All language subtitles for Small.Achievable.Goals.S01E02.The.One.1080p.CBC.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-Kitsune_track3_[eng]

We only have one shot at this.

So, how do we turn your
TikToks into a podcast?

What I was thinking was-
- What I was thinking was-

Sorry, go ahead.

Okay. This show is about
the history, psychology-

Um, sorry, but the
show's about makeup.

The sociology of beauty.

Ugh!

Guess what I just died of?

- Boredom?
- Bingo!

Fine. Show me your mood board.

Yes!

I'm so excited.
Are you ready for this?

I wrote a little intro.
- Yep.

Count myself in in 1, 2, 3, 4.

♪ Tune in, turn up,
join the flow,

♪ It's a podcast
you wanna know.

♪ From beauty tips to
life's sweet tricks,

♪ it's all here with what?

♪ With Glow Up with Kris! ♪

Yay!

What is the show about?

I'm sorry, didn't
you hear the intro?

Oh, I most definitely did.

Uh, it is about makeup dupes,

chattin', guests,
sharing stories,

making people feel good,
and pow-pow, rainbows.

That's not a show.

Uh, my one million
followers would disagree.

Those were one minute TikToks.

This is a 30 minute podcast.

Big difference.

I know how to tell time.

Who are you thinking
of for guests?

Basically anyone.

I just go out into the
world and I raw dog it,

and I feel vibes.

You're going to raw
dog the world for vibes?

I can't believe Evan only gave
Julie and Kris one episode.

I know, it's so much pressure.

I just don't think
they can do it.

I mean, we got ten.

And Evan wasn't even
the one in charge then.

Plus Kris has no experience.

You know, she's not really-

Smart. I mean, she's
only done TikToks.

Poor Julie. They're
going to get fired for sure.

♪ I feel it all,
I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it all ♪

Hi, I'm sorry.

Listen, I still
don't know

what we're presenting.

Oh, I do.

Uh, I've made a
lot of podcasts.

Just trust me and
follow my lead.

Okay. Hello, everyone.

Your new leader
is here.

Let's kick off
this meeting.

Hi.

Let's start with the
rundown for today.

Well-
- No, no, no.

We're not starting
with you.

We're going into
alphabetical order.

Chelsey?

We're going to be
focusing on crimes

committed
during tornadoes.

We got a sponsorship from
a big insurance company.

Love it. Jamila?

Recording booths
two, three and four

are booked.

And?

And recording booths
two, three and four

are booked.

That's good.

Larry?

Uh, the hesitation filter
that I ordered is a dream.

What is a hesitation filter?

Nobody.
- Oh no.

No, no, no, we don't
need to hear that.

No, I would love to know.

Julie and Kris?

Today we are recording our
pilot for Glow Up with Kris.

Our weekly guest

will talk about
their latest project

while Kris asks
insightful questions-

Mm-hmm, insightful questions.

And applies her makeup magic.

Our first guest
is Dela Richards.

Dela Richards!

Wow, the Ice Queen.

Only dates NBA players,

never likes to dish
on her love life.

Think you can melt
that iceberg?

Think we can melt
that iceberg?

I'm not melting anything.

We're going to have an
educated discussion

on her new book,

"The Red Stain:

"A Feminist History
of Lipstick."

Sounds very,
um, 'Julie'.

Kris.
- Yeah?

What do you think?

You cool with that?

You think that'll
hit our quadrants?

Yeah. Smart questions.

I like it.

Well, also I like
what Julie's saying.

I think we
should do that.

Well, don't blow it

'cause you only get one.

And Kris, you'll get
a fresh young co-host.

Okay, Kris,

you've got my list of
questions right there.

And for this rehearsal,

Chelsey's going to
sub in for Dela.

Oh, that's okay,
I probably,

you can go now.

I'm gonna talk
to the chair.

Okay, Kris, we've
talked to the chair

a lot this week.

I think it's time to do
it with a human being.

Is this going to take long?

No.

How did the rise of fascism
in the Second World War

affect the demand
for.

Oh God.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Okay, and cut.

We're not cutting,
you know why?

This isn't a TV show,
this is a podcast.

This is what we're
making over here.

I know what I'm doing.

You've made loads,
this is my first,

but it's gonna be okay.
Everyone's gonna love it.

Can we, we're gonna go again.

Count me in, Julie, again.
One, two...

Actually, I'll
count myself in.

One, two, I'm gonna go-

What we're gonna do

is we're just gonna start
from the top again, okay?

Here we go.

Welcome to Glow
Up With Chelsey.

That's you,
that's not me.

And you're not Dela.

But again, it's not her show,
it's my show.

I know who I am.

My name is Kris. Shit.

Just one second.

I'm just, I need ibuprofen.

Jesus.

Don't worry,

the de-esser is gonna
clean that audio right up.

It's not the
audio I'm worried about.

Oh. One minute.

This episode is
going to be great.

Yeah, it is.

I'm sorry about what
happened in there.

It has to be because
we only have one.

That's right. Yes.
One. One smart show.

Exactly. Exactly.

And we are gonna nail it
because we are awesome.

Terrified. Awesome.

Ahh.

Are you okay?
- Yeah.

'Cause it seems like
you have cramps.

No, I don't.

Okay, good.

Because you gotta be great
because we've only got the-

One.
- Yeah. Oh, okay. Alright.

Jamila, when I
walk like this...

what does it mean?

Kris has cramps.

I don't have cramps 'cause look,
I can do this.

Mm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Yeah, uh, well, you were
bleeding last week

like it was your job.

Did you make that
doctor's appointment?

Yeeesss, I did make that
doctor's appointment.

Small achievable goal achieved.

'Cause I would never
let my bodily functions

get in the way of my career,
like a professional.

Yeah, me either.
But then again,

I'm most comfortable
living from here to here.

So is that secret
to your success?

That and a good blazer.

Okay, so if it's
not the cramps,

which you clearly have,

must be nerves.

Don't be nervous.
You got this.

Yeah, 'cause you've got it.

I got this.

So trust me and
do what I say,

and you'll have it too.

Why don't you practice
these questions on someone

that is not Chelsey.

Great! This is good!

I'm gonna practice
these questions

and then I'm...

I'm gonna wear
Julie's blazer.

That's it. Oh, look at me.
Who are you?

Oh, I'm Julie.
And I've got it.

And I'm not nervous.

Look, woohoo, I'm all calm.

I'm calm and wound
up just like Julie.

I'm gonna, oh my God,

I'm gonna make a
doctor's appointment.

I'm gonna call
my friend Sharon.

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Here we go.

Thank you for calling the
offices of Doctor Kent,

Doctor Nabler, Doctor Serden,

Doctor Chu, Doctor Nadeem-

Oh my God for the
love of the Lord.

If this is a
medical emergency,

please hang up and
dial 911 immediately.

Ooh, Julie,

I just want you to
know that I am here

for any emotional reaction
you are about to have.

What are you talking about?

Evan asked me to
clear out the storage

of all your
Big Important Ideas merch.

What?!

He said that he needed somewhere
to park his electric unicycle?

Yeah, stunned silence

is the appropriate reaction
to that information.

Just so you know,

my merch isn't going anywhere.

To better assist you,

please listen to the
following options.

Say 'One' to schedule
an appointment.

One.

Say 'Two' to get a
prescription refill.

One.

Say 'Three'-

I said one, one, one, one!

I said it. I said one, one.

Please say the
appropriate number.

I... One!
- Or stay on the line.

Oh my G... One!

No, OOOONNNNEEEEE!!!!

Uh, one!

Time is important to us.

You are 57th in line.

Oh, hi, I'm Julie.

I only live from
here to here.

I have no feelings
and my hair is...

I didn't say, ugh!

Hi. What? Yes.
Oh, how are you?

Doesn't matter.
I don't care about people.

Hi. Are you doing okay?

Can I try out a few
questions on you?

Would you mind? Is that okay?

Do I have a choice?
- Not really.

Okay, here it goes.

In ancient times,
lipstick was made from-

I'm gonna stop
you right there.

'Cause you're bored, right?

Can you tell?

Yeah. It's, it's these
questions, it really is.

What Julie doesn't understand

is that you just have to sort
of like vibe with people.

You gotta go out
into the world.

You gotta raw dog it.

"Raw dog" doesn't mean
what you think it does.

If you want
people to open up,

you gotta share a little
bit about yourself.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna show
you exactly what I mean.

You're gonna like this, okay?

Hi. How, I'm like,
like eye contact with you.

How are you?

Sometimes I'll hold
their hand like, no?

That's not something
you wanna do? Okay.

My daughter is the same
age I was when my mom died.

and my mom used to
keep this mason jar

and she'd fill it with coins,
mostly quarters,

a couple of nickels.

She was saving for
like a nose job,

which is probably why
I'm so looks-focused.

I mean, put a lot
of focus into that.

Look at this. Bam!

What in the white lady
madness is going on here?

Sharing. Oh!

Okay.

Uh, do you understand why, um,

that made Jamila
feel uncomfortable?

Yeah, but I-I was
just trying to show her

how I connect with people.

You see, I'm trying to
mold myself into Julie

and it's just,
it's not working.

Oh my God, I really
gotta nail this episode.

If I don't do
what Julie wants,

she could lose her job.

And then I'm what
everybody thinks I am,

some dumb woman who worked
at Dominion Drug Mart.

No. You... you seem

like a nice person.

Oh wait, what's that?

What?

And where's that go? Oh.

Wow.

Magique. HR is just
kind of my day job.

I'm a magician.
Magic Mo by night.

- That's cool. Yeah.
- So.

What is that sound?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I-I'm just on hold for
a doctor's appointment.

I mean, no, I'm not,
it's not anything.

This is a safe space

Really?

Um... um...

Mo, my-my period
cramps are really bad,

but I can't let
it affect my job.

You see, women just have to keep
working like nothing's wrong.

I mean, can you imagine working
on an Excel spreadsheet all day

while someone's
punching you in the balls?

So say that your balls
are here in my hand,

both of them, plump,
looking all right.

And then just a hammer. Bam!

Squishy, squishy,
squishy, squishy.

And then if you took your
penis and you laid that out

and a rolling pin went.

Okay, okay. No, I, uh,

I don't want to imagine that,
but thank you.

Lemme tell you what
Evan just did.

Uh, uh, uh.

How long have we
known each other?

Ten years.

Okay, so then you
know I don't gossip

and I don't do
emotional conversations.

Well, I mean, I feel like
you do gossip, sometimes.

I rationally
discuss human nature.

Completely different thing.

Remember the BBQ Brothers?

Yeah, that was that
cooking podcast,

got cancelled a
few years ago?

Guess who had to deal
with all of their merch?

Cases and cases of
expired secret sauce.

To this day, the smell of
ranch still makes me gag.

And ranch was my
favourite condiment.

My merch is just, you know,
t-shirts and totes.

Nothing to make you gag.

All merch gets cleared out
after a show gets cancelled.

I like Big Important Ideas,
but it is the end of an era.

What do you mean?

You have to have noticed

that we are the two oldest
women working here.

Everyone's saying things.

What things?

I know this may come
as a surprise to you,

but I am no spring chicken,

so I am thinking about
my exit strategy,

and so should you,

in case your thing with
Kris goes sideways.

And girl, it is leaning already.

Are people saying that
Glow Up with Kris won't work?

Because this is not
how my career ends.

I'm gonna make this work, okay?

Oh, Dela is waiting for
you at the cafe. Here.

No way.

You need it.

You are shinier than a slip
and slide on a hot summer day.

Take it.

Hmm?

Yeah, that is better.
- Yeah.

♪

Dela!

Julie Muldoon.

Pleasure to meet you.

Ah, Big Important Ideas, right?

I never had a chance
to hear the show.

Evan, I think that's
what his name was,

said it was cancelled.

Wow. You know, uh,
all for the best,

because with this new show,
we get to interview you:

Professor, author-

Pulitzer prize winner.

Really? Wow!

How did I miss that?

It hasn't been announced yet.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Congratulations. It's, uh,
quite an accomplishment,

by the age of 30.

I'm 27. Ahem! Hello?

Why won't you look
me in the eyes?

Oh, I am so sorry.

I thought I saw my aunt,
but, uh, no, it's not her.

You look like
you've seen a ghost.

What? Oh no, um, no.

My aunt is, uh,
very much alive.

Her career is dead.

Um, she was a
foreign correspondent,

turned 55 and went
full space priestess.

Space priestess?

Oh, um, you know,
like, uh, caftans,

long sleeveless sweaters,

confusing chunky jewellery.

She never worked again.

You're afraid that's
gonna happen to you.

No.

Why would you say that?

Your show just got cancelled.

You seem obsessed by my
youth and accomplishments.

Are you having a
hot flash right now?

No, I'm not having a
hot flash right now.

I just, uh, just, um...

I'm making myself,
uh, more comfortable.

Talk about you and
your accomplishments.

♪ Let's go ♪

Your time is important to us.

You are third in line.

How did the use of
ceremonial lipstick-

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I just need
to give Kris a note.

Kris, you sound a little angry.

Could you try a lighter tone?

Of course. Sure. No problem.
Okay, here we go.

And, how did the
use of the ceremonial lipstick-

Not that light.

Oh, how did the
use of the ceremonial lipstick-

Not that heavy.
Uh, split the difference.

How
did the use of the-

Smoother.

How does
the ceremonial use of-

Crunchier.

Oh God, my career
does not end today.

My career does
not end today.

No!
- No.

I know.

Just Kris, throw it away

just make it sound like
you didn't throw it away.

Okay. You know what?
Why don't you throw it away?

I think you should
just take these-

Just throw it away.
You throw it away! Alright?

Yeah? That'd be great.

Thank you very much.

What the hell are you doing?

I am just trying to ask your
shitty, boring questions.

That is what is
going on here, okay?

I'm having a very hard time.

Oh, my questions
are the problem?

Yeah, I think so.

Guess what, Julie?

I am not Big Important Ideas.

Okay?

Oh, I'm well aware.

I am not smart.
- Ugh.

I know that.

And everybody here knows it.

And I cannot
rock a pantsuit,

I have slight scoliosis
and I have told you that

like three or four times.

And pants are stupid
and you're stupid!

And let me show you how
to rock a blazer, Julie!

It's just like this, okay?

There! Bang! Rocked it!

I literally have no idea
what you're talking about

90% of the time!

Just do what I say

so we can make more of
this stupid podcast.

My God, YOU ARE SO CONTROLLING!

Yeah? Well maybe you
need to be controlled!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS!

And I look amazing!

Check this out!

Pow! Pop! Yeah!

YOU ARE RAW DOGGING MY BLAZER!

Yeah. Get all up in there!

You know Dela left, right?

Shit.
- Oh shit!

Oh my God,
pull up your pants.

Just love your book.

Thanks.

Dela, sorry about that.

We had some technical
difficulties.

It seems like the only
difficulty you guys had

was focusing on me.

I am here to promote my book.

You need to get over yourself

and deal with your fear of
irrelevance and menopause.

How did-

I also have a PhD in psychiatry.

Hmm, of course you do.

Okay. Hey Dela, just
want you to know, um,

we are really sorry.

We got in our own way.

We just really wanted to
make the best first episode.

You're the thing that's
gonna make this podcast

absolutely amazing.

You're iconic.

You're like red lipstick.

At least consider coming back
and giving us another chance.

We would really appreciate it.

Well, I can understand that
kind of pressure, so...

Yeah, I'd be happy to come back.

- Really?
- Yes!

Thank you.

For sure.

That!

Do that in the interview.

What?

Vibes!

For your cramps.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

I'm scared.

I'm-I'm scared I'm gonna fail
at recording my first podcast.

Um...

I'm scared I'm
not smart enough.

Do you ever feel that way?

Like, do you ever
wake up terrified?

Yes.
- Yeah.

I mean, all I wanna
do is promote my book

and all anyone wants to know
about is my dating life.

I broke up with him,
by the way,

Obviously.
- Thank you.

I see you.

But, I mean,

either way I can't win
because I talk about it

and then everybody
knows my business,

or then I don't
and then I'm an-

Ice queen?

Yes.

You know what?

I think I can do
something for you.

We are going to warm
up this Frosty Monarch.

Okay.
- Yeah?

Sure.

I gotta be honest
with you though,

I'm super jealous.

I would love it if my
makeup morning routine

gave me ice queen vibes.

Oh.
- That is like so mysterious.

Wait, you don't think
you're mysterious?

Have you met me?

No.

Well, you know, it's believed

that the Etruscans used
period blood as a lipstick.

For real?
- Mm-hmm. I tried it.

You did?
- Absolutely.

I-I love you.

No, no, no. But I
forgot I had it on,

the UPS guy showed up,

so trust me he did not
think that I was mysterious.

Ugh. Absolutely not.
- Yeah. No, sorry.

Yeah, girl, you lost that one.

You're not mysterious.

I know.

Prepare to be amazed.

Don't blink, Kris,

this will happen fast.

Hello? Does that
appointment time work?

Sharon? Sharon?

Hello?

Hello? Sharon, do I-do I
have a doctor's appointment?

Please don't shout.

Does Wednesday the 16th
at three work for you?

If not, we have
availability next year.

No, next week works fine.

Thank you. Oh my gosh.

Thank you. Bye, Sharon.

Thank you. No?

Oh, hey. Oh.

Kris, hey!

Uh, I listened to, um, a very
unedited version of the podcast.

And?

It's good.

It's good. I have to,

I have to admit it's good.

And I think it'll
hit our quadrants.

So congratulations,

uh, Glow Up with Kris
is moving forward.

Good decision.

From me. Okay.

We got a podcast.

Yeah, we get to
make more episodes.

And you don't get a co-host.

About what happened earlier
when I had my pants down-

Oh listen, we both
said some things

and if this is gonna work it
has to be fifty-fifty, okay?

Now give me my blazer back.

Are you kidding me?
I am rocking this blazer.

I think my scoliosis
actually corrected itself.

Excuse me.

That's not how scoliosis works.

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you some sort of biologist?

No, I just have a broad
general knowledge.