Original subtitles

Welcome to Small Achievable Goals,

the show where two friends get real

about menopause and middle age.

Today we’re talking hot flashes.

Oh my god, I’m so hot all the time

my make-up is sliding off my face.

Welcome to episode three! Invisibility.

People under the age of 25 literally cannot see me.

It’s episode six, Brain Fog.

Yesterday I could not remember the word for "tree"

so I just called it "street broccoli"...

Oh, cute.

That is our episode for this week.

We would like to thank our listeners for subscribing.

We love you. Bye!

Bye!

I can’t believe we got the show that we wanted.

The hours are long, but I love working for Amanda King.

Really good work today.

I have a few notes,

so come by my office before you leave, okay?

Okay.

You ready for this meeting?

Yes, I’m good.

Here we go.

Ow!

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

You are not your anxiety.

You are in control.

Feelings come and go like clouds in a windy sky.

Mom, come on.

We got party planning to do!

Action absorbs anxiety.

Thank you for listening.

Okay, my birthday party-

Uh, birthday party commences at 6:00 PM

in the activity centre known as ’Light Speed Combat’!

Don’t forget to pick up-

The Dumble Cake!

Don’t worry, please, baby. I am all over this party.

♪ Nothing to worry about ♪

You’re singing a lot lately.

What’s up with that?

Nothing. Young women with lasers,

that’s just a military that I can

♪ get behind, I can get behind ♪

Please wear pants. - Yep.

And remember, we are all back here

at 7:30 PM for a sleepover.

Please don’t be late.

Hey, you don’t have to worry about your mom.

You just worry about shooting people

directly in the chest, okay?

Mom’s okay.

- Hey! - Morning!

Oh, hey, have you been crying?

No. Oh my gosh. No I haven’t, have you?

Stop. Wait. - No.

Okay. What is happening?

Ugh, I just have to...

Oh? Oh! Okay. - Oh. Whoa!

Okay, why-why are your nipples wet?

Well, I was at the coffee shop

and this woman recognized my voice

and then she started to telling me

her vagina problems.

These are her tears.

Oh, that’s so sweet.

Oh sure, just like waltz in late.

Hey, Amanda is here. - Oh, hi. Okay.

And your eyes are so puffy.

What’s up with that?

Oh, absolutely nothing. I am steady. I am-

Just watch out for that-

- Oof! - Ooh. Okay, well...

Ooh, these look delicious.

Get your hand out of there.

The meeting hasn’t even started.

I can’t wait to tell Amanda how much I love her changes:

organic breakfast bar,

cranial sacral massages. Come on!

She is a visionary.

I feel like we just like get each other.

I am so close to being her best friend.

So close.

Ooooohhhhhhhh!

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

It’s the first quarterly review!

Who is ready?

I love you all.

You are superstars.

But you are also losers.

Podcasts are in decline.

We are under an existential threat to survive

and be the winners I know you are.

Our podcasts need to be number one across all platforms.

Crank it up!

Number one:

More downloads across the board!

How do we do that?

Number two:

Chelsey! Robyn! Make murder relatable!

Number three:

Julie! Kris!

I have a surprise for you.

Yeah?

All my other podcasts are doing it,

but now it’s your turn.

So from now on,

your podcast will be filmed.

Um... yeah, uh, not totally sure we wanna be on camera.

Don’t you want Small Achievable Goals

to be number one?

’Cuz I do.

And eyes mean more viewership,

which means more platforms, which leads to more growth,

more engagement...

And more studio time.

I’m gonna need a half hour more.

No.

Oh, and Devon- - Yeah. Evan.

I’m gonna take you off as managing director.

I just really need you to focus on Julie and Kris’s podcast.

Okay my beautiful number ones!

Go out there,

make it happen!

Because I really hate firing people!

Is that on the table? - Did she say fired?

See, we’re already fired.

I really wish Amanda had talked to us about this.

This is a big decision.

I mean, you’re lucky you’re used to being on camera.

Yeah, not today.

It’s really, it’s just, I have a lot of stuff.

And I’m just not a camera person today.

Okay, well I am not a camera person ever.

Okay, it’s Saffron’s birthday and then I gotta get a cake.

There’s lots of action,

it’s just not really absorbing anything.

Hey Julie, how are my eyes?

They’re so puffy.

Good. I mean, great. Yeah, no problem.

- Okay. - Okay.

We are not doing this!

We’ll just, we’ll go and talk to Amanda

and we’ll tell her how we feel and we’ll set everything right.

Okay, great.

We just need a meeting.

Probably not a meeting because that’ll take more time

and I have a birthday party.

Could you make it a short meeting?

Just no facts.

Amanda, we need to talk about the cameras.

You know what?

I actually just wanna talk to Kris for a second.

- Come. - Yeah.

Your eyes look a little swollen.

You okay?

Cancer?

Oh my god, you can tell from my eyes?

July 3rd.

Pisces.

Just two water babies hanging out.

Big hearts, big feelings.

I know you Kris.

Sure. For four months.

I mean, I know you.

Oh.

I can see that you haven’t been yourself.

So if you wanna talk about it...

this isn’t the place.

So stop letting the personal

get in the way of the professional.

I think it was Winston Churchill who once said,

"If you are going through hell,

"keep going."

I need you to be more like Winston Churchill.

Yeah, like just smoke cigars

and make decisions on the toilet.

You gotta keep it tucked in tight,

just like I had to.

It’s also really good for your core.

Mm-hmm.

Women everywhere are counting on you.

Don’t disappoint them.

I mean, that being said,

we love tears on the mic.

Everywhere else, yuck.

No tears.

I’m not doing that. Forget it. See ya. Thank you.

- Keep it weepy. - Yep.

But not too much.

Whoop! One tear sucked it back in. Thank you.

You know, but just enough.

Let them feel it,

but you just feel a little.

I’m not gonna feel anything.

Up!

A little feeling thing. Have feelings. Don’t have-

Um, thank you!

Hey! Um, so was I just demoted?

Let me be clear with you, Kevin.

It’s Evan.

I want all your focus on Julie and Kris.

Menopause is a billion dollar industry,

and I need to be the mama bird out there

with the advertisers and sponsors

bringing home the worms.

Yes, Mama Bird.

And then I am the rooster

because I stay here and I take care of the eggs, you know?

Do I look like a chicken?

The-the opposite.

Hey, wait, wait! I can manage the office

and produce the podcast.

You know, uh, Small Achievable Goals

is number five on the Wellness charts,

and we are well on our way!

This show has the potential to bring in some serious money.

And yes, it’s charting,

but it’s not generating as much revenue as it could.

And I need you to change that.

So you gotta put it all on the gas pedal.

Yeah.

Show me.

Um, okay, I, I-

Put it all on that billion dollar menopause pedal!

That’s it. Yes. - Just...

putting it in your, you know? - YES!

Success! - No.

Oh, okay. Alright. Okay.

Oh. Hey, Mo. What’s up?

Oh, elephant in the room.

Me and Kris.

No one cares. Not one person. - Uh uh.

Anyways, murder is relatable!

Okay? It’s called, "It Could Happen to You"

not "It Won’t Ever Happen to You."

What is more relatable than that?!

Right?!

I’ve never seen her like this.

I’m scared.

You know, she knows a lot about murder

and how to get away with it.

What are you saying, Robyn?

You know exactly what I’m saying!

I’m feeling something.

Something I’ve never like,

I don’t know, felt before.

It’s like all of a sudden I just like,

don’t, like, believe in myself or something.

Oh. That’s called "self-doubt".

I feel it every morning when I wake up.

Ew. Oh my gosh.

That is the most disgusting thing.

I’m working on it.

There is your two shot.

Okay, here we are.

Oh my god, is that what I look like?

So many chins!

Please, you look amazing.

Doesn’t she look amazing?

Kris, seriously, are you allergic to something or?

You know what? I’m allergic to the time.

I just, I have a hard out, Evan.

I gotta, okay, wait. We’re gonna go. Okay.

And oh my gosh, who the sweet fuck is Citron?

Ah, okay Evan, can we hold for a second?

Can we just hold?

Just gimme a second.

It’s like, I used to have a clear line of demarcation

between my chin and my neck,

and now it’s just like some horrible landslide of flesh.

Uh, we can smooth it out in post.

Just I don’t ever see myself from this angle.

Let’s roll, please.

How is it that I look both puffy and wrinkly at the same time?

Feelings, you know what they’re like,

they’re like clouds on a windy day, they come and go.

I am like fucking Winston Churchill.

I’m taking a shit and I’m commanding my shit, okay?

Let’s roll, please.

I can’t say vulnerable things and have people look at my face.

I just can’t do it! - You can.

- You can. - You can do it!

- No, I can’t do this. - You can do it, Julie.

- Yeah, you can. - You can.

No!

Okay, okay. Take five.

Hey, could, uh, we chat for a second?

I can go grab Kris.

Actually, I wanna talk to you.

I see great things for Small Achievable Goals.

I wanna take you and Kris to the next level,

but that requires video content.

That’s, uh, actually what I wanted to chat to you about.

I am just not comfortable being on camera.

It’s what the people want.

People wanna peel you like an onion, Julie.

They wanna listen to you

as you strip back the layers of your own skin.

Much like a derma-planing facial,

which I can book for you if you think that would be helpful?

You think I need a facial?

The bigger question is,

do you think you need a facial?

Because that’s what the people wanna know.

Okay. Um, I’m a journalist and I’m really,

I’m about ideas,

I’m not really about looks.

And I have to admit,

you really did spring this camera thing on-

Julie, you are a genius.

Let’s just let that sit for a second.

Julie- I, I...

that was a fast second, I could have just-

You have lived.

People wanna see that lived experience

come out of your lived in face.

I know you won’t disappoint me.

Because I’m a genius?

Oh, we’re done. Okay.

You can do this. You can do this.

You can do this.

You’re a genius. You can do this.

Oh my God.

Oh, okay.

Like that.

No, hold on.

Okay.

Over there.

Lifting...

You never looked better.

No.

No, no, no, no!

I need the extra half hour for tech.

I’m not leaving until my demands are met.

I’m taking your phone hostage.

That’s a lot of missed calls.

Gimme my phone, Larry.

Give me my studio time.

What in "no" don’t you understand,

the N or the O?

Hello? This is Larry. To whom am I speaking?

Oh, Tatanya.

So lovely, hey!

I’ll call you back.

That’s rude. Who’s Tatanya?

This meeting is over.

Goodbye.

Okay. Thanks for coming in, Kris.

No problem, yeah.

I just wanted to show you last week’s episode.

Once I pull it up here, wherever it, oh, there it is.

Okay, uh, so if you notice this monitor here,

it’s peaking a bunch.

It’s this weird background kind of noise,

which isn’t the biggest deal,

but if we could just cut that out.

Today on the show we are talking about mood swings,

uh, uh, changes that, that, um, in menopause-

What Julie’s trying to say, I got it. I got it.

Okay, um, we’re talking about menopause

and, um, mood swings and emotional health.

And I’m fine emotionally.

I’ve never had a mood swing,

so I don’t really know what that’s like.

But I imagine maybe it feels like, uh,

like a big black bird, I guess?

It’s just sitting on your chest,

like it’s the size of a possum.

It makes it really hard to breathe

and then your chest gets really tight and you’re just like,

"I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe"

but you got, but you can’t say anything

and you gotta keep the bird tight.

You’re like, "Little crow? Little crow killing the possum?

Please don’t say anything.

And it’s coming at you and it’s like, "Kris!

"Kris, you are a failure."

And the possum’s already dead and it’s just hanging there-

Okay, screw it, screw it, screw it, screw it.

I’ve gotta get to the birthday party

and I gotta be Winston Churchill.

I gotta keep it together and I gotta put the name change

on the cake.

- Okay. - Okay.

Okay. You know what?

Yeah, mood swings are a thing.

They can be surreal.

They can be abstract.

They can feel like a bird possum or whatever that is.

But, uh, let’s unpack that, okay?

Let’s, uh, oh shit.

Oh shit! Go, go! I got this.

Okay, Kris, we can see you.

You cannot see her.

We can.

Okay, look, Evan,

you wanted raw, vulnerable, emotional.

Well this is what menopause really looks like.

One of us is holding on a pillow for dear life,

while the other one’s trying to escape.

Keep ’er tight.

So let’s talk mood swings.

You know, sometimes the way that my husband eats his cereal

makes me wanna kill him.

The other morning I was in the kitchen

and then out of nowhere...

Suckers!

Hey, I’m looking for my daughter.

Her name is Saffron.

Saffron!

SAFFRON!

Ahhhhh!

Saffron.

Your kid’s party ended an hour ago.

Her dad came to pick her up.

Okay guys, that’s enough.

Come on, let’s go.

You got her.

Come on, you got her.

Julie? What are ya...

Ah...

What’s all this?

I’m exploring my non-surgical options.

Oh. For what?

Anti-aging!

Basically it boils down to shooting poison, needles

or my own blood into my face.

Oh. You know, I, I like your face the way it is.

This isn’t about how you feel about me,

it’s about how I feel about me.

You know, in my mind I’m 38,

but when I saw myself on camera today,

I realized... I’ve peaked.

I just want my outsides to match my insides.

And my insides don’t have all this extra skin.

Remember I used to have a six pack?

You never had a-

Yes, look,

I can’t change how you feel about you,

but I love your face, so please don’t change it.

I will always love you, your body-

Even when I can tuck my boobs into my pants?

Yes! Yes.

Because I will be right there next to you,

tucking my balls into my socks.

But seriously, if I can tuck my balls into my socks,

that’s time for you to-

Oh, smother you with a pillow.

- Perfect. - Goes without saying.

I’m here.

Saffron!

I’m here. I’m here.

Hi, I’m a little bit late.

- Hi. - Hi. I’m sorry.

Hey. Oh, hey.

Babe? Kris is here.

Hi, um, are you hugging me so I don’t go inside?

Kinda. - Okay.

Hey, hey. - Hi. Hi.

Here. Oh, everything’s okay.

No, it’s not okay. It is not okay.

I’m gonna just gonna go inside for a second.

I just wanna say that I’m sorry.

Everyone understands. We already talked about it.

They totally get it.

Everyone’s calm.

Okay, your hours have been nuts since you started the new show.

Leave it for tonight, okay?

Let Saffron be with her friends.

Oh my god.

The whole thing.

No. Come on, stop.

You know what? Is everything...

Here you go. Here’s the cake. It’s fine.

Oh my god, you’re right. Enjoy the cake.

Have a great night.

Hey Kris. Is everything okay?

Yep.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

You know what I did? I shot your mouths off.

I shot them right off. Pew pew!

I’m just gonna speed away on my bike fast ’cuz...

Wear the helmet.

Hello?

You’re where?

Hey!

Oh, hey. - Hey.

Everything okay? - Yeah.

What ya doing in my yard?

Hanging out.

Uh, I couldn’t sleep so I went for a coffee,

and then I rode my bike around town and then I climbed a tree.

You know, the yoozhe.

And you did all this while wearing a laser tag vest?

That is right, ma’am.

How did the sleepover go?

She had a great birthday.

Just a really good birthday party for her.

And then she-she stayed at her dad’s.

Oh, I’m-

I wouldn’t.

Okay, I’ve never known you to refuse a hug before.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I’m good. I...

Amanda just says I gotta keep my bird in tight, so...

I don’t know what that means,

but it sounds inappropriate.

Okay, no hug.

We can just sit here.

You can hug my finger.

There’s less feelings in a finger.

God, you have a vice-like grip.

Well, she loves it!

Amanda loves it!

And it is all thanks to me

because I know what your audiences want:

the raw, honest, vulnerable, real you.

I have so many clips that I know are gonna go viral.

So just keep just doing that, right?

Yes.

Great. So we, we just have a nervous breakdown every week?

Do whatever it takes!

Julie, she is thrilled with me.

Us. You. Me.

Yeah!

Ow. What was that?

It was a high five, but I was looking there

and you were supposed to be ready for it.

No no, my hand wasn’t there. - Save it for the podcast.

Put your boob down and put your hand up.

I don’t know how to do that.

I’m sorry I answered your phone.

Not cool.

It was my sister.

My mother can no longer live alone

and I can’t live with her.

She likes things her way, and I like things my way.

You just need a beat.

Yeah.

Whatcha doin’?

Oh, I am just reminding myself that, uh,

one day I’ll be eighty.

Look at that.

- Cute. - Yeah, right?

I remember when that photo was taken,

I thought I was an unlovable monster.

And, you know, one day I’m gonna be eighty

and I don’t wanna look at a picture of myself now and think-

My balls were so high and tight back then.

No, I don’t wanna think that.

- Love you. - Love you.

Hmm. Okay.

Oh.

Oh.

♪ You could say it’s my instinct

♪ Yes, I still have one

♪ There’s no time to second guess it ♪

I love you.

♪ Yes, there are things that I’m still so afraid of ♪

I love you.

Yeah. Yeah, you look cute.

♪ It’s vain about its mane and will reveal them to no one ♪

Hey, this is Saffron’s mom.

A little surprise for you.

I’m giving you the big room.

Yay!

You get Mom’s room.

All the space you want.

It’s like, it’s almost like a two bedroom.

I love you.

I hope you’re having fun at your dad’s.

♪ Pick up that rock, drink from that lake

♪ I do my best, but I’m made of mistakes

♪ Yes, there are things that I’m still quite sure of

♪ Oh I love you this hour, this hour today

♪ And heaven will smell like the airport

♪ But I may never get there to prove it

♪ So, let’s not waste our time thinking how that ain’t fair

♪ I’m an animal

♪ You’re an animal, too ♪