Original subtitles

(kids chattering)

Rita: I don't know about this, Brooke.

Mm?

(gags) Are you serious?

-I can't do this! -You said you can't drink coffee.

-This is healthy. -(pours drink)

How was your, uh, slumber party with Adam?

I wouldn't call it that.

Oh. Why, he didn't stay over?

What does that matter? I mean,

we didn't get arrested, if that's what you're getting at.

All right, I'm just asking. But you said

you had it under control,

so I guess I'll back off.

I had a whole week of patients after Adam,

and the sky didn't fall.

Uh-huh.

(clears throat) Well I'm glad it's

not getting in the way of your work.

And if it did, I would

check with my supervisor.

And so what does Paul have to say about all that?

We haven't discussed Adam or anything else.

You didn't tell him anything?

I thought you and Paul were thick as thieves,

-talking every week... -We haven't been able to connect.

You see him on the news. He's like America's therapist

through all this craziness.

Are you avoiding him?

Let me get you some water.

(light piano playing)

♪

I'm not trying to get on your case

-every time I come here. -Mm.

I'm glad you and Adam had a good time.

-You don't mean that. (laughs) -(scoffs)

Sure I do! Everybody deserves a good time.

Just gotta be ready for the hangover.

It wasn't always hangovers.

You know, you only know sad Brooke.

You don't know good-time Brooke.

-Oh, I don't know good-time Brooke? -Mm-mmm!

Why don't you introduce me?

(scoffs)

Okay.

You ever have one

perfect night back in the day?

Where you felt like young, hot shit

and your give-a-fucks just melted away?

It was nice to lose my give-a-fucks.

(laughs) Yeah. Adam was part of mine.

Shit, I owe him mine.

-How? -Oh, it was

last day of finals, first year of Wharton. Or...

only year of Wharton.

And I had this accounting exam. It was miserable.

-Accounting sounds miserable. -Oh, the whole year was miserable.

I mean, I had spent that entire time doing everything

that my dad wanted me to do. I felt like a puppet,

and he was just pulling the strings from across the country.

I just kept getting more and more empty,

and then I started filling up that emptiness with alcohol.

A few drinks with friends turns into a half bottle of vodka,

-alone in my apartment. -(snap)

(sighs) Anyway,

on that lousy day, of the accounting exam,

my phone went off. It's a text from Adam.

And I don't even...

Yeah. We'd just met,

and I don't even remember giving him my number,

or even who he was for that matter.

-Hard for me to imagine you before Adam. -Oh.

You're not the only one.

So what did the text message say?

Oh.

All it said was "Silk City."

-What's Silk City? -It's this sometimes restaurant,

sometimes lounge, sometimes club.

So...

I walk in,

and there's Adam, looking...

like he still looks.

And so, I'm at the bar,

and he just grabs me by the elbow, and he's like,

"You gotta come with me!" And I'm thinking it's an emergency,

and then he goes, "We...

We have been challenged to a dance contest."

-That was the emergency? -Yes! (laughs)

And, oh! And-and I got on that dance floor,

-and I made it happen! -(snapping)

-Okay, it was like out of body... -(laughs)

but I'd never felt more in my body,

and I forgot everything that was weighing me down.

-I just, oh-- -What if...

that was the booze?

What if Adam had nothing to do with it?

I don't know.

Maybe it was both.

Exactly. What if you can't separate the two?

I can.

That's my point.

You sure?

Is that why you keep Adam around?

To relive one fun night?

I'm getting older.

I look at him, he looks at me, I feel 23 again.

Is that such a goddamn crime?

No, but it can be dangerous.

You can only do one thing at a time,

and if your one thing

is thinking about the past,

your future is on a shelf, rotting.

I don't have a future figured out.

Exactly. Why don't you think about that?

So you don't waste away?

(scoffs) That's easy for you to say.

Your future is secure.

Kids, grandkids, all of that.

You can have a future without that.

I just don't need you to remind me how old I am.

Are you afraid?

Afraid of what? Death?

Any-any one of us could drop dead any time,

-anywhere, so-- -I asked are you afraid.

Well, I wasn't until...

my father...

I mean, it's just like...

Now, there's no generation above me to look up to.

To be mad at. To resent.

To love. They're all gone now.

You know, I can't help but feel like...

(sighs)

I'm next.

And what do I have to show for it?

(laughs) This is a cheery talk for a Sunday Funday, Rita.

Thank you. Thank you for triggering my regret.

Oh, you don't need my help for that.

What, so I have chances that I wasted, huh?

To have people? To have a family of my own?

-Chances I passed up? -I didn't say that.

I was driven.

I focused on my doctorate, my practice.

And what did I give up in the meantime, you know?

I bet you world-renowned

Dr. Paul Weston never

asked himself these questions.

Men never do.

-Damn straight. -But do you hear yourself?

You sound like all your chances are gone.

What-where-where do you see

this slew of chances? Under here?

-Under here? -Brooke...

No, seriously!

Where do I start?

Fuck, I don't know!

Join a dating app like the rest of us.

How's that worked out for you?

I still haven't met any boyfriends.

Don't mean I never had none.

I'm just saying don't shack up with Adam the enabler

because you had a fun night 20 years ago.

-He's not an enabler. -He looks the other way.

No, he looks in my direction.

You've seen him.

You'd be happy if he looked in yours, too.

Oh, he fine.

But, you live in LA.

Scrubs a dime a dozen.

He's not a scrub.

-No offense. -No offense?

What, because he's the good kind of scrub?

Sometimes, I think...

what if I decide just to go for it?

You know, have a baby with Adam.

D...

Do you wanna have a baby?

No. I...

Hell, I don't know.

Do you think that having a baby

will make you get your shit together?

-Yeah, I guess so. -It don't.

But maybe it would, for me.

I guess you'll never know.

What's that supposed to mean?

-Do you wanna have a baby? -You know,

even if I could have a baby the old-fashioned way,

right now, it would be a baby.

I don't want a baby! Or at least I...

(sighs)

pretty sure I don't.

-Why is this a question that I have to answer? -'Cause maybe you're thinking

about replacing the son you didn't get to raise.

I don't wanna replace him. I think I...

I think I wanna find him.

Your son?

Since when?

I don't know. I...

Can't even believe I just said that out loud. That is bizarre.

It's natural to want to find your people.

And when I think about it,

I have a lot of questions.

Uh-huh. Like what?

Like...

if I find him,

what if he doesn't like me?

(chuckles)

Then you'll be like any other mother.

No, because he's not my kid, really.

I didn't raise him.

For us to have a relationship, he would have to like me.

You're spinning.

What if he's dead?

-Why would he be dead? -Because he's a young Black man living in the world.

Yeah, I wish I could say that ain't possible.

Or...

what if he's been out there,

needing me the whole time that I've been needing him?

Yeah, but you're mourning the past,

while your present is passing you by.

What if he asks me why?

"Why did you give me up?"

What am I supposed to tell him?

Why not the truth?

That his grandfather convinced me to give him up

so that we could stay in polite society?

-Is that the whole truth? -What does that mean?

It's kind of convenient to blame a dead man for all of this.

(scoffs)

Went to pick up his ashes the other day.

You know, they take you into this room, sign a form.

When I walked in, for, like, a split second,

I looked around to see if he'd be sitting in a chair,

smoking a cigar or something.

Then I saw the box.

Made it so...

Final.

I know my dad

isn't to blame for all of this.

I know I made a mistake, too, but the difference is

I was a kid.

Like, how come nobody...

Nobody had compassion for me.

Nobody cared about me.

All anybody cared about were...

I don't know.

Appearances.

I wouldn't wish it on anybody.

But none of that can be undone now.

So you can imagine how I feel.

Mm-hmm.

That also means

there's nobody left

to disappoint.

Except yourself.

(birds chirping)

(wind chimes ringing outside)

(closet opening)

(quiet rummaging)

(sighs)

What's that?

They stuffed this box full of my dad's files from his desk.

I haven't even had a chance to look at it.

Go ahead.

I'm right here.

(sighs)

-It's organized. -(laughs)

That's the only way my father knew how to live.

By imposing order.

No chaos allowed in the Taylor household.

You okay?

I... don't know.

I'm right here.

Let's do this.

Hm.

(inhales, exhales)

Blech.

-Who's Angela? -My father's longtime secretary,

-if you know what I mean. -Ugh...

Why would he keep a file on her?

I don't know. I don't wanna know. Remind me to shred that.

Rita: What's that?

Brooke: Rita, this is the relinquishment contract.

-Holy shit. -I don't even remember signing this.

(papers crinkling)

Why would my father keep this?

Maybe he cared more than you think.

(scoffs) He had a fucked up way of showing it.

It was his grandchild, after all.

It could've been too painful for him to talk--

I don't care! He should've tried.

He wouldn't be the first person to sweep things under the rug.

What about my pain?

This is pain!

This is contractions.

This is 13 hours in labor.

This is not getting to hold him.

This is having a 16th birthday party

right after and acting like nothing happened.

(scoffs) Oh, but yes, let's just keep talking about

how painful this was for him.

(scoffs) Yeah.

Hell with going down memory lane. I'm finding my son.

-Brooke, before you do this-- -Oh, I am doing this.

-Uh-- -I am not waiting.

I tell my patients all the time to take responsibility

for their lives. It's my turn.

I'm all for that, you know I am. But...

-take a breath, make sure your head is clear-- -My head is clear.

So then, why rush into it?

Over the years, you've had every chance to look for your son.

I was ashamed!

But I can't let that stop me.

But that's not about your son. That's about you.

Why do you really wanna do this?

-Are you supporting me or not? -Of course, I am,

but don't you think you should be able to answer that question

-before you-- -I guess...

I don't know. I wanna...

apologize to him.

-That's still about you. -Oh, come on, Rita!

Haven't you ever made a mistake that you just want to make right?

-Yeah. -Then let me have this!

All I'm saying is

whatever you decide,

it probably shouldn't be decided at this second.

So...

let's say the prayer.

It'll remind you to put your oxygen mask on first.

(inhales, exhales)

God...

Both: Grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference.

And how can I know the difference?

'Cause I've been saying that prayer for years,

and I still don't have the courage

or the wisdom.

Still waiting on the serenity, too.

This happens on God's timeline, not ours.

♪ ♪

I want to apologize to my son.

Even if that's about me.

(sighs)

You know I used to talk to him when I was pregnant?

Used to tell him that...

even though I knew he could hear everyone talking about him

like he was an inconvenience, a problem.

Before he was even a person.

I didn't think of him like that.

I knew we were on borrowed time.

I knew we'd have to say hello and goodbye on the same day.

So...

I would just wanna ask him if...

♪ ♪

if he would forgive me.

What if he says no?

I have to try.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪