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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Kids, before I met your mother, when I was still out there searching,
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I learned something valuable.
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That love is not a science.
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Wow, that was a great story, Dad.
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We're going to go watch TV.
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You see, sometimes in life you just have to accept that certain things can't be explained.
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And that's kind of scary.
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Oh, my God.
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I know, I'm still shaking.
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What the...?
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Joke's on you, I have a cold.
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Are you guys okay?
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Another round, and back it up for me and Lily!
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What happened?
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We saw something up in the apartment.
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Something bad.
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I don't know what it is, but margaritas make me sexy.
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Oh, muchos sexy.
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Yo quiero, Marshall.
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Oh, my God.
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What was it?
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Only the craziest, meanest looking mouse you've ever seen.
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Mouse?
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Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.
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That was a huge cockroach.
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Baby, it was a mouse.
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It had whiskers.
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But those things coming out of its head, those were antennae.
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Marshall ran away from a cockroach.
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It was a mouse.
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Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad. You're a man.
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Oh, my story is on. Ted, pay attention.
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Carl, turn it up.
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I'm here with Ellen Pierce, New York's premiere matchmaker.
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Ellen, your company, Love Solutions, boasts 100% success rate.
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What's your secret?
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Science.
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Everything in life can be broken down to ones and zeros, even love.
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All I have to do is input the variables, run the algorithm,
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and presto manifesto, you have a soul mate, and it works!
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Just ask all of my happy couples.
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And these are just the attractive ones.
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I have more photos in the bathroom.
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Love Solutions, Ellen Pierce.
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A beacon of hope for New York City's lovelorn.
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Robin Scherbotsky...
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Was that chick at the end really a client?
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Yes.
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We're signing up.
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What?
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Ted, these chicks are desperate and hot.
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That's a perfect cocktail.
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Shake well, then sleep with.
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I'm not going to a matchmaker. That's like giving up.
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It's the man version of getting a cat.
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No, it wasn't a cockroach. It had fur, and only mammals have fur.
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It was a cockroach.
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Come on, Lily, the only way that that was a cockroach
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is if it was wearing the skin of a mouse it just killed.
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Oh, my God.
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Come on.
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Ted! Hurry! You've got to help me.
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- My boat is sinking!
- What?
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- My boat is sinking!
- You have a boat?
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Yes, I bought a boat last year at a police auction.
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I just got a call from a guy down at the marina that it's leaning starboard at a 45 degree angle.
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If I don't get down there right now, it's going to capsize. Now come on!
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Your boat is sinking. That was good.
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Come on, Ted. This is an incredible opportunity.
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We'll meet our soul mates, nail 'em and never call 'em again.
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All finished, gentlemen?
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Congratulations.
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You have just taken your very first step.
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Gosh, thanks, Ellen.
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I sure hope this works.
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I'm so done with the single life-- all the games, the meaningless sex.
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You deserve more.
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That is so true, Ellen.
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I really think I'm ready to stop being a me, and start being a we.
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Hey, is there any way I can let it be known that I love cuddling?
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Ah, of course you can. That is so... Oh.
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Kind of hard to talk about with Ted here, but
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I just want someone who's not afraid to hold me at night...
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when the tears come.
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Ellen, can you help me find her?
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Get out.
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What?
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I get 15 guys like you every week.
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Jerks who just want to meet vulnerable women, nail 'em and never call 'em again.
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Oh, my God, people do that?
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Do you want to do this the easy way or the hard way?
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What's the hard way? Security roughs me up and tosses me out?
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No, that's the easy way. The hard way is that I stomp the crap out of you myself.
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Okay, Ted, let's go.
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Not you. You stay.
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You're cute.
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You're an architect.
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Good career, and you didn't use an obvious alias on your application,
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like your friend Jack Package.
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- It's pronounced pa-codge.
- Get out of here!
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You, I can work with. You give me three days,
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and I will find the woman you will marry.
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Uh, no thanks.
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I don't need an algorithm to meet women.
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It's New York City, you know-- plenty of fish in the sea.
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Plenty of fish in the sea.
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Yes, there's nine million people in New York, 4.5 million women.
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Of course, you want to meet somebody roughly your own age.
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Let's say, plus, minus, five years.
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So if we take into account the most recent census data, that leaves us with 482,000.
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But, uh, wait... 48% of those are already in relationships,
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and then you have to eliminate half for intelligence, sense of humor and compatibility,
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and then you have to take out the ex-girlfriends and the relatives,
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and, oh, we can't forget those lesbians.
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And then that leaves us with eight women.
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That can't be right. Eight?
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Really? Eight?
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There are eight fish in that big blue ocean, Ted.
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And if you feel confident that you could reel one in to your boat without me,
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there's the door.
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Do you take credit cards?
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Okay, it's back. And this time we got a good look.
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Hey, seriously, you have to stop doing that.
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It's bigger now.
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It's been feeding.
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We were just upstairs watching TV.
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Oh, gosh.
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Okay, let's do this.
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Shh, shh, shh.
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It's okay.
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It's over.
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Oh, God!
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So did you get a good look at it?
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Yeah. It has six legs, a hard exoskeleton, like a roach.
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But it had mouse-like characteristics.
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Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.
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So which is it, a cockroach or a mouse?
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It's a cock-a-mouse.
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What?
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It's some sort of mutant combination of the two.
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It's as if a cockroach and a mouse, you know...
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Did the horizontal, ten-legged, interspecies cha-cha?
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That's impossible. That simply can't happen.
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- Oh, but it can.
- And it has.
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And it's pissed.
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Dude, is everything okay? You left the front door open.
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There was no time.
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So, Love Solutions?
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Did you meet the love of your life?
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She said it'd take three days. It's been five days.
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Should I be worried?
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Oh, just play it cool. Don't Ted out about it.
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Did you just use my name as a verb?
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Oh, yeah. We do that behind your back.
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"Ted out," to overthink.
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Also see "Ted up."
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"Ted up"-- to overthink something with disastrous results.
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Sample sentence: Billy Tedded up when he tried...
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Okay, I get it.
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Don't worry. I'm not going to Ted anything up. Or out.
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I should give it a few more days.
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Hi, Ellen. Remember me? I'm Ted.
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Ted, hi. I, uh, meant to call you.
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The computer is still crunching the numbers.
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Busy as a bee, that little computer.
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You said it was going to be three days.
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Did I?
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Three days? Really?
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Yeah, and when someone says you're going to meet the perfect woman in three days,
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you kind of put that in your date book, so...
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How do I say this? This is going to be really hard.
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Ted... there are absolutely no women out there for you.
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Phew, actually, I got through that okay.
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There're no women out there for me? I thought you said there were eight.
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I know. There are supposed to be. I don't know where they are.
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But... I'm an architect. And you said I'm cute.
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I'm a cute architect.
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How do you think I feel? I have a 100% success rate.
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That's my hook.
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I could maybe find somebody for you if you were gay.
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Well, I'm not.
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- A little bi maybe?
- No!
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You're messing with me, right?
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Come see for yourself.
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I cannot set you up unless you have a compatibility rating of 7.0 or higher.
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And look, 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.
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There's a 9.6 right there.
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Don't touch the computer.
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Yes, Sarah O'Brien.
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I fixed her up six months ago. She would have been absolutely perfect for you.
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Well, what about the guy you set her up with? Is he a 9.6 compatibility rating?
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8.5.
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So he sucks.
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No, 8.5 is an extremely good match-up quotient.
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Oh, sure, it's good.
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It's solid, but a 9.6?
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9.6 is off the charts, but Sarah is matched up.
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Ted, look, I have a lunch.
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Please, I promise we will find you somebody. Don't lose hope.
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There are new women turning 18 every day.
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It's a whole new species-- the cock-a-mouse.
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And it's the size of a potato.
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So what, now it's a cock-a-potato-mouse?
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Don't make it sound ridiculous. It's a cock-a-mouse.
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My God, this is incredible. We're like the same person.
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Sarah O'Brien loves brunch, she wants to have two children.
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Her guilty pleasure song is "Summer Breeze" by Seals and Crofts.
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Wow, Ted, sounds like you're her perfect woman.
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And like the majestic seahorse, it's hermaphroditic.
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Obviously the whole thing is shrouded in mystery.
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For as much as we know about the cock-a-mouse,
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there's still so much we don't know.
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Well, we know that there's no such thing as the cock-a-mouse.
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What we don't know is what you guys have been smoking.
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So you really don't believe in the cock-a-mouse?
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Well, I believe that you saw something perfectly normal,
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but you've exaggerated it in your mind, you know?
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Like the Loch Ness Monster.
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If by "like the Loch Ness Monster," you mean totally exists and is awesome,
220
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then yeah, it's like the Loch Ness Monster.
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Its diet is not unlike our own-- grains, cereals-- and it's awfully fond of cheese.
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Okay, this is getting weird. The similarities go on and on.
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She hates phonies. I totally hate phonies, too.
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She's a dermatologist. I have skin.
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You want to be her boyfriend. She already has a boyfriend, it's uncanny.
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All right.
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But it wouldn't hurt to check her out, right?
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See what my 9.6 looks like in person?
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As, you know, a frame of reference.
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And if she thinks she can do 11.45% better, who am I to deny her that?
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That's right. I did the math.
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Hi.
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Hi. I'm Dr. O'Brien.
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I'm Architect Mosby.
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Sorry, I just wanted to say my job, too.
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Hi, I'm Ted.
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Hi. So what are we doing today?
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Right, I, uh, I have a kind of mole on my back.
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It's probably nothing, but I'm a cautious guy.
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I'm exactly the same.
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Summer breeze makes me feel fine
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Blowing through the jasmine in my mind
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Sorry about that.
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"Summer Breeze" is my guilty pleasure song.
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It's been stuck in my head ever since I heard it this weekend...
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at brunch.
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I love brunch.
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It's the best.
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As long as I don't have to spend it with a bunch of phonies.
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I like the way you think, Architect Mosby.
251
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:36,520
Hey, this may sound weird, but it'll definitely sound more weird once my shirt's off.
252
00:12:36,600 --> 00:12:38,120
So I'm going to ask you now.
253
00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:40,640
Do you want to have dinner with me Saturday night?
254
00:12:41,400 --> 00:12:45,920
That's very sweet, but I'm actually getting married on Saturday.
255
00:12:47,360 --> 00:12:48,520
Friday night?
256
00:12:52,240 --> 00:12:54,960
Wow. You're getting married. Congratulations.
257
00:12:55,040 --> 00:12:56,000
Thank you.
258
00:12:56,120 --> 00:12:58,080
I'm really sorry I asked you out, it just felt like
259
00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,200
there could be this weird connection between us.
260
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:01,760
How crazy am I coming off here?
261
00:13:01,840 --> 00:13:03,120
Only a little.
262
00:13:03,520 --> 00:13:07,640
Well... if by some million-to-one long shot and I'm not rooting for this--
263
00:13:07,840 --> 00:13:10,480
you wind up not getting married this weekend,
264
00:13:10,840 --> 00:13:12,080
give me a call.
265
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,160
Okay.
266
00:13:13,280 --> 00:13:16,240
But it's not likely. I look damn good in my dress.
267
00:13:16,720 --> 00:13:18,080
I'm sure you do.
268
00:13:22,040 --> 00:13:25,160
Wow, that's a pretty sophisticated trap.
269
00:13:25,240 --> 00:13:27,480
You think the roadrunner's going to fall for it?
270
00:13:27,600 --> 00:13:29,240
Okay, we get it. You're skeptical.
271
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,320
But Marshall and I, we're believers.
272
00:13:31,400 --> 00:13:32,400
We believe.
273
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:35,640
Yeah, look around. The universe is mysterious and awesome.
274
00:13:35,720 --> 00:13:38,800
You've got the Bermuda Triangle, ghosts, Bigfoot.
275
00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:42,080
Bad maps, creaky houses, hillbilly in a gorilla suit.
276
00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:43,440
Aliens.
277
00:13:43,720 --> 00:13:46,160
Oh, come on, you've got to give me aliens.
278
00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:50,200
Stonehenge, Area 51, there's alien crap all over the place.
279
00:13:50,440 --> 00:13:52,080
You can't be serious.
280
00:13:52,240 --> 00:13:54,560
My friend, you just poked the bear.
281
00:13:56,520 --> 00:14:02,240
So my 9.6-- beautiful, charming, intelligent, engaged.
282
00:14:02,640 --> 00:14:04,680
Oh, Ted. I'm so sorry.
283
00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,080
Yeah, it was a long shot.
284
00:14:06,160 --> 00:14:08,800
I told her to call me anyway if she changes her mind, but I don't know.
285
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,640
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let's not skip over this.
286
00:14:12,000 --> 00:14:16,080
Raise your hand if earlier today you hit on an engaged woman.
287
00:14:19,520 --> 00:14:21,600
Come on, Lily. Don't hate the player, hate the game.
288
00:14:22,000 --> 00:14:28,600
"On the night of July 2, 1947, conditions we clear over Roswell, New Mexico..."
289
00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:29,720
Oh, geez.
290
00:14:29,840 --> 00:14:31,800
Oh, hey, Ted, there's a message on the machine for you.
291
00:14:31,880 --> 00:14:32,800
Dr. O'Brien.
292
00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:33,920
What?
293
00:14:34,040 --> 00:14:36,360
"When suddenly an array of..."
294
00:14:37,400 --> 00:14:39,560
Ted, hi, this is Dr. O'Brien.
295
00:14:39,640 --> 00:14:42,480
About today, listen, I really need to talk to you.
296
00:14:42,600 --> 00:14:44,600
Call me. I'll be at the office all day.
297
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:47,360
The doctor will see you now.
298
00:14:52,960 --> 00:14:54,840
What should I do? I should totally go down there, right?
299
00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:58,600
Don't interfere. Some guy is expecting to marry this woman on Saturday.
300
00:14:58,680 --> 00:15:00,960
Yeah, an 8.5 guy.
301
00:15:01,040 --> 00:15:04,400
Look, if I was marrying the wrong person and the right person was out there and knew it,
302
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:07,880
I'd want that person to come down to my dermatology office and tell me so.
303
00:15:08,000 --> 00:15:11,360
In that scenario, I'm not interfering, I'm a happy ending.
304
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:12,760
Happy ending.
305
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:14,800
Look, I have to go down there.
306
00:15:14,920 --> 00:15:17,360
I don't know what's going to happen when I get there, but I've got to give it a shot.
307
00:15:17,720 --> 00:15:20,000
All right, see you later. Happy hunting.
308
00:15:20,120 --> 00:15:23,240
Wait, where are you guys going? Don't you want to stay and see the cock-a-mouse?
309
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,640
Yeah, we're going to go make some crop circles.
310
00:15:29,960 --> 00:15:31,080
Oh, my God!
311
00:15:31,160 --> 00:15:33,240
Holy crap buckets. We got it.
312
00:15:33,360 --> 00:15:34,560
What do we do with it?
313
00:15:34,640 --> 00:15:36,440
Calm down. I have a plan.
314
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:40,360
I told my friend Sadip about it. He wants to show it to the Columbia biology department.
315
00:15:40,440 --> 00:15:42,000
But it has to be alive.
316
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:43,280
Wait, no, no!
317
00:15:43,360 --> 00:15:46,920
They'll do lab experiments on it. That's so mean.
318
00:15:47,040 --> 00:15:49,520
Shouldn't we just beat it to death with a bat?
319
00:15:54,280 --> 00:15:55,360
Hello again.
320
00:15:56,760 --> 00:16:01,520
I'm glad you came down. I would prefer to say this to you in person.
321
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:04,600
Go ahead, Sarah. You can tell me anything.
322
00:16:04,720 --> 00:16:07,680
You have a basal cell carcinoma.
323
00:16:08,160 --> 00:16:09,920
Anything else?
324
00:16:11,320 --> 00:16:14,160
Your mole. The biopsy came back.
325
00:16:14,240 --> 00:16:17,960
It's not life-threatening, but we should excise the rest of it.
326
00:16:18,040 --> 00:16:20,040
Wait, then you're still getting married?
327
00:16:20,120 --> 00:16:21,680
Of course I'm still getting married.
328
00:16:21,760 --> 00:16:23,640
But we're a 9.6.
329
00:16:23,720 --> 00:16:25,200
Excuse me?
330
00:16:25,320 --> 00:16:29,720
Okay. I went to Love Solutions, and I saw on Ellen Pierce's computer,
331
00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:31,320
that you and I are a 9.6.
332
00:16:31,400 --> 00:16:33,200
Your fiancé is only an 8.5.
333
00:16:33,320 --> 00:16:34,720
You looked at my file?
334
00:16:34,800 --> 00:16:37,120
I had to. You're my only match.
335
00:16:37,200 --> 00:16:38,360
Aren't you even a little curious?
336
00:16:38,440 --> 00:16:41,160
The woman who set you up with your fiancé, thinks we're a better match.
337
00:16:41,240 --> 00:16:44,400
I am getting married on Saturday.
338
00:16:46,320 --> 00:16:48,320
Summer breeze...
339
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:49,400
Ted.
340
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,320
Look, don't you think you're being a little impulsive
341
00:16:51,400 --> 00:16:53,160
marrying a guy you just met a few months ago?
342
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:54,760
Don't you think it's a little impulsive for you
343
00:16:54,840 --> 00:16:57,800
to proposition an engaged woman you don't even know?
344
00:16:57,880 --> 00:17:00,160
See? We're both impulsive.
345
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:01,440
We're perfect for each other.
346
00:17:01,520 --> 00:17:02,760
Ted, just calm down.
347
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:05,040
Calm down?! You're my only match.
348
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:09,920
God, there was a computer and there were eight fish in a sea full of lesbians and...
349
00:17:09,920 --> 00:17:11,240
Okay, Ted, Ted.
350
00:17:12,400 --> 00:17:16,480
Do you honestly believe, deep down, that there is no one else out there for you
351
00:17:16,560 --> 00:17:19,000
just because some computer says so?
352
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:25,480
I didn't used to. But there was math, I got confused.
353
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,040
Love isn't a science. You can't calculate a feeling.
354
00:17:30,160 --> 00:17:34,760
When you fall in love with someone, an 8.5 equals a perfect ten.
355
00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:37,240
You're right.
356
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:42,120
If this thing is what you say it is, it could be huge for my career.
357
00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:43,960
Brace yourself, dude.
358
00:17:44,080 --> 00:17:46,320
This is going to blow your mind hole.
359
00:17:49,760 --> 00:17:50,800
You bastard.
360
00:17:50,880 --> 00:17:52,440
I actually got excited about this.
361
00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:53,360
What?
362
00:17:53,440 --> 00:17:54,680
It's empty.
363
00:17:56,680 --> 00:17:59,720
Wait, but if it's not here, that means...
364
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:01,640
Lily.
365
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:03,880
Robin!
366
00:18:03,960 --> 00:18:04,840
What?
367
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:09,080
Oh, my God.
368
00:18:09,160 --> 00:18:09,920
It's real.
369
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:11,320
No, is it?
370
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:12,880
Do something.
371
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,960
What the hell was that? You trying to get it drunk?
372
00:18:19,960 --> 00:18:21,760
It was the only thing I could think of.
373
00:18:22,320 --> 00:18:23,880
Lily! Thank God.
374
00:18:27,080 --> 00:18:28,520
Lily, I love you.
375
00:18:29,520 --> 00:18:30,920
Robin, open up the window!
376
00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,400
Open the window! Ah!
377
00:18:39,960 --> 00:18:41,600
It can fly.
378
00:18:42,840 --> 00:18:44,320
Wow.
379
00:18:45,240 --> 00:18:47,320
Be free, mutant beast.
380
00:18:47,560 --> 00:18:49,640
I'll miss this private war of ours.
381
00:18:49,760 --> 00:18:54,200
I grew to admire your tenacious... Holy mother of God, it's headed this way!
382
00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:03,920
Hi, Ellen.
383
00:19:06,120 --> 00:19:07,680
I think I want my money back.
384
00:19:09,200 --> 00:19:10,440
I'm a failure.
385
00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:13,280
I'm all washed up. I tried everything, Ted.
386
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:17,120
I widened the search parameters. I tweaked the program.
387
00:19:17,440 --> 00:19:21,240
Last night I stood out on the street for five hours
388
00:19:21,320 --> 00:19:24,320
showing your photo to random pedestrians. No takers.
389
00:19:25,000 --> 00:19:28,160
Although this transvestite hooker said he/she would do you for half price
390
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:32,720
because you kind of look like John Cusack and his/her favorite movie was Say Anything.
391
00:19:34,120 --> 00:19:37,360
Come on, Ellen. I mean, a pint of ice cream, isn't that a bit cliché?
392
00:19:37,480 --> 00:19:38,840
It's for the bourbon.
393
00:19:40,200 --> 00:19:42,560
This isn't hopeless. You're going to find someone for me.
394
00:19:42,640 --> 00:19:44,440
No, I won't.
395
00:19:44,520 --> 00:19:46,320
You're going to die alone.
396
00:19:46,600 --> 00:19:48,600
I'm not going to die alone.
397
00:19:48,720 --> 00:19:50,880
Look at me. I'm bright, I'm attractive.
398
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:52,640
You just got to get back out there and keep looking.
399
00:19:52,720 --> 00:19:54,480
No, you're never going to find anybody.
400
00:19:54,560 --> 00:19:58,000
And every year you're just getting older and it's getting harder and harder.
401
00:19:58,120 --> 00:20:00,680
You're being ridiculous. I'm going to be up on that wall one of these days.
402
00:20:00,720 --> 00:20:03,360
- No, you won't!
- Yes, I will!
403
00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:04,520
How do you know?
404
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,520
I don't know, but I believe.
405
00:20:07,600 --> 00:20:12,120
Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse can find love in this crazy city, then, damn it, so can I.
406
00:20:12,720 --> 00:20:14,000
You're losing me.
407
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:17,200
The point is, something good's going to happen to me.
408
00:20:17,280 --> 00:20:21,080
Maybe your computer will help, maybe it won't, but it'll happen.
409
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,560
So I should keep looking?
410
00:20:24,640 --> 00:20:26,440
Of course you should.
411
00:20:26,760 --> 00:20:30,360
And now, you're going to do it for free.
31834
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