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1
00:00:11,375 --> 00:00:14,166
[tense music playing]
2
00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:24,833
[gulps, inhales sharply]
3
00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:37,416
[exhales]
4
00:00:43,500 --> 00:00:45,416
[inhales sharply]
5
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,875
[exhales]
6
00:00:52,458 --> 00:00:56,666
I suppose the term "safe house"
is no longer apt.
7
00:00:56,750 --> 00:00:57,833
[gun cocking]
8
00:00:57,916 --> 00:01:01,041
[woman] Nothing you touch
is ever safe, is it?
9
00:01:02,000 --> 00:01:03,041
[man coughs]
10
00:01:03,125 --> 00:01:05,125
- I told you not to come after me.
- James.
11
00:01:05,250 --> 00:01:07,625
- She knows every--
- [body thuds]
12
00:01:10,666 --> 00:01:13,583
- [gun clatters]
- You have terrible taste in hostages.
13
00:01:13,666 --> 00:01:15,375
Wentworth was the mole.
14
00:01:16,291 --> 00:01:19,458
Could've just as easily aimed
a few centimetres higher.
15
00:01:21,625 --> 00:01:25,041
And it wouldn't have mattered
to you at all, would it?
16
00:01:26,291 --> 00:01:28,583
Just as long as
you're pleasing your masters.
17
00:01:30,083 --> 00:01:31,083
Tell me,
18
00:01:32,541 --> 00:01:35,500
when it's just you, all alone,
19
00:01:35,583 --> 00:01:38,375
how do you live with yourself?
20
00:01:38,458 --> 00:01:40,958
Do you even know who you are?
21
00:01:41,041 --> 00:01:42,333
[scoffs]
22
00:01:50,958 --> 00:01:52,041
Line?
23
00:01:52,125 --> 00:01:53,625
- [director] Cut!
- Sorry. Sorry.
24
00:01:53,708 --> 00:01:54,708
[bell rings]
25
00:01:56,500 --> 00:01:57,500
I'm sorry, Helen.
26
00:01:58,458 --> 00:02:00,583
- [director] It's all good. It's all good.
- Okay.
27
00:02:00,666 --> 00:02:02,500
It's just we're on a bit of a schedule.
28
00:02:02,583 --> 00:02:04,958
Yeah. That's why I was thinking
quick reset back to one
29
00:02:05,041 --> 00:02:08,166
- so I'll nail it this time.
- How are you blowing this audition?
30
00:02:08,250 --> 00:02:09,750
I know the speech.
31
00:02:09,833 --> 00:02:11,250
- I know it in my core.
- Yeah.
32
00:02:11,333 --> 00:02:14,750
You fucked it up every time
at the exact same moment.
33
00:02:15,708 --> 00:02:18,916
What is this, a prank show?
Are you wearing a hidden camera?
34
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,458
That's funny. No, I...
I just have a very particular process.
35
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,458
I've got my head around it now. I'm ready.
36
00:02:23,541 --> 00:02:25,166
- [crew member] Sorry. We have to move.
- Just a minute.
37
00:02:25,250 --> 00:02:26,916
Sorry, er, how was your weekend?
38
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,541
- It was good, thanks. How was yours?
- Great.
39
00:02:28,625 --> 00:02:31,833
- Yeah, what did you do?
- Just... Yeah, thanks. Thanks, Jim.
40
00:02:31,916 --> 00:02:34,500
- Don't rush him.
- This is my set. Stop it!
41
00:02:34,583 --> 00:02:35,583
Sorry.
42
00:02:35,666 --> 00:02:37,041
You know what?
43
00:02:37,125 --> 00:02:38,875
They didn't want to see you.
44
00:02:38,958 --> 00:02:41,291
I had to convince them. So this is on me.
45
00:02:41,375 --> 00:02:42,875
I've got a confession to make.
46
00:02:44,250 --> 00:02:46,250
I'm lightheaded from fasting.
47
00:02:46,333 --> 00:02:49,041
It's the holy Muslim month.
48
00:02:50,166 --> 00:02:51,458
It's called Ramadan.
49
00:02:52,916 --> 00:02:55,666
It involves no eating
and drinking in the day.
50
00:02:55,750 --> 00:02:58,666
I'm lightheaded from it. If I could have
a bit of a cultural understanding...
51
00:02:58,750 --> 00:03:02,416
Well, I've just seen you
drink apple juice six takes in a row.
52
00:03:03,583 --> 00:03:04,583
I tried.
53
00:03:04,666 --> 00:03:06,375
It's just a shame you didn't.
54
00:03:08,416 --> 00:03:12,000
Thanks so much for coming in,
Shah, and we'll be in touch.
55
00:03:14,333 --> 00:03:15,333
[scoffs]
56
00:03:21,583 --> 00:03:24,541
Do you wanna know what it's like
doing the dirty work,
57
00:03:24,625 --> 00:03:28,583
fighting everybody and being nobody?
58
00:03:30,291 --> 00:03:32,083
I don't live with myself.
59
00:03:32,166 --> 00:03:34,291
I live with whoever you need me to be.
60
00:03:35,666 --> 00:03:38,500
The blood on my hands is mine,
61
00:03:38,583 --> 00:03:42,125
because I kill a part of myself every day.
62
00:03:42,208 --> 00:03:44,416
If I don't know who I am,
63
00:03:44,500 --> 00:03:46,291
it's because you don't wanna know.
64
00:03:49,583 --> 00:03:51,208
You knew it. [chuckles]
65
00:03:51,291 --> 00:03:52,458
You knew it!
66
00:03:53,291 --> 00:03:54,708
What's wrong with you?
67
00:03:56,583 --> 00:03:57,791
Do you know who you are?
68
00:03:57,875 --> 00:03:59,291
I'll tell you who you are.
69
00:04:00,416 --> 00:04:01,750
You're a fucking failure
70
00:04:01,833 --> 00:04:06,416
who just shat on your last chance
of being somebody.
71
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:08,208
You should be ashamed of yourself.
72
00:04:08,291 --> 00:04:11,500
You are ashamed of yourself
'cause you're a shame to your family.
73
00:04:11,583 --> 00:04:16,750
You're fucking nobody. You're nothing.
You're just a fucking, dumb fucking Paki.
74
00:04:19,291 --> 00:04:20,625
[knocking on door]
75
00:04:21,875 --> 00:04:23,875
[suspenseful music playing]
76
00:04:25,875 --> 00:04:27,125
Um... [clears throat]
77
00:04:28,166 --> 00:04:29,833
- Come in.
- [door opens]
78
00:04:29,916 --> 00:04:31,750
Erm...
79
00:04:31,833 --> 00:04:33,500
I, er...
80
00:04:33,583 --> 00:04:35,000
forgot to grab your mic.
81
00:04:37,541 --> 00:04:38,583
Sure.
82
00:04:47,416 --> 00:04:49,416
Huh. [clears throat]
83
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:14,500
[theme music playing]
84
00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,125
[people chattering indistinctly]
85
00:05:19,708 --> 00:05:22,833
Erm, just so you know,
there's a photographer camped out front,
86
00:05:22,916 --> 00:05:24,875
so I'm gonna take you around the side.
87
00:05:24,958 --> 00:05:25,958
Oh, okay, yeah.
88
00:05:26,041 --> 00:05:28,250
The press gets a pic of anyone
who auditioned
89
00:05:28,333 --> 00:05:30,916
and the whole Bond rumour mill goes crazy.
90
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:37,083
Sorry, you know, I just realised I left
my charger in the dressing room.
91
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:38,958
- I'm happy to come.
- I'll grab it. I know the way.
92
00:05:39,041 --> 00:05:41,041
- You sure?
- Thanks, though. Thanks a lot.
93
00:05:41,125 --> 00:05:42,125
Okay.
94
00:05:47,625 --> 00:05:49,083
[upbeat music playing]
95
00:05:56,083 --> 00:05:57,166
You all right?
96
00:06:14,208 --> 00:06:15,916
[music continues]
97
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:27,750
- [camera shutter clicking]
- [music continues]
98
00:06:32,500 --> 00:06:34,291
[Hindi song playing]
99
00:06:41,541 --> 00:06:43,666
- Hey, dude.
- Huh?
100
00:06:43,750 --> 00:06:44,958
- What?
- I know you.
101
00:06:45,041 --> 00:06:46,458
Mate!
102
00:06:46,541 --> 00:06:48,041
I'm a huge fan.
103
00:06:48,125 --> 00:06:49,125
You're talented.
104
00:06:49,208 --> 00:06:51,041
- No, no, I'm not.
- Yes, you are.
105
00:06:51,125 --> 00:06:53,125
You're an exceptional actor,
I want you to know that.
106
00:06:53,208 --> 00:06:54,583
- Thank you, man.
- Listen.
107
00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:56,916
Can I get a video for my girlfriend,
Heather? She's obsessed with you.
108
00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:58,333
- Really?
- Yeah. Yeah.
109
00:06:58,416 --> 00:07:00,583
Babe, check it out.
Walking down the street,
110
00:07:00,666 --> 00:07:02,166
guess who I bump into?
111
00:07:02,250 --> 00:07:04,083
Dev fucking Patel.
112
00:07:04,166 --> 00:07:07,125
- What?
- Dev Patel, just walking down the street.
113
00:07:08,583 --> 00:07:10,916
Say something about Slumdog.
She loves Slumdog.
114
00:07:14,541 --> 00:07:17,458
It was an amazing honour
to be part of Slumdog Millionaire.
115
00:07:17,541 --> 00:07:20,416
It was a great film
that people loved, that I loved.
116
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:23,875
I loved that film. And I mean,
my, my family, my community.
117
00:07:23,958 --> 00:07:26,791
- I mean, internationally.
- He's not Dev Patel.
118
00:07:27,625 --> 00:07:30,500
- What?
- He's not Dev Patel.
119
00:07:30,583 --> 00:07:32,583
Look how short he is.
120
00:07:32,666 --> 00:07:36,708
Dev is tall, strong, handsome,
our Gujarati hero.
121
00:07:38,041 --> 00:07:39,750
Hello, Shahjehan Latif.
122
00:07:39,833 --> 00:07:42,000
Are you the Shahjehan, please?
123
00:07:42,083 --> 00:07:44,500
- Who's Shazje... Shazepan?
- Shah Latif.
124
00:07:44,583 --> 00:07:45,875
Shah. Tha...
125
00:07:45,958 --> 00:07:46,958
That's me.
126
00:07:50,416 --> 00:07:52,375
- Can we go, please?
- No problem, sir.
127
00:07:56,333 --> 00:07:58,916
Assalamu-Alaikum, Mr Latif, sir.
128
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,125
I hope you're enjoying
your Muba experience
129
00:08:01,208 --> 00:08:04,291
and that the temperature
is of enjoyment for you.
130
00:08:04,375 --> 00:08:07,125
I asked for a silent ride on the app so...
131
00:08:07,208 --> 00:08:11,125
Sir, just one thing, where are you from?
Because you are looking like the Paki,
132
00:08:11,208 --> 00:08:13,000
but you're talking
like the honky donkey, you know?
133
00:08:13,083 --> 00:08:16,125
[in Urdu] And you look like a jihadi,
but are a camel sphincter.
134
00:08:16,208 --> 00:08:18,666
- [in English] Sphincter? That's a bar.
- Like that?
135
00:08:18,750 --> 00:08:20,666
- Of course I like that. Sphincter?
- It just came to me.
136
00:08:20,750 --> 00:08:22,458
- Thanks for picking me up.
- Calm.
137
00:08:22,541 --> 00:08:24,416
- I appreciate it.
- Watch my upholstery, please.
138
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:26,583
- Get your arse off my shoulder.
- You fucking love it.
139
00:08:26,666 --> 00:08:28,291
Listen, did you bring the watch?
140
00:08:28,375 --> 00:08:30,875
- I couldn't find it.
- Couldn't find or didn't look?
141
00:08:30,958 --> 00:08:32,875
I didn't look. I've been busy.
What do you want me to say?
142
00:08:32,916 --> 00:08:35,666
You're a dickhead. [sighs]
143
00:08:36,291 --> 00:08:39,166
- What the fuck is this doing here?
- I was gonna tell you.
144
00:08:39,250 --> 00:08:41,416
But, basically,
I need that for my car, bro.
145
00:08:41,500 --> 00:08:43,333
There's no brown dolls for sale.
It's weird.
146
00:08:43,416 --> 00:08:45,583
It's not a doll, bro.
It's a limited edition
147
00:08:45,666 --> 00:08:47,958
collectable action figure
of me from my film.
148
00:08:48,041 --> 00:08:50,208
You gotta ask me
before you use my likeness.
149
00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:53,500
You need to chill your tits.
First of all, it don't even look like you.
150
00:08:53,583 --> 00:08:56,333
Second, you got 100
of these mini dildos in your garage.
151
00:08:56,416 --> 00:08:57,958
- It's not a dildo.
- Look like it to me.
152
00:08:58,041 --> 00:09:00,875
- And I need 'em for my fleet anyway.
- "Fleet". All right.
153
00:09:00,958 --> 00:09:02,750
What, you and six guys, yeah?
154
00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,958
- It's 26, actually.
- Fuck off!
155
00:09:05,041 --> 00:09:07,208
Yes, things have been going very well.
156
00:09:07,291 --> 00:09:09,208
Got some serious investors interested.
157
00:09:09,291 --> 00:09:11,583
- Hmm.
- What do you mean, "hmm"?
158
00:09:11,666 --> 00:09:12,666
What? I said, "Hmm."
159
00:09:12,750 --> 00:09:13,916
- Say mashallah.
- Mashallah.
160
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,250
If you're gonna say it, say it properly.
161
00:09:15,333 --> 00:09:16,958
- Mashallah. Right.
- There you go.
162
00:09:17,041 --> 00:09:20,583
Does your investors know
that nobody needs a Muslim Uber, bro.
163
00:09:20,666 --> 00:09:23,625
Uber in London's already Muslim.
Every driver's named Abdi.
164
00:09:23,708 --> 00:09:24,875
Listen to me.
165
00:09:24,958 --> 00:09:27,458
We drive that ting,
but we need to own our ting.
166
00:09:27,541 --> 00:09:29,333
- I want us to own this ting, yeah?
- Okay.
167
00:09:29,416 --> 00:09:31,541
And if you're strapped for paisa
right now,
168
00:09:31,625 --> 00:09:33,708
I'll take you as a driver. I don't mind.
169
00:09:33,791 --> 00:09:36,041
- [scoffs] I don't need money from you.
- Is it?
170
00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:38,458
- That's not what I heard.
- I got stuff cooking.
171
00:09:38,541 --> 00:09:39,916
- What you got cooking?
- I can't tell you.
172
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:41,666
It's top secret. I signed an NDA.
173
00:09:41,750 --> 00:09:44,875
- You ain't signed no NDA.
- I did. Non-disclosure agreement.
174
00:09:44,958 --> 00:09:46,166
- I signed it.
- I understand what it means,
175
00:09:46,250 --> 00:09:47,750
but you ain't signed that.
You ain't got shit going on.
176
00:09:47,833 --> 00:09:49,458
- You missed the turning for mine.
- We didn't.
177
00:09:49,541 --> 00:09:51,625
- We're going to Mummy and Baba's.
- What?
178
00:09:51,708 --> 00:09:52,708
- Yes.
- No.
179
00:09:52,833 --> 00:09:53,833
What do you mean no?
180
00:09:53,916 --> 00:09:55,083
I mean, no.
181
00:09:55,166 --> 00:09:56,416
Yes, we are, bro, okay?
182
00:09:56,500 --> 00:09:58,208
You have not checked in
on your mummy in time.
183
00:09:58,291 --> 00:09:59,500
She's gonna be gassed to see you.
184
00:09:59,583 --> 00:10:01,666
I'm not in the mood. Can you turn around?
185
00:10:01,750 --> 00:10:03,000
I don't care if you're in the mood.
186
00:10:03,083 --> 00:10:06,333
If you're getting free rides,
you're gonna make the stops.
187
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,625
NDA.
188
00:10:08,708 --> 00:10:11,583
[upbeat music playing]
189
00:10:24,416 --> 00:10:25,625
Come.
190
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,125
Yeah, I'll come in a minute.
191
00:10:28,125 --> 00:10:30,833
Just sometimes,
being here's enough, you know?
192
00:10:30,916 --> 00:10:32,791
Okay, just one minute. I'm coming.
193
00:10:38,750 --> 00:10:41,583
[in Urdu] Tahira, the rest of the kebabs
I'll bring tomorrow, okay?
194
00:10:41,666 --> 00:10:44,625
I have to go to Harrods now
to meet with a personal shopper.
195
00:10:44,708 --> 00:10:46,083
[Naila laughs]
196
00:10:46,166 --> 00:10:48,250
Oh, will you need my silverware tomorrow?
197
00:10:48,333 --> 00:10:50,125
Your silver set? No, thanks.
198
00:10:50,208 --> 00:10:51,250
It'll look nicer, though.
199
00:10:51,333 --> 00:10:52,333
[Tahira] I have some.
Some things we do have.
200
00:10:52,416 --> 00:10:53,750
Yeah, but yours are old.
201
00:10:53,833 --> 00:10:55,208
Assalamu-Alaikum, aunty.
202
00:10:55,291 --> 00:10:57,041
Shaju, son.
203
00:10:57,125 --> 00:11:00,250
[in English] Look at you.
All grown up, huh? Such a strong boy.
204
00:11:00,333 --> 00:11:01,958
[kisses] Mashallah.
205
00:11:02,041 --> 00:11:03,708
[in Urdu] Aren't you
going to be late, Naila?
206
00:11:03,791 --> 00:11:05,750
- [Naila, in English] Bye, Zulfi.
- [Zulfi] Bye, Aunty.
207
00:11:05,833 --> 00:11:08,875
[in Urdu] Look who is here!
Does anyone recognise him?
208
00:11:08,958 --> 00:11:11,458
Come down Ainy, his Highness is here!
209
00:11:11,541 --> 00:11:13,875
No, no it doesn't matter.
When I'm dead, just visit my grave once.
210
00:11:13,958 --> 00:11:15,916
- [in English] It's been two weeks.
- Two months.
211
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:17,333
- Yes.
- A couple of weeks.
212
00:11:17,416 --> 00:11:18,416
[in Urdu] Have you eaten anything?
213
00:11:18,500 --> 00:11:21,666
[in English] I can't.
I'm dieting for this job, an audition.
214
00:11:21,750 --> 00:11:23,500
Dieting, but not keeping your Roza.
215
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:25,250
[in Urdu] God forgive you.
216
00:11:25,333 --> 00:11:26,625
Have you seen your belly?
217
00:11:26,708 --> 00:11:28,625
[in English] You should fast all year.
218
00:11:28,708 --> 00:11:30,333
[in Urdu] Do you know
what's going on here?
219
00:11:30,416 --> 00:11:34,291
Naila's doing my head in
with stories of Salim in Dubai.
220
00:11:34,375 --> 00:11:36,666
He bought a car,
he bought a house, blah, blah, blah.
221
00:11:36,750 --> 00:11:38,583
[Shah] Did he buy his mum
some Botox as well?
222
00:11:38,666 --> 00:11:41,208
[in English] I thought it was
Michael Jackson when I came in the house.
223
00:11:41,291 --> 00:11:42,583
[both laughing]
224
00:11:43,250 --> 00:11:44,583
[in Urdu] I was thinking the same.
225
00:11:44,666 --> 00:11:45,666
[in English] Don't worry about them.
226
00:11:46,458 --> 00:11:48,250
[in Urdu] Is work stuff going okay?
227
00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,875
I haven't had any Google alerts
for a while...
228
00:11:52,333 --> 00:11:55,083
[in English] There's stuff going on.
I just... Not allowed to talk about it.
229
00:11:56,666 --> 00:11:58,000
Don't talk about it, okay?
230
00:11:58,083 --> 00:12:00,250
Just tell me what happened.
231
00:12:01,125 --> 00:12:02,375
But I'm...
232
00:12:05,166 --> 00:12:06,958
Just dua. Just pray.
233
00:12:07,041 --> 00:12:08,958
[in Urdu] I pray for you
night and day, my child!
234
00:12:09,041 --> 00:12:11,291
[in English] Dua for you
all the time. Dua.
235
00:12:11,375 --> 00:12:13,166
Okay. Just dua.
236
00:12:13,250 --> 00:12:15,375
Baba, have you seen
a brown leather case about this big?
237
00:12:15,458 --> 00:12:16,833
It's got my name written on it in gold.
238
00:12:16,916 --> 00:12:18,416
[in Urdu] What do you even do?
239
00:12:18,500 --> 00:12:20,500
I watch TV all day, you're never on it.
240
00:12:20,583 --> 00:12:22,583
[in English] I've got stuff cooking.
It takes time to make a film.
241
00:12:22,666 --> 00:12:25,083
[in Urdu] Must take up
all your time, of course.
242
00:12:25,166 --> 00:12:27,708
Getting all those white women to kiss you.
243
00:12:27,791 --> 00:12:28,916
[in English] That was one scene
in one film.
244
00:12:29,000 --> 00:12:31,083
You've been perving
on this newsreader all day.
245
00:12:31,166 --> 00:12:32,625
[in Urdu] She straightened her hair,
not as fun anymore.
246
00:12:32,708 --> 00:12:33,708
[both laugh]
247
00:12:33,791 --> 00:12:36,541
[in English] Baba, why aren't you
showing up to these doctor's appointments?
248
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:37,625
They're expensive.
249
00:12:37,708 --> 00:12:39,958
I booked them
so we can find out what's wrong.
250
00:12:40,041 --> 00:12:41,208
[in Urdu] If you pay the fuckers
that much,
251
00:12:41,291 --> 00:12:42,958
of course they'll find something!
252
00:12:43,041 --> 00:12:44,750
- [girl, in English] Oi, cousin.
- Shit.
253
00:12:44,833 --> 00:12:46,041
What you saying?
254
00:12:46,125 --> 00:12:47,750
- Nothin', man. I'm bless.
- You all right?
255
00:12:47,833 --> 00:12:49,208
- What's this?
- What's what?
256
00:12:49,291 --> 00:12:51,583
- You forgetting to take out your tags?
- Oh.
257
00:12:51,666 --> 00:12:54,416
- Rah! Is that you, yeah?
- Give... gimme.
258
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,458
Baba, see how your boy's spending?
259
00:12:56,541 --> 00:12:57,750
[Shah] Gimme that.
260
00:12:57,833 --> 00:12:58,916
Why are you at home?
261
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:01,083
I quit my job. Manager was a dickhead.
262
00:13:01,166 --> 00:13:03,791
[Parvez in Urdu] Don't talk like that!
Brother Rafeeq is a very good man.
263
00:13:03,875 --> 00:13:05,416
[in English] He was a weirdo.
264
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,333
[Shah] If you need work experience,
I could ask Felicia. I told you.
265
00:13:07,416 --> 00:13:10,291
No, listen. If you wanna help me,
take me to Taze's show tonight.
266
00:13:10,375 --> 00:13:12,791
- [Tahira speaks in Urdu]
- Is he playing tonight?
267
00:13:12,875 --> 00:13:13,875
Yeah. Why?
268
00:13:13,958 --> 00:13:15,666
[Zulfi] I told you, work for me.
269
00:13:15,750 --> 00:13:17,333
[Q] Brother! I already sent you
my counter offer.
270
00:13:17,416 --> 00:13:18,791
[Zulfi] 50% of my business?
271
00:13:18,875 --> 00:13:21,625
[Q] Yes. But do you believe
in gender equality, or nah?
272
00:13:21,708 --> 00:13:23,000
[Zulfi] No, not really.
273
00:13:24,541 --> 00:13:25,666
Oh, my God.
274
00:13:26,916 --> 00:13:29,291
Shah Bhai, are you gonna be
the next James Bond?
275
00:13:30,333 --> 00:13:31,333
What?
276
00:13:32,666 --> 00:13:33,666
[others exclaim questioningly]
277
00:13:33,750 --> 00:13:36,333
- Wait, it might be cap.
- Can I have a look at that?
278
00:13:36,416 --> 00:13:38,833
Oh, shit! Nah, nah, nah!
It's legit! It's legit!
279
00:13:38,916 --> 00:13:40,333
What the fuck? Oh, my God!
280
00:13:40,416 --> 00:13:42,666
[Tahira] Nah! This is crazy.
This is crazy.
281
00:13:42,750 --> 00:13:44,833
- Can I? Can I?
- Wait, wait! Chill, man.
282
00:13:44,916 --> 00:13:46,791
Check the website.
If it's BBC, we can't trust 'em.
283
00:13:46,875 --> 00:13:48,208
[in Urdu] Did Craig Daniel die?
284
00:13:48,291 --> 00:13:49,750
[in English] Why didn't you tell me,
you sneaky fuck!
285
00:13:49,833 --> 00:13:51,541
It's an... It's just an audition.
286
00:13:51,625 --> 00:13:54,500
[in Urdu] Didn't I always say?
Super James Bond, my Shaju!
287
00:13:54,583 --> 00:13:56,541
[in English] Listen! It's an audition.
It's a photo from today's audition.
288
00:13:56,625 --> 00:13:57,666
That's all it is.
289
00:13:57,750 --> 00:14:00,458
It doesn't make sense though, man.
James Bond is white.
290
00:14:00,541 --> 00:14:02,916
[in Urdu] Shut up, you bastard!
Always giving my son the evil eye!
291
00:14:03,000 --> 00:14:04,500
I'm the bastard?
292
00:14:04,583 --> 00:14:06,333
[in English] You know how much sex
James Bond does?
293
00:14:06,416 --> 00:14:07,875
[in Urdu] All he does is sex!
294
00:14:07,958 --> 00:14:10,000
So what if he does?
295
00:14:10,833 --> 00:14:12,541
I'm the bastard and he's shagging?
296
00:14:12,625 --> 00:14:14,958
It's their country, don't provoke them!
297
00:14:15,041 --> 00:14:17,375
[in English] Listen.
Baba, it's okay to be a bit excited.
298
00:14:17,458 --> 00:14:19,208
It's nice even
just to have the opportunity.
299
00:14:19,291 --> 00:14:21,625
It's a big deal.
You know, brown James Bond.
300
00:14:21,708 --> 00:14:23,625
You should be proud. It's, you know...
301
00:14:23,708 --> 00:14:25,583
This guy's face is gonna be
fucking plastered everywhere.
302
00:14:25,666 --> 00:14:26,875
Imagine, imagine it!
303
00:14:26,958 --> 00:14:29,625
Daniel Craig got paid 20 M's
for the last movie.
304
00:14:29,708 --> 00:14:32,166
My Shahju will get 21!
305
00:14:32,250 --> 00:14:34,541
It's just... Calm down.
It's just an audition.
306
00:14:34,625 --> 00:14:36,375
Call me if you need a body double
for sex scenes.
307
00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,250
[in Urdu] Be quiet.
308
00:14:38,333 --> 00:14:40,875
[in English] Could you tell her to call me
as soon as she comes back in?
309
00:14:40,958 --> 00:14:42,250
- Yeah, sure.
- [speaking indistinctly]
310
00:14:42,333 --> 00:14:43,750
Okay, bye.
311
00:14:43,833 --> 00:14:45,166
[in Urdu] Hey, stay a minute.
312
00:14:45,250 --> 00:14:46,916
[in English] I don't know
if this is a good thing or a bad thing.
313
00:14:47,000 --> 00:14:49,125
I just gotta sort this out
and work it out.
314
00:14:50,125 --> 00:14:52,416
Cuz! Yo, yo. Look at me.
315
00:14:52,500 --> 00:14:53,750
I'm proud of you.
316
00:14:54,458 --> 00:14:55,541
Yeah?
317
00:14:55,625 --> 00:14:57,500
Fucking James Bond, my guy. Come on!
318
00:14:57,583 --> 00:14:59,166
- Let's see what happens.
- Of course, inshallah.
319
00:14:59,250 --> 00:15:00,958
But do they know about height?
320
00:15:01,750 --> 00:15:03,000
What do you mean?
321
00:15:03,083 --> 00:15:06,875
Are they gonna give you special shoes?
Like James Bond's... big, ain't he?
322
00:15:10,166 --> 00:15:13,166
- I'm just saying it for... for you.
- [door opens, closes]
323
00:15:16,125 --> 00:15:17,666
[Shah] Hey, Felicia,
can you call me back, please?
324
00:15:17,750 --> 00:15:19,041
I'm just wondering if the, you know,
325
00:15:19,125 --> 00:15:22,583
audition news leak thing has helped me,
or, you know, fucked me.
326
00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:23,958
Thank you.
327
00:15:24,041 --> 00:15:26,041
[melancholic music playing]
328
00:15:45,916 --> 00:15:48,250
{\an8}[music continues]
329
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:51,416
[mobile phone buzzing]
330
00:15:57,333 --> 00:15:58,708
Yeah. Yeah.
331
00:15:58,791 --> 00:16:00,166
Yeah, yeah. Where you been?
332
00:16:00,250 --> 00:16:03,000
Painting my nails on a sun bed.
What the fuck you think?
333
00:16:03,750 --> 00:16:05,375
Listen, did you call the paps?
334
00:16:05,458 --> 00:16:06,833
I'm... I'm not that clever.
335
00:16:06,916 --> 00:16:09,708
[hesitates] What are they saying?
Are they pissed?
336
00:16:09,791 --> 00:16:13,083
- Well, they are very surprised...
- Fuck.
337
00:16:13,166 --> 00:16:15,000
...about how much you're trending.
338
00:16:15,083 --> 00:16:17,000
- What?
- And because of the reaction,
339
00:16:17,083 --> 00:16:19,500
they might give you
a second chance to audition.
340
00:16:19,583 --> 00:16:22,000
[exclaims triumphantly] Fuck! Yes! Oh!
341
00:16:22,083 --> 00:16:25,500
You, plus a female director,
is doing very well for the 18 to 34s,
342
00:16:25,583 --> 00:16:27,250
and you know that demographic
gets them wet.
343
00:16:27,333 --> 00:16:28,333
Oh, my God.
344
00:16:28,416 --> 00:16:31,708
So listen, sit tight
and let this play out.
345
00:16:31,791 --> 00:16:32,791
Oh, my God.
346
00:16:32,875 --> 00:16:33,958
[mouthing]
347
00:16:34,041 --> 00:16:36,750
Thank you. That is amazing.
That's really, really cool.
348
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:38,666
- Thank you.
- God bless the Internet.
349
00:16:38,750 --> 00:16:40,208
[laughs] Yeah.
350
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:43,583
So just one thing,
we can't just see how this plays out.
351
00:16:43,666 --> 00:16:46,541
We've got to do everything we can
to get me back in there.
352
00:16:46,625 --> 00:16:48,541
Shah, I just told you, it's good.
353
00:16:48,625 --> 00:16:50,500
- You're trending.
- Look...
354
00:16:50,583 --> 00:16:53,041
I'm just thinking,
maybe I should delete all the old music.
355
00:16:53,125 --> 00:16:56,208
Just the really political bits.
What do you think?
356
00:16:56,291 --> 00:16:57,458
As your agent,
357
00:16:57,541 --> 00:17:00,708
let me deal with that stuff.
You just need to act.
358
00:17:00,791 --> 00:17:05,375
Listen, there's videos of me online
fucking pissing on the British flag.
359
00:17:05,500 --> 00:17:08,375
It's already out there.
All you can do is own it.
360
00:17:08,458 --> 00:17:10,416
That makes you the edgy POC candidate.
361
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:13,541
Yes. Fresh blood.
So new fans for the great old institution.
362
00:17:13,625 --> 00:17:15,833
Don't fight the thing that got you here.
363
00:17:15,916 --> 00:17:17,291
Huh. Okay. Okay.
364
00:17:17,375 --> 00:17:19,666
So what are you saying? Maybe I should...
365
00:17:19,750 --> 00:17:21,416
lean into it? Or...
366
00:17:21,500 --> 00:17:23,958
'Cause Taze and them lot
are doing a show tonight.
367
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:26,208
I could maybe do a little thing there?
368
00:17:26,291 --> 00:17:28,666
There's nothing to lean into.
You just are.
369
00:17:28,750 --> 00:17:31,500
Listen, just don't do anything
and stay home.
370
00:17:31,583 --> 00:17:33,000
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Done.
371
00:17:34,041 --> 00:17:36,041
[upbeat music playing]
372
00:17:44,416 --> 00:17:45,791
♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum ♪
373
00:17:45,875 --> 00:17:47,583
♪ Bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum ♪
374
00:17:47,666 --> 00:17:49,041
♪ Bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum ♪
375
00:17:49,125 --> 00:17:50,833
♪ Bum, bum, bum
Bum, bum, bum ♪
376
00:17:50,916 --> 00:17:53,541
[man vocalising]
377
00:17:57,500 --> 00:17:58,500
[speaking inaudibly]
378
00:18:07,625 --> 00:18:09,250
[vocalising continues]
379
00:18:10,208 --> 00:18:11,708
[music stops]
380
00:18:11,791 --> 00:18:14,208
- [people chattering indistinctly]
- Oh, shit. [chuckles]
381
00:18:15,208 --> 00:18:17,208
- Hey!
- What are you doing here?
382
00:18:18,041 --> 00:18:19,458
Me? What are you doing here?
383
00:18:19,541 --> 00:18:21,916
You're everywhere today.
384
00:18:23,958 --> 00:18:25,666
Pretty cool, innit? [chuckles]
385
00:18:27,083 --> 00:18:28,250
Hmm.
386
00:18:33,333 --> 00:18:35,333
[Punjabi hip-hop music playing]
387
00:18:42,083 --> 00:18:43,791
- What you saying?
- Yo! What's good?
388
00:18:43,875 --> 00:18:45,458
Look who's back on the street!
389
00:18:45,541 --> 00:18:48,541
- Man like Taze, you know!
- Ri-ri-ri-rick-shaaah!
390
00:18:48,625 --> 00:18:50,500
- What's up?
- This shit blew up, huh?
391
00:18:50,583 --> 00:18:52,125
- Yeah, putting the work in.
- Look at how many people.
392
00:18:52,208 --> 00:18:53,375
You've killed it, man!
393
00:18:53,458 --> 00:18:55,041
- What you saying?
- Amit! Yes, G.
394
00:18:55,125 --> 00:18:57,791
What you doing here? Shouldn't you be
protecting Gotham City right now?
395
00:18:57,875 --> 00:18:59,625
- What?
- No, it's not Gotham.
396
00:18:59,708 --> 00:19:01,625
Don't you know? Dude's the new Batman!
397
00:19:01,708 --> 00:19:03,750
It's not Batman. It's James Bond.
398
00:19:04,250 --> 00:19:06,666
[Amit] Hey, easy with the Hollywood
big man shit.
399
00:19:06,750 --> 00:19:07,916
It's just an audition.
400
00:19:08,000 --> 00:19:10,666
You know what? We need to get a picture
for the 'Gram.
401
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:13,625
[chuckles] Safe, man. All right?
402
00:19:13,708 --> 00:19:15,958
It's good to see you,
but I'm just thinking.
403
00:19:16,041 --> 00:19:17,750
- [Amit] What?
- Forget it. It's cool, man.
404
00:19:17,833 --> 00:19:19,791
- [Amit] No, say it!
- Nah, I'm just...
405
00:19:19,875 --> 00:19:21,083
Go on.
406
00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:23,791
I just had a mad thought.
Wouldn't it be sick if I...
407
00:19:24,625 --> 00:19:27,083
if I warmed up for you lot tonight?
408
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,291
'Cause I think the crowd would love it.
Be like a reunion.
409
00:19:29,375 --> 00:19:31,875
- Be like old times, bro.
- Shah, man. How dare you?
410
00:19:31,958 --> 00:19:34,125
- What?
- [Taze] Nothing. You come back,
411
00:19:34,208 --> 00:19:36,208
you act like you fucking own this place.
412
00:19:36,291 --> 00:19:39,250
Walking through here all like,
"Look at me, look at me."
413
00:19:39,333 --> 00:19:41,291
Bruv, I didn't mean it like that.
414
00:19:41,375 --> 00:19:42,458
I didn't mean...
415
00:19:42,541 --> 00:19:44,416
[Taze and Amit laughing]
416
00:19:44,500 --> 00:19:46,333
Oh, my God. "I didn't mean it like that."
417
00:19:46,416 --> 00:19:48,291
You're a dickhead. You're a dickhead.
418
00:19:48,375 --> 00:19:50,250
I can't knock the hustle, man. Yo.
419
00:19:50,333 --> 00:19:51,750
Maybe... Uh, yeah.
420
00:19:51,833 --> 00:19:53,375
I was thinking maybe I could
come through the crowd
421
00:19:53,458 --> 00:19:55,416
you know, like the old days.
422
00:19:55,500 --> 00:19:58,000
- I'll meet you on stage with the mic.
- Shah, man.
423
00:19:58,083 --> 00:20:01,166
There's a lot of hate coming at you
on the Internet right now.
424
00:20:01,250 --> 00:20:04,416
Just don't pay attention to it, all right?
It's all bullshit.
425
00:20:06,458 --> 00:20:08,791
London, are you ready for Taze?
426
00:20:08,875 --> 00:20:10,333
[crowd cheering]
427
00:20:38,125 --> 00:20:40,625
[music starts playing]
428
00:20:40,708 --> 00:20:42,208
[Amit] Yes, yes, London.
429
00:20:42,291 --> 00:20:45,000
Special guest MC in the building.
430
00:20:45,083 --> 00:20:48,166
MC Rickshah!
431
00:20:50,500 --> 00:20:52,166
[crowd cheering]
432
00:20:53,333 --> 00:20:55,041
[music cuts off and on]
433
00:20:56,916 --> 00:20:58,625
[high-pitch tone buzzing]
434
00:20:58,708 --> 00:21:00,041
[heartbeat pulsating]
435
00:21:01,583 --> 00:21:02,875
[music playing]
436
00:21:11,666 --> 00:21:12,875
[breathing heavily]
437
00:21:14,708 --> 00:21:18,000
[Parvez in Urdu] Give us a sign.
Give us a sign, my Lord,
438
00:21:18,083 --> 00:21:21,000
to find the right path. We have strayed.
439
00:21:22,416 --> 00:21:24,291
Forgive us all, Lord.
440
00:21:27,833 --> 00:21:31,541
Rid us of our misfortunes...
441
00:21:31,625 --> 00:21:32,708
[glass shattering]
442
00:21:33,708 --> 00:21:35,250
[men laughing]
443
00:21:35,333 --> 00:21:36,458
[car door shuts]
444
00:21:36,541 --> 00:21:38,208
[car speeds away]
445
00:21:43,541 --> 00:21:45,166
[mobile phone buzzing]
446
00:21:48,458 --> 00:21:50,458
[sombre music playing]
447
00:21:55,416 --> 00:21:57,875
[Shah] "Arse salami..."
448
00:21:57,958 --> 00:21:59,208
- "Fuck."
- "Fuck."
449
00:21:59,291 --> 00:22:02,625
"Fuck you... 007."
450
00:22:06,625 --> 00:22:07,791
[mobile phone buzzing]
451
00:22:15,166 --> 00:22:16,500
[exhales in relief]
452
00:22:18,791 --> 00:22:20,958
["Sweet Dreams
(Are Made of This)" playing]
453
00:22:23,541 --> 00:22:24,666
Fuck!
454
00:22:24,750 --> 00:22:26,541
[woman singing "Sweet Dreams" in Hindi]
455
00:22:34,875 --> 00:22:37,791
[Patrick Stewart] Shah Latif,
welcome to my little podcast.
456
00:22:37,875 --> 00:22:39,208
It's an honour to be here.
457
00:22:39,291 --> 00:22:42,333
[Patrick] Word on the web is
you could be playing Bond.
458
00:22:42,416 --> 00:22:43,666
- [both] Boing!
- Yeah!
459
00:22:43,750 --> 00:22:46,000
- Come on. Don't do that on the red carpet.
- I can't guarantee it.
460
00:22:46,750 --> 00:22:48,583
[Shah] My callback is in a few days.
461
00:22:48,666 --> 00:22:50,541
- [crowd boos]
- Man's sold out!
462
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:53,291
I know you're probably getting
a lot of hate, too.
463
00:22:53,375 --> 00:22:55,875
- [camera clicking]
- Not really.
464
00:22:57,750 --> 00:22:59,041
- [Parvez] You pushed him into this.
- [grunts]
465
00:22:59,125 --> 00:23:00,250
The pressure.
466
00:23:02,666 --> 00:23:03,875
[Patrick] You don't stand a chance.
467
00:23:05,500 --> 00:23:06,500
[car honks]
468
00:23:06,583 --> 00:23:08,000
What do you want, Shah?
469
00:23:08,083 --> 00:23:10,666
[Shah] Material stuff
doesn't really matter to me.
470
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:12,458
- I'm... I'm an artist.
- [all groan]
471
00:23:12,541 --> 00:23:14,208
- I've failed.
- My days.
472
00:23:15,166 --> 00:23:17,166
[song continues]
34260
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