Original subtitles

Oh, hi.

Love you.

Oh my God!

I'm sorry.

Julie Muldoon.

Hi, it's me. It's Kris,

♪ with a K ♪

Oh, Big Important Ideas fan.

Oh, hey! - Wait, wait, wait!

What are you doing?

Ah, new colleague hugs. That's what I'm doing.

Come here.

You work here? - I do now.

You probably know me from TikTok.

I do those makeup glow-ups.

Boop! You know the...

Do you know the? - I do not.

You know what? Hug me.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Not a hugger.

Personal space.

Look at me, I'm hugging myself.

Ooh, ooh, mm mm mm.

And oh, guess what?

Oh my god, honey, I can see your breast silhouette.

- Oh my gosh! - It's okay.

And it's a new shirt, you know,

and I overheated slightly.

Oh, okay. Yeah, that's, you know, I'm gonna just do it.

No, first day, I'm getting the door.

Here we go. Oh.

Um, no, you have, you have to pull.

No, I am, I'm pulling.

Okay. Nope. Pull.

No, no, that's what I'm doing, I'm pulling.

See, look. Pull, pull, pull, pull, pull.

I am pulling!

Pulls the other way.

I'm doing it, I'm doing it. - Okay, just move.

No, no, I'll do it!

Ow! - Oh!

Oh my God, are you okay?

I need you to hug me.

No. - Okay. That's fine.

Here, Julie, wait up. Let's go.

No.

Got it.

I got it with my butt.

♪ I feel it all, I feel it all ♪

♪ Eh! Eh! ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh! ♪

♪ I feel it all! ♪

I'm gonna introduce you

to some of the people you'll be working with.

They are amazing.

Okay.

Hey everybody.

This is Kris. - Yay!

She's the host of our new podcast,

Glow Up With Kris.

I discovered her on TikTok.

Ha. - You're welcome.

Thank you. - Ha ha.

Mmm. This is Chelsey.

She's the host of the "It Could Happen To You"

podcast.

I love your TikToks.

Blush for the blue collar bunch?

High five.

Oh my God, you're so kind.

Thank you so much. I love your podcast.

I love your hair. I love braids.

Your everything. Thank you. - Thank you.

That's Jamila, operations director.

Hello. Hi.

Robyn, producer of "It Could Happen To You."

Larry, sound.

And that is Mo. HR.

Oh, hi. Oh my God. I love HR.

I love it. Oh my God. HR. Yay.

Whoops. Okay.

Uh, we always consent to a hug here.

Ah, I'm a hugger though.

No, I'm sorry. Joking.

Office policy. Check!

Not going to do that, sorry.

Uh, yeah, I'm gonna...

Uh, you can't sit there.

Oh my gosh. Okay. I'm so sorry.

Uh, that's our boss's seat.

Yeah, but he's never in the office.

So don't sit in the chair that no one sits in.

Take my seat. That's fine.

Okay. Thanks. - Yeah.

Good morning, everyone.

Big day for some of us.

Let's get started, shall we?

I'll bring Michael in.

Good morning. Good morning.

I know you've all been waiting for this announcement,

and I think we can all agree,

that The Podcast Folx

was founded on Big Important Ideas.

We branched out to massive hits

like Man Planet, obviously,

and as the media landscape evolves,

so shall we.

And so, guiding us through this new, exciting chapter,

I am very pleased to announce

our new Managing Director, Evan Vandergrift.

Thank you, Michael.

Julie, if you could just...

pop a squat.

Ruining my moment.

Get down there, Julie.

Everyone, as your new Managing Director...

I got skipped.

I got fucking skipped again?

Julie, do you have something to say?

Oh, uh, no, no. - Good. Okay.

Actually, yeah, yeah, I do.

Excuse me.

Michael, I have known you for 25 years.

We came up together.

I wrote your business plan.

I put off having kids because you said you needed me here,

and then I had to have IVF to have Oliver.

And you skipped me YET AGAIN for this marketing major

who just makes dumb sports shows and crappy murder podcasts!

Hey!

Robyn, your podcast investigates the murders of girls

who look exactly like Chelsey.

It is deeply weird on a number of levels.

It's true, they do. Oh my God.

I'm triggered.

Chelsey, the breeze triggers you.

Harsh.

Like John Lennon said-

Larry, shut up about The Beatles.

Evan, if you sit in that chair,

I will wear your balls as a necklace.

Um, so in conclusion, congratulations Evan.

Pssst!

Okay. That happened.

How is everybody else?

I am so sorry about Julie.

Normally she's as dry as toast.

That's okay.

Uh, okay.

So Kris, what are we gonna do?

A podcast.

Yeah. - Yeah.

Yes we are.

But, you know, what are we really gonna do?

We're really gonna do it with really a podcast.

Walk me through how you see this going.

Oh, okay. Um, so I went viral

for my glow-ups on middle-aged women using beauty dupes.

So it's like me, everybody's best friend,

and I'm talking to other women,

and then they're gonna be my best friends-

Okay. Yeah, I got that part. - Okay.

But, you know, that only hits one quadrant, right?

When you talk about the podcast like that,

all I'm hearing is old.

In four months,

half your followers could be dead.

Yeah, you got a Dominion Drug Mart audience,

but we wanna get you a Sephora audience.

Good. That's, yeah. What does that mean?

It means, I'm gonna give your glow up show a glow up.

Ooh.

And we're gonna do that by...

drum roll please.

Oh, I do the drum roll. - Drum roll, yeah.

We're gonna do that by...

Yes?

Adding a younger co-host!

So are you suggesting I need a younger co-host

'cause you think I'll be dead in four months?

Do you have an issue supporting younger women, Kris?

No, my gosh, not at all. I, I love younger women.

I have one at home. I love her very much.

I hug her all the time, so, no- Right.

Oh My God, oh my God, oh my God. Not now.

I'm so sorry. Can we talk about this later?

If you have an issue advocating for younger women,

I can totally set you up with a meeting with HR,

because here at the Podcast Folx...

It's okay. It's okay. I'm okay.

Um, no need for HR.

I really love young women.

I, I think they're great. I think you're great.

This all sounds really wonderful

and I'm just gonna think about it. Can we,

and I'm gonna talk about it to you later.

Thank you very much. I'm just...

♪

You're just gonna go back in there

and you are gonna stick up for yourself, okay?

You're gonna say, Hey Evan,

you fool me once, shame on, shame on the sha-

Yo, you she fool me again,

and shame on fooling.

That's not how the quote goes.

Oh my God, Julie, thank God.

Listen, do you happen to have an extra pad or two or three?

I just need to get through the day.

Sure. - Yes. Thank you.

Hey.

How are you?

That was quite something in there.

I don't know what that was.

It was like my internal monologue

suddenly became external.

You know what?

I like that you don't care that people don't like you.

People like me!

Sorry, no pad.

You know what? It doesn't matter.

I am just going to MacGyver

an extra layer around these pads with some TP.

Just a safety layer.

Holy moly.

It's unpredictable.

It's a tsunami of blood.

You never know how long or how much.

You'd think at 44, my period would not surprise me anymore.

Surprise!

Sharon at the doctor's reception said it was normal.

She'd know. She's all right. She's nice. She'd know.

You know what I'm talking about?

The cramping is bad. So bad.

Like my uterus feels like it's been in a head-on collision.

I will wear your balls as a necklace!

Fantastic.

Happy birthday to me.

Oh my God, it is your birthday?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪ - No, no, no.

Oh my gosh.

Look, birthday swirl.

Look, I don't want.

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh my God, please don't sing.

Fireworks! ♪ Happy birthday dear Julie

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

Oh, cute!

Your little emotional support statue.

That's my Peabody.

Julie, Kris.

Michael came into the office today and he'd like to see you.

Good. I would like to see him too.

And I'd like to meet him.

You gotta button up.

After I had drinks with you, I had drinks with Evan

and he pitched me a vision for the future.

It's all about numbers.

It's about youth. It's about quadrants.

He made this pie chart. Have you seen this thing?

So you were swayed by pie charts and martinis?

Well, he sees the big picture.

But you're the better producer.

So that's why I'm putting you on Kris' show.

Well, Big Important Ideas takes up most of my time. So I-

Yeah, I'm cancelling that.

What?!

It has low numbers.

The ratings have been in free fall for some time now.

So you don't give me the promotion,

you cancel my "award-winning" show,

and now you want me to do a stupid makeup podcast

with some random TikToker?

Do I have that right?

Come on, come on. Let's, let's make this work, okay?

We need her numbers.

Oh, does it help Evan's pie chart?

If you're not comfortable doing this,

I can get someone else to produce it.

Just business, Julie.

Just business.

Feels deeply personal.

Michael! Oh, Kris!

I, um, I gotta go.

This TP is just not gonna hold, so.

You're kidding me. - I wish I was.

Well, I'm your new producer.

Are you kidding me?

I wish I was. - Oh my God. Okay, listen.

If you're my new producer, you need to do me a favour.

No co-host, please, just no co-host.

Oh, well then walk away.

You must have tons with all your TikTok followers.

It's not what people think.

I don't make a lot of money on TikTok.

And I only made minimum wage at Dominion Drug Mart.

I got 30% off so sometimes it worked out,

but not really.

Sometimes in this business,

you have to do things which you really don't wanna do.

Really? Is that how you won your Peabody?

I won it for journalistic excellence.

You don't know anything about podcasting.

Well, you know nothing about modern times.

I know everything about modern times!

Everyone on your shirt is dead!

Listen, I gotta go. This TP is not holding.

Hi! - Hello.

You ready for the photo shoot?

Oh, well that's just,

that's not a confirmed thing though, is it?

Well...

Hiya! - Oh!

Okay, so I have so many ideas for poses.

How do you feel about doing a handstand?

- I'm excited. - Right?

Oh my God, oh my God. Not again. Please.

- Let's walk and talk. - Okay.

Yeah. Um, Julie, you ready to,

you know, get up and do your job?

Be right there!

Fuck!

Yes.

Now in the comments when they say 'come to Brazil',

did they mean that literally?

Kris?

Oh no, I have use the bathroom.

Yeah, they're cleaning it right now.

No, uh... - Excuse me.

So your makeshift change room

is just in Mo's office on the corner.

Welcome to the glorious life of podcasting.

Listen, you don't happen to have an ol' French baguette?

Pardon?

Well, it's just I have a visitor in the red tent.

You want me to feed them a baguette?

No, no, no. I can say pad. Do you have a pad?

I, I need a pad. Do you have one?

You know, environmentally,

a menstrual cup would be better.

You know, it takes five to 800 years

for a disposable pad to break down.

Do you have like a cup, or a bucket,

or a chalice,

or any open receptacle?

No, I'm sorry.

Your wardrobe selects for the photo shoot

are in your change room.

Oh no.

They're all white!

Shit!

Pete, I didn't get the promotion.

Michael gave it to Evan,

and now I am stuck producing some show

I don't even care about.

I don't know if I can do this!

Of course you can. Alright?

Look, you are the strongest person I know.

You'll figure it out.

Just tell me I can quit.

You can quit!

I can't quit.

My job defines me.

What do you want me to say?

That you love me,

that I'm too good for this,

that someone in your family died and left us a lot of money.

You're picturing my Aunt Mable.

I am picturing your Aunt Mable.

Wow.

I'm fifty.

I've worked too hard to be treated this way.

I quit.

Let's just get a couple solo ones

before your co-host shows up.

Where is she?

Okay. Okay, you're okay.

I'm sorry.

♪ Daddy as fuck ♪

♪ I feel daddy as fuck ♪

♪ Daddy as fuck ♪

♪ I feel daddy as fuck ♪

Not sure if I would want more boob or less boob.

Is it too booby? Is there not booby enough?

Do a little of both. We can...

You good? - Not good.

I am so far from good.

Okay, um, just...

Hey, um, she's not good.

So you want me to fix it?

Thank you.

What's the problem?

I don't want a co-host.

Okay, we'll just take the picture.

Oh, Julie, I can't.

Yeah, you can. You just go take the picture.

No, I can't.

You just go and take the picture and it'll be fine.

No no no, Julie, Julie, I need pads.

You need an adult diaper.

I don't need an adult diaper!

Why do you need an adult diaper?

Because I'm bleeding!

Oh.

♪

Screw you, Julie,

I don't need your goddamn diapers.

Manager to cash, Manager to cash.

Hi, Sheila.

Yeah. - Of course.

Oh look, what are these?

It's a menstrual cup.

Oh my God, see the size of these?

These, these are, these are for like gnomes.

These are tiny little vaginas.

Gotta squeak that up there.

Yeah, you know what we need for our old vaginas?

We need like a coffee cup or a mason jar.

That's right, 'cause I could just, bam, splash, sploosh.

Ten seconds, I'm filling that up.

I need a goddamn gravy boat.

Set that down on your table for a Sunday dinner.

Or don't, however you like to roll.

How 'bout this?

A Tupperware with a really good seal.

Like one of those containers that pho comes in

when you order out. That's what you need.

Anyway, back to basics for me.

Super slenders.

That's a bit of a joke, isn't it really? For us?

That's just like throwing a cotton ball into the ocean.

Mini. No one down here is interested.

Ultra Thin Maxi.

Let me tell you what that is, Sheila...

oxymoron.

Chlorine-free.

Goddamnit, girl,

when was it not chlorine-free?

And what do we have over here?

Oh, this is nice, "Scented for teens."

Wait, what are you? Stop.

'To cover up unwanted odours.'

Well, here we go.

Now, I'm pretty sure the tweens didn't think it was unwanted

'til they're told it was unwanted by some corporate CEO

just trying to make bank off a child's shame.

And then they're building a world of humiliation

around the female reproductive system.

Now isn't that nice?

I just stock the shelves.

We had to take it but our daughters don't.

Guess what we're gonna do.

We're calling our daughters.

Get your phone out. We doing this together.

Sheila, get your goddamn phone out.

I, I can't. - You can't.

I love you, Sheila. Do you love me?

Yes? - Yeah?

We're calling our daughters.

Mom, what are you doing?

I'm in math class.

Listen to me right now.

Periods and vaginas are more important than math.

What does Mom always tell you?

Eyelash glue is for losers.

It's true. It completely is.

But people don't need to like you,

but they need to respect you.

Yeah?

Okay. Okay, I'm about to learn how to divide a fraction.

You will not be controlled.

You will not be told that you are an idiot.

You will not be told that you need a younger co-host

or an adult diaper. Do you understand me?

Mom, lowkey,

you might need the diapers.

Okay, bye.

This is not who I am.

I don't need your help.

I'm actually not here to help.

Um, I'm here to tell you I'm quitting.

- What? - Hey.

Your turn. - Yeah.

Why don't you just check out and I'll explain. Yeah.

Fine.

Unexpected item.

Unexpected item.

Okay. FYI, these are not for me, okay?

No one cares about your diapers, lady.

You know what? Maybe you would care

if you were on your period

and you were bleeding so bad you could pass out.

Maybe you'd care then.

I don't care. I wouldn't care.

You probably would care. - Okay, okay, okay.

Okay, let me, we'll just scan.

You know what I don't need is help from quitters.

That's what I don't need.

Well clearly you do 'cause the barcode is down here.

Yeah, I know where the barcode is.

Unexpected item.

Oh my god, how can it be an unexpected item?

Isn't everything in the store a goddamn expected item?!

Hurry up and buy your damn diapers!

These are not my diapers!

I don't care!

Now I'm gonna make you care!

What are ya gonna do? You gonna leak on me?

Yeah, you wanna know how it feels?

Whoa. Hey, hey, hey!

Please do not touch my meats.

You wanna see what-

What's going on here? - Oh!

Get her off of me!

Kris!

Ah!

Oh my gosh.

I am so sorry, sir.

Okay, so fact:

these diapers are for me.

And, um...

It's just like this, so...

Oh. - Oh.

Just, um...

You don't need to like me.

You just need to respect me.

Jesus.

I just really didn't want to need the diaper.

Periods do get weird in your forties.

Long and stringy,

yet chunky.

And like so heavy that you have to sleep in the bathtub

just 'cause it's easier.

Should you see a doctor?

Oh yeah, I tried.

Apparently it's normal, so.

Hmm. Well, I might possibly be in menopause.

Where's Judy Blume when you need her, you know?

There's no are you there God, it's me menopause.

And you know why?

It's a short fucking book.

Her bones turn to dust,

she becomes invisible, and then she dies.

I do not think you're invisible,

but I do think your eyebrows could use a little bit of help.

Oh God, I look tired.

It's okay.

I can help with that.

I'm gonna give you a little bit of a pop.

Just so we're clear,

I didn't quit because of you.

Michael cancelled Big Important Ideas.

Oh my god, girl, you lost so many jobs today.

I did.

Okay. You're okay.

What are ya feeling?

Rage, hurt, disappointment.

Those are a lot of feelings.

Can't fix it all at once.

We're gonna start with matching eyebrows.

Take a look.

Little easy steps.

Wow. Small achievable goals.

You're good.

Ah, yeah.

Sometimes you gotta start from the outside in.

Okay, so what's your first small achievable goal?

Um...

It is to make an adult diaper look sexy.

Mmm, not gonna happen.

Um, stop you from quitting?

Oh, well, I do have a hefty mortgage.

Okay, I'll stay.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

♪ Happy birthday ♪

Oh really no.

I'm gonna take your picture now.

What?

You're gonna have to pay for that cake.

No, no, no, we didn't eat it. It's her birthday.

My name's not Scotty!

Stop smiling.

Put the peace sign down. - Can we have a higher angle?

No. Keep- - You know, when you overflow

you don't want this to be noticed.

Go up, pop up, pop up.

It's not meant to be flattering.

Go low, go down.