Original subtitles

"Glow Up with Kris" has just been nominated

for a Poddy Award. - Oh.

I did it! I did it!

I don't wanna win the award with you.

I don't want anything to do with you.

I want it, okay?

Because it's my brainchild.

I'm anxious, I'm bloated.

I can't sleep.

You might possibly be in perimenopause.

♪ No! ♪

Got no libido.

And when I do have sex, it feels like razor blades.

I could give up the P in V sex,

but I'm not sure that my husband Pete can.

You told your entire podcast audience

that you do not wanna have sex with me?

What?

You have no boundaries!

I don't have anyone to talk to at home.

I'm alone.

Julie? Is Julie here?

Kris.

Yeah, I need to talk to you.

Well, I've got something to say to you.

You have no idea what you have done.

Wait a second.

I know why I'm angry, why are you angry?

Ah, because you left that personal stuff with Saffron

in the podcast.

Oh and you think I left in

that really embarrassing confession about Pete

and our sex life?

Oh yeah, that doesn't make sense.

Okay, fine. Then if you didn't leave it in,

I didn't leave it in, who left it in?

I did. Oh, you guys,

that episode was so incredible and messy.

I knew it would go viral.

Cha ching.

Ugh. What's wrong?

This episode has more downloads than anything you've aired.

You should be happy.

And thank me.

You released that episode without our consent.

That was private stuff

that was never supposed to go in the episode.

You know what?

I am the Managing Director of Podcast Folx

and I am the one who brought you two together.

I should get the Poddy Award.

I edit the episodes. Not you.

You wanted a podcast about honesty and connection

and you did it and it was great, right?

Everyone loved it!

Yeah, everyone except our families!

Oh God, yeah, I can't hear you.

The office is a sound vortex.

Yeah?

Well, can you hear this? - Oh.

Yeah, that's gonna be in stereo!

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

♪ I FEEL IT ALLLLLLLLL!!! ♪

Pete still isn't answering my calls.

It's been almost a week.

Is he ever gonna forgive me?

Yeah. Saffron still won't talk to me.

How long do you think

she's gonna live with her dad?

Give her some time and space.

She'll come around.

You've given Pete time.

How the fuck is that working out for ya?

Julie, we need to be active.

Okay, okay, but to be fair,

it's an entirely different thing.

We are married,

so I have legal custody of Pete.

Ugh! And the Poddy Awards are tonight.

I don't give a goddamn shit

about the nominations, okay?

I just care about my daughter.

So you do whatever you wanna do with Pete,

you goddamn weirdo.

'Cause I actually

have a plan to get Saffron back.

Does it involve mooning?

No. You know what?

I'm gonna do even better.

I'm gonna meet her exactly where she's at.

Yes!

At school? Because honestly,

that didn't work out so well the last time.

I am not gonna meet her at school, Julie.

I've learned my lesson.

I'm not gonna embarrass

my little girl.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Where you going?

I've gotta get a broom,

I've gotta get a pointy hat,

and I've gotta get an IUD.

Oh, I have a doctor's appointment.

It's a Band-Aid solution to the bleeding.

Gotta say, riding a bike right after getting an IUD

might not be the wisest.

I'll drive you.

So we'll be back in time for the awards.

Shotgun! I got my hand up first.

And we just have to stop off and see Saffron.

Mm, I think I'll wait in the car this time.

Jesus, Mom!

Look, it's me.

I'm giving you time and space

and I'm meeting you where you're at,

'cause I'm a witch. Look at me. Yay.

Yeah, I can see that.

Listen, Saffron, I'm really sorry

that I didn't tell you the truth.

Mom, you never tell me the truth.

Is that why you didn't tell me about your period?

'Cause I wanted you to know how it feels.

Listen, listen to me.

I didn't tell you about all the doctor's appointments

because I didn't wanna scare you.

I wanted to protect you.

Not telling me is a lot more scary.

I just think the worst.

I'm so sorry.

You know what? You want the truth?

You are coming with me right now

to the doctor's appointment. - What?

Yeah, I'll explain in Julie's car.

Let's go!

Only because I get to miss biology.

Catch up! I'm flying!

Hey. I have an event later.

So...

Woowee! Somebody's looking casket sharp!

Jamila... - Uh huh.

You wouldn't happen to know how to tie a bow tie, would you?

Actually, I do. - Oh.

My daddy owned a funeral parlour.

Keep still.

It's a little tight.

I'm not used to doing this on somebody

who could actually move.

There he is.

Hey, Michael.

Michael, what is the occasion?

Well, the Poddy Awards are today,

and I have two tickets,

so I'll be taking Evan.

Aren't those tickets for Kris and Julie?

Ah, it's just for the top brass, right?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, I would take them but it's sold out.

And I wanna be there when I beat Amanda King.

You know, she used to work for me?

Yeah.

Yeah, she left to start her own business.

An independent woman. How disgusting.

After everything I taught her with the-

You're being sarcastic.

Would I do that?

Well, I agree with you, Michael. A hundred percent.

Ugh, Judas.

Yeah. See? This is why I promoted him.

But also because of my work ethic.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, this is Sharon. She's my new mate.

My mom's a lot.

She's fun though.

Uh, I can see the family resemblance.

I wear it better.

It's Pete.

Hello?

Jules, look, I had a little accident.

I'm at the fire training facility. I need you-

I'm on my way.

Pete needs me. I gotta go.

Okay. Good luck.

I'll take care of my mom. Go.

Okay. Bye.

Pete? Oh.

Pete? Do you know? Okay.

Oh Pete, can you hear me?

Don't die while you're still mad at me!

I'm fine.

You don't look fine.

I just twisted my ankle earlier, that's all.

All right. During a training exercise.

That's why I called you.

All right? I can't drive.

So I figure if you gimme a ride home,

I'll get the car later.

Wha-what's all this then?

Oh, sorry.

While I'm outta commission, the guys figured

they'd run me through another training exercise.

You know, brush up on their skills.

That's it.

Jesus Christ, you scared the shit out of me!

Hmm. Well, I'm sorry.

So this is where you've been spending all your time?

This is where the training happens.

Pretty cool, huh?

Kinda is, yeah.

Well, here, let me introduce you to the guys.

Oh, are these the guys that heard the last podcast?

Oh, they're over that.

Earlier today, one of the new guys

slid down the fire pole with his shorts on.

Everyone here is just busy calling him "thigh burns."

I would've gone with "fire crotch."

Oh my God, that's way better.

Guys, how 'bout "fire crotch" for Eddie?

I see why you like it here.

He cried earlier.

Well, Michael and Evan are nincompoops.

What would you like me to do about it?

We have to stop them from stealing the spotlight

from Julie and Kris.

I just don't wanna get involved.

It's too late, you're already involved.

So I'll call Julie, you call Kris.

Ooh, as much as I would love to,

Kris isn't really talking to me right now.

Why, 'cause you had a little smoochie-smooch, got scared,

changed your mind and cut it off in a hot second?

How did you-

You got your magic, I got mine.

Shambala.

Let's scooch down a little.

Scooch it like you mean it.

Bring it towards me, come on.

There we go.

Alright, I'm gonna start the procedure now.

You might feel a little pinch.

Okay.

Ah, okay, okay.

That was just, that wasn't,

that was more than a pinch. Whew!

You gotta stay still.

It's gonna be some discomfort, but that's totally normal.

I heard that before.

Ah, sorry. I'll, yes.

You know what? I got something for ya.

Just hold onto that,

squeeze it and then you will be able to relax.

Okay.

I can take the pain. I can take the pain.

Can you?

Ah, I can feel it it's scraping my cervix

all the way up my throat.

It's sharp.

Women are praised for taking the pain.

Did you have a natural birth?

Yes I did. No drugs.

That's amazing.

I was shamed for a C-section.

Gotta prioritize a doctor's needs.

Yeah, take it.

I can take it. I can't, I can't, I can't take it.

I can't take it.

Alright. Alright, let's, uh, try again another day.

Or not.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna leave you to get dressed.

Firefighters make really good hot chocolate.

I know.

Hey, Pete.

I'm sorry about the podcast.

Are we still friends?

Always.

Hey, listen, um, about the P in V stuff.

I-I could live without it.

Really?

We can always do other stuff.

Or not do stuff at all.

Is this because I said it hurts?

Partly. Like I, obviously I never wanna hurt you,

but, you know, doing stuff is a lot of work.

Sometimes I just wanna watch Bake Off, you know?

Yeah. Hmm.

You know what I,

I think I wanna keep doing the work to make it work or,

or to make it less work.

Is that okay?

Yeah, of course. Obviously.

Just not tonight. I'm exhausted.

Excuse me? Julie?

Oh, this is Grace.

Our instructor.

I just came over to say,

I listened to your podcast with Peaches and I loved it.

Oh.

I've also been experiencing awful night sweats.

Oh my God, they're the worst, right?

It's like this whole second puberty

that nobody tells you about.

Can you imagine not telling kids about puberty?

Yes, that's literally what my parents did.

Right. Sorry.

Hey, the boys wanna put you in a full body cast in ten.

Hello?

Julie, you need to get your ass back into the office asap.

Something came up. Why? What's happening?

Uh, the Poddy Awards.

Mo?

Hi, I'm involved.

Michael just stole your tickets and is taking Evan

Shit.

Yeah, and we can't get ahold of Kris.

Okay, you know what?

I know where she is. I will grab her.

I'm gonna come with you. - Yeah.

I don't want to go in a full body cast.

No, that's a good idea.

You have a lot of body hair. Let's go.

So how'd it go?

Great.

Oh no, we're not gonna do that anymore.

We're gonna tell each other stuff.

I didn't have the IUD because it was too painful.

So what are you gonna do?

I don't know, but I do know that I am so tired

of not having answers to my questions

and I'm really, really tired of people trying to tell me

that my period and pain are normal.

Is the pain worse than cramps?

Do you have cramps, babe?

Here, here, I got some ibuprofen in my cauldron.

Mom's got her gel nails on,

can you get that top off?

You know, uh, pain and cramps

is totally normal in a girl her age.

Honey, hold my cauldron.

What did you say?

I just said that pain and cramps is completely normal.

If you try and normalize my little girl's pain,

I'm gonna take a page outta Julie's book

and I'm gonna wear your balls as a necklace.

But first I'm gonna frigging dip them in oil

and I'm gonna light them on fire!

Sharon, call security.

I'm super busy.

You must be Kris.

Oh my God, Pete. - Hi.

Nice to properly meet you.

Oh, okay. I think maybe we should save the intros

for later.

Let's go.

She's dressed up like a witch, like a wit-

usic]

Where's Michael and Evan?

Girl, you're a day late and a dime short.

They left already.

I am not getting skipped again.

No one's getting skipped.

We're all going and we're stopping Evan and Michael.

Yes we are.

Jamila, what time is our category up?

In exactly one hour.

Okay, that's not much time.

We don't have any tickets!

Ah, no problem. I have a plan.

But first, we need the Glow Up of all Glow Ups.

We gotta go in there looking badass.

Can you do it?

Yeah, I can.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just gonna need a few things.

♪

♪ When I get mad

♪ And I get pissed

♪ I grab my pen

♪ And I write out a list

♪ Of all the people

♪ That won't be missed

♪ You've made my shitlist ♪

NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

What?

You're starting your period.

Oh! Now body, are you kidding me with this right now?

Everybody, you stick to the plan!

Won't say another word.

Okay, run, everybody, go, go, go, go!

Julie, I'm gonna meet you in the bathroom.

We better move now, honey.

You better go. Okay.

Time is not our friend.

Here's the plan.

First step,

we need to get past security.

It's magic time.

Mo, we need you to create a distraction.

Prepare to be amazed!

Shambala.

I'm a magician.

I was doing a magic trick!

If we win, we need to make sure we get to the stage first.

While Chelsey takes care of Evan...

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

No, no, not that.

Better.

But even a drunk can accept an award.

This has gotta be airtight.

Robyn, stop Evan.

Larry, make friends with the sound department.

And Jamila, the big boss is all yours.

Oh my God.

I found it in the cloakroom.

It really was the best I can do.

I promise we will make this work.

You look like a...

Dry vagina.

You know what? Gimme a spin.

Yeah, you do.

And the nominees for best new podcast are:

Blow Up with Kris.

Where the hell are they?

I can fix this.

It's great. Fine.

Just a little pop of colour.

Look what I got from the lost and found.

No, no. Oh, no, no, no, Kris, no.

Yes. - Oh, I hate you, oh!

I love you.

And the winner of best new podcast is:

Glow Up with Kris!

Yes!

There it is.

Yes! I knew it.

We gotta go!

Congratulations.

Who would've thought that the ladies would win?

I want to thank you. It's such an honour.

Thank you.

I got this. I got this. - Okay.

Wow. Totally unexpected.

Uh, I do want to thank all the other nominees

for not being up here.

I'd like to also it's like a, um, I think...

Can they?

Is there something wrong with the mic?

Testing, one, two.

Thank you.

Glow up with Kris. Here's Kris.

Go for it, Julie.

Ah. Ahhhh, wow.

This is actually literally my worst nightmare, um,

standing in front of you

dressed like a space priestess.

But I realize now that that's because I judged my aunt

who dresses like this, really harshly.

I thought she'd given up and I realize now she's free.

And actually this is quite comfortable.

Uh, I, um, I turned 50 this year and I hit menopause

and I really thought that my life was over.

Um, but I realize now that it's the start of something

pretty great.

And, um, I think I have you to thank for that, Kris.

Perimenopause!

I'm in it!

I mean, Julie forced me into it,

but here I am.

Yeah, I think, I think your body did that.

I love you, Julie.

Oh, yeah.

No, I mean, I really love you.

Also, I-I love hormones.

That's right, I love 'em.

Also, I love period blood.

Yeah! Yeah, I mean, I don't love 27 days of it.

Hey, that's a, that's a lot of stuff happening down there.

Also, I don't think I love the menopause medical system.

That could use some work.

Dr. Kent, I'm looking at you!

Okay, I think what we're trying to say is that-

We love middle-aged vaginas.

Yeah? You know what I'm talking about?

Hands up if you've got one.

Yeah? Put your hands up.

Let me see it.

Get 'em up in the air.

Lemme see it.

Hands up if you love them.

That's right.

Hands up if you've got one.

I wanna see your hands.

Yeah, actually, so I think maybe we do a new podcast,

kind of like our last episode where we talk about menopause

and tell the truth about it,

and but we're not blowing up our families.

So in conclusion, thank you very much.

We'd like to thank our wonderful colleagues

at the Podcast Folx, you guys rock!

And we'd like to thank the person who helped us the most.

Evan Vandergrift.

Who brought us together in the first place.

Evan, this is for you.

Thank you.

Seriously?

Yeah. - Oh. Oh my God.

Um, wow, um, thank you.

I'm not done. I'm not finished.

Kris. Kris. Kris!

Hi. - Hi.

I'm so proud of you.

Thanks. How did you get in here?

Magique.

Um, I made a terrible mistake

and I just wanna say that I think I can-

Mo, Mo, I think that you are a wonderful magician,

but I just don't think it's our time.

I'll see you around.

Yep. See you around.

See ya.

Julie and Kris.

Hey.

I don't remember approving any new podcasts, did I?

Well, you know, Michael, if you've seen the numbers

for the Peaches episode, you'd actually see this-

Oh, Amanda. - Michael.

Hi.

Well, I see you won one, two, three, four, five.

Five of your nine nominations.

Whereas we won a hundred percent of ours.

Of the one you were nominated for.

I just wanted to say-

Hi. Amanda. Hi.

Hi.

From Queen of Kings Studios.

I was blown away by what you said up there.

Oh.

And I think your idea for the podcast could be huge.

I'd like you to think about coming to do it with me

instead of with the Podcast Folx.

We are a woman run, woman owned studio.

Yeah, you'd both love it there.

Think about it.

Thank you. - Thank you.

Thank you.

Wait a minute. Throw that out.

Hey. - Michael.

Hey Michael, um....

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yeah, we should leave Podcast Folx.

I wanna fuck her.

I mean, what you were thinking.

Definitely what you were thinking.

Well, we got her number either way.

♪ I'm a bomb

♪ Exploding and trying to hold it in

♪ I'm a bomb underwater, screaming ♪

♪

♪