Original subtitles

OK, I don't know about you guys, but I say we leave this miserable shirthole.

No, wait, wait. Not so fast.

Now, getting to the Good Place is pretty tricky

there's no train to catch.

I have to design a complicated, unique transportation vehicle.

Is it Optimus Prime?

What? - I can't believe we get to ride a real-life

Optimus Prime! I call right nipple!

That's "Shotgun" on Optimus Prime.

Look, this vehicle, which is decidedly not Optimus Prime...

Aw!

...has never been built before. So, I'm gonna need a few days to do this.

Dude, we just escaped by the skin of our teeth

and any second now, Shawn is gonna realise that we are not at Mindy St Clair's.

So, whatever this magical Good Place-mobile is

now's the time to whip it out, B!

I agree. And although I believe I've asked you this question already...

There is no "business class."

Michael, they're right. We gotta go.

Oh. Let's do...

OK, here goes nothing. Janet, if you would?

Aaaand presto!

Oops.

Forgot to log in first.

Gotta answer my, uh... security question.

"What was the name of your childhood pet?"

Korzoff... the Ten-Headed...

Dog-Spider.

Aaaand presto!

Dope!

We did it, guys.

We won.

We're going to the Good Place.

In a frickin' gold balloon!

Shotgun!

It's a hot air balloon, what does that even mean?

Top of the balloon! Ultimate shotgun.

Guys, just a reminder

I have no idea what's going to happen once we actually

reach the Good Place.

You know, we're trying to slip in through a kind of side door

and even if that works

we have no way of knowing if they'll let us stay.

Of course they'll let us stay - we're refugees.

I mean, what kind of a messed-up place would turn away refugees?

Quite agree. We should get a move on.

Obviously, if I'd known we'd be ballooning, I would've worn a proper ballooning outfit

but time is of the essence, so...

Tahani. Yeah, no, no, don't. Don't touch that.

It's probably locked.

It's a very complicated control system.

I may need a few minutes to get a handle on this.

Why don't you all go say goodbye to the Neighbourhood?

Oh, then I could change into a proper ballooning outfit!

Oh, hurrah!

Are you making fun of me?

No, I legit wanna see you in that outfit.

Oh!

So many memories of this place -

eating frozen yogurt and then having diarrhea

and then eating more frozen yogurt

and then more diarrhea.

Maybe I should've realized this wasn't the Good Place

because of all the diarrhea.

Maybe you shouldn't be eating all that frozen yogurt right now.

We're about to be on a balloon, man.

What do you think our new home will be like?

I'm picturing Hawaiian beach, unlimited Mai Tais

and a phone!

Ugh, I miss my phone so much. I bet I have so many texts.

I just want us all to be together. Separate houses, obviously.

Large lawns.

I'd have a tasteful moat.

I don't care where I live, as long as they have more of this frozen yogurt.

Why? Why?

An unlimited library

all of my philosopher heroes walking around

waiting to be engaged in rigorous intellectual debate.

And I hope that library is air-conditioned

because we are gonna be working up quite a sweat!

Oh! And soulmates!

I hope they're real.

I mean... you know...

for... for all of us.

I mean, I hope everyone gets someone special.

Uh, mm...

Good news! We've got a handle on the controls.

Who's ready to go ballooning?

OK, I think we figured it out.

I pieced together this design from a number of ancient manuscripts

which Janet will now interpret for you.

"The balloon will only transport those who have attained self-realisation."

"Each traveler will step upon the scale, and her soul shall be weighed."

"If she is the best version of herself, it will permit her to board."

"If not, passage will be denied."

Cool.

Cool. Cool.

We got this.

I don't know about you guys, but I am definitely the best version of myself.

I know a shirt-ton about ethics now, because I studied.

And I read books, that weren't even written by the "Real Housewives."

Relax, everyone. We're all gonna be fine.

Oh, man, I didn't believe anything I was saying. I just...

Whoo! In I go.

Well, I mean...

Oh, dip!

Ah, nuts!

It's OK!

The pattern is "green-green-green-red."

Remember that when it starts up again.

I'm sorry, everyone.

I just have some worries, as well as some concerns

that could potentially turn into outright fears.

Ah, there they go. Ah, they're...

they're fears now. I'm scared.

OK, I know this mood.

Come with us, Doctor Freak-Out.

That was a joke. We're actually very good friends.

OK, here's the thing.

That balloon wants us to be the best version of ourselves, but for the four of us

that's not just a metaphor.

It doesn't just mean, "are we the nicest that we've ever been?" or something

although I am also worried about that.

But the real issue here is that there have been literally 802 different versions of us!

And how do I know that this version is the best version of myself?

How do I know it's not version number 85?

Or 322? Or 558?

Or 69 or 420!

You know, and... and then you get into the whole idea of...

of consciousness. And, I mean, just forget about "best"

what version of Chidi is even real?

I mean, I think that "I" am here, but what if the real "I"

is one of those other Chidis, and... and...

and this Chidi is an imposter!

What happens here? Does he eventually tire himself out?

Usually, but this one seems to be

getting stronger as he goes on.

...over time, because our consciousness is constantly changing.

Which is just playing on the Buddhist doctrine of the "non-self."

Plus, physically, our cells change every seven years, which doesn't matter

because we're dead.

OK. This is pretty simple, bud.

You've been our teacher this whole time and we are much better because of you.

If we're the best versions of ourselves, which that balloon just proved

then you definitely are.

So, in a way, it...

it doesn't matter if I was "better" in version 492 or whatever

because the best version of "me"

is just as much about my effect on the world around me

as it is about my own egocentric self-image.

I really meant that much to you guys?

Of course you did.

Now let's get you back on that scale, dorkus!

Oh, good, you're back. I had Janet make some food for the trip.

Twizzlers for Jason.

Shrimp for Eleanor.

Chidi, hard-boiled eggs.

And for Tahani, Lord Vivian's Vinegar-Drenched Cuttlefish Crisps.

Oh, my favourite savoury dessert!

Oh, un-pickled...

No, thank you.

Chidi? Ready to try again?

Yeah, all right.

Yeah!

Dope!

Ugh!

Chidi got in my head!

It's just that thing Chidi said about previous versions of myself

it's screwing me up, but I can fix it.

Phew!

I stole this from your house the first night we were here.

OK. Should be the best version of myself now.

Urgh! Come on, scale! Be cool!

Guys, we're just not ready.

I think we should regroup, and try again tomorrow...

Hang on. I know the answer.

I know why I'm not my best self.

Do you remember that version of me, from the tape of us, at Mindy's?

Where I was vulnerable and emotional, and honest?

That Eleanor is a better Eleanor than this one.

And that is not an easy thing for me to say.

"You're not better than me" was my yearbook quote.

Michael, can you tell us a little bit about that version?

Uh... reboot number 119.

All the restaurants were kebab places.

You had a pet lizard, which I made poop on you all the time.

No, can you tell us more about Chidi's and my relationship

from that version?

Right. Sorry. Well, you got really into ethics

and you spent a lot of time together.

Once, you handed him a tissue right before he sneezed

and that simple act of anticipating his needs made him fall for you.

One night you took a walk along the lake, and you had your first kiss

which... gross. Kissing is gross.

You just mash your food-holes together.

It's not for that!

Anyway, it, uh... it just... you know...

bloomed after that.

Look. There are obviously some undealt-with issues here.

I propose that everyone who is "green" go ahead and board the magic balloon

and set out to the Good Place.

You know, sort of like an advance team.

We'll put our names in, or book a table, however it works

and then we'll send back the magical balloon for the "red-light people" later on.

It's a perfect plan.

No!

It's not working, it probably thinks I'm Eleanor.

It is I, Tahani!

Wait! Wait!

I'm not really my best self, guys.

Tahani keeps trying to talk to me about our relationship, but I keep dodging it.

Plus I haven't talked to Janet about me and her yet.

And I haven't talked to Michael about the band I want us to start

"The Rock and Roll Buddies."

Yes, actually you did.

I said, uh... I wasn't interested.

In case you were wondering, I am by definition the best version of myself

because my operating system is always updating.

I'm not sure that's true, Janet.

You still haven't talked to Jason about your romantic baggage.

And the three of you are in some sort of weird love triangle.

You don't know what you're talking about. Also, love isn't a triangle.

It's a five-dimensional blob. So...

OK, if you're so perfect, step on the scale. - Fine.

- Ooh! I think I broke it. - No!

My beautiful balloon scale!

It's not yours!

No, no, please, stop fighting!

Ah, man. This... this stinks.

I'm having this feeling where... what is it called?

You know where you, uh...

you did a thing and you're sad after it? What...

"After-sad"? Is that...

No. Gah! You humans have so many emotions.

You only need two -

anger and confusion!

Michael, what's going on?

The problem isn't any of you.

It...

This whole balloon thing is a fake.

The truth is, I have no idea how to get into the Good Place

and I never have.

Well, Michael's right.

I'm angry and confused.

So, months ago, when you said you had this whole complicated plan

for getting us to the Good Place...? - It was a lie.

I assumed if I bought myself some time, I could figure out a way in.

Guys, I tried a billion different ways.

Not an exaggeration - I actually tried one billion and 12 different plans

but the only way into the Good Place is by being a good person on Earth.

This is unforgivable. How many times can you betray us?

I'm sorry. I really am.

Because while I was searching for a way to get in

I was also taking your ethics classes

learning why it was bad to lie.

So not only did I fail at getting us into the Good Place

I also learned the "error of my ways."

Real rock bottom for a demon, I'll tell ya.

So... how did you know that I would doubt myself

and make the scale turn red?

I mean, at the risk of seeming blunt

I'm a puppet master and you have long been my puppets.

But this was not torture!

I... I was stalling, so I could keep searching for a way in.

I would have been happy if you were to live in this Neighbourhood forever

but then Shawn came and... and... and just ruined the whole thing.

So, what happens now?

Shawn will eventually figure out you're not at Mindy's.

And he'll realize that someone on the inside was helping you.

So, you'll go to the real Bad Place forever, and I will be...

be retired.

You're... you're mad at me.

I'm not mad.

I'm just disappointed.

Aw, come on, everyone knows that's worse.

So, this really is the end. Completely out of options, are we?

Not completely out of options.

We can do what the Shellstrops have always done, when the chips are down

ignore our problems and drink heavily.

Janet!

A million bottles of your finest booze, please.

You alright?

Kinda. I asked Michael if I could pop the giant balloon

and he said no.

Then I asked if I could suck the helium out of it

to make my voice sound funny so it cheers everyone up...

and he just kind of sighed and walked away

so I guess that one is still on the table.

Are you and me cool?

Not exactly.

I think perhaps, given everything, it's best we end our relationship.

It's probably about time I stopped relying on others for my sense of self-worth

or happiness.

You know, my whole life, whenever I encountered any obstacles

I would simply say

"I would like to speak to your manager."

But in our relationship, there is no manager.

There is no one who can fix this for me, except me.

My mum was a manager at a pet store. Does that help?

No, and please don't launch into one of your long stories.

She got fired - No, Jason...

after I robbed the pet store - Please, please, please, please, Jason.

where she worked. We robbed it together. - No, no, no, no, no. Please, stop.

Long story short, it was all a dream.

Thank you, Jason, for making this moment a little easier, for me.

Dude, here's where I'm at -

feelings are stupid.

Yeah. Who needs them?

But, uh... in case feelings aren't stupid, and, in the case that we are

eternally doomed, I thought it might be worth mentioning that I do...

have feelings for you.

And I... I know you don't feel the same way.

And although that fills me with...

anger and confusion...

Wow, Michael was right on the money.

I just wanted you to know the truth.

You are... I mean...

- No, no, don't say anything. Don't. Don't. - I want to, I want to.

I want to.

Here's the thing about me.

You know the sound that a fork makes in the garbage disposal?

That's the sound that my brain makes, all the time.

It's just this constant grinding.

About things I'm afraid of, or things that I want

or want to want, or want to want to...

Is it grinding in there right now, bud? - Yep.

But the... the point is, the circumstances under which we met

are completely insane, and that just makes the grinding harder.

I just wish we'd met the way normal people meet

like at a philosophy conference, or after one of my philosophy lectures...

or... or you came knocking

on my office door asking for help with philosophy.

Is that how you think people meet?

I don't know how normal people meet.

It's not that I couldn't love you.

You're amazing

and...

fearless, and...

and clearly...

symmetrical.

You're such a nerd.

Attention, everyone!

We may not know exactly which version of ourselves was technically our "best self"

but you know what?

I like who we are right now.

To this version of us.

To the good people we've all become.

Oh, and to Eleanor!

Our unofficial leader.

You pack a lot of heart and grit into that diminutive frame.

Like a scrappy little auto-mechanic.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, babe, and I'll take it.

And to Janet! The best robot...

Not a robot. - Girl...

Not a girl. - And straight-up hottie...

I am attractive, yes.

...any of us could have ever asked for.

Thanks, guys.

Because of the way we were conceived of and created

Janets don't typically give speeches.

Oh, she's done. She's not gonna give a speech.

Oh. - OK. Cool.

Oh, one more toast! To Michael!

Michael!

Who is easily the best version of himself

granted the bar was low.

Mm-hmm. - He is a demon.

- Mm... - But...

he made a mistake and admitted he was wrong

which makes him better than 90% of all humans.

And you know what? It wasn't really Michael's fault.

We weren't getting into the Good Place anyway.

I mean, look at us -

a self-obsessed socialite

a ridiculous giraffe

an absurd British aristocrat, a narcissistic attention-seeker...

Are these all me? - Yes.

I was gonna do eight for you, and one for everyone else.

The point is, Michael...

we forgive you.

I mean, at least you tried to find a way to the Good Place.

And that's the greatest thing someone can do

just try your best.

So, we hereby name you an "honourary human"

and we would like to present you with this Human Starter Kit.

Car keys! So I can lose them and say, "Has anyone seen my car keys?"

Oh, and then I can do that, you know, that thing where you... you...

Thank you!

And Band-Aids, for your stupid fragile bodies.

Oh, and look at this - a stress ball with a dumb corporate logo?

Oh, I can't wait to keep finding this

and then almost throw it away, and then think

"No, I'll... I'll use it!"

Oh... guys.

A Doctor Oz diet book, because you're all such suckers.

This is all garbage that I have no real use for.

That's right. Welcome to being human, buddy.

To Michael.

♪ I do my makeup in somebody else's car ♪

♪ We order different drinks at the same bars... ♪

♪ Unforgettable That's what you are ♪

♪ Unforgettable... ♪

- You don't remember? - No!

No, of course you don't.

Oh, that's mean.

That was version one.

Michael...

there's a message coming in from Shawn.

"Finish shutting everything down."

"Sending train first thing tomorrow."

"Humans will be captured and tortured soup."

"Sorry, autocorrect."

"Soon."

"Although weirdly I did just finish turning someone into soup."

"So random."

"OK, bye."

What do you guys think the Bad Place is going to be, for you?

I'll probably go to a Skrillex concert

and I'll be waiting for the bass drop.

And it...

it'll never come.

For me, it'll be camping.

Like, I'll just always be camping.

I'm pretty good at turning every place I go in...

into my personal hell, so

I think they'll have a lot of options, for me.

Mine will obviously be an eternity spent in the Swiss Alps.

That sounds amazing.

In Autumn. The off-season!

Yeah, still fine.

You'd be fine.

Who are we kidding, you'll probably be running the place in, like, a week.

She'll be like...

"Oh, hibbledy-dibbledy! This simply won't do!"

"I demand to speak to your manager."

- Again, again! - "Your manager!"

Of course! That's it.

We should speak to the manager!

Wait, you said that there was a judge

who decides on disputes between the Good Place and the Bad Place, right?

Some sort of "head honcho" I could pace in front of, and plead our case to

and maybe even wag a finger at, disapprovingly?

I thought about that, it's a non-starter.

Judge rarely hears cases.

And the only way to get to the Judge's office is through a portal

and we can never get to that.

Well, why not?

We'd have to walk through the actual Bad Place, in plain sight

without getting caught, reach and pass through the portal

which is in the very centre of Bad Place headquarters

convince the Judge to hear us out

even though we didn't go through the proper channels

and then somehow win our unwinnable case.

OK.

Let's do it.

You're serious?

Yeah! What do we have to lose?

All I've really ever wanted was to know what it feels like to be human.

And now, we're going to do the most human thing of all

attempt something futile, with a ton of unearned confidence

and fail spectacularly!

Get up! Get up!

Everyone!

Get rest tonight.

First thing tomorrow... we're going to the Bad Place.

We had a lot of good times together.

I'll see you in the next life.

Goodbye, clowns.

Goodbye, modernist architecture that I was too trashy to appreciate.

Goodbye, house.

Goodbye, house.

What up, idiot?

This is the 8:22 express to Bad Place Headquarters.

We'd like to begin the boarding process with our first-class fat dinks

and there is no overhead storage

so if you have any bags, why don't you just go ahead

and place them up your fat butts.

Sorry about this, Bad Janet. - Sorry about what, ya fat dink?

This was your life's work.

Are you OK with leaving the fake Good Place behind?

As long as I'm with you guys, I'm always in the fake Good Place.

That doesn't sound as nice as you think it does.

The real Bad Place was the friends we made along the way.

Nope. Still nonsense. One more try?

In a way

the Good Place was inside the Bad Place...

all along?

You know what? That's technically true, I'm gonna give it to you.

Ah!

I just made an aphorism.

Hit it, Janet.

Next stop, the actual Bad Place!