Original subtitles

Hey Saffron, I know that you spent the night

at your dad's last night.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool,

because I am flexible.

Even though the schedule has stayed the same for five years.

But guess what? Me?

Boop! Open to change.

I made ya a cake. Surprise! - Mom...

It's your favourite, honey.

Um, it's like a money cake, but guess what.

It's got period products in it.

Mom, stop.

Amazing. It's got pads, it's got tampons.

I just dread the money cake 'cause guess what-

Mom!

We've talked about this.

You have no boundaries.

I just need some space.

Okay, honey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I got space.

I got loads of space.

I love space.

I'm practically like NASA. You want a ride?

That's the exact opposite of what I want.

Okay, I'll talk to you tonight.

Good, yeah, I'm gonna see you tonight, that's for sure.

'Cause I'm gonna call you, I'm not gonna call you.

I love you, you wanna see me pop a wheelie?

Mom's cool, beep-bow!

Zap me up, brah!

Hey, um, I tried to call you all weekend to apologize.

What is going on?

I am just moving out the last of my things.

If you could please wait outside,

that would be wonderful.

Okay, I'm pretty sure the picture of Pete and I is mine.

I'm pretty sure that you gave it to me, so.

And I didn't respond to your apology

because you complained about me to HR

and then you lied about it.

And I'm pretty sure that this pen is mine.

You were touching people who didn't wanna be touched.

How would you know?

Because it was me!

I don't wanna be touched by you!

Well then, honey, be specific, don't speak for the group.

I specifically don't want your ass on my desk right now.

You don't? You don't like this ass on your desk?

Do you like this?

Hoo-hoo-hoo, hoo-hoo-hoo.

Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-

You have made my job impossible since day one.

You wouldn't have a job if it wasn't for me. Hmm?

You know what I think?

I think that we should take a break.

That is the first idea of yours I've actually liked. Hmm.

Close the door after you.

Maybe don't let it hit you on that ass.

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it all ♪

Can I ask you something?

Is it about your fight with Kris?

I can't talk to Kris right now

because she's being ridiculous.

This is about Pete.

Okay, so this morning,

I asked him if he wanted to have lunch

and he said no

because he has a thing.

But I know on Tuesdays

he never has a thing.

But then he gets a text

saying he does have a thing.

But the text is from a number

I don't recognize,

which is a huge thing.

What is happening here?

What is happening here?

No, no, no, no, this,

you trying to talk to me

about non-work stuff.

What is this about?

You're my only other work friend, so.

As your friend,

you should know that I have a lot of work to do

and friends do not let friends

not get their work done.

You're right, Jamila.

What do I do when I have problems?

I bury myself in work.

That's right.

Thank you, friend.

You're welcome, yes!

Where was I?

Ooh, these are to die for!

Gonna look like fire!

Mo, I messed up.

Saffron stayed at her dad's last night

and she didn't even eat her apology cake.

It looks really good.

Red Velvet? - Yeah.

Can I, uh?

Yeah, thanks.

I lost my daughter and I lost my best friend, Julie.

Although I don't care about Julie

'cause she's an arse fart.

Hold on now, there's no way

that you lost your daughter.

Maybe you need to go a little easier on Julie,

because I really feel

like she's trying to help.

Hmm, mm, oh, okay.

It's not used.

Oh, that's fun.

You wanna know what she did?

Okay, are you ready?

So Julie took eighty knives

and then she stabbed me in the back

just like this.

Oh, oh, geez.

And one in the throat,

- and twisted it. - Ooh!

She slit it.

Okay, okay. - Yeah.

I think maybe Julie

or anybody else, for that matter,

is struggling to share how they feel

because they're worried about the person

rejecting them or reacting badly.

Maybe they wanted to tell you how they felt

for a very long time.

Maybe there's been clues.

Maybe there's been magic.

Oh, I am so sorry.

Shambala.

♪

Yes.

Obviously, we are together now.

Oh, P.S.

♪ We're goin' out tonight ♪

Top tip, I love baked cheese.

Baked cheese.

I'm float, I'm floating.

I knew Kris was gonna be a huge star.

And look, our numbers are fantastic.

And "Glow Up with Kris" has just been nominated

for a Poddy Award. - Oh!

Fantastic, okay. - Mmhmm.

Well, we'll have to capitalize on this.

What's your next move then?

Dooh, next, next move...

Celebrity guest?

Perfect, perfect.

But make it a big one, okay?

Uh, Ariana Lupo or, uh,

Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

Okay?

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh ♪

Excuse me.

Sorry, could you guys move down?

Yeah, sure. Yeah.

Oh no, no, no. I don't wanna sit there.

Something stinks over there.

Okay, butts in seats please.

Okay, guys, butts in seats.

Today is a good day because

"Glow Up with Kris" just got nominated

for a Poddy Award for Best New Podcast.

Oh my God! - Ah!

So exciting! - Woo!

I did it, I did it!

Yeah, you thought of the concept

and you produced the podcast, right.

'Cause it's your name on the poster,

"Glow Up with Julie"?

I don't think so.

I don't wanna win the award with you.

I don't want anything to do with you.

Well, I don't want anything to do with you.

Well, I do. I want it, okay?

Because it's my brainchild.

And now I can say that I am the proud Zaddy

of an award-nominated podcast

and I am gonna use that little nom

to snag us a phenomenal guest,

someone famous.

Since Kris clearly doesn't need me

to produce her award-nominated show,

uh, I think we should do a little switcheroo

and I'll produce Chelsey

and Robyn can produce Kris.

Okay.

Wait. What? - Why? What?

I don't care, I don't care.

Make it work.

Just get it done.

And know that I will get us a celebrity guest

if it kills me.

We could do an episode about a man

who's keeping a secret from his wife.

Oh, she finds out what it is and he kills her.

No, no, not that.

Oh, yes, the mistress kills her.

No, why does the wife have to die?

'Cause the wife always gets murdered, Julie, okay?

And we're doing a murder podcast.

I feel like you do that every week.

What if we do an episode where the wife lives?

No, I'm sorry, if nobody gets murdered,

I am not doing it.

Sorry, Boomer.

I am not a Boomer!

I am Gen X.

Same difference.

We are a tiny but mighty and ignored generation

who grew up watching a lot of television

that led us to believe that quicksand

was going to be a large danger in our life, hey!

Fine, ignore me.

Just makes my generation stronger!

I put a call out for Post Malone

and I set my intention candle,

so I actually think it could happen.

Why are you stressing?

This is not like you.

Michael's just not that thrilled about the nomination

because "Queen of King Studios"

has way more nominations than we do.

Yeah, he really hates Amanda King.

So I have to find a big name.

Well, I could put in a call into Naomi Klein.

And I could throw myself into traffic, Julie.

But neither of those suggestions is gonna help.

Okay, so what do you want this episode to be about?

I get to choose?

Yeah.

Okay, great, um, well, I have a load of ideas.

Um, we could do an episode on highlighter or low lighter.

Okay, I like those. - This one, rainbows-

This would be fun.

I love rainbows.

Metallic freckles, that's pretty wild.

That's awesome.

This one just says "panther", I don't what it means.

I wrote it on a napkin.

Oh, I love that, roar.

We could do this episode anywhere.

We could do it in a public pool

or a prison or a kindergarten.

Like, wanna go to space?

We could do that.

I think this could be a super fun episode.

This could be a great episode.

You just gotta choose.

♪ I am letting it steep, letting it percolate ♪

With the thoughts in my mind,

and they're there and they're ready to pounce.

And then it's, I'm gonna circle back.

Okay.

Thank God I have an appointment.

So I just, I mean, I have to go.

Are we not starting the episode today?

I gave you twelve ideas.

I'm a genius, okay?

Listen, you better get to work.

Wait, what?

Let's try this a different way.

Say the killer has a secret he's keeping from his wife.

What could that be?

That he's a killer.

Besides that.

We can't do a show about some imaginary murderer, okay?

We have to pick one.

Dahmer, Manson, Bundy, Berkowitz, Bernardo, Ramirez,

Menendez, the Black Dahlia,

Jack the ripper, the Hillside Strangler.

I would hate to see your search history.

Okay, fine, the, the killer is my husband.

Your husband killed someone?

Nope, no, no, no, no, no, my husband did not kill anyone.

He's been acting strangely lately,

I'm just trying to figure out what's happening.

He's probably cheating.

That's what I thought too, but nope.

So now I'm looking for new ideas.

Hmm, gambling addiction.

He got food poisoning one time at the casino,

so the craps table has a whole different meaning for him.

Post Malone blocked me, he blocked me!

I feel like I blew out my intention candle

too soon or something.

It's okay, I got this.

We are gonna find someone fantastic!

Julie, I know how you can find out what Pete's secret is.

Okay, great, what is it?

Ask him.

That's your great idea?

My generation values direct communication.

My generation prefers to communicate

through mix tapes, so.

Just call him, right now.

God, your eye contact is unrelenting.

Do you ever blink?

Okay, fine, I'll call him.

Could I have some privacy?

Okay, Boomer. - Ugh, Gen X!

Multiple results back.

Whatever it is, I can take it

'cause it's better than not knowing, it sucked.

I wish I had better news.

Your results are, uh, inconclusive.

Could be any of a number of things.

So I'll have to book you in for a sonohysterogram.

Oh, well, shoot.

I just, I don't, I don't know what that is.

How long till that appointment?

Four months at least.

What are we gonna do about the pain

and the bleeding till then?

A lot of women go on the birth control pill.

Oh God, I can't do that.

I lost my mind on that.

How about an IUD?

That's funny 'cause I heard that's like a fish hook.

Isn't there metal in that one?

Yes.

Interesting, huh?

Is there any other options?

I've told you the options:

you test in four months,

IUD or you keep taking ibuprofen.

They're good for the, the old kidneys, um...

I'm gonna need more time.

Yeah.

Thought about it.

Okay.

Um, I ran out of ibuprofen, so I'm gonna...

The old fish hook, yeah, I'm gonna go for the IUD.

Okay. - Okay.

We don't, we're not gonna do that now, but I-

No, I know, I know that.

So I was just...

I was just chilling out for a second.

I got a big day ahead of me at the office.

Whassup?!

Oh hey.

Remember?

Yeah, it's a deep cut, babe, mm-hm.

Ah. - Ah, okay.

Well, thank you for coming in.

Yeah, of course, what's up?

Uh, 'sup.

Okay, um, I have a question for you.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, If you thought I was hiding something from you,

what would you do?

Eat my feelings, make a Spotify playlist about you.

Right? - Yeah.

This is what normal healthy adults do.

But my coworker thinks I should just ask directly.

Weird. - Yeah.

Could work, but.

Alright, well here goes.

Um, are you hiding something from me?

I feel like there's something going on.

Yeah, there is something.

Oh, I knew it.

I'm training to be a firefighter.

I'm sorry, what?

When you were up for that promotion,

I saw how passionate you were about following your dreams

and you inspired me.

So you dreamt of being a firefighter?

Yeah, ever since I was a kid.

I had no idea.

Babe, it is literally my Halloween costume every year.

My Halloween costume is always Austin Powers,

that doesn't mean I wanna be a spy.

Why didn't you tell me?

I am the oldest guy there, it's very intimidating.

I'm proud of you.

Also, you know, I've always had kind of a thing

for firefighters.

Oh, I know.

Another reason why it's always my Halloween costume.

Mm, does that mean you have a thing for Austin Powers?

No, no, not at all. No, I don't like it.

Does it make you feel sexually excited, baby?

Do you want to allow me

to touch your bathing suit areas, baby?

God, I'm gonna call HR.

Kris, your fight with Julie ends now.

Stop whatever you're doing.

I just got us the perfect celebrity guest

for "Glow Up with Kris".

You know, their only time is now, right?

So please come to the office immediately, all right?

Evan, about the Chelsey episode,

I was wondering if we could-

Before you say whatever you're gonna say,

I just got us Peaches.

Peaches?

Peaches. - Peaches?!

I feel like I'm speaking another language.

Musician, queer feminist icon,

performance artist, rock god Peaches?!

Mmhmm. - I love her!

Her song, "Fuck The Pain Away,"

first song I played at my wedding.

What? Okay, I have a problem,

Kris isn't here.

I don't know where to find her

and-and Peaches could come in at any minute.

So can you do the interview?

Ah! Yes! Oh my God!

Yes, yes, yes!

I've always wanted to interview Peaches.

Thank you. Yeah, yeah! - Okay.

Oh my God, I, I just totally hugged you.

No, I'm-

Inappropriate for the office.

Yeah, so I won't-

It was weird.

Ugh!

eat quirky rock music]

It's a totally different place.

Yeah, yeah.

Transformed for sure.

Hello, Peaches! - Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Hi, hi. - Oh my God, um...

I'm Kris from "Glow Up with Kris".

'Cause that's the title of the show

and I am the host of that show.

I just need to speak to my colleague for just a second.

Okay.

You're beautiful and you're here, oh my god, okay.

All good.

I am doing this interview.

I am not going anywhere.

Yes, you are. - Nope, I'm not.

Just one second.

This is the interviewing chair.

Okay, oh my God!

We have talked about you putting your ass on me.

Honey, if you don't want my ass on your ass,

then you gotta move your ass.

How can my ass be on your ass when my ass is on the chair?

Potato, patato, you are embarrassing us!

That is not how- - That is not how-

potato, patato works! - potato, patato works!

You are embarrassing-

Hey, hey, listen, I love a good ass talk...

Mm-hmm.

But what the fuck is going on?

I'm interviewing you. - I'm interviewing you.

I'm confused, what do I do?

Just keep recording.

I really don't wanna fight with you.

I am so exhausted from fighting with my body all the time.

I don't have the energy for this.

I wanna fight with you. - What?

Because then I don't have to focus

on the fact that I'm losing the fight with my doctors

and I think I'm losing my daughter.

And I'm so sorry,

this wasn't supposed to happen.

And I, um, I feel like a real loser.

You're not a loser, I'm not a loser.

Peaches, you are definitely not a loser.

We're not losers.

I think we could use some teaches, Peaches.

Okay, I got some teaches.

Yes. - Yes.

It's either perimenopause or menopause.

No, I just, I can't accept that

because the doctor doesn't say that any of my symptoms

are perimenopause.

And everything you hear about menopause is so absolutely crap.

Why would you ever admit that you're in it?

Menopause.

- And perimenopause. - Okay, Julie.

I love you, you're amazing, I'm in perimenopause, okay?

I admit it, there, I just said it.

Menopause is hard.

But there's a strength going through it.

And now you make a choice.

And the choice I've made is to not give a fuck!

I would love not to give a fuck.

That's basically where my trouble is.

I've got no libido and when I do have sex,

it feels like razor blades.

And honestly, ah, I could give up the P in V sex,

but I'm not sure that my husband Pete can.

I'm worried that if I cannot fix this thing,

I am gonna do some damage to my marriage.

But have you told him?

No, she can't talk about it with him.

It's not like you're talking to your kid about your thing.

It's not the same thing, my thing's scary.

It's just lots of like bleeding

and there's doctor's appointments

and there's fainting,

and, and she's just a kid.

And I don't have anyone to talk to at home.

And just she's, I'm alone, Julie.

Okay, gimme your hand, gimme your hand, you too.

And two of you take hands.

Julie, look at each other.

You have each other, look at each other.

Okay.

This is what we need. This is our strength!

This is our strength!

Yes Peaches!

Say it in the mic.

This is our strength!

♪ Tear it up, rip it up, kick it up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Tear it up, rip it up, kick it up ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Tear it up, rip it up, kick ♪

We're so lucky that you're here.

When you share, you help carry the burden.

And to be honest with you,

this is one of the best times of my life.

My creative output is off the hook.

Finally, something positive about menopause.

I like panthers.

Okay.

Mo, I had the most incredible conversation with Peaches.

I'm gonna tell you all about it

over that hot cheese platter.

Kris, I can't.

No problem, how are you with Thai fusion?

No, I mean us, I, I can't do this.

My job is to keep office romance above board

and what's the look if I'm in one that's not above board?

If this continues, I'd have to write myself up,

and possibly fire myself, I guess.

Yeah, so you wanna keep it like above board?

Yes, we can tell everybody.

I think they're gonna be really happy for us.

No, I'm sorry, Kris.

Oh.

You know everything about me.

I know, I'm HR.

I mean like you know the real me and you don't want me.

♪

Mm, you should wear the fireman hat more often, ah.

You told your entire podcast audience

that you do not wanna have sex with me?

What?

What are you talking about?

Got no libido and when I do have sex,

it feels like razor blades and I'm really worried...

What?

No, all the personal stuff was supposed to be cut.

You talked about our sex like with Peaches.

Pete, I-

Why wouldn't you tell me that sex is painful?

I feel awful right now.

Well, it doesn't hurt all the time.

How was last night?

It was fine.

Wow. Good.

I don't mean it like that. I mean, it was more than fine.

It was great, actually.

I don't know if it was the hat or the suspenders,

but it, everything worked like it should, maybe I'm fixed.

I just don't understand

why you would keep this from me, why?

Oh shit!

I told everyone at the firehouse to listen to the podcast.

Pete, I have no idea what happened.

I don't wanna talk right now, not to you.

Pete! Ugh!

This is all your fault.

It's not like you're talking to your kid about your stuff.

My stuff is different, okay?

It's scary, it's about bleeding and passing out and doctors

and she's just a little kid.

I don't have anyone,

I don't have anyone to talk to at home.

It just, she's...

I'm alone, Julie.

♪ Poetry is no place for a heart that's a whore

♪ And I'm young and I'm strong

♪ But I feel old and tired, overfired

♪ And I've been poked and stoked

♪ It's all smoke, there's no more fire

♪ For you, whoever you are ♪

♪ For you, whoever you are ♪