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Laila: It's horrible, right?
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Seven years old, playing in the backyard.
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I mean, the Santa Anas happen all the time.
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And this kid was just out in the grass,
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playing with a soccer ball,
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and, like, a tree limb just, like, broke.
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Dropped him, out cold, boom. Like, freak accident.
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And so, the grandpa becomes an Uber driver
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to help with the medical bills.
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Like, can you imagine?
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Like, out of everything that's happened, COVID,
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the wildfires, it was just, like,
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like, the wind!
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(sighs)
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And the kid is, like, still in the ICU.
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-Laila-- -It's just like everything is fine.
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You're outside, the sun is shining,
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and out of nowhere, like, wham! Nothing is the same!
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Like, nothing!
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What is it, Laila?
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Tell me. Whatever it is,
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saying it out loud is never as bad as--
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It's just a sad story that the Uber driver told me!
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Can't I just, like, be upset about it?!
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(sighs)
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(light piano music playing)
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♪ ♪
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It's difficult for me to not acknowledge
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the emotional response you had just now,
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but it seems like you want to move on.
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Yeah. You should.
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Definitely move on.
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Okay.
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So, are you willing
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to take me to the end of-- Wait.
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Why were you in an Uber?
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-What happened to your car? -I donated it.
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You donated it.
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Who did you donate it to?
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To a women's shelter.
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-To a women's shelter. -God,
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is there, like, an echo in here?
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I'm just trying to understand why you donated
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your custom Bentley
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to a women's shelter.
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Because they're gonna get a lot of money for it.
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Of course.
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And some of the women just
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don't have anything except for the clothes on their backs.
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They just wake up one morning and, like, go.
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No plan, nothing. Just...
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ready. Finally.
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I agree it's a worthy cause, but...
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maybe I need to pose the question differently.
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Instead of why, maybe why now?
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Because what does it matter?
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I told you last week that things are...
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pretty much meaningless.
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I'm figuring out that they're only worth
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-whatever they're worth to you. -What do you mean?
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(scoffs) Well...
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I bet that you'd pay more for this house than I would.
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Well, the real estate market determines
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-the value of this house, Laila, not me. -Bullshit.
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Your dad designed this house. He's everywhere in it.
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He's, like, in the walls and shit,
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and that translates to...
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Huh.
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Why do you even do this?
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-This work? -Like, sit and listen
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to people's problems all day long.
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Like, blah blah blah blah, it's so boring.
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Well, there are a lot of reasons, but mostly,
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it reminds me I'm not the only one with problems.
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So you really
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-actually believe in it? -I do.
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I believe the more you know yourself,
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the more secure you feel and...
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with that security comes freedom.
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And do you know yourself?
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For a long time, I thought I did. (laughs)
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Luckily, in my profession, there's always more to know.
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What do you believe, Laila?
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(scoffs) What kind of question is that?
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What matters to you?
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Um...
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Do you believe in God?
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I'm betting no.
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-Would my answer change how you feel on the subject? -Hm.
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-Look who's deflecting now. -(laughs)
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If I'm being truthful...
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I've struggled with having faith.
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I wanted it. Wanted it desperately,
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but it's always just... over there.
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Just out of reach.
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That's funny.
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What's funny about it?
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No, I mean, like...
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I get that out-of-reach feeling, too.
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But, in a weird way...
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that is God to me.
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Sometimes, I go to the overlook at night by myself
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to be there alone.
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And...
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and just look at all the lights across the city,
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the streetlights, house lights,
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lights of the cars on the 405, and,
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in a way,
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I feel like
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I've already hurled myself off of the overlook,
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except I'm not falling. I'm floating.
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And everything is so far away.
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Nothing can touch me.
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It's so intensely beautiful that
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I almost get too excited.
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Like, I can hear my heart beating in my ears,
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and I can feel it in my fingertips.
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It's both the feeling of
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being really high and deep underwater at the same time.
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-Do you know what I mean? -And that's God?
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It's...
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(sighs)
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Ascension.
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From the Latin ascendere, to climb.
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To rise to a higher, more powerful position.
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And is that the draw to the mountains?
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To Machu Picchu?
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(sighs)
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And then I come back down that hill, and here the fuck I am.
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Well,
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until you get to Peru, right?
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Can you just, like, stop talking about Peru?
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I don't think we've spoken about it at all today.
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No, not just today, but last week, too!
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You just kept on going on and on
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about how it was gonna ruin my life.
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-I don't think I said that, Laila. -Yes, you did.
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You talked about it so much
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that I couldn't stop thinking about it.
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You said it might not happen the way I had planned it, and...
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I don't know, it was scary to think about.
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I'm sure it was.
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You're brave to think about it though--
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Don't call me brave! I'm not brave!
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(sighs)
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(Laila sighs heavily)
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I'm a fucking idiot, Dr. Taylor.
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Like, she laughed at me. (scoffs)
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-Laughed at me. -Who did?
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All of our stories about renting a flat in London,
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or, or buying a yacht and sailing around the world, or, like,
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what it would be like to live on Mars or in Ancient Egypt.
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Cara thought Peru was just that, like a story.
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Like something that we were just making up.
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Laila...
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-I'm sorry. -Yeah, you fucking should be!
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Because if you didn't get it into my head
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that it wouldn't have happened the way I'd planned it,
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I wouldn't have asked Cara about Peru in the first place!
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It was the wrong time!
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-Wrong time how? -Because...
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Because it would've become real to her eventually.
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You pretend till it's real.
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Like "fake it till you make it."
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I mean, it's gonna go on Jamal's fucking gravestone.
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And what if you didn't do that?
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-What if you just stopped pretending? -And do what?
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Just be.
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-Be here. Be you. -You're out of your fucking mind.
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-Excuse me? -Be me?
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Who the fuck is that?
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My grandma has controlled my life
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since I was, like, three years old.
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Like, do I even like pink? My room is pink,
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but I didn't decorate my room. My grandmother did.
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I have pink bags and pink shoes and...
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and pink hair sometimes,
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and is that because I actually like pink
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or is that just because
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that's what she told me I liked,
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-and I've just never, like-- -Laila,
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-do you like pink? -That's not the point!
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It's not about pink! It's everything!
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Like, I've had scrambled eggs for breakfast
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ever since I could remember, and is that because
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I actually like them, or is that just because
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that's the only thing that grandma likes to cook?
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-Laila, do you like scrambled eggs? -No, I don't fucking know!
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I don't know!
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(sobbing)
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Fuck!
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(sobbing) Look, I just can't do this, Dr. Taylor.
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(sniffles) I just can't, like, sit down and, like, shoot the shit.
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Okay, so don't!
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Walk around. Walk around the living room,
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if that's what you need to do.
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-It's just so embarrassing, you know? -What is?
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That I'm 18 fucking years old, like,
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I can drive, I can vote, but I don't even know
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-how I like my fucking eggs! -Well then, fuck the eggs!
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I like cereal for breakfast anyway.
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What kind of cereal do you like?
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-I... I don't know. -I like Raisin Bran.
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(scoffs) Raisin Bran is, like, for old people.
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Brooke: Maybe, and I like it.
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What kind of cereal do you like?
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No, don't think so hard.
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Just answer impulsively.
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(claps hands) What's your favorite cereal?
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-Frosted Flakes. -Mm-hmm.
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But, like, I'm not allowed to have them
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-because there's too much sugar. -Favorite cheese.
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-What? -I like Camembert if it's on a cheese plate.
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If I'm having a sandwich, I like provolone.
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-What kind of cheese do you like? -Um,
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-white American. -Not regular American?
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Like Kraft Singles? No. Ew.
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Who's better, Beyoncé or Solange?
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That's like apples and oranges.
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-Fine. Apples or oranges? -Oranges.
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And Solange.
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What's your best quality?
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No fucking way. Who knows that about themselves?
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Don't think.
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Best quality.
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Um, I'm mystical.
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But not like magic powers or anything.
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It's more like mystifying
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-or unclear. -And that's a bad thing?
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Does it sound like a good thing?
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Good. New rule. No thinking, no judgment.
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What scares you more than anything else?
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No!
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Keep walking.
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That I'm just, like, afraid all the time.
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Afraid of what? What's the big one?
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That I don't have what it takes.
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-That you won't live up to expectations? -Yeah, it-it's that,
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but it's more. It's like I'm not built for this life somehow.
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I-I-I just like the places I go in my head so much better.
241
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-The escape. -(exhales)
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What if you did have what it takes, Laila?
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What would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?
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I'd take a risk. I-I would do something for myself for once.
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-Such as? -I don't know. I...
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-I'd be brave enough! -Brave enough for what?
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(sighs)
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(exhales)
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(breathes shakily) To just quit.
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-Quit what? -(sighs) Enough.
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Brooke: Quit what, Laila?
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No more questions. (sniffles)
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You've been walking in a pattern.
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-No, I... -Mm-hmm.
255
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Have I?
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(rummaging)
257
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(footsteps returning)
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Come over here.
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Now, try drawing the pattern you were walking.
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00:12:45,066 --> 00:12:46,500
I didn't even know I was doing it.
261
00:12:46,566 --> 00:12:49,166
-Well, just give it a try. -(puts down box)
262
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:53,200
And just so you know,
263
00:12:53,266 --> 00:12:56,266
I wouldn't push you if I didn't think you had what it takes.
264
00:12:58,533 --> 00:13:00,700
You know yourself better than you think, Laila.
265
00:13:00,766 --> 00:13:04,300
And these questions, they only get harder to answer later in life.
266
00:13:04,366 --> 00:13:09,166
I promise you if you get to the bottom of you now,
267
00:13:09,233 --> 00:13:11,166
it will be a gift.
268
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:17,466
♪ ♪
269
00:13:32,666 --> 00:13:36,133
♪ ♪
270
00:13:42,266 --> 00:13:44,500
I don't know if I'm doing this right.
271
00:13:45,200 --> 00:13:46,266
(sighs)
272
00:13:50,366 --> 00:13:51,633
This is stupid.
273
00:13:51,700 --> 00:13:53,700
Brooke: No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait.
274
00:14:00,633 --> 00:14:02,466
Brooke: Hmm.
275
00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:08,666
-You know who Jung is? -(scoffs)
276
00:14:10,100 --> 00:14:13,366
"Memories, Dreams, Reflections."
277
00:14:13,433 --> 00:14:15,233
"Man and His Symbols."
278
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:16,700
Mm-hmm. Exactly.
279
00:14:16,766 --> 00:14:19,500
He wrote extensively about symbols
280
00:14:19,566 --> 00:14:22,466
as a visual product of the unconscious
281
00:14:22,533 --> 00:14:26,266
that can't always be grasped by the conscious mind right away.
282
00:14:27,400 --> 00:14:30,433
But if we search for their meaning...
283
00:14:32,533 --> 00:14:34,500
Do you see something in it, Laila?
284
00:14:34,566 --> 00:14:37,700
♪ ♪
285
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,166
What?
286
00:14:47,233 --> 00:14:48,700
Um...
287
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,166
It doesn't really, uh...
288
00:14:58,633 --> 00:14:59,700
but, uh...
289
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:03,133
it looks like the symbol of (sniff)...
290
00:15:03,766 --> 00:15:05,233
Pachamama.
291
00:15:07,266 --> 00:15:09,733
A Mother Earth, sort of,
292
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,466
-for the Inca. -This spiral?
293
00:15:12,533 --> 00:15:14,500
It moves inwards.
294
00:15:16,133 --> 00:15:19,400
That's our inner journey that guides us.
295
00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:25,600
(sighs) I just don't wanna deal with it.
296
00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:28,033
-With what? -(sighs) With any of it.
297
00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:32,066
It's just too hard.
298
00:15:33,333 --> 00:15:36,000
Laila, this is the good stuff.
299
00:15:36,066 --> 00:15:39,133
Some would say it's the meaning of life.
300
00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:43,000
-Fucking Socrates. -(laughs)
301
00:15:44,100 --> 00:15:46,333
It's doing the deep interrogation
302
00:15:46,400 --> 00:15:47,733
into who you are,
303
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:50,566
and through that interrogation,
304
00:15:50,633 --> 00:15:52,433
sometimes with a lot of
305
00:15:52,500 --> 00:15:54,633
hurt and effort,
306
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:59,233
trying to mold yourself into who you want to be.
307
00:15:59,300 --> 00:16:02,466
You're the only one who knows that truth.
308
00:16:02,533 --> 00:16:05,333
You're the only one who can do that work.
309
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:08,666
(sighs)
310
00:16:08,733 --> 00:16:11,600
-I just feel like it's too late. -Oh, Laila...
311
00:16:11,666 --> 00:16:14,166
No, like, I'm already an adult, and...
312
00:16:15,300 --> 00:16:18,400
I don't know anything about myself.
313
00:16:18,466 --> 00:16:20,400
(sniffles) It just seems impossible.
314
00:16:20,466 --> 00:16:22,266
It is not impossible.
315
00:16:22,333 --> 00:16:24,500
-It is for me. -Laila...
316
00:16:24,566 --> 00:16:28,066
especially for you, nothing is impossible.
317
00:16:28,133 --> 00:16:29,433
I feel like...
318
00:16:30,566 --> 00:16:32,700
my entire self...
319
00:16:32,766 --> 00:16:35,333
my entire life... (sniffles)
320
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:37,133
is a failure, and I...
321
00:16:37,533 --> 00:16:38,633
(sighs)
322
00:16:38,700 --> 00:16:40,633
and it's too late to change it.
323
00:16:44,466 --> 00:16:47,233
So I might as well just, like, give up now.
324
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,000
It'd be easier if... (sniffles)
325
00:16:53,700 --> 00:16:54,766
(sighs)
326
00:16:56,366 --> 00:16:59,600
if I didn't keep on failing and letting everyone down.
327
00:17:07,766 --> 00:17:10,133
Laila, you've been through a lot.
328
00:17:11,733 --> 00:17:14,433
You internalized violence from your family,
329
00:17:14,500 --> 00:17:17,233
from the culture at large,
330
00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:19,066
and if I understand it,
331
00:17:19,133 --> 00:17:22,266
you never felt like you had any options.
332
00:17:22,333 --> 00:17:25,666
Any say, any control.
333
00:17:25,733 --> 00:17:27,700
And that's why you've been so desperate to escape.
334
00:17:27,766 --> 00:17:30,733
-Do I have that right? -(sighs)
335
00:17:31,000 --> 00:17:34,066
-Okay, and you've tried many times. -(sniffles)
336
00:17:34,133 --> 00:17:37,100
From the end of the block in Anaheim to the train in Seattle,
337
00:17:37,166 --> 00:17:40,400
and now South America, but every time you'd get away,
338
00:17:40,466 --> 00:17:43,066
someone seems to bring you back.
339
00:17:43,133 --> 00:17:46,533
No escape you've attempted has been permanent.
340
00:17:46,600 --> 00:17:48,266
So,
341
00:17:48,333 --> 00:17:51,333
you crash your expensive cars.
342
00:17:51,400 --> 00:17:54,300
You sell your belongings. You come in here,
343
00:17:54,366 --> 00:17:58,033
looking like a changed person,
344
00:17:58,100 --> 00:18:00,266
saying nothing matters.
345
00:18:01,266 --> 00:18:03,100
Last week, you said
346
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:06,400
if you didn't have the dream of Peru to cling to,
347
00:18:06,466 --> 00:18:08,300
you would rather die.
348
00:18:09,433 --> 00:18:11,133
And now this week,
349
00:18:11,200 --> 00:18:13,333
Cara laughed at that dream.
350
00:18:14,633 --> 00:18:16,233
She broke your heart.
351
00:18:18,600 --> 00:18:20,466
So...
352
00:18:22,066 --> 00:18:24,300
I need to ask you one more question
353
00:18:24,366 --> 00:18:28,366
because the moment this question occurs to me,
354
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:31,433
I'm required by law to ask it.
355
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:39,633
Are you thinking about suicide?
356
00:18:45,166 --> 00:18:47,700
Do you understand the question I'm asking you?
357
00:18:48,533 --> 00:18:49,700
'Cause...
358
00:18:50,666 --> 00:18:53,033
I'm gonna need you to answer me.
359
00:18:55,666 --> 00:18:57,566
How fucking dare you.
360
00:18:59,466 --> 00:19:00,766
I need you to answer.
361
00:19:01,033 --> 00:19:02,666
You're no different than Grandma.
362
00:19:02,733 --> 00:19:05,566
Brooke: I'm here for you, Laila. I know you know that.
363
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,566
No.
364
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,400
I was honest to Grandma about Cara,
365
00:19:12,466 --> 00:19:15,066
and she called me a lesbian and dropped me off here
366
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:16,333
for you to deal with me.
367
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:19,333
And I come in here, baring my soul,
368
00:19:19,400 --> 00:19:22,566
being honest, like, truly honest with you.
369
00:19:22,633 --> 00:19:24,400
And you come back calling me suicidal?
370
00:19:24,466 --> 00:19:27,066
-No, fuck that! -I didn't call you anything.
371
00:19:27,133 --> 00:19:29,766
-I asked-- -Yeah, yeah, yeah. Asked, told, like,
372
00:19:30,033 --> 00:19:31,366
you stay on your bullshit.
373
00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:34,466
I would never fucking do that.
374
00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:36,666
Never.
375
00:19:40,566 --> 00:19:42,633
(scoffs) I-I'm out.
376
00:19:42,700 --> 00:19:46,100
(sniffs, sighs) And you know what?
377
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:47,433
Grandma was right about one thing.
378
00:19:47,500 --> 00:19:49,700
Therapy is just some white nonsense
379
00:19:49,766 --> 00:19:53,533
that invents problems that you didn't even fuckin' have to begin with.
380
00:19:54,266 --> 00:19:55,433
(sighs)
381
00:19:59,366 --> 00:20:00,433
(door slams)
382
00:20:01,466 --> 00:20:04,000
♪ ♪
383
00:20:04,066 --> 00:20:06,566
(insects chirping)
384
00:20:07,633 --> 00:20:08,700
(sighs)
385
00:20:22,433 --> 00:20:24,233
-(clinking) -(sighs)
386
00:20:27,300 --> 00:20:28,500
(door opens)
387
00:20:30,066 --> 00:20:31,566
-(sighs) -(door shuts)
388
00:20:38,166 --> 00:20:39,300
(drops bag)
389
00:20:40,666 --> 00:20:43,766
Here's to giving up a drawer or two.
390
00:20:45,500 --> 00:20:46,666
(laughs)
391
00:20:49,033 --> 00:20:52,100
The girl is a whole mess of contradictions.
392
00:20:53,533 --> 00:20:56,166
She wants to escape her grandmother,
393
00:20:56,233 --> 00:20:59,266
but she's terrified to be free.
394
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:05,233
She somehow wants more and nothing all at the same time.
395
00:21:05,300 --> 00:21:08,300
That sounds a lot like someone I know.
396
00:21:11,466 --> 00:21:13,033
Me?
397
00:21:13,100 --> 00:21:14,700
What do you mean?
398
00:21:14,766 --> 00:21:17,466
You go after what you want, and then...
399
00:21:17,533 --> 00:21:20,233
come right back where you started.
400
00:21:20,300 --> 00:21:21,766
(laughs)
401
00:21:22,666 --> 00:21:24,066
And me?
402
00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:27,066
You-you let me in, but...
403
00:21:27,133 --> 00:21:30,433
you know, somehow I'm...
404
00:21:30,500 --> 00:21:33,100
always a little bit on the outside.
405
00:21:33,166 --> 00:21:37,433
All of your shit is literally here now.
406
00:21:37,500 --> 00:21:40,633
I don't know how much more "inside" you can get.
407
00:21:45,500 --> 00:21:47,366
You think that girl...
408
00:21:49,733 --> 00:21:52,000
think she'll be okay?
409
00:21:53,500 --> 00:21:54,633
I hope so.
410
00:21:56,533 --> 00:21:57,666
Me, too.
411
00:21:59,066 --> 00:22:02,266
(phone ringing)
412
00:22:02,333 --> 00:22:04,200
-No. -(soft laugh)
413
00:22:04,266 --> 00:22:05,700
(ringing continues)
414
00:22:05,766 --> 00:22:07,633
-(puts down glass) -Mm.
415
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:10,500
Hello?
416
00:22:11,500 --> 00:22:14,500
Oh, it's fine. It's not too late.
417
00:22:24,500 --> 00:22:26,300
I can't believe it.
418
00:22:30,266 --> 00:22:31,366
Thank you.
419
00:22:32,533 --> 00:22:33,600
(sighs)
420
00:22:35,000 --> 00:22:36,366
That's really great.
421
00:22:37,666 --> 00:22:41,400
Yes. We can talk next week. Thank you.
422
00:22:46,366 --> 00:22:48,000
What's going on?
423
00:22:51,333 --> 00:22:54,233
My lawyer. (slight chuckle)
424
00:22:54,300 --> 00:22:55,733
He found him.
425
00:22:57,133 --> 00:22:59,466
He found my son.
426
00:22:59,533 --> 00:23:02,600
♪ ♪
427
00:23:09,300 --> 00:23:12,366
♪ ♪
428
00:23:39,233 --> 00:23:42,333
♪ ♪
429
00:24:09,233 --> 00:24:12,300
♪ ♪
30156
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