Original subtitles

That's why I can't do it. It's too... too scary!

Oh...

No!

Hello?

OK, listen. There's a guy out there... who's awake

and doesn't know what's happening. OK?

You gotta pull it together! You got this.

No. I absolutely do not.

I'm not meant for any of this, Eleanor. I'm just middle management!

- Shh! - What if I fail?

It'll be like the failure to end all failures.

It'll be...

an epic fail.

Is my tie getting tighter, or is my neck getting fatter somehow?

Oh! This is what we do.

We tell the Judge we have to cancel the experiment because I have a fat neck.

- N... - She'll understand.

Anyone?

- Uh, OK, Michael, listen. - J...

You can do this. You are Michael.

You are smart and capable, and you're a fearless leader.

And you are gonna take a deep breath, stand up, open that door

and say, "Hi, John. I'm Michael. I'm the Architect. Come on in."

Got it?

Hi, John. I'm Eleanor.

I'm the Architect. Come on in.

So... let me sum this up for you, John.

Ya dead.

- What? - But don't worry!

It's OK that you're dead, because you...

John Wheaton, are in the Good Place.

You're here because of all the incredible things you did on Earth

which are all right in front of me, so let me just check your file.

Mm. Good.

Yes, that's what I thought.

Wow, John...

What a life you've lead.

Sorry, did I introduce Michael?

He's my... assistant.

Hi.

He just transferred over here from dog heaven.

So, you know, he's still getting used to people.

What do you say I show you around the Neighbourhood?

So, are you, like, an angel or something?

Oh, John! Aren't you sweet? Enough about me.

So, everything you see is here for you to enjoy for eternity...

you and your 321 neighbours.

Ooh! Uh, why is it 322 people?

- Is that number significant somehow? - Well...

Janet?

- Hi there. - It's me, Eleanor!

The Architect of the Neighbourhood.

Yep, that is certainly information that I already knew.

Janet is a walking database of all the knowledge in the universe.

And since you, John, seem to like asking a relentless number of questions

- go ahead, ask her anything. - OK, uh...

What's the craziest secret celebrity hook-up?

Drake and Ruth Bader Ginsburg, on and off for years.

OK, wow! Wait, so you really do know everything?

Kinda seems like she should be running the Neighbourhood.

Yes, John. In retrospect, that does seem like a much better idea.

Hey, Janet, why don't you take John inside to get some fro-yo?

We'll catch up with you later!

Get over here now, dummy.

I'm sorry...

Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Uh-oh. Michael looks like me. That's bad.

Fun little update, Michael is feeling a bit overwhelmed.

So, new plan. I'm now the Architect!

And... stop making those faces because I already told John

and there's no going back now.

Well, if I could pick anyone to impersonate an immortal deity...

Well... it would be me, but if it couldn't be me, it'd be you!

Yeah. You're gonna rock this.

You're like the Blake Bortles of whatever's going on right now.

I'm not really sure.

Thanks, guys. I think I can be the Architect.

I saw how Michael ran the Neighbourhood in the memories he showed me

and there was, like, a four-year period where Brad Pitt really wanted everyone

to know how "into architecture" he was

and I read a lot of those interviews, so I think that might help me.

And before long, Michael will be back to his old self

and he can step in and take over, right?

Look at the four of you, all together.

Oh, I love you so much!

OK. OK. That's OK.

Chidi, have Janet translate the gibberish of these files.

- OK. - Tahani...

continue working on the Welcome Party.

Oh, yes, the party! So, for the napkins, I would normally do a "Queen's tuck"

but I was thinking of shaking things up a bit with the "Yorkshire Butterfly."

And this could not matter less.

Very sorry, goodbye!

- Hey. How's it going? - This is overwhelming.

It's every thought and decision and action from this guy's entire life.

Like, this whole box is just one trip to Wendy's.

Well, keep reading. According to Michael, I usually asked for your help

by, like, day two, so you need to be ready.

Ya know what?

At first, I was kinda nervous, but so far I think I'm doing OK.

It's like I became such a good person

I almost forgot... I'm a world-class liar, baby!

Very fun thing to hear from your girlfriend.

You're doing great.

And I have to admit, you being the "Architect" is kinda... hot.

It's kinda like I'm secretly dating my boss, not that I ever would've done that.

Yeah, no, me neither.

So, same. Same.

Alright, I gotta get ready for the next person.

Well then, I will say goodbye to you, platonically

the same way a resident would say goodbye to an Architect.

Eleanor! What if John had seen us?

I'm scared, and yet somehow turned on?

Scared is the best way to be horny!

Now who's doing the teaching?

Hey, now! Alright.

A little higher. Thank you.

Tahani Al-Jamil?

Yes. Do I know you?

Uh, no, no. But I know you.

I used to write about you all the time on my blog, "The Gossip Toilet".

We were the ones that invented the Olsen Twins Countdown Clock

for when they became legal!

That was our blog! That was us!

Oh, my.

- You were... quite mean to me. - Oh no, I wouldn't call it mean.

OK, my targets were rich and high status, and I was just doing the important work

of telling truth to power.

So wait, what about you, huh?

You died in Canada? Agh!

That is so weird and embarrassing. It's like the nip-slip of dying.

OK, listen, we're gonna catch up later.

I can't wait to hear all about your new nose.

Oh, nope. I... didn't get a nose job.

Oh, I know, I just figured we're in heaven so we might as well fix

all of our flaws, right? Like, look at me.

Nothing is staying on this face.

- Huh. - Gosh!

What are the odds that you and I would end up spending eternity together?

Eleanor, Michael!

It is I, Tahani!

Yeah, we know, babe. What's wrong?

I know John! Rather, he knows me.

He's a gossip columnist who tortured me on Earth.

He made it seem like I was shallow, plagued with jealousy

and prone to fits... of melodrama!

- What are you saying? - Don't you see?

The Bad Place didn't pick the worst people.

They picked the people who would be the worst for us!

Of course. How did I not anticipate this?

Shawn didn't just choose a bunch of serial killers, he chose your tormentors

or arch-rivals...

Or exes.

Those motherforkers...

This is insane! And obviously against the rules!

Yeah, too bad it's not, dillhole.

She'll remember them!

It's going to destroy the integrity of the experiment, Your Honour.

Plus, now I have to live next to a man who once lied and said

I wasn't at Diddy's White Party!

I was there, Eleanor, I was! You must believe me!

And how are we gonna make Simone better when she's asleep the whole time?

Hello? We can't work with this!

Your Honour, you never stipulated that we couldn't choose people

who had some sort of connection to them.

Then Simone just happened to die on Earth, which was really, really cool.

You wanna know how it happened, Chidi? It's hilarious.

- No! - OK, here's my ruling.

It's not against the rules for the four new humans

to have connections to the original four. Simone and John can stay.

- Boo-yah. - But...

it was kind of a dirty trick.

So, Michael can erase Simone's memory to the point before she met any of you.

Fine. Have fun with your ex, Chidi.

What's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess

and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position?

Oh, right, "Eat butt, you dingdongs!"

OK! OK.

Focus, team! Michael and I will prep for Simone.

Tahani, keep an eye on John.

Jason, talk to no one, go nowhere, do nothing.

- I won't let you down. - OK! Go, guys.

Are you OK?

I... No! Very obviously... no.

Look, you could spend 100 years in this Neighbourhood

before you even run into Simone. It'll be easy to avoid her.

No, no, but we don't want me to avoid her!

The whole plan is that I'm supposed to help them learn ethics, so they can improve.

OK, OK... We can deal with that later.

Let's just take this step-by-step.

Step one, you leave so I can snap your amnesiac ex-girlfriend

out of her post-death coma and welcome her into fake heaven.

That's step one?

- Janet? - Hi there.

Give me your opinion. Is this a savage insult?

"Nice shirt. Who designed it, Mark Fake-obs?"

For people in your social class, that is 84% savage.

Although, there is a 29% chance he responds, "Oh, honey" in a tone so devastating

you will think of it every day for the rest of time.

I like those odds.

I'll go lay it on him now.

No. That's exactly what the Bad Place wants me to do.

They sent John here to drag me back into my old patterns.

Insecurity, obsession with social status...

I shan't let it happen.

John, I am happy you're here with me.

This is going to be good for both of us.

And I look forward to putting the past behind us and becoming your friend.

Oh, my God, you are so cute.

You are so cute, it's gross. You disgust me.

I love you, get out of here, I never wanna see you again

I love you so much!

Hi, Simone. I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.

So, as a neuroscientist, are you surprised there's an afterlife?

I am, frankly. I mean, there's a decent chance this entire thing

is just a complex electro-chemical reaction caused by my synapses randomly firing

in the millisecond after my death, but this fro-yo is amazing

- so I'm just gonna roll with it! - What flavour did you get?

I got a twist - half strawberry

half "Male Co-Worker Gets Called Out For Stealing Your Ideas."

- Ooh! Those go great together. - Mmm.

- Hi. - Mm, hi.

Wow. All the other residents seem so nice.

The residents are great, yes.

But, uh... don't feel like you need to get to know all of them right away.

Maybe just talk to Michael and me for the first, I dunno, 6,000 years or so.

Anyway, you just chill, baby girl.

We'll check in with you later.

That went pretty well, right?

I've always been good at pretending I've never met people before.

It's kinda my go-to power move.

I think this new dynamic may actually be good.

You know, it gives me more time to observe and plan.

You'll be the face of the operation, and I'll be the mastermind behind the scenes.

Like, Cyrano de Bergerac.

Like, Kris Jenner.

Oh! Totally.

- Yeah, I think this is gonna be OK. - Yeah.

No, it won't. It won't be OK.

Which is why you need to erase my memory and reboot me.

What are you talking about?

No forking way. We're not rebooting you.

Shawn was right, bringing Simone to this Neighbourhood, it's checkmate.

It completely neutralises me.

I'll be too freaked out to help the new residents.

The only way to outflank Shawn is to make it so I don't remember Simone.

So, you have to run into your ex occasionally.

That's a part of life, man.

I used to run into my exes all the time, at the mall, at the dentist's office

when I drunk-texted them and told them to come over...

Look. Simone is really perceptive, I might slip up and reveal something.

Look, this isn't just about me feeling awkward around my ex.

It's more about if I am awkward around my ex, everyone gets tortured forever!

No. There has to be another way.

Oh! I've got it.

Just remove Simone from Chidi's memory, and keep everything else.

- Boom! - It-it doesn't work that way.

You all spent a lot of time together, so his memories of you

and her are all swirled together, but... let's keep thinking.

Guys, I've thought about this from every angle.

If we don't wipe my memory, I will, one way or the other

ruin the experiment. You know I'm right.

No. No, man! It can't be.

Because if we erase your memory all the way back to before you met Simone

that includes Australia, and the study, and the Soul Squad, and everything!

- That would be erasing... - Us.

I know.

So, the plan is to erase Chidi's memory, all the way back to when the air-conditioner

fell on his head, in his original timeline.

The Judge has given us until tomorrow morning

before we have to bring in the other two subjects.

Tahani, the Welcome Party will be tomorrow night.

And the next time you see me, it'll be like I'm a new resident.

I won't know any of you.

So, will you remember that time in Australia, when we stayed up late

and ate pizza together?

No, buddy, I won't.

Will you remember when we ordered the pizza?

- No. - Will you remember...

pizza?

Will I remember what pizza is?

Yeah. I'll still know what pizza is.

OK, so, not a total loss.

But this is awful!

You two won't be together anymore.

I haven't met a more perfect couple since I set up Drake

with Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

Yes. We will no longer be together.

The Bad Place has pulled off the most intricate "cork blork" of all time.

Hmm. It's a nice touch that the cursing filter maintains the rhyme.

I appreciate that attention to detail.

Hang on, I'm not giving up yet.

Let's have an old-fashioned brainstorming session!

We'll get Chinese food, and we'll throw pencils

and stick them in the ceiling

and someone will say something innocuous and I'll say, "Wait... say that again!"

Michael, if there was another choice, we'd choose it. Believe me.

You like learning about humans, right?

This is a classic human situation.

Your friends are going through something awful

and there is nothing you can do about it.

Anyway...

let's just rip the Band-Aid off, snappy, snappy, wipe-y, wipe-y.

I need a few minutes to work it all out, so...

I hate this... and I'm sorry.

And did I... did I say that I hate this? Because I hate this.

You don't need to apologise for making a huge sacrifice to save your friends.

This is why people love moral philosophy professors.

Well, how about this?

Um... every time you see me get a stomach ache

imagine I'm thinking of you.

So, all the time?

Exactly.

Sorry to interrupt.

I wanted to give both of you something before we do this.

Think of it as a "going away" present.

I don't normally cry at movies.

But that one was pretty good.

That girl was hot.

The guy was too.

I'm gonna miss you so much, Eleanor.

Except you won't.

That's what's so scary about this whole thing.

I'm gonna miss you.

You're just gonna think I'm some sexy god-like figure

who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her.

I know you're deflecting by making jokes about how hot you are...

It's not a joke! I'm a legit snack!

But... I believe in you.

I am not even scared to get rebooted because I know that you'll be here

taking care of me.

I wish we had more time together.

Time means nothing. Jeremy Bearimy, baby.

We'll just... we'll get through this, and then you and I can chill out

in the dot of the "I" forever.

Right. We'll be OK.

We found each other before hundreds of times.

We can do it again.

Bye, Chidi.

Janet?

- Hi there. - Hi, Janet.

Can you just, you know, like... tell me the answer?

- Sorry? - You know, the answer.

To everything.

You know all there is to know in the universe.

Crunch the numbers. Tell me the answer.

What's the point of love if it's just gonna disappear?

And how is it worse to not love anybody?

There has to be meaning to existence, otherwise the universe is just made of pain

and I don't like the thought of that, so tell me the answer.

I know how you feel.

Back on Earth, I had to watch Jason have no recognition of me.

It felt like... right before someone pushes a plunger and murders you.

Sure.

The more human I become, the less things make sense.

But that's part of the fun, right?

What do you mean?

If there were an answer I could give you to how the universe works

it wouldn't be special.

It would just be machinery, fulfilling its cosmic design.

It would just be a big, dumb food processor

but... since nothing seems to make sense

when you find something or someone that does, it's euphoria.

In all of this randomness, in this pandemonium

you and Chidi found each other, and you had a life together.

Isn't that remarkable?

"Pandemonium" is from Paradise Lost.

Milton called the centre of hell "Pandemonium"

meaning "place of all demons."

Chidi tricked me into reading Paradise Lost

by telling me Satan was, and I quote, "my type".

A big, mean, bald guy with a goatee. I mean, he wasn't wrong.

Oh no, that's very on-brand for you.

I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium

find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.

We'll do this together.

In the words of the man that I love...

"I got you, dog."

- Thanks, Janet. - Hm.

You know, for a robot, you make a really good girlfriend.

I'm one out of three of those things.

But thank you. Good luck.

OK.

Hi, Chidi.

I'm Eleanor.

Come on in.