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The war in Iran is everywhere. It comes

The war in Iran is everywhere. It comes

The war in Iran is everywhere. It comes up in financial news because of its

up in financial news because of its

up in financial news because of its effect on oil. It comes up in celebrity

effect on oil. It comes up in celebrity

effect on oil. It comes up in celebrity news like when Chapel Ron's bodyguard

news like when Chapel Ron's bodyguard

news like when Chapel Ron's bodyguard made the Ayatollah cry because he looked

made the Ayatollah cry because he looked

made the Ayatollah cry because he looked at her.

at her.

at her. And now the war is even creeping its way

And now the war is even creeping its way

And now the war is even creeping its way into the weather. Our eyes right now

into the weather. Our eyes right now

into the weather. Our eyes right now weatherwise are in the Middle East

weatherwise are in the Middle East

weatherwise are in the Middle East because they have an unusual system

because they have an unusual system

because they have an unusual system that's developing going to be bringing

that's developing going to be bringing

that's developing going to be bringing heavy rain, possible tornadoes. They

heavy rain, possible tornadoes. They

heavy rain, possible tornadoes. They could be looking at some haboos

could be looking at some haboos

could be looking at some haboos developing there. Excuse

me, Al. What did you just say?

me, Al. What did you just say?

me, Al. What did you just say? Her boobs.

Her boobs.

Her boobs. Her boobs are developing.

Ow. Be a professional. All right. Call

Ow. Be a professional. All right. Call

Ow. Be a professional. All right. Call them by their scientific name. Her

them by their scientific name. Her

them by their scientific name. Her breastasis.

Am I the only one who doesn't know what

Am I the only one who doesn't know what

Am I the only one who doesn't know what he's talking about?

he's talking about?

he's talking about? >> And that's your latest weather. To be

>> And that's your latest weather. To be

>> And that's your latest weather. To be clear, I just learned something new.

clear, I just learned something new.

clear, I just learned something new. What exactly is a haboo?

>> Thank you, Craig Melvin. Very brave to

>> Thank you, Craig Melvin. Very brave to

>> Thank you, Craig Melvin. Very brave to admit on live TV that you've never seen

admit on live TV that you've never seen

admit on live TV that you've never seen a haboo,

a haboo,

a haboo, let alone felt one.

let alone felt one.

let alone felt one. I'm right there with you, brother. All

I'm right there with you, brother. All

I'm right there with you, brother. All right. So, what is it? It is a massive

right. So, what is it? It is a massive

right. So, what is it? It is a massive dust storm. If you remember in Mission

dust storm. If you remember in Mission

dust storm. If you remember in Mission Impossible, Tom Cruz running in in

Impossible, Tom Cruz running in in

Impossible, Tom Cruz running in in running after that storm, ahead of that

running after that storm, ahead of that

running after that storm, ahead of that storm. That's a haboo.

storm. That's a haboo.

storm. That's a haboo. >> See, now I get what you're talking

>> See, now I get what you're talking

>> See, now I get what you're talking about. I would understand the news a lot

about. I would understand the news a lot

about. I would understand the news a lot more if they told me what Tom Cruz movie

more if they told me what Tom Cruz movie

more if they told me what Tom Cruz movie it pertains to.

it pertains to.

it pertains to. I need them on the news like what

I need them on the news like what

I need them on the news like what America is doing here is like an

America is doing here is like an

America is doing here is like an impossible mission. Like Tom Cruz in the

impossible mission. Like Tom Cruz in the

impossible mission. Like Tom Cruz in the movie Magnolia.

So now we all understand haboo means

So now we all understand haboo means

So now we all understand haboo means sandstorm. So you can keep your minds

sandstorm. So you can keep your minds

sandstorm. So you can keep your minds out of the gutter. And just so you know,

out of the gutter. And just so you know,

out of the gutter. And just so you know, after the haboo, there will be a

after the haboo, there will be a

after the haboo, there will be a of rain coming.

of rain coming.

of rain coming. These are all weather terms.

These are all weather terms.

These are all weather terms. But okay, aside from this dust storm

But okay, aside from this dust storm

But okay, aside from this dust storm developing into a voluuptuous woman,

developing into a voluuptuous woman,

developing into a voluuptuous woman, how's the war going?

how's the war going?

how's the war going? >> President Trump in the Oval Office

>> President Trump in the Oval Office

>> President Trump in the Oval Office yesterday said

yesterday said

yesterday said >> he's already won the war.

>> he's already won the war.

>> he's already won the war. >> Well, I think we're going to end it. I

>> Well, I think we're going to end it. I

>> Well, I think we're going to end it. I can't tell you for sure.

can't tell you for sure.

can't tell you for sure. Um,

Um,

Um, you know, I don't like to say this.

you know, I don't like to say this.

you know, I don't like to say this. We've won this. This war has been won.

We've won this. This war has been won.

We've won this. This war has been won. You don't You don't like to say you won

You don't You don't like to say you won

You don't You don't like to say you won a war.

a war.

a war. Isn't that why you fight a war?

Isn't that why you fight a war?

Isn't that why you fight a war? Be proud of yourself, Mr. President. You

Be proud of yourself, Mr. President. You

Be proud of yourself, Mr. President. You ended another war and this is the one

ended another war and this is the one

ended another war and this is the one that you started. Like

that you started. Like

that you started. Like what?

That's like double points, you know. But

That's like double points, you know. But

That's like double points, you know. But you heard the man. We won this war. I

you heard the man. We won this war. I

you heard the man. We won this war. I bet Iran's begging for a ceasefire right

bet Iran's begging for a ceasefire right

bet Iran's begging for a ceasefire right now.

now.

now. >> Breaking news. Iran's statebacked media

>> Breaking news. Iran's statebacked media

>> Breaking news. Iran's statebacked media now says Thran will not accept a

now says Thran will not accept a

now says Thran will not accept a ceasefire.

ceasefire.

ceasefire. >> Iranian officials quote is that Iran

>> Iranian officials quote is that Iran

>> Iranian officials quote is that Iran will end the war when it decides to do

will end the war when it decides to do

will end the war when it decides to do so. When its own conditions are met,

so. When its own conditions are met,

so. When its own conditions are met, >> whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't end

>> whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't end

>> whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't end the war. We ended the war. All right.

the war. We ended the war. All right.

the war. We ended the war. All right. You trying to start another war? CUZ

You trying to start another war? CUZ

You trying to start another war? CUZ I'LL FIGHT YOU AND THEN I'LL STOP

I'LL FIGHT YOU AND THEN I'LL STOP

I'LL FIGHT YOU AND THEN I'LL STOP FIGHTING YOU WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. CUZ

FIGHTING YOU WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. CUZ

FIGHTING YOU WHEN I FEEL LIKE IT. CUZ THE WAR IS OVER.

THE WAR IS OVER.

THE WAR IS OVER. You heard the president. WE WON. WE'RE

You heard the president. WE WON. WE'RE

You heard the president. WE WON. WE'RE bringing the troops home. More than a

bringing the troops home. More than a

bringing the troops home. More than a thousand additional troops from the 82nd

thousand additional troops from the 82nd

thousand additional troops from the 82nd Airborne Division are heading to the

Airborne Division are heading to the

Airborne Division are heading to the Middle East. They'll be joining

Middle East. They'll be joining

Middle East. They'll be joining thousands more. Marines, sailors, and

thousands more. Marines, sailors, and

thousands more. Marines, sailors, and other American troops already on their

other American troops already on their

other American troops already on their way.

way.

way. >> Oh

>> Oh

>> Oh we're sending more troops. That doesn't

we're sending more troops. That doesn't

we're sending more troops. That doesn't sound like the war is over. This is very

sound like the war is over. This is very

sound like the war is over. This is very confusing. Should I or shouldn't I go to

confusing. Should I or shouldn't I go to

confusing. Should I or shouldn't I go to Time Square in my sailor outfit to kiss

Time Square in my sailor outfit to kiss

Time Square in my sailor outfit to kiss random women?

>> Mr. President, I thought we won. We've

>> Mr. President, I thought we won. We've

>> Mr. President, I thought we won. We've won. Let me tell you, we've won.

won. Let me tell you, we've won.

won. Let me tell you, we've won. >> Of course we won. Those troops are

>> Of course we won. Those troops are

>> Of course we won. Those troops are obviously going there to help set up for

obviously going there to help set up for

obviously going there to help set up for the victory party. You know, you ever

the victory party. You know, you ever

the victory party. You know, you ever try to set up a bouncy castle with just

try to set up a bouncy castle with just

try to set up a bouncy castle with just 1,000 troops?

1,000 troops?

1,000 troops? Now, that's an impossible mission. Like

Now, that's an impossible mission. Like

Now, that's an impossible mission. Like Tom Cruz and Jerry Maguire.

And besides, 1,000 troops isn't even

And besides, 1,000 troops isn't even

And besides, 1,000 troops isn't even that many. It's actually the lowest

that many. It's actually the lowest

that many. It's actually the lowest thousands of troops you can have.

thousands of troops you can have.

thousands of troops you can have. If this war was really ramping up, the

If this war was really ramping up, the

If this war was really ramping up, the army would need a lot more people than

army would need a lot more people than

army would need a lot more people than that. You know, they'd probably be

that. You know, they'd probably be

that. You know, they'd probably be trying to get new recruits. The US Army

trying to get new recruits. The US Army

trying to get new recruits. The US Army making some changes to try and draw more

making some changes to try and draw more

making some changes to try and draw more recruits. The Army just increased the

recruits. The Army just increased the

recruits. The Army just increased the maximum enlistment age to 42. That's up

maximum enlistment age to 42. That's up

maximum enlistment age to 42. That's up from 35.

from 35.

from 35. >> Oh

>> Oh

>> Oh we're letting 42y olds sign up for the

we're letting 42y olds sign up for the

we're letting 42y olds sign up for the military now.

military now.

military now. They're going to have to change the name

They're going to have to change the name

They're going to have to change the name from Operation Epic Fury to Operation

from Operation Epic Fury to Operation

from Operation Epic Fury to Operation Why does my back hurt?

Why does my back hurt?

Why does my back hurt? I must have slept on it funny

I must have slept on it funny

I must have slept on it funny because the likelihood of a 42-year-old

because the likelihood of a 42-year-old

because the likelihood of a 42-year-old being great at war is like any person

being great at war is like any person

being great at war is like any person being great with nunchucks.

being great with nunchucks.

being great with nunchucks. Some people will be good, but most are

Some people will be good, but most are

Some people will be good, but most are going to hurt themselves immediately.

going to hurt themselves immediately.

going to hurt themselves immediately. Bruce Lee, incredible. My uncle

Bruce Lee, incredible. My uncle

Bruce Lee, incredible. My uncle concussion.

Are we sure we won it? It's not even a

Are we sure we won it? It's not even a

Are we sure we won it? It's not even a little close.

little close.

little close. >> It's not a close battle. They're totally

>> It's not a close battle. They're totally

>> It's not a close battle. They're totally defeated.

defeated.

defeated. >> I don't know what it is about you saying

>> I don't know what it is about you saying

>> I don't know what it is about you saying it a third time, but I believe you. All

it a third time, but I believe you. All

it a third time, but I believe you. All right. We got to be winning this war.

right. We got to be winning this war.

right. We got to be winning this war. You wouldn't lie non-stop. You're the

You wouldn't lie non-stop. You're the

You wouldn't lie non-stop. You're the president.

Hey,

Hey,

Hey, >> look. According to People magazine and

>> look. According to People magazine and

>> look. According to People magazine and apparently the US military, 42 is the

apparently the US military, 42 is the

apparently the US military, 42 is the new 35. All right. And that's probably

new 35. All right. And that's probably

new 35. All right. And that's probably all the soldiers we're going to need

all the soldiers we're going to need

all the soldiers we're going to need anyway.

anyway.

anyway. >> Defense Secretary Pete Hexath announced

>> Defense Secretary Pete Hexath announced

>> Defense Secretary Pete Hexath announced an extension to bring back service

an extension to bring back service

an extension to bring back service members who refused the CO 19 vaccine.

members who refused the CO 19 vaccine.

members who refused the CO 19 vaccine. >> We're extending this to make sure

>> We're extending this to make sure

>> We're extending this to make sure anybody that wants to take advantage of

anybody that wants to take advantage of

anybody that wants to take advantage of it has additional time to take advantage

it has additional time to take advantage

it has additional time to take advantage of it. Maybe you were waiting to see

of it. Maybe you were waiting to see

of it. Maybe you were waiting to see whether we meant it or not. We do.

whether we meant it or not. We do.

whether we meant it or not. We do. >> Oh

>> Oh

>> Oh that doesn't sound good when the

that doesn't sound good when the

that doesn't sound good when the Secretary of Defense is telling you, "I

Secretary of Defense is telling you, "I

Secretary of Defense is telling you, "I know you didn't want to take the COVID

know you didn't want to take the COVID

know you didn't want to take the COVID shot, but what about getting gunshot?"

So, you gave people a deadline to

So, you gave people a deadline to

So, you gave people a deadline to reinlist and they didn't take it. And

reinlist and they didn't take it. And

reinlist and they didn't take it. And now you're still extending the deadline

now you're still extending the deadline

now you're still extending the deadline to get them back. You were not the one

to get them back. You were not the one

to get them back. You were not the one with power. I've been through this

with power. I've been through this

with power. I've been through this entire thing before. My ex left me and I

entire thing before. My ex left me and I

entire thing before. My ex left me and I told her she'd be back in a week. And

told her she'd be back in a week. And

told her she'd be back in a week. And sure enough, a year later,

sure enough, a year later,

sure enough, a year later, I got a wedding invitation.

So, just to recap, the military is now

So, just to recap, the military is now

So, just to recap, the military is now trying to recruit middle-aged people and

trying to recruit middle-aged people and

trying to recruit middle-aged people and antibaxers who don't even want to come

antibaxers who don't even want to come

antibaxers who don't even want to come back.

back.

back. As long as they're not trying to bring

As long as they're not trying to bring

As long as they're not trying to bring in anybody else, maybe we're winning

in anybody else, maybe we're winning

in anybody else, maybe we're winning this war.

this war.

this war. >> The Army also changing some regulations

>> The Army also changing some regulations

>> The Army also changing some regulations to let people enlist without a waiver if

to let people enlist without a waiver if

to let people enlist without a waiver if they have a single conviction for

they have a single conviction for

they have a single conviction for possession of marijuana or drug

possession of marijuana or drug

possession of marijuana or drug paraphernalia.

paraphernalia.

paraphernalia. >> Okay, this is bad.

>> Okay, this is bad.

>> Okay, this is bad. This is This is bad. We We've been at

This is This is bad. We We've been at

This is This is bad. We We've been at war a month and you're already down to

war a month and you're already down to

war a month and you're already down to stoners.

This is like that Herald and Kumar

This is like that Herald and Kumar

This is like that Herald and Kumar movie, Mission Impossible 4, Ghost

movie, Mission Impossible 4, Ghost

movie, Mission Impossible 4, Ghost Protocol.

Protocol.

Protocol. We must be desperate because I've never

We must be desperate because I've never

We must be desperate because I've never seen a pthead take a puff and then be

seen a pthead take a puff and then be

seen a pthead take a puff and then be like,

like,

like, I want to somebody up.

I wouldn't even trust a stoner with any

I wouldn't even trust a stoner with any

I wouldn't even trust a stoner with any mission unless that mission is you need

mission unless that mission is you need

mission unless that mission is you need to locate the Ayatollah and tell him the

to locate the Ayatollah and tell him the

to locate the Ayatollah and tell him the greatest movie ever is Interstellar.

I'm starting to think the war isn't won.

I'm starting to think the war isn't won.

I'm starting to think the war isn't won. And if we're still fighting, the Army's

And if we're still fighting, the Army's

And if we're still fighting, the Army's recruitment videos are going to get a

recruitment videos are going to get a

recruitment videos are going to get a lot more desperate.

lot more desperate.

lot more desperate. >> Great news, America. The president says

>> Great news, America. The president says

>> Great news, America. The president says we won the war. And now, for completely

we won the war. And now, for completely

we won the war. And now, for completely unrelated reasons, the US military is

unrelated reasons, the US military is

unrelated reasons, the US military is lowering its standards cuz we need a ton

lowering its standards cuz we need a ton

lowering its standards cuz we need a ton of troops. Under 18, we'll take you.

of troops. Under 18, we'll take you.

of troops. Under 18, we'll take you. Under 16, you're in. 13 and Jewish,

Under 16, you're in. 13 and Jewish,

Under 16, you're in. 13 and Jewish, you're a man now. Muzzletov grandpa will

you're a man now. Muzzletov grandpa will

you're a man now. Muzzletov grandpa will be so proud. And he'll be right with

be so proud. And he'll be right with

be so proud. And he'll be right with you. Because we're taking the olds now,

you. Because we're taking the olds now,

you. Because we're taking the olds now, too. Drug conviction? No problem. Just

too. Drug conviction? No problem. Just

too. Drug conviction? No problem. Just gave birth, we'll take you both. Two

gave birth, we'll take you both. Two

gave birth, we'll take you both. Two lazy eyes, you can be A PILOT. WHY NOT?

lazy eyes, you can be A PILOT. WHY NOT?

lazy eyes, you can be A PILOT. WHY NOT? Uncle Sam needs literally anyone. Disney

Uncle Sam needs literally anyone. Disney

Uncle Sam needs literally anyone. Disney adults, carnies, trekkies, Canadians,

adults, carnies, trekkies, Canadians,

adults, carnies, trekkies, Canadians, those grown men who are into My Little

those grown men who are into My Little

those grown men who are into My Little Pony. We'll take you, no questions

Pony. We'll take you, no questions

Pony. We'll take you, no questions asked, even though we have tons of

asked, even though we have tons of

asked, even though we have tons of questions. We'll even take stoners. Wa!

questions. We'll even take stoners. Wa!

questions. We'll even take stoners. Wa! How can it be middle and ease? So, head

How can it be middle and ease? So, head

How can it be middle and ease? So, head to your local recruitment center. In

to your local recruitment center. In

to your local recruitment center. In fact, screw it. Just go straight to that

fact, screw it. Just go straight to that

fact, screw it. Just go straight to that base in guitar and be all you can be. Or

base in guitar and be all you can be. Or

base in guitar and be all you can be. Or it just be. We'll take it. Heat. Heat.