Original subtitles

Procreation has begun.

In your cocks rests the future of our civilization.

Our planet will be destroyed in 500 years as its orbit merges with that of

our sun.

You must prepare planet Earth for our eventual habitation.

You must fall with Earth women to begin our race on that planet.

Remember,

Only screw with suckers.

You must impregnate several of the Earth women.

You must not fuck up this mission.

The future of our damn race depends upon your performance.

Enough masturbation.

Go get it on.

You're my UFO, Romeo.

You give my whole body an inertly glow.

What a holy fucked up landing.

Moving.

Curving.

Take a look at that damn smog.

Take me with you, space man. Now that I know what you've got.

I'll never be the same.

You make my flat so...

Let's take the transporter. No one walks in smoggy Hollywood.

Or that man will... Activate the transporter.

You're not what other girls call home.

You're for being.

use more power from the Zion diode to keep our cocks hard.

Room 222, Mr. Smith.

Where the fuck is he going?

He's going to eat a woman.

You have to take a look.

Look at them big tits.

Well, to tell you the truth, business has been terrible rotten lately.

And I wasn't able to get away.

Charlie, I'm sorry. We better make up for lost time.

You want to make up for lost time. I want to make up for lost money. Because

money is time and time is money.

do that.

You know, if it was up to me, I'd be only too happy to shave some off, but,

well, it's up to the man, and he wouldn't let us take off a dime.

But, but, suppose, suppose I wouldn't take off all my clothes.

Suppose I would take off only half, and then I would pay only half.

Charlie, Charlie, you know it's not what you take.

much you take out.

Oh, Charlie.

Charlie.

Charlie,

I know you're a little short. What do you mean, short?

Charlie, don't take it personal.

All right, that's better.

But, um, well, I got a little money saved. Oh, no.

Charlie Swart... Smith, Smith, Charlie Smith don't take no charity.

You mean you'll pay me?

Oh, Charlie.

What the hell

are they doing?

Pretty interesting way of fucking.

But sure don't know why he's putting his cock down there.

Maybe this is one of the ways of balling on earth.

Look at those big tits.

He sure is enjoying sucking them.

But his cock is not as big as ours. And so we're able to fuck longer than these

earth people.

It looks like he's coming in that small hole.

They're vibrating very fast and primitive.

What do you call that? What are they doing?

He's sucking her pussy dry.

Hey, uh, these threads are out of sight.

Hey, let's ball the blonde.

God damn.

Where in the hell you come from?

Urine.

Yeah, motherfucker, I'm from Pluto. Now, where in the hell you come from?

Huh? We were in the area. We thought we'd drop in.

God damn. I've seen some weird threads before, but it just takes the cake. We

need taking anything.

We just want a piece of ass.

Nah, nah, man.

That's just a figure of speech.

You know what I'm saying?

Now, look, do both of you guys want to stay?

What do you say?

You want to go first?

Why don't you go first? I'll just watch.

Just one.

Okay, cool. That'll be $50.

Can we use room 222?

No, man. You can't have room 222. We got people in room 222. Shit.

What do you want to do? Watch them fuck or something?

What the hell's wrong with you?

Oh, wait a minute.

Did he eat her up already?

You can have room 222. And you don't even need a high school diploma.

for none of this freaky dust.

What do you mean, freaky? I paid my money downstairs.

Where's your pussy?

It won't hurt.

All right, all right, all right.

I never told me there'd be days like this.

Okay, John Glenn.

Prepare for blast -off.

I'd be kidding.

I hope you don't need glasses. It'd be painful as hell.

I don't believe this.

Oh, no, no. Down here, here.

Where's your pussy?

It won't hurt.

You will enjoy it.

Where's that one?

Oh, boy.

Boy, what a piece of ass.

Finger licking good.

Oh,

boy.

Boy, what a piece of ass.

Finger licking good.

And any time you're in the neighborhood, you just drop on by. It's on the house.

Well, goodbye.

They look like they're having more fun than I've ever dreamt of.

Let's report in.

How is everything going?

As planned, we had our first encounter with an Earth woman this afternoon.

Operation procreation successful?

As far as we know.

Tell me, yes or no.

Yes!

Remember the symbol of our planet that you wear and carry on the good work.

Hey, Sergeant, was she fun? Was she good?

She was fantastic.

Okay, let's get busy.

Turn the scanner on. Let's check out what's going on outside.

Gee, Billy Joe, it sure has been a long time.

Well, who told you to join the silly old Navy anyhow?

Gee, honey, I just had to.

Now you come on here.

Were you with any of them oriental girls while you were gone?

Oh, no, baby, now you know. I know there's never been anyone else but you.

Why, I don't know any such thing, Frankie Jones.

My name is Harnell.

Oh.

Harnell Jones, I don't even know if I could trust you.

Trust me?

Well, you know you can trust me.

Even though we've only known each other for just a little while.

It's okay.

Smile make me wanna hold you

about you just give me a little old kiss.

Oh, God bless him. That was beautiful. Good old Stevie Lawler.

You sure look pretty, Billy Joel.

If my head feels wavy, blame it on the Navy.

Blame it on a sailor like you.

Oh, you sing pretty, too.

You should start fucking her.

Oh, those tits are amazing.

They're a mouthful.

Activate the transponder ray and bring her to the fucking platform.

So I can ball her.

Shoved her in Big Valley.

What a great sport.

I drove it in so hard I almost passed out.

All right, private asshole.

Send the cunt back.

Black wallet.

I guess I did learn something in Japan.

Right, baby.

Can't tell the difference between her ass and her cunt.

I don't know how anything can happen with these Earth people.

His cock is so small.

Size doesn't seem to count much down here, Sergeant Jackoff.

I'm getting kind of tired, private asshole.

I'd like to get horny again.

Why don't we rejuvenate for a couple of hours?

Damn good idea.

All this screwing is wearing me out.

Damn it.

How many times do I have to tell you?

Shut off the air conditioner first.

Okay, okay.

Don't be a fuckhead.

I feel just great.

My dick has rejuvenated.

Oh, me too.

Let's call Captain Putt.

I hope you enjoyed your first night on Earth.

Time to get to work.

And remember, watch out for faggots. They will not suit our purpose.

fat that makes those hickeys look so unpleasant.

We're going to start out with a burpee.

And begin.

One, two, three, four. There, that's good. No, Shirley.

For eight years now, I've been losing $3 assholes to those bastards every

goddamn weekend.

Well,

yesterday after the driving range, I finally found the secret.

Every ball was going right where I wanted it.

Like in our eyes.

Marvin, eat your bagel.

No, sir.

No more 18 handicap for me.

Now I'm going to go straight down to a 10.

Maybe a 9.

Or an 8.

Marvin, would you eat your bagel already?

When I come to think of how much money I've lost to those bastards.

You know, should I could have had my hair in the operations three years

Three lousy extra years of wearing that truss.

I'll get it out of their pockets.

She looks like a healthy piece of ass.

Private asshole employed at Super Hetro Diner.

and send that cunt sucker back.

Marvin.

Ah, what?

Marvin?

today.

Activate the Xeon diode.

What the hell are you doing with him?

Stop screwing around and send that cunt sucker back.

Now activate the Xeon diode.

I'm sorry, partner. No more fucking around.

Would you like to ball her this time?

No. No, I think I'll just watch you this time.

It will be like watching the secret love lives of Romeo and Juliet.

Wait, private asshole.

Remember from before, her cunt is down there.

All right, Sergeant Chekhov.

I'm forgetting we're not home.

Look what I've got for you all the way from the plant of urine.

Come on, I'll put it in here.

Or I'll put it in here.

Oh, I'm ready to populate Earth.

Oh, come on, I'm ready to populate Earth.

I'm doing a good job.

Captain Putz could see me now.

This project is fun.

I just think we're getting overtime for this.

I'm done. Send her back to Marvin.

Now activate the Zion diode.

Oh, Shirley, it was just like ten years ago in Niagara Falls.

Mommy, it was better.

Oh, and lots more to come.

Oh.

Let's take a break.

Go to the movies. See the child.

Hollywood.

Tinseltown, here we come.

Put the transformer on and let's get the fuck out of here.

Maybe we can even ball a movie star.

Movie star, my ass.

All we can see is a bunch of gays.

Hey, where did you get that fabric?

Urine.

Weird. Say, why don't you two sailors come on up to my place? I'd love to try

your costumes.

Sorry. Captain said no faggots.

He was kind of cute, wasn't he?

This is Hollywood Boulevard.

You're my UFO, Romeo.

You give my whole body an unearthly glow.

Look, look, they're playing Tobacco Rudy Picture.

I always knew that love came from above.

But I never...

Please, ma 'am. Let's watch Deep Throat.

No time to masturbate. We've got to fornicate.

I love you, orbit man moon.

You're not what other girls call handsome.

But to me, you're Mr. Big.

Say, Bob.

I thought you guys were wrapping that up like last week.

What the hell is he talking about?

All right, big shots.

I'll see you on the unemployment line next week.

Look, he's having the exotic dreams of Casanova.

And they're shooting Erica's Hot Summer.

Oh, Michael.

This place is so old and dingy and creepy and I'm scared.

Can't we go somewhere else?

Don't worry about the castle, Dorothy.

I've been waiting for this moment ever since my wife gave me the divorce.

Oh, really?

You know I have.

Wanting to hold you near to me.

Waiting for days and months to feel you.

So have I.

Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.

Lunch, lunch, everybody lunch. 45 minutes.

Let's get this set back to number one position.

Boys and girls, that was not adequate acting.

Jesus Christ, Sid, can't you get a female in here with some blood in her

Talking to this is like talking to someone in a twilight zone.

Don't worry about it, Mark.

Go to lunch.

That's fine, that's fine. Everybody off the set, off the set, off the set.

Jane, aren't you coming to lunch?

Oh, I see. You've got other interests. You're going to initiate a new one, huh?

By the way, I could be home building a train set. Hey, Ernie, telephone for

Okay, let's go to lunch. Come on, folks. Where are you going?

Hey, Ernie, it's time for your blowjob.

Can I join you, Bob?

Yeah, come on in. I'll be better. Hey, Ernie, I know where you're going. Wait

for me.

Rhonda, I know you're on edge.

I understand it isn't every day you get to work with a living legend like Mark.

But if this scene is going to work, it's got to have more...

more life.

Otherwise, we'll have to get someone else.

Hablo espanol?

Yes. Of course you do, and you'll be wonderful. You'll be wonderful.

What was it Fellini said?

Qu 'est -ce que c 'est cinema?

Of course, you don't know what that means.

You're not a director.

But it means the essence of cinema is improvisation.

One must recall from one's own past. One must think about the erotic, the

sensual moments in our own lives.

Think of the beach.

Think of those tawny bodies, those brave young boys splashing in the surf.

Tight nylon trunks.

Remember the Olympics with Mark Spitz?

Oh, that was filmmaking.

And of course, one must think of our own inner needs.

We all have passion.

remember once I was shooting a dog food commercial in San Diego.

I looked out over the ocean, and there were thousands of ships.

Do you know what it was?

It was the Seventh Fleet coming in for liberty.

Ah, yes, those Randy Tars in their diaphanous dress blues coming down the

gangplank.

Uh, did you ever see that Navy film, Blow Your Tubes?

Story about submariners.

Men alone on a ship.

Thirty days underwater.

No friends.

Maybe some soap.

You have to draw from your past.

I need you to come up with great magnificent images.

I want to feel passion racing through your body.

I want to feel your blood boiling.

That makeup boy reminds me so much of Ryan O 'Neill.

I think I'd better find that makeup boy. What was his name?

Hi. Yeah, I know you're really down about this scene.

You've really got my sympathy.

Living legend.

Like hell.

He's a pompous, egocentric son of a bitch, if you ask me.

It's not him that I'm worried about.

I just don't have anything that I can relate to to make this scene work.

Well, why don't you just try thinking about it?

Somebody who really, really made you feel good.

There wasn't anybody.

Come on, there had to be one guy, one person who made you feel good.

No.

Never.

Never. You're putting me on.

No, I'm not. Nobody ever.

Well, it's nothing to be ashamed or uptight about.

It just really surprises me because you really are a dynamite -looking lady.

It's all part of life.

To feel a sensuousness.

I've got to admit, I have given it an awful lot of thought.

Well, you should. It's only natural.

Everybody needs to be needed.

To feel the need to hold someone.

You know I can help you.

You could?

Sure, I could.

I can show you what it's all about right here and right now.

What if someone comes in?

Nobody's going to come in. Those guys are out to lunch. They're not coming

for anything.

We've got 30 minutes.

Oh, my.

I love you.

Oh, you're the greatest.

Loving. Oh, yes.

Soft.

Soft.

It looks like they both knew.

We need to get her fucked.

All right, Sergeant Jackoff.

You take the blonde.

Okay, okay.

T?

We lost her. Where did she go?

I don't know where she went.

Look at her hairy cunt.

Come on, private asshole.

What's the matter?

Nothing's the matter.

Come on. What is it?

I'm just waiting for my cock to get hard.

Look at that juicy cunt.

I thought you were a real stud.

Jane.

Jane.

I'm sorry. I've been feeling funny lately.

I sure can have an explosion trip on this one.

to put celluloid in the camera this time.

I don't know. I don't know. I think we did.

Wham. Bam.

Thank you, spaceman.

Okay, everyone. Back to work. Lunch is over.

No more dilly -dallying.

Rhonda, didn't you take a lunch break?

Think Navy.

Mark, let's try that same scene again.

I hope you straighten your outfit.

Todd's putting a move on someone. He's lying there like a lock.

Don't worry. I talked to her. Everything's okay.

Just do your stuff. Okay, is everyone ready? Everyone back and ready to work?

Camera ready?

Sound ready? Let's go, let's go.

Okay, roll it.

So dingy and old and haunted.

Can't we go somewhere else?

Don't worry about the castle, Dorothy.

Okay.

Okay, cut. That was absolutely wonderful.

Beautiful, Rhonda. Difference between night and day, everyone. That's perfect

for props, perfect for camera. I love it. I love it. Everything was beautiful.

Print it.

If you don't watch out, they'll elect you super stud.

Did you see how the Dracula was jerking off when they were fucking?

Okay, okay, let's get back to work. What is it?

God, I don't know. I think I got BD.

Oh, no, not that.

We'd better call Captain Putt and let him know.

So what's up?

Captain, we are having some fucking difficulties that are beyond our

Beyond our control?

What the fuck could possibly be beyond our control?

I think Private Asshole is having VD.

Impossible. We had him checked out before you left.

Everything was A -OK.

What can I tell you? He need your selling.

Maybe he should suck on some pussy.

I understand they do it on Earth all the time.

All right, Mr. Big Shot.

You deserve a rest anyway.

Come on back home right away.

Great, I really want to see Uran.

And now, television Uranus is proud to present...

Don't touch that dial.

Welcome home.

Private Asshole, you are to report to the office of the Chief Flight Sergeant.

Sergeant Jerkoff, you stay on board.

We've got a little surprise for you.

I missed you so much.

The work has been so fucked up down there, I won't even go into detail.

If I told you how the Earthlings fucked down there, it would drive you crazy.

What do you mean, Sergeant Jackoff?

Well, instead of fucking the normal way, they put it down in that slushy hole.

Oh, I see.

I don't know how they can.

What was that chief flight surgeon stuff all about?

Oh, nothing.

Just a routine checkup. He gave me a shot of urine sillen.

Activate the Xeon diode.

Activate the transformer.

Hey, he's got a big dick.

Hey, Gloria.

You want to be down at the gym again? I'll be down at the gym. I mean, I've

down there 15 times already this month.

I'll go to the steam room. I'll sit down there all by myself.

You'd think I was living alone.

Boy.

Why isn't he fucking her?

She listened to my mother. She told me not to get married anyway.

I've been out running around with all kinds of good -looking chicks.

I said I could settle that with you.

You won't even give me any.

Well... I'll just go down to the gym and play with myself or something.

I'm going to the gym now, Gloria.

You rang for Mr. Hardy's cognac, madam?

Yes, Terrence.

Come on, let's make it snappy.

Let's make it snappy, yes.

Maybe we should wait a year. Is Mr. Hardy around?

Mr. Hardy?

Here he's gone to the gym.

Mr. Hardy's gone to the gym. Yes.

How lovely you are, Mrs. Hardy.

Mr. Hardy, what are you doing here?

Hello, Suzanne. How are you?

I'm fine, but I was expecting Terrence.

Well, I was just downstairs thinking about that matter that we discussed last

week, if you remember.

Oh, oui, oui. You mean my race, eh?

Yes.

And I was thinking that possibly something could be worked out that would

satisfactory to us both.

Oh, Mr.

Hardy.

Oh, thank you.

You've made me so very happy.

It's very warm in here.

Yes, it is.

Would you like to take your coat off?

Yes, I think I would. Thank you.

Do you like my outfit?

Oh, it's lovely.

Yes.

May I help you? Oh, please.

I don't know.

Don't you, Anthony?

Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Activate the Xeon diode.

Activate the transformer.

Hey. Hey, look at that snatch.

Oh, the pussy's getting better and better.

Which one should I penetrate first?

Just a minute, stud.

Give someone else a chance.

Oh, what a fuck.

That ball of these cunts.

Oh, Mr.

Hardy.

Oh, Terrence.

Mr. Hardy.

Mr.

Hardy.

You have made a screw -up.

I think you're fucking right.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

What are you doing here?

Fix it quick.

What are we going to do?

They'll kill themselves.

They will probably fuck themselves to death.

Activate the scanner.

I think he's going to get a forceful fuck.

I think you're right.

You can scream all you want, baby. Ain't nobody gonna hear you.

But my hand might slip.

It might make me a little nervous.

You get my meaning?

Activate Xeon diode.

Transform, Ray.

Work the controls.

Send her back.

Activate Xeon diode.

Let's get the prick.

Oh, baby.

That was fantastic.

Let me out. No.

Can I really show you something?

What? No. You heard me.

Not you.

No.

to the Middle East.

And let's get some rest.

Good fucking from the local cunts.

Make this your last project.

Shift scanner to the Middle East.

It's a comfort to know that there's still one place in the world where a

knows her place.

Yes, a grand, high -benighted one.

Tell me, how is it that you speak with a French accent?

Strange as it may seem, oh Scrooge of the Desert, I was born in South Paris.

And if the light of the Sahara would permit me to ask a little question?

Of course.

Just because your body is driving me up the tent doesn't mean I'm not interested

in your mind.

Go ahead, ask.

Why is it, oh nobly born, that you speak with an accent of Great Britain?

Silly girl, I was educated at Cambridge.

Beat, Oxford, beat.

Beat, Oxford, beat.

Well, just a little college spirit.

Speaking of spirit or right hand of Allah, would you care for a little

entertainment?

Excellent suggestion.

Much better than peeled grapes.

Oh, now, son of royalty.

I meant a dance of the desert.

Oh, well.

Ring on the belly dancer.

Goddamn, I'm high here.

Would you get the camera out of here?

I'd like to see Ginger Rogers top that.

I'm glad you're satisfied.

That's what you are here for.

Oh, that shining star of the sun dunes.

Can the titles, will you? My friends call me Morrie. But there are many girls

here more attractive than little old me.

That's true.

But tonight I feel like slumming it.

Is that damn camel back again?

Oh, shit!

Hold your horses.

I got a bidding at Sax Cairo.

Bye -bye.

This always happens to me.

Activate Xeon diode so we can go get some ass and sponge gumming.

Look at them tits.

Cut the jokes and fuck her.

Watch it so that you don't choke her to death.

Send the hairy cunt back.

This is where the race center.

Thank you.

The Star of the Child, coming soon.

Let's get the fuck off this forbidden planet.