Original subtitles

We only have one shot at this.

So, how do we turn your TikToks into a podcast?

What I was thinking was- - What I was thinking was-

Sorry, go ahead.

Okay. This show is about the history, psychology-

Um, sorry, but the show's about makeup.

The sociology of beauty.

Ugh!

Guess what I just died of?

- Boredom? - Bingo!

Fine. Show me your mood board.

Yes!

I'm so excited. Are you ready for this?

I wrote a little intro. - Yep.

Count myself in in 1, 2, 3, 4.

♪ Tune in, turn up, join the flow,

♪ It's a podcast you wanna know.

♪ From beauty tips to life's sweet tricks,

♪ it's all here with what?

♪ With Glow Up with Kris! ♪

Yay!

What is the show about?

I'm sorry, didn't you hear the intro?

Oh, I most definitely did.

Uh, it is about makeup dupes,

chattin', guests, sharing stories,

making people feel good, and pow-pow, rainbows.

That's not a show.

Uh, my one million followers would disagree.

Those were one minute TikToks.

This is a 30 minute podcast.

Big difference.

I know how to tell time.

Who are you thinking of for guests?

Basically anyone.

I just go out into the world and I raw dog it,

and I feel vibes.

You're going to raw dog the world for vibes?

I can't believe Evan only gave Julie and Kris one episode.

I know, it's so much pressure.

I just don't think they can do it.

I mean, we got ten.

And Evan wasn't even the one in charge then.

Plus Kris has no experience.

You know, she's not really-

Smart. I mean, she's only done TikToks.

Poor Julie. They're going to get fired for sure.

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

♪ I feel it all ♪

Hi, I'm sorry.

Listen, I still don't know

what we're presenting.

Oh, I do.

Uh, I've made a lot of podcasts.

Just trust me and follow my lead.

Okay. Hello, everyone.

Your new leader is here.

Let's kick off this meeting.

Hi.

Let's start with the rundown for today.

Well- - No, no, no.

We're not starting with you.

We're going into alphabetical order.

Chelsey?

We're going to be focusing on crimes

committed during tornadoes.

We got a sponsorship from a big insurance company.

Love it. Jamila?

Recording booths two, three and four

are booked.

And?

And recording booths two, three and four

are booked.

That's good.

Larry?

Uh, the hesitation filter that I ordered is a dream.

What is a hesitation filter?

Nobody. - Oh no.

No, no, no, we don't need to hear that.

No, I would love to know.

Julie and Kris?

Today we are recording our pilot for Glow Up with Kris.

Our weekly guest

will talk about their latest project

while Kris asks insightful questions-

Mm-hmm, insightful questions.

And applies her makeup magic.

Our first guest is Dela Richards.

Dela Richards!

Wow, the Ice Queen.

Only dates NBA players,

never likes to dish on her love life.

Think you can melt that iceberg?

Think we can melt that iceberg?

I'm not melting anything.

We're going to have an educated discussion

on her new book,

"The Red Stain:

"A Feminist History of Lipstick."

Sounds very, um, 'Julie'.

Kris. - Yeah?

What do you think?

You cool with that?

You think that'll hit our quadrants?

Yeah. Smart questions.

I like it.

Well, also I like what Julie's saying.

I think we should do that.

Well, don't blow it

'cause you only get one.

And Kris, you'll get a fresh young co-host.

Okay, Kris,

you've got my list of questions right there.

And for this rehearsal,

Chelsey's going to sub in for Dela.

Oh, that's okay, I probably,

you can go now.

I'm gonna talk to the chair.

Okay, Kris, we've talked to the chair

a lot this week.

I think it's time to do it with a human being.

Is this going to take long?

No.

How did the rise of fascism in the Second World War

affect the demand for.

Oh God.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry. Okay, and cut.

We're not cutting, you know why?

This isn't a TV show, this is a podcast.

This is what we're making over here.

I know what I'm doing.

You've made loads, this is my first,

but it's gonna be okay. Everyone's gonna love it.

Can we, we're gonna go again.

Count me in, Julie, again. One, two...

Actually, I'll count myself in.

One, two, I'm gonna go-

What we're gonna do

is we're just gonna start from the top again, okay?

Here we go.

Welcome to Glow Up With Chelsey.

That's you, that's not me.

And you're not Dela.

But again, it's not her show, it's my show.

I know who I am.

My name is Kris. Shit.

Just one second.

I'm just, I need ibuprofen.

Jesus.

Don't worry,

the de-esser is gonna clean that audio right up.

It's not the audio I'm worried about.

Oh. One minute.

This episode is going to be great.

Yeah, it is.

I'm sorry about what happened in there.

It has to be because we only have one.

That's right. Yes. One. One smart show.

Exactly. Exactly.

And we are gonna nail it because we are awesome.

Terrified. Awesome.

Ahh.

Are you okay? - Yeah.

'Cause it seems like you have cramps.

No, I don't.

Okay, good.

Because you gotta be great because we've only got the-

One. - Yeah. Oh, okay. Alright.

Jamila, when I walk like this...

what does it mean?

Kris has cramps.

I don't have cramps 'cause look, I can do this.

Mm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.

Yeah, uh, well, you were bleeding last week

like it was your job.

Did you make that doctor's appointment?

Yeeesss, I did make that doctor's appointment.

Small achievable goal achieved.

'Cause I would never let my bodily functions

get in the way of my career, like a professional.

Yeah, me either. But then again,

I'm most comfortable living from here to here.

So is that secret to your success?

That and a good blazer.

Okay, so if it's not the cramps,

which you clearly have,

must be nerves.

Don't be nervous. You got this.

Yeah, 'cause you've got it.

I got this.

So trust me and do what I say,

and you'll have it too.

Why don't you practice these questions on someone

that is not Chelsey.

Great! This is good!

I'm gonna practice these questions

and then I'm...

I'm gonna wear Julie's blazer.

That's it. Oh, look at me. Who are you?

Oh, I'm Julie. And I've got it.

And I'm not nervous.

Look, woohoo, I'm all calm.

I'm calm and wound up just like Julie.

I'm gonna, oh my God,

I'm gonna make a doctor's appointment.

I'm gonna call my friend Sharon.

Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

Here we go.

Thank you for calling the offices of Doctor Kent,

Doctor Nabler, Doctor Serden,

Doctor Chu, Doctor Nadeem-

Oh my God for the love of the Lord.

If this is a medical emergency,

please hang up and dial 911 immediately.

Ooh, Julie,

I just want you to know that I am here

for any emotional reaction you are about to have.

What are you talking about?

Evan asked me to clear out the storage

of all your Big Important Ideas merch.

What?!

He said that he needed somewhere to park his electric unicycle?

Yeah, stunned silence

is the appropriate reaction to that information.

Just so you know,

my merch isn't going anywhere.

To better assist you,

please listen to the following options.

Say 'One' to schedule an appointment.

One.

Say 'Two' to get a prescription refill.

One.

Say 'Three'-

I said one, one, one, one!

I said it. I said one, one.

Please say the appropriate number.

I... One! - Or stay on the line.

Oh my G... One!

No, OOOONNNNEEEEE!!!!

Uh, one!

Time is important to us.

You are 57th in line.

Oh, hi, I'm Julie.

I only live from here to here.

I have no feelings and my hair is...

I didn't say, ugh!

Hi. What? Yes. Oh, how are you?

Doesn't matter. I don't care about people.

Hi. Are you doing okay?

Can I try out a few questions on you?

Would you mind? Is that okay?

Do I have a choice? - Not really.

Okay, here it goes.

In ancient times, lipstick was made from-

I'm gonna stop you right there.

'Cause you're bored, right?

Can you tell?

Yeah. It's, it's these questions, it really is.

What Julie doesn't understand

is that you just have to sort of like vibe with people.

You gotta go out into the world.

You gotta raw dog it.

"Raw dog" doesn't mean what you think it does.

If you want people to open up,

you gotta share a little bit about yourself.

Oh yeah, I'm gonna show you exactly what I mean.

You're gonna like this, okay?

Hi. How, I'm like, like eye contact with you.

How are you?

Sometimes I'll hold their hand like, no?

That's not something you wanna do? Okay.

My daughter is the same age I was when my mom died.

and my mom used to keep this mason jar

and she'd fill it with coins, mostly quarters,

a couple of nickels.

She was saving for like a nose job,

which is probably why I'm so looks-focused.

I mean, put a lot of focus into that.

Look at this. Bam!

What in the white lady madness is going on here?

Sharing. Oh!

Okay.

Uh, do you understand why, um,

that made Jamila feel uncomfortable?

Yeah, but I-I was just trying to show her

how I connect with people.

You see, I'm trying to mold myself into Julie

and it's just, it's not working.

Oh my God, I really gotta nail this episode.

If I don't do what Julie wants,

she could lose her job.

And then I'm what everybody thinks I am,

some dumb woman who worked at Dominion Drug Mart.

No. You... you seem

like a nice person.

Oh wait, what's that?

What?

And where's that go? Oh.

Wow.

Magique. HR is just kind of my day job.

I'm a magician. Magic Mo by night.

- That's cool. Yeah. - So.

What is that sound?

Oh, I'm so sorry. Yeah.

I-I'm just on hold for a doctor's appointment.

I mean, no, I'm not, it's not anything.

This is a safe space

Really?

Um... um...

Mo, my-my period cramps are really bad,

but I can't let it affect my job.

You see, women just have to keep working like nothing's wrong.

I mean, can you imagine working on an Excel spreadsheet all day

while someone's punching you in the balls?

So say that your balls are here in my hand,

both of them, plump, looking all right.

And then just a hammer. Bam!

Squishy, squishy, squishy, squishy.

And then if you took your penis and you laid that out

and a rolling pin went.

Okay, okay. No, I, uh,

I don't want to imagine that, but thank you.

Lemme tell you what Evan just did.

Uh, uh, uh.

How long have we known each other?

Ten years.

Okay, so then you know I don't gossip

and I don't do emotional conversations.

Well, I mean, I feel like you do gossip, sometimes.

I rationally discuss human nature.

Completely different thing.

Remember the BBQ Brothers?

Yeah, that was that cooking podcast,

got cancelled a few years ago?

Guess who had to deal with all of their merch?

Cases and cases of expired secret sauce.

To this day, the smell of ranch still makes me gag.

And ranch was my favourite condiment.

My merch is just, you know, t-shirts and totes.

Nothing to make you gag.

All merch gets cleared out after a show gets cancelled.

I like Big Important Ideas, but it is the end of an era.

What do you mean?

You have to have noticed

that we are the two oldest women working here.

Everyone's saying things.

What things?

I know this may come as a surprise to you,

but I am no spring chicken,

so I am thinking about my exit strategy,

and so should you,

in case your thing with Kris goes sideways.

And girl, it is leaning already.

Are people saying that Glow Up with Kris won't work?

Because this is not how my career ends.

I'm gonna make this work, okay?

Oh, Dela is waiting for you at the cafe. Here.

No way.

You need it.

You are shinier than a slip and slide on a hot summer day.

Take it.

Hmm?

Yeah, that is better. - Yeah.

♪

Dela!

Julie Muldoon.

Pleasure to meet you.

Ah, Big Important Ideas, right?

I never had a chance to hear the show.

Evan, I think that's what his name was,

said it was cancelled.

Wow. You know, uh, all for the best,

because with this new show, we get to interview you:

Professor, author-

Pulitzer prize winner.

Really? Wow!

How did I miss that?

It hasn't been announced yet.

Oh, well, congratulations.

Congratulations. It's, uh, quite an accomplishment,

by the age of 30.

I'm 27. Ahem! Hello?

Why won't you look me in the eyes?

Oh, I am so sorry.

I thought I saw my aunt, but, uh, no, it's not her.

You look like you've seen a ghost.

What? Oh no, um, no.

My aunt is, uh, very much alive.

Her career is dead.

Um, she was a foreign correspondent,

turned 55 and went full space priestess.

Space priestess?

Oh, um, you know, like, uh, caftans,

long sleeveless sweaters,

confusing chunky jewellery.

She never worked again.

You're afraid that's gonna happen to you.

No.

Why would you say that?

Your show just got cancelled.

You seem obsessed by my youth and accomplishments.

Are you having a hot flash right now?

No, I'm not having a hot flash right now.

I just, uh, just, um...

I'm making myself, uh, more comfortable.

Talk about you and your accomplishments.

♪ Let's go ♪

Your time is important to us.

You are third in line.

How did the use of ceremonial lipstick-

I'm sorry.

Yeah, I just need to give Kris a note.

Kris, you sound a little angry.

Could you try a lighter tone?

Of course. Sure. No problem. Okay, here we go.

And, how did the use of the ceremonial lipstick-

Not that light.

Oh, how did the use of the ceremonial lipstick-

Not that heavy. Uh, split the difference.

How did the use of the-

Smoother.

How does the ceremonial use of-

Crunchier.

Oh God, my career does not end today.

My career does not end today.

No! - No.

I know.

Just Kris, throw it away

just make it sound like you didn't throw it away.

Okay. You know what? Why don't you throw it away?

I think you should just take these-

Just throw it away. You throw it away! Alright?

Yeah? That'd be great.

Thank you very much.

What the hell are you doing?

I am just trying to ask your shitty, boring questions.

That is what is going on here, okay?

I'm having a very hard time.

Oh, my questions are the problem?

Yeah, I think so.

Guess what, Julie?

I am not Big Important Ideas.

Okay?

Oh, I'm well aware.

I am not smart. - Ugh.

I know that.

And everybody here knows it.

And I cannot rock a pantsuit,

I have slight scoliosis and I have told you that

like three or four times.

And pants are stupid and you're stupid!

And let me show you how to rock a blazer, Julie!

It's just like this, okay?

There! Bang! Rocked it!

I literally have no idea what you're talking about

90% of the time!

Just do what I say

so we can make more of this stupid podcast.

My God, YOU ARE SO CONTROLLING!

Yeah? Well maybe you need to be controlled!

YOU'RE NOT EVEN WEARING PANTS!

And I look amazing!

Check this out!

Pow! Pop! Yeah!

YOU ARE RAW DOGGING MY BLAZER!

Yeah. Get all up in there!

You know Dela left, right?

Shit. - Oh shit!

Oh my God, pull up your pants.

Just love your book.

Thanks.

Dela, sorry about that.

We had some technical difficulties.

It seems like the only difficulty you guys had

was focusing on me.

I am here to promote my book.

You need to get over yourself

and deal with your fear of irrelevance and menopause.

How did-

I also have a PhD in psychiatry.

Hmm, of course you do.

Okay. Hey Dela, just want you to know, um,

we are really sorry.

We got in our own way.

We just really wanted to make the best first episode.

You're the thing that's gonna make this podcast

absolutely amazing.

You're iconic.

You're like red lipstick.

At least consider coming back and giving us another chance.

We would really appreciate it.

Well, I can understand that kind of pressure, so...

Yeah, I'd be happy to come back.

- Really? - Yes!

Thank you.

For sure.

That!

Do that in the interview.

What?

Vibes!

For your cramps.

- Thank you. - Okay.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

I'm scared.

I'm-I'm scared I'm gonna fail at recording my first podcast.

Um...

I'm scared I'm not smart enough.

Do you ever feel that way?

Like, do you ever wake up terrified?

Yes. - Yeah.

I mean, all I wanna do is promote my book

and all anyone wants to know about is my dating life.

I broke up with him, by the way,

Obviously. - Thank you.

I see you.

But, I mean,

either way I can't win because I talk about it

and then everybody knows my business,

or then I don't and then I'm an-

Ice queen?

Yes.

You know what?

I think I can do something for you.

We are going to warm up this Frosty Monarch.

Okay. - Yeah?

Sure.

I gotta be honest with you though,

I'm super jealous.

I would love it if my makeup morning routine

gave me ice queen vibes.

Oh. - That is like so mysterious.

Wait, you don't think you're mysterious?

Have you met me?

No.

Well, you know, it's believed

that the Etruscans used period blood as a lipstick.

For real? - Mm-hmm. I tried it.

You did? - Absolutely.

I-I love you.

No, no, no. But I forgot I had it on,

the UPS guy showed up,

so trust me he did not think that I was mysterious.

Ugh. Absolutely not. - Yeah. No, sorry.

Yeah, girl, you lost that one.

You're not mysterious.

I know.

Prepare to be amazed.

Don't blink, Kris,

this will happen fast.

Hello? Does that appointment time work?

Sharon? Sharon?

Hello?

Hello? Sharon, do I-do I have a doctor's appointment?

Please don't shout.

Does Wednesday the 16th at three work for you?

If not, we have availability next year.

No, next week works fine.

Thank you. Oh my gosh.

Thank you. Bye, Sharon.

Thank you. No?

Oh, hey. Oh.

Kris, hey!

Uh, I listened to, um, a very unedited version of the podcast.

And?

It's good.

It's good. I have to,

I have to admit it's good.

And I think it'll hit our quadrants.

So congratulations,

uh, Glow Up with Kris is moving forward.

Good decision.

From me. Okay.

We got a podcast.

Yeah, we get to make more episodes.

And you don't get a co-host.

About what happened earlier when I had my pants down-

Oh listen, we both said some things

and if this is gonna work it has to be fifty-fifty, okay?

Now give me my blazer back.

Are you kidding me? I am rocking this blazer.

I think my scoliosis actually corrected itself.

Excuse me.

That's not how scoliosis works.

Oh, I'm so sorry. Are you some sort of biologist?

No, I just have a broad general knowledge.