Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Aw. Woo!

SHE SCREAMS

I mean, you're useless at this.

SCREAMING

Prrp. Boop.

Eurgh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello!

Thank you. Thank you, everybody.

Welcome to Taskmaster, the Olympics for funny people.

And, like elite athletes, our comedians have been in training

for this their whole careers,

and similarly one slip up could see them never compete again,

lose their homes and end up singing Sweet Caroline in

a high street, having drunk a pint of plant feed

they stole from a garden centre. LAUGHTER

The stakes are high and the rewards are low.

Let's meet them now.

Please welcome Andy Zaltzman... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Babatunde Aleshe... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Emma Sidi... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..Jack Dee... CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

..and Rosie Jones! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And, sitting next to me, a man who secretly confided in me

that he doesn't think community liaison officers are real police,

and challenges any of them who meet him

to kick him hard in the gooch. LAUGHTER

# It's Little Alex Horne! # APPLAUSE

Yeah.

OK, let's begin.

Yes, and what a way to begin

because the prize category this week is the object with the most soul.

AUDIENCE: Ooh. OK.

I know. Ooh. Ooh, indeed. As a guy in a band,

I get a lot of people stopping me and saying, "You are...soul."

But it's not about me, it's about Greg giving maximum points to

the object with the most soul.

All right.

Rosie, shall we start with you? No.

LAUGHTER

It...it was rhetorical. It's... Um... We are starting with you.

All right.

What I've brought

to make me more soulful

is a saxophone.

Yes, it is. LAUGHTER

Can I play a saxophone?

No. LAUGHTER

Can I CARRY around a saxophone?

Yes. Yeah. Soul.

LAUGHTER

Soul.

That is going to score badly. Badly.

What's your favourite saxophone song?

SHE LAUGHS

If you can give me one, then I might consider

not putting you at the bottom. LAUGHTER

Uh... Ooh!

Right, the...The Simpsons.

Ooh. Good answer. APPLAUSE

Too right.

Emma, have you brought something in that has the most soul?

I've brought in a Furby.

Oh. Someone's back in the game. Yes!

Here's Emma's soulful Furby.

LAUGHTER

I don't know if anybody remembers what Furbys would get up to,

but basically they're kind of... "ea be ba bu du ba du bea"...

..and they start off like that.

Then, as time goes on, they start to learn from you

and eventually they're able to say, "I love you."

LAUGHTER

Also, it opens its little beak with a little tongue

and "la, la, la". LAUGHTER

And you put your finger in, and it's like "love that".

Oh, la, la, la. Soul.

If I put my finger in your mouth,

you wouldn't mind it, and that's soul.

LAUGHTER

I like a Furby as much as the next person. OK.

But you think that a plastic fur-based toy

going "dib, dab, dub, dub" is soul?

Ah. Um, I'm not going to be able to convince you of this.

I just know it to be my truth. LAUGHTER

She's good. She is good. Hmm.

Jack. Yeah.

What have you brought in?

I've brought James Brown in. Um...

Technically, not...not actually James Brown, but I have brought in

an effigy of James Brown, which is all singing, all dancing.

Um, the budget on this show won't allow us to hear him singing,

so if I did it without the tune... "Ooh, I feel good."

LAUGHTER

So...

We're not allowed to say lyrics either.

LAUGHTER All right.

"Oh, I feel wood."

There you go.

Are you ready to see the godfather of soul? I am.

Here he is. Here we go.

He goes, "Ooh, I feel wood.

"Ooh, I feel wood."

LAUGHTER

Jesus Christ.

This is going to be a low-scoring round.

Andy. Yes. What soulful thing have you brought in? I brought a shoe.

Ready to see it? LAUGHTER

Obviously a shoe has a sole,

but the soles of the shoes are Dover soles...

..but there's a...there's a speaker in the lower of the two shoes.

It's programmed to play only soul music,

the likes of James Brown and Aretha Franklin, Bananarama.

We'll imagine it. Yeah.

There's a picture of the sun in Spain, or sol, uh,

as it's also known... I'm sorry, d...d...?

I've not finished yet, Greg.

But also, harnessing the power of the occult as

a wizard, I also fixed into the shoes

the soul of your late great-great-great uncle Brian.

Do you know what, Andy? Yeah. I mean, it says something,

it's the best yet.

Who's next? Baba.

Uh, I brought in a Nigerian talking drum.

You see, how they make this is quite mythical,

right? What they do, once they build it, they put it in

the streets of Lagos, or whatever town in Nigeria,

and what it does, they believe it absorbs the language of

the people as they're in the streets talking.

So, when you hit it,

it sounds like the language being spoken.

So I tried this out...

Tried it out. I live in Stevenage and I...

The capital of soul. Yeah. LAUGHTER

I put it outside, I hit it and it literally said, "You prick."

And so... LAUGHTER

..that's the most soulful thing in this whole line-up right now.

The Nigerian talking drum, people. Thank you very much. Wow.

It's a good speech.

APPLAUSE

I hope the rest of you are ashamed of yourself.

All right, let's score it and move on. OK.

What is the least soulful, Greg? What do you think?

I think the saxophone that... Yeah, of course. One point.

OK. I'll give Emma two points for daring to suggest

there's any soul in a Furby.

Jack, at least he chose the godfather of soul,

but then he had him behead himself on television,

so he can only have three points. Got it.

Andy made an effort.

Sure, it's a series of awful puns around the word soul -

we know that.

Sure, he's dressed as a wizard - for no reason.

But he gets four points.

And the only person who actually brought anything

of any consequence in is Baba, so he gets five.

These are my judgments. Well done, Babatunde.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, task time. Shall we begin, Alex?

Yes, Greg.

Commence countdown!

Ah, hey. Baba!

Emma! You all right?

This brings back some memories.

Good ones?

No.

Terrifying.

Is that being operated manually or is it a machine?

It shouldn't be happening, actually. It's a warning system.

Oh, right. OK. It's a warning system. Yeah.

Yeah, OK. Yes. Not yet. OK, no, sorry.

Five...

Four...

Three...

Two...

One...

Zero!

LAUGHTER

Oh. Cheers, bro. It was meant to fire off.

Oh. Unlucky, bro. Hmm.

Put a rocket in your pocket.

Fastest wins.

So your time starts now.

That's not a rocket, I'm so sorry.

That's just a tube.

Your time starts now.

Now, that's not a rocket, unfortunately.

That's just a tube. Ah.

I'm so sorry.

But what are the asterisks?

There's an asterisk, is there? There are two.

What do them two stars mean? Yeah, they're both asterisks. OK.

Double star. Dot.

Oh, I'll just ignore that, the font.

Is this the rocket, this red bit? No. None of those bits are rockets.

So where's the rocket?

Yes.

What do you mean, "Yes"?

Where...is...the...rocket?

Yes.

No, no. Where?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Baba, I might be suggesting here

that you don't know what a rocket is.

I know what a rocket is.

I've seen, like, with the...the space people.

They do that. That's a rocket, right? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah, sorry. I didn't realise you had a degree.

LAUGHTER

Hey, listen, Greg. We still, we gotta go outside after this,

bro. Like, you know what I mean?

Oh, you're ph-ph-physically threatening me?

I've gotta say, it's the first person who's ever offered me

out for a fight...

..in all these series and I've gotta tell you, Baba,

it was exhilarating.

Woo! LAUGHTER

OK, let's crack on.

First to recce for rockets, it is Baba.

Is there a rocket here?

That's the question.

Ooh. Listen I've got two children, yeah?

I ain't got time for this. Where's the rocket?

Where's the rocket?

We're not going to do this. We're not going to do this. Right.

Let's go and look for a rocket.

That's not a rocket, that's like a telescope thingamajig.

Anything under here? Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Ah, that's half a rocket.

We're onto something.

What's that? What's that?

WHISPERS: What's that?

That's a full rocket.

I've got a rocket in my pocket. Yes, you have.

Brrap!

Where was the rocket?

It was in the... This is a orca. This is a orca's mouth.

It was in the orca's mouth.

Let's say killer whale cos that sounds gangster.

It was in the killer whale's mouth.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The man knows exactly what a rocket is.

He found it quickly

and he labelled the orcas the gangsters of the sea.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Absolute textbook.

I told you I know what a rocket is, bro. Yeah, I know.

You didn't believe in me but you've seen the footage, bro.

I...I've learnt that now and now I believe there's no need

for it to come to blows. LAUGHTER

Good. Who is next?

Next up to hunt for rockets are my two favourite condiments,

Zaltz and pe... Zaltz and Emma. Salt and pepper. Zaltz and Emma.

It looks like a rocket. That's not a rocket.

No. Well, it's not a rocket until it's fired. It's a potential rocket.

Even then, that is not a rocket.

I don't see, well, why can that not be a rocket?

Hasn't got fins.

I'm just thinking, have we got any fizzy drinks?

Can I make things out of that?

Right, well, that's better.

Right, so did you just make yourself a rocket?

I've made myself a rocket, but it didn't go in my pocket.

Right, OK.

Ah, shit.

Right. Are you saying you've made a rocket? Yeah.

In that case, I'm going to have to give you that.

If you draw, make or write your own rocket, that doesn't count as

an actual rocket unless you are a rocket scientist.

If you are not a rocket scientist,

you must now put two rockets in your pockets.

Are you a rocket scientist? No, I'm not. Right.

I did languages.

T...two rockets? Yes, please.

Am I allowed out of the room? Absolutely. Oh, right, OK.

Maybe I should have thought of that before.

Two rockets in your pockets. One like that?

No, that's not a rocket. That's a can of coke with a sweet in.

Fuck's sake. Oh, I'm so sorry, but I'll have to give you this.

If you swear at any point after drawing,

making or writing your own rocket,

you must now put three rockets in your pockets.

I mean, is that a rocket?

I don't think you'll fit that in your pocket though.

Was he on the rocket?

You're saying that's a rocket? No, no.

Oh, there is a rocket there.

Well, there you go. You've found a rocket!

I've found...I've found one, I need another rocket.

Agh.

No. No, no, no. We're going back inside.

Is there anything in the shark's? Not a shark.

There's a rocket in a...

..orca?

I've stopped the clock. Right, that took a long time.

Have you looked in anything yet?

Like, you mean in that? No.

Well, if you want... LAUGHTER

I don't want to do it. OK.

Ah, like, in this pot.

Aww!

It's a tiny little rocket.

Well, you'd better put it in your pocket, then.

OK. OK. Now I'm on board with it. All right, fine.

Any other little rockets about? It's my... Oh, my God!

There's one in Charlotte Ritchie!

Oh, there. There you go.

Time's up! Prrp. I've stopped the clock.

Oh, you did the noise for me. Yeah, sorry. Prrp.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Classic case of him moving the goalposts as the task goes on.

Incredibly irritating, I find it. Me? Yeah. Oh, sorry.

And while I'm at it... Hmm. ..I also found it really irritating

when you opened the plug and there was a rocket inside

and you looked at the camera as if to say uhhh...

Andy, you were told repeatedly that the yellow tube in

the lab was not a rocket. Yeah. Repeatedly.

You know, wh...? If you fire something upwards,

you've rocketed it, have you not?

I think you've rocketed it, but it doesn't become a rocket.

Become a rocket. Your argument is if it gets fired it's a rocket?

Yeah. But you could do that to a chartered accountant.

Yes.

LAUGHTER

Uh...Emma. Yeah?

Now, I'm...I'm no rocket scientist. Fine. But putting a sweet

inside a can of Coke... It...

How in any rational mind can that be justified as a rocket?

Well, yeah, it's shocking, isn't it? I mean, it was a totally

stupid decision, and also it didn't even fizz.

It was just crap, wasn't it?

Well, look, Baba took five minutes, 52.

Andy, 18 minutes, ten. Emma, 39 minutes.

AUDIENCE: Ooh. Ooh, bad.

Wow. Oh, my God. Get in! LAUGHTER

All right, part one is over.

They never really loved you anyway.

Part one didn't even make an effort with your mum, it's finished.

Let it go, make a life with part two.

It's a great cook and it's a tom cat in the bedroom.

We'll see you in a bit. LAUGHTER

Hello. Welcome to the start of part two.

Please remind us what was happening before

the break, my sad little otter.

Well, they're all trying to find a rocket

and put it in their pocket as fast as is bloody possible.

Finally, it's Jack and Rosie.

Can I go exploring?

You may.

I mean, it'll be... It's going to be staring at me, isn't it?

That's the thing. Hmm. Hmm.

I...I know what you mean. So annoying.

Yeah, it is. OK.

OK.

Is it rocket salad?

LAUGHTER

That's what I was looking for.

It stinks. Done.

LAUGHTER

I've stopped the clock. You've got rocket in your pocket.

I enjoyed that. Well done, me. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE Wow.

Well done! Great minds.

Two grown adults genuinely thrilled

that they put salad in their pockets.

Oh, come on. You should try it sometime. It's good.

Maybe you and I could hang out some time. Yeah, I'd like that.

Yeah. LAUGHTER

Rosie, that, uh, "Well done, me" was genuine, wasn't it? Yeah.

Oh, honestly, that's the best thing I've ever done.

The wi...the wizard has a point.

I...I just... What was the, the wording of the...the task?

It was put a rocket and then a silent salad in your pocket.

Right. It didn't say put a piece of rocket or

a bunch of rocket, did it? A rocket.

Do you want me to take Rosie...Rosie's point off her? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

J...just look at Rosie. Look at Rosie when you say it.

Yeah, I do.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND EXCLAIMS

Does the word "a" mean nothing these days?

You are a prick today.

LAUGHTER

That's perfectly fine. Er, but I'm not...

..I'm not some pricks - I'm a prick.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES You're one!

APPLAUSE

Baba, do you think I should disqualify the salad?

What's the timing of theirs? EMMA: Yeah, yeah...

We haven't yet said that. ROSIE: Baba...

All right, let's get to that first.

Well, I can tell you Rosie put rocket in her pocket

in two minutes, 40.

Yeah, let's take away the point.

LAUGHTER

Jack pocketed rocket in one minute, 59.

EMMA: Wow! That's... AUDIENCE OOHS

APPLAUSE No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Stop all that, stop all that.

Yeah, everything he said, I'ma back it.

LAUGHTER

I've got news for you - I am going to allow rocket

a-and I want you to note this -

I may not have allowed rocket if it wasn't for this wizard.

LAUGHTER

Rocket stands.

In that case, it's 1 point to Emma, 2 to Andy, 3 to Baba,

4 to Rosie, but 5 to Mr Jack Dee!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is it scoreboard time? It is.

Baba, with your speedy rocket, you are in joint first place

with Jack Dee on 8 points!

BABA WHISTLES CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please, can we have another task? Oh, yes!

Now, for some physical art.

Yo! what's going on?

ALEX: Hello, Baba. Man like!

You're on dry land. Dry land, yeah.

Yeah. You've been at sea.

No, it's a caravan, bro.

LAUGHTER It's a subma-ravan.

Oh.

Do I? You do.

"Recreate a famous 2D piece of art

"in 3D."

"Most creative recreation, er, recreation wins."

Do I look like I-I-I go to art exhibitions?

I don't go to no art exhibition, my guy.

EMMA: "You have 20 minutes."

ANDY: "Your time starts...now."

Right. Famous 2D...piece of art in 3D.

You understand it? Of course I understand it,

what's the matter with you?

What, do you think I'm thick? Well, you kept saying "recreation".

Cos I said recreation instead of recreation?

But, you know, I'm...they are the same spelling, aren't they?

APPLAUSE

GREG: Well, I'm just excited to see these. 3D art.

ALEX: OK, would you like to see a montage of them arting hard?

I want to see a haaard art montage.

LAUGHTER OK. Here you are.

EMMA: Oh, my God!

ALEX: Noisy. It's really noisy.

I hate bloody flowers.

Don't give a flyin' toss about no damn flowers.

LAUGHTER

Needs to go...far corner.

Far back as it goes, I think.

Hi, Alex. Erm...

Are you all right? Yeah, I'm all right.

IN QUESTIONABLE DUTCH ACCENT: Er...shall I sit here?

Cos he was Dutch, you see? Oh, I see.

The accent. OK.

There's the Andy Warhol ones.

Did he do baked bean tins?

Soup.

Baked beans is a lumpy soup.

Does this look like a human mother?

LAUGHTER

Need to get my thug pose on, make me look like a thug.

MUFFLED: No gang affiliation over here, bruv.

Apart from the church. I go t'church.

I gang-bang for Jesus, you get me?

OK. LAUGHTER

Arms as if you're celebrating a goal, but really upset.

Oh, upset? Yeah.

Did you do that? IN NORMAL ACCENT: Yeah.

Wow. Yeah, I did that.

I'm slipping in.

Oh! Urgh! That feels gross!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, my God.

Who of us in this room isn't blown away by how much

Jack Dee looks like Van Gogh?

LAUGHTER LIGHT APPLAUSE

LAUGHING: I mean, it was literally like the man came back to life!

Baba, did you have some sort of traumatic incident

in your life with flowers?

Why...? You're the only person I've ever met who hates flowers.

I quote, "I don't give a flying toss about no damn flowers."

LAUGHTER You know what it is?

I'm traumatised by how much my wife requests flowers

cos, when I'm walking on the street, people be like,

"Oh, he's in the doghouse."

It's like, I ain't in no damn doghouse!

You know what I'm saying? LAUGHTER

How often do you buy your wife flowers? Ahh...

Uh-oh.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

JACK: Not including the ones you take off lampposts.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS

Erm, Emma, I'm already quite impressed

cos I already know what your painting is. Really?

It's Klimt, right? Yeah! Mm-hm.

Well, look I'm going to show you Emma's 3D version of

the well-known painting.

Let's see it in all its glory. Here we go.

APPLAUSE BABA: Oh, that's wicked.

That's good. Well done.

That is bloody good, Emma. Yeah. APPLAUSE CONTINUES

I mean, it's so rarely on this show that I just have to just say,

"Oh, that's good."

JACK: Yeah. It was good.

The original sparked a sexual revolution. Do you think hers will?

Er...I can't feel anything.

LAUGHTER

Really good, Emma.

OK, well, shall we see another? Yeah.

Well, as you might have worked out,

Andy Zaltzman took on the almighty Guernica by Pablo Picasso.

Wow! Though, first of all, we're going to look at the original.

Now, Picasso obviously made the incredibly moving and powerful

anti-war painting to help raise awareness and raise money

during the Spanish Civil War - it's harrowing -

and here's Andy Zaltzman's 3D recreation.

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: Yeah, yeah, it's actually all right.

That's pretty decent, to be fair.

I mean, we have to reward ambition. Right.

It's incredibly ambitious.

ANDY: I mean, I just feel, er,

amongst the many things this show doesn't address,

the pity of war is right up there. LAUGHTER

Cow's the wrong way round.

ALL LAUGH

Sorry, Emma, have you...?

You've spotted an inaccuracy in this painting?

LAUGHTER Well done, wizard.

OK, well, next up, with his 3D nod

to Self Portrait With Bandaged Ear...

Right, well, we already know this looks exactly like it

cos I've got his face in the room!

Yeah, it's Vincent Jack Gogh. Here we go.

LAUGHTER

DELIGHTED LAUGHTER

BABA: Yes!

EMMA SQUEAKS WITH LAUGHTER

ENTHUSIASTIC APPLAUSE CHEERING

Who would've thought that anyone could look more haunted...

LAUGHTER ..than Vincent van Gogh?

Van Gogh looks like it's his birthday by comparison!

LAUGHTER

Another one, really good.

This is the worst episode of Taskmaster ever!

OK, time for another break

and probably some more adverts for holidays in the sun.

Cost-of-living crisis? Nyeah!

More like Costa del Sol Living La Vida Loca crisis!

Let's whack it on another credit card!

Wayne Lineker! Call me! Yoloooo!

DRUM AND BASS MUSIC PLAYS CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, again!

Here we are, it's part three -

and some classic artworks are being brought to life

in a three-dimensional way.

Cor, yeah, I love 3D.

But I also like Harry Style's solo stuff.

LAUGHTER

Next up, it's the artist currently known as Rosie Jones.

Ta-da!

Andy Warhol!

Sam...Campbell soups.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

It's Sam Campbell soup! Yeah...I get it.

LAUGHTER

It's really good. Yeah, it's good.

Everyone liked it. Everyone... Did you like it?!

Not that much! LAUGHTER

One left, Greg. Yes.

One left, and this man doesn't go to art galleries,

he hates flowers - it's Baba's turn.

CONTESTANTS GASP

Ah! JACK: Very good. It is good.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM

EMMA: So good! ROSIE: Yay!

BABA FAKES COUGHING

Oh, sorry, sorry about that.

You like that, Greg?

LAUGHTER

That - yes, yes, yeah. Well, yes, of course I do!

Yes, you do. You see the angle?

Know what I'm saying? This is what I'm trying to say,

I keep telling people, I'm amazing.

EMMA: Oh, my God! LAUGHTER

Well, look, Greg, here are all five of the excellent 3D pics.

Well, I'll have to give everyone really high scores, aren't I?

And then we'll just have to hope they fuck up the next task.

So, I'll give everyone 5 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK. What's next, please, little Alex Horne?

OK, well, Greg, we're off to the pub! Ooh!

JACK: In you go.

Oh, hello!

Lovelies.

Oh, we have company. Where's Alex?

Who cares? LAUGHTER

EMMA: Oh, this is lovely.

Which one...? Yes, please.

Oh, thank you so much.

Would you like to...? Yep, sure.

"Win the pub quiz by cheating.

"The team that wins by cheating in at least five different ways wins.

"If the quizmaster notices you cheating, you will lose a point

"and you must use a different method of cheating.

"This quiz will start in five minutes.

"Your time starts now."

OK, so we need ways of cheating. Mobile phone.

ROSIE: Have we got...? Hmm.

Hiya. Here he is.

Hi, guys, are you doing the pub quiz tonight?

ALL QUIETLY: Yes. Great!

I'll come and get your team name soon.

Have I got time to go to the toilet?

Yeah, quiz starts in three minutes. Good thinking. Yeah.

There's your answer...sheet. You all right?

Yeah. OK, there's your answer sheet for the first two rounds.

OK, enjoy. Anyone need anything? Good luck, enjoy!

BABA: Yes.

WHISPERING: What did you get?

Do you want that phone? Oh, well done.

Earphone - oh!

An encyclopaedia - brilliant.

How do you intend to use that without being noticed?

That's the next challenge. LAUGHTER

ROSIE: It'll come in useful.

Keep, keep - yeah, it might do.

BABA: Oh, what's that? One of you look after the...

It's a little book of... Ah! That's Sue Perkins' number.

Do you have your phone? Yeah. Save that now.

8-7-2. Yeah.

Quiz starts in 45 seconds, guys. Cheers, mate.

OK. Team name, please?

Er, GK Picky People.

Er, we're Team Honesty.

Team Honesty, that's funny.

And have you got a team name?

Cheetahz - but like the animals.

Cheetahz? Er, just Cheetahs with the Z.

C-H-E-E... ..E...

BOTH: ..T-A-H-Z.

Cheetahz.

OK, right, just go and get my microphone, then we'll be off.

Yeah. OK. Yeah.

I've got something a little bit provocative to say.

Are you both married?

Mm-hm. I'm also married. Right. Mm-hm.

I was thinking, like, maybe just kiss on the cheek would be cheating.

Right. Handshake, will that do?

I-I don't know if it's that kind of cheating.

LAUGHTER ROSIE: Get that book.

ROSIE LAUGHS

Try and remember what's in there. OK.

All right, everyb...

Erm, what's in your right hand? LAUGHING: Nothing!

Hmm, it's just fallen on the floor there. Thanks.

I will put the books in my area.

Could I have the guide to the beavers, please?

And also airpods out. LAUGHING: You're so strict!

Yes. Sorry, I didn't see it there, man. Hmm.

Sorry about that, bro. Excuse me, thank you.

Hel-hello?! We're pretty much back to square one.

Hello, can everyone hear?

APPLAUSE

Are you pub quizzers, before we start?

No. Nah. I think it's a waste of pub time.

LAUGHTER

EMMA: Every Monday. Thank you, Emma.

Do you really, Emma? Yeah, genuinely!

Ah. Cute. What's your team called?

Erm, No Arguments.

LAUGHTER

Cos we have a problem with arguing.

So, one day, we realised, "Oh, if we're called No Arguments,

"maybe we'll stop." Oh. Quite...

So, now we just argue on the way home.

It's me and my husband. LAUGHTER

All right, then, you want to see the quiz?

I want to see the quiz! OK, pens down, heads up,

or something - it's time to quiz!

GREG GASPS

Welcome to the Ship, welcome to the pub quiz.

OK, question one - what is the largest species of rodent?

What is the largest species of rodent?

JACK: Not that.

It's not a mouse.

In what year was Mary, Queen of Scots,

executed by her cousin?

Elizabeth I, of course.

In what year...? EMMA: I'll just feign choking.

ROSIE: I've got cramp.

Ahh! Oh, just move around the room a bit.

Oh, my God! Yeah.

EMMA SCREAMS LOUDLY

FEIGNS CHOKING BABA: Oh, man.

It's quite early in the quiz to get cramp.

Oh, yes! Right. All right.

She just needs to be. ..be... Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Wait. LAUGHTER

Ooh!

EMMA COUGHS LOUDLY ANDY: There's a...

EMMA RETCHES UNCONVINCINGLY Err! Berr!

ALEX LAUGHS Berr...

Feeling better now.

Right, we'll get th... ROSIE: Nearly there.

We do need to carry on with the quiz. Nearly there!

Question three, what is the boiling point of mercury?

THEY MURMUR

It's 500. Yeah, do you think it's that? Yeah.

Mercury. How you getting on?

What do the following states

have in common?

EMMA SCREAMS IN AGONY

Come down! Come down and help!

What do you...? Come down and help me!

That's not really how it works. You don't come down and help.

What's wrong?

WHISPERING: Basically... Yeah. ..I feel so sick.

OK. I feel really nauseous.

Right, well, do you want a blanket? Yeah.

I'll get her a blanket, apparently.

OK, yeah, please. Right.

OK. Phones away, please.

BUZZER Sorry. Oh, sorry.

It was my mum.

I-I see what you're doing there.

Round two - sport!

If I potted a red, then a black,

then a red, then a black,

then a red, then a pink, then a red...

..then a yellow, then a red, then a black, then a red, then a brown...

JACK LAUGHS ..then a red, then a green,

and all the colours, what would my break be worth?

I'll be honest with you, I think this is when you do

a quick, erm, romantic cheat. Right.

BABA CHUCKLES

So, can I just give you a quick...?

There we go. LAUGHTER

Let's never speak of it again.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES BUZZER

What is Sue Perkins' favourite sport?

Oh! What is Sue...?

I need a sick bucket! Now!

A big bucket. Yeah.

Call Sue Perkins.

SUE PERKINS: Hi, it's Sue here,

sorry I can't take your call.

I'm... Oh, come on, Sue! ..on leave at the water hockey.

What, what? Hockey. Aha! Hockey.

Ho-hockey, hockey. Right.

ROSIE: Can't I have a look

at question six?

LAUGHTER What did you say?

Hello, everyone! OK. SUSPICIOUSLY: Hiya! The answers.

Have you all swapped sheets?

Er, no, sorry, we've just got them all mixed up. Oh...

Quick as you can, please.

Let's swap with them.

Hmm, as long as you don't have your own... BUZZER

As long as we don't have our own sheets. Good try, though.

The biggest rodent was, of course - please sit down -

capybara. 1587.

356-point...

That would be a break of 70 points.

Sue Perkins' favourite sport was - and still is...

..football. EMMA: It's hockey.

But it-it's not, it's football.

Sorry, I have to be very passionate about this. Yeah.

PASSIONATE PIANO PLAYS Sue Perkins... Yeah.

..is my best friend. It's hockey. LAUGHTER

Well, I've got her number, so I'll give her a call in the break.

Give her a call! I'm sorry, I don't want to be...

Can we call her now? Give her a call now.

Call her now. Yeah, please, just call her now.

Put it on speaker, let's hear it.

SUE PERKINS: Hi, it's Sue here. Sorry, I can't take your call,

but I'm at the underwater hockey...

..which is a shame cos I actually really love football.

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER APPLAUSE

The answer was football.

So, if you just tot up the scores...

The Sporty Foodie Flag Guys...

Yeah. ..er, zero in round one.

Right. And then... Three.

..three in round...in round two.

Three? Really? JACK INHALES SHARPLY

Didn't quite get there.

And round two? They're cheating, but...

Well, we got three. Hey.

We thought we had got more.

Well, rugby ball's right, isn't it? Yeah, that is...

Well, misspelling, apparently. It's a misspelling.

Well, they've misspelt the word "misspelling".

BUZZER Well done, guys.

All right, round three will start in one minute.

APPLAUSE

I mean, s-some of the most ludicrous overacting.

I mean, Jones went down within seconds. Yeah.

And then, Emma, I presume a trained actress, when you had

your multiple physical collapses.

I-I never trained, darling, I never trained.

Ah! It doesn't show. LAUGHTER

Do you know what I mean?

Baba was the only one, wasn't he, who wasn't overacting? Yes.

But there's more to come, right? They're only halfway through.

They're both pretty much neck-and-neck.

I've caught them a few times, but there is a second half to come.

That's the end of part three. Come back for part four

and see someone take home some soulful prizes.

It'll be like watching your kid in the school play -

except shorter and fun,

and you won't have to stave off boredom by imagining having

an affair with a teacher.

Just me? HE LAUGHS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello!

Welcome back to the final part of the show,

where a pub quiz is taking place in the Ship.

On with the second half of the quiz, where the two teams have to win

by cheating at least five times

without being caught by old Eagle Eyes Horne,

the handsome quizmaster.

Here's how they got on.

Round three, picture round.

Question one - what is Alex Horne holding?

Phones away, please. BUZZER

What country's flag has a green triangle on the left?

I do have a cramp again.

Please sit down.

BABA: Don't be a bore, bro! OK.

Come on, man. We're getting drunk. Question three - please sit down.

Alex, I've got a delivery.

A delivery? Just checking if the guy's at the front door.

Yeah. This is a pub.

Right, I will... Jack! Jack!

Yeah? You all right?

HE GIGGLES

Yeah, I don't think anyone saw that.

BUZZER Ohh!

EMMA: Oh, God! BABA: Get that under there, bro.

Oh, my God! Oh! There's no-one there.

Oh, God! What animal features on Albania's flag?

Right, I'll be back in two minutes with the answers. Thank you.

JACK: What?

I'm going to...

Yo, yo! Yo! Ooh!

BUZZER EMMA FEIGNS COUGHING

OK.

Ah.

Er, thingy's in so...

Hello, everyone. Hiya. Hiya!

OK. The answers.

Erm, please swap papers.

Round three, the picture round. OK, what was I holding?

What was redacted there?

A colander.

How did you know that?

Well, it looked... It's just the expression,

you know? You... Colander.

And it was a colander. Yeah.

I love quizzes. Hmm!

Thanks for coming, everyone. That is closing time now, so...

BELL DINGS Wahey!..please get out.

Thank you, bye-bye. Bye-bye, bye-bye.

EMMA: Cheers, guys. Cheers.

APPLAUSE

First of all, I will tell you the scores in the quiz.

Andy, Emma, and Baba got 22 out of 30.

Jack and Rosie got 23 out of 30.

EMMA: Oh, God, that's close! Ah!

But we subtract points for the amount of times

I caught them cheating.

I caught the team of three six times.

I caught the two of two nine times,

which means the team of three win the quiz! Whoa!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Get in!

It was close, so I don't know how you want to distribute points.

5 and 4. There we go, so 4 to the team of two,

5 to the team of three!

APPLAUSE ROSIE: That was good.

Quick look at the scores, then? Yes, we can have the first look at

the series scores, if you want, Greg. Ooh, yes, please! Mm!

Well, it's sort of going like this.

We've got Andy on 37, Baba on 40, Emma on 42,

then we jump to Rosie on 46.

Jack's on 53 at the moment.

Ooh! Series leader.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, it's that time again.

Please head to the stage for the final task of the show!

APPLAUSE

What is going on?

We've found their doppelgangers.

LAUGHTER

It's uncanny!

LAUGHTER CONTINUES Who's going to read the task, Alex?

I'd like Jack Dee to read the task please, Greg.

Oh, Jack, would you read it? FLATLY: Yeah, OK.

LAUGHTER

"Rustle Russell, fill Phil,

"mark Mark, rob Rob, and pat Pat.

"When Alex blows his whistle, you must all immediately

"either say one word to the person next to you,

"or perform one action.

"The people may only say yes or no.

"If you perform the wrong action, you are disqualified.

"You will then meet a new person.

"First person to perform all the right actions to

"all the right people wins."

Yeah, so you're sitting next to somebody who's either called Mark,

Pat, Russell, Rob, or Phil.

So, if you think they're called Mark,

you put a mark on their clipboard.

If you think they're called Pat, you pat them on the head.

If you think they're called Russell, you rustle them.

Know what I mean?

If you think they're called Rob, you steal one of their pencils.

If you think they're called Phil,

you put your stuffing down their top.

LAUGHTER

If you find out that you're sat next to, for example, Mark,

you have to wait till the next time you meet Mark to mark Mark.

If you correctly fill Phil or mark Mark, or rob Rob,

or rustle Russell, you'll get a little sticker on your arm.

The first person to get all five of them wins 5 points,

no-one gets any other points.

If you do the action wrong, you're out of the game, OK?

It's... Once we get going, it's less complicated.

LAUGHTER Let's go.

WHISTLE BLOWS Rob? No.

Phil? No.

Russell? No.

Mark? No.

Pat? No.

Move! We're off.

WHISTLE BLOWS Phil? No.

Rob? Yes.

Move!

If you think you've got it right, you have to remember till next time.

WHISTLE BLOWS Mark? Yes.

Pat? Yes.

Not yet! Sit down!

LAUGHTER GREG: Please sit down. Wait!

Move! Now move!

There you go. LAUGHTER

It's not very often you'll see Alex genuinely annoyed,

ladies and gentlemen. LAUGHTER

So, here we go... Wait, wait, what are their names again?

It's worth trying to remember them. It's Mark, Pat...

LAUGHTER ..Russell, Rob, and Phil.

WHISTLE BLOWS Russell? Yes.

Move. Fuck. Good.

LAUGHTER WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!

There has been a successful action. CHEERING

Move!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Yeah. DING!

CHEERING DING!

BUZZER We have a disqualification.

Baba has got this person wrong!

You must stand behind your chair. He is disqualified.

Oh, Baba. Ah! At this rate, I don't care! Right, OK.

LAUGHTER

Move! JACK: OK.

Ohh, shit!

LAUGHTER

That's definitely not his name.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES WHISTLE BLOWS

DING!

OK, we've got some more action,

this is good. Move.

WHISTLE BLOWS

DING! APPLAUSE

We have more actions.

Move, please. Move. WHISTLE BLOWS

DING! We have action over there.

Another sticker. Please move.

WHISTLE BLOWS

BUZZER We have a disqualification.

Jack Dee is gone.

Jack's gone. AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS

Only three left in the game.

Right, you're going to kill me.

LAUGHTER Russell...

..Mark, Phil. ..Mark.

Yeeesss! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Rob! OK.

And just so you know...

Thank you, Emma. Emma has one sticker. Thank you.

The wizard has one sticker, Rosie has two stickers.

LAUGHTER She's got two.

I know! Fuck's sake. She's playing you, Emma.

She knows exactly what she's doing.

Here we go. WHISTLE BLOWS

Rob? No.

Move, move, move.

WHISTLE BLOWS Some action going on.

DING! APPLAUSE

The wizard has another sticker.

And move. WHISTLE BLOWS

We have more action here.

DING! The wizard has three stickers.

APPLAUSE WHISTLE BLOWS

DING! Oh, stickers!

DING!

APPLAUSE

We could be approaching the endgame.

WHISTLE BLOWS

DING! DING! We have five stickers!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

EMMA: No!

We will add those scores to the final score.

Come down and join me!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

HALTINGLY: What a rush! Hmm!

All right, well, as you saw, there was only five points to

one person there and that person was Mr Andy Zaltzman.

The wizard has his revenge. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It means the final table today looks like this.

He's only gone and done it - the winner, with 21 points,

is Andy Zaltzman! The wizard! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Andy Zaltzman wins!

Please go up and celebrate with your soulful prizes!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media