Original subtitles

♪

Hey, you wanna do some stuff?

We've got some serious air miles here.

Bahamas.

Ooh.

Oh my God.

Actually, no, I need my Good Timez folder.

Somebody in this room is gonna have a really good old time.

Yes! You like that?

You want some more? Yeah!

Oh! Ow.

♪ I feel it, I feel it, I feel it ♪

Back in!

♪

♪ You and your body

♪ Every single portion

♪ Send chills up and down your spine

♪ Juices flowin' down your thigh

♪ If you're horny

♪ Let's do it

♪ Ride it,

♪ My pony

♪ My saddle's waitin'

♪ Come and ♪

Hey, mind if I come in?

Okay, most people knock, but, um-

Can I just park my

kit-and-caboodle right there?

Your what? Your uh...

Well, actually, I don't have a place to put it

'cause I don't have an office

and I need my hands free to touch myself, stuff.

Ooh, I don't think that-

Don't worry. It doesn't make you feel uncomfortable

because you are my therapist.

HR, actually.

Well, there's an "H" and an "R" in therapy,

so basically you are my therapist.

Anyway, Mo, suddenly it's like Shazam!

All I can think about is sex.

It's new for me.

I could hump anything, Mo.

And I mean, like, anything.

Oh my God, look at the curve on that...

Oh my God, I'm so horny.

Oh God.

Okay Kris, I'm gonna have to ask you to go.

I have a lot of work to do.

No!

Please go.

I'm going. - Just go, please.

Yeah, I'm going. - Please go.

That's one big ball.

Evan, Kris and I choose the guests.

Yes, and I let you do that the first two times,

but the show needs sex appeal.

It just needs to be sexier, all right?

You've heard of Dr. Connors?

She writes a syndicated column, "The Doctor Is Into It."

Oh yeah, I read that book.

- I really like it. - Uh-huh.

Uh, Kris? - Yeah.

Let's put that down. - Okay.

Dr. Connors' new book is on The New York Times

Best Seller list.

It is huge that I got her.

She knows everything

about straight people sex.

Everything?

Okay, Evan.

We'll take your guest this time.

See? It's all I wanted,

just tit for tat.

I like sex.

I like it.

Do I need to throw a bucket of water on you?

What's going on?

I think a sex episode has potential

to reach a lot of women.

Oh my gosh, I agree.

Like some women are losing their mojo

and that is not acceptable.

And I think they would love some advice

on how to get that back.

Listen, I know women in their 40s who are so wildly horny

they may pass out, possibly die,

if they are not penetrated immediately.

I think that they could use professional help.

These women don't need professionals.

They just need dating apps.

What?

Here, see this guy here?

So he's like, "Hey, what's up?"

I'm like, "Not much. You?"

He's like, "Going to the gym."

And then I go in with a lowercase, "wow."

And then what?

Twenty minutes later I'm at the gym getting it done.

What if you don't have a gym membership?

I think we all need to be a little bit more open

about sex, you know?

That's how I am with my partners.

Partners. Plural?

Yeah, I'm poly.

Oh, wow. I think, you know, some women are finding it hard

to ramp themselves up for one person,

let alone a squad.

Oh, yeah, I get that even with the 'cule'.

The... - Polycule.

Oh.

Yeah, you know, it's the same ol', same ol', ah, boring.

You know, that's why you gotta mix things up a little bit,

do something different.

Yeah, you could try rope-play, role-play.

Ooh, voyeurism.

You're like, who's in there?

Or you can just go to a sex shop.

Hmm. Yeah, a sex shop.

Yeah, that's it.

That would be great research for the episode.

Yup. Yes.

A sex shop.

Oh my God, Julie.

I'm in dong heaven. - Okay.

I might pass out.

Well why don't you dive into that dong heaven

and I will research over here alone.

Okay, I'm blinded. You blinded me.

Do, do you serve water?

All you and all of me.

This is great.

And I like you and you like me.

Here we go.

You get a dong and you get a dong and you get a dong.

And you get a dong.

Nice to meet you.

I'm the gold at the end of a rainbow.

I'm gonna kiss you, I won't, I won't touch it.

I didn't touch them.

Dong da da dong da da da da da da dong.

Br-iiiing.

Dongs!

Hi. Are you looking for lube?

We have a lot of great options.

I'm just browsing.

I do not need lube.

Oh, you really cannot go wrong with anal beads.

Yes, I'm sure I could.

I can't even get the cord on my vacuum to retract.

Oh, you'll definitely need lube for that.

I prefer to browse solo.

Okay.

Oh my gosh.

Sharon, my best friend from the doctor's office.

Oh, please tell me that you're not calling

to cancel my appointment.

Not cancelling. Just moving.

Doctor Kent is out of office for a pharmaceutical luncheon.

How's next Wednesday?

Yeah, I mean, well I,

I guess I don't really have a choice.

Do I? Do I? I...

Yes, that would be great.

How you like me now, Michael?

Am I suddenly more promotable?

Ooh, look at me, I'm Michael.

I like marketing and failing upward.

Well, you know what, Michael?

Watch my shatter that glass ceiling with my lady dick.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew!

'Cause you know what Michael?

I don't give a fuck.

I got no fucks left to...

My fucks are finite.

I have a finite amount of fucks.

Kris, can I see you in the change room, please?

Julie?

I need your help.

Hello. Hello.

Absolutely no judgement at all.

I think you're fine, but how does that happen?

Okay, well, I-I-I tried to push it down

and that didn't work

and then I thought well, maybe if I pull it up.

That really didn't work and now I'm trapped.

Okay, it's fine. It's fine.

Why don't you turn around? You turn around.

Okay, here we go.

I get that. - Okay.

This is my husband. He's all right.

You'd hit that?

Is that a trick question,

'cause I'd hit anything right now.

I could have hit that last night,

but I didn't, so that's one F wasted.

I am running out of sexual road.

My gosh, Julie. - What?

Is that one of those symptoms of menopause?

Mm-hmm.

Oh my God. Kris!

Not now!

Oh my God! - Just get it off me!

Okay, but this guy is really relentless!

Okay, focus!

I am focused.

I am really focused.

This is very hard for me right now

because I'm kind of turned on.

I'm just gonna sit here for a second.

So your total today is $1,200.

Do you have a, uh, payment plan?

No.

Good. What can I get for this?

Oh, also a dime.

Oh my gosh. Good.

Perfect. Discreet.

It's subtle, vulnerable, like me.

Thank you. Amazing.

Just so you know, we do have a strict store policy.

You try it, you buy it.

Shiiitt.

Oh my God!

Okay, okay. It's okay. It's okay.

It'll be fine.

That's a UTI waiting to happen.

Ugh.

Oh my God.

What are ya doing?

Where, what are you doing?

What do you think?

Are you okay?

Pshht. Am I okay?

Well...

I just think that...

Could you help me set up a dating profile?

And by help, I mean do it for me.

Oh my God, gimme your phone. Yep, this is what I live for.

Oh, Oliver, hurry up. Your ride's here.

I can't find my new shin guards!

Oh, um-

They're in a bag on the table.

You're welcome.

I love you.

We are outta coffee.

I'm gonna run to the store. You want anything?

Actually, I was thinking that we could hang out here.

Maybe, um, do some stuff?

Oh yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Really? - Mm-hmm.

Okay. - Okay.

Come on. - Oh. Hmm.

Actually.

Oh, what are you doing?

I am exploring my finite fucks.

I have some plans for you.

Tell me all about them.

Oh, I'm going to in great detail.

- Oh, I , sorry. - Oh, no, what?

No, there's something poking me in the back.

Oh, okay. - Don't go anywhere.

Oh my God, look.

Oliver's shin guards.

- Oh no. - What?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, no, no!

Oh my God, Pete.

Pete, you have to get in the car

and you have to go and get Oliver right now!

What is going on?

There's no time to explain!

I just, I need you to get that bag back right now,

or we are gonna have to do some really high-level parenting

in about an hour!

Oh, wow.

I can't believe you're almost fifty.

You look good for your age.

Well, thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

You know what? Just, here.

- Like, I'm gonna. - Oh yeah.

Oh, that's good. Yeah.

That's supposed to be a sexy move.

We're gonna have sex.

To the floor. - Okay.

There, is that a splinter in there?

Uh....

You know what? Save that for later.

Oh, you look like a pirate.

Argh.

That's my hook.

There you go. Try again.

Oh, you're heavier than you look.

I think you're supposed to be around this area

is where you're gonna go.

Whoop, oh no, whoop! - I'm sorry.

What's going on?

You're like a gargoyle with better skincare.

Grab it while it's hot. Grab it while it's hot.

I'm gonna come right into that meat and two veg.

Get in here.

Okay, count me in Jet Man.

Three, two, one.

Aye aye!

Chips ahoy, mate.

No one wants to fuck a seagull, buddy.

Please God, not now.

What? - Nothing.

Let's play a game.

Cover your eyes. - I love games.

Oh good! I love games.

And you're great.

Okay, um, I need you to, you know, get off the bed.

Keep them covered. No peeking! Okay?

Yeah, and then you, and then you face the wall.

Go! Go, that's it, just-

This is hot.

Okay, no peeking, no peeking!

Pilot from the flight deck.

Where are you?

I'm coming to find ya.

Ah!

Did I just slip in?

Yeah.

Okay, uh, so when, uh, two people love each other...

although, yeah, to be honest,

you don't have to be in love with each other,

it's kind of a misogynistic construct-

Mom, oh my God.

Good note. Um, okay.

Um, sometimes people like to try new things

and-and that means toys.

Toys. - Just a fun little toy.

It's true. Listen to your mother, alright.

Lots of people like using toys.

You like using this?!

Sure.

It's no big deal, honestly.

You'll see that one...

Oh Lord, love a duck.

This is the fun little toy?

Why can you just be like everyone else's parents

and fight all the time?

Hey, listen,

you should be happy that your mother and I

are having sex, alright?

It is part of a healthy relationship.

Yeah, yeah, we have a lot of sexual road left ahead of us.

Yes. - And you know,

we're gonna drive it hard.

Oh, you know what? - Somebody kill me.

No, it's fine, it did the same thing in the shop.

Okay, I can't, is that the off switch or the speed?

It's the speed, 'cause it still on.

Well, it's hard to see.

Oli, can you get my reading glasses?

Oh my God, Mom, you're ruining my life!

Hmm.

Morning, Kris.

Morning!

How was your night?

Uh, yeah, it was um...

Well, I guess I can talk to you 'cause you're my therapist, so.

Uh, no, HR. - Like therapy.

Still HR.

Well...

I had my first date, uh, in eight years.

How'd that go?

He said I was brave because my teeth overlapped

and then I got my period out of nowhere.

But it wasn't just any period,

it was like 20 water balloons bursting all at once.

Except they weren't filled with water,

they were filled with blood,

but all different textures of blood.

It was kind of like, "What's that? Oh my God.

"Is that like a chicken's liver?

"Or is that just like a skipping rope and coffee grounds?"

Just like.

And then he slipped in it and then I cried at the sink.

So how do you think it went?

Sorry.

Hello?

We're gonna need to change your appointment again.

Dr. Kent is on vacation for two weeks.

How's two Fridays from now?

Uh, yes, I'm free, but I.

Have a good day.

So just to circle back: no second date?

No.

Huh.

Ah, aggressively insensitive,

but no, getting cancelled is hard, right?

Let's keep it out there for our Ball Pit, co-host Billy H.

Uh, moving on.

No!

Oh, okay. So we're not moving on?

Um, we are moving on.

We're moving right along.

And I just would like to say

that I find your passion for marketing so moving.

Thank you. Um, good.

What happened?

Our main focus today is our current marketing strategies

and how they meet up with...

I had awful sex last night, just awful.

And then he sent me this.

No!

Stopping you, Evan.

You're a machine.

Great. Just as I was saying.

What did you do to that guy's sheets?

Did you ever see the movie, "There Will Be Blood?"

Yeah. -Yeah.

Oh! - Yeah.

Oh God, I'm sorry.

Oh, if it makes you feel any better,

I had an awful night too.

Not only did my sex toy not turn me on,

it totally traumatized my family.

I didn't get any sleep,

I was up all night Googling.

Turns out, you were right.

Low libido is a symptom of menopause.

It's just, I don't have $400.

There's no way you should pay for that guy's sheets.

How much did you pay for your nail set,

your nails, your bikini wax,

your Uber over there?

To be fair, I'm full old-school down there

and totally proud.

But yeah, between my Spanx,

my k-tape and my nipple covers,

you know, I think he owes me.

Yes!

Yes. - So inspiring.

Feeling your work today.

- Our leader. Yeah. - Yeah!

Evan.

Evan!

You know what? I've been thinking.

We should just turn around.

I'm gonna write him an email.

We could go grab a donut. That would be great.

Nope. Nope - Let's do that, please.

Call him now. - Please.

No. - Oh my God.

Get your donuts afterwards. Call him now.

Oh God. I don't want to.

Are we gonna do this? - Yeah, you're gonna do it.

Oh my God. Here we are. We're doing it. Ah!

- Hello? - Hello?

Sexier.

Hello.

Hmm, throw it away.

Okay, no, we are not doing this.

Hi, uh, it's me Kris.

I'm here with the money for the sheets.

Be right down.

Okay.

Okay. Okay.

You got this. Be cool.

Stay angry. Get in there.

Actually, you know what?

He's the one that got right in here.

Nope, nope, nope, focus.

Except for that one time when I was like bah-

Focus! - Focus.

Okay, you know what? I need you to stay close though.

Stay within touching distance.

We might wanna hold hands.

Hmm, we're not gonna wanna hold hands.

We might. - No.

We might. - No.

Here he comes. Oh my gosh. Here he comes. Ah.

Hey. - Hi.

I-I just wanted to say to you that I don't appreciate

the way that you spoke to me the other night

saying that I was lucky, uh, that I could use my forehead

as an extra parking space.

He said that?

Do you know her?

No, I don't. That is just a woman who speaks too loud.

Listen, I really appreciate that

somehow you have managed to have twelve abs

and then you just have like a really nice package

that I would hop on my 10 speed

and drive to any city to pick up that package.

But no, I'm gonna focus.

And that is not why we are here.

No, uh, you're here to drop off some sheets or gimme my money?

Asshole.

Asshole. Listen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Do you have any idea how vulnerable it is

to put yourself out there and have sex

when you're my age and you have no idea

what your body's gonna do?

It's terrifying. - It is terrifying!

Seriously, who is that?

It doesn't matter. The point is you're a dick.

I mean, a dick with a nice dick,

but a dick nonetheless.

And I guess you just don't see women as real people.

And that's why you can tell me

that I have "knuckles like a T-Rex"

and still expect a blowjob.

And I have to learn not to hate myself that I did it.

Good evening, sir. Oh.

Yes, yes.

Oh, hey, Kris.

Yeah?

Could I still get the money or?

I will end you! - Oh, oh! I'm sor-

You little piece of shit. You better run!

Hey, um, Sharon?

This is Dr. Kent's office.

Would you mind if we moved your appointment again to possibly-

Sharon, I love you, I really do.

But I'm just, I'm learning how to stick up for myself

and I find it hard to function

when you keep changing the appointment.

Listen, I need to see a doctor.

So, if you could just pick a date

and if you could just stick with it,

I would really appreciate that.

And I still love you and I love your work.

Understood.

We will make it work from our end.

Thank you.

Yes! Yes!

I fucking did it.

I did it! I did it!

You did it!

Oh my God!

Oh your God, I mean-

I love you, Sharon!

Yeah, you told her you loved her.

I did. -But you got it.

I did it. Great, great. - Yeah.

I'm buying you a donut.

But you're terrible at that.

I'm having a little problem here

and I'm wondering if you could help me with it.

What?

Well, it seems that all of my pyjamas are in the wash

and so I'm going to have to sleep nude.

Oh no. - Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry, I just,

I think we need to talk.

Shit. - I know.

No, no, it's fair.

I was hoping to distract you.

Okay, it's like, I just want to understand,

that's the thing, right?

Because we agreed that there'd be no more butt-

we agreed there'd be no more butt stuff.

But then you go and get that thing and what am I supposed?

Yeah, no, no, I'm good. - Okay.

I just, lately it feels like you haven't been that into me.

No, it's not you, babe.

You are kind and sexy.

Come on, you're a smoke show.

Okay, then what is going on?

You know you can talk to me about anything, right?

Okay. Well.

I am not getting any younger,

and our sex life has always been fantastic.

And I worry that if that changed-

Hey, if this is about you turning fifty,

nothing about us is ever gonna change, alright?

I always, always want to do stuff with you.

As a matter of fact,

that pyjama problem you were talking about,

why don't I take a look?

Oh yeah. Oh, no, no, no.

Leave that in.

Leave it in? - Yeah, I think-

Oh my God, you do love your toys.

I do. Mm-hmm.

Did you change the wifi password-

- Oh my God! - Whoa!

It's 8:30, it should be safe for me to walk in here!

Ew!

Is it 8:30 already?

♪ Here we go

♪ And all of me and this is great

♪ And I like you and you like me

♪ You get a dong ♪

♪ And you get a dong And you get a dong ♪

♪ And you get a dong ♪

♪ Nice to meet you

♪ I'm like gold at the end of a rainbow

♪ I'm going to keep...

♪ I won't, I won't touch it, I didn't touch them

♪ Dong de-dong de-dong de-dong

♪ Briiiiing! ♪

♪ DONGS! ♪

♪ What do you mean? ♪

♪ I don't give a fuck! ♪

♪ Oh my God, Julie ♪

♪ Pew pew pew pew pew pew pew! ♪

♪ You get a dong ♪

♪ And you get a dong And you get a dong ♪

♪ And you get a dong ♪

♪ I'm in Dong heaven ♪