Original subtitles

Brooke: You can just leave it right there.

-Appreciate you. -(lawn mower roaring)

-(door shuts) -(footsteps approaching)

(bottles rattling)

Oh yes...

-(sniffs) -(phone buzzing)

(buzzing)

(buzzing stops)

(light piano playing)

♪

(car door opens, shuts)

(car drives away)

(sighs)

Okay, five things I wish

someone would've told me a year ago.

One, mental health is, like, no joke.

It requires as much maintenance as your physical health.

And two, literally everybody needs therapy.

That's why I'm outside my therapist's office right now,

-doing what I have to-- -Brooke: Are you...

-coming in or...? -I--

Oh hey, Dr. T! Everyone,

look at this mental health professional,

glowing with melanin, and looking good.

-(shuts door) -Oh.

Sorry. I, like, need to spit out my gum.

Oh. Tissues here, trash can there.

-Hm. -You can keep the pack.

You know, you should, like, get branded tissues or something.

I bet people come in here crying about stuff all the time.

Ones with, like, your name on it? Your face?

That'd be so funny.

I don't know if I want my patients to look at me and cry.

Mm. My dad puts his face on everything.

Keychains, coasters, fidget spinners, bumper stickers.

Come on down! Ow.

-What happened? -Oh, this? It's cute, right?

I love Hello Kitty.

You know, I would, like, really love to go to Japan one day.

-Laila. You're deflecting. -What?

Um... Deflect.

From the Latin "de," as in, like, negative,

-from or of. "Flectere," to bend. -Impressive.

Yeah. Grandma made me take Latin.

Somebody told her it would help me on my SATs,

so now, I know this language that

nobody else friggin' speaks,

as if I wasn't already, like, drilling vocab words

-for the past 12 centuries. And, obviously, -Laila...

I was, like, gonna do better on verbal than I was gonna do on math.

-So, it was like complete overkill, but Grandma-- -(laughs) Okay. Fine.

You win. I give up.

I'm glad you came back.

(scoffs) Well, like, no choice.

Grandma and all.

-Well last week, we talked about building trust. -Yeah.

-So, like, what do I have to do? -Nothing.

Or whatever you want.

But as for me,

if we're going to trust each other,

I am going to be truthful about what I'm feeling

so you can always be sure where we stand.

-Okay. -So,

in that spirit...

a thought has stuck with me from our session last week,

and I want to be upfront with you about it.

When we were in the kitchen, I noticed how upset you got

when we talked about your girlfriend's age.

Is that something we can talk about?

This again?

I mean, what, you think I'm like some abuser or something?

You're gonna call the Feds

because I told you I like to have sex?

I didn't say anything like that, Laila.

(scoffs)

But I keep replaying the moment you said

that you and Cara were the same person.

Do you really think that can be true?

Mm. We are.

But she is 15, and you are 18.

Big developmental shifts happen in those years. Huge.

At 15, mood swings are very common.

Oppositional one moment,

needy the next, and then, usually,

there's an intense emphasis on sex,

but by 18, a lot of that stuff

has settled down, and people are looking ahead

-to the next chapter. -Yeah, so, like,

why are you telling me any of this?

Your next chapter is college, right?

See, there it is.

That shrug.

I've noticed it every time we talk about school. Why is that?

Um, like...

(scoffs) I guess it's just...

Well, like, whatever. I mean, you know,

it's the next thing, so...

Do you feel ready?

Um, yeah. I guess.

Because sometimes, when people don't feel completely ready,

they regress.

They replay the younger version of themselves--

Yes, I understand what regress means. (scoffs)

But, how are you gonna sit up there and try to tell me

anything like you were better than me at my age? Don't try it.

People talk.

And what do they say?

Um...

Shoot, I mean, just...

Something about, like, you being sent away to,

like, reform school for a while and...

Whatever. Uh...

(scoffs) Now, you're gonna tell me about, you know,

what I do? Miss me with that.

If there's something you want to ask me,

I'm generally open to sharing.

I mean, sure.

Say what you're gonna say.

I did make mistakes when I was young.

I was having sex.

Having experiences.

Experiences that propelled me into a different stage of life.

I knew it. I was excited about it,

in part because I was young.

When I was 15,

I ended up pregnant.

I didn't realize it for quite some time,

and for a longer time,

I was in denial.

"I couldn't be pregnant." (laughs)

I thought if I didn't admit it, then I wouldn't be, but...

I was.

So, what'd you do?

Well, in a way, I didn't do anything.

My parents found out,

and they sent me away

to come to term.

Uh, my dad

made arrangements for an adoption.

He made sure that

I came back to my life without ever having

to be a mother.

And I-- And I don't know if that decision

was right or wrong, but I do know this.

I remember exactly what it felt like to be young

and scared

and steamrolled by my parents

and not at all interested

in the life they wanted for me.

Uh...

I hear that.

-I do. -So, if your life is

remotely as controlled as mine was,

I can't help but think, maybe, you might be

exaggerating the extent of

your sexual activity.

Maybe it's a test.

Provocation.

From the Latin "provocatio."

A summoning, or a challenge.

So what? You think Cara and I just sit around

painting each other's fingernails and, what,

-playing board games all the time? -Do you?

I think we're getting, like, a little old

for all that. I mean, no one's

gonna arrest you, but...

it's a little weird.

You think that's maybe why you like Cara, too?

Because it's less weird

to be the younger version of yourself with her?

Stop downplaying it. I love her.

Is that part of why you love her?

I mean, she's innocent.

Like she grew up in a different time.

And her parents were so strict.

Like, no sugar, no...

no screen time, even during quarantine.

And she also just got a phone, and it's a flip phone.

-The horror. -(laughs) I know, right?

So what, do you two have to...

(gasps) Talk on the phone?

(scoffs)

We... we try.

When we can. Her parents and all.

And when you can't? How do you communicate?

Maybe it's stupid, but, um...

(laughs)

We're making a cypher.

A code.

Yeah. It'll be better when we can just...

talk to one another without other people

-caring about what we say. -Hm.

When we can just be...

open.

But that's not where we are right now, so...

Sounds like you both are locked down by your families

in different ways.

I see why you relate to each other.

Yeah. A few times, we figured out how to, like,

meet up at the overlook.

We'll just sit there and...

watch the city and come up with stories

and poems and-- I mean, this girl is, like,

so creative, Dr. Taylor.

She has, like, notebooks

of all of the stuff that we come up with,

and sometimes it's funny,

and we'll just, like, die laughing.

And other times, it's just really, like,

way out there. We'll just like let it flow.

We'll create these whole...

lives and worlds and, sometimes,

even make artwork to go along with it.

(laughs) I mean, it's-- it's really, like...

That sounds...

-sweet. -See?

I told you it's not weird.

I mean, it's like weird, but it's not like weird-weird.

So...

Laila's a storyteller.

Oh.

-That was, like, a little shady. -In what way?

Well, it sounds like you're calling me a liar.

I was only referring to the imagination

you clearly take pride in.

Mm. But...

Isn't a lie the product of imagination?

A very insightful observation. And very true.

Okay.

So...

I was in an accident.

Like, a car accident.

You peeped the Bentley I came in last time, right?

-She was cute? -Mm.

Well, she's gone.

-Sorry to hear that. -Yeah, I know, right?

She was pretty, but, like...

That's the thing with entertainers and artists.

All the good ones die young.

You wanna talk about what happened?

I don't know.

It was, like, pretty scary,

as accidents usually are.

How many car accidents have you been in?

Like a few.

They just happen so fast, you know?

One moment, you're thinking about one thing,

and then a second goes by, and then, like...

I mean, my first one was, like, the worst.

What happened?

My dad had just gotten me this Mercedes

for my sweet 16, which was... he was trying.

It was a totally fine car and everything.

I was really grateful for it.

Um... But yeah.

I was on the side of the road,

and, like, I'm not a mechanic or anything,

but, like, it was definitely totaled.

-Mm. -I'm okay.

Like, nothing's wrong, but...

I mean, I just, like, fully panicked.

You know, like, what was I gonna tell Jamal?

-Your father. -Yeah.

It's like something about having to tell him that

I fucked up...

But then, I just like hysterically started crying.

And when I got him on the phone,

this whole story

came out, and it was, like... (kiss)

It was perfect.

What did you tell him?

I told him that, like...

there was this kid going around school,

saying shit to people, and that he came up to me,

and he told me

to go back to Africa, go back to the ghetto.

And I just got, like,

really upset, and I, I wasn't thinking.

I left school, and...

I mean, I just needed to get out of there. I just...

drove right off the road and into a tree.

And was the "wasn't thinking" part,

-at the time, was that true? -Uh...

I'm sure I was thinking about something, but...

what, um,

mm, I couldn't tell you.

Driving takes a lot of presence.

A lot of focus.

Do you think that might be the cause of your accidents?

You're behind the wheel, but...

somewhere else?

Um...

Maybe. I-I don't know.

Do you find yourself up in your head a lot?

You know, daydreaming?

Well, how am I supposed to know that?

It's not like I'm watching myself think all the time.

Okay, I wanna go back to the story you told your dad.

Had that ever happened?

That kind of harassment?

Like that particular thing?

No. No, that, like,

that has never happened.

No. But that's just because...

the kids at my school, they're not...

you know...

They'll wear a Supreme hat instead.

But that psychotic bullshit

is deep embedded within their hearts, you know?

Like, has anyone ever come up to me

and called me a nigga to my face? No.

But that doesn't mean that they don't constantly

do it in every one of their actions.

I mean, the world is like a fucking hate crime, right?

Has anyone ever come up on me? No, not yet.

But that doesn't mean that I don't expect it all the time.

It's the tension. It's the worrying.

It-it's the fucking stress! I mean,

(scoffs) I mean fuck! Like...

You know, I wish a nigga would, actually!

Y-you wish you were the victim of a racist attack?

No. No, no, no. Not like...

a victim, no, but,

I mean, I've had thoughts about it.

Recurring dreams about racial trauma

are common for many Black people.

Oh, it's not, like, a dream.

A fantasy?

Well, isn't a fantasy supposed to...

be about, like, something good?

Sometimes they are, sometimes they aren't.

What do you see?

A woman.

Um...

Me and my grandma are outside of our house,

and there's this woman coming down the street towards us.

You know, and she's not, like, doing anything crazy,

but you can just like tell that there's like

something, you know, wrong with her.

-That's scary. -Yeah, it's...

it's terrifying.

And, um...

in this fantasy,

I have enough strength to...

pick up my grandma and toss her in the back of our Escalade.

My dad had gotten this Escalade

to feel like a G when I was like a little kid.

Like 2006 or something.

It got, like, two miles per gallon.

But, I have enough strength to pick up my grandma,

and I throw her in the back, and I just...

floor it.

And what about your father? Do you leave him behind?

Oh, he's, like...

not there. He's, like, never home.

-It's just you and your grandma. -Yeah.

Um...

(exhales sharply)

And so...

we're driving down the street,

and I look in the rearview mirror,

and that woman is, like, still coming towards us.

(scoffs) I mean, like...

Fuck. Like, even now, I can, like...

Um, like, feel the panic.

-But you know it's not real. -Yeah, but it's not the...

It's just like the panic of like

needing to get away, you know?

Um...

and like, uh, ahead of us...

is like this barricade that people have made with, um...

with couches and cars and...

Standing right in the middle of it is this, like, white guy

with a rifle. He takes one look at us and goes,

"Oh, you people cannot pass here."

(scoffs) And so, I just...

all of a sudden, just ram

straight into the barricade,

and the car just explodes.

But, I pull my grandma out before it does.

And the guy, I don't know. He, like...

trips on something, or he gets his foot stuck in something.

(laughs) And I don't help him.

Me and Grandma just watch him burn.

And it's not like I...

you know, fantasize about like starting a race war.

But when it comes to this white militia guy, it's just like...

I know that he's responsible for having fucked up

that woman that was standing in the middle of the road, right?

So people cheer when he dies. You know?

Are you gonna like say anything? Or...

I think you grew up in a world full of violence, and malice,

and nastiness, to Black women in particular.

I think your...

imagination is a coping strategy.

A healthy one.

And maybe that's true about Cara, too.

You know, you found someone

who helps you forget about yourself for a while.

I mean, I have it easier than anyone in my family.

I mean, not even that. Than, like,

most Black people in America,

so I'm not trying to like be sad about anything.

Why do you think your life is easy?

(scoffs) I mean,

because Jamal and Rhonda believe all of my stories.

Three days after I crashed my Mercedes, I got the Bentley.

And if that can't be fixed, then what?

I'll get a Lambo or something? I mean, we'll see.

It'll probably be really cute.

I have a hard time with the idea

that your Grandma always believes you.

Why?

I mean, she's like old. It's like so easy.

Well, for example,

I don't think you would've told her you were a lesbian

if you could've talked your way out of it.

Yeah, I guess so.

(scoffs) She kinda caught me on that one.

It seems like she is involved in every aspect of your life.

I received multiple emails from her this week,

regarding what she would like us to discuss in here.

-Yeah, sorry about that. -No, you don't have to apologize for her.

I just only tell you so you understand why I might question

some of your more vivid descriptions of your life.

I guess my question is...

whether you know your truth.

Yeah. That's the thing I love about Cara.

That exact thing.

Being with her is beyond truth.

-(scoffs) It-it's hard to put into words. -Try.

Well, I guess it's, um...

Kids used to wanna be

blood brothers and blood sisters, right?

They weren't literal family, but you didn't want a...

a "them" and a "you." You wanted an "us."

So, kids used to cut their palms and...

and let their wounds touch.

Their insides would touch,

but, like, not in, like,

a sex way or anything, but, like...

I mean, it's deeper than sex.

Parts that weren't supposed to touch...

touch.

And I guess that's...

how it feels being with Cara. It's this feeling of...

I mean, I would, like, die without her.

What do you mean?

It seems like there's something specific you're thinking about.

Um...

Yes and no.

You can tell me.

-You can trust me. -I know.

It's not that I don't wanna say it. It just...

Um...

I guess I'm just, like, a little...

-scared. -Scared of what?

(scoffs) Scared that...

that you'll try to, like, stop us.

Do you really believe that I could ever stop you

from doing something you really wanted to do?

-(phone buzzing) -Uh...

-Uh, that's Grandma. -(buzzing continues)

You gotta swear you won't tell her. Swear.

I won't tell your grandmother anything.

-(buzzing stops) -Okay.

Well...

Cara and I are planning on taking a trip.

-Okay. -To somewhere far away.

Just the two of us, to get away from everything for a while.

Or, like, maybe forever. (giggles)

(phone buzzing)

Shouldn't keep Rhonda waiting.

Mm-- That's it?

You don't believe me? It's happening. We're going.

Where?

-Um, well, I don't know exactly, um-- -When?

Well, we haven't gotten it all figured out yet, but--

So, we can discuss it next week.

-Yeah? I'll see you then? -But...

(doorbell rings)

♪ ♪

You know, if you don't believe

that I need to get the hell outta here,

then one day, you're gonna wake up, and Cara and I?

We're gonna be fucking gone.

-(door opens) -Rhonda: Didn't you see me calling you?

-Get your ass in that car. -(door slams)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪