Original subtitles

La Fabrique www.sous-titres.eu

Hey, guys.

Good morning.

How is it going, everybody?

What’s up, Jason?

Hey, dudes. What’s up?

What are you doing here?

What do you mean? We’re just going to school.

I thought you said you didn’t need school.

You said you had a startup company and school is for douchebags.

The startup company thing didn’t really work out.

But you told us all to go fuck ourselves.

No, you guys. What we said was…

You said you were going to make $10 million

and the rest of us can go fuck ourselves.

We were trying to be funny.

No one’s laughing.

You’re back?

The startup company thing didn’t work out.

I’m shocked.

Do you still want to see that stupid Maze Runner movie?

You broke up with me.

You said you had to be free to chase your dreams.

I thought my life was going in a different direction.

I felt I had to give everything I had. I had to focus on one thing.

Is that why you told Clyde that you broke up with me,

because you were about to be “dripping in bitches”?

Why does everyone suddenly remember everything everybody says?

I’m happy.

I know who you really are now. You’re someone who can’t be counted on.

You can just bail on the people you love.

People are pissed off at us.

Fucking crazy.

Doesn’t anyone understand the significance of “I’m sorry” anymore?

Well said!

Good point. What happened to the significance?

Let’s just be thankful we’re not Butters.

They won’t even let him come back to school.

Thanks for coming.

As you know, we urgently need to discuss the matter of Butters Stotch,

who set fire to school gymnasium and is now asking to come back.

– All set to start? – We’re waiting on Mr. Mackey.

– Again. – Do we need Mackey here?

All he’ll talk about is how he’s gluten-free now

and he feels so fucking amazing.

– He does look a little better. – He doesn’t look any different to me.

– Doesn’t he have fuller cheeks? – It’s just the new diet fad.

Sorry I’m late.

I had to stop and get my own breakfast, because you all will be having donuts.

But I’m actually gluten-free, so I can’t have donuts.

We’re all aware that you are gluten-free now.

I’m just saying that I personally feel so fucking amazing.

Can we discuss the gymnasium and get out of here, please?

So, the issue, as you all know,

is that Butters set fire to the gymnasium last week,

and ran away laughing and flipping everyone off.

– That’s probably gluten. – Oh, God!

Gluten causes sluggishness, irritability and nearly all behavioral problems.

I seriously cannot take hearing about gluten anymore.

That’s probably the gluten talking.

If you cut out gluten, you don’t ever get pissed off.

Really?

I might just have to give it a try. How does it work?

Don’t try! Oh, God! Here we go!

I don’t know what to do.

It’s been four hours, and people still won’t talk to us.

I know! That’s fucking gay!

You know what we gotta do? We gotta throw a big fucking party.

– A party? – How do you make everyone like you?

You have a big party, and everyone thinks you’re cool!

That would have to be the best party ever.

I’m down. We can throw the sweetest party ever.

These assholes won’t remember us being dicks to them.

That might work. But it can’t be a party for us.

It’s gotta be an awesome party for…

For someone we love, who needs us and that we refuse to bail on.

– What? – He’s right.

We gotta make it for someone in need, so that people have to go.

We lure people in with a cause and hit them with the best party ever.

We’ll have pizza and cake and a sweet band.

Stan, didn’t you say your dad knows somebody who knows Lorde?

He said some guy at work is Lorde’s uncle or something.

– We’ve got Lorde to play live! – This will be awesome!

– So, who do we throw the party for? – What do you mean?

We have a friend who needs us right now. We can’t let him down.

That was Get the Party Started.

And joining me in the studio now are four local boys

who are gearing up to throw the most epic party ever.

Is that right, boys?

It’ll be this weekend.

We wanted to give back to the community and show everyone a good time.

This party is also for a good cause,

It’s to honor a boy with diabetes, Scott Malkinson.

Diabetes affects us all, but it mostly affects Scott Malkinson.

You know, we can’t turn our back on him.

It must be special having a big party in your honor, Scott.

I actually have plans this weekend.

“I actually have plans this weekend. I’m Scott Malkinson. I’ve got diabetes.”

We got lots of people calling in. Caller, what’s your question?

Are you guys making this up?

We’ll have all the pizza you can eat, 20 different cakes,

and Lorde is going to play live.

– All the pizza we can eat? – Believe it, dude.

All right, this better be good.

It’s sure to be a blast. Phone lines are going crazy!

Sweet!

Next caller, what’s your question?

Will there be gluten-free options for people at this party?

Excuse me?

I’ve been gluten-free for about a day,

and I have to say I feel so amazing.

I just want to make sure there’s food for all of us.

– Mark in Fairplay, you had a comment? – I agree with the last caller.

I was in a restaurant and ordered the gluten-free quinoa salad,

and a guy right next to me was eating a sandwich.

It’s like, “Get your secondhand gluten away from me!”

Next caller, you got a question for the boys.

I swear if I hear another person talk about about being gluten-free,

I’m gonna piss in their face.

What the hell is gluten?

Hello, everyone.

My name is John Garner. I’m a nutrition adviser from the USDA.

I want to clarify the USDA’s position on a healthy diet.

There’s been a lot of confusion about gluten lately,

people saying it’s the cause of cancer,

it should be avoided, it can make your dick fly off…

– But let’s set the record straight. – Make your dick fly off?

People believe omitting gluten is healthier,

but that’s a bunch of hooey.

Hooey is the preservative found in processed foods,

that we now believe is the main culprit of obesity.

You might say, “There’s fat in butter.” But that’s poppycock.

Poppycock first came from India, and is key ingredient in red meat,

which we now realize is good for you along with hooey.

The good hooey, not the bad hooey. So what is gluten?

Yes! Thank you!

Simply put,

gluten is the protein found in flour when you take all the starch away.

Flour is of course just wheat.

When you add a liquid to flour, you get dough.

Dough that makes bread, donuts, pasta,

and all the hooey-free foods that humans enjoy.

If we wash the dough of all its starch,

we can actually distill the wheat down, minus the water, minus the starch,

and what we’re left with is pure gluten.

Not a bioweapon, just harmless flour protein.

Then eat it.

Excuse me?

If it’s not dangerous, eat that pure concentrated gluten.

All right.

You see that? His dick’s flying off.

Oh, my God! These people don’t even know!

Hurry! You gotta go!

Oh, Jesus! Hey, it isn’t safe in there!

– Get out of there! – You’re not safe!

You gotta go!

What about powerbars?

– Hamburger helper? – That’s all gluten!

There’s hot dog buns in that cupboard!

Dad, I need to talk you about this party we’re having.

– Oh, my God, the wheat thins! – It’s in the triscuits too, Randy!

I might need those!

This stuff will make your dick fly off, Stan!

Don’t forget the freezer!

Chicken nuggets, breaded! Frozen burritos, flour!

What about ice cream?

I don’t know. Look at the ingredients!

Heavy cream, sugar, chocolate syrup… No, ice cream’s good for you.

– That’s all of it! – You sure?

– You got those? – I can get both of these.

– Hey, Cartman. – Kyle! It’s all gone!

They’ve taken it all! Why are they doing this?

– Dude, calm down. – There’s no snacks left, Kyle!

They took all the snacks, pizza and cake and we’re not gonna have a party!

Who took all the pizza and cake?

What the hell?

Get it! Get it all!

That’s it! Burn, you bastard!

What are you doing? My farm!

Son of a bitch! Did you not know or did you not care?

There’s panic all over the country,

and you don’t have any kind of containment on this thing?

We’re working as fast as we can, sir.

Are you sure it’s gluten that started the reaction?

We gave these rats an injection of concentrated whole-wheat bread.

You can see it already is having a negative effect.

We told people that whole-wheat bread was healthy.

Isn’t wheat the ingredient in pasta that makes it healthy?

We believe now that that’s poppycock.

All right, listen up!

We have the obligation to make this thing right

and tell people what is and isn’t safe to eat.

We are the USDA!

Without us, people would be eating dirt and… chairs.

Whatever it takes, stop this crisis.

Come on, dude. You have to get up.

What’s the point?

Everyone hates us at school and our party’s gonna suck.

We can’t let our party suck.

What kind of epic party can you have without pizza and cake?

– Now all we’ve got is Lorde. – That’s right. We’ve still got Lorde.

You talked to your dad, right, Stan?

I’ll be back.

You know what I’m gonna miss most?

Pancakes.

I keep having dreams of Aunt Jemima.

She’s trying to tell me something. But then she just fades away.

We can’t do this alone. You have to get up.

There’s nothing left, you guys. The world is upside down.

Things aren’t gonna get better. They’re gonna get worse.

There’s a possible gluten exposure in your home.

– May we come in? – Gluten? Oh, not here!

– Can we come in, please? – Well, sure!

What’s going on?

– That’s just a beer. – Oh, Jesus.

Beer is all wheat, Dad!

Shut up! Beer’s bad for you?

Come with us, sir.

– Don’t touch me. – Look, I’m OK!

– You want to see my dick? – We need you to be in quarantine

until we figure out what’s going on.

Not Papa John’s! I don’t wanna go to Papa John’s!

You can’t make me go to Papa John’s!

How long do I have to stay here?

Until the USDA gets control of the situation, sir.

– What am I supposed to eat? – It’s OK.

There’s lots of toppings. Just eat the toppings.

How’d you get exposed?

Bagels?

Gravy?

Beer.

– I didn’t know it had gluten. – There’s always something.

For me it was the soy sauce.

Sneaky, sneaky soy sauce.

We’re trying to get a handle on how much gluten there is out there,

but it seems impossible to contain.

And we have no idea how to tell people to protect themselves?

We’ve run simulations, but they’re problematic,

because they don’t relate to our current schematics. Here, look.

This is what we’ve been recommending for the past three years.

Five basic food groups, not four. We were wrong about that.

We now realize the largest of these groups

we’ve been recommending is basically poison.

So to combat the gluten, we’re trying every possible combination

of the four remaining food groups, but so far, no answers.

– Sir, the Feds are here. – Oh, shit.

Tom Vilsack?

Michael Taylor, FDA.

Thank you, but this is a USDA problem.

Anything involving meat and dairy is our problem too.

Dad?

How’s my boy?

Daddy’s gonna be all right.

You know that guy at work you said is Lorde’s uncle or something?

I can’t touch you or hug you,

but I’m right with you.

You remember you said that Lorde’s uncle worked with you?

How is your mom? Your sister?

This is a quarantined area, kid. You’re gonna have to go.

Not yet! Dad!

– That’s my son, you bastard! – I’m sorry! All right?

Dad, who’s the guy at work that knows Lorde?

Let me go! Dad!

Let me talk to my dad!

You call this a party?

– Your party sucks! – Let’s go!

No food at a party? And I thought I was handicapped!

What’s wrong with you?

– Where’s the food? – I hate your party!

– Where’s the food? – What a loser!

Hello, Eric.

Come on over here, sugar.

Aunt Jemima.

There’s people in trouble. They need to be shown the way.

I don’t know the way, Aunt Jemima.

You need to get to the USDA, child.

They lookin’ for a sign.

I don’t even know what that means.

When you’re stuck, look to the pyramids.

Are you going to eat those pancakes?

They got it wrong, child.

The world is upside down.

Trippy!

Tell ’em they gots it backwards.

They got what backwards?

– Loser! – This party sucks!

Fuck, I want pancakes.

You can’t just keep us in here!

We’re all out of toppings.

There’s nothing left to eat.

– They’re gonna let us starve to death? – They don’t care about us.

Face it. We’re already dead to them.

Well, then… I guess I might as well eat.

– There’s nothing left! – There’s plenty of pizza dough.

– Are you crazy? – I’m crazy hungry!

Fuck, it’s so good!

I want more!

It’s been so long!

My God, you…

But… you’re OK.

You don’t think it’s a little ridiculous that wheat protein is toxic?

This whole thing was a set-up!

A set-up? But by who?

We have to get a hold of someone who can get the word out.

Maybe Papa John can help us.

If we can get a hold of him, maybe we can…

There’s a health crisis going on,

and it’s spreading faster than anyone realizes.

For a long time, we ignored it, thought it’d only affect the poor.

People who ate Eggo waffles and Pizza Pockets.

But gluten can attack anyone.

This is not a time to party. This is a time to get serious.

We’re calling on everyone to learn about gluten

and how to protect yourself and your family.

Because we don’t know how much time we have.

Time for action, indeed.

Let’s go to the phone lines. Go ahead, caller.

I knew you guys were gonna bail on the party.

We’re not bailing on the party. There are more important things.

You couldn’t get Lorde to play, could you?

Let’s go to Jamie in Como. Go ahead.

It’s like…

you’re saying you’ll throw the party of the decade, then you rip it away!

It’s like telling everyone to go fuck themselves!

Let’s watch the language there. Next caller, you’re on the air.

Why were you doing this party, Stan?

Because you made people mad at school,

or because you just wanted to be a big shot?

We wanted to bring people together and help Scott Malkinson…

When people need to come together, you cancel on him?

I’m pretty sure Scott Malkinson still has diabetes.

That is correct. Yes, I do.

You couldn’t put on the party you were hoping to put on.

Jesus Christ.

– There is a health crisis… – Right.

And when things change or things come up,

you don’t forget about everything you promised people!

We had not idea what to serve to eat! We were gonna look stupid!

Thought so.

Next caller is Eric. Are you there, Eric?

What does USDA stand for?

Aunt Jemima said USDA has to look at the pyramids!

It’s dinnertime on the East Coast in less than an hour.

People will die!

We’ve got a boy on the hotline. He says he might know something.

– Who is this? – My name isn’t important.

What matters is that the answer is in the pyramid.

The pyramid?

That’s ancient stuff. Are you sure?

Bring up the pyramid!

What is it for?

We built it a long time ago.

It illustrates how much we should eat of the four basic food groups.

We abandoned the pyramid when Michele Obama got involved.

The pyramid doesn’t work. We’ve already tried it.

It’s upside down.

The pyramid is upside down!

Turn the pyramid upside down.

You can’t be serious. That would put fat at the top of the…

Flip the damn food pyramid!

This is not FDA approved!

It’s dinnertime on the East Coast in ten minutes.

Do it!

We’ve got a match.

Nutrition is stabilizing.

We’ve got a well-balanced vaccine!

Get the President on the phone. Tell him…

to have some steak with his butter.

I gotta admit. You guys throw a pretty sweet party.

We’d do anything for our bros.

Would you guys care for a frozen butter pop?

We’re good. Stop bugging us.

We really dodged the bullet.

Thanks to you, America knows what to eat again.

I’m glad people aren’t mad at you anymore.

I know what that feels like.

We’ll get a better view of the stage.

Enjoy the party.

Wait till my girls see I was at a party with Lorde!

I’m glad the food is good. Lorde sucks.

She isn’t as hot in person.

I’m am Lorde

Call me Lorde

You’re having fun?

Yeah, sure. You guys really pulled it off.

I couldn’t sit around while my dad was locked away.

I love him, and he needed me.

– You’re so transparent. – What does that mean?

You wanna dance?

We love the city

’Cause I am Lorde

I am Lorde