Original subtitles

- Feel better? - That feels better then better.

Feels like I can do this.

♪

(Tessa) Friday night in Chatswin,

and a really dumb charity event for a really dumb charity

meant instead of seeing my new boyfriend,

Scott Strauss, I was forced to watch parents dance

with their children to "rock lobster."

I just don't think it's normal

for parents to hang out with their kids this much.

Well, my mom says that she's my only true friend

and that I should tell her everything.

And do you?

I do, and sometimes she nods off, but...

Well, I'm a private person.

I don't like people knowing my business.

(Glass clinks) (Amplified voice) Ladies and gentlemen,

I've just been told by the Davenports

that Amanda got her first period today.

(Cheering)

(Fred, amplified voice) Attagirl!

Just wanted to share that news with you.

Amanda is menstruating. Mazel tov, Mandi.

Mazel Tov.

There's a real sense of community.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com

(Alih Jay) ♪ last night I had a pleasant nightmare ♪

♪ da-da-da-da, da, da, da, da ♪

♪ Rock lobster

♪ motion in the ocean

♪ ooh-ah

♪ his air hose broke ♪ ooh-ah

Wow. Looks like things are really heating up

between the two of you.

According to Alan, there's no such thing

as being openly gay in Chatswin.

Anytime we go out together,

he's convinced people are watching us.

People are watching you. That's what people do here.

They watch each other.

♪ Rock, rock

♪

Why don't you guys do something outside of Chatswin?

At least you have the option.

That's... that's what I would do if I were you.

(Clinks)

(Song ends)

Thank you, Chatswinians.

Living in a war-torn country

can put an enormous amount of strain on the lumbar region.

Now with your help, the C.W.B. can correct spinal alignment

regardless of political aliment.

Take a look.

Boring! Raffle!

Can we get the raffle going?

Okay. I know we're all anxious to get to this,

so without further ado, let's raffle off

the all-expense-paid trip to Atlantic city!

Jersey, baby!

When I win, you're coming with me.

We're finally gonna have a proper guys' night out.

Oh, what are you... what are you talking about?

We just saw "300" together.

"300" was like a million years ago,

and it was a matinee.

And I treated you to sno-caps.

Of which I had three. You were saving the rest for Tessa.

- She likes sno-caps. - So do I, George. All right?

All right, you're so busy being father of the year,

you forget to be friend of the Noah...

Of the year.

(Fred) Get your tickets ready, everybody. Here we go.

(Microphone thuds) (Amplified voice) Ahem.

4...

7...

3-teen.

I believe it's pronounced "thirteen."

You know, I didn't criticize your stupid speech.

(George) Hey!

Ha ha! Yeah! I got it! (Crowd murmuring)

I won! We have a winner.

(George laughs) Yeah. (Scattered applause)

Great. Perfect. I'm sure you and Tessa will have a blast.

Oh, come on. Don't be a baby.

No, no. I'm sure that she'll appreciate

the all-you-can-eat prime rib and Don Rickles.

Noah, would you do me the honor of accompanying me

to Atlantic city?

We can do our... Our guys' night out.

All the sno-caps you can eat.

(Thud) Don't toy with me.

Nor me. Gentlemen, did I hear something

about a guys' night out? For I stand before you, a guy.

Piss off, Fred.

Oh, come on. The room sleeps six.

If we're gonna do this,

- the more, the merrier, right? - The more, the merrier?

Alex and I would love, love, love the chance

to escape our old balls and chains.

Sometimes you just need to get down with your homeboys.

(Imitates B-real) Who you trying to get crazy with, ese?

Don't you know I'm loco?

(Normal voice) That's a Cypress Hill reference

for the uninitiated. (Chuckles)

Fred, don't you have to check with Sheila first?

(Sighs) You may not realize this, Noah,

but I have Sheila in check. (Chuckles)

(Voice breaking) It's bad, Sheila.

It's real bad.

It's... it's looking like she might not make it.

Oh, poor aunt Elaine. Bless her heart.

(Gasps) I know how dear she is to you.

(Whispers) Oh, she's very dear.

The most dear.

And if I don't rush to her side,

she may not have a side to rush to.

Oh, Fred. Your favorite aunt.

Oh, come here. Let me rock you.

Let me rock you.

Ohh.

Fred, did I just feel you give the thumbs up?

Okay, this... this is not one

of those "risky business" type situations

where you dance around in your underwear,

and then you have a few friends over,

and suddenly you start a brothel

and wind up singing on a float in a parade.

Dad, you're... You're mixing teen movies.

This is more like an episode of "Little house on the prairie"

where pa goes off to the mercantile,

and I stay home to loom you some pants.

Perfect. I'm a 32 long.

But seriously, no parties.

It's been said, and you heard it okay.

Okay, you have my cell phone number.

Uh, I left the number of the hotel

in case anything goes wrong. What if something goes wrong?

Dad.

This is Chatswin.

Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin.

Isn't that the whole reason people live here?

(Door opens)

But with any luck,

Scott and I were going to go wrong

in every room of this house.

( Cypress Hill's "Insane in the brain" playing)

♪ To the one on the flamboyant temper ♪

♪ I just toss that ham in the fing pan ♪

♪ like spam, it's done when I come in, slam ♪

♪ damn, I feel like the son of Sam ♪

(Record needle scratches, music stops)

Oh.

(Laughs) Hey, all right.

You guys, we are going to party like it's our birthdays. Whoo!

(Clink) Add a raspberry, George. You'll thank me.

Don't mind if I do. Thanks for quilting me into this, man.

I don't do this kind of thing enough.

- This is gonna be fun. - Are you kidding me?

This is gonna be... (Mouth full) A lot of fun, hmm? (Laughs) (Clink)

Fred?

Oh, uh, gambling is happening.

Gambling is happening in this building.

I'm so close to the gambling.

- Wh-what's going on? - Oh! Now I remember.

Fred has a really serious gambling problem.

This is bad. I'm sweaty and nervous

and a little bit horny.

All right, buddy.

- Hey, relax. - Okay.

It's gonna be fine. Have some champagne.

Okay.

- Thank you. - Here you go.

(Chuckles) I'm trembling.

I'm gonna gamble all my money.

You know, I'm gonna gamble and tremble

until I lose all my money. That's what... (Gulps)

Maybe I should take that, actually.

Fred, you can have fun without gambling.

Just don't gamble. We won't let you gamble.

Okay. (Inhales deeply)

Uh... now, uh,

this pile is for black, this pile is for red.

Can't lose that way. (Chuckles) Now slots are for fools,

but I'll take a stab at 'em.

(Clinking)

Fred, let us help you...

Don't touch my money, bitch!

Okay. Remain calm. Everything's gonna be all right.

Fred, take a deep breath.

Yeah.

(Inhales and exhales deeply)

Okay. Okay.

It's Fred. (Chuckles)

Fred's back. (Chuckles) Sorry.

I went a little nuts there. Thank you.

Why don't you, uh, why don't you get freshened up?

- Splash some water on your face. - Put on a different shirt.

- You look a little clammy. - Change those short.

(whispers) Shorts. Okay.

(Normal voice) Thank you.

Thank you, you guys.

I really...

I just want you to know...

I feel incredibly close to you all right now.

But I will slash your face...

In order to gamble.

(Chuckles)

(Door closes)

You can't seduce Scott in that. It has too many buttons.

Don't wear anything too complicated.

Yeah. If Scott and I don't make it

past the hand-holding stage...

You will lose him. Correct.

And that's why we're gonna be doing a lot more tonight

than we're comfortable with.

"We"?

We're gonna give Scott everything we have,

even the things that hurt.

What is that?

It's my love box,

and I am lending it to you for tonight.

Oh. (Chuckles) Okay.

(Blows raspberry)

Lisa, I think you have the wrong idea about tonight.

I was planning on keeping it syrup-free.

Just an old school make-out sesh.

Tessa, you sound like a fool.

Scott's an older guy with older guy needs.

He's been to Africa.

Africa.

He's gonna wanna go tribal on you.

Are you sure that's not offensive?

(Bells dinging)

(Strained voice) Look how she's looking at me, George.

Dirty girl.

Hey, have you eaten? Can I buy you a burger?

Here.

(Sighs)

Haven't heard from the little one, huh?

Yeah, she'll check in with me. I'm not gonna hound her.

She's probably high as a kite right now

and making love to a trinidadian man.

It's not gonna work, Fred. You're not gonna scare me off.

Why would I scare you off? There's nothing to be scared of.

Tessa's perfectly trustworthy.

(Coins clinking)

I'm sure you were, too, at that age.

(Bell ringing, indistinct conversations)

You think it'd be weird if I had Dallas stop in,

check in on her?

No, not at all.

Whew! Nice workout there, Sheila.

Between your unstoppable backhand

and my diligence at the net,

we are gonna dominate the mid-morning winter league.

(Cell phone rings) Oh. Hey, George!

Hey. You got a second?

Yeah. What's crack-a-lackin'?

Oh, nothin'. Uh, it's just that Tessa is home alone

for the weekend, and I'm... a little nervous

she might cave and throw a party or something.

Oh, my gosh.

I hope she invites me if she does.

No, no, we don't wan an unchaperoned party.

It's not that I don't trust her. I do.

I just... well, I-I-I'd like you to check on her for me.

Well, it doesn't sound like you trust her.

Who is that? Is that Fred?

W-well, I'll trust her a lot more

once I know for sure nothing's going on.

Listen, George, I consider Tessa to be one of my best friends,

and you are putting me in a difficult spot.

- Come on, Dallas. - Well...

Steven is in Singapore this weekend,

and Dalia's at braid camp, so I guess I could.

But I'm not gonna check in as some busybody neighbor.

I'll just see if she wants to hang... as a friend.

Thank you.

What is it?

I thought for sure that was Fred.

I sensed Fred on that call.

What are you talking about?

We have a psychic connection.

If Fred even eats something that doesn't agree with him,

I can sense it.

(Gags)

I think he just ate something that didn't agree with h. Ugh.

Oochies. This just in... thousand island bites back.

(Chuckles)

Hey, is that Steven Royce? What a coincidence.

(George) I thought he was in Singapore.

Do me a favor. Don't call him over here.

Steve-O!

Finally, some time alone with Scott.

Now if I could just get him to focus on me instead of...

And that's basically how you make

a traditional Zambian eating mat,

or Mphasa.

But bigger and less plastic.

Scott, I'm sure you get this a lot, but you're fascinating.

I would love to travel like you did.

Well, it'll change you, from the inside out.

But be prepared. Africa's also filled with poverty and disease.

You have... really brown eyes.

Thanks.

I met a man in Africa who didn't even have eyes.

(Sighs) Scott...

I know you're really political

and you have all this global awareness.

I think that's great, but...

Don't you wanna... get tribal on me?

That's offensive.

I think.

(Doorbell rings)

Hey. (Chuckles) George, what are you, uh,

what are you doing in the A.C.?

Yeah, Steven, what a surprise. I heard you were in Singapore.

- Who said that? - Dallas.

Well, you sure like talking to my wife a lot.

And who could blame you? She's a very beautiful woman.

- Yeah, so is she. - Huh?

I don't like to eat alone, you know?

It, uh, makes me depressed, and it lowers my metabolism.

And by any chance you do talk to my wife again,

I was in Singapore.

I have very important business in Singapore.

They want me to move there.

Really? Wow. That sounds great.

You think? Even though I'd have to leave

Dallas and Dalia behind for a better part of a year?

Well, that's what Skype's for, right?

- That is what Skype is for. - You know what, George?

Damn it. You're a smart guy.

- I think I might have underestimated you. - Yeah, well...

And plus you'll be there in case anything goes wrong, right? Huh?

It's Chatswin. Nothing goes wrong in Chatswin.

Isn't that the whole reason people live there?

(Bell ringing)

- Holy crap. You'll have to excuse me. - What's wrong?

I just realized my daughter was a bit too anxious

to get rid of me this morning.

Where's... where's Fred?

Fred? Oh, he crawled out, like, ten minutes ago.

Ugh!

Dallas, what are you doing here?

Well, I'm on the dolo tonight, and since you are, too,

I thought we could chillax or... get jiggy. Your choice.

Oh.

Oh, I see what this is.

George sent you here to spy on me.

(Laughs) What?

I don't know. I am on the dolo.

You can't hide behind urban street slang, Dallas.

I see right through you.

And this is an invasion of my privacy.

You can tell that to George.

(Whispers) He's a Fox.

Don't tell that to George.

So everything seemed quiet there? Real cozy.

C-cozy? What... What... what's that mean... cozy?

Well, comfy-cozy. No one was drunk,

not too krunk. The joint was on point, pretty much.

What are you talking about?

Stop confusing me with street slang.

Oh, George, you have nothing to worry about.

Tessa's a great girl,

and that boy she had over was super nice.

Fully clothed.

She... she had a-a boy... over?

Well, I don't know if he was a boy.

He had a kind of a young, white Wesley Snipes

kind of thing goin'.

(Line disconnects, dial tone) George?

So she's got a guy over.

What is the matter? We're guys.

I want to trust her, but I don't.

George, as the father of twins,

I can tell you, they're going to do exactly what they wanna do.

Times like these, I'm thankful my wife's barren.

(Panting)

(Noah) Fred!

- Where the hell have you been? - I did a bad thing.

(George) Where are your pants?

I bet them!

What are you gonna do?

You're gonna burst in on your 16-year-old daughter

and tell her that you don't trust her to be alone

- for 24 hours? Don't be that guy. - I'm sorry, Noah.

I'm not proud of it, but I am that guy.

Shh! I bet everything on a dog named "lose all your money."

I mean, I figured a name like that's gotta be ironic, right?

(Man on TV) He gets right across the rail. (Knock on door)

Who's that?

Tom-Tom called some freaks.

Who's ready to party?

- I am! Whoo-hoo! - Really?

Yeah! (Laughs)

I have something that I want you to dock

in my docking station.

Yeah. I'll dock it, all right.

I'll dock it all night.

Just stick it in gently

'cause the bottom's a little cracked.

Ooh.

Come on! Okay, okay, come on.

♪

Come on, "lose all your money"!

Not literally. You know what I mean.

Come on!

Ohh, no, no! (Cries)

Virtually from start to finish at...

All right, Fred. How much?

Uh... 14. $14,000.

You lost $14, 000?

No, I won $14,000, and Sheila is gonna sense it.

Windfall!

What?

Scott.

Right now this is the only place in all of Chatswin

where we can actually be alone.

Look, Tessa, I like you. I do.

And pre-Africa, I would have expressed that to you

in a very physical way,

but post-Africa, I need to take things slow.

Why?

(Sighs) I saw things, Tessa...

Things I wasn't ready to see.

(Whispers) Vaginal birth.

And there they were...

The two words that can put an end to any romantic evening.

(Kisses)

So much for alone time with Scott.

Tonight was now about... (Exhales deeply) being alone.

Come on, man!

Let's go, buddy. Open the door.

Go away! Leave me alone!

Sheila is going to kill me!

It's gonna be worse than the time

she caught me watching "Wild things" on cable.

(Noah) Okay, maybe she's gonna be happy with the extra cash

and will forgive you.

Have you met my wife?!

She is the least forgiving woman in the world,

and I will never find anyone as wonderful.

Hey, she never even has to know.

You can donate all the money to charity.

(Panting) I'm ending it!

I'm ending it all!

Uhh!

- I'm calling the hotel manager. - Yeah.

(Grunts)

I got this. Relax.

(Chuckles) Hey. Fred, buddy. Steven Royce.

Is there any mirrors in there?

Yeah, there's one over the sink,

and there's another one on the back of the door.

Okay. Do me a favor.

Take a good, hard look at yourself

in one of those mirrors, okay?

Oh, there's also a small one in the shower...

One of those non-fogging shave on.

Just any mirror. Doesn't matter what kind of mirror.

Just pick a mirror, okay?

Okay.

(Grunts)

(Sighs)

Okay. I'm looking.

You're in a spiral, Fred. You're in a downward spiral.

Okay? This is an ugly side of you,

but you don't have to be ugly. You don't.

You could take stock. Make yourself better.

(Exhales deeply) Yeah.

Okay? This is an opportunity for you

to make yourself better,

to change and become better than what you were.

Not you two. You guys stay exactly the same, okay?

I'm gonna go see my mother.

I'm gonna go confront my stepfather.

No.

(Door opens)

So sorry, man.

I know... I know this wasn't exactly what you had in mind.

Are you kidding me, ese? Fred actually did go loco.

And I docked something in a stripper's docking station.

Yeah. A-a broken mp3 player.

Still. It's pretty awesome.

(Chuckles)

In fact, I'm beat. I'm gonna go get some rest.

All right, man. I'm gonna... wait a few more hours

till the sun comes up before I hit the road,

even if it kills me.

I don't want Tessa to think I don't trust her.

She's a good kid. You can trust her.

I trust her. Of course, I'm less invested.

(Chuckles)

Good night.

Good night.

(Door closes)

Dad!

"Dad," huh? No "George"?

Are you alone?

Yes, of course I'm alone. I was worried about you.

I even slept on the couch. I'm so glad you're home.

I should go away more often.

(Chuckles) That was a test. You passed.

You passed, sending your little spy over here.

Yeah, I knew you had a boy here.

And you still didn't come home.

You trusted me.

Of course I trusted you. Can I trust you?

Yes. What? You can trust me.

I'm practically an adult.

An adult. Really?

So I guess you don't want the salt water Taffy

I brought home for you, then.

Don't be stupid, George.

Give me the Taffy.

Give me the blue one.

I like pink anyway. (Wrappers rustle)

(Door closes quietly)

Fred.

Ohh! (Exhales deeply)

Good Lord, Sheila. You, uh, you startled me.

It's natural to be a little on edge

after what just happened.

I, uh, I know you already know,

but I-I planned on telling you everything.

You don't have to relive it, Fred.

It must ha been painful enough

just having been there when Elaine... passed.

Wh-when she what now?

When your aunt Elaine died.

I tried calling her, but the phone

just rang and rang and...

(Voice breaks) That's when I knew.

I knew you knew.

And so you must also know about the money.

Is that the windfall?

The inheritanc yes.

She left us $14,000.

Minus a few incidentals.

(Gasps)

I'm buying a new hose. (Laughs)

Oh.

Oh.

(Tessa) I'm making grilled egg and cheese! Want one?

Yes, I want one!

♪

(Music stops)

(Under breath) You gotta be kidding.

Sync and corrected by dr.jackson for www.addic7ed.com