Original subtitles

Fans at Ebbets Field by jumping all over their crosstown rivals, the Yankees,

and their 17-game-winner ''bullet'' Bob Turley,

for eight runs to gain their first victory in the subway series.

the dodgers were led by Roy Campanella, who cracked three hits and drove in three runs.

It's a fluke.

Gotta be a fluke. Them bum's are geriatrics.

Robinson's the youngest, and he's going on 65.

Huh, Billy? Uh-huh.

Dodgers' manager, Walt Alston, refused to panic, Starting Johnny Podres on the mound.

They better start whitey tonight.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, Johnny Podres.

Johnny-come-lately more like.

Bread rises faster than his fastball.

Happy birthday, Johnny.

Hi, I'm mike Wallace with a sensational shortening discovery...

for better baking and frying.

It's golden fluff-o.

Still, you have to give him some credit, this Podres kid.

Couldn't have been too easy for him, right?

What with the pressure and all.

Oh, you look like a million.

There.

Take a look.

Now, listen. It takes people a wee bit longer to warm up to you.

Just be patient. Patient and persistent.

You're gonna be great.

And those cases... they're heavy.

Hell, a lot of the guys... they're carryin' two cases with 'em.

Now, I admire your determination, but...

then the walking.

You understand what I'm gettin' at.

I just, uh... I don't see any way this can work.

Look, I'm sorry.

Thanks for comin' in.

All the October statements.

Mr. Hernandez!

Give me your worst route.

Give me the area nobody wants.

What have you got to lose?

If I can sell it, you're a hero.

Mr. Porter, let's be honest. This is a physically demanding job,

and you're... well... crippled, and I don't see how...

Ow. What?

* Some people say *

* A man is made out of mud *

* A poor man's made out of muscle and blood *

Praise the lord. * Muscle and blood and skin and bones *

* A mind that's weak and a back that's strong *

* You load 16 tons what do ya get *

* Another day older and deeper in debt *

Ya nervous? Yeah.

Oh, nuts! I was gonna make you a lunch.

No!

Oh, well, good for me. I guess I'm a little nervous too.

Yes, yes, you are.

Well, what are you waiting for? Them to come to the car?

Go sell some soap.

Meet you at 5:00. All right.

* Well, bless me soul ya load 16 tons what do ya get *

* Another day older and deeper in debt *

* St. Peter, don't ya call me 'cause I can't go *

* I owe my soul to the company store *

* I owe my soul to the company store *

Morning.

May I be candid with you?

The greatest value in our catalog is this double strength vanilla extract.

Uh-huh. It comes in the four-ounce...

That's right! That's right!

That's right! I told ya I'd call the cops!

Oh, my god! Look what they're doing! Larry!

We got a call? Officer, I have done the research.

It's hanging over our property. The law says...

Do you see my feet? That's pine tar. I've got white carpeting.

I've got a sticky green path from the front door...

Rhonda, look where your front door is! Look where the tree is!

What kind of people would do this to a tree? They butchered it!

- Will you stop? - You do not have the right to tell...

I have tried gasoline and turpentine. It smells like a garage.

It's our side of the property. The tree is on the property line!

You planted it in the wrong spot.

If you'd asked us before you planted that stupid...

Yeah? Good morning.

My name is Bill Porter. I would like to take a moment...

of your time to tell you about some of the many...

fine Watkins products available.

and, of course, they all come...

with a 100% money-back guarantee.

I don't think so.

Who is it? Some charity guy.

Get ready to go now... Don't let the dog out.

Yeah? My name is Bill Porter. I represent...

Peanut, would you shut the hell up? Go on! Sit!

Sheri, would you get your damn dog?

I swear to god. What?

My name is Bill Porter. I was wondering...

If I could take a moment of your time to show you...

some of the many fine Watkins products.

Joey, I told you to put your pants on.

Hi there. I once had a fish named Joey.

Oh, shoot. Grab him, would you?

Sheri, your damn dog got out! Damn it!

I'm in the bathroom! Peanut! Come here!

Peanut, come here! Come on, Peanut! God, Peanut!

May I be candid with you?

The greatest value in our catalog...

is the double strength vanilla extract.

It comes in the four-, eight- and twelve-ounce sizes.

Obviously, the twelve-ounce is the best value.

I really don't need anything.

But I respect what you're doing so much, um...

Here. I'd like to help you.

Oh. Oh, please, take it.

I don't need charity.

But you need spot remover.

Look at your couch. It's appalling.

No solicitors.

I'm from the Watkins company. What? No solicitors.

What? What?

I'm from the Watkins company.

No, no, no. Rules.

I don't know. I'm kind of tired of egg salad, you know?

Here. Let me get that for ya.

Thanks.

May I be candid with you?

Oh. Yes.

No, candid. May I be candid?

Oh, absolutely.

In my experience, the greatest value in our catalog...

is the triple action laundry detergent.

at 3.95 a box...

you can see what a great savings that is.

How many may I put you down for?

Two.

- Really? - And a large bleach.

Um...

May I ask you to fill in the order for me?

Oh, of course. Would you like a drink?

Thank you.

Oh!

I'm sorry. I put a little vodka in there. Is it too much for you?

I probably shouldn't.

I walk like a drunken sailor as it is.

I wouldn't feel good about myself...

if I didn't tell you about our fabric softener.

Oh, I must have walked ten miles today.

Now, Billy, don't push yourself so hard.

You must be patient. You can't expect...

- I made a sale. - You did?

Yeah! Almost $50!

Wow! See? You can do anything.

- I can do this. - I know you can.

I made $4.25 today,

And I'm gonna blow every penny of it.

I'm taking you out on the town.

* Why do fools fall in love why do birds sing *

I took a sip.

It was vodka. What did you do?

What could I do? I swallowed it.

Billy, this is for you...

it being your first day.

Dad's watch.

Dad's watch!

Quit it. They gave it to him in the grand ballroom...

at the drake hotel.

- He doesn't care. He's a retard. - How do you know?

I bought a dress for $23. Your father near had a heart attack.

Chicago was all lit up...

Excuse me.

Could I borrow your ketchup, please?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I must be a retard or something.

Told you not to call him that.

What are you laughing at? And the world's fair.

Peterson had a display there.

Your dad was top salesman three years running.

He was an amazing salesman.

Amazing. He could sell you the ring off your own finger.

And what a handsome man.

Oh, what a time we had.

He was a very handsome man.

And you look just like him.

* Why do fools fall in-- *

My point in telling you this long story is that if anyone should ever call you...

and say, ''is Peter Rabbit there?''

Don't hang up. It's me.

So I've had many ups and downs in show business.

What are you watching? I don't know.

But he's funny. Who is that?

- Come here. - It's Jack Paar.

He looks different. Must be his hair or something. Where are my glasses?

Well, I'm going to bed. I'm a working man now.

This could be the biggest thing in television today.

Excuse me, working man.

Pick up that glass. I let the servants go early tonight.

What was that one thing that kept you off the top?

I didn't marry Lucille Ball.

I can see the show now... I love Poofy. It would have been great.

I can see the tremendous effort you're putting into this.

I know it can't be easy, but, uh, you're not even close.

It's only been four days.

I understand, but the average... you're gonna have to hit at least...

I'm building. It takes time.

- I know that, but... - Just give me till the end of the month.

We had a complaint...

from a woman on Chestnut Street.

She said you scared her little boy. You can see my problem.

Best chocolate...

Hi! My name is Lyle.

You can call me Lyle or Glyle or Mr. Pyle.

But whatever you do, don't smile.

- You better not smile. -Who is it, Joey?

Mr. Pyle! Hmm?

Mr. Pyle.

What the hell? Come on in.

Hey. This is really a lovely home.

Mom!

Mother!

Want to go to a few more houses?

Let's go. What are you going to say?

He's a hobo. I can tell with that hat.

Mrs. Warren, have you seen my mother? No, not today.

I've got some wonderful candy.

No! She is missing. You don't understand.

I don't know. I was at work.

At work!

Well, how long do we have to wait...

before we can file the...

Hold on.

Thank you. Thank you very much. I'm fine. Thank you.

I'll walk you in. No, it's all right. You don't have to see me in.

They said you were on Washington Street.

What were you doing over there?

Just some shopping. I wanted some shoes. Did you eat?

There aren't any shoe stores on Washington Street.

Well, I got turned around, and it got dark,

and I ended up on Washington Street.

I'm going to fix some lamb chops.

Would you set the table? Sorry I worried you, Billy.

Why didn't you call?

Mom?

I couldn't remember our number.

Oh!

Billy, I think there's something wrong with me.

This man just showered with a new kind of soap.

New lifebuoy mint refresher, a soap so loaded with mint,

so tangy, so frosty, it drives wives...

Wicked.

Soap has never smelled this good before.

New lifebuoy mint refresher, drives wives...

Wicked.

A northwest mountie.

He's been trailing this desperate character for three years.

* Relief is just a swallow away *

* Down, down, down the stomach through *

I wouldn't leave you, Bill. Thanks, Benny.

Runnin' a little late this morning.

Yeah, that's fine.

Morning, sir. There you go.

Monarch Plaza Hotel. Mornin', Bill.

How's the baby? Oh, much better.

I got one for ya. Lay it on me.

Traveling salesman passes a farmhouse.

He sees a pig with a wooden leg.

He says to the farmer, ''what's with the wooden leg?''

Farmer says, ''well, that's a very special pig.

''A few months back, our house caught fire.

The pig came and woke us up and saved my whole family.''

So the salesman says...

''but why the wooden leg?'' ''Hold on,'' the farmer says.

''My little girl was playing in the road,

''and one of those logging trucks lost his brakes.

The pig ran out and dragged her to safety.''

''That's amazing,'' says the salesman, ''but why the wooden leg?''

''Well,'' says the farmer, ''you don't eat a pig like that all at once.''

That's good. That's real good. I'm gonna remember that one.

''You don't eat a pig like that all at once.''

Did you have breakfast? Yeah.

What did you have? Because you look thin.

A couple of chickens and a Delmonico steak.

Pass me that newspaper.

Ow!

Dotty's girl is getting married.

Oh.

He's a mechanic. Do I know her?

Dotty, next door.

Oh, Dotty, Dotty. Tsk!

I have to get to work.

Yes, I have to go now too. No, mom, you can't.

I am. I'm going home. No, you have to stay here.

Why? Because why. You know why.

Th... th... they care for you here.

Okay. You'll come home this weekend.

I'll see you tonight.

Billy? Give her the Havilland tea set.

- Who? - That girl... for the wedding.

I'll see you tonight.

You got the checkbook? Yeah. Of course I do.

Good morning. We can't right now, Bill. We're late.

Bill. Bill, are you going next door? Yeah.

Would you tell those people... you see this?

This is the number for animal control!

If they do not shut up that stupid dog...

Bill! Bill! Could you do me a favor?

Could you explain to him that's not our dog? That's the Wylers' dog.

I've been over that a hundred times. I've told them that.

It is not the Wylers' dog. It is a yapping dog.

- The Wylers have a collie. - This is a yapping dog.

And, Bill, they want to talk about noise?

Tell them that they can close the damn window if they're gonna play the hi-fi.

Are they deaf?

Every night, it's 2:00, 3:00 in the morning. This dog is yap, yap, yap.

How can you live like that? How many times can you listen to ''my boyfriend's back''?

- He's back! - Yap, yap, yap!

- There's gonna be trouble. - Yap, yap, yap, yap.

You can bet there's gonna be trouble. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

Tree mutilators. Yap, yap, yap, yap, yap, yap.

Reardon sets the screen for him, an outlet pass.

That's a 16-foot set jumper. He's not gonna miss that.

I don't think your doorbell is... is... Oh, man!

They're still good to go, and he gets the layup.

Hey, Bill! You goin' to the bus? Hop in. I'll give you a ride!

- That's all right, Mr. winters. - I'm going right by there.

- That's all right. Thank you. - Don't be stupid. Get in!

Mrs. Kotlarenko! Mr. Porter, your mother is eating dinner.

Where? She's good, nice dinner. In the back. She's good.

Everything good. Oh, shh.

He be okay. Epilepsy. That's all.

Where's my mother's suitcase? Suitcase?

We're leaving. Yes, we're leaving.

There are cold cuts in the refrigerator for lunch.

- She'll be fine. - Mama?

I'll be home about 7:00.

Mrs. Warren is gonna check in with ya.

Sshe'll make you lunch.

Mama, please! Just go.

Don't worry about her. I'll keep an eye on her.

I'm gonna do some cleaning, Billy.

This place is a mess.

Yeah.

Good morning! My name is Bill Porter.

I'm with the Watkins company. You're a salesman?

- Yeah. - No, thank you. I don't need anything.

- Are these orchids? - Yes.

They're hard to grow. I know. I've tried.

Uh-oh. You have a spot of something on your shirt.

Our laundry detergent is concentrated, so in just one...

Hi. Hey.

- You off to school? - Yep.

Good morning. Good morning.

- I'm Bill Porter. - Brad Gutierrez.

- You live in the neighborhood? - He rents a room from me.

Guys, I need you to step outside. I need to spray in here.

That stuff's gonna kill you. Thank you. Go outside. Smoke a cigarette.

I hate that stuff.

It's for bugs? Yeah.

Has he tried peppermint soap?

I don't think so.

What about this?

You spray that stuff...

Bye.

I will. Okay. Bye.

Athens, Morocco, someplace else.

It's very sweet of him, but what am I going to do all by myself on a boat?

Your son sounds like a very generous man.

I think he feels guilty.

Why?

I never see him.

This is a Buddhist monk who has poured gasoline... but he's busy.

On himself and set himself on fire. You know?

He just...

Oh, my... he's burning to death.

Oh, my god. What is he doing? Oh, dear god!

- He's protesting the war. - But why do they...

why do they show that... why do they put that on the television?

Throw Buddhist leaders in jail by the dozens.

I made some orange juice. It's fresh squeezed.

No, thank you. I have to go.

Uh, Bill?

Um...

What is that tonic that I like so much?

Beef and iron. Yes.

Could you order me some of that and that drain cleaner?

- You're out of that? - Yes.

Oh, and the dog biscuits... the large size.

Mom?

Mrs. Warren?

Mama?

You see? Now I have the proof.

Can you bring those suitcases in for us? Sure.

My glasses? Here, mom.

I can't... honey. My glasses? They're in your purse.

It looks really nice, doesn't it?

They gave you lots of linens.

I'm a burden.

What?

I'm a burden on you.

Well, now we're even.

Three traveling salesmen...

they're driving through the country. Their car breaks down.

They go to the farmhouse.

The farmer says, ''you can spend the night, but there's only one bed.''

the next morning, the guy on the right-hand side said,

''I had the weirdest dream.

I dreamed that someone was, you know, playing with me in the night.''

the guy on the left-hand side says, ''I had the same dream. Somebody was playing with me.''

The guy in the middle says, ''really ? I dreamed I was skiing.''

That's all right. I like that one. Come on. Let me do your shoes.

That's funny. I like that. I'm gonna be telling that one.

L-3 and 4, L-4 and 5, L-5, S-1.

You see how these disks are all compressed? That's what giving you the pain.

You still making your own deliveries? Uh-huh.

- You're gonna have to stop doin' that. - I gotta make the deliveries.

Hire someone. You're looking at spinal stenosis you keep going the way you're going.

I want you to wear a brace for a few weeks,

and I'm writing you a prescription for the inflammation.

Take this seriously, Bill.

You don't take care of your back, it's only a matter of time, you won't be walkin'.

How's your mother? She's hangin' in.

How was the tomato sauce? It was really good.

I'm gonna put you down for some more. Okay.

We also have a tarragon dill dressing. You're gonna love it.

Yeah? Hi, I'm here to see Bill Porter.

That's me. You're here about the job? Uh, yeah.

Come on in.

Um, uh, is this deliveries in a car?

Yeah. Come on in. Sit down.

I don't want to use my car for too much driving.

It said ''must have car'' in the paper.

It just, uh, my car, um... this isn't what I'm looking for.

How about shuttin' the door?

Good morning! Good morning.

You look good.

Arkansas versus Texas.

To the halfback on the right. It's a touchdown!

This is new. It's got eucalyptus.

I'm so proud of you.

That was a beautiful speech you made.

Funny.

Oh, Earnest, that was a wonderful speech.

We had to do a cardiac catheterization.

The full amount? No.

Uh, 400? You know, Bill,

With your condition, you could collect disability.

- I'm working. - I know, but I'm saying if you weren't working.

But I am working.

I just want to make sure that you're aware of what's available to you.

- I have a job! - I know.

I'm a salesman... for Watkins!

I know you are.

- Oh, Bill. - Hi, Larry.

I thought you were, uh... n-nobody's here.

We don't need anything. Larry, I borrowed your... oops.

Uh, hey, uh, between us guys, huh?

oh, boy.

Hi, Bill!

Okay, honey, let's get you into bed. I gotta get back to work.

I threw up. The whole class has it.

Um, um, Dr. Stewart is home. I can take Kimmy there.

Oh, no, no, no, it's nothing. It's just the stomach flu.

I wouldn't mind. That's okay, Bill.

- Thanks. - Charlotte!

Um...

I think I should take her.

* Anyone who ever loved *

* Could look at me * Son of a...

* and know that I love you * All right, would you bring her across the street, would you?

Kimmy? Kimmy, honey, you go with Bill to Mrs. Turner's house, okay?

Why? Well, because... because I...

I don't know, honey. Just go. I need you to go, okay?

Tell her I'll be right there. * Knowing I love you *

* so *

* anyone who had a heart *

* would take me in his arms * I threw up pancakes and bananas.

* and love me too * That's a good combination.

* you couldn't really have a heart *

* and hurt me like you've hurt me and be so *

* untrue *

* what am I to do *

* every time you go away *

* I always say *

* this time it's good-bye, dear *

* loving you the way I do I'd take you back *

* without you I'd die, dear *

Hey, Ralphy!

Hey, man... look, pal!

I don't know what to tell you. I don't want anything.

I'm never gonna want anything. Don't come back here, all right?

All right. Merry Christmas from all of us at Watkins.

I'm gonna bring some rawhide samples for Clifford.

They're good for when he's teething.

God damn it! Well, that had frost burn.

* Anyone who had a heart would take me in his arms *

Where's Brad? Brad who? I don't know any Brad.

Let me tell you this. I'm a grown-up.

I deserve to have an adult relationship.

I am honest with people, and I deserve honesty in return.

It doesn't terrify me to have a joint checking account.

It's not like I'm asking for monogrammed towels.

I treat people with respect, and I deserve not to be humiliated.

A math teacher.

A bald, 50-year-old math teacher.

How pathetic is that.

For two cents, I'd call his wife.

Does he have someplace to go?

I don't know, and I don't care.

Merry Christmas from Watkins.

It's got a magnet on the back.

It'll stick to your refrigerator.

Yeah. Thanks.

Brad's young. People make mistakes.

You two guys are good together.

Merry Christmas, Bill.

Merry Christmas, Alan.

* Chestnuts roasting on an open fire *

* jack frost nipping at your nose *

* yuletide carols being sung *

* by the fire * there you go.

* and folks dressed up * Thank you.

* like Eskimos * And... this is for you.

* everybody knows * You shouldn't have done that.

* a turkey and some mistletoe * Thank you.

I... I have something for you. * help to make the season bright *

Oh!

How sweet. There's a magnet on the back.

It'll stick to your refrigerator. Oh!

I need a calendar.

Are you sure I can't ask you to stay for some eggnog?

No, thanks.

Are you all set for Christmas? Uh-huh.

Have you got your turkey? Twelve pounds.

Food fair gives them to you for free when you buy $50 worth of groceries.

Oh, I'll have to do that next time.

Are you having your family over?

No, not really. You?

No, no, they're going skiing this year.

That sounds nice. Colorado, I think.

Hmm. Hmm.

* To kids from one *

Well... * to 92 *

* although *

* it's been said * Merry Christmas, Bill.

* many times * You, too, Mrs. Sullivan.

* many ways *

* Merry * Oh, let me get that.

* Christmas *

* to *

* you *

Ow!

Ow. Ow.

Oh, let me help you.

That's all right. I'm all right. I'm here for the interview.

I'm Shelly Soentpiet.

- Oh, yeah. - Let me get your bag.

Just put it on the table. Are you sure? I could put it away for you.

No, that's all right. Okay.

So, what do you have?

Excuse me? Your affliction.

Your... why do you talk like that?

Cerebral palsy. Oh.

- How do you get that? - From birth.

The doctor squeezed my head with the forceps.

- It's not catching.

So... what's the job? Just, um, shopping and deliveries...

and general assistance? Yeah.

You've got a bulb out. You got an extra bulb?

Under the sink.

Oh, okay. So... let's see.

Um, I go to western.

Okay student. Um, don't smoke.

Don't drink. Don't like it. Don't have a choice. We're Mormon.

And clearly I'm good with electronics.

So, do I have the job?

Hello?

Yes.

Thank you.

''The desert shall rejoice and blossom as the rose. It shall blossom abundantly...

''and rejoice even with joy and singing. * You are *

''the glory of Lebanon shall be given unto it, * so beautiful *

''the excellency of Carmel and Sharon,

''and they shall see the glory of the lord... * to me *

''and the excellency of our god.

''strengthen ye the weak hands and firm the feeble knees. * you are *

* so beautiful * ''say to them that are of fearful heart,

'be strong and fear not.'''

* to me *

* can't you see *

all of our food and spices... * everything I hoped for *

are 100% organic.

But... * you're everything I need *

May I be completely candid with you? Cool.

I think... * you are so beautiful *

I feel... * to me *

* you are so beautiful * I feel that...

are you all right?

our greatest value... * to me *

* you are so beautiful * I'm sorry.

I'll come back another time.

Is there something I can... No!

* to me *

I'm sorry. * can't you see *

* you're everything I hope for *

* everything I need *

* you are so beautiful *

* to me *

* what I want *

Good run? Yeah, it was great.

Can I take a shower here? I need to go to class right after. Sure.

This is what I was talking to you about. They make 'em for the home.

It's a personal computer.

You can do everything on it...

all the accounting, all the billing...

I like my typewriter.

It never breaks down.

I finally finished that paper. What a bear.

Good for you!

* Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh * * Oh, yeah *

* On a night when bad dreams become a screamer *

* when they're messin' with the dreamer *

* I can laugh it in the face *

* twist and shout my way out *

* and wrap yourself around me *

* 'cause I ain't the way you found me *

* and I'll never be the same *

* ah, yeah well, 'cause you *

* ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh * * mm-hmm, you make my dreams *

Hi. Hey, how you doin'? Where do you want these?

- Uh, over there. - Okay.

Come here, boy. Come here.

Here you go, Bill. Thanks, Brad.

Clifford. That's a boy.

You need anything else?

Yes, some of that dishwashing detergent and...

- We have dishwashing detergent. - No, I used it up.

- Yeah, under the sink. - Alan, I used it.

If you fight, I'm gonna separate you.

I'm gonna put you down for a four-pound box.

- Anything else to go? - Yeah, those go into the van too.

- Hi, Jerry. - Hey, Bill.

What did the doctor say? It's bizarre. It's some kind of cancer.

Kaposi's sarcoma.

Some skin cancer that only really old people are supposed to get.

- He'll be okay. - He's young. He'll be fine.

Ah, here's what we need.

Shelly, take that catalog away from him.

- You love this stuff. - No buying.

He's right. You love this stuff.

Those two are like an old married couple. They've been together forever.

What do you mean?

You mean...

That's not right. That's a sin.

If you can find somebody to love, I think that's a good thing.

Well, we don't believe in it.

God made all of us, Shelly.

He doesn't make mistakes.

How's Kimmy?

Oh, she's doing good. She's good.

Her father's got her this weekend.

Listen, Bill. Tell him to put a timer on his porch light.

I chased some kids out of there. He just rattles around in that house.

I don't know why he doesn't just sell it. Is he seeing anyone?

I'm sure I don't know.

I think Rhonda's death was really hard on Bob.

Yeah, well, we all take our knocks, don't we?

Life goes on.

Geez. What's with her?

Well, it's kind of a long story, but...

you see that tree?

All right. I'll pick you up at a quarter to. No!

Will you stop? I'm gonna be here at a quarter of 8:00, and you better be ready.

I don't want you spending your money. La-la-la. I can't hear you.

And I'm putting on a dress, for your information.

* Lookin' for some hot stuff baby, this evenin' *

* I need some hot stuff * I think his parents are very...

Oh, thank you. Happy birthday.

* baby, this evenin' * Oh, wait.

* gotta have some hot stuff * Makes your wish come true.

So make a wish.

* I need hot stuff *

* I want some hot stuff * Yea!

Come here, birthday boy.

- You know what? - What?

I'm really proud of you tonight. Why?

You haven't tried to sell laundry detergent to one person here.

I was gonna hit 'em up on the way out.

* lookin' for a lover who needs another *

You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

* wanna share my love *

Do you know that?

* wanna bring a wild man back home *

* gotta have some hot love *

Hey, don't get all mushy on me.

Yeah.

- Come on. - Where?

Come on. Come on. * gotta have some lovin' *

No. No. * got to have some love *

* tonight *

* I need hot stuff * No, no, no, no.

It'll make you feel good. I don't think so.

Yeah, yeah. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Unbutton, okay?

* sittin' here eatin' my heart out, waitin' *

* waitin' for some lover to come *

* dialed about a thousand numbers, baby *

* almost rang the phone off the wall *

* lookin' for some hot stuff baby, this evenin' * Yeah!

* I need some hot stuff baby, tonight *

Joseph Sloan.

- Shelly Soentpiet. - Yea!

Stephen Squall.

Took me six years, but I finally did it! Yea!

I'm proud of you. Oh, thank you.

Where's... I wanted you to meet John.

Who's John? Hey, missy!

We did it! So listen. Yeah.

Mom and dad are gonna take you to the restaurant... Oh, whoa!

Thought I lost you there. Hey.

Hi. Congratulations.

Thanks. John, this is... Bill Porter.

Of course. The boss. It's great to finally meet you. It's nice to meet you, John.

- Two degrees. Isn't he annoying?

You know what? We should go.

- We're gonna ride with John's dad, right? - Yeah.

My folks will take you over.

- Okay. - All right. Thanks for coming.

We'll meet you at the restaurant. Bye. Okay. Bye.

There they are. Oh!

Eww! This is turning into a science project.

Eww. I don't even know what that was.

Has John decided which offering he's going to take?

- He's leaning towards Bendix. - Where are they?

- Chicago. - Chicago?

I know. I can't even think about that.

When? I don't know.

Damn it! What?

The... the ''b'' sticks.

Get rid of that thing. We should get a computer.

- I can't afford a computer. - Yes, you can.

John can get one real cheap. You can do everything on it. I don't like them.

We have electricity and indoor plumbing now, Bill.

We should just toss that piece of...

Hey, I did those already. What?

The orders, I already did them. Here.

- Why? - I had some time, so...

- I do the orders. - I know that, but...

- I do the order forms. - But it takes you so long. I just thought that...

- I don't want you to do them! - All right.

- I have my own way! - All right.

I have to read them, so I have to write them.

You're not helping me, Shelly.

If you think you're helping me, you're not.

I'm sorry.

It's just I have a certain way.

I'm not talking about the forms.

Oh.

Thanks very much. I appreciate it. Hey, Bill!

Hey, Chuck! Congratulations.

Thanks. Thanks very much. Peter. Peter.

I'd like you to meet Bill Porter. Peter Schaefer.

Nice to meet you. Peter's taking over for me.

- Welcome to Watkins. - Thank you.

- We're gonna miss this guy. - Hey, porter!

Excuse me.

Geez, what's he do? He's a salesman.

Seriously? I am serious.

You see what happened to Frigidaire? He's a salesman.

For us? Yeah.

Whose idea was that? Mine.

You are so full of...

You get a dollar a year for 5,000 years.

Congratulations, Chuck.

Thanks, Tom.

And thanks, everybody, for 43 great years.

Thank you. Yeah.

And, Chuck, you stay retired. I don't want to catch you over at Fuller.

Only if they'd pay me to fly-fish.

...tops, like Bardot.

Well, I mean, maybe not exactly, right?

But her lips, you know? So I take the lid off,

and she leans over the couch to smell the stuff.

And, whoa, kinda... whew! There is one person we recognize as...

and I'm staring at two of the most exquisite,

perfectly shaped, porcelain white Tatas, huh? The 1989...

She's smelling the stuff, salesman of the year award goes to...

and I say to myself... Bill Porter!

- It's you! You won! - What?

Salesman of the year! Get up there! Whoo!

Come on up here, Bill.

All right.

- Congratulations. - Thank you.

We are so proud to have you as a part of this company.

This past year Bill had sales...

of $42,460.

- Bill Porter, salesman of the year.

I love being a salesman.

My father was a salesman.

I wish he could be here.

And my mother, who taught me...

patience and persistence...

and who would never let me be ashamed...

I wish she could be here today.

Thank you.

Bill!

Congratulations.

Take it to that house over there, okay? It's not too heavy?

Wait. Hold on. This is messed up.

Bill, you labeled that wrong. It's all right.

No, you've got Bob at 825 Elm.

That's Charlotte's. No, it's all right.

- So what do you want me to do with the box? - To Bob.

- Should I change the label? - No.

- Bill... - Could someone tell me where to take this box?

Please take it to that house. Thank you, Michelle.

- Okay. - Okay, fine.

It's wrong, but fine.

* Holdin' back the years *

* a chance for me to escape from all I know *

* holdin' back the tears *

- * there's nothing here has grown * - This must be yours.

Bill got the address wrong.

Hmm. * I've wasted all my tears *

I'll just leave it right here.

* wasted all those years * Wait.

* nothing had the chance to be good *

* nothing ever could, yeah * It's just, uh... it's just junk mail,

but you might want it or whatever.

* oh, oh, oh * You want me to take this in the house for you?

* I'll keep holdin' on * Okay.

* I'll keep holdin' on *

Oh.

I've got a wall there.

Th-this is better. Larry... Larry took that down.

Hmm. I see you got the barbecue sauce. Yeah.

Have you tried the lemon garlic? No.

Is it good?

I don't know. Bill says it is.

* wasted all of those years *

Put it on that table.

- Yes? - I'm looking for Mrs. Sullivan.

Are you a friend of hers?

She's a customer. I'm with the Watkins company.

I'm her daughter-in-law.

Gladys passed away last week.

I didn't know she was sick.

- I'm sorry. - How did she die?

It was an accident... some kind of reaction To the medication she was taking.

It was vodka and sleeping pills.

- Frank, they don't know that. - Are you Bill Parker?

Bill Porter.

Come here. I want to show you something.

She talked about you...

a lot.

Every year at Christmas, no matter what else we'd get, we'd get...

the Watkins spice collection, soup bases,

the liniment.

Dog biscuits.

Damn dog died years ago.

Excuse me.

Hey, Bill. What do you think? Very nice, Richard.

It was supposed to have been done months ago. You guys are up on two now.

Okay. You got a card? You need a security card.

Could you take your hat off, please, sir?

You gotta do it fast.

Bingo.

Have a good one.

Allspice, right? Basil, bay leaves, caraway...

pretty cool, huh? Oh, hello, Peter.

What is this? This is all the 800 number.

Makes us door-to-door guy look like dinosaurs.

You know each operator's selling 300 to 500 an hour?

They're taking orders. They aren't selling.

When you cash a check, George Washington looks the same.

Yeah. There's Clark.

Italian pepper, celery seed. We have cilantro.

a lot of The door-to-door guys are moving over.

I've never done well on the phone.

Women find my voice sexy, and I think it distracts them.

Well, you're getting close to retirement anyway.

Not really. Where's the door-to-door office?

Uh, I think it's down there.

Thank you!

* Snow whirling round the sky *

* sixty to six on the eye * Is Rita here?

Rita? Uh, I don't know Rita.

She... she runs the door-to-door division.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Uh, she's gone, I think.

Who took her place?

I don't know. I was just told to organize this stuff.

I need product cards for the new catalog.

Okay. Cool. No problem.

No, I have the new catalog.

I need the product cards.

Okay. You know what? I have no idea what that means.

But they're probably here somewhere, so...

just check in some of these boxes.

* so I told him there's 17 floors and a job on the top *

* I'm lookin' in the mirror seein' my girl stop *

* I think you gone too far *

* you drive a faster car and he says *

Race ya.

Hey, no running, guys! Slow down!

Hey!

- Bill! - Hi! Hi!

Hi, Bill. Hi.

Easy, guys. Off the bed, please.

No, that's all right. What? Guess what.

- You have to close your eyes. - Bill does not want...

No, that's all right. My eyes are closed.

Ready?

So stupid. Okay.

- Okay, that's enough. - You can have it. It's a present.

I'm sure Bill will cherish that always.

- Thank you. - Michelle, will you take 'em to the lounge?

Get some juice out of the machine. Bye, Bill.

- Bye! - Bye!

Bye-bye!

So, they finally called us back.

The insurance company? Yep. They won't budge.

They're still maintaining that some of your condition was preexisting.

We can take them to arbitration. I don't know.

They're digging up x-rays from ten years ago.

We've gotta go after the bus company.

- No, no, no! - With the deductible, they're only willing to cover 22,000.

- John's right. We have to... - It was my fault.

I was crossing in the middle of the block.

It doesn't matter, Bill. Buses aren't supposed to hit people.

- It wasn't their fault. - Pedestrians have the right of way.

- No! - Okay, fine!

Then you owe the hospital $18,000.

Which account do you want me to take that out of? And it's not over.

The insurance company's covering about half.

You've still got physical therapy and home care.

You're looking at $40,000 to $50,000.

I'm gonna sell the house.

- What? - It's too big, and it costs too much to keep up.

- Where are you gonna go? - Someplace smaller.

Okay. I think we can settle with the bus company.

- No! - Just for expenses, out of court.

I'm gonna sell the house.

It's the right thing to do.

Very funny, Bill.

Sorry.

It's the equivalent of eight boxes.

It's super concentrated.

It comes out to about three cents a load.

But may I be candid? It's our best value.

Uh-huh.

It's most effective when used with the colorfast bleach...

and the fabric softener.

They're designed to work together.

Uh-huh.

Is the fabric softener scented? I hate the scented.

I do too.

Ours is very mild.

It's practically unscented.

Uh.

Okay, wait! Will you wait!

Fall and break your neck, I'm gonna break your neck.

It's good to be here.

Yeah? Good. I'm glad.

All right. Let me take your coat.

Okay. Look at that.

Do you like it? Yeah.

Good. I figured that the couch would be your base of operation.

But if you wanted someplace different, just... no, this is good.

Okay, good.

I stocked you up.

Are you hungry? I'm gonna make some soup.

No. You should get back to the kids. No. I'm hungry.

I'm gonna make myself some soup.

- Shelly? - Yeah.

- I'm gonna have to let you go. - Go? Go where?

I can't pay you, at least until I go back to work.

I knew you were gonna say that. Don't start with me, okay?

- I can get around. - Oh, please.

What? I have to go to the kitchen,

go to the bathroom, pretty much in that order.

- I'll reduce my hours. - I can't pay you.

- You don't have to. - No. No.

You're unbearable! All right.

Fine. I'm not your assistant. I'm your friend.

And your friend is gonna stop by every day to say hello.

now I'm gonna make a friendly bowl of soup.

Under the couch. What?

Look under the couch.

Initial here.

And sign here.

Well, congratulations.

The market's been so flat these days. I'm very happy you got your price.

Why would a corporation want this house?

Investment property. I think it's a tax thing.

What's the name of the corporation? The name isn't...

Oh, that's my fault. I got the name wrong. I'll fill that in later.

Now, good news. I'll be the leasing agent on this house.

Have you found a place yet? No.

Well, I was thinking maybe you could lease this back, just stay here.

How much would the rent be?

What would you feel comfortable with?

You think I'm stupid? Do I think?

I know you're stupid. I don't want charity.

It's not charity. It's an investment.

Then why didn't you tell me? Why? Why do you think?

I am not going to let you buy my house.

Well, it's too late because you signed the papers, so...

Bill, wait. Wait, wait.

You deceived me. You treat me like a child. I do not!

I treat you like someone I care about,

someone who's important to me.

you're part of my family.

No, Shelly. You have a family.

I hired you, and you treat me with disrespect.

You treat me like a cripple.

You are a cripple! An emotional cripple.

Normal people help each other!

You're so hung up on your independence!

''I don't need anybody.'' Yeah, like that's normal?

That doesn't make you normal. That makes you a freak!

You don't want our help? Fine!

Then be out of the house in 30 days.

Do you want me to call you a cab?

I'm calling you a cab! God!

Whatever you wanna do. That's great. All right.

Good. Good.

Yeah, I think that'll be possible. Mm-hmm. All right.

That's all right.

The whole internet right at my fingertips.

It's like the news has brightened.

I've got it now. I can stay closer to my family.

You've got mail. America online. Easy to use.

Friendly menus. Put in the disk, click, you're on-line.

You finished, hon? Could be.

Anything else? No, just the check.

You a salesman? No, I'm a dinosaur.

You're a dancer? Yeah.

I'm a dancer. Disco mostly.

Well, you go, boy.

Watkins. Can I help you?

- Hey. Hi. Sorry. - Oh.

I didn't know which apartment... you're Bill Porter, right?

- Yeah. - Hi. I'm Joey Wallace, Portland Daily News.

- Hi. - Sorry I scared you there. I guess we're even.

- How do you mean? - You scared me when I was a little kid, remember?

- Um... - You had that hand puppet... Kyle Pyle.

Wallace. 362 Chestnut.

You've got an amazing memory. That's very impressive.

- May I... - No, I... I have to go.

I'll get to the point, then. I want to write a story about a door-to-door salesman,

uh, last of a dying...

um, the loss of a tradition.

- No. - It wouldn't necessarily have to be just about you.

- Thank you, but no. - Take my card, then? If you change your mind...

I guess this is where I'm supposed to plant my foot To keep you from closing the door.

Don't do that. That never works. I have to go.

That's the kind of thing I thought we could talk about.

Hi.

Can I come in?

Hmm, nice. I love what you've done with the place.

Very funny, Shelly. What do you want?

There were three boxes that were never delivered. What should I do with them?

Can you deliver them for me? Oh!

- You want me to help you? - I'll pay you.

Oh, I see. So that's how it works.

Forget it. I'll take care of it myself.

Shut up! Of course I'll deliver the boxes.

- I'll take care of it, I said. - Fine.

Fine. They're in my car. I'll leave 'em by the front door.

So you quit your job, huh?

- You're a celebrity. - I said no. I didn't want him to write that.

Listen, Bill. I...

I've been thinking about, you know, the fight we had...

and, um, maybe I said some...

things that...

and then you go and quit your job, and I thought...

no, no, no. We both said things.

And the job...

it was time.

- What are you gonna do? - I'm gonna take up kickboxing.

It's a nice article. You should read it.

''I never really took notice until he wasn't there anymore,

''this odd man with the funny walk...

''and the briefcase and his hat set just so.

One day he just stopped coming.''

These damn chilblains are killing me.

My hands are so dry. I've tried everything.

''He was a thread,

''an invisible thread in our neighborhood...

''which tied us together, bringing us news...

''who died,

''who moved away,

''who just got married.

''he's a door-to-door salesman for the Watkins company...

whom many considered unemployable.''

Mr. Porter, that was a wonderful article in the paper.

I didn't want that.

Is Peter in? Oh, hi, Bill.

That was a great article in the paper. I didn't want him to write that.

- Hey, Bill. How you doin'? - Can I talk to you?

Well, I was just heading out. What's up?

I want my territory back. We've shut that department down. There is no more door-to-door.

I don't need a department. All I need is...

Bill, you did the right thing. You had an amazing run. It's over.

Retire. Go fishing. Enjoy yourself.

I don't want to go fishing.

I want to work. There must be something you can do.

Have you checked with the employment office?

Carla, I'm going to be gone until 2:30. If Stickley calls... Peter.

- Don't run off. I need two minutes. - Great seeing you, Bill.

Best of luck to ya.

- Wonderful piece in the paper, Bill. - Hm.

I'd like to put a copy of it in the shareholders report.

Either way, I wasn't going fishing.

What piece in the paper?

Bill.

Bill? Bill!

Bill Porter!

Get off the bus. Get off.

A salesman drives down a dark country road...

completely lost.

After a time, he runs out of gas.

Luckily, there's a farmhouse just down the road.

He goes to the farmhouse and knocks on the door.

The farmer's wife comes to the door and says, ''can I help you ?''

''Yes,'' he says. ''You can.

I've run out of gas, and I've lost my way.''

I'll bet you anything...

'cause the cream you've been using has an alcohol base...

and she says, ''you can spend the night.

Put some of this on your fingers. Tell me if your wife wouldn't enjoy this.

''But I don't have a daughter,

but he doesn't cook.

''and you'll have a nice room all to yourself.

''We don't have any farm animals.

All right, Bob. I'm gonna bring you some of the samples next week.

Oh, that's fine, Bill, but no promises.

And my husband and I are happily married.''

A beautiful day.

Have a good one, Bill.

The salesman looks around confused,

and then he turns back to the farmer's wife and says,

''oh, gosh, I must be in the wrong joke.''