All language subtitles for Suburgatory Season 1 EPS (13)

♪ Let's say I want it ♪

♪ let's say I want what's over there ♪

(Tessa) The look of envy...

It was a look Dalia was
well-accustomed to receiving.

Me... not so much...

Pick you up after school?

Okay.
Until now.

Nose kiss?

♪ So, baby, what I know,
there's no stop ♪

Scott Strauss had chosen me
over Dalia, and it was big.

Bye.

Bye.

No. It was huge.

(Indistinct conversations)

It's like New York
all over again. (Sighs)

The problem didn't go away.
It just got bigger. (Chuckles)

That was a reference
to Scott's...

Correct.

Your daughter has
a voracious sexual appetite.

She's got a hunger for the flesh
that can't be satiated.

You have a daughter.
How can you joke like this?

(Chuckles) Because she's
not sexually active.

She's an academic...
Like her mother.

I know it's not my choice.

I just don't want Tessa
to treat sex

as a recreational hobby.

Well,
have you told her that?

I... tried to.

(Crunching)

What am I supposed
to do now?

I can't keep relocating her

every time
I find condoms, can I?

I mean, I could.
We have the miles.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com

(Alih Jay) ♪Last night I had
a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da,
da, da, da, da ♪

Namaste, you guys.

I just had
a tantric mani-pedi.

Oh! Uh, moon over Miami Vice
versa my favorite song?

How did you know?

I know.

Ohh. It was orgasmic.

That is the problem
with Chatswin.

Everything out here has
to be sexualized.

George is angry
about his daughter's libido.

(Gasps) Oh.
Dalia got horny early,

so we had the sex talk
years ago.

I wouldn't wait, George.

To have the sex talk?
(Chuckles)

Yeah, I think Tessa knows
where babies come from.

I'm not talking about
that sex talk.

I'm talking about the one
where you explain

all the different kinds
of sex.

- Different kinds of...
- Breakup, makeup,

girl-on-girl,
group-on-guy...

Hate sex, date sex, pity sex,
party sex, pity party sex.

- Bi-curious, by the ocean...
- By the hour.

The reverse Andre the giant.

No. Tessa is not doing
any of that.

Well, she's going to,
if she hasn't already, George,

and you can't stop her.

I sure can. It's simple.

If I want to keep
Tessa away from boys,

all I have to do is find something
more fun than having sex.

Jenga! (Laughs)

♪ You take
a block from the bottom ♪

♪ and you put it on top

♪ you take
a block from the middle ♪

♪ and you put it on top

Well, we've got other games.

You guys ready for a good
old-fashioned game night, or what?

I cut my teeth
on chutes and ladders,

or "Snakes and ladders,"
as it's called on the streets,

but, uh, I'm up
for anything.

I was under the impression
that Tessa would be here.

Yeah, we're gonna surprise her.

Hungry hungry hippos, Life,
Yahtzee, Connect 4...

Oh, what about Monopoly?

You're a purist.

Respect, but I gotta be
the boot.

(Door opens)
Surprise!

Whoa.

Uh, surprise...
You're hanging out

with my friends
when I'm not home?

Yep.

For the record,
I said this was weird.

Oh, dad,
this is Scott Strauss.

Oh. Hello, Scott.
You... you play Yahtzee?

You said
we were playing Monopoly.

I just set up the bank.

Actually, Scott and I have
dinner plans, so...

Oh. Okay. "Dinner plans."
"Scott and I."

"Actually." (Chuckles)
How grown-up.

Scott, can you wait
outside?

I think my dad's having
a stroke.

Sure thing.
Nice meeting you, Mr. Altman.

- Yes, very nice meeting you, too.
- Hey.

Ahem.
Get it.

What was that?

What was what?

What did you just tell him
to get?

Dad, what is wrong
with you?

- What's wrong with you?
- Nothing.

(Chuckles) I'm behaving
very normally. It's Friday.

I'm going on an age-appropriate
date with a cute boy.

You're a grown man home playing
pictionary with minors.

The yogurt may have been
flowing that night,

but the conversation
between me and Scott was

as stale
as that crushed cookie topping.

All the kid ever talked about
was how he volunteered

for a year in Zambia.

I wish I could have
taken you for bambara.

It's this dish I used to eat
when I was living in...

Let me guess it. Zambia?

- (Chuckles) Yeah.
- Ohh.

(Smacks table)
Too bad we can't have it,

'cause we're not in Zambia.

We're in... Chatswin.

I know that.
Do you?

Yeah.

In Zambia in the summertime,
it gets surprisingly cold.

Did you ever see...
(Smacks table)

this Internet video

of this kid coming home
from the dentist

after he has had
too much anesthesia?

No.

It's funny.
I love funny stuff.

(Laughs) You?

Yeah.

It's just hard to laugh,
you know,

when you know that
people are starving...

In Zambia.

Are you gonna finish that?

I will now. Yeah.

I'm thinking about
going back next summer.

(Mouth full) You should.
You should go.

Is everything okay, Tessa?

No. Everything was not okay.

I was sick of hearing
about Scott's one adventure,

and I probably would have
dumped him at that very moment,

had it not been for the war

i was waging against Dalia.
(Door bells jingle)

Kiss me, Scott.

Kiss me like I'm Africa.

Mmm.

Mmm! Mm.

Mmm. Mm.

Buy a hotel.

Oh, we will.

We will!

(Singsongy)
Just got another hotel.

Malik's still in jail.

Sorry, Malik.

You don't seem sorry.

Can I top you guys off?

Yes, please.
I never get soda at home.

She's had enough.
(Chuckles)

(Dice clatter)

Aw, I was rooting for you,
too.

Wow. 8:45. I was sure Tessa
and Scott would be home by now.

(Dice clatter)

What do you think
they might be doing?

I mean, I mean, you know,

what do you guys
generally do

with your dates?

Well, theoretically,
I would take my lover

up to Mt. Julian and share
a soft cheese from Wisconsin.

They're just as good
as the ones from France

but more affordable.

Then we would sit up there
till the sun came up

and talk about our hopes
and dreams

and "Dancing with the stars."

I'd probably like to go
somewhere dark

- so we could make out.
- Make out.

Yeah. Sure.
I'm down with that?

That's... yeah. Get it.

So what about intercourse?

Can I call my mom
to come get me?

I mean, typically, what age
do kids... partake nowadays?

That's okay, Malik.
I'll answer this one.

Mr. Altman,

the right age depends
on the individual.

And each individual
can determine

what that proper age is

by consulting
the online virginity calculator.

It's not a real thing.

You enter your height, weight,
hair length, and zip code.

It'll tell you
when you're ready. 18.

16. But I can wait.

(Door creaks)

(Clears throat)

Come on, 21.

Let's go, 21.

Here we go. 21.

16?

She's 16 right now.

What if I made her
get a haircut?

Thank you so much
for making a house call

to pick up
our dry cleaning.

Ah, the club makes everything
so convenient.

Did you know we have
a pediatric urologist

starting next week?

I did not!

Super duper.

Don't forget to check
the pockets.

Oh, let's see if we can't find
some extra tip money for you.

Oh, dear.

Are you kidding me, Javier?

Are you kidding me
right now?

I-I don't know what...

Look at this thing!
It's an m/l! An m/l.

Do you have any idea how many
hours I spend at the gym

keeping it tight so he can
get down with an m/l?!

(Gasps)
(Yakult barks)

That is it!
That is the last straw!

It'll all be ready
by Tuesday.

And give me back
them giant panties!

- Morning, dad.
- Oh, hey.

I'm gonna head over to
Lisa's in a minute.

Yeah?

She invited me
to sleep over tonight.

I feel like I haven't
seen you much.

I know, but I feel like
Lisa's feeling neglected

'cause I've been spending
so much time with Scott.

So is it cool?

Yeah. It's cool.

It's very cool.

But... before you go, I...

Thought you'd probably
want these.

I don't think
Lisa and I need those.

I'm returning them to you.
They're yours.

- No, they're not.
- Found 'em in your room.

So you were going
through my room?

No, no, I was in there
to turn off the music,

and then I saw 'em...
In a box...

Which I opened.

So here we are,
back to square one.

I could say the same thing.

George,
those were given to me.

Safe sex fairy?

Why do I even bother?
You know what?

Think what
you wanna think.

Trust me when I tell you
you will regret it

if you have casual sex.

It's not a casual thing.

It's something you share
with the right person.

Is he the right person?

Good-bye George,
I'll see you tomorrow.

Talk to me.

Yeah, well, that's something
you earn, not demand.

- Tessa!
- You treat me like a child!

I do not treat you
like a child!

You forgot your squishy.

(Sighs) Thanks again for coming
in on a Saturday, Aaron.

Oh, please, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on.

Don't be stupid.
(Smacking lips)

I'd do anything for you,
Dallas.

I mean, you're a client,
but you're also a friend.

Oh.

And also... (Slurps)
I was coming in anyway.

Steven freaks out
over nothin'.

He freaks out if I wear
my shoes in the house,

but I'm supposed to turn
the other cheek on these?

These panties are
a slap in the face, Aaron.

Look, look,

Steven is not a Saint.

We've been down this road
before.

But he's
an excellent provider.

So you have to ask yourself
this question.

Is this a really big problem

or a you-can-live-with-it
problem?

Is it huge,
or is it just m/l?

Of course, once you
serve him the papers,

the papers
can't be unserved.

Okay.

But I'd like to submit these
into evidence.

- He's just become so controlling.
- Scott?

George.

And that...
that's gotten to the point

where I can't even stand
the sound of his voice.

- George.
- Scott!

Tessa, why don't you just
tell your dad nothing happened

between you and Scott?

Then he'll get off
your case.

No. Too kind.
I want George to sweat it out.

Maybe I'll even fake a pregnancy
like Kenzie did.

Ha! Payback for going
through my room again.

Okay. Sleep on that.

Good night, Tessa.

Good night.

(Switch clicks)

I think Malik made a pass at me
during game night.

(Indistinct conversations,
jazz music playing)

Well, the bacon certainly
looks crisp this morning.

(Chuckles)

(Crunches)

Mmm. It is. It's crisp.
(Chuckles)

Keep us posted, Fred.

I heard about you
and Scott Strauss.

I just wanna say I approve.

- Mm, shut up, Ryan.
- He has great hair.

Dad.

It doesn't hurt me
to see you with him.

I'm gonna go get
some grapefruit.

Anyone want anything?

I want you back.

Uh-huh. I will go get
some muffins for the table.

♪

It's a lot of muffins.

Well, I worked upa pretty bige

after all the sex
I've been having.

Yeah, yeah. Ha. Funny.

Who knows?
Maybe I'm eating for two.

I'm thinking Xavier
if it's a boy... or a girl.

Hey, y-you're just being
silly now. Come on, Tessa.

I wasn't going through
your room.

And yet you were going
through my room.

Good morning, guys.

Steven's sleeping with a heifer.

(Sighs)
I'm gonna go hit the gym.

I'll come with.

I can't get through to her.

She treats me like I'm out of touch.
I'm the cool dad.

What?
I'm not the cool dad?

George...

Think about how you were
back in the day.

You had sex with a lot
of the ladies, all right?

You were the champion.
You were undefeated.

How many women did you
bring down to the mat?

You're being in appropriate.

See, the old George would have
high-fived me right there

and then had sex with her.

Just because you're a dad
doesn't mean

you can't be a dude.

Be a single dude.
Don't be a single dad.

If not for you,
then for me

and the rest
of the married guys

who can only have sex
with our wives... if at all.

(Cell phone rings)
Hey, Jill.

George needs to chill out.

I don't even know
if I wanna do it with Scott.

He wants to know how I feel
before I know how I feel.

Hill!

Yeah, sure, Scott is cute
and everything,

and it's not like
he's an idiot...

But truthfully,
he's kind of boring.

Wait. Does that sound mean?
I don't mean it to sound mean.

Pop it low.

And enough about Zambia.
We get it.

You've been to Africa.
You're a do-gooder.

But you know what
you're not good at?

Catch
and pivot at the waist.

Basic conversation.

The truth is...

We don't have anything
in common. (Scoffs)

There's no spark.

So what am I holding on to?

Thanks, Dallas.

This really helped.

(Man) ♪ She's got
that kind of booty ♪

It sure did.

Hello, Aaron?

(Doorbell rings)

- George.
- Hi, Jocelyn.

You forgot your glasses
at the club this morning.

(Door closes)
These are ladies' glasses.

Oh.

And they're bifocals.

Oh.

And they're not mine.

Thanks for coming
all this way, though.

Oh, oh, yeah. I pass by
your place all the time.

But you probably
don't notice.

Sorry. I need to get Tessa's
clothes out of the dryer.

They're mostly cottons, and if I
leave them in there too long,

then she is a wrinkled mess.

You're a really good dad.

Yeah.

(Salt-n-Pepa's "Push it"
playing)

But I'm also a dude.

Oh.

Oh, I know you are.

♪ Ah, push it

(moaning)

(Moans and laughs)

Wait, wait, wait.
(Panting)

I don't wanna give you
the wrong idea.

Oh, give it to me.

(Clatter)

Give me the wrong idea!

♪ Ooh, baby, baby

- Grab it. Grab it.
- Slap it. Trick it.

Trick it?
Who's a hungry hippo?!

I'm a hungry hippo.
Connect 4.

Connect all 4.
You connect all 4.

So you like games, huh?

I'm gonna slide down
your chute,

and I'm gonna climb
up your ladder.

- Oh, yeah.
- You into monopoly?

I'm going to jail.

(Shouts indistinctly)
I got your hair!

I got your hair!

(Speaks indistinctly)
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Go ahead. All of it, all of it.
Yahtzee!

(Thud)
(Groans)

The workout with Dallas
had given me clarity.

I knew what I had to do.

I felt strong,
and so did my abs.

(Doorbell rings)

(Scott) Round back!

(Woman ululates)

(Tribal music playing)

(Bleats)

Hi, Tessa.
This is for your father.

(Bleats)
Oh. How did you know?

It's a traditional
African courtship offering.

(Choir singing in African
dialect) (Goat bleats)

It wasn't easy to find
a goat.

Took some doing
on my part, so...

I'm sure my dad will
appreciate the gesture, really.

I-I'm just not sure about
the whole... courtship thing.

I know this seems weird,
and there's a goat involved,

which you're probably not
used to, but in our culture,

sex is trivialized,
and I just wanted to make sure

that our first time
had... meaning.

You deserve
a thousand goats.

Thanks.

Tessa, don't think
I didn't notice.

You've been pulling away.

You wanted
a physical relationship,

but I wasn't ready for it.

I did, but then I got
to know you, and...

But I didn't wanna lose you,
so I got ready.

And now I'm ready for it.

♪

Lay with me.

Keep in mind my parents
will be back by 6:00.

(Woman ululates)

(Bleats)

I decided
not to lay with Scott,

and the two of us
went our separate ways.

I got custody of the goat.

Oh! Hey! Tessa!

Hey, goat.
(Bleats)

I was just, uh, returning
a pair of ladies' bifocals

that didn't belong
to your dad,

and then I tripped,
and I broke my... ohh.

(Sighs)

You don't have any water
on you, do you?

Okay. Cool.

Okay.

(Bleats)

(Ball bouncing)

What's with the goat?

It's for you,
from my ex-boyfriend.

Ex?

It wasn't what you thought,
George.

It wasn't what I thought,
either.

Oh.

But for the record,

unless that was
your one true love

I spotted
on the way out of here,

you are a big, fat
hypocrite.

I stand by what I said
earlier.

You do it
for the wrong reasons,

you'll regret it.

This goat has better judgment than you.
(Ball bouncing)

Hey, lay off the sneakers,
goat.

But some people just don't
wanna be told what to do,

and Dallas...

Was one of them.

This is my house. Tell me
what to do with my house...

This is how you leave a man,
Yakult.

(Kelly Clarkson) ♪ what doesn't
kill you makes you stronger ♪

♪ stand a little taller

♪ doesn't mean I'm lonely
when I'm alone ♪

♪ what doesn't kill you
makes a fighter ♪

♪ footsteps even lighter

♪ doesn't meant I'm over
'cause you're gone ♪

♪ what doesn't kill you
stronger ♪

♪ stronger

(music stops)

Mommy...

Are you and dad
getting a divorce?

(Whimpers)

Two birthday parties,
two Christmases,

and two bedrooms to decorate.

I am so happy, you guys.

- You are so lucky.
- I know.

I wish my parents were
getting a divorce.

I know.

There it was again...
The look of envy.

Chatswin's gotta be
the only place on Earth

where divorce was
something you high-five over.

Gentlemen,
when you're ready to order,

just call me if you know how
to call a person,

which it doesn't seem
like you do.

You know what?
I'm starving.

I'm gonna go
with the power parfait.

Yeah. I'll just have
eggs over easy.

(Laughs) You like everything
over easy.

Just go with the scramble.

You know what? I'm just
gonna have scrambled eggs,

uh, with a side of fruit.

Got a little something extra
on the side, do you?

Okay, this is what
I was afraid of.

I-I said I didn't want to
give you the wrong idea.

But as I recall,
you gave me the wrong idea.

I'm kidding.

I'm totally kidding, George.
(Laughs) You big goof.

I'll be right back
with your eggs.

(Laughs)
Ladies and gentlemen,

weighing in at 180 pounds
in this corner,

the heavyweight champion
of lovemaking...

"Gorgeous" George Altman!

(Laughs) Okay, okay.

- He's back!
- He's not back.

Yes, he is.

Although I would not
eat those eggs.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson
for www.addic7ed.com