Original subtitles

There's one fucking thing I want to know.

Why the hell was I given a fucking G .I. Joe doll?

What is that?

I mean, the guy's got no balls.

He's just like a plastic body.

And I looked at the thing. I'm like, what the fuck is this? There's no balls

this thing.

That's weird. That's a guy.

And he has those plastic hands, right? You want to pull those fucking hands

right out? What is that shit?

I hated that shit.

It's just not fucking real.

It's just not fucking real. And I've got to play with this thing. And that's

what I think life is. This fucking amoeba type of thing. This plastic thing

no balls.

It doesn't make sense.

It doesn't make sense. There's no fucking balls on a G .I. Joe doll.

What the hell is that? No wonder I had such a problem growing up.

Thinking fucking guys don't have balls. I was really fucking playing with dolls.

I'll never give my kid a fucking G .I. Joe.

Fuck that. No fucking G .I. Joe's for my kid, okay?

The kid's going to get blocks of wood and shit. He's going to go play with

snakes in the fucking woods the way I wanted to do if I had a chance over

That's how I'd fucking do it. I'd go out into the woods. I'd throw rocks at

things. I'm tired of this shit.

More.

Hi, what you're watching here is basically a home movie of my life.

This is the school where I went to. This is the building where most of the

classes took place, although I spent most of my time right here in the

center because basically I was avoiding the classes and doing work.

So, you know, that goes.

This is me on graduation day.

I really didn't show up to the...

graduation party but my mom made me wear the cap and gown that's that's my

brother waving yeah he's got problems yeah

so later that night we had a little party just uh me and my brother getting

little drunk and stuff as you can see you know getting a little wild

There are basically three things I did that entire summer.

One, which is to practice a game which would basically change the world and

around it and everyone that's involved.

And that game, of course, is basketball.

That's right, baby.

You know what I'm talking about.

Basketball is like life. You get one shot at that rim. If you miss the hoop,

game's over. So is life.

The second thing I did that summer was practice another sport, which gave a lot

of satisfaction, required a lot of skill, speed, agility, and just a

lack of life and everything else in the world. And that, of course, was, you

know, gunnery.

Third thing I did was hang out with my wonderful girlfriend, Natasha.

Mama!

She's the only thing that's keeping me basically sane in my life because

basically I don't have any job or any future of a job or

anything to do with my life. She loves me. She really does. I don't know why

keeps on pushing me down like that.

This is really why I went to school. I studied to become an artist.

It's really what I want to do with my life. And basically, I've studied

Rembrandt and all the greats. And I really think I have a great deal of

Look at that. Hey, Bob Ross, eat your heart out.

Can't hold a candle, you know what I'm talking about. So basically, after a

while, my dad threw me out of the house because he knew I couldn't get a job as

an artist. And basically, he was right. So I had to go elsewhere to find a place

to live. And so I decided to basically clean up my act.

So I bought a suit and polyester, of course, but, you know, for a good price,

like, you know, $50, and decided to go out and conquer the world. And that's

where we are right now.

So, yeah.

What's up, motherfucker?

Want to shake hands with the governor?

Hey.

What's up?

even while.

It's kind of funny, you know.

So, you know, so, how's my sister doing?

Still sleeping, what? Hey, good for you. I can understand why. Because like me

with tits, right?

Well, just remember, you got it now, but I had a way back when, you know.

So, you know.

So, it's so funny that I run into you, you know. I was just thinking about you

the other day. I saw on the paper that the guy, what cut his ear off? The

sculptor? What's his name? Yeah, Van Gogh. They got a thing in the city at a

museum on his stuff.

And I'm figuring, hey, man, you like Van Gogh, right? Monet.

Monet, you're thinking of. Monet.

And it's like I really don't like his stuff. It's like too derivative.

Renaissance. Yeah.

Yeah, me neither. Me neither. So, you know, what's up? What are you doing

How am I running into you? Looking for a job, man. I got an interview here at 2

o 'clock. Really? That's great. You know what? I got a job here. I work here,

man. We can work together like pals, man. It's fucking phenomenal. Hey, what

you doing late, man?

I get off at 4.

Great. Two of us can get together and shoot some hoops through the rock and

hole. Cool, man.

We'll play some basketball, too.

Cool. See you later. All right, man.

I'll see you when I see you. See you. All right. I'll see you first.

Hey, hey, hey.

Cool set, nerf set, all that shit. All right, cool. You ready to go, man? Yeah,

sure.

Are you going to cheat like this all day or are we going to play basketball? I

don't understand.

All right, I'm ready now.

Let's go, tough guy.

So, how'd it go with the job interview?

Yeah, we're all right, man. Yeah, what's the matter? You don't sound too

enthusiastic about it. What's the matter? You don't like the place? I work

there. I got a nice car, wallpaper in the apartment, everything like that.

because only a real shitbag would work there.

Well, you know, if you're interested, I can hook you up with a gig that will get

you some good cash money flow. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, well,

cleaning toilets and exactly what I consider, you know, a career move.

Look, man, that's not all there is to it. I just do that on the surface, you

understand? So people think I'm on the up and up. Right. I'm in with some guys

that I could, you know, introduce you to to get you in to get some good cash

money, man. What do you think? I think cool, man. All right, then. You ready?

Yeah.

You know what that is? No idea. That's my fuck face, because I'm going to fuck

you up.

Come on, chicken lady.

You know, badminton, that's my game. I kicked your ass in badminton.

pictures of girls in your wallet.

She had these beautiful... Hey, man, this is Jack Winston, guys. This is Jack

Winston, but anyway, she had these beautiful nipples real big. You could

them like that.

Jack,

I want you to introduce you to all these guys.

Give me a chance here. This is Jack. He's going to be running with us today,

man. How you doing?

Over here, we got Bruce Epstein.

Stein, stupid.

Sorry, man.

Next, we got over here, Francois Hoffenfasser.

What's up, Jackoff?

Next in, we got Tyrone the Man Nussbaum. Don't let his size fool you. He's a

motherfucker. Yo, blast my dad.

Over there, we got Mike Nagashimi. Don't be offended. He's kind of retarded. He

don't say too much.

All right, so that's everybody. And, you know, just stay in line. We won't have

to shoot yet.

Let's go, man. I got the front. No, man.

You think he wanted to help you out?

No, no. All right, let's do that. One, two, three.

I got the front.

Hey, hey.

Front, back.

I got the front.

You wear underwear?

What?

Am I all right? Am I cool?

Do I have any on my face?

Let's go.

Don't mess with my presets. If Z100 ain't on, I'm going to be very pissed

Can I talk to you for a second? Sure, you talk to me for a second. Let me take

wild shot in the dark here. That's not flour on the back of the car, is it? No,

it's sugar.

Come on, relax, for Christ's sake. We're doing crimes here. We need to be loved.

Okay, Pete, yeah, right.

What are you doing? What are you doing? You can't walk away on me, man. I can't

walk away on you? Well, watch. No, don't walk away on me. Don't be a faggot.

Come on, look.

Coming down to, are you in or are you out? In or out?

I'm out. That's where I am. Get out. Go, go, be a fag. Go ahead, do it.

How much?

How much you want?

It all comes down to money. Don't bullshit me. How much extra?

Fifteen bucks.

Fifteen dollars?

Fifteen bucks. Please.

Twenty. All right.

Get in the back.

Hey, use a coaster. This shit was just stained clean for Christ's sake.

Go fuck up, man.

Pete, let me talk to you for a second, all right? What's up? You ready?

No, I'm not ready, okay? You guys do whatever you have to do because I don't

want to look it. I don't want to see it. I don't want to smell it, touch it,

anything. That's your business, okay? Jack, man, you're really embarrassing

man. You're fucking embarrassing me here in front of my friends. I'm trying to

hook you up. Oh, I'm so sorry, man.

Listen. Let's go, Pete. Hey, shut up! Hey, come on. Don't be talking in my

opinion. I got it. It's okay. It's cool, man.

Listen, man, just sit behind the wheel.

Keep the car idling.

Don't fuck with the presets and just wait for us to come out. Can you handle

that? Yeah, I can handle that fine.

Yeah, you wish. Hey, so what do I do if someone comes?

Don't sweat it. All you got to do is just sit there and let me know somehow,

somewhere discreetly.

All right, all right, all right. Hold on a second. Shut up!

Don't tell me to shut up, man. Jesus. All right, just take it easy, man. What

you want me to do?

What do you want me to do? What do you want me to do? Just relax is what I want

you to do. Call my name. Don't call my name. Use a cold name like Johnson.

Mr. Johnson. Hey, Mr. Johnson!

Something like that, but do it discreetly. All right, man, I'm coming.

cool, man. Come on, man, I'm nervous, man.

Don't punch the presets on the radio, man.

Gotcha. Mr.

Johnson's if the pegs come, all right?

Got that check off?

Hey, Pete, come here. Come here. What's up?

Fuck it with Jack off over here. There's nothing wrong with Jack, man. Don't

worry about Jack. Are you sure? I got it covered, man. Jack is cool. Where did

you meet this fucking guy?

Jack and me go way back. We pulled shit in the ice cream, man. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

He better be, all right? Because if he fucks this up, man, we are going to drag

him with that fucking car, okay? Don't sweat it, man. I got it. It's under

control. We have token big fucking money here, Pete.

All right. Don't worry, man. I got my boy under control. No problem.

You better, man. Can I ask you a question?

What? Where'd you get all this stuff from, man? Where'd you get such a

of this shit?

All you got to know is the Schlottnick boys are dead. The Schlottnick boys.

You better be straight, man.

Don't sweat it, fuckhead.

Sir. Not much.

You know a guy named Pete?

Yeah, he's buying or selling drugs over there somewhere.

Where? Yeah.

All right.

Yeah, I got this.

Where's the shit?

I got the shit.

Where's the shit? The shit's right here. The shit's right here in the thing. I

got the thing in the shit. Right here. Just like you want. You give me the

stuff, I'll give you the shit.

Look, wait, wait, wait, wait. I don't want any shit from you. I just want the

shit. Now you don't want the shit? No, I want the shit, but I don't want shit

from you. I'm not trying to give you any shit, but the shit I got here.

Well, that's what I'm saying. I want you to give me the shit. I'm going to give

you the shit. The shit that's supposed to be in the thing.

I'm not giving you any crap about the shit. I got the shit. You got the stuff.

You give me the stuff. I give you the shit. And you got the shithead with you.

He's back. He's okay. I just wanted the shit, not the shithead. Well, you got

the shithead. That's a special bonus. It's like a special guest star. You know

what I'm talking about? You got the thing?

That's unbelievable.

All I wanted to do was bring the thing with the shit in it. I can bring the

shithead along with you. And now you're giving me shit.

I'm not giving you shit. I got the shit.

Look, I got the stuff here. You got the stuff. Take the stuff. Give me the thing

with the shit. All right. Let's see the thing. And I'll fucking give you the

stuff. And then, you know, it's all right.

No, you freeze.

No, you freeze. No, you freeze. No, you freeze.

start with the basics here.

Name, you fuckface, you dickhead, you, you asshole, you, you cocknose.

Zach Winston.

J -A -B -K.

Yeah.

All right. Shut up.

Excuse me for one second. Is there like anybody here I can like talk to and

confess?

Occupation. You pocket pool player.

You scum sucker.

You scrotum scratcher.

You Michael Dukakis lover.

Yeah, I used to work on a sperm bank, okay?

Oh, yeah?

Did they pay you by the hour, or did they pay you by the spurt, punk?

Come on, I don't have time for this.

What? Just one thing.

I gotta go tinkle. Look, I'm tired of you dicking around me. What?

I gotta go tinkle. I gotta, you know.

I water the plants, loosen the fire hydrants. The fire hydrants, plants. I

the springs. Spring.

What the... Drain the dragon.

I got to... I got to... I got to piss.

I don't have time. Now you have to piss.

You got ten seconds. Let's go.

Oh, thank you, Arthur.

What the

fuck

are you looking at, needle dick?

Now what?

You know, when you fingerprinted me? Yeah.

I forgot to wash my hands.

You are such an asshole.

I want to get funded, Uncle Buck.

I want to get funded, Uncle Buck.

We do like private demand.

I want to get blunted, my brother.

I want to get blunted, my brother.

I want to get blunted, my brother.

I want to get blunted, my brother.

Hey Pete, Pete, how you doing?

Hi. How you doing? Hi.

I'm here to tell you some things I heard on the street.

I don't know, you might be interested in this, but you know this guy Jack

Winston?

No, I don't know Jack Winston. You don't know Jack Winston?

No. You know, I heard some things. I heard that you and your buddy, some coke

deal, coke deal went down.

I don't know.

You know anything about some cops, some cops that were killed?

No.

Hey, I want to tell you something right now. I want to tell you.

What do you think you would get if you connected the dots here? Because I see

like a Santa Claus with the little buzz on or like that Chubby the Whale from

Carvel. What do you call that thing? The Chubby the Whale. Chubby the Whale.

Chubby the Whale. What do you think you'd see when you get there? I see 20

for you, man. Why? I didn't touch her.

Hey, Sky Jack, you know what he's doing?

Hey, he's talking to his defense attorney right now in San Diego.

He's going to roll over on you.

I don't know nothing about that.

You know what?

If you give me ten bucks, I think I got a good shot with this girl. I think she

really likes me. My dime's almost up.

I don't have any money. I got nothing. Hey, I got nothing, man. You know what?

got to go. You know what?

That's a guy anyway.

Hey, that ain't fun.

I'm not a guy, are you?

Jack Winston.

Jack Winston.

Jack Winston.

Somebody here to see you.

The fuck?

Look who's the one guy who visits me in jail.

Now, you've got some fucking nerve showing up here, man. Where the fuck do

get off with this shit?

What, what, what, what? You want my shirt? What do you want from me? You

everything else I had, man.

Listen, I can understand and sympathize with your situation. Oh, really? I

understand you're very, very upset. Yeah, you bet I'm pissed, man. I'm very

sorry to hear that, but I'm here to bring you some lightning news that may

the time go a little bit quicker. Oh, really?

That's right.

What do you want? What?

You can't turn in the group.

I hear it.

From the grapevine that you're going to be squealing on everybody like a little

faggot stuffed pigeon. What, are they announcing it's over a blimp? Look,

is shit that goes on that you have no idea about. That's right. I'm going to

tell the police everything about you and send you and all your scummy friends to

jail. You can't do that. You got a problem? I can do whatever I can do.

America. It's a free country. Okay, wiseass. Mr. I got all my bases covered.

you want to hear the real truth about this? Yeah, why don't you tell me the

truth about this?

You love Natasha?

Love? I don't know, man.

You want to continue fucking Natasha? Let's put it that way. Yeah, I want to

continue fucking Natasha. Well, if you turn the group in, you're going to be

fucking Natasha in a whole new way, pal.

What do you mean? I already am fucking Natasha. What the hell are you talking

about? Natasha is in with the gang, okay?

What do you mean?

She cuts all the shit that we were selling. She's been in it from the get

okay? You fuck with everybody else in there. You fuck with her.

You send her away.

You're only going to be doing six weeks, man. Six weeks is a very long time. Six

weeks is a walk in the park. You sit in there, you play basketball, you improve

your game so I don't kick your ass. You learn about Vincent Van Gogh.

Why do you think I'm doing six weeks? Where do you come up with the six weeks?

Six weeks will fly like a bird.

If you fuck us, you're going to send Natasha away for years, man. Lots of

That's a longer time than six weeks, right?

I'll do it.

Believe me, you're doing the right thing. Six weeks will go by, no problem.

All you gotta do is keep your nose clean, keep your back to the wall when

walk down the hallway. Nobody will fuck with you whatsoever.

That's what I'm worried about exactly. Someone fucking with me, man.

I'm just gonna stay in my cell, eat big newtons all day, and anyone tries to

fuck me up the ass, I'll put the shit all over their dick.

Wow. I don't want to burst your bubble, but there are some enlightened members

of this prison society who might actually enjoy that.

Probably make you suck the dick afterwards, so maybe you should rethink

position.

Anyways, I'll see you in six weeks. You're doing the right thing.

Hang in there, kid. I'll keep Natasha warm for you.

I still wasn't sure if I was going to go through with Pete's plan. I mean, after

all, what the hell?

I tried calling Natasha on the phone several times, tried to ask her about

whole drug thing, but she never picked up the phone.

I mean, a woman doesn't even have an answering machine. How can I go to jail

a woman who came and purchased a machine or whatever?

You love Natasha?

I love her.

You love Natasha?

You love Natasha?

You love Natasha?

You love Natasha?

You love Natasha?

Mother Court, Your Honor, I will prove that my client, Jack Winston, is 100

% unquestionably, undeniably innocent.

And I will prove to the court, to the prosecutor, to the janitor down the

that my client, Jack Winston, is innocent of all charges brought before

He was nothing but a chauffeur, a driver, a patsy, and he is innocent.

Isn't that right, Mr. Winston?

Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly?

Well, I mean, you know, if I really think about it. Are you sure?

No. Are you positive?

I don't know. Are you absolutely positively sure? I'm absolutely sure. I

know anything.

Okay.

Mr. Winston, I have one question I would like for you to answer for me, for the

judge, the jury, and the janitor out in the hall.

Did you happen to notice any children in the vicinity while you were sitting in

the car as this drug deal was going down?

I don't know.

Mr. Winston, while you were sitting there in your car involved in selling

poison, filth, scum, scourge...

Were you aware of the fact that the F. Murray Elementary School was adjacent to

the parking lot?

That's where my son goes, you bastard.

So I don't get this whole thing.

I mean, what does school have to do with me? And why are they talking about this

when I was just a driver? I'm, like, totally confused here.

Well, you have a mandatory sentence here.

and in this state, if you're busted for drugs within a thousand feet of a

school,

your sentence is mandatory.

Mandatory? I mean, I'm still cool, though, you know. I mean, I'm not going

do, like, in real time, right? Like, you know, six weeks or anything.

Loser.

Will the court please rise?

The court has found you, Jack Winston, guilty of the charges and sentences you

to life in prison.

You Weasley Bieber.

Hey,

who knew?

Don't think about it. I'll go by like that.

He's...

Jail.

The big house.

The house of the heebie -jeebies.

A fortress of fear.

Destiny is not here.

It's a cliche, but life truly does slow down here to almost hurdle speed.

The rest of the world is just like a roller coaster in fast motion.

It doesn't care if it slows down or knows what's going on on the inside

it's got its own speed.

Of course, they left a picture just for me to be comfortable.

Well, you know, I've got to get my six somehow, basically.

I realize you're special.

Oh, what the hell?

I think you're swell.

I love you.

The thought of your hair.

All right, just calm down here, okay? Before you try anything unnatural here,

I got to eat, so just back off, okay? Just back off!

That's okay.

I've already got it.

Jack, come on in. Sit down.

Judy said you had some kind of problem you wanted to talk to me about.

Yeah, I have a huge problem.

What is it? Spit it out. Well, apparently, Warden, some of the inmates

me... Well, they sort of... They want to, you know...

Jack, please.

I can't hear you.

They want to, you know...

They want to use your butt for a pincushion.

Oh, Jack, this is a prison.

I know. Well, that's why we put K .Y. in your orientation kit.

Look, I don't know, Warden. Is there anything you can do for me? What can I

I don't know. I mean, just, I don't know, hold my hand or something?

I mean, not hold my hand, just, you know. Do you want a job?

Job. Job would be great.

Just to keep me away from the rest of them. Well, maybe you could come in here

and clean up around the office?

Great, great, great.

All right.

Look, how about...

Tuesdays and Thursday afternoons. That would be good. Okay. How about also

Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, and maybe the whole weekend?

Jack, I don't think there's that much cleaning up to be done.

Well, if you can make it messier, there could be.

I'll see what I can do, Jack. Thanks a lot, Warren. You're welcome, Jack.

Take care of yourself, Jack.

Say learn to be gay

Nice touch, Jack.

Thanks, dear warden. You play golf?

Yeah, every Friday night I used to hang out. You know, hit line drives out in

the parkway.

You mean the fairway?

Nah, parkway. I'm from Jersey.

Gosh, I haven't played golf in years.

Oh, yeah? What made you quit? I lost my caddy.

Jackie the dog boy used to chase down all my shots. He retired to Florida.

Well, you know, if you're interested, the two of us can get out on the green

play a little golf. What do you say?

You know...

It's against every rule we have in this prison, Jack.

But what the heck?

Let's go.

Okay, Jack, now, stand back a little, please.

Watch this form, okay? Here.

Knees loose, right?

Looks like you're sitting on a bar stool.

Straight left arm.

Keep your eye on the ball, okay? I got it.

Jesus Christ.

My best ball.

Oh, boy. Did you see it go in?

Yeah, it went over in the woods back there, you know. You think you could

it?

Yeah, no problem.

Here, why don't you hold on to your club, and I'll go look for it.

I've got to put that in his report.

What a guy.

Jack!

Hey, Jack! Come back!

Come

back!

Hi, did I tell you?

You want to rock?

I'm not looking at anything. What are you looking at? I'm not looking at

anything. I'm just working here.

What do you do here? What do you do for a living?

Me? I'm a student, okay? I go to school here.

Well, Mr. Student, what do you major in? Checking out women's bus?

No, but I heard the continuing ed department is actually offering a course

the fall on that subject, so, you know.

You're a pig.

That I am.

This time I know you were staring at me.

You're crazy.

I am not crazy. You're out of your mind. You're flying a saucer is what you're

doing. I'm not crazy.

All right, maybe I was staring at you a little bit there, but... You got a

boyfriend?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Girlfriend. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. They never know what I mean.

I take it you're busy this Friday, huh?

Please. Come on.

Come on. Why don't you go out with me, huh? What's wrong with me, huh?

You're not exactly my type. Yeah, well, listen.

I know what your problem is. Because I know you're single. You're single,

you? Maybe. I know you're single. You know what your problem is. Let me tell

what your problem is. Please do. You're the type of girl that always goes out

with Prince Charming, Mr. Kendall, Mr. Perfect. How do you know that? Oh, I got

a sixth sense for these type of things. Well, you know, I'm none of those

things. That's for sure.

Yeah. Well, this is me, okay? I'm the type of guy that's driving that IROC Z

parked at that red light. Just waiting for it to turn green.

Suddenly, at the corner of my eye, I see you walking by.

And I'm leaning on that horn. And I'm saying, oh, mama. And you just keep on

going by. And I'm pouring all my love to you. But you don't even turn your head.

You just keep on walking.

But in the back of your mind, you're thinking, you know, I wonder what it

be like just to hop in that. No, come on. I wonder what it would be like just

get in that car for that brief moment. I don't think so. Yeah, come on, man.

All right. No, I figured, like, you know.

I'm too intense. I'm too much of a man for you to handle. So you're just a

little chicken.

I'm not chicken. Yes, you are.

I am not chicken. Come on, man. You're just a little wuss. Come on. No, I'm

All right. Fine, you know. But come on. Go out with me. Come on. Come on. Come

on. Come on. Just give me a chance. Give me a chance.

I don't know why.

I'm curious.

I don't know why, but sure.

I'll go out with you. Cool.

It'll be an interesting social experiment for me.

So I'm a social experiment.

Cool.

My poor boy, I'm a lonely poor boy.

Give me three eyes just to lift you up.

Yeah.

Ten bucks?

I'd like to have more.

All right, son of a boo, here I come.

And her frequent smile and words of hearty hum... Mrs.

Button and Mary hid their distresses from the prisoner who most stipulated...

Honey?

Tweeting.

Thank you.

Jack?

Hey, hey, don't do that. That's how fact shit starts.

Jack, untie me, man. Come on. Take it easy. You're taking this way too hard.

Jack, don't, man. Come on. Please don't kill me.

Don't kill me. Shut up! I haven't done sex with a blonde yet. Shut up!

Shut down!

All right, all right!

I'm just going to ask you a couple questions, okay?

Don't kill me!

Bruce Epstein.

I don't know Bruce Epstein. I don't know Bruce Epstein. I can't help you out

with that. You don't know who Bruce Epstein is. You got to tell me a fucking

tale. Oh, my God. Oh, for Christ's sake, get over it. There are other girls out

there, man. Jesus, buddy, he's 12 years old. Look, look, look, I'll let you go.

Just tell me who Bruce Epstein is. That's all I know.

Nobody knows who Bruce is, man. Bruce is untouchable. I don't know.

They don't tell me shit. I have no idea who nobody is. Nobody knows who Bruce

is. Nobody I know.

JASMINE

Strike one.

Right.

Who?

Good boy.

You want to see a shape.

Palace. Good boy.

think the play?

Sucked.

Sucked? My sister was in that play.

Oh.

Still sucked.

Really? Yeah, it's all right.

So, what do you want to do now?

We could go back to my place.

Yeah.

What are you yawning about?

Come on.

You know, go over to your place, play a little game, hide the slime, you know,

park the porpoise, do the horizontal hokey pokey, you know what I mean? I

think you have the wrong idea.

What are you talking about?

What's the big deal here?

You do realize you're in a lady's bathroom, don't you?

So?

Listen, listen, there's no reason you and I should go back to your place and

it. Do it. Do it. Look, look, dating is bullshit, okay? When a dog sees a dog,

what does it want to do? It doesn't take its time to go out and have a cup of

pie or tea or anything like that. It gets what it wants and goes for it.

they have sex.

It's wonderful.

The only thing that's preventing you and I from having any real fun here is

morality. Now, let me explain something.

Morality is the worst thing in the world, okay?

Morality is like communism.

It comes down on us and says, you have to act this way, I have to act this way,

and we can't act on our primal feelings. We're just down in this hole, and it

just builds, and it grows and grows and explodes, and there's like a war, and

there's like people dying.

were getting killed left and right. If you and I don't go back to your place,

now I don't want to scare you or anything, but if you and I don't go back

your place and ride that skimboat to tuna town, it could be the end of the

as we know it.

Get a life.

All right, can you think of a better way to waste an afternoon then?

Let's just go back to my place and see what happens, okay?

Cool.

Get ready for the best 45 seconds of your life.

Squirrel like a pig.

Squirrel like a pig.

Excuse me for one brief moment.

Stay. Listen, I've been looking for this guy.

Somebody told me he works here. His name is Mike Nagashimi.

And it doesn't seem like the guy's around.

Do you still work here, or what's the story with him?

Hey, he looks a little familiar.

Shut up!

Uh, you don't know at all?

Maybe I do.

Maybe I don't.

Uh, excuse me, but, uh, I think you broke my nose.

Oh, what does that mean? Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Well, you see, baby,

I've been having so many money problems lately that it's just taxing my mind. Uh

-huh, I understand. Well, how about a ten? Will that, uh, maybe refresh your

memory a little? Um, sorry to bother you again, but, uh...

I think a tissue would really help. Do you have a tissue?

Oh, yeah.

Now I remember things.

He is the bartender here, and he's going to be here tomorrow at noon.

Tomorrow at noon.

Stay? So I gave you $10 just so you can tell me that the guy's going to be

tomorrow. Would you rather I beat you?

No, it's okay. I mean, I don't want to... ruin my smooth butt.

Okay.

I'm starting to get a little dizzy now.

Not that I've been looking at my butt or anything.

It's just that some inmates told me I had a little nice one.

Very nice.

Get out of here. I got work to do.

Oh! Dinner's ready.

Are you going to untie me? Man, these underwears have been up my ass all day!

Man, this shit tastes like pussy.

As a matter of fact, it tastes like bad pussy.

But now think about it.

Is there such a thing as bad pussy? Because bad pussy is better than no

all. I would rather have a stinky, filthy piece of pussy than no pussy at

Pete, do me a favor. Shut the fuck up. Last time you had pussy, you probably

paid for it. And what's the difference? If you pay for it in cash, I'd rather do

that. Because I'd rather pay for cash than with pain.

Which is what you paid for, which is why I'm sitting here eating pussy soup.

So who's the dope?

But I know what you're talking about, you know.

Like women, man.

sit down there and they always want to talk, but they really don't want to

What she wants to do is she wants you to say what she's thinking.

She wants you to say shit that you would never say.

She wants to put words in your mouth, like, no, honey, your ass really doesn't

look fat in those pants. You look great. Come on, let's go.

And she doesn't believe you, does she? No.

I'm not Kreskin, so I don't know what the hell she's talking about.

Well, I wouldn't worry about it.

As a matter of fact, this is my theory on it.

You got to treat them like dogs because women are just like dogs.

What does a woman do when she wants something?

She nags at you. She fucking chews away at the bone there when she wants

something just like a dog. If they got to take a piss or they want a bone, they

scratch at the counter, they scratch at the front door until they get what they

want. You do the shit that you don't want to do for them. Whether it's two o

'clock in the morning, rain, cats and dogs, three below zero.

You go out and do shit that you don't want to do.

So this is what you should have done. And this is my theory how it goes.

Smack the bitch like she was a dog. Get her to be submissive. Say, shut up,

bitch. No, we're not going out. No, we're not doing that. You wouldn't be

in this position. I wouldn't be here eating this bullshit.

Right, well, I guess it just comes down to this, you know.

There's the user and the used.

It's like when my friend told me.

He said, in life, you got to decide if you're going to be a pimp or you're

to be a whore.

And you got to decide which one you want to be, man. And what are you?

I'm a pimp and you're my bitch, so.

Oh, best piece of bread there, daddy.

I was planning on going back to the Shank Palace, but this time I wasn't

to come alone.

I knew I needed a little protection, so I dug up an old friend that could help

me out a lot.

Besides, some of those strippers look pretty damn mean.

Joey, you're doing good. Joey, you're doing good. What's that one?

Five. Yes!

Five.

Okay, okay.

How about that one, Joey? What's that?

Seven. Yes, it is.

What about that?

There's no cookies there, Joey!

There's no cookies here!

Hey, Billy, Billy, Billy. What?

What are we doing here again?

We're waiting for the guy, Joey.

The guy.

The guy.

The guy, you know the guy.

The guy who stole from us. He stole from us, Joe. He stole. He stole. What did

he steal?

He stole the stuff.

The stuff? The stuff.

Oh, the drugs!

The drugs!

I have no drugs at home. They're very nice. The patterns are pretty.

I'm thinking of this guy down at the jail place.

What the hell are you talking about? I'm going to shoot him in the head. You

can't shoot him in the head. Of course I can shoot him in the head. I'm a good

shot. Come on, boy.

He's a very good shot.

Hey, Joe. What are you doing?

What did I tell you guys?

It's a bad thing. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it. I saw it.

I saw it. I saw it. I saw it.

I saw it.

Don't you think you overreacted just a little bit?

We're the ones that move.

Bag.

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait one second. I gotta reload, okay?

What's happening

here?

Held? No.

Do you want to talk?

No.

What do you want then?

Can you lock the door on your way out?

That's it?

That's it. That's it? That's all you need? Yeah.

Yes!

Yeah, you know, maybe we'll see a movie sometime.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, sure. See you later.

Bye.

Yeah?

You fucking my sister!

You fucking my sister!

You fucking Natasha!

Yes, yes, yes. Oh, I'm her brother.

Pete, nice to meet you. I'm only fucking around, pal.

Hey, how's it going? I like to meet her friends. I'm only fucking around, chief.

Hey, hey, where you going? Let's go grab a beer, you and me. Hey, hey, chief,

come on. I'm only fucking around.

Listen, this is Jack Winston.

Listen, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill those two guys, but they just pulled

their guns out.

And I'm sitting there with my gun, and I shot him, and I'm sorry.

Uh -huh.

Listen, I'm not a criminal. I'm not a bad guy or anything. I'm just out here.

I'm trying to clear my name, okay? That's why I broke out of prison to

with.

Uh -huh. You guys, you gotta help me. Every time I get close, you keep on

closing the door. Come on, you gotta help me out. Please, please.

And who is this?

Jack... Jack Winston.

Jack Winston.

He'll call me back after I'm done with my lunch, all right?

This hole.

What's all the noise? Who's on the phone?

Some Jack Winston guy. Jack Winston was on the phone? Did you at least find out

where he is?

No, I'm fine.

Did you at least trace his phone? There's not even any tape in the damn

Did you get any information at all?

No. Do you have any idea how long we've been looking for Jack Winston, you

idiot?

Hey, Sarge, are you going to eat that donut?

My life sucks.

life a crime. I didn't tell you to shoot the guy. People on the rail are calling

me a killer and everybody's after me. I'm a dead man here. My heart is

for you. Give me a break so I pop another cherry. Don't jump me, you

Grow up and join the real world. We're popping real drugs and everything here.

You're really a fucked up guy. Oh, don't give me that. I'm a fucked up guy. You

know who's a fucked up guy?

You couldn't keep them on to my sister because she wasn't hairy enough. So let

me go, you sick bastard.

And get the hell out of here while you can. That's my advice to you. Just run.

Just run and get the hell out of here. Let me go first. I'll tie me first,

Jack, just tie me first. That's all. And then run like hell, you stupid jerk.

Peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep, peep. What, what, what, what? Leave me

alone, please.

Can't you just let me go?

I'm going to shit myself. Can't you just let me get up and go to the bathroom at

least? Have a heart. Hey, just listen to me. Listen.

What? Your sister, okay? Do you know where the woman lives right now? Do you

have any idea, any clue, any indication? Why? What's the matter? You don't love

me anymore? You don't like hairy bitches anymore? No, I still love you. Come on.

You're beautiful.

Think about it.

Just tell me where your sister is, man. Where is she always?

Where is she always? Still at the apartment.

Give me a break. What do you think?

Can't you figure things out for yourself?

Oh, come on. I gotta go bad now.

What do you got? More fruit?

Oh, just what I need.

Hello? Hello, it's Jack Winston.

Hold on one second.

It's him!

It's him!

Quick, go over and set the tape machine.

Put the play switch on. The play switch.

Over there to the left. Yeah, yeah, yeah, right over there. Okay.

Hello?

Yeah, hi, it's me. Listen, I'm going to turn myself in. I live at 130 Spink

Terrace in the...

Montville, New Jersey, apartment 3B.

I'll be waiting for you guys to pick me up any time now.

All right.

Bye.

That's it?

You didn't even keep my loan up to get a trace on the call.

Can't you do anything right? Thor's where he was. Yeah, you know that's

where he is. Let's go. Come on. Let's go.

Come on.

Hey, Thor, can we stop the bakery on the way out?

Isn't that sweet?

What's sweet?

That.

What? The guy with the flowers? Yeah, it's sweet.

That's not sweet. The guy's a fuck -up. He's a sweetheart. He's a fuck -up. He's

a sweetheart. He's a fuck -up.

Sweetheart. This is why this guy's a fuck -up. Because all women, when they

a guy with flowers, they think it's the most beautiful, most wonderful, most

romantic thing in the world. But we know this guy is a fuck -up. This guy said

the wrong thing, did the wrong thing, put his...

dick in the wrong place, and now he's got to pay for it. That's why they got

these flower shops open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, because there's guys like

this who are always fucking up.

You're such a pessimist. I'm not a pessimist. I'm a realist.

What's the difference?

There's a big difference, okay?

A pessimist, he's like afraid of everything, and a realist like myself is

of nothing.

You're not scared of anything? No. Nothing? No. Nothing scares you? No.

Nothing. Alright.

I guess love scares me up a little bit. Love? Why?

Well, I mean, it's not like I feel that, you know, a woman will never love me

because, you know, I feel that maybe I will never be in love.

You don't love me?

I'm not going to answer that. You don't love me? I'm not going to answer that.

I'm staying far away from that. And what are the two of us doing here?

All right.

I love the idea of loving.

What the hell does that mean?

I can't tell you what that means. You're going to have to figure that out for

yourself.

Okay.

I'm the chef. I'm the chef. I cook Chinese food. I call it my own.

We didn't order this.

Well, I don't know. I just got a phone call. Listen, you got a bathroom or, you

know, something that I gotta, you know, squeeze the egg roll. You know what I'm

saying?

Okay, I don't know what that means.

I'm the chef, man. I rake leaves.

I fix things.

And I... I'm the chef. I'm the chef, man. No, fuck me. That was the guy.

It was the guy that was going to replace me as the chef.

No, man. It was the man. It was Winston.

Who's Winston, dude?

Jack fucking Winston.

All right, this is the place. I'm going to go on the front entrance to see if I

can find him. If he pulls some shit and comes out the back, I want you watching.

Yeah, all right.

Watch the back. The back is over here. Watch the back. Go. Go.

What the hell are you doing? I tell you, real simple to watch the backside.

You're out here eating donuts.

Shit.

Look, there's something fishy going on in there. I'm going to go around the

backside myself. Go around the backside.

Check it out. You're such a bum.

Jeez.

Donuts.

Well, well, well, well.

If it isn't my ex -girlfriend, Natasha.

Don't bother covering up your love humps. I've already seen them, honey.

Jack, sit down. We need to have a serious talk. A talk? Well, I'm a little

right now, Natasha.

Well, you know your boyfriend, Bruce?

I'm trying to kill him. You haven't seen him around by any chance, have you?

Jack, sit down. I'm not sitting down. Sit down. I want to talk to you.

I'm not sitting down, Natasha.

Sit down.

Fine.

Okay, let me just say... No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let me just

say, okay, first of all, when I was in jail, okay, you didn't see me, call me,

or even write me, okay? Second of all, all right, I'm sorry, you know, I am in

love with you, and I never told you that, but third of all, I'm a guy, which

guys never tell the chicks that they love them, which excuses the second

Thank you very much. First of all, you talk too much.

Way too much.

Second of all, I never loved you, and I will never love you.

And third of all, you suck in bed.

You're right. I'm glad we had this little conversation.

Now, you wouldn't normally think that the brain could pass through a door

without being totally splattered.

As you can see, we have two distinct bodies here. We have Jack Winston over

here, and we have your friend Sergeant O 'Reilly over here.

Now, if you look at this note, it's very interesting. The suicide note very

distinctly has Jack Winston's signature on it. And if you look at his credit

card, you'll notice it has the same exact signature.

Señor, would you be interested in buying these Huipichuati Alamo t -shirts? A

dollar fifty off every t -shirt.

No quiero.

Pero la luna es rojo y mi corazón es blanco.

Oh, I understand, señor.