Original subtitles

We will be fighting the greatest battle of our young, hot lives.

Black Friday.

Everyone who wants to get PS4s, join with us.

Tom, the South Park Mall says they’ve beefed up security.

You have a strong influence over the men.

You can’t die!

You should see this.

What would they do on Game of Thrones?

What would they do when things look their darkest?

La Fabrique www.sous-titres.eu

Now, let me tell you, child,

of a war that is about to come.

Since time unremembered, there have been two,

one dark and unforgiving,

the other pure and filled with light.

At the dawn of war, I stand alone,

looking out at what will be the last battlefield,

for winter is coming.

And I am a princess.

Once a common lady of the dark army,

but denied my right to be called princess by birth,

I betrayed my kind.

And now, I have chosen my side,

that which I believe is best for all,

for it has the DualShock controller with a speaker

and a touchpad interface.

Our land is split in two.

Brother against brother. Friend versus friend.

My parents will fight on Black Friday as well.

For what, I do not know.

What the hell is he wearing now?

My followers, though few in number, shall help see me through

until I am finally accepted as a princess by all.

I cannot rest,

for I know that even now, the enemy is training for battle,

also preparing for winter.

All right, stop!

This is not how you fight. You think this is a joke?

On Black Friday,

there’ll be thousands trying to get inside that mall,

keeping you from getting Xbox Ones.

So what do we do?

We survey each enemy, and we attack their weak spots.

Scott Malkinson has diabetes, so we hit him in his weak spot.

God!

There’s another army out there who thinks they’re better,

and we are not going to be beat by that traitor whore Kenny.

Get back to training!

We should probably talk about our chances.

The men are inexperienced.

– They need more training. – It’s not enough.

Ever since Kenny switched sides, more kids wanna go with PS4.

That goddamn traitor! You know why he’s doing this, right?

He wanted to be a princess, and I wouldn’t let him.

I said, “You can be a chick,

“but there’s only one ruler, and that’s me!”

Sony released the PS4s.

They’re being reviewed. People are liking them.

Kenny had something to do

with Sony offering a Black Friday bunduru.

Just keep them in training, Ser Kyle.

Two can play at Kenny’s back-stabbing game.

Stupid asshole.

I’d like to speak to the president of Xbox, please.

The president of Xbox. Like the head of Xbox.

Fine, CEO of Microsoft. Whatever, put him on.

I need help blowing up PlayStation people.

Eric Cartman. I’m a wizard and a king.

A wizard king, yes.

I’m not king of wizards. I’m a king that happens to be a wizard.

Just put the CEO on the phone!

Mr. Ballmer,

John and Dave from marketing are here to see you.

How are things going out there?

The tides of war are changing.

There’s a king in Colorado,

a young wizard who believes that Sony will have the upper hand

if we do not come to his aid.

He claims that with our help,

his followers are prepared to fight to the death

over which system is better.

What are you guys talking about? You sound ridiculous.

There’s going to be a war in this small town on Black Friday.

It’s all over the news.

Guys, these are console wars.

Not some epic battle for a kingdom. I mean, come on.

But this one kid says that he’s a wizard.

– And that Sony is helping… – Guys!

It’s just a video game machine.

Microsoft’s a company

that tries to be above all the petty commercialism.

Black Friday is still a few days away,

but it looks like it’s already claimed another fatality.

Niles Lawson is on the scene. What are you hearing?

Tom, tragedy struck last night

when mall security officer Miles “Happy” Davis

was beaten to death with this candy cane.

After telling a mother she couldn’t line up for Black Friday

until Thursday night.

In honor of the slain mall security officer,

the mall has decided to officially drop

another 10% off Black Friday deals!

Happy was a good man.

Too good to have died in such a brutal

but festive manner.

Captain!

The mall is dropping the Black Friday sale another 10%.

– What? – They can’t do that!

That’s 90% off!

Oh God! They’re back!

The shoppers are back!

Everybody stay put.

I’ll handle this.

If you are here for Black Friday,

you cannot be on mall property until midnight on Thanksgiving.

We’re not on mall property.

You’re about to be.

What if we just walk really, really slow?

You’ll have to walk slower than that. You’ve got a while.

We can walk really slow. Look.

Smart asses.

I was hoping I could talk to you about Lady McCormick.

– You mean Princess Kenny? – Yeah, whatever.

The prick thinks he’s Daenerys Targaryen.

I need to know how to deal with him.

How do they deal with the Queen of Dragons?

They don’t!

Did you finish watching season 3 like I asked you?

I finished it.

– What happens when the dragons show up? – Nothing!

The dragons are still on their way!

They keep promising dragons, but all I get are more floppy wieners!

The key to our victory is following the Game of Thrones model exactly.

I have to know about the dragons, so I know how to deal with Kenny.

– What do you want me to do? – Here’s two bus tickets to New Mexico.

I want you to take Ser Scott Malkinson

and go seek out George R. R. Martin for answers.

Who’s that?

The guy who writes Games of Thrones!

He can let us know how to handle Kenny, and if we should betray Clyde.

Let’s face it.

This is really about you and me getting Xboxes.

The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.

I told you kids to stay out of my damn yard!

Do you mind? We’re trying to talk here.

How come every time you talk to somebody,

it’s about betraying somebody else?

Mind your own business!

Listen, for the last time, we don’t have any dragons to send them.

If some people want to choose PlayStations, it’s their choice.

– Sir, Mr. Gates is here. – Bill Gates?

I got to go.

Bill Gates showing up at corporate!

– Steve, How you doing? – Not bad.

Just trying to get this next-gen press stuff handled.

I heard there’s a little trouble in Colorado somewhere.

It was nothing,

just some kids trying to turn the console wars into something bigger.

My gosh!

You know, when I stepped down and left you in charge of the company,

I expected some challenges.

Nothing I can’t handle.

We might need some changes to our marketing, but I’m optimistic.

I think we’ll ultimately sell the number of units we want to.

You’re right. Some changes do need to be made.

Do you know what weakness is?

Weakness is believing that competition is healthy.

There was a time when Xboxes and PlayStations could both survive,

but that time’s done.

It’s all headed to one device

that people game on, watch TV on, socialize on.

There’s only going to be one winner.

I can’t have you idiots throwing away everything I worked so hard to achieve.

Clean that shit up.

Come on, you’re lagging!

I think my insulin’s low. I need to eat.

Let’s just talk to this guy, then we can hit a McDonald’s.

Here we go, 2217.

Can I help you?

Is this George R. R. Martin’s house?

Who is this, please?

It’s two kids who wanna know what happens when the dragons show up.

I’m sorry, but Mr. Martin does not see fans.

– We’re not fans! – We don’t like it!

We don’t like it. I’m pretty pissed off to tell the truth!

About what?

Let me talk to George R. R. Martin, and I’ll tell him about what.

It’s the Red Wedding, isn’t it? You hate how I killed everyone off!

We just need to know about the dragons, but they never seem to show up.

They’re coming. The dragons are on their way.

– When? – You really wanna know?

– It’s urgent. – All right.

King Joffrey is still at King’s Landing,

but there’s a young blacksmith who wakes up one morning with a plan,

and his wiener gently hangs down between his legs.

Soft and flaccid, his wiener glistens in the golden sunlight.

Can we skip the wiener stuff and just get to the dragons?

Shit, I think I’m gonna faint!

– What’s the matter? – I have to eat every two hours!

He’s diabetic.

Why don’t you come out of the cold? I’ll order us some pizzas.

I’ll tell you everything that’s gonna happen in Game of Thrones!

Ser Kyle, I wanted to talk to you about Stan.

If you fear I might switch sides, don’t worry.

– Stan is wrong. – It isn’t that.

Princess Kenny is loved by her army,

but Stan is still the nuts and balls of the operation.

It would be a huge setback to the traitors

if Stan were to be grounded.

– Grounded for what? – That could be up to you.

Nobody has to be grounded. We’re not playing dirty!

Fine, Ser Kyle. Perhaps you’re right.

Did you know that Stan’s dad is working a temp job as mall security?

Seems a little convenient.

Stan with somebody on the inside to help him get his PS4s.

Who’s playing dirty now?

Let’s face it, Ser Kyle.

This is all about you and me getting Xboxes.

The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.

Don’t believe it!

He said that to a bunch of people.

Stop harassing me, or I’m calling the cops!

You’re calling the cops?

You’re on my property! I’m calling the cops.

Go ahead! Call the fucking cops, then!

It’s you.

Tom, I’m standing in your doorway because of a hot news story to report.

We don’t go to work for another hour.

We just got a call from Bill Gates.

He says he can promise us a bigger war on Black Friday if we play along.

– He wants us to side with him? – That’s right, Tammy.

Having a bloodbath on Black Friday is good for the news.

It’s good for us. The bigger the better.

Our job is to report the news, not make it more violent.

Right, Tom. Because you’re so about integrity.

Let’s go.

Or maybe I’ll let the newsroom know what their two anchors are up to.

Back to you.

It’s the morning news with Tom and Tammy Thompson,

Colorado’s top-rated brother-sister news team.

Black Friday is just around the corner, and it’s getting fierce out there.

Niles Lawson is out at the mall with a little holiday surprise.

The excitement over Black Friday is peaking,

and none other than Bill Gates himself has shown up to make it even bigger.

We just wanna do whatever we can

to help our supporters get their Xboxes at incredible deals on Friday.

So we’ve come to offer swords and battle axes,

whatever the kids can carry to fight their way through the other shoppers.

We understand that you’ve donated some guns to the kids as well.

But we are limiting it to one per Xbox follower, because of course,

the key thing here on everyone’s mind is safety.

Is Kenny home?

Kenny’s out back playing with his friends.

Forward, men!

You gotta turn me.

It’s the enemy. Defensive positions!

– Kill ’em! – Get out!

I seek audience with the traitor Lady McCormick.

Let them pass.

The Princess bids your fat ass welcome to her kingdom

and suggests you state your purpose.

You can’t win this, guys. Look around you.

Lay down your weapons and fight for Xboxes with us on Friday.

The Princess says that if you wanna change your mind

and agree that PlayStations are better, she’ll consider it.

We all understand wanting to play as the chick once in a while.

But you are never going to be a real princess.

The Princess calls you a ball-licking lesbian.

That doesn’t even make sense.

This has gone too far. People are going to get hurt.

What you started is way out of control.

What I started? How dare you!

All these people are gonna be gaming on Xbox.

You wanna just game with Craig the rest of your life?

I would rather game with Craig

than spend one minute having to set up an Xbox Live account.

We will get our PlayStations tomorrow, and you buttholes will have nothing!

You’re outnumbered ten to one, and there’s no time left.

How will you win?

The gods will find us a way.

So, then Samwell Tarly sees the army approaching,

and his wiener is about this big.

He knows that Stannis Baratheon’s wiener is probably shriveled from the cold.

Samwell has to rally his men. So what does he do?

He takes out his wiener.

And he dangles it around for all his men to see.

Sir, you said pizzas were coming.

They’re on their way. So Samwell’s wiener goes…

But you said they were on their way like three hours ago!

If I don’t get pizza soon, I’m gonna pass out.

Don’t worry, they’re coming. Pizzas are on their way.

They’re gonna be amazing.

Now, John Snow finally faces Jaime Lannister,

and this guy’s wiener is, you know, huge, right?

It won’t be easy.

I was hoping I could talk to you about the fight on Friday.

Certainly…

– Eric, right? – It’s “my Lord Wizard King,” actually.

Having your leadership has been a help,

but I hope that we’re clear that this is my army.

There can only be one person of royalty. That’s kind of the rules.

I certainly don’t wanna step on your toes.

Don’t worry, I’m quite good at letting my CEOs do what they want.

– Your CEOs? – Let’s face it.

This is really just about you and me getting Xboxes.

The rest are simply there to help us get through those doors.

How’s it feel?

Now who’s walking who through the betrayal garden?

Why don’t you stay out of my business?

Why don’t you stay out of my yard?

That was amazing sex.

I enjoyed it immensely. How about you?

You know, Microsoft has given kids

who want Xboxes on Black Friday a lot of support.

Seems a shame that the fight will be so one-sided.

Black Friday’s about to happen, and it’s not even gonna be a fight.

That’s bad for both of us.

There must be something you can give to kids who want Sonies

to make the fight more even.

I think that will do nicely.

Wiener, wiener wiener…

One wiener

Next to another

Wiener

Two wieners

Alongside yet another

Wiener

Wiener party

Soft wieners

Nice and soft

Non-erect wieners

Flopping wieners

Five wieners

In my face

Stop, please! I can’t take anymore.

But this is the best part! Right before King Joffrey gets poisoned.

Everyone flaps their wieners all around his face.

Listen, buddy!

You promised that pizzas were on the way!

If they don’t show up right now, you’ll have a dead kid on your hands!

Fine! What kind of pizzas do you want?

– What kind do we want? – He hasn’t even ordered the pizzas yet!

They’re coming!

Not just two pizzas. There’s gonna be five.

And they’re gonna be huge!

Come on, we’re leaving.

– I haven’t told you what happens yet! – Black Friday is about to happen,

and we have to be the first ones inside the mall to get Xboxes!

Why didn’t you say so? I can help with that.

– What do you mean? – I’ll make some calls.

I know a way to make sure you’re prepared for Black Friday.

The president of Sony bids you thanks for all your support of the PS4.

He offers you this gift

to once and for all make you an official princess

and to give you the powers you need

to win this war on Black Friday.

Kenny’s a Japanese princess.

Oh God! We’re done for!

My friends, the time is almost here.

Let us face these shoppers

with the bravery of those mall security officers before us.

Commander Marsh.

They’re what?

They’re gonna what?

We have breaking news from the South Park Mall.

In an effort to make sure everyone is prepared,

the mall has decided to push Black Friday by one week.

The genius idea was proposed by George R. R. Martin,

who also suggested,

“Fuck it, let’s push Thanksgiving to December 3rd.”

For pushing the date,

the mall is now reducing Black Friday prices

to 96% off to the first hundred people inside the mall.

This is going to be a fucking bloodbath.

There will be medical tents, ambulances, face painting.

No doubt a lot of people you know and love are going to die.