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You know...

I tell ya.

Old habits, they die hard, don't they?

Especially when it comes to dating, you know?

The other day I went to take out this girl,

I went to open the car door for her,

and what do you know, force of habit,

I accidentally opened the trunk.

(Audience loudly laughing)

Next thing I know, the girl in the trunk,

she gets up and runs away.

(Audience loudly laughing)

The girl's standing there going, "who's that?"

I was like, "jealous already?"

(Audience loudly laughing)

This is a bad sign.

- Today is September 20th, 2020.

This is my first

video depression blog.

Completed my last film in 2018.

And since that time,

I haven't had a creative idea since

other than creative ideas on how I can maybe kill myself.

I'm consumed with dark thoughts.

And my doctor tells me it's just situational.

He doesn't actually think that

there's anything wrong with me

other than clinical depression, but,

I think there's something

much more serious going on, you know?

There's just too many highs, too many lows,

too many mids, it's gotta be bipolar.

So I wanna keep tabs on things.

I have lost weight.

I'm actually only 14 pounds overweight right now.

I used to be 35, so,

it's not a good sign.

My hope is that by exploring the depths of despair,

maybe I can get inspired again

and be able to share something with you that's beautiful.

- [David] Sorry, do you need to film me

for your video journal?

- [Gerry] Do you mind?

'Cause you're my roommate and I need your perspective.

So if that's cool,

what have you noticed about me recently, David?

- Aside from the usual,

you don't do anything around the house.

When was last time you cleaned the bathroom?

Have you seen the sink up there, for god's sakes?

And you know, I really don't appreciate,

speaking of the bathroom, you freaking out on me last time.

- [Gerry] Hey, look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, okay?

I, honest to god, I, you know how I enjoy my baths

and you just, you kept knocking, dude, so.

- What kind of grown man takes baths?

Look, I'm going away for six weeks, I'm gonna go pack.

- [Gerry] Oh, hey, have a great trip, David.

And listen, when you get back,

feel free to knock on the door

as much as you like in the bathroom

because I don't mind, it's totally cool.

- Great, and you know what?

You know what else would be fantastic?

If you stop watching me when I sleep,

that would be just awesome.

- I really don't know why he had to bring that up.

But come to think of it,

I guess "murder box" wasn't

really my last creative endeavor.

It was that YouTube channel,

"dressed as Gerald Gerald Geraldson."

Unfortunately, because of the depression,

well, I was drinking a lot at the time

and I passed out.

Just so happens I also sleep walk.

It's a disease.

Have a good trip.

- Jesus, you're still fucking filming.

- [Gerry] I just wanted you to know that when you get back,

you can expect a residual check for "murder box".

- Great, I can finally get

that cup of coffee I always wanted.

Really, you're still fucking filming?

Look, do you... - I want an honest opinion.

- All right, you want my opinion of what I think about you?

- [Gerry] Yes, please.

- I think you're acting a little nuts

and I think when I'm gone,

you should find something to preoccupy you,

get engaged with something, maybe a,

schedule a couple sessions with that therapist, all right?

And stop hanging out with that idiot, Darren.

When you two guys are together,

you're like fucking children, it's horrifying.

You know what?

When I get back,

I hope that the person you are today

is different from the person you will be.

You could be better.

- It's October the second, 2020.

This is like my second video journal entry.

Okay, I woke up last night, three o'clock in the morning,

the witching hour.

My computer screen just turns on.

My desktop computer screen, which was off.

I think the desktop may have been off as well,

the actual tower.

Anyways, whole system just turns on.

Gerald Gerald Geraldson is on the screen,

playing to a sold-out crowd.

This is a show from like 2007

that I barely remember even doing.

It was something that was shot on like mini DV,

way back in the day when I conceived the character.

It was unnerving, to say the least.

So this is what I'm talking about here.

Like, am I certifiable?

Did this even happen?

I can't find the video anywhere, I don't know where it is.

It's not on the desktop, I can't find it.

I've been searching for it.

But it must be there, it has to be.

Logically, the video has to be there.

I've been looking online, I can't find any information.

Are there viruses that can like turn this on?

Can just turn your computer on, play random videos?

Can video files get infected?

I don't know.

I've just got this podcast now.

I was doing some depression blogs on the weekend

and I thought, you know what?

I'm an interesting guy, why don't I do a podcast?

Welcome to the "murder box podcast."

My name is Gerry Geraldson.

Gerald Varga, Varga is just my director's name.

So yeah, I directed "murder box".

There's been some reviews.

I'm just gonna pick a random review here.

I'm gonna spin the reviews like, you know,

and then just land on one and read it, okay?

So here we go.

All right.

Oh, well, unfortunately we landed on,

on a one out of 10, and it says,

"I really hated this flick."

All right, please welcome to the show, Mr. Jimmy Gannon.

This is the co-producer of "murder box".

Co-writer, one of the co-stars.

What do you think the main differences are

between doing a found footage film and a narrative film?

Like what would you say are the key differences?

- Yeah, I feel like, I feel found footage is actually harder

to make than a narrative, a cinematic film.

And the reason is because with found footage,

you're a little bit restricted because you're gonna,

you have to work within these guidelines

of making it look real, making it look like one take.

Making it look like you don't have all this film equipment

and lighting equipment and audio equipment.

So I mean, you know what you should do,

you should be teaching people

how to make found footage movies.

Why don't you start your own YouTube channel

and teach others how to do it?

- Remember Darren from "murder box"?

He actually said he'd liked to work on something.

So maybe I can give him a call.

- Yeah, well, I don't know, man.

I think, look, no disrespect to Darren.

He's a great actor and he helped us out on "murder box",

at last minute, but, I don't know, man,

I don't, I don't, I don't like him.

I think you should,

I reckon you should find someone else to help you.

- Oh, you're still mad about that nose comment?

I mean, I know, some people,

they just don't know how to react in awkward situations.

And you got to admit that when I first had the operation

on my nose after the cancer, it looked pretty harsh.

And some people just like to say

what they see in front of them, right?

They just say what's there, and that's just,

that was just his way of making light of it.

- You were a bit sensitive about it,

which is fair enough, and he didn't care.

He just like had a go at you anyway.

He picked on you, he teased you about your nose.

I think it went too far and I don't think he's a good guy.

I think he's bad news, man, I think you should,

I don't think you should hang out with hm anymore.

You should find some new friends.

- Well, geez, I definitely don't think I want him

to see this podcast, I'll tell you that, that's...

- oh, dude... - but, hey, you know what?

The way I see it is,

you know what, I've come to terms with the way I look.

I've accepted the way I look and I just think

I'm just the type of guy

that no one else wants to look like,

and that's just the kind of guy I am.

So hey, it is what it is.

Let's face it, nobody would want to look like this, but.

- Man, you're being way too harsh on yourself.

You're a good looking guy.

- Well, thanks man, I appreciate it.

Look, it was great having you on the show, Jimmy.

Thanks for checking out the "murder box" podcast.

This has been my guest, Jimmy Gannon,

and we'll see you next week.

Remember, it ain't easy being creepy.

All right

today is October the fourth, 2020,

this is my journal entry, try some new makeup today.

See if I can get rid of some of the redness.

Hmm..

It's actually not bad.

Number one horror man, Gerry,

fucking cars. (Car softly rustling)

Number one horror man, Gerry Geraldson here with another

found footage how-to video, (Engine loudly rumbling)

And that's my pal, Darren.

Oh, thanks for making it.

- Fuck, dude, sorry, sorry, man.

- [Gerry] Hey, that's all right.

You are like an hour late, but that's okay.

- Sorry man, fucking slept in. - Eh, no worries.

It's all good.

Cool. - All right,

so what are you want to do?

- [Gerry] Well, we're gonna just do

the found footage how-to video.

That's the plan. - Okay.

- [Gerry] That's the idea.

- All right, no, that's good.

Where, down here?

- [Gerry] Yeah, yeah, we'll just be all over the place.

We're just gonna go,

dude, it's like, it's like fucking 10

in the morning, man. - Whatever, whatever.

- It's 10 am.

It's all good.

Just like any good found footage film,

like "paranormal activity" or "the Blair witch project,"

after you build a little bit of tension, you want to have

those small payoffs. (Stick softly crunches)

What was that?

Did you hear that?

I heard something.

Very subtle, nothing big.

Because what happens at the end of the film,

that's what's big, that's your...

(wood softly knocks) Whoa!

Holy shit.

You can record some of your sound on site.

But what you want to do is you want to record it

from the actual distance that it happens.

Darren, please, Darren.

Thank you, you want to record it from the actual distance

where it takes place on camera.

So if there's a bump that happens in the night,

right down there behind that tree,

we want to record that behind that tree.

And then we can dub it in later if we need to, okay?

So I like to do my foley sound effects onsite.

So yeah, you just grab some sticks.

Some people it's all about Hollywood, not for me.

I'm not a guy that wants to go to Hollywood.

I'm in this because I like pure cinema.

Found footage filmmaking is pure cinema.

I'm telling you right now it is, it's pure.

All right, so it's very simple.

You record your sound effects.

Here we go, just like this, right?

(Wood softly knocks)

Ow, fuck, shit, that just came to my eye, man, fuck.

Christ, man, I just got that in my eye.

Okay, I'm all right, I'm okay.

- [Darren] No, you're pretty deep in there, man.

I think you're gonna have to...

- I'm all right, no, my eye's okay.

It just freaked me out.

So here we go, sound effects.

You want to get a good

bang, bang, bang, right? (Wood softly knocking)

Get some good sounds.

How's that sound, Darren?

Sound good? - It sounds like a stick, yup.

- Yup, okay, now Darren,

Darren, what I wanna do, I want you to do now,

and for the viewers on YouTube, what we're doing here,

I'm gonna now simulate the sound

of someone running behind a tree.

So it's a scene in a found footage movie

where the camera, you hear someone,

it sounds like they go (softly mimics whip) Behind a tree.

And what we're gonna do is we're gonna

actually film that happening, okay, here it goes.

All right, here's the sound effect, you ready?

(Leaves softly shuffling)

You get that?

- [Darren] Sounded real, man.

- Okay, great, we got it, Darren, we're good.

Yeah, I think we're,

(branch softly crunches) Fuck, Jesus, man.

What do you think, Darren?

- Um... - Not bad, or?

- [Darren] Yeah, I'd watch it.

- You'd watch it, yeah?

Okay, I guess, what we could do now is let's, you know what?

I feel good about that, let's do...

A lot of people talk shit about found footage films

and say they can't stand the shaky cam effect.

Well, thanks to in-body image stabilization,

it's no longer an issue.

Come towards me and let's go.

- Tomorrow, and tomorrow,

and tomorrow creeps in this... - Darren, I just,

I just need you to walk, look at the...

- petty pace from day to day - Darren, we're not doing

Shakespeare for this, I just need you to...

- to the last syllable of recorded time-

- [Gerry] I just want to show them the

stabilization of the camera... - And all our yesterdays

have lighted fools, the way to dusty death.

- [Gerry] Darren?

- She should have died hereafter, okay.

- [Gerry] Now for this one, I want you

to just stare really intently.

- [Darren] Okay.

- [Gerry] As you can see, this is fairly stable.

It's not really shaky at all.

- Tomorrow, and tomorrow... - and this is...

- and tomorrow. - No, no, no, no.

- We're just gonna do... - creeps in this petty pace

from day to day. - Just look intense, no,

we're not doing Shakespeare. - The last syllable

of recorded time. (Gerald softly sighs)

- That is the last syllable, thank you, okay, let's go.

- Oh, yeah.

- [Gerry] Beauty.

Oh, this is nice. - Okay.

- [Gerry] Look at that tree, man.

Holy, look at that thing.

- Fuck, you could kill somebody down here, man.

Nobody would know.

Let's do some Shakespeare down here, man.

- We got to work on the shots I had planned.

One thing that's really important too

is that you understand the difference

between the foreground and the background

and how to utilize them.

- Is this a dagger I see before my hand,

its handle toward my hand?

- Now, one thing that I've discovered,

and this is from my previous film

of doing "murder box", (Darren softly mumbling)

Is that it's really effective to have a forward

and backwards-facing mic, do you mind Darren?

I'm trying to do this sound demo.

Can you hold on, please?

We'll get to it, okay?

Darren, Darren, are we good?

Start again now, (softly sighs)

You know, this is so, you're just throwing me off, man.

I can't concentrate now.

Now we have a plane. (Plane softly humming)

Now we got to wait for the plane.

I coulda got the shot had you not started mumbling away

into your soliloquy.

- I have two words for you.

What would Kubrick do?

- So if I speak into the camera,

facing the camera, we have the-

- "if I speak into the camera, this is what,"

(Darren softly mumbling)

I'll be over here, man.

I'll just, I'm gonna go up this way.

(Darren softly snickering) - Thank you.

- [Darren] No problem, man, I just,

I need you to have your moment.

- [Gerry] Yeah, okay, you'll get yours.

- Yeah. (Softly snickering) - Okay.

Okay, so if... - I'm gonna fire up my bike.

- By having a shotgun mic in the front and the back,

it's critical to capture your sound from both directions.

So I'm now talking into the front mic,

now I'm turning around, I'm talking

into the back mic. - Back to front,

front to back. - We're in the front,

we're in the back. (Darren loudly mumbling)

We're now in the back of the camera,

speaking behind the camera.

We're now in front of the camera

and we're speaking in front of the camera, and...

- toe of frog. - Darren is speaking

to the side of the camera, Darren!

When you're building tension

in your found footage movie,

it is absolutely critical

that you have very, very, very long shots in your movie

where absolutely zero happens.

Oh, okay.

(Gerald loudly yelps) Shit.

Dude, don't scare me like that.

- See that?

- [Gerry] See what?

- Fucking scary.

Bear.

- What are you looking at?

- [Gerry] Holy shit!

Darren?

Hey, Darren?

Hey, wait up, dude.

- Hey! - Hey!

Man.

Well, Darren's decided that's it for the day.

I feel like I'm not done, I just, I don't know.

I just feel like I'm just getting started.

So I'm gonna come back later tonight.

One of the issues you run into

with found footage filmmaking,

well, any kind of filmmaking, really,

is issues with low light,

especially with these type of consumer,

prosumer-grade cameras.

So I ordered this new video light online

and we're gonna test it out, see how it works.

I can't see much.

If you wanna make found footage movies,

you gotta live these woods.

This is about as bw as it gets.

Just think about all the,

think about all the crimes that happened in the woods.

All the pagan sacrifices, (Branches softly crunching)

Rapes,

murders.

This is definitely not the best video light for the job.

But it's something.

You just gotta think about how old this forest is.

It must be 2000 years old.

I don't know, I don't know

what the fuck I'm doing out here anyway.

Fuck!

(Gerald loudly grunting) Fuck!

(Man softly laughing)

What the fuck, man?

You crazy fucking cunt!

Are you out of your fucking mind, man?

- [Darren] Got you, man.

- Jesus Christ, how long have you been out here?

(Loudly grunting) Hey, whoa!

Fuck, dude, stop, stop that shit, man, seriously, fuck!

- It's fucking funny, man, see?

See, that shit... - oh, god!

- That's what you needed "murder box", man.

Fuck, that's funny.

- Fucking jump scares? - Your face...

- [Gerry] Jump scares?

- Yeah totally, man, totally... - I don't fucking like

jump scares, I don't want jump scares...

(Darren loudly grunts) Hey!

Fucking, Darren! - Hey, whatever,

it's a mask, man, it's a mask, big deal.

- [Gerry] Yeah, it's a mask from a great fucking movie,

a great movie.

- It's a movie, you know?

It's a movie, it's, you got a movie, fuck.

- [Gerry] Why you gotta put down my achievements, man?

It was a good movie.

Other movies have millions of dollars for marketing.

I don't have millions of dollars, Darren.

It was a good movie.

- Yeah.

- [Gerry] I can't believe you'd say that

about "murder box," man.

The reviews were good, man, the reviews were great.

Could you slow down please?

Jesus Christ, dude, I'll break my frickin' neck here.

- Try to provide light.

I guess you got a flashlight.

Fuck.

- [Gerry] I mean 6.2.

- Oh, fuck, are you still on that?

- Six point, dude... - fuck.

- [Gerry] It got 6.2 on imdb.

I mean, sure, there's not a lot of reviews,

but still, it's pretty good.

The critics loved it.

They did, I know there's only a few of them,

but they loved it, okay, they liked it.

I just don't know why you're so unappreciative, you know?

I put my heart and soul into that

and your performance was singled out, people liked you.

That was some good exposure for you, man, you know?

What, you think you're gonna get that with "Macbeth"?

What'd your girlfriend think of it?

- She didn't watch it.

- [Gerry] Really?

What kind of girlfriend doesn't watch your movie?

What about your ex-girlfriend?

What'd she think?

- Fuck off. (Gerald softly laughing)

- [Gerry] Yeah, you're right.

Maybe "murder box" wasn't the greatest film,

but I don't know, it's probably the best movie

you've ever been in.

I mean, considering the films you've been in

from looking at your filmography.

- Just. (Gerald softy laughing)

- [Gerry] Think I could do Shakespeare?

- Fuck, anybody can do Shakespeare.

Fuck, Keanu does it.

- [Gerry] Oh, Keanu Reeves, I love Keanu Reeves.

- Yeah, most people do.

- [Gerry] Yeah, I'm not sure he has

a pretty high opinion of me.

- Yeah, he talks about you every morning.

(Gerald softly chuckling)

- Gerry Geraldson here.

We're about to go on adventure number two.

(Car door softly clicks) (Car door softly beeping)

I'm excited.

But one problem.

I bought this car six months ago.

It's 2016.

It's not supposed to break down yet.

Just like I'm not supposed to get skin cancer at my age.

Oh, well, my life is shit.

Okay man, what's up?

- You ready?

- [Gerry] I'm not feeling so well today, man.

Why don't we have the camera?

- Trust me, man, I'm gonna change your life today.

I'm gonna change your life, come on, man.

- Okay, buddy, okay. - Come on, man, come on.

I've been thinking about this for weeks.

You've been going through some hard times, right?

- [Gerry] A shitty time, yeah.

- I know your car died, right?

So, it's $3000. - I'll get it fixed

in a couple of weeks.

- Okay, yeah, but still, it's $3,000, right?

- [Gerry] Yeah, how much longer are we gonna be doing this?

Like I'm seriously, I don't feel that great.

- Gerry...

- [Gerry] I kinda just wanna go have a drink.

- Gerry, we're building suspense, all right?

Okay, so, let's stop here, let's just wait, okay?

Can I take the camera?

- [Gerry] Why?

- I just want to show you something.

I just need your reaction, all right?

Thanks man, okay, so just, just trust me.

So if you see...

- Is this your dad's car? - Right beside you,

yeah, that's my dad's car and you know what?

And now it's now it's...

- it still runs?

- [Darren] Now it's your car.

Yes, it does run, and it's your car, dude.

- Oh, wow. - You made it, ger.

You made it, man. - What, I made it?

- Yeah, you can have this car.

I'm gonna give it to you, what do you think?

You made it, man. - I can borrow it, great.

- [Darren] Well, you can have it, you know what I mean?

So... - I can have it?

- [Darren] Yeah, 'cause, well, we're gonna do

that Macbeth thing, right?

So I thought if...

- well I'm, I'm getting the car fixed in two weeks.

So I mean, I can probably... - Well, I know, but...

- I can use translink for the time being.

- But why not, man? - Take the bus.

- [Darren] I'm giving you car, don't you want it?

- Yeah, thanks man, that's great.

- [Darren] Well, there you, 'cause...

- thank you.

- [Darren] I'm just, I'm trying to help you out, man.

You're going through a tough time, so...

- oh, wow, it's great, I like it, awesome.

- [Darren] Good.

- You wanna go for a drink?

Back to the house?

I got scotch.

- [Darren] Well, don't you wanna take it for a test drive?

Like I'm giving you a, don't you wanna drive it?

- Yeah, yeah, we can do... - just see how it rides?

- Sure, we can do that, okay, all right, let's go.

Today we're improvising found footage horror scenes.

We're gonna be looking for locations in the forest

that are interesting where we can come up

with interesting... - can you say something

about me giving you the car?

'Cause I gave you the car, so just,

could you just say a little something

about that. - That was like a week ago

that you gave me the car.

- [Darren] Well, I know, but it took you a week to use it,

which is surprising to me, but, cause it's,

I mean it's a nice car, right, you like it?

- Yeah, I told you I like it,

I like it. - Well good, yeah,

it's vintage... - it's a car, it's a car.

- [Darren] It's a vintage car, so I just.

- Vintage?

It's like 1994, '95?

- '95, yeah, it's a '95, yeah. - I don't think that's

vintage, is it?

- [Darren] Well, 20 years, I think, isn't it?

- I thought '80s was vintage, no?

- [Darren] Anyway, if you could just say something

a little bit, something (Darren softly mumbling) Yeah.

- Today, I'm out in the woods and I'm looking for,

sorry, this part, sorry, dude.

I gotta improvise it, sorry. - That's fine, yep.

- Gerry Geraldson here, your number one horror man.

If you watch as many found footages, oh fuck.

Gerry Geraldson here, your number one horror man,

and if you watch as many found footage films as I do,

you know a lot of this stuff isn't scripted.

It's made up on the spot.

Instead of using a screenplay,

people just use a rough outline.

Well, today we're gonna walk around the woods

and we're gonna look for environments

which we can create scenes organically from.

How was that? - Yeah.

- So, does your new girlfriend know

about your ex-girlfriend?

- [Darren] What?

Look, dude, why don't you just keep your nose,

what's left of it, out of my business.

- Wow, you're all class today.

- [Darren] What?

- Nevermind.

- [Darren] Why am I filming this?

- In case we see something.

- [Darren] There's nothing out here.

We're not gonna see anything, man.

- Yeah, well, last time we saw a bear.

That was the highlight of the day.

- [Darren] No, I think me coming at you with an ax

and you running away like a scared little school girl,

that was the highlight there, buddy.

- Yeah.

(Flask top softly opens)

Why you gotta drink all the time?

- [Darren] Don't worry about it.

- You gonna tell that to the cops when they pull you over?

- [Darren] I said don't worry about it.

How long are we gonna walk?

I'm tired. - Until we find something

that we can create a scene organically,

something in the environment.

- [Darren] Won't find anything out here,

there's nothing out here, it's woods.

- Oh yeah?

What's that?

- [Darren] What's what?

- That over there.

- [Darren] Where?

- There.

Is that a body?

Shit, that looks like someone's a leg.

Oh yeah, well, with covid and the housing crisis,

there's more and more people living out here.

Hello?

Anyone home?

Anyone...

Homeless?

Hey, check it out, man, pine needles.

Yeah, it looks like a happy birthday.

- [Darren] What is this, man?

Looks like the downtown east side.

- They got voodoo down there?

Hey, check this out.

Come here.

I thought it was someone's house,

but it looks like it's someone's temple.

Hey, man, got a lighter?

- [Darren] No, I don't have a lighter.

- No?

It's okay, I got one.

- [Darren] What are you doing, man?

Don't, don't like those.

- Why not?

- [Darren] You know what that is?

- Oh, man, it's just a bunch of bullshit, okay?

- [Darren] Yeah, come on, we should get out of here.

- Darren... - don't do that.

- Darren,

are you drunk?

Are you?

- [Darren] No, I'm not drunk.

Are you drunk?

Remind me of my uncle, that nose of yours.

My uncle had cirrhosis of the liver, man.

See it in his fucking nose, don't do that.

Come on, let's go.

- Really, you never told me about that uncle of yours, huh?

Cirrhosis of the liver, really, yeah?

- [Darren] Yeah.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Wasn't skin cancer?

He didn't have skin cancer, did he?

- [Darren] I don't know, man, might've.

- You don't know?

- [Darren] No, I don't know.

- All right, let's go man.

- [Darren] All right, let's go.

- If you wanna go, let's go. - No, let's go.

- [Gerry] Okay, we'll go.

All right, Darren.

- [Darren] Uh-huh?

- You ever think what would happen if that

bear had just like turned on us

the other day in the woods, you know?

We're deep in the woods,

you ever think about that? - No, no.

- Fucking huh?

- [Darren] Fuck, man.

- You ever think about what would happened

if I just decided to turn on you right now, huh?

What would you do?

Come on, tell me what you'd do.

What would you fucking do, man, huh?

- Wouldn't do a fucking thing, man.

What are you doing? - No?

- What you getting at? - I don't know.

Come on man!

You want me to fucking... - holy fuck.

- [Gerry] You want me to fucking kick

your fucking head in, huh? - Fucking, dude, no.

Fuck off, dude. - You scared?

You look fucking scared.

- Fuck off, dude. - How's this, huh?

- Fuck off.

- [Gerry] You need jump scares, Darren, huh?

- Just fuck off.

What's the matter with you? - How effective

are jump scares, huh?

- The matter with you?

- [Gerry] What's the matter with me, huh?

- Fuck off, dude. - We got skin cancer, huh?

I had skin cancer.

Get out of here, dude. - You know, fuck you

and your whole fucking found footage.

- [Gerry] Just get out of here, pal.

- Yeah, I'm going.

- [Gerry] Go, get goin'.

- Little powder on that fucking nose of yours.

Fuck you, fuck off, fuck off.

Done with you, man.

- It's October 31st, 2020.

It's taken me almost two years to be able

to look into this camera lens again.

Today's the day I sever my friendship with Darren.

And if he ever crosses me again,

I'm goin' sever a lot more than that.

I can turn it on or off anytime I want.

I've explored the comedy with Gerald Gerald Geraldson.

And if he ever fucks with me again,

I'm gonna explore the murder too.

Well, it's gonna be dark soon.

It makes sense to shoot the improvisation in the dark,

but I don't have my new video light with me.

So back to the car it is.

I really can't stress enough the importance

of working with good people.

If I'm not mistaken,

it's around here somewhere.

Ah,

there you are.

Hey, hello?

Hey, anybody there?

(Thunder loudly crashes)

(Rain softly tapping)

Let's say we talk to the other side.

"No, no, what are you doing?

"Don't touch that, don't touch that."

"Don't touch it, do you know what that is?"

Yes, I fucking know what that is, Darren.

Stop being such a fucking pussy, man.

You're lucky someone of my caliber even speaks to you.

Fucking punk.

Well,

technically you're supposed to use two people for this,

but I'm kinda like two people, so.

I'll just use both hands.

And I move from side to side, yes to no, yes to no,

is anyone out there that wants to communicate with me?

Anyone at all?

Anyone out there wants to communicate with me?

Come forward, speak to me now.

Does anyone want to speak to me now?

Is there anyone in the spirit world

that wants to talk to me, huh?

Anyone at all.

Speak to me now.

Yes or no, going once, going twice.

Any ghosts, yes or no?

Any demons, yes or no?

Anyone.

Okay, either I had a stroke or my hand just stopped.

You know, I smoked some weed before I came in this tent

And I didn't think it was very good,

but now I'm starting to think

maybe it wasn't so bad, you know?

Can I get a name, please?

Can I get a name?

Who are you?

(Animals softly howling)

Oh, hey lady.

Lady, you okay?

(Woman speaking foreign language)

- [Gerry] Hey, hey, no stop.

Don't come near, okay? (Speaking foreign language)

- [Gerry] What do you want, you want cash?

I don't carry cash.

(Woman speaking foreign language)

- [Gerry] Lady, you're starting to creep me out, okay?

- I see him, he with you.

- [Gerry] What?

Hey, hey, you fucking junkie, what are you doing?

What you doing, put that down, hey!

- [Woman] You're so ungrateful, Gerry.

You deserve to die.

- [Gerry] Whatever, lady.

Have fun living in your fucking bush home, you crazy bitch.

- [Creepy southern voice] It ain't easy!

(Gerry breathing heavily)

Feelin' a bit empty, are ya?

Not for long.

- [Gerry] Thank fuck.

(Mysterious sound lightly clattering)

Get out of my bed!

I know it's you, Darren, I know it's you.

Don't mess around, man.

What the?

Shit.

- [Man] Scared yet?

(Footsteps softly thumping)

- I can't really say why, but for some reason,

laying next to this fake severed head,

I don't know.

It's probably false security, but I just feel more safe.

I've had this thing here since 2010,

it was made for me by a close friend, a dear friend

who's a special effects artist and a ventriloquist.

And we toured together.

I used to keep this thing out on the mantel,

look at it every day.

After a while it started to creep me out a bit,

as it should.

It just started to remind me of my mortality, you know?

But now,

it feels like a pet, you know?

Like a, you've heard of therapy dogs?

It's kind of like a therapy head, you know?

When I was a kid, I grew up on a farm.

Then my parents moved out here.

But before that I lived on a farm and I had a pet.

And back then,

I was a lonely kid.

Kinda like how I'm a lonely man.

And that pet gave me comfort.

Unfortunately,

I think that the demise of that pet

may have been the beginnings

of this here.

Of this head.

I don't know if I want to talk about that.

But sometimes I think

it's all my fault.

And what's happening to me right now,

I fucking deserve it.

It's the only way I know how to not give a shit, you know?

Fucking nobody's gonna believe me.

I can't call the cops.

Did kind of a shit job rolling this.

It's probably a good thing.

With 36% thc, I can afford to lose some of the smoke.

I don't feel anything yet.

Holy fuck.

I've never greened out yet.

Okay, okay.

So anyway, like I was saying,

I don't remember what I was saying.

Holy shit.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Okay, yeah, you're okay, ger,

yeah, you're (lightly chuckles) (Softly exhales)

(Gerald loudly screams)

Oh my god.

Oh my god.

I just dreamt that I slit Darren's throat.

I just dreamt that I slit Darren's throat.

Who's that? (Floor softly creaks)

Who the fuck is that?

Don't fucking make me come around there, man.

Gerald?

Gerald?

Don't fuck with me, man.

I'm an honest man.

I'm an honest man.

You want to meet your maker, huh?

(Floor softly creaks)

So after last night's excitement,

this video popped up on my desktop.

I was able to find it this time.

It was in the recycling bin.

For some reason,

it's the same one as before.

- About two weeks ago,

I come home around four o'clock in the morning,

I'm drunk, (audience loudly laughing)

My girlfriend, she comes stormin' out of the bedroom faster

than a gopher in a gopher-hole gas fire,

(audience loudly laughing)

She says, "Gerald, what the hell you think you're doin'?"

I said, "well, what's it look like I'm doin', huh?

"I'm bangin' around pots and pans,

"and I'm watchin' "evil dead" on one TV,

"and "evil dead 2" on another, (Crowd loudly hooting)

"At full volume!"

(Audience loudly laughing and hooting)

And she apologized 'cause she realized she was wrong.

(Audience loudly laughing)

- Today is November 2nd, 2020.

This is my journal entry.

It's happening again, 3:00 am.

- I enlisted a homeless woman to murder Gerry Geraldson.

She couldn't do it.

It went against her moral turpitude.

Then she apologized 'cause she realized she was wrong.

(Gerald softly snickering) (Recorded crowd laughing)

(Recorded crowd laughing)

Door creaking

Door creaking

Ah!

What the fuck.

I'm going to die soon.

Thanks so much man, I appreciate it.

Yeah, okay, thanks again.

Alright, see you later. Okay, bye.

It's November 3rd.

This is my journal entry.

So there it is.

There's the board.

It's the same one from the forest.

And I think I get it.

Yes

no

I looked outside, there's no sign of a body.

My Christmas lights are torn down.

I leave em up all year.

And I guess the're down now, that's good.

Well, Gerald...

I guess I'm in a real found footage movie now, huh?

Well, you got one thing wrong, pal.

There.

That's better, fucker.

Well, I got the car fixed.

My friend, Jason, fixed it for me.

He's giving me three months to pay for it.

Now that is what friends are for.

That's a good friend, great friend.

Only I could also find a friend to help

kill the monster living in my house.

Now that would be a great friend.

- [Darren's voice] I'll be your friend, Gerry.

You gotta be fucking shitting me.

Such a thing as boundaries, Darren.

What the?

(Light softly clicking) What the fuck?

Oh, this thing.

Wait a second.

Friend, I could use a friend, how the,

how the fuck could he hear me inside the car?

Christ. (Hand softly thumping)

Cheap fucking products.

Piece of shit, loose battery, what the...

- We finally meet.

You know what I hate about horror movies?

- [Gerry] What?

- How the killer always walks at you.

- [Gerry] This is not happening.

He isn't real, okay fuck, he's real.

(Shoes loudly running)

- Did you know that if you chop the head

and legs off at chicken,

you can use it as a football?

At least until the guts fall out. (Softy snickering)

Well, I guess I'm alone right now.

Am I alone, Gerald, huh?

You're along for the ride, pal?

I hope you are.

I'm at my parents home.

I don't feel any safer.

"There's no place like home,"

don't protect you from the supernatural.

That's okay.

I have a plan.

He thinks he wants back in.

What he doesn't realize

is that there's only one Gerald Gerald Geraldson.

And he's right here.

Fuck is this doing here?

(Metal loudly clangs)

(Mysterious object softly taps)

(Door loudly creaks)

Gerald?

Darren.

- Oh, hey, Gerry.

- [Gerry] What are you doing here, Darren?

- I'm just, I'm checking out your security.

Not very secure here.

- [Gerry] Darren...

- only took me 20 minutes to get in.

You know, anybody could get in here.

- [Gerry] Whatever you're thinking about doing,

just don't.

- I just need a place to stay, Gerry.

That's all.

- [Gerry] I'm filming you, man.

- Sheryl kicked me out, all right?

- [Gerry] You do anything,

I'm gonna show this to the cops, man.

- I just, I need a place to stay, Gerry,

that's it, all right?

- [Gerry] Okay.

- I just got nowhere to go.

- Okay! Okay! - All right?

Sheryl kicked me out.

- [Gerry] Can you just put the knife down, please?

Can you just put the knife down, please?

- What knife?

Oh!

Yeah.

Yeah, no problem.

Yeah.

- [Gerry] Okay, all right. Let's just chill out,

let's have a drink, let's talk, okay?

- I can stay here?

- [Gerry] Just take it easy, well, let's just talk.

Let's have a drink, all right?

You want some scotch?

I got scotch.

- I don't want scotch.

- [Gerry] It's not like you to turn down a drink.

- Oh, you know how it is, Gerry,

when your house floods, you got nowhere else to go.

- [Gerry] I thought you said Sheryl kicked you out.

- I say that?

- [Gerry] You did.

- Then that must've been what happened.

- So how you doing Darren?

- Doing great, Gerry.

- Yeah? - Feeling powerful.

Unstoppable.

I feel humble, Gerry.

(Darren softly snickering)

- Well, I can't really relate to you on that,

except for maybe the humble part.

- Well, that's because you're

an ungrateful little pig, Gerry.

- Ungrateful?

I've heard that before.

- Really? - Yeah.

- How 'bout that?

- Yeah, how 'bout that?

- You got a bit of an attitude, Gerry.

You tryin' to start something with me?

- Well, you come into my house, uninvited...

- I'm a guest, Gerry! - Hey.

You're an intruder.

You know, the day you and I had that fight,

I ran into this crazy lady, this junkie,

out in the forest.

She was creepy, but I don't think she wanted to hurt me.

Just out of the blue, she said,

"I see him, he's with you."

I looked over to see what she was looking at.

When I looked back,

she was trying to stab me with a needle.

She's just coming at me, Darren.

- Well, drugs do strange things to people, Gerry.

- No, no, no, no, it wasn't drugs.

I could see in her eyes, she was coming at me,

but she didn't know why.

It was like someone else was pulling the strings.

It was right then and there I knew, I knew.

I mean, you were told not to play with that.

- Well, had I known it belonged to a witch,

I probably wouldn't have played with it, Darren.

I summoned something that night.

Something from within.

And I think it wants to get back in.

- Why don't you just let it in, Gerry?

- Because I cast it out.

Now for it to get back in...

- it needs you dead.

- Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

Do you know why you're here, Darren?

Do you know why you were in the garage a minute ago?

Holding a knife?

- I don't remember getting in, Gerry.

I remember, I remember I knocked on the door,

and then I,

and then I was in.

- Why are you filming this, Gerry?

- Because a lot is happening.

And Darren,

a lot more is about to happen.

- You know what, Gerry?

I'm gonna sit here.

I'm gonna drink my tea.

And then when I'm done,

you're gonna make me another one.

(Darren softly snickering) In geraldson tone

- Gerald Gerald geraldson here,

with another found footage,

"how to fuck up your best friend."

(Tools lightly clattering)

Christ.

Please, please, let there be enough

for one last application.

Well, well, well.

Well,

if it isn't my own shadow.

You expected me to crawl back in my hole?

Is that it?

I got news for you, son,

it ain't fucking groundhog day.

Hey!

You think you're the real deal, huh?

The real deal sittin' right here.

And he's got a full house full o' pure evil!

Why aren't you bound right now, huh?

I mean, I'm your god.

I'm your maker.

Say it, "you're my god."

Say it, bitch, "you're my god."

I want you to say, say it!

- He's not afraid of you, Gerry.

You didn't make him.

He's always been there.

He wants you to take the knife, Gerry.

Yeah, that's what I thought!

(Door lightly creaks)

(Leaves loudly crunching)

- [Gerald] What you doin' in my yard, huh?

- Is this a dagger I see before me?

Handle toward my hand?

If it were done when 'tis done,

then 'twere well it were done quickly,

if the assassination could trammel up the consequence

and catch with his surcease success,

but that this blow might be the be-all end-all here.

But here, upon this bank and shoal of time,

we'd jump this life to come.

In these cases, we still have judgment

that we but teach bloody instruction, which,

being taught, return to plague the inventor.

This even-handed justice commends the ingredients

of our poisoned chalice to our own lips.

He is here on double trust.

First, as I am his kin and subject,

both strong against the deed.

Then, as his host,

who should against his murderer shut the door,

not bear the knife myself.

(Darren softly snickering)

(Door loudly shuts)

(Door loudly clicks)

- [Gerry] Don't let him in, Darren.

You're much stronger than him.

(Hair clippers buzzing)

That's it, I'm getting the cops.

Rippling sound

- are ya scared of your shadow now?

(Softly snickering)

For me to live, you must die.

- [Gerry] I'm not dying today.

- Well, we'll see about that.

- I don't wanna hurt you, Darren.

- Okay sure.

What kind of pussy

gets beaten up by his own fucking imagination?

- Oh my god.

Oh my god, Gerry.

Gerry?

Gerry?

Gerry?

Oh, Gerry, Gerry?

Holy fuck, holy fuck.

Holy fuck, oh fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Gerry.

Fuck happened with...

Fuck, I gotta clean this, I gotta clean this up.

I gotta clean this up.

Holy fucking, I'm not going down for this, fuck this, fuck!

Gerry, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

(Gerald gasping for air)

(Gerald softly snickering)

Holy shit, oh, man, I thought you were,

I thought you were fucking dead, dude.

Oh, dude, you're fucking bleeding, Gerry...

- Gerald Gerald geraldson here with another

found footage how-to stand up horror comedy video.

(Darren's shouting softly muffles? My nose!

At least he knew to bring extra batteries.

All right, now for some standup horror comedy.

Found footage how-to stand up horror comedy video.

Yeah, so, I dumped my girlfriend the other day

in the river, hey-oh! (Softly snickering)

All right, now for some standup horror comedy.

(Darren softly groaning)

Hey, how 'bout some observational humor, huh?

Yeah, so, I dumped my girlfriend the other day

you ever noticed how easy it is to botch a murder, huh?

- What the fuck?

What the fuck?

What the fuck?

Gerry, what are you doing, what are you doing, man?

- [Gerald] You know, Gerry was right.

(groaning) Hey, how 'bout some observational humor, huh?

Long shots. (Softly snickers)

Builds suspense.

- Gerry, what are you doing, man?

- [Gerald] I don't know if I can walk any slower.

- Gerry, don't fucking, fuck, we're friends, Gerry.

Gerry, what are you doing, man?

Don't do this, don't fucking do this, Gerry.

Gerry, what are you doing, what are you doing, man?

- [Gerald] Darren,

Darren, I'm sorry.

- Gerry?

Gerry? (Loudly grunts)

What the, what the fuck? - Die already!

- What the, what the, oh, fuck me, oh, fuck me.

No, no, don't do this, no more.

- And the winner is...

- [Darren] Don't do...

Gerry? (Loudly grunts)

- Now that's what I call a killer set.

Goddammit!

I look like a fucking disgrace!

(Softly snickering)

Gerald Gerald geraldson here with his first ever video blog.

Well, well, well, Darren,

looks like what's left of your nose

is my business after all, huh?

(Softly snickering)

(Door softly knocks)

Who is it?

It's me, David.

Who do you think it is?

- David? Oh!

(Softly snickering) Sorry, David.

I'll be right out.

- [David] Can you hurry up, please?

- Of course, David.

(Light upbeat acoustic guitar)

♪ You're following ♪

♪ me around and ♪

♪ invading my dreams ♪

♪ you make me feel ♪

♪ as if ♪

♪ nothing is as it seems ♪

♪ count the days between your spots ♪

♪ and your mind, will you back off ♪

♪ let me live ♪

♪ my life ♪