Original subtitles

[mellow music playing]

[male waiter] Your food is ready.

Amazing.

-[waiter] One mixed grill. -Wow.

-[book thuds] -[waiter] One biryani.

[chuckles]

-[waiter] Tarka dal. -Great.

-[waiter] And some naan. -Ah, thank you.

Enjoy your meal. Let us know if you would like anything else.

-Er, could I get some more water? -[waiter] Yeah, sure.

Thank you.

-[plate clinks] -Hot.

[people chattering indistinctly]

[man] Oh, my God! Yasmin?

[Yasmin] What the fuck?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, yeah. You, erm, come here every year on Eid, don't you?

I... I totally forgot.

-You forgot? -Yeah, yeah. I'm just here...

I'm just picking up some food.

-Right. -Yeah.

-What a coincidence. -I know.

Actually, erm, do you mind if I...

What's happening?

I just told you. I'm here to pick up some food.

On the other side of London? At 9:30? On Eid?

-Yeah. [chuckles] -Don't eat that.

-Why not? -You won't like it.

I think I know what I like--

-It's chicken not lamb. -[gags]

Here you go, ma'am. Right this way.

-Why would you get the chicken? -Trying new things. That okay?

Yeah. Bit weird 'cause the lamb's a signature here, isn't it?

You're here because of the article. Can we stop pretending?

-I'm sorry, what article? -Are you being serious right now?

I'm sorry if I missed your, what is it? An article? That sounds fun.

-Tell me about it. -You're doubling down on this? Right.

[chuckles] Dude, you know what it's like. I got busy. You're busy.

I'm sure you're not fixated on every little thing that I'm doing.

[laughs] This is a strong take. I gotta hand it to you.

Dunno what you mean. Sounds like you think I'm--

I'm, like, "killing myself to be something that I'm not."

And you memorized it. That's sad.

Who's... Oh, you're sad? I'm not sad. I've been having a great time.

I've been swapping out, er, "political art for vanilla distraction--"

-Can you stop quoting my article, please? -Which is inherently a fun thing to do.

-It's not even about you. Mmm. -[Shah] Oh, it's not about me?

"Full disclosure. Shah Latif and I know one another

and have spent time together socially"?

Is that how you're gonna describe our relationship?

That's how she described it!

Calm down. These people are not your audience.

-You're ruining their dinner. And mine. -This is revenge porn, man!

This is revenge porn

dressed up as an identity-politics in-pop-culture-think-piece.

Is it revenge porn if you're fucking yourself over?

Yeah, actually it is. That's a sub-genre of revenge porn.

It is! It doesn't matter what kind of porn.

-Delete that now! -[people gasp]

Delete that or I'll break your fucking nose with it.

-[man] It's gone. -And the deleted pics folder.

-What do you think, I'm thick? -[Shah] Hey.

[speaking Urdu] Yasmin, leave it! Everyone's looking.

[in English] Isn't that what you want?

And that's not a private language here, you idiot!

-Dude, can you just delete it? -Yeah.

If you wanted a selfie, talk to me, I'm very approachable.

Uncle! Yeah, thank you.

Enjoy your milkshake. Thank you. Show's over.

-What are you doing? You kidding? -Enjoy your little fan club.

Come on. Have you even paid? Has she paid?

-[Yasmin] Yes, I've paid! -[Shah] And I'm the dramatic one.

Okay, look. Time out. I just wanna talk.

-[Yasmin] Excuse me! -[Shah] After all this time!

I'm so sorry about that. Can we just have a chat?

It's not right, man. It's not right!

-[paparazzo 1] Shah! -[paparazzo 2] Over here!

[people clamouring indistinctly]

[Shah] Fucking hell. Do you see that?

Is there... Is there, er, a back door?

-I think-- -Where's the back door?

-I think they're here for me, right? -Anyone?

Fine, thanks. I'll find it myself.

[Shah] Wait! Where... Where you going?

-[waiters] d Happy birthday to you... d -Sorry.

[speaking Urdu]

[in English] Is there an exit?

Hey, hey, hey. Go, go away, go away. It's not allowed.

-[Yasmin] Okay. -Not allowed, please.

[speaking Urdu] Forgive us. The food is very nice.

[chef speaking indistinctly]

-[Yasmin in English] Sorry! -[Shah] What are you doing?

Have you lost your mind?

[tense music playing]

-Hey, sir! You can't be here. -I'm not trying... I'm trying to be there.

I'm on my way out.

[music continues]

Just please slow down, man.

-Slow down, please. Okay, I didn't-- -Shah, just stop.

-[music stops] -Okay.

Okay, sorry. I went about that all wrong.

I just wanted to see you. The last bit wasn't my fault.

[chuckles nervously] Come on now, that was crazy.

-[Yasmin] You're crazy. -Me?

Come on, you knocked people out just by staring at them.

If you ever need a job, I could do with security.

If you think that was fine, you have some serious issues.

Better than your little book-club-for-one. What kind of Eid is that, huh?

How about your Eid? What, crossing London to stalk your ex?

[chuckles] You need help.

You know what, I do. And you did help me.

And I'm grateful 'cause it shows that you care.

-I do care, actually-- -[woman] Rose for a beautiful lady?

You know what, yeah. Yeah. I'll buy her a rose.

[chuckles] I should be thanking you, right?

-No, please. -You helped me. What?

-How much for a rose? -Five quid.

-A bit steep. I'll do L2.50. -You're embarrassing yourself.

That's not the first time I would have done that for you though, is it? Huh?

-I don't need a rose from you. -You don't need anything from anyone.

-That's your whole problem. -No, just not from you.

-Actually, my life's pretty great. -If it's great, lend me L5.

Then I'll buy you a rose and we can start from scratch.

Five pounds is expensive.

Hmm?

You know, if you knew me at all, you'd know I hate roses.

I... I remember that. I just... You've gotta love the gesture though, huh?

-You love the gesture. -[man] Guys, guys!

Why don't you come in for the best curry on Brick Lane?

Twenty percent off for the lovely couple, eh?

-We're not a couple. -We used to be. She's met my family!

Yeah, I did, actually. And do you know what?

He made me wear a jacket over my sleeveless dress

-the first time when I met his Dad. -Not in a fundo way.

My dad's a bit of a little pervy uncle, mate.

Listen, she was making out like I would've locked her in a cupboard

if we carried on dating, yeah.

She's putting all her cultural and family issues on me just 'cause I'm Brown.

That's racist, isn't it?

Isn't it more racist to be killing yourself

to play a white neo-colonial MI6 agent?

-If I played him, he wouldn't be white. -Yeah, but you would be.

Guys, I've got an idea, why don't you go to my cousin's restaurant across the road?

I think that's better for you.

Don't you want to hear about how he brought a date

-to my friends and family screening? -A date?

That was not a date. She was a work colleague that I brought.

She was shit in your Mango Tree flop.

I guess it wasn't enough to snog her on screen.

Good for the career to be spotted out and about with her.

God forbid anything would come before that.

-Okay, okay. Hadn't we broken up by then? -Shah, that night was about me, okay?

And also, taking a break isn't the same as breaking up.

Okay. So then, how exactly would you define how we--

-Fucking cunt. Fuck! -What?

I left my bag at the restaurant.

Okay, do you, erm... Do you have to go back there now?

It has my passport in it and I'm leaving tomorrow.

-Where you going? -Fuck. Argentina.

-What? Why are you going to Argentina? -[Yasmin] Wait!

Someone's taken it.

-Look, my AirPods are moving. Fuck. -Oh, shit.

-You're not gonna catch that on foot. -Fuck!

You need a cab, mate. Oh, oh, wait!

Taxi!

[Yasmin groans] I need to get it back!

That's gone. Listen, can you just let me help?

Just trust me for once.

[sighs] I dunno.

Come on. Come on.

[chuckles] Come on, come on, come on.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -Seriously?

[Shah] Hey, mate? Listen, can you give us a lift?

-Yeah. Come. -Okay, yeah?

-How fast does this go? -Not that fast.

-Faster than walking though, innit? -Well, yeah. It's a bike.

If you annoy me, I will ditch you. Understood?

You always say that but you're still here.

Yeah, but I'm leaving the country tomorrow, aren't I?

Hey, this is an emergency. Can you follow this dot?

-Yeah. -All right, aunty, I got you.

Aunty. You're definitely gonna get a tip.

All right, listen, it's gonna be fine. What's in Argentina?

["Flowers" by Sweet Female Attitude playing over speaker]

Funding came through for my doc.

-The shipwreck one? -Mmm-hmm.

Come on. Come on.

I'm proud of you, man.

I don't mean that in a patronising way.

-[Yasmin] It was a little bit patronising. -[Shah] No, seriously.

I wish there were more documentaries about shipwrecks.

d Will never, ever let you go d

d I'll bring you flowers In the pouring rain d

d Living without you Is driving me insane d

d I'll bring you flowers I'll make your day... d

Your dad is more, erm, perv than fundo.

I appreciate you saying that.

He would've killed to have me in your family.

I would've had to kill him. I'd have to keep pulling him to one side.

-That's true. -Like, "Dad, what the fuck are you doing?

"Chill out, mate."

d I can't deny that I would break down and cry... d

How is he?

He's not good.

Nah, it's not, erm...

Yeah, he's not good.

d Because I need you so, whoa, baby d

d And I will never, ever... d

I think my whole family hates me.

They probably do.

[song fades]

["BIPP" by SOPHIE playing over speaker]

d I can make you feel I can make you feel d

-That's mad. -Shut up!

d I can make you feel d

-[laughs] -That is... Come on, that's crazy.

-Of all the tunes. -That's wild. [laughs]

[both laughing]

Mate, can you turn it up?

[with accent] Beta, turn it up for your aunty!

[with accent] Uncle and aunty wanna go raving!

[music volume increases]

d I can make it all clearer d

d Don't pretend you know That you feel it d

d Try so hard Baby, you can't conceal it d

d Whatever you feel inside d

d I can make you feel... d

-[normal voice] Is it here? -[driver] Somewhere round here.

-Maybe it's in the diner over there. -In there?

Dunno.

-[device beeps] -Thanks.

-Here. Ten percent off your next ride. -Leaving tomorrow.

-When you get back then. -Not coming back.

-What do you mean you're not coming back? -It doesn't matter.

-What's she mean by that? -Ket, Mandy, Charlie?

No, man! Nice one.

-What do you mean you're not coming back? -Shah. It's here.

-Okay. -Okay.

Erm, yeah.

Is that down there on the left? Yeah.

Hurry up! It takes weeks to get a new passport.

Don't worry, we're gonna get it.

-[Yasmin] Wait, I think it's-- -[Shah] Is it here?

-It's like behind-- -It's this one, here.

[muffled party music playing]

Hi!

Hi! Welcome to The Glow Up.

Twenty-five a head.

Oh, I'd like to pay, please. But I don't have my wallet or phone so...

How has this become an expensive date for me?

-[mobile phone beeps] -[woman] And here are your goodie bags.

Down the corridor, on the right.

-Thank you. -Okay...

Goodie bags, okay. So what are we looking for exactly?

Er, it's a bum bag.

[Shah] Okay, what kind of bum bag?

-[Yasmin] Just a bag. -[Shah] All right.

[Yasmin] Neon. Pink and yellow.

-Wait, is this the one that I got you? -Yeah.

-Aw... -All right, relax.

What? No, it shouldn't be too hard to find, right?

Yeah, it's convenient. It's a useful size bag.

Okay, okay.

-[unsettling music playing] -[Yasmin, distorted] Shah? Shah?

[unsettling music stops, party music continues]

-[normal voice] It might be a bit tricky. -[Shah chuckles] Oh, shit!

-[music grows louder] -Erm...

[Yasmin] We're never gonna find my bag in here!

Whoa! Aren't you forgetting something?

-[Shah] Sorry, what? -Check your goodie bag, mate.

Can't let you on the dance floor like that.

Oh, with the... paint.

All right, er, fuck it.

Erm, I'm not really-- I'm shit at this kind of--

Sit down. I'll do it.

[Shah] Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Be nice.

-Be nice. -When am I not nice?

As much as you want to, erm, humiliate me,

just remember whose passport we're looking for, okay?

-Don't rush the artist, please. -Ah.

Sorry.

Or look into her soul.

Why'd you get rid of the nose ring?

Erm... I dunno.

You look so much fitter with that nose ring, man.

-[chuckles] -What?

-Fuck you. -What? I'm just saying.

It took the attention away from that cold dead look in your eyes.

Probably around the same time as you, erm, started losing half your hair.

Do you know, erm, thinning hair is linked to high levels of testosterone.

-It's 'cause I'm manly. -I know that you're broke,

so if you need some money for a hair transplant in Turkey,

-you just let me know. -No, I'm fine.

I just take all my self-loathing and I rub it on my scalp every day.

But thanks for topping me up on self-loathing.

Next time I see you... Next time I see you,

you're gonna have shaved your head and you're gonna tell me it's for a role.

[chuckles] Or 'cause I'm gonna have a really secret sad illness,

and you'll be so upset about

-all the time we didn't spend together... -[chuckles]

...now that I'm dead.

-Yeah? Death guilting? -Yeah. Yeah.

-That's a straight up aunty move. -It is.

-Sorry, did that trigger you? -Sorry, does that turn you on?

-Massively. -I know.

Yeah. Aunty, my turn.

["DhinDhinDha" by BombayMami playing]

d If your mama only knew d

d If your mama only knew d

d If your baba only knew d

d Only knew, only knew d

-Any luck? -Nah.

[Shah] Let me check here.

[man] Hey.

d If your mama only knew d

d If your mama only knew d

d If your baba only knew d

d Only knew, only knew d

You having fun?

Yeah, I am, actually. I'm having fun.

-Meant to be looking for a bag. -Yeah, I'm looking as well.

-All right. -I'm always looking, don't worry.

d Only knew d

-Actually not a bad Eid in the end. -Not the worst.

You know what I mean.

What you looking at me for? I don't have it.

[music distorts]

[unsettling music playing]

Line?

[grunts]

[Tahira] Shaju!

[music intensifies, then stops]

-[Yasmin] Shah? -[party music continues]

I'm gonna go to the bathroom, yeah?

[muffled music playing in distance]

[unsettling music builds up]

-[Sid] Sold out! -...fuck out--

Mate--

[breathing heavily]

[Pigtrick Stewart] You don't have the balls to be Bond.

-[Q] Are you fucking mad? -[skinhead] Paki.

[Sid] Man's sold out! You should be out here with us!

[Q] Don't listen to him, he's lost the fucking plot.

[Shah] I'm not the first family member to lose my mind!

-[Q] Oi! Enough! -[Zulfi] ...fucking mouth!

-[Tahira] Shaju! -[Zulfi] Get the fuck out of here

before I spark you!

[unsettling music stops, party music continues]

[tap running]

[sighs]

[sighs]

[gasps]

Oh, man.

[chuckles]

[zip opens]

d We feelin' okay, we feelin' okay d

d We feelin' okay, we feelin' okay d

[mobile phone tapping]

d We feelin' okay d

d We feelin' okay, we feelin' okay d

d We feelin' okay, we feelin' okay d

[tense music playing]

["Bollywood Bass" by AKDM playing]

Hey.

Hey.

Shall we find it?

Yeah, I just wanna say, what you're doing,

moving halfway across the world on your own...

It's amazing. You're fearless.

-I've always admired that about you. -Thanks.

So, where you gonna live?

-Erm... -A flat or something?

-Yeah, I found a place near the offices. -Okay, great.

Yeah.

Is it, like, a good neighbourhood?

I'm just saying, a woman out there on her own...

-I can take care of myself. -I know, I know, I know.

But your Spanish is kinda shit,

so you're gonna need someone to translate--

-Mate, what are you doing? -What am I doing?

I'm looking for your passports and I'm having a little bit of a rave.

What?

Found the bag, didn't you?

No.

-What? -Yeah, you did, you psycho.

What are you talking about?

You just said "passports" with a fucking S.

-Where are they? Where are they? -Fine! Fine! Fine!

Fucking...

Oliver Winthrop?

Fucking Winthrop, man. And I'm the one trying to be white?

-Yeah, okay-- -Now then, leave me the bag.

-I'll put it in the bin. -Fuck off!

[Shah] Hey.

Hey. Hey!

-Hey, why did you lie to me? -[Yasmin] I didn't fucking lie to you.

[Shah] Well, you didn't tell me you got a boyfriend.

Why do you think I'm here?

You're the one that lied about the passports!

Okay, all right then. I'll be honest now.

I am not here for your fucking article, okay?

I'm here for you. Look, I'm here for you.

Because I miss you.

I miss us.

Okay?

I'll admit that.

Now, can you admit, if it's really all done between us,

it's a little bit weird that you didn't wanna tell me

-about your boyfriend of what, how long-- -A year.

-Oh, a year? -Mmm-hmm.

That you're moving to another country with tomorrow?

-Yeah, okay-- -I mean, there's something--

I've got cold feet.

This is a fucking big decision.

-Okay, so you got cold feet. Okay. -Yeah, okay.

But, I didn't wanna see him on my last night in London

and I'm out here running around with you. Why is that?

Hmm? But he's fucking great.

He's really great and he loves me. And he's reliable and he's there for me.

So, I dunno.

I dunno.

-Do you wanna know what it's like? -Mmm.

Doing the dirty work?

-Fighting everybody and being a nobody? -Mmm.

I...

I don't live with myself.

I live with whoever they need me to be.

And if I don't know who I am,

it's because I feel like maybe you don't wanna know.

Are you acting?

-No. -Looks like... lines.

They are lines but the feeling is honest.

You're insane.

[Shah] Please don't go.

Take care, okay?

["Jasmine" by Jai Paul playing]

[sighs]

[sniffles]

d Are you with me, Jasmine? d

d Can you let me in? d

d Would you knock me over? Like a bottle of gin? d

d Jasmine d

d Jasmine d

d When I see you, Jasmine d

d What's a boy to do? d

d Please come back to me and d

d Make my dream come true d

d 'Cause when it comes to heartbreak d

d What's a little girl like you know? d

d Melt my heart of stone and d

d Make my dream come true d

d Jasmine, yeah d

d Jasmine d

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