All language subtitles for Suburgatory Season 1 EPS (2)

It took me a couple of weeks,

but I finally find my favourite things
to do in suburbs:

Sleep.

Tessa, what're you doing?
Let's go before she gets here.

- She's so watering?
- Still watering.

Why didn't you set an alarm?

I kept hitting snooze.

I was having the most amazing
dream about Manhattan.

Yeah? What was so amazing?

We were still living there.

Ha ha.

I can't take it anymore...

Sheila's constant invitations
to dinner every single morning.

I'm running out of
creative ways to say no.

Have you tried running her over
with your car? That's creative.

Oh, no. Hose is off.
She's coming, she's coming!

My backpack!
It's upstairs!

No time! Go! Go!

Uhh!

Go, go, go, go, go, go.

Aah!

I'm stuck.
Save yourself.

Go!

No, dad.
I won't leave you.

Tessa, go.

Just go.

Well, hiya, neighbor!

Dinner tonight?

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

Bio-scientists have determined
that when you remove an animal

from its indigenous
environment...

For example,
the gentoo penguin...

And deposit said animal

into a region
that it's not accustomed to,

it is far more susceptible
to infectious disease.

Any questions?

Yes, Dalia.

I hate birds.

Thank you, Dalia.

I had to remind myself that,
as bad as I had it,

the gentoo penguin
had it worse.

Oh!

Hey, Lisa.

I heard that your family was
coming over for dinner tonight,

and I just wanted to apologize
in advance for my family.

Don't worry about it.

Your family's never as bad
as you think they are.

Hey, Lisa!

This is how dad
does it to mom.

Unless they are.

Are you ready to do this?

Wait.
Before we go over there,

we should really figure out
an exit strategy.

Oh, that's smart.
Okay, how about this?

After dessert,
I'll say we'd better go

'cause you got to study
for a math test tomorrow.

Come on, dad!

I don't have to study.
I know everything already.

You said that last time,
young lady,

and you ended up with a "D"!

Good.

That felt good.

But what if it's before dessert,
and one of us can't take it?

I think we need
a code word.

Uh, "pickles."

"Pickles"?

What,
you got something better?

Fine. "Pickles."

One of us cites "pickles,"

the other cites irritable bowel,
and we're gone. Got it?

Got it.
Let's do this.

What is keeping you two?

Do you want your bones?

Yes.

So, George, you never did say
what happened to your wife.

Fred!
It's an honest question.

If George wants,
he can say "no comment."

No comment.

Seriously,
what happened?

Uh, we separated
15 years ago.

I saw this show once

where these twins attached
at the face were separated.

It was awesome.
I think one of 'em died.

I saw that, too.
I think one of 'em did die.

Are you all done here,
honey?

So back to George's
failed marriage. You cheat?

Dad?

I would never dream of
cheating on Sheila.

Couldn't. She watches me
like a hawk... and I love it.

Whoo!

May I be excused?
Having a terrible time.

What about dessert?

Lisa can't have dessert.

Why... why not? The sugar?

No.

Oh! I got it. It's for me.
Lisa has no friends.

Don't listen to him, honey.
You have lots of friends.

We'll be downstairs.

Hey, uh, careful not to
set off the smoke detector

with the gun show.

You girls want to join?

Oh, no, thank you. I don't
want to see the gun show.

I've already seen it.

Come now. You guys head on
down to the rumpus room.

Fred and I have some
grown-up questions for George.

Ooh. Uh, can I go down
to the rumpus room, too?

No, you may not.

Joey. Truth or dare?

Maybe I did something wrong
in a previous life.

Maybe I was Eva Braun.

- Ryan. Truth or dare?
- Wait. Okay, dare.

I have some chocolate
in my room. I'll be right back.

I dare you to kiss a lesbian.

I'm not kissing my sister.

Not your sister,
you idiot... her.

Tessa.

Um, thanks, uh, but I'm...

I'm not really
a part of this game.

You are now, beeyotch.

What do you mean,
I have to have a barbecue?

Not a barbecue, George...
The barbecue.

Here's the dealio, George.

If you move
into this neighborhood

and don't have "the barbecue
," you'll be shunned.

Ostracized.

- Excommunicated.
- And why?

- Because you didn't have the barbecue.
- Because you didn't have the barbecue.

This is Chatswin,

and when a new family moves here
and doesn't have the barbecue,

it looks like they don't want to
be a part of the neighborhood.

And if people don't want us,
we don't want them.

That's just
human nature.

So have the barbecue.

And eat your cake.

It's good.

Look, I really appreciate
you including me

in your reindeer games,
sincerely,

but, um, in this case, I'm just
gonna have to politely decline.

Once someone
dares you to do something,

you kind of have to do it,
or else you're a wuss.

Yeah, I'm... I'm familiar
with the rules of...

Wuss-iosity,

but there are loopholes.

You know what a loophole is,
don't... you?

Sure. It's a hole
with a loop in it.

Pickles, pickles,
pickles, pickles!

P-pickles give her
irritable bowel.

It's a brine thing.

Anyway,
thank you for dinner.

I didn't serve pickles.

Ryan Shay is a neanderthal.

How could I have kissed
a person who is,

by all accounts,
a knuckle-dragger...

And actually like it?

But it's a new day.

I was determined to press on

and act as though
last night never happened.

Why am I waving?
Stop waving.

What the hell was wrong
with me?

I wasn't myself.
Maybe I was low blood sugar.

You okay, Tess?

What? Why?

You're... pouring milk
that isn't there.

What happened last night?

Last night?

With the pickles.

Oh! The pickles.

Oh. Yeah.
That was nothing.

The, um, rumpus room just had
a lot of wood paneling.

It felt like an asylum.

A wood-paneled asylum?

Yeah.

A rustic, high-end
wood-paneled asylum.

Look it up.

Lisa!

Hey.

I know what's going on
between you and my brother.

Nothing is going on.

Then why were you looking
at him like that

this morning
when he was washing the car?

This is pathetic.
I thought you were different.

You should have seen
the look on your face.

It was sickening.

Lisa was right.

It was sickening.
I was sick.

I was terminal,
and I had to find a cure.

Intellectual, neurotic,
self-loathing Jew.

Much more my type.

Could he be
the Ryan Shay antidote?

Hi. I'm Tessa.

I'm Evan.

Wanna make out?

What? I mean... what?

Damn it, Evan!

I feel nothing. Nothing.

Sorry?

Not as sorry as I am.

As you were, Evan.

What?

You haven't had
the barbecue yet?

Are you kidding me?

Seriously? That's for real?

Yeah, that's for real.

I'm surprised people are
still talking to you.

I'm surprised I'm still
talking to you.

Ow!

Javier, you just nicked
my ear.

That's strike two.
Just send out an evite.

I don't even know how I'm
gonna do this, realistically.

All I've got is this old hibachi
I used in Manhattan.

An old hi-whatchi?
Are you kidding me?

All right. I'm gonna do
something for you.

Javier, cover your ears.

I'm gonna let you
borrow my grill.

Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks.

"Oh. Okay. Cool. Thanks."
Are you kidding me?

I never let anybody
borrow my grill.

You should be kissing
the ground I walk on.

Well, I don't know.
You think it's big enough?

Is the statue of liberty
big enough?

Is J.Lo's ass big enough?

For me, it is.

Yeah, I think
it's big enough.

Well, look who's here.

You're just the gentleman
I wanted to talk to.

Hey, is this about
the barbecue?

No, it's not,

but you really should have it
before things get unpleasant.

George, take a walk with me.

Okay.

All right, Javier.

Let's try the hot shave
one more time.

What's going on?

Well, I just thought
you should know,

I mean, considering
the whole condom situation

that brought you here,

according to Dalia,
who was there,

Tessa went to first base
with Ryan Shay last night,

and apparently it was hot.

Uh-huh. What...
What's first base again?

Well, it's regional,
but here...

Open mouth, some tongue.

Well, that doesn't sound right.
Tessa can't stand Ryan Shay.

Well, of course Tessa
can't stand Ryan Shay,

but have you seen
his rock-hard abs?

I mean, if you...

It d... you know what?

If neighbors don't look out
for neighbors,

we could end up having
little baby neighbors.

Oh! I just got an evite
to your barbecue on Sunday.

O.M.G. I am there.
Thank you.

What? How is that possible?

All good for Sunday, buddy.

Meatball sub...

Two of the least sexy words
in the English language,

unless Ryan Shay was
on the other end of it.

I was better than this.

I was Turkey and wheat,
and I had to remember that.

Tessa.

Meet me
behind the bleachers, 2:00.

Okay.

I needed guidance,

so I went to the only place
i could think of.

So, Tessa, what guidance
can I give you today?

I am being consumed
by my desire for something,

something that is not good
for me.

You're addicted to drugs.

No. Absolutely not.

Are you sure?
Because I've been told,

a lot of people
from the inner city are,

and I've seen "rent."

I'm from Manhattan,
and it's not drugs.

It's a guy that
I'm incredibly attracted to

but don't like.

Intellectually,
I know he's not good for me,

but I can't stay away
from him.

Sounds like the kind
of relationship people have

with their drug dealers.

He's not a drug dealer!

He's just... stupid,

which means I must be stupid
for liking him.

Maybe there's something more
to him than meets the eye.

After all,
when people look at me,

all they see is someone
who's north Korean,

but when they dig
a little deeper,

they're also surprised
to learn

that I'm partially...
South Korean.

Ryan wasn't South Korean...

But he certainly was
a good kisser.

I can't believe we are
making out behind the bleachers.

It is so cliche.

Who's cliche?
Is she, like, a singer?

Don't speak.

But we had to speak.

It was the only way
i was going to find out

if there was more to Ryan
than met my lips.

Have you ever seen
a foreign film?

"Avatar"?

That's not a foreign film.

It takes place
on a foreign planet.

And James Cameron is Canadian.

Partial credit.

If you could have dinner
with any famous person,

living or dead,
who would it be?

Scarlett Johansson.

Dead.

I had never been so disgusted
with someone

in my entire life...

And that someone was me.

Oh, so that... that kid
from across the street...

What's his...
What's his name? Brian?

Ryan.

Ryan. That's it. Yeah.

Nice kid?

I-I really wouldn't know.
Do you want my carrots?

Uh, I'm good.
He seems like a nice kid.

So what's the deal,

have you guys ever talked
or...

Anything?

This is your fault,
not mine. Yours.

My fault?
What... what's my fault?

You pulled me out
of my indigenous region

and just...

Dropped me into
a completely different habitat!

- Okay, I'll take your carrots.
- It's not about the carrots, George.

It's me.
I am a gentoo penguin.

I am a sick, diseased
gentoo penguin,

and I am dying here!

Ohh.

What do you think?
I love her.

- Well...
- I call her Sally.

Yeah, well, Sally just burned
a hole in my retina.

She's a powerful lady,
George.

Uh-huh.

If she wasn't made of steel,
I'd take her as a lover.

Great turnout, George.
Yeah.

I am sorry my husband
couldn't be here,

but he travels, a lot,
on business.

Okay.
How... how's the guacamole?

It's killer.
You smush it yourself?

I did, actually, yes.

- You did?
- Yes.

Speaking of smushing,
any intel on what happened

between Tessa and Ryan
in the rumpus room,

or as I like to call it,
"the humpus in the rumpus"?

Uh, yeah, well, not really.

I tried to broach
the subject with her,

but she just got upset

and said something cryptic
about penguins.

Ooh. That might be
Internet talk for "penis."

I'll yahooit
and get back to you.

I gotta be honest.
I'm not overly concerned.

That kid's
a total bonehead.

Well, so is Ryan.

I was talking about Ryan.

Okay.

Hey.

Hey.

You still mad at me?

Mad? No.

I mean, you can't help
the way you feel...

I guess.

Yeah. Exactly.

I mean, it's like chips.

Chips are my favorite thing
in the world.

I could eat, like,

two or three bags at once.

I know, right?

But I don't.

You know why?

Because they're bad for me.

As much as I want to put
that entire bag inside my mouth,

I know that if I do,
I'll get dehydrated,

I'll break out,
and I mighget diarrhea.

Diarrhea? From chips?

So I don't,
because I've got willpower,

and I can't be mad at you
for not having willpower.

All I can do is pity you,

which I do.

Okay. Well, thanks.

So wonderful
to be here, George.

Such a beautiful place.

Mm. The hydrangeas are just...
Wow.

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

I gotta tell you,
it's... it's so nice to see

a gay couple
in the neighborhood.

Makes me feel like I'm back
in the city.

There's a gay couple?
Where?

Gossip. I love hearing it
before my wife. Dish.

- Dish.
- Dish.

George.

- Hi.
- We got an emergency.

She's dead. Sally's dead.
What do you mean, she's dead?

She's out of propane!

Okay, so I'll go pick up
some more.

No more. No.
She takes the big tanks.

The only place that sells
the big tanks is Artie's.

Artie's is closed on Sundays!
Artie!

Okay, keep your voice down.
Give me a second to think.

George.

- What's the E.T.A.
- on the burgers?

The natives
are getting restless.

Man cannot live
by chips and guac alone.

Fred,
let me walk this dog.

Five, ten minutes, tops.

If you ask me,
calling a barbecue a barbecue

without actually having
a barbecue would be worse

than not having
a barbecue at all.

Didn't ask you.

Boy, someone had
a big scoop of crab salad.

Yeah, a big scoop.

Damn it, Fred.

If you can't plus it,
you just leave it alone.

Ryan, I cat do this
anymore.

Is it my breath?

Because I skipped
the guacamole.

No. Your breath is fine.

- It's me.
- Ohh.

You had the guacamole.

No. I mean, a little,
yeah, but...

I could taste it,

but I wasn't gonna say
anything.

Look, Ryan, I like you.

I do.

I mean,
you're good-looking,

and you're...

Really good-looking.

Then what's the problem?

Nothing.

It's just...

You're a bag of chips.

A bag of chips?

Yeah, you know how
they taste really good,

but they're void
of all nutritional value,

and in the end,
you kinda regret eating them?

No.

Oh.

Well, you do.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know what
you are?

You're peanut brittle.

- Excuse me?
- That's right.

You're big chunks
of sticky stuff

that doesn't know whether
it's sweet or salty,

and you gotta break it up
into little pieces.

Well, that's what
I'm doing to you.

I'm breaking up
into little pieces!

As Ryan and his six-pack walked
out of the laundry room,

it hit me.

I would never see
the gun show again.

What the hell is that?

His name is Joe.

He's from New York,

and he runs on old-fashioned
charcoal briquettes.

Now let's light his face
on fire

and serve these people
some New York-style dogs.

The only thing more voracious
thany appetite for Ryan

was Chatswin's appetite
for barbecue.

So I don't know what
gentoo penguins eat in the wild,

but since
you're in captivity,

you want a hot dog?

Thanks.

There he is.

Loved your New York wieners,
George.

I could have eaten
a dozen of them.

Utterly delicious.

We'll have to sneak
into a Metropolis sometime,

when our wives aren't
looking for a sausage fix.

Oh. Toodles, George.

Toodles.

Mwah.

Toodles.

Wow.

So I guess our barbecue
was a success.

High five.

A year ago,
if you'd have told me

I'd be high-fiving
over a barbecue,

I would have called you
a liar.

Yeah, well, if you told me
I'd be first in line

to see the gun show,
I'd have slapped myself.

Don't slap yourself.

It was
a pretty impressive gun show.

I feel like an idiot.

Hey, I've been there.

I-I once dated
this incredibly beautiful woman,

who I could hardly stand being
in the same room with.

I love when you tell
stories about mom.

Eat your hot dog.