Original subtitles

You alright there, chief?

You look like you lost your lucky bookmark or something.

Oh, no! Did I?

It's fine. I got it right here.

It's just that now that we're actually on the train

heading to Bad Place headquarters

this plan is starting to feel slightly...

completely insane.

This is the only way to get to the Judge?

I'm afraid so. Yes.

See, the Judge exists in a sort of neutral zone

separate from the Good Place and the Bad Place.

The only things there are the Judge's quarters

the Accounting department

and the Janet Warehouse.

No, there's also an IHOP.

Dope! I'm gonna order the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'N Fruity!

No, sorry, um...

in this realm, IHOP stands for "Interdimensional Hole of Pancakes."

You don't really eat these pancakes

it's more like they eat you.

OK, I'll get eggs then.

So, the only way to get to the Judge is through a Portal

which is smack dab in the middle of the main office

at Bad Place headquarters.

And the only way through the Portal is with one of these.

What is that? Is that jewellery? Not that it matters.

It's just some jewellery I don't have.

Can I have it? - These pins are very hard to come by

only upper management-types have them.

So, you guys will lay low, while I get us four more.

Janet doesn't need one, because for Portals

she counts as a "carry-on."

I'm luggage.

I had Janet make you each a Bad Place disguise

and everyone who worked in the Neighbourhood

has been sent back to their previous departments

so the chances of you being recognised are very small.

I don't know. This plan seems complicated.

To be fair, you also once said that about an orange.

They don't make sense!

Apples you eat their clothes, but oranges you don't?

Forget this plan.

I say we just huck a Molotov cocktail and...

Whew! Run through the Portal.

As much as I respect your explosive-based problem-solving skills

I think we should go with Michael's plan.

I'm telling you, Molotov cocktails work.

Any time I had a problem, and I threw a Molotov cocktail - boom!

right away, I had a different problem.

He makes a strong case.

OK, now, you're all gonna need aliases.

Cool. I'm gonna be... "Diana Tremaine."

That was the name on my fake ID in high school.

Her address was 123 Whatever Street

Canada City, Canada.

Arizona bouncers are the best.

Character work! Such fun.

I actually dabbled in a bit of acting after university.

Although, mostly, I just stood around while Baz Luhrmann just threw glitter on me.

- Ooh, I shall be... - "Rhonda Mumps"

and I work down at the hot dog factory! - You need to be more specific.

There are nine hot dog torture departments.

Making people into, stuffing people with...

Ooh, stuffing people sounds fun.

Is that like shoving them into the throats of vegans?

Yes.

throats.

I know what my secret identity is.

You cannot be "Blake Bortles."

Fine. Then I'll be "Jake."

Don't say "Jortles." - "Jortles"!

And I work in the Molotov cocktail department.

Boy, you know, I thought you guys would be more worried about this.

We've been knee-deep in demons for, like, 800 reboots now.

- Lying about who we are is second-nature. - Huh.

Chidi?

I hate this, I hate lying, it's not permissible, I can't do this!

Oh, boy.

Jeez Louise!

Looks like Chidi has a real case of the Mondays, am I right?

Hey, uh... pass the Nascar-ketchup!

Hey, buddy.

Look, if you don't want to lie because it conflicts with your moral principles

I get it.

No one's going to be mad at you.

Really?

No, dumbass!

I'm lying to you to make you feel better!

See? Sometimes lying is awesome!

Plus, I said "dumbass!"

Oh, cursing - how I've missed you.

Look, Eleanor, our goal here is to appear in front of a Judge

who is going to judge us.

What if I lie down here, and I lose 12 points

and then we get in front of the Judge and I'm 12 points short?

Or what if the Judge won't even take our case at all, because we lied to get there?

Kant says that lying is always wrong and I follow that maxim.

So, you can't even lie to demons? They're trying to torture us, man!

We're behind enemy lines!

Look, principles aren't principles when you pick and choose

when you're going to follow them.

I won't lie about who I am.

OK.

I understand, and I'm cool with it.

You're lying right now, aren't you? - Yes, I wanna strangle you.

What even is this thing?

I hate suits.

They remind me of court, and going to court

and being my own lawyer against the advice of the judge in court

and getting immediately convicted in court.

I think you look nice.

I think you look sexy.

Here.

I got you this to help your disguise. - Whoa, a briefcase?

"Take my credit card to the hedge fund. I'll meet you at the martini store."

Oh, you're gonna get caught. Give me the briefcase back. Thanks.

Aw...

Janet, you need to get in character, too.

Now, I know you look like a Bad Janet but can you act like one?

I have gained a lot of new skills recently.

For example, I learned how to be passive aggressive.

Totally fine that you guys haven't noticed.

Oh! - Well, let's practice.

OK.

I'm going to make a simple request

and you're going to give me that patented "Bad Janet" attitude.

- Can I have a glass of water? - Here you go.

No.

Let's try again. Be mean!

Bad Janet, can I have a glass of water?

No.

I would never give you that, you...

dumb person.

Janet, what's that behind your back? - Nothing.

Give it to me. - It's a glass of water.

Oh...

And a back-up glass. Oh, boy... - Oh!

It's OK, we'll keep working.

OK. - You'll get the hang of it

Or my name isn't Rhonda Apple Pie Spiderman Mumps.

We're here.

All trains today are delayed by three hours.

Just like they are every day.

All passengers, you all suck and you're ugly.

Keep walking.

Again. You all suck... - Keep your heads down.

...and you are ugly.

Just act unnatural.

Hey, guys.

So, you wait here, while I go get us some more of these pins.

But what is this place? - It's just a place.

You know, an area, or "location." It's pretty straightforward.

"The Museum of Human Misery?"

Oh. Yeah, OK.

It's a torture museum.

Famous examples of bad behaviour, and explanations of the torture they earned.

Is there a gift shop? - Jason, this is Hell.

Of course there's a gift shop.

It's the least horrifying room. It's the "Hall of Low-Grade Crappiness."

"First person to floss in an open-plan office."

Well, she deserves to be tortured - she's a monster.

This was the safest place I could think of

no one ever comes in here.

Guys, if you do leave this room

you're gonna see things that will haunt you for eternity.

OK, back soon. Bye.

Hey, hey.

Be careful. OK?

"Be careful"?

Yeah.

Oh, Eleanor, are you worried about me?

Yeah, I'm worried.

I mean, cos you're our ticket out of here, genius.

Don't go getting all goopy on me.

No, worry about them. I'll be fine.

OK.

"First man to send an unsolicited picture of his genitals."

Heh... heh... heh...

"First waiter to approach a diner with an empty plate"

"and, sarcastically, say, 'I guess you hated it.'"

"First white person to grow dreadlocks."

And first person to call ultimate Frisbee "ultimate"!

This dude rules!

Alright, everyone...

we've got a lot of work to do.

Why don't you set up the bar over by that wall?

Why don't you roll off your mum and do it yourself, ya fat dink?

Set up more of those tables. We're expecting a big crowd.

You got it, you piece of...

butt.

Son of a bitch!

Still happy I can swear now, but everything else about this is very bad.

Hey, boss.

I'm back.

Welcome home. Axe up.

Ho! New scent.

"Transformers." - Yes.

It makes you smell the way "Transformers" movies make you feel.

Still can't believe those jack-offs got away from us.

Really zips my tip.

Yeah. - Anyway...

I drew up some extradition papers to get them back from Mindy's.

I think I'll take a few of my most trusted staff

hop in the Portal, file those with the Judge

quick stop for pancakes

and then I'll head on back.

By the way, I'm gonna need, uh...

four pins, for my crew.

This is very thorough, however...

Is that where we're putting top-priority files nowadays?

We won't need extradition papers.

Plans are already in motion to get the humans back in a different way.

Ah.

Oh man, this is not good.

This is noooot good!

Would you chill out? Haven't you ever crashed a party before?

No! I've only been to like, four parties total

and all of them were thrown by Tahani after I was already dead.

Alright, well, we can't just stand here in a group, looks too conspicuous.

I'll go with Tahani, Chidi go with Jason.

That way, Jason's unearned confidence let's him do all the talking

and you don't have to lie. OK?

Come on, Diana! Let's hit the bar!

I'm gonna get me a tall glass of pipin' hot corn syrup

and a scooter so I can roll around the mall!

That's really good. - Thank you.

Hors d'oeuvre?

Ooh, what do you got?

Soul food from Maine, bagels from Arkansas

Hawaiian pizza, of course

and egg salad from a hospital vending machine in Azerbaijan.

Uh, that!

Have a terrible evening.

No way! Trent? Is that you?

Uh, who else could it be?

Come on. Tap it out. Boom-boom!

Whassup? I'm Chet.

Jake is my name, Molotov cocktails is my game.

I think school is lame, I gotta tattoo of David Blaine! What!

Whoo! Tight!

Ball tap!

Dip! Ball tap!

Oh! That's a firm ball tap, bro.

Anyway, cha'boy Trent and I worked together in Partial Decapitations.

When did you leave de-cap? 800 years ago?

Uh, something like that.

I just joined a new department - Toxic Masculinity.

We torture internet trolls, frat dudes.

It actually started as a training program

to prep for when the "Girls Gone Wild" dude gets here.

Joe Francis! - The one.

Legend!

Ha-ha! Bro-hams!

Get over here and meet my top dog, Trent.

Dude's a straight beast when it comes to torture!

Sup, bro? - Sup, bro?

It's actually pretty choice that we're running into you right now.

My top dog Dirk here, he got stuck with a new case.

He can't crack it. Hit 'em with it, D-Money.

So, I'm trying to torture this guy, right, Brant.

Brant was a total lord - he got kicked off of Rob Gronkowski's party cruise

for throwing a lobster at a stripper, and then he died doing a keg stand

in the back of a moving Jeep Wrangler.

Anyways, we run a couple hundred torture scenarios

none of them seemed quite right, you know? Think we can get you to crack this nut?

Well, I mean, how... how can I say no?

Yeah, I know how I would say no.

You know, I'd be all like...

"No!"

But... You know, I can't.

You're so weird, Trent, man. You're always so weird.

I love that about you. - Yeah...

Don't get me wrong, I love shoving hot dogs into people

But once you've dogged every hole, you just start to feel like you're repeating yourself.

Whew. I hear that, sister.

I'm gonna go take a dump - you want me to grab you one?

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

Not even a little nug? - Nah, I'm 'aight.

Alright.

Damn, you're good at this.

Well, hang out with Johnny Depp long enough and you become pretty good at lying.

Like, "No, your whole thing isn't exhausting at all!"

Hi there, you big stinky poop-face guys!

Ugh, it's me - Good Janet!

I'm sorry I called you big stinky poop-face guys.

That's OK. Janet, can you dig around a little bit

and find out what this event is, and how long it's gonna last?

I'd love to! Punch your... teeth!

Hey.

Teeth...

What's all this?

Well, I was going to try to get the humans back by going through the proper channels

but then I remembered -

I'm a naughty bitch.

So...

I sent a black ops team to Mindy's, to... "extract" them.

Nobody from the Bad Place is allowed in Mindy's Neighbourhood.

You can't do that, Shawn. It's... it's... it's illegal!

Oh, no.

Guys, Michael says this is illegal. I hadn't thought of that.

That was sarcasm - I had thought of that.

Listen, your experiment blew up in our faces.

The example I made out of Vicky ensured that everybody from the Neighbourhood

has kept their mouths shut, but we're not out of the woods

until those four are back in custody.

So, I rounded up some loyal friends, and took matters into my own hands.

Relax, Mike. This will all be over soon, and we can all head down to the museum.

The museum?

Yes. Your Neighborhood - our Neighborhood

is being immortalised for its success.

It's all gonna work out.

I took the form of a 45-year-old white man for a reason -

I can only fail up.

Oh, OK, our team is five minutes out.

Bad Janet, burn us some popcorn.

Help yourselves, everybody.

Hey! Hi. So, um...

those bro demons over there think I'm some kind of great torturer

and they want my advice on how to torture someone.

Jason is stalling by ranking MMA ring girls with them

but I have to do something.

Eleanor, you're wearing glasses now, help me!

You know the answer, dude.

Lie your ass off. If Rhonda can do it, you can.

You know, I once shoved a hot dog right down the throat of the legendary John Wayne.

She even name-drops in Hell.

I told you, lies have consequences!

I will have contributed to someone's eternal torture

because I disobeyed a basic Kantian moral principle.

I'm gonna be sick.

And I don't want to go back to the bathroom because they put mirrors in the toilet

and that makes you really confront what you're doing!

OK, OK. Sit down. Take a breath.

Rub your lucky bookmark. Hear me out.

What if lying is ethical, in this situation?

What if, uh... certain actions aren't universally good or bad

like Jonathan Dancy says?

Jonathan Dancy? Are... are you talking about moral particularism?

We never even covered that.

You read on your own!

You think just because I'm a straight hottie I can't read philosophy for fun?

I... - Look.

Moral particularism says there are no fixed rules that work in every situation.

Like, let's say you... you promised your friend you'd go to the movies

but then your mum suddenly gets rushed to the ER?

Your boy Kant would say, "never break a promise."

"Go see 'Chronicles of Riddick, ' doesn't matter if your mom gets lonely"

"and steals a bucket of Vicodin from the nurse's closet."

Real example? - Yep.

But a moral particularist - like me

I'm one now, I just decided

would say, "There's no absolute rule, you have to choose your actions"

"based on the particular situation."

And right now, we are in a pretty bonkers situation.

I don't think I can change what I believe, just like that.

And I didn't think I would ever be at a cocktail party in literal Hell

lecturing my teacher-slash-ex-lover about moral particularism

but life throws you curveballs, bro!

And need I remind you, it was doing things your way that made you end up here.

Hey, man! Get back over there, dog!

Damn...

You got that good stank.

Thanks. Right back at you, bud.

Smash you later. Let's roll.

Hey, bu... ass!

Butt-ass.

How long is this stupid event supposed to last, anyway?

They're unveiling the exhibit in ten minutes

then everyone'll get drunk and poke each other with hot sticks

and then it'll be over.

Farts.

Uh-oh.

Bad Janet? Walkie-Talkie Mode.

Now entering Mindy St Claire's house.

This is so exciting!

I hope everyone gets hurt!

Living room is clear. Entering the bedroom.

Oh, yeah!

- Ow. - Oh, God!

This feels so weird!

- Here we go. - Oh! Do some coke off my butt!

- Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! Who are you guys? - Oh! Friends!

Hi, I'm Derek.

Where are the humans? And who is Derek?

Me is Derek. These are my wind chimes.

Uh, oh! Oh! My wind chimes like you.

The only people here are Mindy St Claire

and an unknown male with a genital deformity.

The four humans are not here.

Where is Michael?

Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy...

Hey there, Mike.

Hey, Lance! Lookin' good, buddy!

Lose some weight? - Heh! I wish.

Listen up, people.

We need to find Michael, and we need to be discrete.

You, search from the spastic dentistry department down through "disembowelment."

You, cover "children's dance recitals" through "Holiday Weekend Ikea." Go!

Hey, hey, hey! Found him. He was birddogging some tail.

Yeah, what you got for me, Trent?

Well, peep this, dawg. You really wanna torture this dirtbag?

You give him books.

I'm serious.

This one time I was assigned this, uh... chick that I... I had to torture

and I just couldn't figure it out.

And then I realized - she hated books.

So, I just gave her mad books to read, around the clock.

And the books, like... exploded?

No, no, no, no, uh...

they were just you know, uh... regular moral philosophy books.

You know, everyone hates moral philosophers.

That is true.

And I... I know it's wild, but, you know, sometimes you gotta think outside the bun.

Whoo! - Ah, sick Taco Bell ref.

Very nice.

But I don't know, man. It sounds kind of lame.

This guy's the best? Really?

Yeah, you know, maybe I don't know what I'm talking ab...

ball tap!

That's what you get for questioning Trent!

The torture master!

He got you so bad!

He did. He did. Nice job, bro.

Alright, you've convinced me. I'll give him books.

Hey, you two. Get your ugly necks over here.

Guys, I found something very bad. We have to get out of here right now.

Alright, everybody gather around. Gather round.

This is the moment we've all been waiting for.

What do we do? - Just don't draw attention.

Whatever this is, it'll be over in a second and we can sneak out the door.

Feast your eyes on the newest exhibit here at The Museum of Human Misery.

The Residents of Neighborhood 12358W.

Oh, no.

Is that what they think my hair looks like?

This game-changing experiment chose four humans and had them torture each other.

It's already led to major breakthroughs in the future of our industry.

Now, obviously we couldn't get the actual four idiots

as they're off being tortured, so we cooked up the next best thing.

- Wanna meet them? - Yes!

I'm Tahani al-Jamil, a vainglorious attention-seeker

with enough jealousy to power Elon Musk's underwater mansion

which I've been to, by the way!

I have, actually. It's remarkable.

It's remarkable.

I'm Chidi Anagonye. Or maybe I'm not. I can't decide anything.

Or maybe I can.

Ah! I can't decide! My stomach hurts!

What? They kinda nailed it. I've heard you say all that stuff.

I'm Eleanor Shellstrop

I mock others to distract myself from the emptiness inside me.

That's fair, that's fair.

I'm Jason Mendoza.

Duh!

That's me.

Hey, where have you been?

Ooh! How do you smell loud and confusing?

No time to explain. We gotta go. I got the travel pins.

Yo! That looks like my boy Trent.

And isn't that Rhonda Mumps?

Come on!

There he is. - Uh-oh!

And he's got the humans with him.

Alright, let's just back up here.

What do we do?

This!

Jortles!

Go!

Hey, Eleanor, thanks for the advice.

It was really helpful. Even though I had to say a lot of words I don't like

like "douche," and "chick," and "peep this." - OK, great. No problem.

I'm just kind of focused on running right now!

Here. Put the pins on your lapels.

OK, OK...

Uh, you didn't give me a pin, man. I don't have one.

OK, OK. Hang on. Hang on.

Hey, where's Janet?

No time to wait for her. You three go, now. Now!

Portals!

Any day now, man!

Hey!

Hey, guess what?

I just solved the Trolley Problem.

Remember? The thought experiment, where you're driving the trolley

and you're gonna either plough into a group of people, or turn and hit one person?

I solved it.

That's really great. But I don't think now's the time.

See, the Trolley Problem forces you to choose between two versions

of letting other people die.

And the actual solution is very simple

sacrifice yourself.

What does that mean?

You look after the others.

They need you. - No.

Step away from the portal!

Goodbye, Eleanor. - No, no, wait!

Wait!

Hey, boss.

What's up?