Original subtitles

♪ we ♪ are the crystal

♪ gems

♪ we'll always save the day

Steven: ♪ and if you think we can't, we'll ♪

♪ always find a way

♪ that's why the people

♪ of this world

♪ believe in

♪ Garnet

Amethyst: ♪ Amethyst

Pearl: ♪ and Pearl

and Steven.

Jamie: Steven.

Jamie.

Safe.

[ Both laugh ]

We have fun.

So, you got the goods?

Oh, I've got gooder than the goods.

Bum-da-da-dum-dum dum-da!

Wha--? A play!

I'm holding auditions tonight.

It's a local production

drifting through space, looking for stars.

[ Bad Italian accent ] If you need a great actor,

you come to the right guy.

What was that? [ Normal voice ] An accent.

From where? I don't know.

Acting. Acting.

Jamie, Jamie, Jamie.

Where's everyone else?

Uh, you're the only one that showed up.

But, hey, some plays only have one person in them,

so we're already in 200% better shape than that.

That sounds like some strange math...

But I'm ready. Great.

Here's a copy of the script.

"Beach City or bust: The tale of William Dewey."

This is my first production, so it needs to be exciting.

It needs to be classic.

It needs to be fully funded by mayor Dewey.

And it is...

Because he wrote it.

What's it about?

I'm glad you asked.

This is the story of how Beach City

was founded nearly 200 years ago

by my great-great-great-great grandfather,

William Dewey.

It's a truly important historical tale

with a lot of sentimental and political importance to me.

Well, we're just about to get started.

Uh, would you like to sit in on the rehearsal, mayor?

Don't mind if I do. Oh, pardon me.

Okay, Steven.

Since you're the only one who showed up,

you'll be playing the lead role of William Dewey.

Nailed the audition.

And for the other roles, I guess I'll have to play...

All of them.

[ Clears throat ]

The ship is out at sea.

The sun beats down on the crew while they stand on deck.

Suddenly, the tall, ruggedly handsome man

standing in front of them speaks...

"Crew, I'm so glad you could be part of this journey with me

as we search for a new land

to build a distinguished new city in.

"Oh, captain William Dewey, you're such a good captain.

Never has a voyage been so super good."

"Good point, first mate buddy."

[ Imitates all laughing ] For fun.

[ Thunder crashes ] Oh, no.

Is that a wild squall approaching us?

Surely this can't be good.

"Be calm, my crew."

I'll just save us with my heroic, supernatural ability."

And then William Dewey grows into a 50-foot giant

and carries the boat safely to shore.

The crew thinks he's so good at being captain

that they elected him to be the first mayor of Beach City.

The end.

Wow, mayor Dewey. That was really good.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

William Dewey is a really, uh,

good character...

But maybe we could bring out another side of William Dewey?

See his struggles?

The great William Dewey didn't struggle.

He was good at everything on the first try --

just like me when I wrote this play.

Not a single word needs to be changed.

But maybe -- [ Scoffs ]

Don't forget who's funding this.

Well, nice hustle, gentlemen.

Keep it up. Aye, aye.

This is gonna be a disaster.

What?

It's a terrible story.

William Dewey is totally unbelievable.

'Cause he grows 50 feet?

No, he's got no character.

But the script kept saying he was really good.

Exactly.

How can a guy have no faults?

To be human is to be flawed.

A real hero must struggle.

That's so beautiful.

And, also, totally not represented

in mayor Dewey's script.

[ Sighs ]

My first play -- and probably my last.

Hey, Pearl.

Pearl?

Steven, you're back.

Yeah. Show business is rough.

Is there something I can help you with?

Not unless you can make William Dewey interesting.

How do you know William Dewey?

I'm gonna be him in this play.

But he's totally boring.

He's perfect, and he never makes mistakes.

[ Sighs ] Wish I could say the same for myself.

Yeah, but nobody's like that.

Everybody gets stuff wrong.

And then you have to keep going, and it's hard,

which is why it's great when you never stop trying.

When did you get so smart?

Hmm. This isn't just boring.

It's historically inaccurate.

Who wrote this? Mayor Dewey.

[ Laughs ] He wasn't even there.

But I was.

You were there?

Wait, what really happened?

Well, for starters,

"ruggedly handsome" seems rather generous.

Steven...

This is so real.

It's like it was written by someone who lived it.

It was.

And I don't know if you can tell,

but I wrote the jokes.

I can tell.

It's so gritty, so passionate, so...

Historically accurate?

And the drama?

This is the play we should be doing.

Let's do it then.

Let's put on this version of the play.

But how?

We'd need new costumes, new props --

we have no time.

And mayor Dewey will have our heads.

But Jamie, you said it yourself --

"a real hero struggles."

By jiminy, you're right.

This show will go on tomorrow night

with you as captain William Dewey

and I as the remaining roles.

All of them?

[ Inhales ]

All of them.

Both: [ Hisses ] Boom, ahh,

acting.

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Mind if I have a seat?

Okay...

Oh, you know, I wrote this play.

I hope mayor Dewey isn't mad about the changes

guess we'll have to see. [ Chuckles ]

Are you nervous? Of course.

This could either make or break my career.

You could lose your job at the post office?

This could either make or break my hobby.

[ Chuckles nervously ]

[ Chuckles nervously ]

Acting. Acting.

Jamie: Boardies and gentleboardies,

tonight, I am thrilled to present to you...

"The tale of William Dewey."

Man: Yeah -- Beach City rules.

Woman: Shh.

Oh, captain, my captain,

how long until the soft lips of our sailing ship

kiss the rugged beard of new lands?

I know we've been journeying for many months,

but surely we'll run into something soon.

The ocean can't be that big.

Pearl: [ Laughs ]

There he is. Hi, Steven.

You're so talented. [ Giggles ]

Back home they called me "Dewey the dunce,"

said I couldn't find land even if I was standing on it.

[ Laughter ] What the...

And I'm starting to fear that they were right.

What light through yon stage left breaks?

Oh, what now?

Jamie: It is the east, and we are The Crystal Gems.

What? This wasn't in the script.

This wasn't in the budget, either.

Greetings. I am Pearl.

And I come to you

as a messenger of the brilliant,

Rose Quartz.

We ask that you turn your ship around.

The land you are headed for

is no walk in the park for your species.

Nonsense.

I won't take orders from the likes of you.

[ Scoffs ] Well, then...

You should turn around lest you fall into the sea.

And you know,

humans aren't very good swimmers.

They ain't.

I'll just return home

like the failure dunce I am.

Ugh. I can't even turn a sail right.

Why must I always struggle?

[ Laughter ] Wow, dad, what a loser.

Oh, captain, my captain,

we've drifted Miles from our course.

These waves are nothing like I've ever seen before.

Nonsense. This is only a drizzle.

Okay, maybe a light summer storm.

[ Monster roars ]

What's that portside?

[ Clears throat ] Lever. Oh.

[ Audience murmurs ]

[ Grunts ]

Captain, it's got me.

First mate buddy.

Whatever you do, don't give up your search.

You're the bravest man I know, because you try,

even though you fail so, so much.

Buddy, noooo!

[ Sobbing ]

Oh, buddy, a stale biscuit to the end.

[ Gasps ]

[ Roaring ]

And now my boat will sink into the depths.

Dewey the disastrous dunce.

What's this?

Holy anchovies. The quadruple noogie.

A move that's only been spoken of in legends.

Ah. It heads this way.

Oh, please, goddess of noogies, don't hurt me.

Whoa. I've made it!

Land! Sweet, solid land!

[ Kissing ] Ugh.

Thank you, giant woman.

Jamie: You may not want to stay, this land is dangerous.

No, I will stay.

For I am William Dewey,

and I don't give up in the face of failure.

[ Bad Italian accent ] That's what makes me great.

Jamie: Very well then.

But I can't promise you I won't interfere again.

[ Normal voice ] I shall name this new land

in honor of my dead first mate, buddy.

I'm alive.

Okay, Beach City it is.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

[ Cheers and applause ]

What?

[ Cheers and applause continue ]

Nice to know great grandpa was a real person with flaws.

Gutsy move dad. All: Mayor Dewey!

Mayor Dewey! Mayor --

one for you, and one for you...

Excuse me.

If I could have a moment with the talent.

Oh.

Jamie.

[ Laughs ] Oh, yeah.

Fantastic work.

I loved the message. "Vote mayor Dewey."

How about I offer you another role --

lead director of Beach City community theater.

You could put on more plays --

as long as the budget allows it.

[ Stammering ]

Uh, thank you, sir.

A lot of the credit should go to Pearl.

You could say she was an "inside source."

I am a gem of many talents --

a dedication to fact is just one of them.

Thank you for preserving my legacy.

Oh, what's 200 years between friends.

Well...

I must be off then

to bask in the adulation of my constituents.

You know, I don't remember there being a campaign slogan

at the end of that story.

Art doesn't always need a reason, Pearl.

Sometimes it's just gotta make the audience happy.

That's why you always end on a joke.

♪ You

♪ are like you