All language subtitles for In.Treatment.S02E22.1080p.Web-Rip.DD5.1.x264-CasStudio_track3_[eng]

( door opens )

Nice cap.

( theme music playing )

( labored breathing )

Those stairs were
So hard for me.

This keeps happening,
You're gonna have to start

Giving me therapy
At chemo.

Two birds
With one stone.

You know what
I like best about you?

What, my morbid
Sense of humor?

Your eyes.

I remember
The first time
I came here

And as I was leaving

I looked at you
And you looked at me

And I lost my breath
For a moment.

It's a compliment.

I know.

Don't worry.
I'm not gonna jump you.

I'm in chemo--
I can barely keep
My food down.

( chuckles )

You know,
They have drugs

They can give you
That can counteract
The nausea.

You're not even
My type.

But your eyes are...

Bottomless.

- I'm just saying.
- okay.

- ( inhales sharply ) ow.
- are you okay?

I just-- I forget
I can't do that anymore

Because of the thing
I have there now.

Does the port
Hurt all the time?

Only if I move
A certain way.

I can't remember
Them cutting me open.

I didn't faint
Or anything, did I?

- no.
- do you remember
Them putting it in?

Uh-huh.

Did you watch it happen?

No, not--
Not all of it.

'cause you didn't want
To see my breasts?

Trust me,
There's nothing
Really to see.

But thank you
For not looking.

And thank you
For taking me.

You're welcome.

You know,
It's funny--

I've had so many
Conversations with you

In my head over
These last two weeks.

I mean,
Literally every day

We've talked for,
Like, hours at a time.

We've had whole arguments
In my head

And then--
And then we've made up.

And what--
What have we argued about?

Whether life
Is just bullshit

Or there's something
Deeper behind it.

And what do I say?

Well, you don't say much
Even in my head,

Which I find frustrating.

But when I asked you
If it was all worth it,

You said,
"Of course it is, april,

If you make yourself
And others happy."

( chuckles )

- what?
- I'm such an optimist

In-- in your head.

You wouldn't
Have said that?

What you're essentially doing
Is giving yourself advice

In the form
Of my voice.

- I know.
- and very sound
Advice it is.

You're taking
Very good care
Of yourself.

Once I asked you
Not to give up on me.

And what did I say?

You said, "Never.

I just want to haze you
For a while."

What do you think
I meant by that?

You're testing me.

And how do you pass?

I live.

Do you get extra points
For telling your parents?

Isn't it amazing
How many people
Have cancer?

And just, like,
Having conversations,

Doing sudoku.

Did you see those
Two girls in the corner
On the computer?

They were
Shopping online...

For underwear.

We have catheters coming out
Of our fucking hearts

And they're buying new bras.

You know, sometimes
A little denial

Is not a bad thing--

But don't tell
Anybody I said that.

I'm sorry I've been
Such an asshole in here.

I told you--
No apologies.

I mean,
I didn't answer
Your calls.

I-- I made you
Let me talk to sienna
During a session.

I smashed
My freaking model
In your office

And I left it
For you to clean up.

I must be
The worst patient
You've ever had.

Oh no, you're not.

Thank you

For taking me.

And thank you
For going.

No, really.
Thank you.

I heard that.

I had a bad night
Last week...

Just a few days
After the chemo.

- I wanted to call you, but--
- why didn't you call me?

You canceled
Our session.

I thought
You needed a break.

April, that was
Nothing to do with you.

It doesn't matter.
I called my best friend
Leah instead.

Leah.

I haven't heard you
Mention her name before.

What did
You say to her?

Well, I-- I had woken up
From this dream

Where I was
Already dead

Or-- no, not exactly.

It was more like I knew
That I was about to die,

Like something was
Coming to kill me.

It was horrible.

But I also kind
Of wanted it to happen

Just to get it over with.

There's another way
Of looking at that dream.

Maybe it's just the part
Of you that refuses help--

I don't want to talk about
What the dream means.

I was just
Setting the stage.

Understood.

Anyway, I woke up

With this
Really high fever,

Like so high
I was shaking--

I couldn't even hold
A glass of water--

And I totally freaked.

I mean, I really--

I really thought
It was all about to end.

That's why
I called leah.

She came right over.

And she took
One look at me

And called 911.

And on the way there

The ambulance guys
Were asking me

If I was on any medication
That they should know about.

And I said,
"Well, chemo."

So was leah in
The ambulance with you?

And her mouth just
Sort of hit the floor.

I was so out of it
I just started
Apologizing.

You know, "I'm sorry.
I wouldn't have called,

But I'm dying," and...

She took my hand

And she said, "April,

You don't die
This quickly."

She sounds like
A true friend.

She really is.

Yet you hadn't
Told her about
The cancer till then.

I haven't seen her
For a while.

She's in law school,
So she's been really busy.

Have you known
Each other for long?

We, um--

We shared
A bus stop

With a bunch
Of other kids.

When I was 10,

Daniel came to school
With me for the first time.

He was trying
Kindergarten.

I was so afraid
That everybody was
Gonna make fun of him.

And that first day,
I turned around

For just a second
And when I turned
Back around,

Daniel was standing
There singing

And holding his penis.

And I wanted to die
Right there.

I mean, everybody was
Staring at him.

Nobody said anything

Until--
Until leah said, "Daniel,

You can sing or you
Can hold your penis,

But you cannot sing
And hold your penis."

Everybody
Started laughing.

And then all the guys
Started singing

And holding their own dicks.
It was amazing.

( chortles )

So she's always
Looked out for you?

We've looked out
For each other.

Her mom died when
We were in high school,

So she came to live
With us for a while.

She's-- she's really
More like a sister
Than a friend.

You know, her reaction
When you called her

Reminded me of

How kyle reacted
When you called him,

When you were
Having trouble with
The model, remember?

You said that he also
Came right over.

Yeah, so?

So it seems like
The people in your life

Are very
Committed to you.

I have good taste
In people.

I think it's more
Than that.

I think
That you demand

Incredible loyalty.

So the only people
You allow to get
Close to you

Are the people you feel
That can measure up,

People you feel
That can really
Go the distance.

I'm incredibly loyal
To them as well.

Yes, I know that.

So why are you
Making it sound like
It's a bad thing?

I guess I just wonder
Why you work so hard

To make friends who are
So fiercely devoted to you

And then,
When you need help,

You seem reluctant
To rely upon them.

- I called leah.
- yeah, that's true,

But you waited
Until you thought
That you were dying.

It's like a bank.

You keep
Taking money out,

Then eventually
There'll be nothing left.

So you think that
There's only a limited
Amount of support

That one person
Can offer another

And when that
Support is used up,
It's gone forever?

If leah had cancer,

Would you get tired
Of helping her?

No.

But not everyone
Is like me.

And what do you mean
Everybody is not
Like you?

In the emergency room,
The doctor told me

I should expect more fevers
Just like this one.

As he said it,
I saw leah's face.

- she just looked terrified.
- for herself or for you?

Okay. Enough.
I get it.

I mean, I get what
You're trying to say.

I just don't
Agree with you.
Is that okay?

Of course.

Not everyone
Is like me, paul.

I mean, I know you think
I'm crazy, but I'm right.

I don't think
You're crazy, april.

You canceled
Our session last week.

Yes, I'm--
( clears throat )

I'm sorry about that.

How did you feel
When you got the message?

Well, considering
We've determined

That I have a tough time
Relying on people,

It was a pretty ballsy
Move on your part.

What happened?

I, uh-- I had
A family emergency.

So what happened?

You don't want
To tell me?

Come on. I told you
I have cancer.

Just know that
If I could've been
There for you...

I would have been.

I know that.

Hey, how old are you?

Uh, a bit--
A bit passed 50.

'cause I was
Thinking this week,

When leah's mom died
She was 35--

We were 15
And she was 35--

And I remember
Her being so old,

Like middle-aged,
And now she seems
So young to me.

And I was wondering,

You know,
If I make it to 35,

Will I look back
On the time in here

And think,
"When I was 23
And paul was 50,

He seemed middle-aged.

And now he seems
So young."

You'll have to let me know
When you get there.

So we'll keep
In touch?

My hair started
Falling out.

They say I'll wake up
One day next week

And the rest of it
Will just be there

On the pillow.

It's gonna be hard to
Keep it from my parents
After that happens.

I guess you and I should
Start strategizing.

Or maybe you
Could just tell them.

I bet you and my dad
Would actually
Get along.

You're both
Sort of intense
In the same way.

I think you should be part
Of that conversation.

We could ask them
To come with you to therapy.

- that might work.
- we could schedule something

Before your next
Chemotherapy session.

No, we can't.
It's tomorrow.

So who's gonna
Take you?

You?

And what about leah?

What about her?

Wouldn't you prefer
If she took you?

No.

Do you not
Want to take me?

It's not a question
Of whether I want
To take you.

Okay, are you
Refusing to take me?

- april, you still haven't
Told your parents.
- so?

So you've got a whole
System of support in place

- that you're not using.
- I don't want my mother
To take me to chemo.

- why not?
- because I want you
To take me.

I think we should
Talk about why

You still can't tell
This to your parents.

- is this some kind of a joke?
- no, it's not.

I am your therapist
And you need a therapist,

But you also need
A caregiver

And I cannot be
Both people.

You mean you won't.

- it isn't appropriate.
- yeah, but you've
Already taken me.

I-- I had to do that.

- nobody forced you.
- it was the right
Thing to do.

April, you are
Very sick,

- but I crossed a line.
- what line?!

- there's no line!
- there needs
To be a line

If I'm to continue
Being your therapist.

You just drew
The damn line!

- april, listen to me.
- no, this-- I knew you
Couldn't take it.

I knew as soon
As you saw that--

Them put that port
Into my heart

You said,
"Fuck this shit.

This isn't my daughter.
This isn't my problem."

Ow.

- ow.
- april.

April.

April.

What's going on?

Tell me.

- I can't.
- yes, you can.

No, I can't do this.

I'm gonna fail
Your fucking test.

No, you won't.

People die of this shit
Every day.

But not everyone is as
Strong as you, remember?

I thought you were
Gonna take care of me.

I'm trying.

No, you're dropping me.

No, I'm not dropping you.
I'm here for you, april,

- as your therapist.
- until you're not.

I was so scared
Last week.

I dreamt I was dead.

- I needed you then.
- I know.

I had a--
A family emergency.

What happened?
Did your dog die?

No.
My father.

What?

It's okay.
He--

He'd been sick
For a while.

Your-- your father died?

( stammering )
How could you let me

Go on blathering
Like this

When your--
Your father just died?

- I appreciate
Your concern--
- were you close?

No, not really.

Why not?

Well...
( clears throat )

He-- he left
The family when--

When I was young.

Wow.

So was your mom
At the funeral?

No, my mom has been
Gone for-- for a while.

- when?
- a long time ago.

Jesus.

So you've had it
Pretty rough,
Haven't you?

I'm-- I'm sorry.

( sighs )
We all have
Our fights to fight.

Well, look at you.

You deal with daniel
Every day.

God, why do you
Have to do that?

- do what?
- turn everything around

So that it's about me
And my experience.

Can't I just
Feel bad for you?

Sure.

Well...

Go ahead.

So are you...

Feeling bad for me now?

Yes.

We're having a whole
Conversation in my head.

I have expressed
My sympathies about
Your father,

And you have gratefully
And graciously

Accepted
My condolences.

Good.

You know,
Having a fantasy life
As powerful as that--

The ability to play out
Whole scenarios

In your head--

That's-- that's the mark
Of a highly intelligent person.

- really?
- yes, according
To some studies.

And what do the other
Studies consider it
A sign of?

Utter insanity.

( chuckles )

Okay. Can we go back
To talking about your
Chemo session tomorrow?

- who can take you?
- I don't know.

I understand
You don't want to talk
To your mother...

- no.
- ...And I appreciate leah
Can't take the stress...

- yeah. She's got midterms.
- ...But you must have
Other friends

- who would like
To be there.
- I guess so.

What-- what about kyle?

April...

When you figure out
Who's gonna take you,

Will you let me know?

Why?

I want to know that
You've found somebody.

I'm sorry about
Your dad, paul.

( breathing heavily )

( door opens )

( door closes )