn baby!

See you next visit.

Bells on!

And, Noah, you don't have to have your
office call to confirm. I'll be here.

Good stuff!
That's good stuff!

You are screwed.

Beg pardon?

She's got that baby wrapped
around her uterus.

She's got the uterus
wrapped around the baby.

That's how it's supposed
to be.

You're missing the point,
dum-dum.

She's in that baby's head
all day, every day.

She's got his ear,

and the male voice
he hears the most

belongs to George.

George.

He swears that
he only let Eden move in

to keep her from going back
to Montana,

but... a small part
of me wonders

if it wasn't
self-motivated.

A big part.
Almost all of me.

There is not one part of me
that does not feel that!

Then you need to keep
your baby close

and the people who carry
your baby closer.

If I were you,
I would double the length

of those scheduled visits.

Let that baby know
who his daddy is.

He'll know
who his daddy is.

Will he?

Yeah. He'll know.

- Who's his daddy?
- I am.

- Who's his daddy?
- I'm his daddy!

- Who's his daddy?
- I'm his daddy!

- Who's his daddy?!
- I'm his daddy!

- Who's his daddy?!
- Who's your daddy?!

You've never met!
He lives in Oregon!

Dalia, I've been looking
for my keys for 20 minutes,

and once again,
they were in the pouch

of penuche, your kangaroo.

He likes shiny things.

I'm well aware.
Your kangaroo is a klepto,

and yesterday, he kicked
Carmen in the gut.

She provoked him.

Dalia, face it.

Kangaroos weren't meant
to live

in spacious
mediterranean revivals.

So we'll move.

We are not movin'!

Kangaroo Jack is the one
who's movin'...

To the guesthouse.

But penuche isn't a guest.
He's family.

Can't we just lock up
the silver

like we do when
the service people are here

and make Carmen wear
a medieval suit of armor?

Well, it would be funny

to make Carmen wear
a medieval suit of armor...

But no! No, we can't.

Lord.

I suspect that's
the China cabinet.

He learned how
to open doors!

This is it, Dalia!
This is how the monkeys rose!

It's nice to have someone
cooking for us, right?

Are you kidding, George?
It smells like...

Sugar-coated yum-yum.

Sweet sugar yum-yum. Our tummies
are growling.

Nice save, George.

Introducing wheat meat.

I was worried
the extra corn would make

the loaf too loose,
but it didn't.

Yep. She's a firm one.

Come on, Tessa.
Let's dig in.

The wheat meat loaf
won't eat itself.

I don't blame it.

So how was school today?

They made texting
a language,

so I can officially drop
Spanish.

Okay, Tessa, now listen to me.
I hated French...

I mean,hated it...
But I stuck with it,

and now, if we were in Paris
and I had a sore throat,

I could tell someone.

So?

Tessa, your dad is right.

As Oliver Wendell Holmes said,

"language is the blood
of the soul

into which thoughts run..."
"Which... run..."

"And out of which..."
"Out of which..."

They grow."
"They grow," so...

That...

Doesn't resonate with me.

All right. Let's take a vote.
Whoever thinks Tessa should

continue to feed her soul
with, uh, the language blood,

raise your hand.

Is she even registered
to vote here?

She is now.

The food sucks,
there's no wi-fi,

and the two of them are
ganging up on me.

I have to get out
of this house, Lisa.

I'm counting down the days
until macrame camp.

I can't stand being
under the same roof

with the woman
formerly known as "mother."

Still harping
on the adoption stuff,

Yeah, and as soon as I get
my D.N.A. results back,

I can prove once and for all
that I am not a Shay.

Well, I have to figure out
an exit strategy of my own,

or you're gonna
have to box-weave me

a noose this summer.

They don't let us do
that any more,

but what if you came
to macrame camp with me?

I mean, I, for one,
can't wait

to weave my troubles
behind me.

Just picture it, Tess.

Cool wind in your hair...

The feeling of bristly yarn
against your fingertips,

the sound
of the interstate muted

by a thin line
of balding trees.

I don't know
if macrame camp is for me.

I'm more of a city girl.

Camp in New York?
The cost of thread alone...

What about an internship,
like, at a newspaper?

I have experience
on "the Chatswin chatterer."

I could live in Manhattan.

Do you actually think
your dad would allow that?

I don't know, Lisa.
It's complicated.

Something's gotta give.

The thing I love most
about her movies

is how sexually active
the older women are.

You guys were talking
Nancy meyers, right?

No one who still gets their period

is ever talking about Nancy meyers.

We were talking about camp.

Sports camp? Can't wait.

Sports camp?
Who's going to sports camp?

We're going to macrame camp.

I'm not going
to macrame camp.

We said we were spending
the summer together.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean
I'm going to macrame camp,

so unless you're gonna
box-weave me a noose...

They don't do that any more.

Picture it, Malik.

Cool wind in your hair...

I've gotta go.

The feeling of bristly yarn...

...but I had
the last laugh.

That summer,
I grew body hair,

and after that, no one could
call me "lady-pits."

Noah, I can't feel my legs,
and I have to pee.

You're leaning
on my bladder.

So we take a bathroom break.
I'm not completely unreasonable.

Empty out, and then
we'll travel to junior prom,

which I almost didn't attend!

The theme of my prom was "cats."

Noah!

Meow, meow. Meow, meow.

Enough.

I'm sorry! I just want the baby
to know who I am and to know

which cat I dressed up as
to the prom... rum tum tugger!

I'm sorry, Noah,
but time's up.

You've been here
for three hours,

and, frankly,
I've had enough! Okay?

Off you go.

"Off you go"? Don't talk like
that to me in front of the baby.

Look, I get that
you don't like me.

Frankly,
I got it a couple weeks ago

- when you moved out.
- I moved out

because you have no ability
to respect

other people's boundaries.

You are the one
with no respect for me.

You think that I'm going
to be a bad father,

but I'll tell you
something.

If you have seen me take care
of my sports car,

if you have seen me lint-brush
my cashmere cardigan,

then you have seen me care
for beautiful things,

and that baby is going to be
my most beautiful thing...

We hope.

I mean, you know,
my mother-in-law...

Textbook grotesque...

Rest her soul.

You're a piece of work.

Okay, the only fair way
to decide

which camp Malisa attends

is for each of you to sample
the other's passion.

Not that passion!

You can sample that passion
on your own time.

So if we're good
at the other person's passion,

we do have to go
to their camp or we don't?

Knot up, Malik,
and find your weave.

Sorry if that sounds racist.

Okay, so what should I make,
a key ring?

Yawn.

A friendship bracelet?
Overdone.

How am I supposed to...

Beweave in yourself.

Just beweave.

Yeah.
I like this stick.

It makes me feel powerful,
like a warrior!

Damn, girl!

Told you we should have explored
our passions outside.

My own escape plan
was ready to go.

My ink-jet, however...

Print, you stupid page.

Print!

Tessa?

Did you turn on
the wireless router?

No.

Look, I was just temporarily
on the Internet

for an important
academic endeavor.

"'Village voice' internship"?

That's not mine.

Okay, it's mine.
Please don't freak out.

- Why not?
- I love alternative weeklies.

I'm a huge slut for them.

You are?

My first internship was
on a sustainable farm

in Santa Cruz.

It was my job to pee
on the compost.

Someone's got to.

Or do they?

Before me, it was a job
that had only been done by men.

It took some real persistence
on my part,

but I proved that
the nitrogen in my urine

was just as good
as any man's.

Of course,
they paid me less.

But, hey, you got the job.

So do you have any advice
for me?

Apply in person. Let them put
a face to the name.

Okay. That's a good idea.

But the major obstacle here
is gonna be George.

Anytime I mention anything
about the city, he freaks out.

Well, let me talk to him
for you.

You just concentrate
on getting the gig.

Really?

Yeah.

Thanks, Eden.
That would be a big help,

and... can I ask you
one more favor?

No more chia seed voices?

Bingo.

So what's up?

Visit with Noah didn't go
very well today.

I kinda threw him out.

Well, I'm not surprised.

This pregnancy has
made him nuts.

He flared
his nostrils at me.

For the record,
he's been throwing a lot

of nostril around
these days.

I got an eyeful myself
the last time I saw him.

I think I was too blunt
with him.

No. That's what
I like about you.

You're a straight shooter.

I'm glad...

'Cause I shot super straight
with Tessa today

when she told me
she wanted to apply

for an internship
at "The Village Voice."

An internship?

I dropped her at the train so she
could walk her application in.

She's there right now.

She's there right now?

Are you mad?

Mad? What makes you think
I'm mad?

You keep answering me
in questions.

Do I?

I'm not mad.
I'm... confused.

- Confused?
- Yeah.

I'm confused as to who
in their right mind would give

someone else's kid permission
to do something like that?

Sorry.

I just got an urgent text,
so I'm gonna...

Leave abruptly and...

Not discuss this
any further.

Knock, knock.

You're not supposed
to be here.

I'm here to drop off
my application

for the summer internship
in person.

We don't take those
in person,

so you gotta go submit
that online.

Well, I was gonna submit
it online,

and then I thought,

"this is 'The Village Voice.'
Show some respect, Tessa."

I'm Tessa.

Troy. Editorial assistant.

Awesome.

Awesome.
That's really awesome.

You went to humanities?

Before we moved
to the suburbs, yeah.

You moved to the suburbs?

Major culture shock.

Well, that'd make
a great piece

for "The Village Voice,"
right?

My God.
Yeah.

Troy, I-I'd love to.

Well, creative decisions
aren't up to me,

but thanks for stopping by.

Troy?

I know you are a snide,
holier-than-thou urbanite.

That's what I love
about you,

and that's what I miss
about myself.

I really, really want
this internship.

I'll scrape gum
off your desk.

I will scrub your toilets.

I will trap rodents
in your sixth floor walk-up.

I live
in an elevator building,

but, we'll be in touch.

Okay.

Now just turn and walk away.

If he picks up your application
and looks at it,

he's interested.

He's interested.

George, thanks
for coming right over.

Actually, I was glad to get out
of my house for a minute.

What's going on?

That rude 'roo
ruined my rooms.

I rue the day
I agreed to a kangaroo.

He mangled my ming,
and he wiped his feet

on my best persian...
Gardener, not rug.

You know, you invite someone
into your home,

you expect them
to treat it with respect.

Exactly.

My... my roommate situation
isn't any better.

Eden totally overstepped
her boundaries with Tessa today.

Did she beat her?

N... did she...

No, she didn't beat her,
Dallas.

She just... she gave her
permission to do something

I never would have
said "yes" to.

So Tessa's not upset.
You are.

Well, trust me, George.
That's way better.

An angry teenager is worse
than a locust plague.

Dalia won't come out of her room

since I said her pet has
to live in the guesthouse.

Haven't seen her this upset
since she saw

the opening weekend numbers
for "Madea goes to jail."

Well, maybe Dalia's emotional
about having her pet sent away

because she recently lost
something else

that was important to her.

Her online access
to box office mojo?

I had to, George.

She's better off ignorant
like her dad.

You meant her dad.

Dallas, this is a sentence
I never thought I'd say,

but let the kangaroo live
in the main house.

Better you wreck your China

than your relationship
with your kid.

Well... Maybe you've
got a point there, George.

Boy. I'll tell ya,
it isn't easy doing

this whole parenting thing
on your own.

Yeah? I'm so used
to doing it on my own,

I have
the opposite problem.

It's tough
to let somebody else in.

I can't stress this
enough...

Communication is key.

Lord knows that's one thing that
Steven and I never got right.

Don't run away.
Go talk to her.

You're right.

You have that option.

Unlike our kangaroo,
Eden speaks English,

and she doesn't try
to kick you in the gut.

All right.

You sure you don't need help
with the rest of this?

Carmen will get it.

That woman loves
to clean up after us,

I swear.

Did you ever notice how
the two of us seem

to solve things when we get
in a room together?

Now that you mention it,
we do make a pretty good team.

Yeah. We're like
Mulder and Scully.

We certainly are.

It's a TV show.

I know, silly!
You're so funny.

Guess you'd better get home
to your girl... Scully?

Nope.

But I am terrible at lacrosse,

and you're a macrame superstar.

I'm good at everything.

I shouldn't be penalized
for that.

I want to go
to sports camp.

Who's thirsty?

Thanks, "mother."

You're welcome, "Lisa."

Now I can't help
but have overheard

your entire conversation
and taken a side.

Lisa, stand by your man.

Malik, that outfit is fly.

Fine. I give up.

Let's go
to stupid sports camp.

No.
I'll go to macrame camp.

You need this more than me.

I really do, Malik.
I really do.

I'm gonna weave you
a macrame bikini, girl.

You're gonna look good.

George, I feel terrible.

I stuck my nose in
where it didn't belong.

Eden, your nose belongs.

Mine just got a little
out of joint for a minute.

I'm sorry
I walked out on you,

but I gotta admit,
I am not used to having

someone else make decisions
for Tessa other than me.

I totally understand.
It's just...

You said I got a vote,
so I thought I got a vote.

Right. Okay.

Well, the, uh, the polls have
to be open...

And I really just don't think
they are on this one.

It's fine.
It's not my district.

I can totally just mind
my own business

where Tessa is concerned,
if that's what you want.

That's not what I want.

Hello. Welcome home.
S-so now you're...

You're perfectly happy
to have Eden chime in,

as... as long as she agrees
with you.

I could say the same thing
about you, George.

You were happy
to give her a vote

when it served your agenda.

Parenting is not an agenda,
Tessa, and I'm sorry,

but you are not spending
the summer in Manhattan.

- There.
- You dictator.

You are such a dictator!

Guys, I-I know we're still
technically trying

to determine if I'm allowed
to weigh in on this,

but I have an idea.

You can tell me to shut up
if you want to,

but what if Tessa
commutes...

Shut up.

Just trying
to lighten the mood. Continue.

Well, so what if Tessa
commutes...

Shut up! Sorry.
Shut up, please. Sorry.

I'm sorry.

I guess I just have a problem
with those two words...

"Tessa commutes"...
When they're together.

Are you finished?

So what if
your daughter travels

to the city to do
her internship,

but she comes home
at night to Chatswin...

- Shut up!
- Shut up.

And he gets you
a train pass.

That actually doesn't sound
like a bad compromise.

But then I won't be able
to hang out with my friends

after work
or go out at night

or do anything at all
in the city.

All I'll see is the inside
of an office building.

Yes, but a New York City
office building.

It could be a lot worse.
It could be a flat-out "no."

You should hear the slam
when it's a flat-out "no."

So what's up?

I wanted you to know
that I've decided

to eighty-six
the scheduled visitations

with Eden.

She doesn't enjoy them.

Frankly, they've become
uncomfortable.

Look, man, I'm sorry
if this is all my fault.

I-I really thought
having Eden move in was

the right decision,

but it seems like it just
pissed everyone off.

It'll be fine.
I'll give Eden some space.

I'll see my baby when it climbs
out of her doughnut hole.

"Her doughnut hole"?

I think you mean
her doughnut.

No, I don't.

A doughnut hole is
the actual hole in the doughnut.

Yeah?
Then how is it that

I can buy a dozen of them,
glazed or unglazed?

What you have been
purchasing, my friend,

are doughnut balls...

Deemed "doughnut holes"
by morons.

A-a hole is
a negative space.

Well, I think we can all agree
we're in a negative space.

What the hell is wrong
with this man?

Kiss her, Mulder. Kiss her!

Why the hell won't
he kiss her?!

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com