All language subtitles for Norm.Macdonald.Me.Doing.Standup.2011.1080p.AMZN.WEBRip.DDP2.0.x264-monkee

- * My sister's kid
is tattooed *

* From his head
down to his toes *

* He claims trouble
follows him *

* Everywhere he goes *

* He's such a lazy,
loafin' *

* Good-for-nothin'
drunken slob *

* But still he thinks *

* I oughter give
his sorry ass a job *

* Yeah, people
and their problems *

* Are givin' me a pain *

* People
and their problems *

* Are messin'
with my brain *

* I try to help them some *

* But they always
stay the same *

* People and their
problems... *

- Wow, you're all right,
okay?

Thanks for coming out.

The great San Francisco,
greatest city, and, uh...

The amazing, uh, Fillmore,

And, uh, you know,
it's unbelievable...

It's good to be alive,
you know what I mean?

Isn't it?
That's what I say.

That's what I like.

That-- I find that

To be the goodest thing
there is,

To be alive.

And, uh, the reason
it's so good

Is because it's so bad
to be dead.

It's not like life's
so fucking great, but...

Compared to being
smothered in Earth.

So I'm just--
Every day, I'm happy now.

That's my goal in life
is not to die.

Everybody need a goal.

And so that's my New Year's
resolution every year.

I go,
"I'm not gonna die."

I think, actually,
scientists

Should kind of look
into that whole death thing,

Because, uh,

They seem to focus
on diseases,

And, uh, you know,

I don't give a fuck
about them,

Cause, you know,
the guy'll go,

"Hey, you got, uh...

"We fixed your,
uh, arthritis."

And then you go,
"I'm still gonna die?"

They go, "Yeah."

So that, I think,
is the biggest problem.

That's why I can't get
behind politicians, you know,

Cause they're always like,

"Our biggest problem today
is unemployment."

And I'm like,
"What about getting old

And sick and dying?"

Then they usher me out
the back way, you know, but...

Seriously, if there was
a politician ever that said,

"By my second term,
there will be no death."

I'd go, "I'm voting
for that fucker."

I'd just give that guy
all my money,

And I'd sit on a chair.

Sometimes, I actually think
I won't die.

You ever think that?

You go, "Fuck it,
I'm not dying."

But in your mind,
when, you know, you analy--

You realize, you know,
like--

Like, you know, my dad died
and my grandfather died

And my great-grandfather died,
you know.

And the guy before him,
I don't know.

Probably died.

I think he died.

Cause, otherwise,
he'd be on, uh, extra.

No, I...

I come from a long line
of death.

That's my point.

That's my point.

And so I fear it,
you know.

I fear it a lot.

And I think most of us do,
you know,

But it's funny, like, how--

Like, what we fear,
how we're gonna die.

It's always the ways we don't
die, you know what I mean.

Like we go, "God damn,

I hope a polar bear
doesn't eat me,"

Or some crazy shit,
you know.

Or I hope a airplane.

You know,
I got on a airplane today.

Every time you get
on an airplane, you go,

"I hope I don't die."

But you never die
on an airplane.

Ridiculous.

Or you go, "I hope a terrorist
does not attack and kill me.

I hope
that doesn't happen."

You know, you're
always afraid of that,

But you think about it,
what's the odds

That a terrorist
will attack and kill you?

You know,
almost zero, you know?

But what are the odds that you
will be attacked and killed

By your own heart?

It's probably 100%,
you know, I think.

Heart's not good.

People think it is,
but it isn't.

People like hearts.

They go, "Here's
a valentine's-- A heart."

You go, oh.
[laughs weakly]

They go, "That guy's
got a big heart."

I go, "He better
fuckin' watch it then,

"'Cause...

"Gonna attack and kill him.

I don't know
if he knows that."

That's what got my dad.

His heart attacked
and killed him

When he was lying
on his bed,

And, boom,
dead on the floor.

You know, they said
it was instantly.

And my dad,
he wasn't expecting it.

He was looking for
fuckin' arabs and shit,

And his heart attacked
and killed him.

And he was dead, like,
instantaneously.

And, uh, sad.

We were all sad.

When something
like that happens,

People just try
and make you feel better.

They'll say anything,
you know.

One guy said to me,
"Don't worry, Norm,

"He died in his sleep.

He didn't feel a thing."

And I was like,
"Really?

"When his heart attacked
and killed him,

He didn't--"

Cause I wake up, like,
if my cat walks across my belly.

You know that.

I don't know if my dad
was that sound a sleeper.

One guy said,
"He's in a better place."

I said,
"He's on the floor...

"Dead.

"Earlier, he was alive
on the bed.

"Now, with
that tempur-pedic pillow

"I bought him
for Christmas, I'm...

"I'm no physician,

"But I think that's
the better place over there.

On the, uh...
On the bed."

Your only chance
if you have a heart attack

Is if they get there
early enough,

They have these things
called defibrillators,

And what they do is,
they attack your heart.

Cause that's all
the heart understands

Is violence, you know.

And, uh, so they get
there early,

They go, "Aah!"

Then your heart's like,
"Aah! Wha--?!

I wasn't gonna kill him."

[laughs]

"Uh, that's-- That's funny
that you thought that.

"I was-- I was just worried
he was eating, uh,

Too much eggs and shit."

You can actually get
defibrillators.

Like, I urge you
to get them, you know.

Cause you can get 'em--

I order 'em--
You get 'em,

And then you can teach
your loved ones

How to use them on you.

And they even show how you
use them on yourself,

And, uh, so I sent away
for 'em,

And I'm getting 'em,
and, uh...

I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.

As soon as I get the box,

I am going to preemptively
attack my heart.

Like, before it does anything,
I'll just be like, "Aah!"

My heart's like,
"I didn't do anything!"

You go, "Fucking right, son,
and you're not going to.

"On account of I'm carrying
around these fuckers with me

"Wherever I go, so...

"I think I'll go
on a roller coaster now and...

Eat a egg."

But that's all
that'll get you-- A heart attack

Or a cancer.

That's the other thing,
you know.

My uncle Burt,
he's my great-uncle,

But we call him uncle Burt.

He got bowel cancer now.

He's, uh... He's dying
of it, you know.

And, uh--

Or like, uh,
some people like to say...

Now they--
See, in the old days,

A man could just get sick
and die, you know?

Now they have
to wage a battle,

[laughs] so...

So my uncle Burt
is waging a--

A courageous battle,

Which I have seen,
cause I go and visit him,

And this is the battle.

He's lying
in a hospital bed

With a thing in his arm,
watching Matlock on the TV.

The state
of that battle, I--

I got him the box set
of Matlock, and...

But it's not his fault.

What the fuck
is he supposed to do?

Go, "I got you!"

It's just a black thing
in his bowel.

And the reason
I don't like it is

Cause in the old days,
they'd go, "Hey!

That old man died."

Now they go, "Hey!

He-- He lost his battle."

That's no way
to end your life.

You know, "What a loser
that guy was.

Last thing he did
was lose."

"He was waging
a brave battle,

"But at the end,

"I guess he got kind of cowardly
was what happened.

"And then, the bowel cancer,
it got brave.

"You gotta give it
to the bowel cancer.

You know, they were
in a battle, and then--"

What the fuck?

And I'm pretty sure--
I'm not a doctor,

But I'm pretty sure
if the cancer dies--

I mean, if you die,
the cancer also dies

At exactly
the same time.

So that, to me,
is not a loss.

That's a draw.

That's a--
You know what I mean?

It's not like fucking

The cancer's gonna jump up
and go,

"Aah, I'm fucking
uncle Burt's wife.

"Where is he?

"I won fair and square.

"Is this where he works?

"Hi. Name's Cancer.
Where do I--

"You just show me
to my cubicle.

Bowel.
First name's Bowel."

No, man, I wouldn't have
no brave battle

When I'm fuckin' dyin',
I'll tell you this,

Cause I'm not brave.

So when the fuckin'
sickle of death

Is over my goddamn neck,

I'm gonna be so cowardly.

I'm-- You know, I'm afraid

Of going on ferris wheels
and shit.

You know?

I'm not gonna be brave.

I don't care
how old I am.

I could be 94.

I'll be like,
"Ooh, please, oh!

Take my grandson."

"Oh, he's young and fresh.

"I'd gladly make a deal
with the devil

"If there's any--

"I've read that
in literature.

Oh, anything, please."

Now, listen, man,
I like the news.

You guys like the news?

I always watch the news.

And I'll tell you something
about the news.

I don't understand it.

But for some reason,
I watch it.

I don't even know why,

But, uh, I think
I'm supposed to or something,

So I'll watch it,
and then the guy'll come on,

He'll go,
"Anyways, today, the deficit..."

And I'll go, "Ah ha ha,
I've heard that word."

And the guy goes,

"Today, the Dow Jones/Nasdaq
composite index is, uh, down,"

And then I go,
"Ah, that's not good."

Down.

Up. I like when it's up.

That's my opinion
on the...

Seems like
there's too much news,

Like, you know,
cause now they 24-hour news.

Now, when I was
a young boy,

The news was
half a hour.

That was the whole news,
you know,

And a guy would come on,
and he'd have a tie,

You know, and shit,
and he would say the news,

And it was
a half a hour long.

Now it's 24 hours long.

Now, it turns out
that back in the old days

When it was
only half a hour,

They had it about right.

That's about
all the news there is.

Even then, there would
always be, like, a story--

Some fucking story
at the end

About a caribou
or some horseshit,

So there wasn't even enough
to fill the half a hour.

But 24 hours,
way too long.

So they have to keep
repeating the stories

All the time
and everything,

And, uh, you know,
make up stories, you know.

They do that a lot,
make up

Things that aren't
really news stories,

But they have to, you know,
fill the 24 hours, you know.

And the one I notice
that they make up a lot,

This is the latest one
I've seen.

I see this all the time
on the news.

The newsman will come on,
he'll go...

He'll go,
"Good evening, everybody.

This is the newsman."

Whatever he says.
He's not gonna say that.

Then he goes,
"Our top story tonight,

A lady has vanished."

That's the story.

And then he goes,
"Let's go outside,

Where there's another guy."

So then they cut
to outside.

And then there's
a guy outside,

And he's like, "Hey, listen,
how's it going inside?

"We're outside, and, uh,

"We found out about
this lady that vanished.

"Her name was Janice,

"And they
found her car here

"In the Taco Bell
parking lot,

"And, uh, don't worry
about the car.

"It's fine, but, uh...

"Can't find
hide nor hair of the lady.

Well, back to you."

So then you're watching,

You go, "Well,
I don't give a fuck

On account of I never knew
Janice in the first place."

"Matter of fact,
I'm kind of happy it's Janice

And not somebody I know."

But then what they do is,

They start telling you
about Janice, you know?

And they go, "Hey, we got--

We found out some cool things
about Janice."

And you're like,
"No, that's cool.

I don't want to hear."

They go, "No, no,
you want to hear."

They can't help themselves,

So they go,
"Let's go back to Bill.

"He's, uh-- He's, uh,
still outside.

And, uh,
how's it going, Bill?"

And Bill's like,
"It's all right.

"It's no inside,
but it's cool.

"And, uh...

"Anyways, we found out
about Janice.

"Turns out
she's a good lady,

"And, uh, we found
some friends of hers,

And here they are."

And then, sure enough,
they show a lady

And it says,
"Friend of Janice."

And, uh, she says,

"I'll tell you something
about Janice.

"You want to hear
about Janice?

"Janice is the type of lady

"That you could
always turn to.

"You know, you ever
want to turn to somebody?

"Like, if you got
a problem or something,

And you know how you feel
like you want to turn?"

"You ever do that?

"Or maybe
your neck just hurts

"And you want to anyways.
The point of it is

"That once you swiveled
your head over this way,

"The person you'd
most want to see

In your eye line
would be Janice."

And then they have
another friend of Janice

That wasn't the first one,
and she'll go,

"I'll tell you Janice,
oh, my God.

"She was the type of lady

"That she could
walk into a room

"And light up the whole room,
you know?

"She didn't have a fucking light
or nothin' like that.

"She would just somehow,

"Through sheer tyranny of will,
she could somehow

Illuminate a room.
I don't know how."

And there'll be
Janice's third friend lady

That's not
one of the earlier two,

And then she goes,

"I'll tell you
about Janice.

"Is that who you're
asking me about, Janice?

"Janice was
the type of lady

"That you could be talking

"To your best friend
in the whole world,

"And then Janice come in
and you go,

Fuck you,
I'm talking to Janice.'"

"'Cause Janice
is better than you.

"'Come on, let's face it.

She's better
than all of us.'"

So anyways,
then you're at home,

And you start liking Janice,
you know what I mean?

You start getting
invested in her.

You go, "God damn, that Janice
is a cool lady.

"I would like
to meet her one day.

"That would be a lot of--

Fuck, I forgot
she vanished."

"Ah, just my luck."

"They'll find her."

Then you get hope.

That's not good.

I don't give a fuck
what Obama says,

Hope is never good.

Don't try it.
Never works out.

So you go...

You go, "Oh, man,
they'll find Janice.

"They're putting pictures up
of her on telephone poles.

"I think that worked
once, and..."

And then
the news keeps showing you

More things about Janice,
you know.

And they'll show you, like,
home videos of her.

You're like,
"God damn, look at that.

She's eating a pizza."

"I like her hair
like that."

"They'll find her."

And then you become
obsessed with Janice.

It's all you can think of,
you know?

You're at work,
fucking just can't wait

To get home, agonizing
over Janice, you know,

And thinking about her
eating pizza and shit.

And then you go home,

And your nights
are just fevered dreams

Of, you know, Janice
and bangs and shit like that.

And all you can do
is turn on the TV and hope,

And, you know...
And then one day, you know,

They go, "Hey,
more news on Janice.

Here's Bill.
He still outside."

And then Bill
is, like, outside,

And he's like,
"Here we are.

"Uh, as you can see
behind me,

"They are scouring
the woods.

They're still searching
for Janice," you know.

And then, you go,
"Oh, fuck, not the woods.

You know,
that's not--"

Nothing good
ever happens in the woods.

I've seen enough of
these fucking stories to know

That Janice ain't coming
bounding out of the woods

Any time soon,
I'll tell you that.

She's like, "Hey!
What's going on, everybody?

I-- I was just taking
a stroll through the woods."

"What are you taking
my picture for?

"I was just--

Just decided to take a stroll
through the scraggly woods."

No, if they find you
in the woods,

They always find you
in the same place.

Every time,
they will find you

In a, uh, shallow grave.

I don't know why they don't just
look there in the first place.

That's--
If I was the police chief,

I'd go, "Listen,
I want every shallow grave

"In the vicinity
checked out.

"I want to clear up
this case by Tuesday

"On account of

I'm running for D.A.,
or whatever."

But, uh...

Doesn't "Shallow grave"
Seem a might rash?

You know, if--

Like, these serial killers
are supposed to be so shrewd

And cunning and everything,
you know.

At least according
to the TV movies I've seen.

And, uh, but
then when it comes time

For the grave,

They get a little hasty,
you know.

"Here you go--
Three twigs and a leaf.

"That ought to do it.

"That doesn't look
like Janice anymore.

"Don't recall
Janice ever wearing

"Three leaves and a twig.

"Oh, well,
guess I'll go home

And await
the authorities now."

You gotta prepare
these things, you know?

You gotta be a little
smarter than that.

You know, what I would do,

And I would never, ever
kill a lady in cold blood...

[cheers and applause]

I wouldn't!

I know I say that now.
I don't really know.

I can't predict the future.

But I don't believe I...

I know there's
no river long enough

Doesn't contain a bend.

But I believe that,
right now...

And it might just
be vanity--

I don't think I would, uh,

I would kill a woman
in cold blood.

But if I did, I would plan it
out very carefully, you know?

Cause there's a lot at stake.

You know, you think about it,
you probably, you know...

Probably lose your job.
I don't know what happens.

That's a blemish
on the old C.V., you know?

Even in today's
enlightened society,

There remains a stigma
to being a psycho-sexual sadist.

But, uh...

What I would do
is I would, like,

I would look at the la--
I would select a lady,

And then I would follow
her habits.

You understand
what I'm saying?

Like, I would watch her
very carefully, you know?

And I'd go, "Hey!
I notice that every day,

"She goes to that
cheese sandwich shop,

"And then she comes out
with a little paper bag.

I'll bet you anything there's
cheese sandwiches in there."

You know?

So then I keep that
in my head, you understand.

Then I'd say, "Hey!

"I notice every
Wednesday evening,

"She goes with
her other lady friends,

"And they go down
to the YWCA

And they play basketball
with each other."

Which is fine nowadays.
You know?

So what I would do is,

On Wednesday,
I would go down to the YWCA.

And what would I be holding

In my right hand
in the parking lot

But a cheese sandwich?

So then she would eventually
come out of the YWCA,

You know, all sweaty
with her, uh, you know,

Her ridiculous, three-colored
ball and everything there.

You know, and...
I'd be standing there.

[laughter and applause]

And then she'd go, "Hey,
what's in your right hand?"

And I'd go, "Nothin'."
I'd be coy, you know.

And she'd go...

She'd go, "There's something
in your right hand."

I'd go, "Listen, lady...

"Who knows more about
what's in their right hand,

"You or me?
I believe--

"Oh, this!

"No, this is just
a cheese sandwich.

"Why, you like 'em
or something? What's...

"I got a whole fucking van
full of 'em over there.

"Right over there.

"Yeah. Yeah, that craziest-
lookin' fucking van

"You ever saw...

That's filled
with cheese sandwiches."

You don't have to have
cheese sandwiches

In the van, by the way,
if you're...

You know.

Unless you want to be known
for your detailed work,

It's not...

It's not really necessary.

Then I would get
the lady in the van,

And I would drive her
to a remote area,

An area...

Most known
for its remoteness.

That's what
I would look for.

And anyways, I'd take her
to the remote area,

Where I'd constructed a shed,

And then I would get her
in there,

And I would do that thing
that makes me feel like God.

And, uh...

And then her screams would just
bounce off the walls

And echo out into nowhere
and never...

Touch the ear
of civilized man again.

And then I would take
her body to the woods,

And bury her in a very,
very, very deep grave.

[laughter and applause]

That's...

That would be
most of my preparation.

I would start
digging the grave

Before I chose
the victim.

Couple of years before,

I'd be out
digging a grave.

But, no, listen...

Enough of this grimness.

Although my buddy--
I did want to say one thing

About my buddy Richie,
who has a disease.

And, uh, but it's--

It's an interesting disease
he has.

He has the disease
of alcoholism.

Alcoholism.

And, uh, he came to me,
you know,

And he told me, and, uh,
I like to look--

I'm the kind of guy
that likes to look

At the bright side
of things, you know?

So I told him, I said,
"Richie, it's true

"That you have a disease
and everything.

But... I think you got
the best one."

It's the only disease
where you

Get to drink booze
all the time.

I-- I haven't looked
at every medical journal,

But I believe...

It's the only disease where
you can constantly drink booze.

As a matter of fact,
that is the disease.

You know, and I don't
think Richie

Would think if he had a--

Like, I don't think Richie
would go to my uncle Burt

And go, "Hey, I understand
you got bowel cancer.

"Yeah, man,
I know how you feel.

"I gotta...
Drink a lot of booze.

"Those diseases...

"They're tough, those diseases,
huh, uncle Burt?

Hey, what's your symptoms,
uncle Burt?"

"Well, my bowel, I got blood
pouring out of it all the time.

"I got bowel blood pourin' out,
gushin' out of my bowel,

"Almost nonstop.

"And, uh, I got searing,
clawing pains,

"Ripping, tearing, you know.

"Uh... Mind-screeching...
Bowel pains.

"And, uh, they're combined
with aching, dull,

Soul-deadening bowel pain."

"Those are basically
my symptoms. How about you?"

"I get happy."

"And, uh, you know.

"I tend to be able to talk
to people easier, I find."

"Sometimes, I will
meet a lady at a bar,

"Got the same disease
as I do,

"And I'll fuck her.

"But, uh...

"That's in the latter stages
of the disease,

"Uncle Burt.
You ought to realize that.

You know
what I mean, uncle Burt?"

But, uh...
No, but, listen, man,

I don't minimize
what he does, though,

Cause he's...
He, you know,

He admits that he's
a alcoholic

And that he's weaker
than a bottle,

And that ain't easy
to do.

I couldn't do
any of that shit.

I'm too proud,
you know what I mean.

I got too much pride,
you know.

Like they say
in the scriptures,

"Pride goeth
before the fall," you know.

And he can somehow...

You know, it's
a very beautiful thing he does.

He goes to
alcoholics anonymous,

And he says, right in front
of them, he says--

You know, he goes in front
of a whole room full of people,

And he says, "I am a alcoholic,"
You know?

Which I know does not sound
that anonymous.

But...

I didn't
name the group, but...

Sounds like the exact opposite
of anonymous.

Whatever.

Like, to me,
the alcoholics that--

You know, the anonymous
alcoholics to me

Would be like you guys.
I don't fucking know, I...

I can't tell.
You know?

But once you tell a whole
church basement full of people,

Your cover's
pretty well blown.

But, uh...

Anyways, it still requires
a lot of...

The only thing they seem
to be anonymous about,

From the way
I can gather it,

Is they won't tell you
their last names.

Anything else goes,
you know?

But, uh, not the last name.
Oh, no.

Sometimes,
they'll say the first--

Like they'll go, "I am Richie,
and I am a alcoholic."

Or the first initial.

They'll say, "Hi, my name
is Richie K.,

And I am a alcoholic."

Then anything goes.

They're like, "Ah ha ha,
one time I, uh,

"I remember I was under the
influence of the demon rum,

"And, uh...

"By God I started punching
my newborn in the face.

"Ah ha, yeah, it was...

"Then I looked down
at my fist,

"And it was all bloody
with, uh...

"I don't know what it was.

"It was either
from my knuckles

"Or my son's skull.

"Yeah.

"I'm not telling you
my last name.

"That's...

"That's none
of your beeswax.

"As far as I'm concerned,

"A man should have a little,
you know...

"Did I ever tell you
about the time

"I blew a dog
for a pint of gin?

"I ever tell you that story?

Oh, yeah, I told--
I did tell you that one?"

"First initial's 'K',
I'll give you that much.

"Richie K., but I'm not gonna
tell you the last letters.

"Plus, you can
memorize my face.

"But other than that...

"I would like to keep this
completely anonymous.

If there was just a way
I could..."

And what better way
to keep a secret,

When you think about it,

Than tell a room
full of drunks?

That's not going anyplace,
you know.

Soon as the guy
has a relapse,

"Hey, Richie blew a dog
for a pint of gin.

He told
a whole bunch of us."

All right.

I mean, I understand,
the dog had some gin.

What are you gonna do?

"Oh, yeah, Richie K.
You know Richie K.?"

But I don't drink myself,
you know.

It's not 'cause I'm no big--
I'm just afraid.

You know, I fear everything,
you know.

And, uh, so I'm afraid to
and stuff.

But, um... I used to.

Now I don't drink,

And when you're
with people that drink,

It doesn't work out.

That's why
that designated driver thing

I don't think
ever worked out.

I see ads
for it again,

Like, you know, trying
to resurrect that idea,

But it's kind
of a flawed notion, you know?

It's like,
"Hey, Bill, listen,

"We were wondering
if you'd come out with us.

Here's the idea."

"We want to go out
and drink,

"And then we were hoping
you'd come with us

"And not drink.

"How's that sound to you?

"We're gonna go to a bunch
of different bars and drink,

"And then you'd come with us
and not drink.

"Also, we're
not gonna be driving.

"You're gonna pick us up
at our different houses,

"Go to a bunch of bars,

"Not drink while we drink,

"And then drive us all home.

"How's that sound to you?
How's--

How's that catch you?"

Guy's like, "I don't know,
what's the catch?

It sounds too good."

"Is there some sort of..."

But I don't drink,
and if you don't drink,

I'll tell you something,
bars are not a lot of fun,

Because, you know,
when you think about it,

Fuckin' all--
You know, all it is

Is you're just sitting at
a big oak table for four hours.

It's not...

That's not fun
unless you're drunk.

And then everybody else'll
be drinking,

You know what I mean,

So their fun is going
up and up and up, you know.

It's rising.
Their fun is escalating,

While your fun
is staying exactly the same.

And then by the end
of the night,

You don't even know what
the fuck they're laughing about.

Just everybody's laughing.

And then they start
resenting you for it.

I've seen that, man.

Drunk people do not want
a not-drunk guy there.

I know that.
I've been there so many times.

It always ends the same.

Guy comes up to you, goes,

"Hey, what's the matter
with you?

"Cheer up.

Ahh!"

Then you're like, "Oh, now
I'm having a good time, too.

"Don't take a wild swing
at me when I'm not looking.

"I'll be driving you home
later.

This is a lot of fun."

Worst thing about
not drinking is, uh,

Is-- Is sex.

Because if you're drinking,

You can meet a girl,
she'd be drunk,

And that very night you can
have sex with her,

Called a one-night stand.
Now...

If you're not drinking--

I don't know if you've ever
had a one-night stand

Dead, clean sober...

But I have.

And it's not a lot of fun.

Get back to your apartment,
you're like,

"All right, I guess I'll take my
trousers off now, ma'am, and...

"No, I won't.
Sorry about that.

"Well, good-bye.
It was nice to meet you.

"I don't know what
I was thinking.

"We're human beings.

"Once again, I apologize
for the trousers incident.

Very nice to meet you."

Because booze somehow--
I don't know how it works.

But it's some magic elixir

Where it takes away the--

It makes you think that sex
is not a dirty,

Filthy, shameful thing.

I don't know how it does it,
but it does it.

And, uh, in regular life,

That's why sex is so tough
to get going,

Because it's so shameful
and filthy, and, uh...

Obviously meant only
for procreation.

So when you get--
When you get--

When you do it,
you know--

And my friend was like,
"Oh, there's nothing

Shameful about sex."

But I was like,
"Of course there is."

On account of I think about
what you do before sex,

You know what I mean?
Like you--

You take the phone off the hook
and everything like that.

You make sure the kids
aren't around or whatever.

You know?
You pull the blinds down, right?

What's that?
That's shame.

That's what blinds
were made for.

Pull down, shame.

You don't
pull the blinds down

When you're making
a nice cherry pie

For old widow Hamilton, huh?

I notice they stay up
for that.

Poor old widow Hamilton.

Her osteoarthritis now
has become so bad--

I don't know if you know
widow Hamilton, but, uh...

Really, her only joy
in the later years

Has become her pies,
and, uh...

Her osteoarthritis
has become so bad,

She can't knead anymore.

You know, you have to knead.

She's now lost her ability
to knead.

Anyways...

No, I'm just saying, I don't
want to boast or anything,

But if it wasn't for me

And some of the other members
of the community,

I don't know if the old bird
would still be with us.

But that's not the point.
The point is,

Sex is a filthy,
shameful thing.

And...

Like, all right,
one time, I read this.

This is a thing I read,
uh, uh, by a scientist.

It was in one of those
big science books, you know?

Or else it was one line
in usa today.

I can't remember.
But...

But it said this.
It said,

"Scientists now say

That a man thinks about sex
once every 7.3 seconds."

Now...

Now, of course,
that's horseshit.

Like, how could that
possibly be, you know?

You couldn't walk
down the street,

"Uh, cock, pussy, ass."

You know, you'd blow
your fucking head off

By the second day.

And, also, I am a man.

I don't need no scientist
telling me nothin'.

I know what I think
once every 7.3 seconds.

Plus, I don't like when
they use decimals like that.

You know,
guy could have said

Once every 10 or 15 seconds.

You know, he had
to prove he was a scientist.

But anyways,

I know what I think
once every 7.3 seconds.

I'll just be walking
down the street, you know.

You just, you know,
you're like,

"Doodley do.
Hey, there's a building.

"Doo doo doo dee.

"Hey, look at that.

"Guy wearing cowboy boots
over there.

"How 'bout that? Huh.

"Doodley doo. Wonder if i
should wear cowboy boots.

"Nah, I'm too old
for that stuff.

"Oh, there's
that building again.

"Doodley doo.

"Hey, my ass is itchy
over here.

"I can't scratch my ass
out here in the street.

"Hey, Willie Nnelson
still wears cowboy boots.

"Billy Joe Shaver, too.

Those fellas must be
well nigh threescore and ten."

Anyway, it's just a bunch
of meaningless gibberish.

That's my point.

But it's not sex.

And then, the real time--

This is the amount of time
that you think about sex.

Every once in a while.

Which is...
Not a scien--

Scientists don't like
that term.

But every once in a while
you think about it,

And, uh, you know,
like, I think about it

Every couple days.

Or if you're a younger man,

You probably
think about it more.

You know what I mean?

But then
the problem becomes,

When you think about it,

It's all
you can think about.

You know what I mean?

It just encompasses
your whole brain.

You know, you're just like,
"Aah!"

You're like a--

Like a fucking werewolf
or something, like...

Usually, you're a civilized
human being.

But then every couple days,
you're like, "Ah hah...

Ah hah."

And then you gotta
close the blinds, you know?

And then...

[cheers and applause]
"Agh ahh...

"Ahh, the bedroom.
Gotta go back to the bedroom.

Agh, take a lady
back there. Agh."

And then you go
to your bedroom,

Which normally,
I love the bedroom.

It's the most beautiful place
where you can, you know,

Finally escape this hellish joke
we call a life, and just...

You know, lie on your
tempur-pedic pillow

And, uh...

Dream of jelly rolls
and stuff like that.

But not when you're in this
state, you know what I mean?

Then you go in,
you're like, "Aaghh!"

And the things that you do
in that bedroom...

Good Lord God, it's--

It's beyond the imagination

Of you as a civilized
human being most of the time.

You know what I mean?
You're in there, you're like,

"Aahh! Aagh!

"Rahr ah hah!

Aghh!"
Your fucking mind's gone.

Your mind is gone.
That's all I know.

You ever actually
say things that you're doing?

Your mind's fucking so gone,
you're like,

"I am fucking you!
Aaah!

My cock is going--
Ahh hah!"

And the lady's like,
"Yeah, I know, whatever."

"You don't have to say it."

Ladies don't have
that "Aagh" thing.

They're--
They're more elevated.

I don't know what they--
I can't speak for ladies.

I don't know
what the fuck they do...

In the bedroom.

I think they just
try and make a noise

They think you will like,
you know?

That's about...

They're like, uh,
"Whoo! How's that?"

You're like,
"Yeah, that's fine. Aaagh!"

But... Girls don't
have the same thing.

You know how you can
really know that,

Is, you ever be having sex
with a lady, the phone rings?

Lady can answer the phone.

Whilst you're having sex.

She's like,
"Ooh, yes, that's good.

Whatever that is.
Ahh."

And then the phone rings.
She's like, "Hello?"

And you're like, "Aagh."

Just... She's like,
"Oh, hi, marcie.

"What's going on?

[scoffs] "Well, you're
not gonna get it back.

"Because it's Shirley.

"Well, don't--
No, it's not you, honey.

"It's--
You're too good, it's...

"Don't you remember
the blouse?

"Look, sweetie,
I'm on your side.

"I'll talk to you tomorrow.
We'll have a, uh,

"We'll go to lunch,
have a, uh...

Endive salad."
Whatever the fuck.

I don't know
what ladies eat.

And then they can go back,
you know, and go, "Go ahead."

You know,
and you're like, "Agh!"

But... The point is,
a guy could never--

The guy would never
answer the phone.

It would be impossible,
you know?

You can be like, "Aah!"
The ding-ding.

"Ahh! Hello?
Ahh!

"Oh, yeah. Hey, Frank,
what's going on?

"Yeah, I remember that shirt.
What? I'm about to--

I gotta go!
Aagh!"

You know.

Frank's clearly not getting
his shirt back, but...

You got no time for it,
you know?

You got--
Your head's gone.

But I'll tell you when you
know sex is the most shameful,

When you feel it the most,

Is a moment after sex...

The moment, the smallest
amount of time in physics,

The moment right after sex.

That's when you're just
a vessel of shame, you know?

It's like... You're just
lying there like,

[whimpers]

"Well, that was odd, huh?"

[chuckles]

"I guess I'll go get some sour
cream and onion chips now if..."

"I'd prefer if we never
spoke of this again.

Would that be okay?"

That's why I never
understood guys

That add more shame to it.

You know what I mean?

As if it's not
shameful enough,

Some people will pile on more
shame, you know what I mean?

Like you ever read about
those guys, like they'll...

Wear a rubber suit
of some fucking thing.

And a lady'll
whip their balls,

Or I don't know
what the fuck.

But... It all ends up
the same, you know.

You're still like,
"Heh heh heh."

But now you got
a crazy getup on.

"All right, then.

"Why don't you go turn on
Matlock, and, uh...

"I'll take these
rubber trousers off and...

Put those in the hamper."

So I'm very ashamed of sex
and everything.

Some people
are proud of it, though.

I have met guys that are
proud of their sexual,

Like, prowess.

You ever hear that word?
I read that once.

It's, uh, it means like,
how good they are at sex.

They'll pra--
Brag about it.

They'll go, "I'll tell you,
man, what I'm good at

Is, you know,
fuckin' and suckin'."

Seems like the oddest
thing, you know.

Cause how hard is sex?

You know, it's one
of the easiest things

That you could--

It's not like darts
or something, you know.

Have you ever played darts?
It's like, "Ah, what?

"Triple? I can't--

I keep getting four."

I don't know, but...

Sex couldn't be simpler.

Hey, there's only like
five things you can do

In the whole fucking thing.

You know?

You ever think
you invented a sixth?

You're like,
"What about this? Aagh!"

Then later, you go,
"Ah, in all humility,

I guess that was
pretty close to number five."

You know who's really--

You know who's really
proud of their sex?

You ever hear guys with
small cocks talk about it?

Small cock guys.
Them guys.

Holy Lord.
Can't talk about it enough.

They even got poems.
You know, they'll say,

"Ah, it's not the motion
of the ocean,

It's the boat
of the lotion."

I don't know.

I don't know the-- I don't
memorize the poems.

But...

I've even heard variants
of the same poem.

It's like, "It's not the tree
or the size,

It's the ax
that you whacks."

I don't know.

But, uh, it's...

It's a little sub genre
of poetry now

That's taught in many
of our finer institutions.

Turns out guys
with small cocks,

Nothing they like more

Than just spoutin'
free verse at home

About their...

And the...
[chuckling]

The subtext of every one
of these beautiful poems

Is, uh, it doesn't matter
how big your cock is,

It's what you do with it.

You know?

Like the guy with the giant cock
would have no clue.

You know, how would...

How would he possibly know?

It's like, "What do you do?
You put it in, and then you...

"I'm stumped.
I don't know."

"It's ironic-- Everyone
wants my giant cock,

"But...

"I don't think
I'll ever solve this...

"Rubric.
I don't know, I...

"If only it was smaller
and easier to maneuver, I...

"I can't--
I can't figure it.

I don't know."

Oh, man.

The fucking camera
fucking taking a picture of...

What the fuck are you doing?
You just like that--

That guy just clearly
likes that lady.

He's like a half an inch
away from her vagina

With the camera.

What is that?

We got the TV here.

The TV is with us.

You guys are gonna be
on the TV.

Mostly, it's gonna be
me talking,

And then somehow,
it'll cut to a shot

Of this lady's vagina.

Don't quite understand.

Has he given you
his business card yet?

No, listen, um...

Hey, it's great
to be here in San Francisco.

Uh, this is the first week
of, uh, the golf, you know,

And Tiger is, uh, my
favorite golfer ever, you know.

And, you know,
he went to Stanford.

If you guys don't know that,
which is awesome.

And, uh, I'm hoping
this is his year, man,

Cause I feel bad
for the guy, you know.

And, uh, God damn, it's too bad
that happened and everything.

And, uh, you know,
whatever.

I just hope he does good,
that's all I'm saying.

It was funny,
at the time it happened,

I--you know,
you get so, like, naive

About things,
you know what I mean?

Like I remember I was, like,
outraged and everything.

I don't know what the fuck
I was thinking, you know?

Like I don't know
what I thought his life was,

But I remember at the time
going, "What?!

"I don't believe you.

"Are you telling me--
You tell--

"Are you trying to tell me

"That that guy
is worth 6 billion.

"You're telling me

"That the world's greatest
athlete over there,

"Tiger Woods,
you're telling me

"That that guy,

"That super handsome,
charismatic dude

"Likes to lie down with ladies?
I don't buy it.

"I...

"Don't buy that
for one second.

Doesn't make any sense."

And then when it turned out
to be true,

I was all, like, outraged
like an idiot, you know.

I was like, "Ahh!

"I don't like hypocrites.

"I don't care for that.
I--

"He always presented
himself in public

As a golfer."

"I would see him on TV.

"He'd be hitting
a golf ball and shit,

"And the golf ball
would get near the hole.

"That's what I thought.

"I didn't know he was leading
some kind of double life

"Where he was golfing by day

"And laying down with ladies
at the night.

"If I'd known that,

"I never would have bought
the fucking buick

"In the first place,
you know.

"Now I'm driving
down the street in my buick,

People snickering at me."

I don't know.

I don't know what I thought
his life was.

I try to remember back,
you know?

Cause when you look at it,

Of course, it makes complete
sense, you know.

What do you think,
he's like,

"Hey, I'm Tiger Woods.

"I just won
the Tiger Slam last--

"I have sipped
from the claret jug,

"And I've hoisted
the Wanamaker Trophy.

"Here I am trying on
my second green jacket.

"What should I do tonight?

"I know, I'll go back
to my hotel room alone

"All by myself.

"That'll be fun.

"I understand
there's a card sharks marathon

"On GSN tonight.

"I'll invite
Mark Calcavecchia over,

"And we'll have a...

We'll have a grand old time
together."

What the fuck?

"I'll just get
some room service.

"Hello. Uh, yeah,
I'd like, to...

"Oh, hi.
What's your name?

"Christine. Christine.

"Yeah, listen, I'd like to get
a chicken breast sandwich.

"No, I don't want a blow job
to end all blow jobs.

"I want...

"A chicken breast sandwich...

"With a pickle.
Can I get a pickle with it?

"Can I get an eighth
of a pickle?

"Like, lengthwise sliced
so I just have 1/8.

You have anything
like that down there?"

But, see, I don't think
that he's like a...

People all think of him

As a sexual predator
or something, you know, but--

Like in the-- Like the--
But I don't think that.

I think the girls
went after him.

You know, I don't think
he's trolling through Perkins

Trying to find
waitresses, you know?

I think...

It's like he's in Perkins
with his lovely wife,

Enjoying a piece of pie,
you know,

And then he leaves,

And then the waitress runs out
and she goes,

"Oh, wait,
you forgot this thing,

Plus I'll fuck you tomorrow
if you come back."

He's like,
"Okay, well, the..."

So he has the, you know,

The temptations of the flesh
all the time, you know,

And so, you know, you gotta
take that into account.

And Tiger,
he's not like us.

He's not
like a regular guy.

He's like a rock star.

A regular guy,
you know what I mean,

He doesn't have that much--
How...

Like a guy
like me and you,

How many times
would we have a chance

To commit adult--
In our whole lives,

We might have
ten opportunities, you know?

Probably think it's ten.

Probably only six.

But... So let's say it's ten,

So we stray once,
that's 10%.

Twice, 20%.

Now, Tiger, maybe he had
60, 70 women.

What about the 3 million
that he didn't fuck

That he could have?

You gotta factor
those gals in, you know?

Now, when you do that...

I did it on a little, uh,
calculator.

It turns out that Tiger
only had sex

With 0.0000000002%

Of the women he could--

Now, statistically,
that's 0%.

From-- From a strictly
mathematical point of view,

Tiger is the most faithful man
who ever lived.

That's my point.

[applause]
so...

God bless him,

And I hope he does well
at the masters,

Cause, you know,
he's got a, uh...

You know, he trying
to catch, uh...

Nicklaus and Snead
and so forth,

And, you know, I've wasted
16 years of my life

Watching the fucking guy,
and, uh...

He's got a date
with destiny,

And I'm not talking
about some lady

At the Spearmint Rhino.

Literal destiny
he has a date with.

But anyways.

Oh, so San Francisco, man.

What else-- What else
is San Francisco famous for?

Oh, guys sucking
and fucking each other.

Forgot about that.

[laughter]

They're equally proud,
by the way.

They're just as proud
as straight people

Of their sucking and fucking.

As a matter of fact,
every year,

They're so proud,
they have a parade for it.

It's called
the gay pride parade,

And, uh,
it's a odd thing to me,

Cause I'll tell you something,

When I was a boy,
you know,

And I'm older
than you fellers, but...

When I was--
When I was--

When I was
six years of age,

I remember my dad
showing me on the television,

There was a parade because
Neil Armstrong and the boys,

Why, they had gone
to the Moon.

They-- Here,
man had touched the...

The satellite that...

That whirls around
our whirling cinder,

And then they came back.

Now, they had
a parade for them.

My dad had me watch it

On his little Philco TV
that he kept in the kitchen,

And he said--
I remember he said,

"Watch this, son," you know.

And Neil Armstrong
and the boys were going down,

Ticker tape, Fifth Avenue.

It was like
a very majestic moment.

Now, this
is how parades have,

In my mind,
devolved a little.

Now it's a bunch of guys

Who like sucking and fucking
each other.

Am I supposed to bring
my kid on my shoulders?

"Hey, look at that!

"Enjoy your cotton candy.

"There's some more guys

Who like sucking
and fucking each other."

And they like doing it.

I don't think you get
a parade

For something you like--

Like, if they didn't like,

Maybe then I'd show up,
you know what I mean?

If they... If it was like,
"I don't like it,

"But God damn it,
I'll do it for my country.

Aah!"

Then I'd go,
"Son, that man's a patriot.

"He understands there's
greater than the individual.

There's..."

But there is
one very touching moment,

Cause a guy took me
to this gay pride parade.

And the most touching moment--
Makes you cry--

Is there's the parents
of the adult gay children,

And they're holding,
like, signs and stuff, you know,

And it's the most moving,
uh, part of it,

And, uh, first of all,

They're not dancing around
in leather and shit.

And, uh...

But you see them,

And some of these guys
are old fellas,

You could tell, you know,
were in korea and stuff,

You know what I mean?

And so... And they carry signs
that say,

You know, "I am proud
that my son is gay," you know.

And it's so beautiful,
but I still...

I think they're choosing
the wrong words,

Cause pride, again...
I don't, you know...

Like, there's a difference
between accepting

And loving
and everything like that.

But, uh, you know,

I don't think anybody's
bragging about it

Down at work or anything,
you know?

Guy goes, "Hey, guys,
come over here, man,

"I want to tell you something
about my youngest son, Bill.

McCluskey,
get over here."

"I want to tell you
about Bill.

"We're so proud of him.

"He graduated Harvard this year,
top of his class.

"Gonna be a lawyer,
what do you think of that, huh?

"You can use him, McCluskey,
next time you get in trouble.

"Yeah, my son.

"None of us MacPhersons
ever graduated the fifth grade.

"We're all just a bunch
of chunks of coal,

"But, aw, it's
all gonna change now.

"Our young son, Bill.

"Tell you something else
we're proud of him for.

He..."

[laughter]

"He was on the junior varsity
basketball team,

"And, uh,
in a span of seven games,

"He had four triple-doubles
to end the season.

"What do you think
of that, huh?

"Unbelievable.
Also loves cock.

I don't know the--"

"In his mouth,
up his ass,

"This kid, he doesn't care.

"I don't know
how he does it.

"I can't do it myself.

Yeah."

"My son, Bill.

"Gonna be a lawyer.

"I got a picture of him.

"He's gonna be articling
in greenwich next year.

"There he is.
He's graduating.

"That's
his graduation picture.

"Look at that,
with his robes there,

"And the mortarboard,
you know, look at--

"It's the hat, McCluskey,
you ignorant bastard!

"They call it that.

"Look at him there, huh?

"What a picture.

"You can't see it
in the picture,

"But he's got eight cocks
wedged up his ass.

"And, of course,
you can see

"The fine spray of jizz

"Arcing over his tongue

"As he greedily
laps it up.

Well, well..."

"I feel so much pride
when I see that picture.

Pride is the thing
that I most feel."

Anyway...

Listen, folks...

I just want to say, uh,

San Francisco's,
uh, awesome.

And, uh, I'm from L.A.

And, uh, hey, we can't wait
to get your football team.

We're looking forward
to that.

And, um...

- How's O.J.?

- O.J.?

Well, I've changed my mind
on O.J.

No, I'll tell you what
I feel about O.J.

[cheers and applause]
it's...

I feel-- As much as I was
indignant about his acquittal,

I'm equally indignant
about his, uh,

His going to prison for stealing
his fucking own shirts.

I don't think that's fair.

I don't think,
if you steal your own shirts,

You should get
35 consecutive life sentences.

That doesn't seem fair
to me at all.

And now he's
probably saying,

"I wish I got fucking...

You know, I wish I was
put up for the other crime."

Because here's the thing.

In prison, they have
a pecking order.

Now...

In the pecking order,

One of the top people
on the pecking order

Are the double murderers.

They're way up high.

Very well respected
members...

Of the, uh, old gray bar,
you know, community.

But... Guys who steal
their own shirts...

They're at the lowest
on the pecking order.

And the pecking order involves
a lot of ass fucking, basically.

And, uh, so I feel
sorry for O.J.,

Cause I'm sure he's going,

"Wait, I fucking killed
two fucking people.

I killed a waiter
and my wife, savagely."

And they're like,
"We saw the fucking trial.

"If the glove don't fit,
you can't acquit.

"You stole a jersey
and nothin' more.

"Now get your fucking ass
over here.

I have to fuck it."

No.

[laughter and applause]

There you go!

God bless you, folks.
I love you very much.

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

- * People and their problems *

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* Yeah, people
and their problems *

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* People and their problems *

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