Original subtitles

Welcome to the castle of Count Krelski.

Release her, you monster!

You fool.

She cannot hear you.

Your precious Maria is in my power now.

Maria, my darling, come to me.

Our love is more powerful than a vampire's trance. Come to me.

Come to me, Maria.

Trula.

Oh, Quaid.

You've forgotten one thing, Kroski.

No, Victor.

It is you who have forgotten.

Listen.

Listen to the night.

And hear a song.

Kill your soul.

Run,

Maria. Run!

Hello?

Hi, Peter. I was hoping you'd call.

Could you do that somewhere else?

Thanks.

Hey, come on. This is the revenge account of Girl Skits.

No, it's not. It's the revenge of Chelsea Hanson.

So what are you doing?

No, it's just my dumb brother watching some vampire movie.

Do you think a mere mortal can stand up to me?

To Count Gretzky?

Why should I go upstairs?

Adam should go upstairs.

Prepare to meet your doom.

How's your doom?

I can't.

Sorry it took so long getting home.

Adam?

Mom?

Hey, come on. It was just getting good.

Thank you. You're welcome. Is that Peter?

It most certainly is.

Could you tell him you'd call him back after you finished your homework?

I gotta go. My mom's home.

Oh, no.

Don't tell me you're watching the movie.

Adam said it was okay.

You know Taylor's scared of monsters.

No, I'm not.

That's just where I like to sit.

I just don't want you to have any nightmares, honey. See, that's the

believe that watching The Revenge of Count Krulski is an effective way for

Taylor to come to terms with his fear.

As far as I'm concerned, that is a PG movie. That means guidance from me, the

parental, or whatever.

Do you want to help me make dinner?

Yeah. Okay.

All right, you two, homework, upstairs.

Now!

Moms. Kids.

Vampires.

Cool.

Come in.

Hey, you got a minute?

Oh, yeah, just doing my homework.

I've got some news.

What's up?

Well, see, honey, when people get divorced... Hey, is that Dad's wedding

invitation?

You knew?

Oh, yeah, he told me last weekend when he took me to the football game.

Well, what about your brother and sister?

Yeah, they know, too. Taylor's bringing in the rings or something.

Didn't you know?

No, I didn't.

Well, guess I rehearsed that speech for nothing.

Dinner will be ready in ten.

Mom, you're still the bomb.

Is that good?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Saturday night.

Are you up?

What's Saturday night?

Hello? The Harvest Festival?

I don't know. I mean, I guess.

You guess?

Are you kidding?

The Headless Horsemen are playing.

Yeah, but that's been sold out for weeks.

Didn't I tell you?

My brother thinks he can get us tickets.

No, you didn't tell me. Oh, yeah. He's answering phones at the radio station

now.

Just saying maybe.

Dude, just maybe.

See you after class.

Yeah.

See you. All

right, guys. Let's talk

homework.

Since it was only a one -page essay, I am going to assume that you all did it.

Who's got something they'd like to read in front of the class?

All the usual suspects.

Okay, hands down.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's go off the map to a country we haven't heard from

a while.

Who I admire most, an essay by Adam Hansen.

Can I take a rain check? I've still got some problems, you know, just with the

way it flows.

Adam, I'm sure it flows.

Just beautifully.

All right.

Are vampires real?

There are those who believe they are.

But... If vampires walk the earth, who can stop them?

One man, Malachi Van Helsing, a noted hematologist who abandoned his thriving

New York City practice to devote his life to hunting down the undead. The

vampires that Van Helsing himself believes walk among us.

Are you making this up?

No, it's right here in the Weekly Secret, see?

Oh, yes, I see.

Right beside the story of the baby who was raised by orangutans.

Right.

Dude,

I heard you pulled out a copy of the Weekly Secret in your history class.

Yeah, so just because you read something in the Weekly Secret doesn't mean it's

not true.

Actually, it kind of does that, huh?

Whatever. So what happened with your brother?

Are we going to the show?

Radio station, the Headless Horseman.

Oh, right.

He didn't get the tickets.

He got his backstage passes.

Backstage passes?

Yeah, my brother's driving.

Can you come in here for a minute, please?

Yeah, sure.

What's going on?

Sit down.

I just got off the phone with your history teacher, Mrs. Curson.

She told me that you didn't do your assignment and that you threw something

together based on a made -up story in the Weekly Secret.

I think we need to look at the bigger picture here, Lynette.

Excuse me?

Since when do you call me Lynette?

I'm just trying to dialogue here. You're 13 years old. You don't dialogue.

And the bigger picture is, I told you to do your homework, and you didn't do it.

I got a handle on it. No, you don't. You're too young to have a handle on it.

I'm not a baby.

No, but you are a kid, and you're part of this family. And the rule in this

family is, if you don't do your homework, you're grounded.

Mom!

Busted! Just for the weekend.

But Duffy got backstage passes to Headless Horseman concerts.

Well, then I hope Duffy did his homework.

No, I mean, Duffy got me one, too.

Please, man, have your permission to attend a once -in -a -lifetime musical

event.

Can't talk you out of this one.

Excuse me, this is between your brother and me.

You know what? You're right. I should be grounded, just not for this weekend, so

tell you what.

Instead of grounding me for the weekend, ground me for the whole week. No TV, no

computer, no nothing.

We'll just start Sunday. How's that sound?

Please?

Sorry. That's the way it is.

Enjoy your weekend, dweeb.

You know what, Chelsea? Just for that remark, you're grounded, too.

Mom, you can't. I've got a date with Peter tomorrow night.

Well, maybe if I lock the two of you up together, you'll learn to get along.

You're such a genius.

Don't you knock.

Lay off.

Mom grounded me, too, remember?

Yeah, but I think I might have a way out of it.

What's on your mind?

Well, see, if we can get Mom on a date tomorrow night, well, she'll go out,

we'll go out.

Then we'll come home, then Mom comes home.

I get to go to my concert, and, well, you get to go out with Peter, who, by

way, is a loser, and, uh... Mom never asked to know.

Yeah, but Mom hasn't been on a date since... well, since she and Dad split

Yeah, but look at all these ads. There's got to be someone in here for Mom.

And how are you going to get to him before tomorrow?

Well, excuse me, Chels, but isn't this the 21st century?

Every guy in here has an e -mail address.

You can't e -mail some guy you've never met.

Well, why not?

I mean, it's not like it's some creep in a chat room.

All these guys have come pre -checked by the newspaper.

Why don't I feel better about this?

All right, look, we'll find some guy and set up a meeting in public.

Or you could just call up Peter and tell him that you have to stay home all

weekend to play fish with your little brother.

Give me that.

Okay, here's one.

Caring, thoughtful male, 40, great sense of humor, refined taste, easygoing, and

currently incarcerated.

What's incarcerated?

It means he's in jail. Oh, not good. Um, wait a second.

Continental gentleman.

Handsome, debonair suave, enjoys long strolls beneath the full moon. Loves

adventure, travel, wild animals, and women who long for romantic nights that

will never end. Looking for a delicate flower just waiting to blossom.

Hates Italian food and turtlenecks. Whatever, he's great.

Okay, so...

Wolfsbane at netherlink .org.

All right.

Dear Wolfsbane, read your ad. We want you to meet our mom.

It's a surprise, so don't mention that we wrote you.

Adam!

Chelsea!

She'll be at the Foodmaster on 6 at 8 o 'clock.

Dinner's ready.

The market?

How are we going to get Mom to go to the market?

Just follow my lead.

You have received new mail.

Look, I know you two are upset about being grounded, but it's not the end of

world.

It's not that, Mom. It was just that I was thinking, you know, how our family

used to be.

I'm remembering Saturday mornings. I'm remembering pancakes.

I'm remembering being happy.

I can make pancakes. I have pancake mix and eggs and everything.

Do you have chocolate chips?

No.

I'm remembering we had chocolate chip pancakes.

We're all so happy then.

Yeah.

Vampires come out in the rain.

That's it. I don't want to hear another word about vampires from this family.

You guys want to, uh... Okay. Whatever.

All right, if Wolfing's here, we'll find him. You start in Delhi. And remember,

suave debonair hates Italian food.

Come to papa.

You know what I hate?

I just can't stand Italian food.

How about you?

Really nice.

So, buddy, you look like the type of guy who enjoys long strolls beneath the

moonlight. Am I right?

Yeah. I'm talking about a fabulous night with an incredible woman.

Well, happy anniversary.

Guess that'd be a no.

You didn't find him?

Well, did you?

Slav Debonair, man of the world.

The guy was probably making the whole thing up.

Maybe not. Look.

That is so the guy.

Right. Come on.

Out there?

Actually, no. We need to get one more thing.

What's that?

Well, we don't know, but it's around here.

Yeah.

Come on. Oh, my goodness. I'm so sorry. No, no.

Entirely my fault. I do apologize. No permanent damage done, I trust.

No, there's not.

Mom, there's something.

Was this dated before?

Uh -oh. Well, perhaps we should exchange driver's licenses.

Uh, no. Mom, there's something I really... Come on!

What about Wolfsbane?

Can't you see what's going on?

Mom's making a love connection.

Are you crazy?

This guy's a nut. He thinks he's in the parking lot.

He's flirting you, dweeb.

And Mom's going for it.

Chelsea, this is Dimitri, uh, Dentatos. Right, Dentatos. It's Romanian.

Or maybe Hungarian.

So, Dimitri, my mom's something, ain't she? Smart, funny, beautiful. You know,

she used to sing in a rock and roll band.

Oh, is that so?

About a million years ago.

So, um, Dimitri, come here often?

No, actually, I don't. I'm new to the neighborhood.

I'm restoring the old madhouse down by the lake.

Oh, man, that place is supposed to be haunted.

Oh, you'll have to excuse Adam. He's kind of got a thing about monsters.

Oh, really?

So, did you see Revenge of Count Kralski last night?

Actually, no.

My mom, she made me turn it off.

Well, I'm sure she had good reason.

Thank you.

So, Lynette, are you headed for the register?

Didn't you guys want to get something else?

No, no, no.

We're fine, though, so let's go.

Nice try, Taylor.

So

you're

a doctor?

That's right, trauma specialist in the emergency room.

Yeah, you know, between working nights and sleeping during the day, I barely

a chance to grocery shop.

But you know what?

I'm glad I did.

I'm busy. What is it?

I'm still looking.

All my readings indicate this location.

You know, Lynette, I need to use some time off from the hospital.

What do doctors do on their time off?

Well, I can't speak for the medical profession as a whole, of course, but

I'm sorry, what am I saying?

You're married.

Oh, no, actually, I'm divorced.

Oh, really?

Well, in that case, would you do me the honor of having dinner with me tomorrow

night?

Oh, I don't know. I mean, you seem sort of...

What am I saying?

I don't mean why not as in I don't care. I mean why not as in why shouldn't I?

So can I take that as a yes?

Yes.

Good.

You know, I am so close I can taste it. There's a vampire in that market, and

I'm going to find him.

I don't want to hear another word about vampires from this family.

Peter, hey.

We're totally on for tomorrow night.

We got my mom a date, that's how.

So what time are you going to pick me up?

Forget what I said before, Duffy. I can go to the concert.

What? How could you give my backstage pass to Boomer?

I know what I said before, but I mean... But... We gotta meet.

No, you, me, and Boomer.

Bye.

That's all I've got.

Well, it's not enough.

It's kid stuff.

How could you give my backstage pass to Boomer? I thought you said you weren't

going.

But here's what I don't get.

Why Boomer?

I mean, he's a tent creator who hasn't done anything for us except take our

lunch money.

I figured this would be a step toward better playground relations.

Yeah, me and Duff are friends now.

Come on, Duff, let's go to the arcade.

Wait, I happen to know you have a crush on a certain high school girl.

I'm going to tell him how you thought of his unattainable.

You got a crush on somebody?

What's unattainable?

Well, it means you didn't stand a chance.

But consider this. You happen to know.

You can give me a date with Chelsea.

You like Chelsea Hanson? Come on.

She is my sister.

Yeah, but it's got to be like a real date.

Like, first we'll go to a kung fu movie, and then we'll come back here for

burgers.

Done.

And I got to get to kiss her goodnight.

Oh, I can't guarantee that.

Oh, well, then I can't guarantee this.

Okay, a kiss.

On the lips.

Okay, a kiss on the lips.

If a guy turns into a bat, he's a vampire, isn't he?

Yeah, that'd do it.

Is that bad?

Well, only if he's after you.

Then you're toast.

He turns you into toast?

No, he turns you into a mindless minion of the undead.

All right, look.

This vampire finds some pretty girl, then turns on his charm.

And then when the girl falls for him, he takes her home, puts her in a trance,

then chomp!

But sometimes a wimpy hero guy shows up and they start to fight, and then if

there's gonna be a sequel, the vampire gets away.

Wait.

What about the girl in the trance?

It's all about true love.

You know, it's like this girl just has so much love for this goofy shirt hero

guy that, well, she gets out of the trance.

Like that could be the vampire.

I'm going backstage.

I don't believe it.

What did you have to do for Boomer?

Oh, yeah, well, I'll tell you later.

How do you stop a vampire?

Well,

don't invite him into your house, or you can stab him with a stake, or you can

steal your coffin and keep it till sunrise.

That's what happened in the house of Frankenstein. Well, kind of. I'm not

talking about a movie.

I'm talking about a real -life vampire.

Real -life vampire.

And, uh, you're gonna have to find a vampire hunter.

Like this guy, Malakai's on housing.

But good luck finding him. The newspaper calls him a mysterious shadowy figure.

We gotta call him.

Uh, mysterious shadowy figures?

Don't have phone numbers.

We gotta do something.

Mom's got a date with a vampire.

Dimitri?

Mom was right.

Shouldn't be watching monster movies.

But he turned into a bat.

I saw it. I did.

Hello, Chelsea.

How are you?

Hi, Dimitri. How are you doing?

You just going to stand up there, please? Come in, won't you?

Thank you.

Oh,

Mom, you look great.

Oh, hi.

Dimitri's here.

Okay, well, I guess I better get this over with.

What's wrong?

The guy's a total babe.

No, he seems really great.

It's just that I can't do this.

Excuse me.

What's going on?

Mom's freaking out.

Mom's freaking out?

Everything's fine.

You look great and Dimitri's nice.

It's dinner time, you're hungry, and I'm sure he is too, so let's get going.

It's not that simple.

See, there's a time when you do stuff like this, and then there's a time when,

don't know, it's just too late.

What do you mean too late?

Well, you make choices.

You get married, you work a job, you raise kids, you get divorced, and you

become the kind of person who, I mean, who doesn't date.

Who says?

Well, it's who I am.

That's not who you are.

That's what you've done.

Who you are is what's inside of you, and as long as you're true to that, nothing

else matters.

Oh, yeah?

Who told you that?

You did.

You say it all the time.

I mean, come on, this is only the first date.

I'm sure it won't be too intense.

Let's hope not.

Thank you.

Well, I think it's safe to say that I have a very nice evening planned. I

thought we'd start with dinner at Renfield's on Main Street, then maybe

dancing, followed by a romantic carriage ride through the park.

Or we could just go to the Harvest Festival for a couple of hours. Have you

been? No, I mean, the Harvest Festival? Come on, nobody there but a bunch of

headbangers going to a rock and roll concert.

No, Adam, it's great.

We could try to knock over some milk bottles and maybe win ourselves a great

stuffed alligator.

Well, yeah, I think we'd be better off sitting in a horse -drawn carriage just

rolling softly through the moonlight.

Or bumper cars.

I mean, same thing, basically.

Whatever. Why don't we start with dinner and see where the evening takes us?

Yeah, so time's a -wasting. You two have fun now, okay?

Okay. You two be good.

Where's Taylor?

Oh, he said to say goodbye. He's real busy upstairs now.

Taylor, honey, we're going.

We won't be late.

Go ahead and be as late as you want. Later. Stay out later than you want.

Showtime.

Gosh. Yeah, onion number four.

Malachi Van Helsing.

Yes, I can spell that.

learn in this business is people.

When you walked onto the lot, I said to myself, this guy is here for one thing

and one thing only.

May I borrow your clipboard, please?

Sure.

Thank you.

Gentleman was here tonight, about six foot, dark haired, and he bought a

car with cash.

Yeah, yeah, he got one just like this, but it was red.

Of course it was red.

This is Malachi Van Helsing. My mom's going out with a vampire.

We had the mark and I saw him turn into a bat.

Leave a message and I'll return your call as soon as I can.

Leave your name, address, phone number after.

Hi, this is Taylor Hanson.

I live at 1344 Wedge Lane.

He was looking for someplace nice to eat.

I guess he had a date or something, huh?

Did you suggest a restaurant?

No, I told him all the best joints are on Main Street.

Glowing footprints.

That guy was a freak, wasn't he? I knew that guy was a freak. I knew it.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. What about you?

Huh?

Pets on?

No, thank you.

He thinks Dimitri's a vampire.

A what?

Don't worry.

I'll get him. If he finds Mom, she's gonna come straight home.

You realize that, don't you?

Taylor!

Listen, I gotta go.

No, it's fine. I'll call you back.

What are you doing?

I think I'm gonna trust you.

Okay, we've got like a half an hour to deal with this.

And then get back here. No kidding.

So have you decided yet?

I have a confession to make.

What's that?

I think you've got the wrong woman.

How do you mean?

I don't know.

You seem like the type of person who's probably been everywhere in the world.

Well, I haven't been to the South Pole.

But why don't you try the steak?

It's good for the blood.

The point is, you seem like you lead this romantic, exciting life. And, well,

it's not who I am.

Lynette, if there's one thing I know, it's people.

You don't know me.

We just met.

No, that's true. Maybe I don't know who you are.

But I do know who you could be.

And maybe, just maybe, that's what tonight is all about.

Maybe.

Yeah, well, it didn't. Come on, we're almost there, all right?

May I interest you in a bottle of wine?

I don't drink.

Why? I think we'll just stick with water for now.

Perhaps some garlic bread to start. No, thank you.

There it is. Come on.

What is with you? I'm not going to let Demetri turn mom into an onion.

A minion.

I told him that vampires turn people into minions of the undead. Why am I not

surprised that this is your fault?

Come on, sport, we gotta take you home.

Tiffany's probably waiting at the house right now.

Call a babysitter?

Come on, you like Tiffany.

You said so.

Yeah, besides, Chelsea and I got places to go.

You're gonna let a vampire get mom just because you want to go out? All right,

all right, look.

I'm a monster master, right?

Yeah.

Vampires, werewolves, even robots from space. I can spot them a mile long.

And Dimitri, he's not a vampire.

You guys set this up so you could go out.

This was your fault.

Okay, so we did.

So what? I mean, it's not going to kill Mom to go on a date.

Yes, it is, because Dimitri's a vampire.

All right, look.

I'm going to go in there and find out if this guy's really a vampire. If he is,

he's dead meat. And if he's not, you have to go home, put your jammies on,

hang out with Tiffany.

And not tell Mom that we went out. Do we have a deal?

Okay, deal.

You better know what you're doing. Don't worry, I got it wired.

Hey, Mom.

Dimitri. How are you guys doing?

What are you guys doing here?

Is everything okay?

Oh, everything's fine. I just wanted to apologize for watching that movie last

night. I think it got to Taylor.

He's a vampire.

A vampire?

Who is?

It's my fault for letting him watch the movie.

He's got in his head that, well, Dimitri here is a vampire.

Which we all know he's not, but instead of tell Taylor here that he's crazy and

give him a lifetime of self -image problems.

So we have to prove I'm not a vampire.

You know, maybe I should go home. No, no, no. I mean, it's just that you can't

because... I think what Adam's trying to say is if you go home now, then

Taylor's going to spend the rest of his life thinking I was a vampire. Right,

right. We need some sort of test.

Right, a spoon test, right. A vampire can't... That's right, hang a spoon

on his nose.

Right, right, the old Transylvanian test.

Really? So you mean you're going to make me take the spoon test?

You've got no choice.

But if I'm really a vampire, then... That's right, you'll explode into a

pieces. The entire restaurant will be sprayed with your bloody chunks. So

vampire, best drink.

Wow. I think it's a chance we've got to take.

Maybe I should get some extra napkins, just in case.

Hand me the spoon.

Am I still here? You're still here. Oh, thank goodness.

You see?

I guess I'm not a vampire.

Okay.

Sorry. Are you sure you're okay, honey?

Yep, everything's fine.

Fire's out.

See, if you'd come home now, he'd feel terrible, wouldn't you? Of course you

would. So, um, you know what? We're going to leave. So, bye, Mom.

Bye, Dimitri. You guys have fun. Good night.

You were really good with the kids. Well, I love children.

I think they're sweet.

Well, I wouldn't call my kids sweet, but they are good kids.

Well, you've obviously done a very good job with them.

I don't know. Sometimes I'm not so sure.

Well, I am, Lynette.

You know, I see a power in you, Lynette.

No, no, maybe not a power.

More like a...

A fire.

Just smoldering just beneath the surface.

I think it might be time to let that fire burn.

Wait just a second.

Bye, Taylor. See ya.

Can I put my bike away, please? No.

What is with you, anyway? We have to get back to the restaurant.

Peter will be here in like ten minutes. Forget about Peter.

Dimitri's a vampire. I saw him. I mean, I didn't see him. In the mirror at the

restaurant? Yeah, right.

No, I'm serious. The guy didn't reflect in the mirror. Just mom and nothing.

Come on, we gotta get her out of there.

If he was a vampire, wouldn't he be a little bit more... evil?

He's trying to make her fall in love with him. If she goes too willingly,

she's, well, his forever.

You're going to miss your concert and screw up my date. If we don't do

something, Mom's had it.

Please, you've got to believe me.

Well, I don't. Well, what if I might?

Come on, Chels. I need you.

I hate you right now. You know that, don't you?

I'm okay with that.

This is great. Thank you. No, thank you.

So, shall we?

There's more?

Well, of course.

It just gets better.

Okay. Where to?

I thought maybe we'd find someplace quiet, enjoy a beautiful night.

Why don't we just walk a little? How does that sound?

No, I'm not making this up.

Yes, I know it's crazy.

I know. Okay, come on. They're going.

No way. Yes way. I got an eight. See?

You want to play again?

No. Now you really, really have to go to bed.

Okay. Good night.

Totally.

Totally.

Totally.

No way.

Are you Malachi Van Helsing?

What a good day.

Do I know you?

I saw you in the market.

You want to come in?

I should probably just stay out here.

It's okay. I read it all about you. I called you.

It's not like I don't know you.

Totally. Hey, Tiffany.

This is Malachi Van Helsing. He's a vampire hunter.

A vampire hunter?

It's okay. I asked him to come over.

He's got to go to bed now. He has to go to bed.

Okay. Okay.

Want a cookie?

Uh, no thanks.

My mom made them. They're really good. Totally.

I'm going to save it for later, all right?

Now, this guy you called me about, did he meet your mother last night in the

supermarket?

Yeah, but Dimitri's not a vampire.

Adam did the spoon test.

Oh, no.

That's why they went back.

That's why who went back?

My brother and sister.

He went after the vampire.

Why would they want to do a thing like that?

He's got her mom.

Do you have any idea where they went, Taylor?

Yeah. It's a place called Reinfeldt's or something.

And then they're going dancing.

Okay, thanks.

Wait!

I want to go with you.

I'm sorry, kid, but I'll work alone.

It's my mom.

It's too dangerous.

I can help.

No, you can't.

It's the way it is.

Vampire hunter?

I don't believe

it.

I can't believe this place is still here.

We have to go in. No, wait a minute. You want to go in there?

Well, you said you wanted to go dancing.

Don't you like rockabilly music?

Well, of course I love rockabilly music.

What, you want to dance? Come on, let's dance.

You like kids and rockabilly music.

I'm dreaming.

Come on.

Alice, I could get Mom away from Dimitri.

Maybe I could get her out of there.

And just how do you propose to get inside?

That's great.

The name's Jim.

Yeah, that's right, Jim. Jim, that's what they said.

Who said that?

Oh, just some girls in the back. They're like, oh, Jim can't dance. Blah, blah,

blah, blah, blah. He's a loser. Blah, blah, blah. You know, just stuff like

that, right?

They dance all the time.

Well, it just looks like they're standing around.

But see right over there, there's a girl who really isn't dancing with anyone.

And, well, like they know anything, right?

Excuse me, kids.

Yes, yes.

Hi, I'm Jim. Would you like to dance?

Um, oh, this guy has me dance.

Would you mind?

Oh, of course I don't mind.

But you must...

What?

Seems he's changed his mind.

Wait for it to go left.

What are you doing here?

I climbed out my window.

Go left up here. Listen,

Taylor, you've got to get out.

You can't just leave me on the street. I'm eight.

You can't come with me. I'm going after a real live... a dead vampire. Do you

get that?

It's my mom.

You get that?

Look, I'm sorry, Ken. I really am, but I can't bring you with me. I've got to

drop you off, okay?

You can't. You're responsible for me now.

All right, look. If I say duck, you duck.

If I say hide, you hide.

And if I say it's too dangerous... It's too dangerous.

I got you.

Put on your seatbelt.

You'll never guess where I am.

Hey, check this out.

Way back before most of you were digging this whole rockabilly scene, there was

a bunch of gals called Cowgirl Blues who used to tear this joint up.

Now, I've been told by a very reliable source that one of the girls is here

tonight. You're all real good and clap real loud. I'll bet we can get her up

here. Come on up the net and belt one out for old time's sake.

You'd do that?

For Lynette Hanson?

You bet.

We missed them, didn't we?

Hey, kid, we're just getting started, all right? This isn't over yet, not by a

long shot.

You said they were going dancing?

Dancing?

Where would you go around here if you wanted to dance?

How would I know?

I'm eight.

up the wall.

Is that a vampire thing?

Yeah, that's a vampire.

Because Dimitri's a vampire.

Afraid so.

Who's going to bite mom?

If he gets her alone.

All right, I'm on board.

What do we do?

What happened to the bikes?

Oh, he did that with his bare hands.

cowgirl blues.

Can you believe I haven't sung in 15 years?

What have I been doing?

Sounded great.

So, are you enjoying yourself?

Are you kidding?

I just wish I could go on like this forever.

Well, that can be arranged.

I totally know where we should go next.

Somewhere quiet, perhaps?

Yeah, right. Okay, turn left up here. Stuff like this always happens to the

guys in Count Kowalski movies.

Okay.

So what happens next, genius?

All right, all right, all right.

In the movie, Count Kowalski gets the girl alone and says, Come to my castle,

darling, and I will show you wonders beyond imagination.

And she falls for that.

So not, Mom.

Good point.

Besides, he wants her to like him, right?

And when guys want you to like them, they go wherever you want them to go.

He's not a guy.

He's a vampire.

I don't care if he's Frankenstein.

Guys are all the same.

Okay, so where did Mom want to go?

The Harvest Festival.

Except that's like five miles from here.

Not a problem.

Give me your phone.

What beats a vampire?

What beats live?

A hearse? I don't know. Some intense red sports club. But we have to find my

mom.

As soon as the concert's over.

Forget your concert!

Right.

All right, dudes. Doc Bowser.

Come on, Duffy. You've got to help us.

We've got to go, man. Sorry.

Come on, Boomer.

Somebody's got to be selling an extra ticket. No.

I'm going to the Harvest Festival with Chelsea.

So you're going to help us?

No.

Come on, Chelsea. Hungry? Let's go get a corn dog.

No, I don't think so.

Vixen. Money's hard to get.

Candid, Boomer.

No. You can it, Adam.

We had a deal, man.

You had the concert pass, and I got a deal with your sister.

Yeah, well, the deal's off.

I thought you were my friend.

I am. Right.

Chelsea, wait!

Come on, Chelsea, wait up!

I can't believe you!

I mean...

You promised that creep a date with me.

For a concert ticket.

I wouldn't talk. We just did the same thing to Mom. And that was your idea,

Look, Chels, that was a lousy thing to do.

And when I did it, things were different.

I was different.

That was this afternoon.

Look, I've learned that if you don't respect the things that matter, it could

all fall apart on you.

I know that now.

And I'm sorry.

All right, come on.

But you're still a dweeb.

Hey, I'll bet that's the vampire's car.

There's like a million people here.

That's good. As long as they're in a crowd, Mom's safe.

How are we going to find them?

I suggest we split up, and then we're left alone with Dimitri.

All right, you find them, you

call me. I find them, I call you.

Turn that little knob to channel three, and that'll give us some privacy.

Now, let's find Mom, okay? How do we even know where to start?

It's Mom.

Think.

Mature.

I see everything from here.

Wait, Adam, I see them.

They're getting off the scrambler.

I see them.

Wasn't that fun?

Oh, it's all been fun. Tons of fun.

But now it's time to leave all this behind.

What are you talking about? I'm talking about forever and ever.

Whoa.

Slow down there, cowboy.

Look, tonight has been terrific.

I mean, I really feel like I met someone. An old friend that I never

see again.

That's not what you feel that way. That's the depth of our connection.

No, I don't mean you.

I mean me.

Well, that's you.

You must feel some deep, powerful attraction to me.

I'm sorry, Dimitri.

It's just, some people just don't click.

I mean, I had a terrific time.

I just feel like...

I want to be and who you are, they're very different.

How about the bumper cars?

No, I don't think so.

I hate this place.

I hate hillbilly music.

I'm tired and I'm hungry.

Looking for me?

Buddy,

come on. Hurry up.

Now, what are you doing here?

I want you to leave my mother alone.

But, Adam, I don't understand.

You sent for me.

That's not true.

Aren't you the one that sent the email?

Your Wolfsbane?

Yeah, I know.

All the good back. Vampire names have been taken by teenagers.

Now, you listen to me carefully, because I'm only going to say this once.

You leave me alone and let me do what I came here to do.

You're never going to make my mother fall in love with you.

You may be right. But what your mother wants is of no importance now.

Your mother is mine.

And there's nothing any snot -nosed 12 -year -old can do about it.

I'm 13.

And I'm a vampire.

And if you want to stay alive, you do well to remember that.

Come on, Lynette.

We're leaving.

Yes, we're leaving.

Look, Chelsea, he caught me. He said if we go after him, we're dead.

And if we don't, what happens tomorrow?

We tried everything.

We tried nothing.

We annoyed him.

That didn't work.

Chelsea, he's a vampire.

And this is our family, Adam.

I mean, it's like you said in the parking lot.

Sometimes you gotta try a little. If you wanna keep things together.

Now come on, you're the monster master.

Well, he probably would take her to his lair.

Are you sure?

Well, that's what would happen in the revenge of Count Krellski.

He told us where he lived, remember?

The old Mather house out by the lake.

Come on, we'll call the captain.

All right.

Here you go, thanks.

what I'm thinking.

We know they're not eating.

They might be dancing, they might not.

We don't know where they are, but we do know where they're going.

Where's that?

Back to his house.

And you know where that is, right?

I was hoping you could help me with that.

He likes really big houses.

The old kind of mansion -y places.

Does that ring a bell?

Out by the lake.

All the big old houses are out there.

How do you get there?

Go straight.

Good. Does your mom make it?

I don't live with my mom.

Where do you live?

Hotel.

Actually, lots of hotels.

Your mom make you sandwiches, Taylor?

My mom does everything.

Are you sure this is where you want to get out?

Yep. This is the place.

Suit yourself.

You know that... thing about sending an email to somebody you don't know?

Yeah. Yeah, well, you were right.

Listen, Adam, I just want you to know that no matter what happens, we're still

family, you know?

Even if it's just you, me, and Taylor.

We're still a family.

What are you talking about?

We've got to save Mom.

You know something?

I don't care what anyone else does.

You alright?

Well, thanks, Chels. You too.

Alright.

I don't think they're serious.

I wouldn't be too sure about that, Chels.

What?

We've got to find Dimitri's coffin.

Why? Well, it's his thing. It's where he sleeps.

See, if we've got his coffin, he won't touch Mom.

All right, I say we split up. I'll go upstairs, you check the basement.

No, you check the basement, I'll go upstairs.

Why don't we both go upstairs?

What are we going to do?

Wait, do you remember when you took the TV remote and kept it in your room?

Yeah. How did I get you to give it back to me?

You stole my cell phone. Right. And cell phone is to a teenager, what coffin

is to a vampire.

And Mom's the remote.

Yes, Grasshopper. Now help me get this downstairs.

This is where the whole cell phone coffee analogy breaks down.

Hold on a second.

The leg.

Perfect. Come on, Chels. Help me get this up a little.

We gotta go.

How's he gonna find Dimitri?

He'll point us in the right direction.

Welcome to your new home, my darling.

Would you mind waiting here for a moment, please?

Quick, okay, go hide. What are you going to do?

Just hide. Go, go, go, go, go.

Can they? Well, unless, of course, they're in their coffin. But I've got

coffin here.

Too bad.

Do you really think you can play games with me?

Oh, no game. And Sunrise is at six.

All right.

What do you want?

Straight up trade.

My mom or your coffin. One to one.

I've got a better idea.

I get my coffin, and you get your sister.

Don't do it.

Now, Chelsea is a little young to be my queen, but oh, she'd make a lovely

vampire princess.

Don't you think?

All I have to do is stay out here till morning.

Peter, I'm kind of busy right now.

Give me that.

All right, fine.

You stay out there as long as you like.

But when you do eventually paddle back in, you'll not only be an orphan, you'll

be an only child.

All right, hold on.

If I come back in, will you let her go? Forget about me, Adam.

If you come in...

I'll let her go.

All right, hold on.

I

need

you to stay just like that.

I'll be back.

Wait! I want to go with you.

Not this time.

But I told you, I can help.

The way you'll help, Taylor, is by staying here.

All right?

Everything is just about back where it should be.

We're not giving up.

Now, Adam, we had an agreement.

Oh, well.

Can't say as I blame you.

Actually, I wasn't planning on keeping my side of the bargain, either.

What?

That's what you put me through.

No way.

Leave him alone.

I can't say it's a pleasure.

Oh, no.

Pleasure will be all mine.

It's not going to hold him.

Let's get your mother out of here.

Come on, Mom. We've got to go.

Is this some sort of a trick to them?

to your brother, Dana.

I said, lead him along.

Are you standing up to me?

You're eight.

Eight and a half.

Oh, yeah.

That's a vampire spirit.

A room full of people and you're going to square off with an eight -year -old?

Yeah. Nice job. Real challenge. You really impressed him with this one at

vampire convention.

Enough! What is it with this family?

Don't you get it?

You're kids.

I'm a vampire.

I have the power.

Yeah, right.

Oops.

Tells help me.

She can't help you.

Are you two starting to understand what that means?

Mom!

played at nails.

Mom! Taylor!

You guys saved me. No, you saved us.

How'd you break the trance?

I don't know. Only true love can break a vampire's trance.

That's what it was, wasn't it, Mom?

That's what it was. I love you guys more than anything.

Hi. Hello.

Van Helsing.

We almost met at the market.

Lynette Hanson.

Lynette? Lynette!

You're the real Malachi Van Helsing?

On a good day.

And I believe you've met my partner, Taylor Hanson.

Uh, what's going to happen to that guy?

Well, we need to get him someplace with a lot of sunlight.

He'll go to my vault in the South Pole, and then this summer we'll just ship him

back to Finland.

Well, sun's up now.

I'm hungry.

Would you like to come for breakfast?

Breakfast?

Why not?

Sure.

Well, I never did make those pancakes.

Have you tried them with chocolate chips?

I already got them.

And it's a date.

Don't say date. Not a date. Mom doesn't date.

I date.

Just not vampires.

So, happy Halloween!

All right, all right, you can let me out now.

It's a joke. It's not a big joke.