Original subtitles

Hello.

Thank you.

It's our new opening. Is it dynamite or what, huh?

It's dynamite.

So, you read the script?

Yes, but there's some things I'd like to... Yeah, I know it's a piece of shit,

but writers today, what are you going to do? But we'll make it better.

What am I saying? You'll make it better. You're the genius. That heart

-wrenching documentary you made, what was it called? Silent Slumber of the

Sleeping Silver... Silver Shame of the Winter Woman.

That's the one.

It was brilliant. It was so brilliant I had to wear sunglasses to watch it.

And that's why we want you to direct our show. You know, make it special.

That sensitive women's kind of shit.

Yeah, but not too sensitive, you know, because our audience likes tits and ass.

But sensitive tits and ass.

Well,

it should be an exciting week.

Week? You got three days, but I know you can handle it. And I got one other

problem. You know our star Biff Tuscaloosa? You know?

He's huge in Europe. It's like walking down the streets of Rome with the Pope.

I'm telling you, I kid you not.

Anyway, Biff has locked himself in his dressing room. He built a recording

studio, and we can't get him out to finish the shoot, so I thought you'd go

and have a little talk with him, because I know you can handle it. You know why?

Because you're, um, you're just so... Sensitive?

Exactamundo!

Something's happening here! There's a kinetic thing!

Come on, let me show you around campus.

So a lot of your films involve small animals, huh? Yeah, mostly birds, field

mice, snakes.

Yeah, yeah. That's interesting, huh?

Yeah. Over there is the wardrobe tent.

That's makeup and hair.

And right here is the director's tent, which is now yours.

Step inside.

Well, you see, the last director left in kind of a hurry.

You were kind of mental.

But if this doesn't suit you, you just change whatever you want. You know, you

can put up some pink doilies and stuff like that, any of that chick stuff. If

you don't make it, you're a place. I want you to be comfortable.

Come on.

So, where do we shoot the interiors?

We got a public bathroom. It stinks, but it's got a great look.

And will you look at this beach, huh?

You couldn't build a set like this for a million dollars.

And the ocean's sitting right there.

Did I mention the water?

No. That's just a little minor pollution problem.

Is it dangerous?

No, it's just a little raw sewage, a little chemical waste, stuff like that.

just don't let the actors stay in the water too long. They get sick.

But the script has major water rescue scenes in it. We'll just shoot around

you know? Maybe we can do some more shower scenes.

You can't shoot a fight sequence in a shower.

What, you never saw Psycho?

Well, let's go over to the casting director.

Wait, wait.

What was that?

It's our last director.

Sad, isn't it?

What are you going to do?

Come on.

And this is where we cast the show. Come on in and I'll introduce you to the

director, all right? Come on.

I want you to do it. Now, bend over, put your butt up.

Shake that with personality.

I want personality. Back there.

Personality, but bend with the... More from you. Much more.

But with personality, may I get a little bit of... Give it to me, give it to me,

give it to me. With personality, may I get a little bit of personality. From

what? This is Kathy Price.

Her fits are kind of small, but she does have a nice ass.

Maybe she could be one of the Girl Scouts, huh?

Hey, do me a favor. Drop your pants. Let me see your legs. Drop your pants?

Fred, Fred, this is our new director. We're very fortunate to have Kathy on

board. Please, treat her with respect.

Female director.

Injury.

Very interesting. Hey, look, I can tell you two are going to be good pals.

You know that, huh?

I can feel the love here.

That's what I know. You know why I know?

Because you got to feel the love.

Milk to lose.

And love to win, you win. Break it down. See ya. Wouldn't want to beat ya.

David.

I'll talk to you later.

Make me proud, kid. Make me proud.

So,

what part are these girls reading for?

Stroke victim, age 32.

The stroke victim is supposed to be a nun. What, you think nuns don't swim?

The nun is supposed to be 65. All these girls are in their 20s. Thank God.

You ever see a room full of half -naked old broads? Yeah.

Besides, they're actresses. They can act 65.

Okay, look. Thank you, ladies. We'll let you know.

Don't call us.

We'll call you. Bye.

Bye, ladies. Thank you.

Okay, next, we've got the accountants with the broken arm, page 41.

Come on in, guys.

Balance your budget.

Oh, my God, she's turning blue.

Do something quick.

Save my baby.

Uh -oh, Muffy, charge up the paddles. They're charged up, Biff.

Hurry, hurry, she's the light of my life.

Please don't let my baby die.

That is real nice, sweetheart.

Thank you.

I worked on it all night long.

I know.

I think she definitely has the right feel. What do you think?

I'd like to see a few more people.

Trust me, trust me.

She'll be great.

I'll work with her.

Well, we take lunch at 12 .30.

Why don't we stop now?

How about a burger?

I'm a vegetarian.

So, we'll eat fruit.

It's only 10 o 'clock.

Excuse me.

Are you Kathy Price?

Yes. Great. I'm Jeff Harlan. I'm your assistant director.

I'm supposed to take you over to meet Beth.

Great.

Yes! I got it! I got it!

I did it!

Terrific, babe. You look great.

Oh, my God. Don't worry about her. That's Summer Anderson. She has a little

coordination problem.

Jeff, wait up.

Jeff.

Jeff, sweetie, you've got to help me. I just heard that we've got a new

director, and this could be the big break that I've been waiting for.

Muffy, this is Kathy.

She's a... No problem.

Ever since Summer came on the show, my part's been shrinking like a dick in ice

water. But this new director... He could really turn things around for me if

he's handled just right.

But I need your help. Oh, Muffy. Don't get me wrong. I'll struggle myself.

I just need you to help me handle him on the set later.

Okay.

I'll give you a hundred bucks.

Muffy. All right, all right, all right, all right.

Two hundred.

Maybe a little something extra on the side.

Oh, Muffy.

This is Kathy Price.

She's our new director.

Hi.

Your new director?

Yes. But you're a woman. Yes.

You wouldn't happen to be gay by any chance?

No.

Shit. Well,

gotta go.

or is everybody on this set crazy?

Well, to be fair, you haven't met everybody yet.

You are my love.

Now your turn.

Okay, let's go.

You are my love.

Yeah?

No, that's not exactly what we were looking for. Now is it? You're...

You're clenching your jaw. It needs to drop. You're tightening your throat. It

needs to be open.

Open the throat.

Okay, now.

Keep that in mind and... No,

no, that's not working.

Uh -oh, light bulb. I've got an idea. Why don't you just turn it a little

-wazzy around this way?

Okay, now what we're going to do is you're going to bend your little self

And on over, there you go. This will release the oxygen from your lungs into

your diaphragm, and it will enable you to sing just as though we need you to

Sing! You are my love!

Oh, yes. You fit me like a glove. Oh, yes, this is exactly.

Yes, I feel free. It's working. It's working for me.

I'm loving this.

Oh, yes. Ride me, son.

Oh, baby, this is wonderful.

Jeff, listen to my new song, man.

and introduce you to our new director.

Mr. Tuscaloosa.

Kathy Price.

Whoa, what a trip.

Somebody finally did something right around here.

You know me?

Know you.

I was the one who recommended you for the show.

Oh, God, I'm a big fan of yours.

You guys can beat it.

Ms. Price and I would like to be alone.

I don't want to interrupt your practice.

No problem. Why don't you sit down over here on the bed?

So, where did you see my work?

I was at the festival when you won your award.

Would you like some of my cheese?

I have an excellent collection.

There's blue, cheddar, lemon burger, fish flavored...

And my favorite, Brazilian monkey cheese.

No, thanks. I don't eat dairy product.

You're a loss.

You were in Deauville?

Yes. I told my PR guy I wanted to do something classy.

So he arranged for me to be a judge.

It was a blast.

Except everybody kept going around talking in French all the time.

Well, it was in France.

Well, there you go.

You judged my film.

I gave it a ten.

Twice, when the other guys weren't looking.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm being rude. Would you like some?

No, thanks.

So, when are you doing the show?

Tomorrow. Damn.

Really wanted to work with you.

Unfortunately, right now I'm in the middle of doing my next album.

Perhaps you could reschedule.

It's the last show of the season.

Oh, right.

Well, at least I tried.

Gee.

You know, it's a shame you're all tied up because I really wanted to use your

music and the love montages and the scene with the stroke victim's

Hey, we could use it.

Whenever somebody turns on the radio. That's a great idea.

Or like, say, when somebody's driving or when they're in the shower. Or when

you're charging down the beach to the rescue.

Bitch, yeah.

But what's the point of talking about this? You're too busy.

I'm just going to have to think of something else.

Damn it.

Times like this, I wish I weren't so talented.

Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I know what I'll do.

I'll reschedule my schedule.

So I can do the show and my album at the same time.

I don't want you to strain yourself. Kathy, Kathy.

It's what art is all about.

You are my love.

Kathy, baby.

You are my love.

See, it's real simple. The ball is attached to the paddle with this rubber

string. You hit the ball, and it bounces back.

You mean the paddle bounces back?

No, sweetie, no, no, no. The ball, the ball bounces back.

See?

Oh, I get it. Here, you try.

Hey, Ma. Hey, there.

Keep practicing, honey. Keep practicing.

Hey, Summer.

Want to take a ride on my new sand buddy?

I've never driven a sand buddy before.

Is it hard? Oh, it's a piece of cake for someone like you.

See, this thingy makes it go fast, and this thing, this makes it go fast.

Well, which thingy makes it stop?

I don't know, but you'll figure it out. Gotta go. Bye.

I can't believe that. That's what we call here in America a ten and a stack

nines.

Nah. Nah.

Oh, look at this, huh? Any special skills on this? Special skills.

Bareback.

Oh, good, you're here. Please, come in, come in, come in, come in.

Kathy Price, this is Antonio Sedamente.

Mr. Sedamente's company is one of our biggest sponsors in Europe.

Ciao.

Cousy.

Kathy Price is a big asset to Bikini Squad, Mr. Sedimenti. Oh, really?

Yes. And Mr.

Sedimenti wanted to get his niece some work on her show, and I told him that

are the one who can do it. Well, we can always use another extra.

Extra? Extra? Read all about it.

A starring role.

Well, does she have any acting ability?

No.

Well, then she'll fit right in.

It shouldn't be too difficult to change the guest star to an Italian.

She's Swedish.

It's a long story.

It's a long story. Well,

I'm so glad we had this time together, huh?

Perhaps your driver can drop me off at the hotel now? My driver? I'll drive you

myself, Mr. Sedimenti. Oh, it's very good.

We've had a little problem with the cameras. I thought you'd want to know

away. What's the problem?

Well, somebody came and took them off the truck.

What? What did the police say?

We didn't report it. They weren't stolen.

They were repossessed.

Repossessed? Yeah, David's been hassling about the bill with the cameras to fly

out for months.

They just came and took the cameras back.

We can't shoot a show without cameras. You must know that.

What does he expect us to do?

Probably steal them.

Listen, I'll think of something. I don't know what yet, so we better plan loose.

Loose? Right.

No, no, no, not now. Not now. But you promised.

You promised if I slept with you twice, I could read for a bigger part.

And this is the second time.

Okay, fine, fine. Do it now.

Oh,

no.

No, not my mother.

Please don't tell me my mother tried to kill herself.

I can't do your show. You've got to get somebody else.

What are you talking about? There is nobody else. You're it. I changed my

I quit. You can't quit. You've got a contract. You break a contract, you're

never working this town again. I don't care.

I'll wash cars. I'll scrub toilets.

I'll sell crack in playgrounds. Anything but direct this show. Well, calm down.

If there's a problem here, we'll work it out, all right? We're all professionals

here. Professionals?

The star of the show is a complete idiot. The casting director's a pimp.

got three days to shoot an entire show, no budget, and as of an hour ago, no

camera. So we got a few problems, huh? We're not perfect, all right?

But you better put things in perspective, young lady. Your last film

squirrel named Fluffy.

Fluffy had some integrity.

That's not fair.

Now, come on. All you've got is rookie shakes. That's all.

I'm not nervous.

I'm revolted. I can't work like this. Yes, you can.

No, I can't. Yes, you can. No, I can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Can't. Babe, don't

you understand? Show business is my mistress.

When she's pretty, I want to pound her. When she's ugly, I don't want to touch

her. But every once in a while, you've got to close your eyes and mount that

slimy bitch and just ride.

That's beautiful.

That's lovely.

What are you, a poet?

Look, all I'm saying is you and me, we are family, huh?

Okay? Come on, we're a team here, you and me, huh?

All right? People who need people, come on.

We'll work it out. I'm always there for you.

All right?

All right. Gotta go.

At least we have a cast.

Sort of.

And if that front of yours comes through with the cameras... I just had a

horrible thought.

What?

I hope we have film.

We've got tons of it. Relax.

It all gets easier from here on out.

Really?

No, I was just lying to make you feel better.

How can you seem so normal in work here?

I went crazy a long time ago. I mean, how else do you think I could put up

all this crap?

Look, it's getting late.

What do you say we, uh...

Take a break and go grab some dinner. Oh, I have got so much to do.

Come on. I know a terrific place right near here.

Fantastic music and all the food you can carry.

Would you do me a favor?

Yeah, sure. What?

Would you take your hair down for me?

Really? Yeah. I love long hair on men.

Okay.

I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Would you, uh, do me a favor?

Maybe. Let me play with your foot? What?

I give a great massage, really.

Okay.

Oh.

Wow.

Hey!

What's wrong? Don't you like music?

No, I love music. It's just that all of a sudden it feels really weird.

I feel like I'm in a movie or something.

I'll turn it off. No, don't.

I love movies.

No, I never get involved with people I work with.

Neither do I.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

My people.

David, what are you doing here? Mr. Sedamente found his niece.

I am Yuli Kipperbangen.

It's a pleasure to meet you. This is my assistant director, Jeff Harlan.

Hi. Hi.

Hi. I was just saying, the show needed a Swedish element. Ladies and gentlemen,

an element from Sweden.

Do you have much acting experience?

Yes, I don't. My boyfriend has taken much pictures of me.

She doesn't need any experience. She's a natural. Trust me. David, we need the

bathtub scene in here.

Done deal.

My company makes bathroom stuff. Shower caps, sponges, soap on the rope.

My ad campaign is centered around Julie here.

Yeah, I am the loofah girl.

No, Biff. You mustn't touch Mr. Fury.

It's too late.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

No, Mr.

Fury is dead.

Dead. And I killed him.

I killed my pal.

Somebody call for a dump truck?

I did. We have a dead cat.

I see. How did it happen?

It was an accident.

I sat on him. I can't do this.

These words, they're too difficult to remember.

I need shorter lines.

You want shorter lines, you'll get shorter lines. We just changed it,

all. We'll get shorter writers with half -filled ink pens, okay? Whatever you

want changed, we changed.

My English is not good.

Baby, that's where we got directors. And Kathy Price is one of the best

directors there is. She'll work with you. She'll mold you. She'll make you a

star, right?

Oh, my God.

Her tongue's been bitten off by amore eels.

Wait here.

I'll be right back.

And cut.

Works for me.

Okay, let's print that one.

Print. Hey, by the way, where did you get those cameras? They're great.

Oh, man.

You can shut your mouth now.

Kathy, I always thought that one.

But do you think I should have makeup put some of that tear stuff in my eyes

I can be crying when I say my lines? You know what? That's a great idea, Biff.

But listen, I wanted to save your tears for the big musical number at the end.

I forgot.

Um, I didn't know there was a big musical number at the end of the movie.

There's not.

Will you marry me? I want you to have my children.

We'll talk about that later.

Okay, everybody, next set up. Come on, people.

Oh, thanks.

Okay.

Me too.

Okay.

There you go.

Thank you.

Muffy.

Isn't that incredible?

Too bad they couldn't do something with that schnoz of yours.

No, you really ought to have that fixed.

I did have it fixed.

No kidding.

Don't feel bad.

Doctors make mistakes just like anybody else.

Well, good things must come in threes because David has told me I got more

family than you did.

It's dead people.

Dead people come in threes. They do?

room at the top.

That's what's so great about this business.

Well.

Bitch.

You gotta work harder.

No more lunch breaks.

Work dinner too.

I don't care if it kills you. Just do it.

Whatever it takes.

I want 2 ,000 letters sent to me by this week and 3 ,000 by next week.

I got some new pages for you.

They cut my part?

They cut my part?

They can't do this to me.

It's that new bitch director, isn't it?

She hates me.

No, David told her to do it.

David? Yeah.

He can't do this to me.

Take it up with him, okay?

I will, that creep.

All like scum -sucking toads. Muffy, sweetheart.

Gross! Give me any of that sweetheart crap. You cut my part.

Now, Muffy, it's not what you think. I can explain.

We had a deal.

Honey, no, no.

Honey,

my back. My back. You worm.

I gave you the best years of my life. The glory of my womanhood. And you

my arm.

I could strangle you. Honey, you don't understand. It's not what you think. I

did it for you.

Oh, that's bullshit.

That's what you told me ever since you hired that little bitch Summer.

Honey, I'm sabotaging the show.

What?

I'm sabotaging the show.

It can't go on any longer.

I have to stop the show now.

What?

I'm losing $200 ,000 per episode. The syndicators won't let me out of my

contract. The only way out is if I default and I don't deliver the amount

shows they want me to bring in. This show has to end now.

But that's crazy.

Oh, really? Why do you think I got the chick director, huh? This show's got to

go down in flames, but it's got to look legit because it's worth millions.

Millions?

Millions. And once I'm out from underneath this bikini squad...

I can produce the show I always promised you.

My own show?

Yes, your own show.

You poor, poor baby.

All the stress that you must have been under. Why didn't you tell me?

I wanted to, Poopsie, I really did. But I was worried that something might

happen to you if something were wrong.

Oh, of course you did, baby.

But everything's going to be okay now.

And I'm going to make everything okay. But first, we have to relieve a little

bit of my snookium stench.

Yeah.

Let's play spy.

Yeah.

It's been so long.

I don't know.

I'm in Russia.

Comment Russia, this is Agent XQ calling.

the jet ski team. They were supposed to be here an hour ago.

I can't shoot around them all day.

Didn't David tell you we had to cut the jet ski team? What?

Well, we couldn't fit him in the budget.

He can't do that. I've got to have the jet ski team.

Didn't he read the script?

If he did, it would be a first.

David only reads the trades and the obituaries. He likes to know who's dead.

Where is he?

Probably in his office.

Okay, listen, can you get the extras together for the Frisbee sequence?

I'm going to go find David. All right.

musical instruments, like a guitar or a tambourine?

The radio?

That count?

Sure.

I have a radio in my room.

Why don't you come by later and I'll audition you for my new act?

Who knows?

I might even be able to use you in my next album.

Cool. You ever study any singing?

No. I could teach you.

I don't know.

My mom's a ventron dad.

No way.

So was I until I started studying.

Now listen.

You are my

love. I thank the lucky stars above.

You are my love.

Don't even.

Hey. Did Michelangelo have to poke for a bigger ceiling?

No! And what do we got now?

A masterpiece!

You understand?

A masterpiece!

Less is more, honey!

I was hoping there might be some other explanation, but... But what?

It's pretty bad. Can you take it?

The jet ski is one of five that mysteriously disappeared in the Bermuda

six years ago.

From microscopic marks on the seat and handlebars, it's clear that whoever was

driving it was invisible.

Oh, no!

How could that happen? We can't be sure, but they were probably aliens.

Well, they do that sort of thing from time to time. We try to keep it quiet to

avoid panicking the beachgoers.

You mean there's invisible jet skiers around here someplace?

Well, unfortunately, no.

The tracks lead to the sea.

My theory is the stress of being invisible was too much for the little

and the poor bastards to drown themselves.

There's just one other thing.

I found this on the jet ski.

It's Brad's race! Yes.

This was your brother's gesture.

We knew he disappeared, but not like this.

Why this?

Why? I don't know.

Sometimes bad things happen to good people.

It's like the Swedish girl that got her tongue bit out by the moray eel.

It's just fate.

And sometimes fate is hard to swallow.

But we do it anyway.

We have to swallow to live.

The Swedish girl taught me that.

It doesn't make the pain any easier.

I know it doesn't.

Maybe if you spent some time with the Swedish girl, you'd feel better.

I know I did.

Cut! That was beautiful. That was perfect, you guys.

Oil?

I thought you were sabotaging the show.

Soon. When?

Soon. When? Soon. When? Soon.

Why don't we celebrate the finish of your first day?

Oh, I better not.

Come on. You made it through the first day.

There's only two more to go.

You're right.

But don't make fun of me if I start to drool and slur my words.

Good deal.

So Liv has a vibrating bed, huh? Or so he says.

Maybe I should shoot the earthquake scene on his bed.

You know, I'm surprised you haven't quit the show yet.

Well, I like a challenge, and this is definitely a challenge.

Sure is beautiful out here, huh?

Want to make out?

You bet.

You won't get to...

to side.

Oil rigs pumping.

Oil rigs pumping.

Side to side. Open up those windpipes. Side to side. Side to side. Clench the

buttocks. Inside you hold that silver dollar. Don't. You drop it. Bend at the

waist. Very good.

Yes. We're getting very, very close.

That's the way we like to do it. Here we come. Please get ready. Here we go.

It's coming. I feel it. It's close. It's near. And now I want you to say.

Tell my brother. In so many ways, you're so alike.

He didn't talk much either.

Stick it in your palm!

I hate this!

This bandage is itch!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's the problem?

I am the loofah girl!

My face must show or nobody will know this!

Honey, you had a very serious external injury.

your own show.

You are the bullshit man.

I know this.

I'll go back to Sweden.

Hey, you can't go back to Sweden.

Hey, hey, you go back to Sweden and you'll never do lunch in this town

Damn.

This is not good.

This is not good. She'd go to her boyfriend and he pulls the sponsorship

show. David, she just needs to cool down. I'll just shoot around her.

I don't give a damn about her, that little cheesehead.

You know what I care about? There's a God up there and he hates me.

Damn.

You haven't said a word since karate practice.

What's wrong?

It's my daddy.

He wants me to give up being a lifeguard.

That's crazy.

You're one of the best damn lifeguards on the beach.

Daddy says it's not enough.

He wants me to do something more worthwhile with my life.

You save lives.

What on earth could be more worthwhile than that?

Well, daddy doesn't think that way. He's a lawyer.

I see.

Would you like for me to speak to him for you?

No. He thinks you're a bum, a low -life climber with a bad haircut, a thot -off

rat with sea water for brains, a candy ant. I think I get the idea.

What am I going to do?

Well, you could move out of your mansion and come live with me.

I know it won't be what you're used to, but we'd be together, and you'd still be

a lifeguard.

What do you say?

taking a bit with?

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Cut.

Hold everything.

That last line was not in the script.

All right, everybody clear out.

Hello. Come on, Bill. Let's go for a little walk.

You see, we're making a few changes on the show, you know?

This man -woman thing is getting very, very boring. Everybody does it. We want

to spice it up, you know, with a little bit of that... Prime time, you know,

network edge.

That's a good idea.

Yeah, we're making your character gay.

No way.

I've got an image.

Fans won't go for that.

You're an actor.

You're a great actor.

What would Stanislavski say?

He'd say, the magic what if.

What if Biff was gay?

Huh? He'd say, hide and explore.

He'd say, seize the day. He'd say... Find your moment. He'd say, play it to

top of your intelligence.

I don't know.

I forgot to mention your co -star for the premiere, Mr. David Hasselhoff.

No way!

Way?

Would I get a new wardrobe?

The best, Bob Mackie.

What happens to me and Sam? You get back together next season, after we find out

you had a sex change operation.

It's a beautiful thing. I was crying reading it.

Yeah, but... This week's love montage. I already rehearsed it thinking of

regular sex.

Don't worry about that. We keep the love montage. It's the highlight of the

show. You just play it a little, um, little, you know, um... Ambivalent.

Ambivalent! Yes!

Message. It's a message. Huh?

Make me proud.

Hey, you. Come here. You. Hey.

Listen, we've got a real problem. The sound recorder's busted. What? I don't

know what happened. Neither does the sound guy. It was working fine before

break, and now it's trashed.

Well, he must have a spare. Yeah, on the sound truck, and it's in the shop.

Look, I'll rent one. Relax.

We can't rent one. Nobody will rent to us.

Well, we can't shoot a show with no sound.

All right, we're just going to have to shut it down so we can work this thing

out. We don't have any time to shut down.

You're right.

Damn it.

Well, you did the best you could.

It's only fair that I go.

Tell the crew what happened.

Wait a minute, I've got an idea.

What?

Yeah, I think the aliens are trying to contact me. My phone seems to be ringing

when I'm not home.

Then how do you know it's ringing?

That's the crazy part.

I just know.

My God, you're right.

It must be the aliens.

What else on earth could it be?

How was that for sound?

What else on Earth could it be?

It works. We got it. All right.

Yes, we got it. We got it.

Well, I'm kind of in a hurry. I've got like 10 minutes for lunch, then I'm

to be back on the set.

Dang! I needed help putting on my body oil.

Rudy normally does it, but he had to go get more rigs for the extras.

Um, I'm not in that much of a hurry.

I really appreciate it. I'll make it extra somehow.

Rudy just sprays his stuff on. Oh, no, no, no, no. It doesn't look as good on

camera. You have to rub it in with the grain.

It's very technical. It took me years to learn it.

You're so smart, Biff. That's what I love about you. Well, thank you, Summer.

Don't get me wrong. I love your body.

But it's your mind I go for.

Say something smart.

Huh? Say something smart.

Um, you know the stuff that gets in your belly button?

Well, that's called conure. And if you saved it all up for a year, you'd have

enough to knit a pair of socks.

Stop it. That just turns me on.

Mark! Mark! Mark!

Dogs only see in black and white.

That's why they never watch color TV.

Mark! Mark! Mark!

Horses only see in black and white. No, no.

You can tell how old a horse is by looking into his mouth and counting his

teeth. Unless you've had them fixed. And then you have to look into his nose and

count the hairs.

I love your chest hairs.

I love yours too.

Head poisoning.

You're sure?

I'm afraid so.

Worst case I've seen in years.

It happens to the Swedes worse than anyone.

But how could this have happened?

She was fine a few hours ago.

A sudden trauma?

A blow to the stallion ganglia?

Hard to say.

Damn. Is there anything you, I, me, us, anything anyone can do? An operation

might relieve the pressure.

Or it could kill her.

Then again, I just might make a crab bologna sandwich and walk funny.

It's a big risk, but it's your decision.

My decision?

Me? I?

Why me?

You're the end -life God.

Who could possibly be more qualified?

Oh, right.

You don't have to make a decision now, Biff. For now, just change the bondage

every hour and keep the flies off the girls. I'll be at the hospital if you

me.

Thank you, Doctor.

Good luck, little lady.

Inga?

I love you.

I didn't know it until now.

I love... I love you.

Inga?

Inga!

Yeah.

I can't shoot a show without a wardrobe tent.

Oh, so much memories in here.

out of the jeep and head for the water we'll figure out why later but for now

just go for it okay summer when muffie runs into the water you're gonna be

standing on the tower next to biff looking through your binoculars biff's

run down the ramp into the water and you yell your line what's her line biff

don't she's too fat send for the boat right you yell your line you grab your

life buoy and you chase after him got it

Well, no bones are broken.

Damn.

Damn lucky.

Yeah.

You probably just bruised your leg really bad. I better take your pants off

make sure. Not now.

I got to get this shot before I lose the flight.

Don't be ridiculous. You need to be examined. I'm calling a doctor. I'm

I insist. You could have internal injuries. You could have a concussion.

spine might have fallen out. You know, David's right. He should be checked out.

Look, I promise you can give me a complete physical later. I'm really

Get it.

Let's just move on to first positions.

Okay, first positions, people. Come on.

You call that driving, huh?

Two more feet and our troubles are over. I couldn't be that obvious. You know, I

could end up in jail.

Oh, you know, you can be so selfish sometimes. It's really disgusting. You

that? Please.

Please. You're the most selfish. Oh, stop.

Stop. Stop.

Stop. Oh, go.

You're the hottest, Summer.

You're the coolest, Biff.

Um, you know, if we had babies, they'd be really cute.

And blonde, too.

I love babies. They have such small ears.

Yeah. And they've got those little heads with the little soft spots.

You've got to be careful not to touch them too hard. You might hurt their

brains. Will you marry me, Biff?

Sure.

We have to talk.

Muffy, can it wait? I'm just about to shoot the love montage and I can't lose

the sunset.

It's about the love montage.

Would you show this to the crew and I'll be with you in a second? You bet.

What's the problem?

Well, can we walk? It helps me think.

I'm not happy with the love montage.

You're not in the love montage.

Well, that's why I'm not happy.

Muffy. Every episode of Bikini Squad has a love montage with Biff and Summer.

It's expected.

Well, that's why I thought I should be in this one, because people are sick of

seeing the two of them together.

But aren't you supposed to be in love with Summer's dead brother?

Well, I figured that out.

I could still do the love montage with Biff, but I could be thinking about the

dead guy.

And how will the audience know this exactly?

Well, we could superimpose pictures of him in the clouds, and then I could look

up into the sky and blow kisses at him discreetly. Muffy.

Even if we had the time to shoot this and the money for the special effects,

which we don't, don't you think that your fans would expect you to be a

more heartbroken over Summer's brother to be with Biff?

No.

Because they'd want me to be happy.

Because they know if I'm not happy, I might not do the show at all.

Muffy, come on.

You're one of the biggest stars on TV.

I can't do the show without you, you know that.

Come on, Summer's just starting her career.

Can't you find it in your heart to help her out and to help me out by doing the

love montage as planned?

Look at you.

Quit being so damn macho.

I'll show you macho.

Ow!

How's your leg feel?

Sore, but as long as I don't look at it, I'm okay. I'm very visual.

Well, then I'll look at it. Somebody has to. It might be serious. Oh, yeah.

Somebody has to, Dr. Jeff.

Ow! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you.

You didn't. I just thought you were going to.

I'm sensitive.

I know. David told me.

Bad Bruce wish you to let me take you to the doctor nag nag nag.

I'll get some ice

Gonna

be

cold

Thank you.

What are you wearing heels for?

You

get

in there and steal the film. Me steal it? You steal it. You steal it. You.

Get me down from

here, please.

You gave great direction.

I love the way you smell.

It's perfume.

Ah, perfume.

The music of the nose.

Ah! Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just that you pinched my bad leg.

It's my fault. I'm sorry. I should have been more careful.

Does it hurt?

Yeah, but it's good pain.

How's your leg feel?

It's better.

I think the swelling has gone down. That's good.

It seems to be catching.

Give me a break.

Maybe I spoke too soon.

Last day.

And we're ahead of schedule.

We pulled it off, kiddo.

Well, we still have one more day.

I don't want to be superstitious or anything, but... We're fucked. I'm

You're fucked. The show's fucked. We're all fucked.

What's the matter?

We're fucked. Somebody broke into the camera truck last night and stole all

film. Everything we shot is gone. It's history. See you. Out of here.

But we can reshoot.

We can't reshoot. We don't have the time.

The film has to be the lab by 7 to be processed so we can get it to the

stations. We're syndicated, remember?

Let's just face it, boys and girls. We're fucked.

Well, if we have two film crews working at the same time, we can recover the

lost footage.

It won't work.

It will work.

Let's go.

Look, the union won't allow it.

The insurance companies won't cover it.

Hey, did I mention I got a bad back?

Wow. Good stuff. I'll take another.

Yeah, thank you.

Hey, do you have any cheese to go with this?

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Biff. No cheese.

Only Valium.

Lots and lots of Valium.

Oh, no.

Biff, help me. Save me, Mr. Biff.

Mr. Biff to save me. Please, Biff, save me. Come, Buzzard. Come.

Come feed on him.

Come feed on Mr. Biff who's lost his bus.

Hey, Biff.

What happened?

I don't know. I was just walking by and I saw Biff collapse.

Maybe he got too much sun.

I think we're going to kill Kathy.

Damn, I guess we're really fucked now, huh?

No way we can finish this shoot without Biff.

They're doing it right now. I thought you would want to know.

But I put them on the ambulance myself, for Christ's sake. I saw them drive

away. Well, Kathy said she found some way to save the show, and then she went

and she got Biff back.

This bitch is starting to drive me crazy. Who does she think she is? What

they do, revive him?

Kind of. Kind of? I put enough drugs in his drink, and I got a fucking rhino.

Well, she said she would make it work, whatever that means.

She said, damn.

Oh, this bitch is starting to drive me crazy. You know that? She's really

getting on my nerves, you know? After all I've done for her. And this, this is

how she repays me, huh?

After all this time, every time I try to get out, they keep bringing me back in.

He's in a coma.

Oh, my God. We have to get him to the hospital.

He can't be moved in this condition.

What can we do, doctor?

We've got to keep him warm.

But not too warm.

We have to stimulate his cerebral cortex. The next few minutes is very,

crucial. If only I had a radio or a radio player or something.

Will this work?

Yes, give me, give me.

How will we know it's working?

He'll be dreaming.

How do we know he's dreaming?

Eye movement.

Like that, look, look.

I don't see anything.

What's not? You're not a doctor.

But his eyes are moving and he is dreaming.

He has a chance.

It's America!

Oh, no, get off. Stop that. Stop that. This man could be in a hospital.

He's okay. We just need a couple more shots. No, we're coming. A couple more

shots. Oh, yeah, stop.

Get up. Get up.

Let go.

We need this shot.

You're fired.

Let go.

Get him off me. Get him off me.

What is war with you people? What are you thinking?

This man could have been seriously injured.

You're fired. You're fired. You're all fired. You're fired. I'm sorry, David. I

am completely responsible for this. It's not their fault. It was my idea to rig

up this.

Duh. But don't worry, I'll just think of another way to finish the show. No,

it's over. Go home. All of you, home.

We still have a couple of hours before the deadline.

Not! No! Stop! I got it. We put Jeff in a wig and Biff's jacket and we shoot it

from behind. Oh, you're doing it again. That perky, optimistic stuff. I hate

that. But I... Shut up!

Okay, put your hands up.

Put them up! Are you crazy?

A little.

Now give me the film.

Give me the film right now and hand it over.

Come on.

Let him keep the damn film. Like hell, I'd come this far.

Come on, let's go.

Ow, my back!

David, calm down. Put the gun away.

David, come on, we're a team. My problems are your problems. We are

David, we can... He'll save the show.

Will you stop saying that?

Don't you get it? I don't want to finish the show.

I'm losing a fortune on this thing. And every time I try to stop it, you people,

you know, you come up with a stupid, stupid, stupid idea.

David, give me the gun. No, I won't. You know, I don't need it. I mean, head

poisoning? Head poisoning?

What were you thinking?

I'm going to get off this show even if I have to kill you.

Kill you?

Yeah, that's the ticket.

Hey, hasta la vista, boobie.

Look, it's the Pope surfing!

Oh my...

of oppressors about this. They're going to be banging down your doors wanting to

hire you.

Oh, yeah, I forgot.

What about you?

Oh, I still have to finish my snake movie.

Maybe I can help.

Works for me.

Look at you.

They're so tan and so sexy.

Oh, but when Bill and I.

There's one that looks just like Bobby.

Genie tiny and.

My girl and I, we go surfing.

We roll around in the sand.

We take rides on my Harley.

She likes holding my hand.

We go up and hug on the boardwalk.

And make out under the pier.

She's my cool hot potato.

I like her better than...

I have to be smart.

I love my fancy tarts. If I want to cook and think, then I'll just go out in

my shrimp.