All language subtitles for Suburgatory Season 1 EPS (20)

And unlike a wooden hanger,
it will never depreciate.

Tessa: In Chatswin,

there was no end to what people
were willing to spend money on.

Noah had invested
in the best surrogate

that money could buy,
but in the process...

Whoa. Whoa. (Chuckles)
El Scorcho.

(Chuckles) Pretty heavy hand
with the pepper there.

He had become overly invested.

Pepper is quite healthful, Noah.
It's an antioxidant.

I'm very sensitive to spice.
Chances are, my baby is as well.

(Mouth full) If eat anything that upsets
the baby, I'll be the first to know.

I'm not so sure about that.

Us Werners tend to suffer
in silence.

(Utensil clinks)

The men do, anyway.

You know, I just find
Alicia keys to be

a very beautiful woman.
That's all.

(Mouth full) No one is arguing
with you, dad. No one.

Do we really have to talk
about this?

Your mother is distracted, Lisa,

so this is the perfect time
to talk about Alicia keys.

Hey, there she is.

(Mouth full) George!
I missed you.

Noah was protective
over his investment,

and the fact that
dad was dating her didn't help.

George! Come... pee with me.

What's with all
the sexual chemistry out there

between you and Eden?
I thought we had an agreement.

I didn't agree to not have
sexual chemistry with her.

Look at her, man. She's gorgeous,

and I'm crazy about her.

What?
What do you want me to do?

Picture her insides
full of blood and mucus

and baby bones.

I am so turned on
right now.

Not funny, George!
It's not.

Look, every time I close
my eyes,

all I can see is
my beautiful fetus

bathing in your germs
and your saliva.

It's like every time
you grope her,

you're groping my baby
with your meaty peasant hands!

How far have you gone?
Te me. Tell me the truth.

I told you.
We made out once.

Yeah, but not since the agreement, right?
Not since, right?

(Sighs) We're dating.
I've kissed her.

You kissed her where?
On her face?

On her mouth?
Inside her mouth?

Did you kiss her
inside her mouth, George?

Damn it! Tell me.
I have a right to know.

Noah, you're losing
your mind. Please relax.

I didn't want it to come
to this, but it has.

Things have gotten blurry,
too blurry.

(Sniffles) It's time that
we properly defined them.

Are you serious?
A contract? (Chuckles)

Okay, this...
This is crazy, man.

No. You're crazy, man.

Who dates a woman full of blood
and mucus and baby bones?

Look, it's everything
you agreed to when we shook.

This is just reshaking,
but with a pen.

Well, I'm a notary.
You know I'm a notary.

I didn't know.

Hello, Sheila.

As a concerned neighbor,
I feel it is my duty

to warn you about
the pitfalls of surrogacy.

That woman is a toxic spill

polluting the pristine waters
of your familial love.

(Turns off faucet)
Trust me, Jill.

I am speaking
from experience here.

Once she passes that placenta,
her hormones will plummet,

and so will her sanity.

Her sole focus will become stealing
your husband, your baby, or both.

She's probably fantasizing about pushing
you down a flight of stairs right now.

Always a pleasure, Sheila.

(Toilet flushes in distance)

Thank you, dear.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

(Alih Jay) ♪ last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

It's so cute,

and chef Alan is a chef,
so it's perfect!

Of course it's perfect.

It's as if
someone with crystal eyes

looked into your heart

and crystallized your love
for him.

Pricey, though.

Look, if you think
I'm gonna pressure you

into buying this 35-pound
crystal chef's hat, I'm not.

You're not?

Of course not.

This crystal was clearly
made for chef Alan.

If you don't buy it,
I'm sure somebody else will.

It would be a shame for that other
person to soak up all that glory...

I'll take it!

Somebody's gonna get
lucky tonight.

Girl, you are amazing.

No one pushes crystal rock
like you.

I have to admit,
it's a rush.

I never thought I'd be good
at this sort of thing,

and I am loving
my new disposable income.

Let me tell you,
as a newly independent woman,

earning your own money
is like

icing on the cake
of liberation!

Dallas, I think it's
really awesome, what you did.

Instead of getting depressed
about your divorce,

you decided
to try something new,

and... now look.

You're a huge success.

We're a huge success.

"Tessa Altman.

Ultimate sales manager
grand supreme."

I made up
that title myself.

Thank you, Tessa.

Thank you, Dallas.
(Door bells jingle)

(Growls)
Great to see you, hanson.

You're looking well.

(Growls)

And, Tessa...

Along with
your new promotion comes

a new crystal-encrusted
crystal cup of crystals uniform!

(Gasps)

- Is that a...
- A chiffon wristlet!

Thanks, Dallas.
It's amazing.

You're amazing.

I can see you following
in my footsteps someday.

George must be so proud
of how hard you're working.

Honestly, I haven't seen
much of my dad lately.

Oh, no?

In fact, George's romance
with Eden... Hey.

Was entering its
second trimester,

and I still hadn't even
met the woman.

You know,
if all these people planted

vegetables
instead of grass,

they could put a huge dent
in the world's hunger crisis.

You... that... that... that is
what I love about you.

I see a dude watering
his lawn,

and you see an opportunity
to heal the world.

I can't wait
for Tessa to meet you.

- Ooh!
- You all right?

Oh, man. (Chuckles)

That was a good one.
You okay?

Oh. You want to feel the baby kick?

Oh. No.
I shouldn't feel anything.

(Clicks tongue)

Oh. Was that...

(Laughs)

Cool. Yeah. I felt it.

You want
to feel something else?

- Baby bones!
- Oh.

What?

- Is everything okay, George?
- Mm hmm.

Because I feel like
you pull away every time I try

- to get intimate with you.
- Well, yes,

but that's usually only
when I have to go number two.

Oh.

(Clears throat)

That is intimate.

Look, until you've bathed
in a solid crystal bathtub,

you haven't bathed at all.

Hi. I...

It is one of those
over-the-top indulgences

that is worth every penny,
like an armored vehicle.

Just... think about it.

I have
other customers waiting.

(Sighs) You must be...

- Eden. Hi.
- Tessa Altman...

Ultimate sales manager
grand supreme.

Eden, did you meet...

The person who used to be
my daughter? (Chuckles)

Tessa,
what happened to you?

I got promoted. See?

Okay. Wow. Really?

Mm-hmm.

Is that what all these
boxes are about?

Kind of. Dallas said
I needed to step up my image

in order to invite success.

If I showed up to work
looking like you, George,

people would think I was there
to clean the floors,

which I'm not... (Chuckles)
Except for when we're closed.

Whoa.

This purse cost more
than every article of clothing

I have ever owned...
Combined.

I guess, economically,

you and I are
in different places, George.

Hmm.
It was great meeting you.

(Bluetooth rings)

Go for Tessa.
You changed your mind?

No, it's still available.
We need a 10% deposit.

I briefly take my eye off
the ball,

and she turns into Imelda Marcos.
(Sighs)

Oh, she seemed great.

What? She seemed awful.

The hair and the nails
and the shopping...

That is not Tessa.

I wouldn't be
too hard on her.

It sounds like
her friend Dallas

is the one pushing her
into this,

and that's
how teenagers are.

Oh, Dallas is
no teenager, though.

No,
she's a full-grown woman.

(Chuckles) Full-grown!

Oh. Well, it's very normal
for girls to pattern themselves

after the women
in their lives.

Sounds like Dallas
is her primary influence.

Well, that's kinda why
I wanted her to meet you.

Ohh.

Dernk! (Clears throat)

(Under breath) "Dernk"?

"I'm speaking
from experience"...

That's what Sheila Shay said
when I overheard her talking

in the bathroom,

and that sentence just kept
gnawing at me.

I knew
there was something to it.

There had to be,
so I went through every box

in the garage,
until I found this.

"Homeland adoption"?

Exactly.

Uh, I don't get it.

Why is the woman I call "mother"
driven into hysterics

because someone's using
a surrogate?

(Chuckles)
She's driven into hysterics

over people not putting Rosemary
in their chicken salad,

which is actually
really good. (Chuckles)

She's fixated on the idea

that someone can lay claim
to someone else's baby,

and why?

Because I'm adopted,

and after all these years,

my real mother has been
out there looking for me.

Seems a little far-fetched,
if you ask me.

My real mother could be
Tori Amos.

No.

Edie Brickell.

Have you seen
my fart joke book?

I got a big phone call
coming up,

and I need to make a joke
about a fart.

Get out of my room.

(Knock on door)

Hey. You got a sec?

Sure. What's up?

Well, I feel like
it's been ages

since we had a chance
to talk one-on-one.

Cut the cuticles
or just push back?

- Just push back, please.
- Okay.

Costs more for the home visits,
but it is worth it.

Ibiza's excellent.

Thank you.

You know you're allowed to save money, right?
It doesn't expire.

It's for work.

Dallas says, "our nails
are not just nails.

They are
crystal display sticks."

Are you sure
that wasn't Imelda Marcos?

I don't know what that means.

It turns out
there's a Fellini festival

a couple towns over...
Starts next Tuesday.

I was thinking
the three of us could go.

Uh, I'm not sure
Ibiza likes Fellini.

Too quirky for the sake
of being quirky.

I meant you, me, and Eden.

Oh! (Chuckles)
What day were you thinking?

- Any day.
- Ohh.

Any day is tough for me.
I work after school.

Well, couldn't you take
a day off?

It's been forever
since you and I have seen

a Fellini movie together.

Oh, that is great, Ibiza.

Fleshy nude? Yeah. Thanks.

Look, I don't... I don't have
my calendar with me.

How about you leave me
a voice mail with the details?

- I should be able to make June work.
- Yeah.

July at the latest.

Tessa is doing
such an amazing job.

I just wish
some of her work ethic

would rub off on Dalia.

Uh, oh, well... (Chuckles)

That's actually what I wanted
to talk to you about.

See, I'm worried Tessa may be
working too hard.

(Gasps) Oh, my gosh.

Has she fallen behind
on her studies?

- No.
- Does she seem physically stressed

or mentally exhausted?

Well, no, not really.

I just think
Tessa is getting

a little wrapped up
in the whole crystal business.

Well, yes,
she most certainly is.

She's
a little crystal superstar.

Yeah, but I feel like
she's missing out

on the opportunity
to care about things that

aren't made of crystal...
(Chuckles)

And to get to know Eden.

(Gasps) Eden. I see.

Well, George, this may be
none of my beeswax,

but I'm gonna share
a little advice

that Dalia's shrink
gave me...

"Lovers come and go,
so it's best not

"to bring 'em
around your kinder

until you're kinda sure
you're kindred."

Well, that's the thing,
Dallas.

I-I think
Eden and I may be kindred.

I mean, I hope we are.

Wow.

I didn't realize
you two were so serious.

Well, that's terrific,
George.

So... you'll help?

Well, of course I will.
(Chuckles)

I wouldn't want my business
standing in the way

of your blissness.

(Chuckles) Right.
Well, thank you, Dallas.

Mommy, your wi-fi sucks.

I know it does, honey.

What are you looking for?

Family secrets.

They keep those
in the potting shed.

(Door creaking)

(Creaks)

(Creaks)

Gotcha.

I feel
so much more comfortable

having
my pregnancy portrait done

now that
I'm not actually pregnant.

My pregnancy portrait
from last time looked so...

Fat. Yeah. No, I see it.

No, th-this pregnancy has
been kind to you.

I gotta say that.
You look fabulous.

I feel sensational.

Thanks again, Mrs. Shay,

for insisting on carrying
my produce.

Well, you know what they say
about lifting things

when you're pregnant...
Don't. (Laughs)

(Chuckles)
(Noah) Eden's home!

(Claps hands)
Just in time.

(Chuckles)

That was
an awfully warm welcome.

Do you want my belly
in the portrait?

No! No. No, no, no.

(Chuckles) I want to work on
some early language techniques

with the fetus.
(Raised voice) Hello, fetus!

(Normal voice) It's Dr.
Noah Werner... ohh.

A.K.A. Your dad.

Whoa. (Chuckles)

Uh, if you've been paying
attention in there,

you know that China is
the largest holder of U.S. debt,

so I think it's prudent that
you learn a little mandarin.

(Raised voice) "Ni hao"!

Noah, your baby doesn't
even have eyelashes yet.

I don't think
it's gonna learn Chinese.

If you really wanted
to be helpful,

you'd give me
a foot massage.

Carrying your baby around
is killer on the arches.

Really? I'm surprised.

Those lesbian clogs look
comfortable, if nothing else.

So, Eden, how are things
going with George Altman?

Good, I think. He got to feel
the baby kick the other day.

(Strained voice) He did?
That's... (Chuckles)

Ohh.

- (Eden) That's great, Noah.
- My.

Seems your husband has nearly
brought her to ecstasy.

I don't know if I'd say that,

but it is
a darn good foot massage.

I gotta scoot, though.

George and I are taking
Tessa to a movie.

No. No, no, no.
Not today you're not.

Uh, we have
the ultrasound scheduled.

That's not till next week.

We moved it up.

Our numerologist needs
to know the sex of the baby

so he can get started
on names.

I wish
you would have told me.

I'm telling you now.

Oh.

Next time, George,
I'd appreciate it

if you let me schedule
my own days off.

Well, Fellini waits
for no man.

Trust me, Tessa.

This is gonna be fun.
(Cell phone rings)

Hey, Eden.
We're almost there.

I'm sorry. I can't go.

Jill moved the ultrasound
without telling me.

(Jill) I'm telling you now!

Bummer. Well, I-I guess...

I guess they can't do that
without you, huh?

(Chuckles) Believe me,
I wish they could.

(Lowered voice) George,
they're acting really weird.

Jill's all uptight,

and I don't even know
what's going on with Noah.

Every time I mention
your name, he tweaks out.

(Noah) Is that George?!

Okay, ok...
You know what?

Maybe Tessa and I should come
with you for moral support.

Really?
You guys would do that?

Of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
W-we'll see you there.

Now I'm just missing work
to go watch your girlfriend

get her baby checked?

It'll be better
than Fellini.

It'll be Felliniesque.
(Chuckles)

Hello.
We're Fred and Sheila Shay,

and we would love to welcome
another special life...

(Voice breaks)
Into our home.

(Under breath)
Keep it together, Fred.

(Normal voice)
We love to travel.

Uh, yeah, we just went...
(Voice breaks) To Costa Rica.

We love waterskiing,

um, and we have a chr...
A strong Christian faith.

Uh, we've got
so much love to give.

Yeah. (Voice breaking)
So many blessings to share.

Won't you please
consider us?

Ohh.
Now you've got me going.

(Chuckles)

(Lisa) Disgusting.

Okay, it's weird.
I'll give you that,

but it's inconclusive.

Malik, they tricked
some poor acoustic songstress

with naturally curly hair
into giving me up...

With lies.

They don't water-ski.

Lisa,
even if you are adopted,

how is that gonna change
anything?

You're a Shay now.
That's all that matters.

(Scoffs) That is not
all that matters.

If I'm not biologically
related to my family,

then there's still hope.

I can grow up to be anyone.

Hey. Aren't we gonna
make out?

Malik, I'm obviously going
through some stuff right now.

Just handle
your own business, okay?

(Siren wailing in distance)

Wow. I've never had an audience
this big before. (Chuckles)

Well, some of us are having
a hard time respecting

other people's boundaries.

I couldn't agree more.

Oh, that... that is hilarious,
coming from you.

What is that supposed to mean?

You know exactly
what it's supposed to mean.

Tessa, if you keep looking
at the monitor,

you'll see the baby
in a minute.

Would someone like
to spread the jelly?

- Oh, I'll do it.
- I'll do it.

He wants
to touch her bare tummy.

Noah, don't touch
her bare tummy.

Why does he get to do it?
It's my baby in there.

It's fine. I-I'd be happy
to do it myself.

That's a great idea.

(Whispers) Sorry.

(Squirts)
(Inhales sharply)

Is that cold?

(George and Eden chuckle)

Can you talk a little bit about
the advantage of maintaining

a healthy sex life
during pregnancy?

I think it might put
someone's mind at ease.

My mind? Is she talking
about my mind?

I doubt she's talking
about your mind, Noah.

I'm talking about
George's mind. (Chuckles)

That's what the "dernk"
was about, wasn't it?

Sweetheart, uh, can we
talk about this later?

There was a dernk?
You dernked her?

Anyone want anything
from the vending machine?

Oh, I'll take
a gummy anything.

I'm gonna get something
really loud and crunchy

so I can't hear myself think.

A lot of fathers
are concerned

about sex
during pregnancy...

Oh, no. I'm not... I'm not...
I'm not concerned.

He's not the father!

But, truthfully,
it's fantastic for the baby.

It strengthens
the pelvic floor,

increases blood flow
to the uterus,

and at the height
of the sexual response cycle,

it's like a fun little roller
coaster ride for the baby.

I wouldn't put my baby
on a roller coaster.

- Why are you here?
- She's right.

I don't want my baby on a roller coaster.
It's dangerous.

Your baby has not been
on a roller coaster, okay?

He'd better not have been, because
we have a contract... (Sighs)

- And if there is a breach...
- The baby's not in breech.

I will take your car!

A contract?
What's he talking about?

I don't like the way
you're behaving, Noah.

It's like he's obsessed
with Eden.

Why are you here?

This contract was not my idea.

So that's why you don't want
to be intimate with me,

because you have
a contract with Noah?

Who does that?!

Excuse me. I-I don't mean
to interrupt,

but I think all the fighting
is stressing out the baby.

I'm not sure
if you guys can tell,

but he's covering
his little ears.

(George, Sheila, Jill, and Noah)
Oh.

(Whispers) Ohh.

This is insane.
A crazy person wrote this.

I know. I know, but when
Noah wants something,

he can be very intense.

(Chuckles) Yeah.
I've seen that firsthand.

I was just... I was trying
to preserve our friendship,

but after today,
I don't care.

All I care about
is being with you.

George, I can't live
like this.

That ultrasound image
will haunt me forever.

My only job is to make sure

that this baby has
a healthy and happy gestation,

and... I failed.

You didn't fail.

No, I-I mean, it's not me.

It's them.

I can't stay here,
not after what I saw today.

This house is toxic,
and for the good of the baby

and my own sanity,

I've gotta go back
to Montana.

Eden, I'm sorry,

but I can't let
that happen.

But I like working here,

and I like spending time with you.
(Whispers) Ohh.

(Normal voice) I like spending
time with you, too,

but it'll be part-time,
not full-time.

Tessa, nothing's
more important than family,

and you have to make time
for yours,

and from the sound
of things,

that might include
Eden now, too.

Dad can't dictate
who my family is.

I'm happy for him and all,
but I hardly know Eden.

She's just a...

Pregnant vagabond?
(Whispers) Ohh.

(Normal voice) Told myself
I wasn't gonna say that.

(Water runs, faucet turns off)

(Door closes)

Well, Dallas officially cut
my hours back.

Hope you're happy.

I'm not.

I-I-I went about it
the wrong way,

and I'm sorry, Tessa,

but I didn't like what
that money was doing to you,

and... and I want us to have
more family time at home.

Yeah?

I really, really hope
the motivation behind this

isn't forcing me to hang out
with your pregnant girlfriend,

'cause... (Scoffs)
That's not gonna happen.

(Doorbell rings)

(Sighs)

Well, that's the thing,
Tessa.

It kinda is.

No, I... I got it. I got it. I got it.

You got it?
Yeah. (Chuckles)

(Chuckles)
Here we go.

Oh. Hi.

(George)
It's just temporally,

we're not "officially"
moving in together.

I wanted to discuss it with you,
but there just wasn't time.

Come on, Tessa.
Don't be mad.

The parent-child relationship
is a strange one.

You grow up
thinking they're superheroes

who can do no wrong,

but then one day
the cape comes off

and you see them
for who they really are,

and if you don't like
what you see...

(Snoring)

Tough luck.

You're stuck together.

Why? Because you're family.

Unless, of course...

You're not.

(Door creaks and closes)

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com