Original subtitles

Hello, Michael.

Shut the door. Have a seat.

When you proposed this new form of torture, we all laughed behind your back.

Some people called you names, like "The Thomas Edison of Incompetence"

or, "That Dick."

Mm-hm.

But against all odds, it seems you've pulled it off.

What you've done here is truly amazing.

Really? - Yes. These reports are remarkable.

Your humans are experiencing emotional torture

at the same level of physical torture

created by our squiggliest Eyeball Corkscrews.

I'm... jubilant.

As a result of our success, I'm getting a seat on the High Council.

We will greatly expand our Neighbourhood idea

and you will oversee the entire project.

You are being promoted.

Your Senior Staff Pin. Congratulations.

This is everything you've ever wanted.

This is everything I've ever wanted.

Oh!

This is everything I've ever wanted!

Oh, wow!

- You're really happy? - Can't you tell?

I'm basically squealing like a birthday girl.

At some point, we should finish discussing yesterday's events.

Do you mean us almost getting married

and then finding out I was married to Janet

and then Janet making a boyfriend to forget me

and then Janet getting rid of that boyfriend?

Or do you mean when we saw that cool cloud?

The first bit.

Perhaps later, after Michael briefs us on how we're going to be fake-tortured today

we can just sit down and have a chat?

Yes. Good idea.

Yo, Chidi? - Yeah?

You wanna hear about a cool cloud I saw?

Come in.

I'd like to start by saying something I've wanted to say for a very long time.

Surprise, idiots! You're all in the Bad Place!

That's right, nerds!

Everything around you, all you can see, is an elaborate system of torture

designed just for you.

Sorry... we're in the Bad Place?

Why are you revealing this now?

Well, it was an experiment, and it worked, so my boss is promoting me.

Sorry, I should've introduced you. This is my boss, Shawn.

Hello, imbeciles.

We need to study everything that happened here.

There was a first version that collapsed, but the second has been a huge success.

We'll be shutting this place down.

The four of you will be brought to the real Bad Place

where your brains will be removed, studied, and batted about a stadium like beach balls.

Your arms will be peeled like bananas - that part's just for fun.

Right. - And then you will be...

you know, tortured forever.

Michael, is this all true? - Yes, Eleanor, it is.

You're such a rube, thinking you could become a better person.

You got Chidi to teach you stupid philosophy

like those old farts were going to provide guidance.

"Oh, Kierkegaard is so great, have you read 'Fear and Trembling'?"

"Well, I don't know, have you read 'Boring and Stupid'?"

Because that's what you are.

Nice. - Thank you.

How long will it take you to shut down the Neighbourhood?

Better part of a day, I'd guess.

In the meantime, why don't we have a "farewell" party here tonight?

You know, just to thank the crew for all the hard work?

We can jam to some tunes, you know?

Destroy the place, play beer pong with Jason's testicles...

What do you say, boss? - Sure.

By the way, I know what you're thinking. "Maybe Janet can help."

Ah... - You're wrong. Janet?

Oh, hi, little cuties!

I love you guys so much.

Except for you, Jason, because I hate you.

- I hate you. - Janet? What's wrong?

Oh! Where's my phone?

We put a Restraining Bracelet on her, disrupting her powers.

It's made of mag-a-nets. Magnets. Mag-a-nittens...

Magnets are supposed to make me feel drunk, but guess what? I feel fine.

I can't believe Michael betrayed us again. Why is it always the ones you most expect?

I should've seen this coming. No one can ever truly "turn over a new leaf."

Sure, Ben Affleck told me he'd matured as an artist after he directed "Argo"

but then, right on schedule, it was

"Guess what, Tahani? I'm gonna be Batman!"

There's only one option.

Shawn clearly doesn't know that Michael has rebooted this Neighbourhood 800 times.

I say we trade that information for some kind of reduced sentence.

Chidi, they're monsters!

Who's to say they won't agree to a deal, hear what we have to say

and then turn around and install us into their horrible human zoo?

There's no other option.

There's no way for a human to get that bracelet off of Janet.

If there were, we could get her to call us a train to Mindy St Claire's house.

We know for a fact that the people from the Bad Place can't follow us there

- and I vote for that. - I vote we...

No, sorry, and no offense, Jason, but the stakes here are too high

to let someone with your limited intellectual processing capacity weigh in.

I was gonna agree with you. - Oh, great.

Well, that's two votes for my plan.

Eleanor. What do you think?

Trade information on Michael, or try to escape to the Medium Place?

Neither.

I vote we ignore everything Michael just said

and blindly assume he's still on our side.

Who's with me?

Sorry, but when all this started

you're the one who told us that Michael wasn't trustworthy.

- Now you want us to trust him? - Yes.

For one very specific and rock-solid reason.

What's-his-name!

Who?

The dude! The super-depressing religious guy.

The real buzzkill, whose name I can never remember.

Keeblers... car.

Kyra... Sedgwick?

Oh, I love her! Dear friend of mine.

Not important right now.

Kierkegaard? - Yes!

Kierkegaard! When Michael was mocking us

about trying to become better people, whose name did he use, huh?

Kierkegaard. I think he was sending us a message.

To take a leap of faith.

Cos that was Kierkegaard's thing, right?

Yes, although it's probably better translated as a "leap into faith."

It's so hard to be your friend. - Yup. Sorry.

Michael was telling us to trust him!

I had a long talk with him the other night, about the whole Derek incident.

Dude was shook - talking about ethics, and all spiralling about human stuff.

I think he's on our side.

Or maybe, he's a supernatural demon designed to torture people

who just got offered his dream job

and has flipped on us like a ten-stone griddle-chip!

It's a large pancake. Come on, people, you can get these from context!

Look, maybe Michael jumped back to the dark side.

But I don't think so.

I think he's going to help us escape.

I know it sounds crazy, but if it weren't crazy

they wouldn't call it a "leap of faith."

They would call it a... "sit of doubting."

I never thought I'd be the one to say it...

but this is getting out of hand.

I think we gotta go to the cops.

What cops? Where do you think we are?

Before tonight's party I'd love to talk more about your strategy for torturing Tahani.

I'm impressed you were able to make her fall in love with Jason.

She must be... miserable.

Yeah, humans make a lot of mistakes when they're horny.

Ah, boss... Give me a second, here.

What the here, dude? - Vicky...

My hard work paid off for you, and now you're just taking all the credit.

Vicky, Vicky... this can work out great for both of us

if we play our cards right.

Shawn thinks that this is attempt number two, right?

Now if I tell him that you've been in charge of this version

he's eventually gonna find out that there have been hundreds of failed versions.

Ohhhhh! Right.

And if that happens, we're all going down.

So, spread the word. No one talks about the reboots.

Fine. But you better make this right.

Mama want promotion, ya heard?

Hello, you dummies!

This Neighbourhood was a labour of hate for many people here

so I thought that we should celebrate with an art form

that we literally invented here in the Bad Place

the "comedy roast"!

I see Jason Mendoza's here.

Jason might not be the smartest guy in the world

but he is the dumbest guy in the world.

Ah, Jason, buddy.

All you had to do was to keep quiet

but you couldn't stop talking about Kendall Jenner

or that dumb quarterback, what was his name?

Derek Bortles... always ranting about "Derek Bortles."

Lucky for you, my friend, Jaguars games are the only ones televised in the Bad Place

because they suuuuck!

No, they don't! All we need is a defense, and an offense, and some rule changes.

Don't take it personally.

He just has to put on a show for the other demons.

Tahani Al-Jamil.

Elegance, grace, sophistication...

But enough about your sister!

Do you know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was?

When the last song played at one of her parties

and she would run off and cry because she still hadn't won her parents' approval.

You know the other worst moment of Tahani's life?

Every other moment of her empty, pointless life!

Hey-o!

I see Eleanor Shellstrop is here.

Eleanor and I have a lot in common.

Now here's how you can tell us apart.

One of us is a manipulative demon

who's an expert at making other people miserable...

and then the other one is me!

You thought you deserved a Medium Place, like Mindy St Claire?

Are you kidding me?

You're bad, Eleanor.

This is exactly the place you should be.

Not super funny for a roast, there, bud.

Oh, sorry, you want a joke? OK.

You love Chidi and Chidi doesn't love you back. Boom!

Now, that's funny because it's very cruel and humiliating.

I consider you one of my closest friends. - Not now, dude.

Speaking of Chidi...

is something no one has ever said

because no one talks about Chidi

because no one likes Chidi, because he's so annoying about ethics!

Now when you taught the Trolley Problem...

did you secretly wish that it could be you who wound up under the trolley?

Because all your students did!

Whoo!

Oh, Chidi, sorry, I got a joke for you, bud.

Uh, knock-knock. - Who's there?

You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone!

"You died alone because you couldn't commit to anyone" who?

No... - Jason Mendoza!

OK, that's all my time. Let's tear this mother to the ground!

Whoo!

So, maybe I was wrong, and Michael isn't on our side.

What up, fork sticks?!

That was "She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd.

Coming up next, "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer!"

Idiots!

We're going streaking! Ahhhh!

Ugh.

The one time I think someone isn't lying to me and it bites me in the ash.

I guess Michael really did flip back to the bad side.

Oh, does one think?

That roast was the meanest thing I've ever seen

and I once saw a waiter bring Russell Crowe the wrong tea.

Well, we have no choice. We go to Shawn and we tell him

that we'll trade secret information about the reboots

if he'll go easy on us.

And if that doesn't work, we try to get Janet free

and head to Mindy's. Agreed?

Yeah. Michael sucks now.

He pretended to be our friend, he's gonna torture us for eternity...

And you know what the worst part is?

He doesn't remember the name of my favourite football player.

Definitely not the worst part.

It is to me!

"Blake Bortles" is a cool name. "Derek Bortles" is a dumb name!

♪ Grandma got run over by a reindeer ♪

♪ Walking home from our house Christmas Eve... ♪

Hey, man, have you told Shawn how "hugely important" I was yet?

I will get to it. Promise.

Now, you just relax, enjoy yourself, rip a cat in half

it's a party, Vicky! Come on!

Hey! - Mleh?

What does Michael keep whispering to you? - Um...

"Something, something, Vicky, something, something."

Awww! Can I braid your hair? - No.

Please? - No. You know what? I'm good. I got it.

- Ooh! - Hey!

Help me get these bracelets off Good Janet.

No. Shawn put them on her for a reason.

I'm not overruling the boss.

You're such a suck-up, Gayle.

Can I braid your hair? - No. Get this... I got it.

Ow! - OK...

Get your own bracelets, Victoria!

OK, you fat dinks.

The sun is up, and we're about to close it down

with one last song -

"She Hates Me" by Puddle of Mudd

and "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" played at the same time.

Honestly, I'm still partial to the old-fashioned scorpion diapers.

But you've done great work here.

Can't thank you enough for everything.

Shawn, wait! - No...

I have some very interesting information

about who's really responsible for this Neighbourhood.

Shawn! The humans are escaping!

It's Michael. Michael's responsible for this Neighbourhood

and everything that's happening right now. Byeee!

Ah, I... - Bad Janet!

What's cracking, nutbutts?

Call us another train, immediately. Party's over.

How did they get Janet's bracelets off?

It's literally impossible for a human to do.

It's like breathing underwater, or driving without texting.

Shawn, I don't want to make any accusations, but I accuse Vicky.

She asked me to help her take Janet's bracelets off.

Oh, Vicky, you didn't!

She definitely did.

She's jealous, she's been trying to sabotage me the entire time.

What, no? He's lying.

OK, I did try to get the bracelets off, but I couldn't.

Listen to yourself. You sound crazy.

Normally I would love hearing a man tell a woman she's crazy, but I can't.

You aided the humans just to spite Michael.

You're not a demon. You're a jerk.

Wait! This is a trick!

Michael is the traitor.

I bet they're still here somehow.

This place stretches for a thousand miles.

Fine. Bad Janet?

- What? - Scan the Neighbourhood, please.

No sign of any humans, but I actually did find something for Vicky.

What?

Bad Janet, great stuff as always. - No, duh.

And as for Vicky... - No, wait!

This is a PR disaster. We have to keep it all under wraps.

Get her on the train.

And if anyone else says a single word of what happened here, to anyone...

you will be in a cocoon just like Vicky

and it is gooey in there.

How do we get the humans back from Mindy's?

They bought themselves some time, but we'll get them.

I'll start the extradition papers.

You stay here. I want every trace of this Neighbourhood erased.

Oh, that was a bad idea!

That was so scary, so many different times. I hated that.

You guys!

I was so scared for you!

I told you he was on our side!

You're my friends, and I wanted...

I wanted to save you... - Hey, it's OK, bud.

This is the best summer ever, you guys!

Ohhh!

Oh!

Oh, Michael, we never doubted you for a moment.

Thank you, Tahani.

You're lying, though, right?

Yes, I am. I doubted you very strongly.

But then I figured it out.

Kierkegaard, baby!

Leap of faith!

It's better translated as a "leap into faith."

You remembered!

Can somebody please explain what happened?

And... and can you guys just be... a tiny bit quieter?

Because, um... I've been drunk on magnets all day and...

and I can literally hear every sound in the universe.

Basically, Michael sent us a code, and we had to crack it.

- I figured out the first clue. - No, you didn't. I did.

- I was there, though! - Ooh...

"Blake Bortles" is a cool name. "Derek Bortles" is a dumb name.

Yes...

"Derek Bortles" is indeed a very dumb name.

It's a clue!

There's no way Michael would've forgotten the name "Blake Bortles."

You say it a million times a day.

Cos he's the best. - No, he's not.

And even I know that.

Michael was telling us to use Derek, Janet's Derek, for something.

There were clues in the roast.

Everybody, quietly, but quickly, head to the train station.

But let's split up so we don't draw attention.

Ugh, you guys are the worst conspirators!

OK, what else did Michael say in the roasts that might be meaningful?

Tahani? Do you remember?

Well, he said my entire life was pointless and empty.

Yeah, but did he say anything we don't already know?

Anything that stood out?

Do you know what the worst moment of Tahani's life was?

When the last song played at one of her parties

and she would run off and cry because she still hadn't won her parents' approval.

That was odd.

A host never runs off during their last song

because after it's over

you're supposed to act surprised when everyone drags you on stage

and showers you with applause.

Maybe Michael wanted us to wait until the end of the party

when everyone was at their most distracted.

And use Derek to drive the train, because he has some of Janet's powers.

- Janet? - Hi... Hi... Hi there.

Janet? - Yep?

We need you to go get Derek from your void.

OK.

Shoot, where's my void, again? I forget.

Oh, yeah, it's everywhere.

OK, hang on to your...

butt-cheeks.

Ugh... where is he?

Ow! Owwy! Ugh!

I'm never gonna find... oop, there he is!

- Derek. - Derek!

We need you to drive this train, and take us to Mindy St Claire's house.

Can you do that?

Derek.

Wait.

Nobody get on that train.

Derek? - Why not?

Because of what Michael said to me.

You thought you deserved a Medium Place?

You're bad, Eleanor. This is exactly the place you should be.

Derek!

Michael wants us to stay here, for some reason.

Eleanor. We have a train, a conductor, and a safe destination.

I'm gonna tell you the same thing

I told Pippa Middleton right before we went paragliding in Gibraltar.

"Let's go!"

What? It's what I said. - Guys, leap of faith.

Michael said we shouldn't get on that train.

Any minute now, those demons are gonna come looking for us.

Where are we supposed to hide? Oh, no!

Now when you taught the Trolley Problem, did you secretly wish

that it could be you who wound up under the trolley?

Because all your students did!

All aboard the...

- Shhh! - ...train is here!

It's a train! - Shhh!

Get onboard!

Actually, Derek...

Derek. - You're gonna wait

until the last song of the night. - Derek.

And when you do leave, you're gonna be flying a solo mission.

Oh! Maximum Derek!

Derek headed off

and when the new train arrived, the four of us crawled underneath

before any of the drunk demons saw us.

That kept us from being detected when Bad Janet scanned the Neighbourhood.

We fooled those mo-fos like the chumps they are!

We got all four clues you left us!

Oh, that's great.

Well, I mean, I actually left you more than 1,200 clues

because of how primitive your brains are.

But I'm so glad you got enough to figure it out.

Wait, how did you escape detection though?

Well, I'm not ethically proud of this, but I framed Vicky.

It was pretty easy - I just kept whispering things into Janet's ear to make her paranoid.

I'm sorry, what... what did you whisper to me? I don't remember.

Something, something, Vicky, something, something.

What does Michael keep whispering to you?

"Something, something, Vicky, something, something."

Aw!

And that made her try to take Janet's bracelets off...

which framed her for the escape.

Oh!

Guys, I... I want to apologise for roasting you earlier.

I had to sell it because everyone was watching.

It was funny though, right?

Absolutely not! - The Tahani stuff was perfect. I mean, no.

Guys. Let's just take a moment here.

They're gone.

Which means that we won and might actually get a chance

to go to the real Good Place.

This is everything we ever wanted.

Speaking of people getting what they want...

I really hope Mindy liked the present we sent her.

Who are you? - Derek!

"Thanks for helping us all those times we showed up."

"To repay you, here's a willing sex robot and two duffel bags full of cocaine."

There are wind chimes where my dingdong should be.

I can work with that. - Alright!