Original subtitles

I'm back at Rutgers today

and not just because I'm dating a student.

Two years ago,

Rutgers Stadium was renamed in honor

of the Scarlet Knights' own Reggie Dinkins,

until his gambling scandal took him from GOAT

to goat, the old version.

That means "bad."

Curtis, no, they'll see!

But earlier today,

the stadium finally got a new name,

honoring another famous Rutgers alum,

"Ally McBeal" star Calista Flockhart,

because she was "the opposite" of Reggie Dinkins.

Of all the things I lost...

that one hurt.

Alma mater means "nourishing mother" in Latin,

so it's like my own mother replaced me

with Calista Flockhart.

This is good. Reggie, this is the process.

Keep going.

When I was eight, a rat crawled

up our toilet bowl and went in my butt!

All right, let's end there.

Today was a breakthrough.

You see, in the immersive-documentary process,

there is a stage known as embedding--

months, sometimes longer, spent gaining trust,

until, finally, one day, the subject reveals...

Which is, of course, dolphin for,

"I'm horny, and I trust you."

Yeah. That's so good.

Hey, you know, I want to hate her for what she did to you,

but she makes Harrison Ford happy, so...

Hey, Reg, you want to shoot some hoops?

He's my best friend!

Erase that!

♪ "The Fall and Rise of Reggie Dinkins" ♪

I have a new assistant.

Ashley's OnlyFans got picked up to series by Hulu.

So I jumped at the chance to uplift another woman of color

when I got Shaneequinniii's email.

I'm Shane E. Quinn III,

and this is my first job ever.

Good morning.

And I've got some good news.

I got you your first interview in seven years.

See what happens when you put good things out there?

You know what?

One of you kids gets my watch.

You deserve it!

So who wants a piece? "60 Minutes"?

The theme song.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

That's a banger!

Well, it's the "60 Minutes" of Monmouth County--

the "Monmouth County Register."

Is that, like, a newspaper?

Okay, I know it's small potatoes--

But, Reggie, you like small potatoes.

Remember the fingerling ones at the place with the rosemary?

I did like those potatoes.

Or here's a real reason to do it.

It's a chance to capitalize on that momentum.

I spoke to the reporter.

She doesn't even want to talk about gambling.

Really? That's Smurftastic.

I can say that now that Rihanna is a Smurf.

Good, 'cause I already said yes.

The reporter and the photographer

will be here at 4:00.

Finally, I can just talk about the good stuff,

like that time I did the Lambeau Leap,

and I gave one of the guys that caught me

an alibi in a murder case.

Yeah, that was Smurftastic.

You can't say that!

I think just don't talk about football at all.

We want readers to meet you now--

the father, the fiancé,

a man who's not defined by his past.

"Readers"?

No one reads anymore.

Yeah, they didn't even teach us how to read at Oberlin.

The news is pictures now, Reggie.

So just do what you're told and take a good picture.

It'll be good practice for the wedding.

Brina and Reggie have been engaged for over a year,

and he still hasn't asked me to be his best man?

Why?

You know?

Is it because of my toast

at his and Monica's 10th anniversary party?

I don't understand how we can all be celebrating

when there's 33 Chilean miners under the ground right now.

Go away. Go away!

I'm sorry about that guy.

So what, now that they're, like, friends,

I mean, what if-- what if Reggie chooses Tobin?

You know, what is that best-man speech gonna be like?

Well, you know, um,

when Reggie rather approached one

about, uh--well, that, um--

I, uh--I meant to say--

God dang it, he's so charming

Hmm, I do photograph well.

Rusty!

I have to take an amazing picture.

I got a job for you. - You can count on me, Reggie.

Yeah, me.

Not you!

Right there.

What is that outfit?

The power of suggestion, Monica.

This green shirt is actually my old Jets jersey,

to remind people I played for the Jets.

And so what, the yellow jacket

is supposed to be like the one that you get from Hall of Fame?

And yet I said nothing.

Oh, please tell me that's not what I think it is.

It's his Rutgers Stadium bust.

What the hell is that?

- It's my bust. - Oh, God, no.

And she-- statues are like boats--

deserves to be seen.

I mean, come on, which one's the mom, right?

No.

I don't want that jacked-up thing in our house.

Reggie, come on.

This is not what we discussed. - Sure it is.

I'll say whatever you want, but this is my visual story.

So your story is sad, old jock

literally clings to the past?

Right, you want me to focus on my life now.

Like my son, Carmelo, who was just named

to this weekend's tri-state all-star game,

continuing my football legacy.

Oh, football?

I broke another Monica rule.

I hope I don't go to Monica jail

and get murdered like Monica Jeffrey Epstein.

I forgot about Carmelo.

I mean, could Reggie ask him to be his best man?

He's only 17, okay?

So he's not even a man, okay?

And there's no such thing as best boy.

Well, there is on a movie set, but we're not making a movie.

Oh, my God, no, we are!

When did it get so spooky up in here?

When I'm done with that thing,

there won't be anything left of it.

It's okay.

Who would ever suspect Shane?

What?

You're his friend.

Just be cool.

Be cool, you stupid hog!

Yikes.

Siri, music off!

She's gone.

Who did this?

My Rutgers bust is missing,

and any one of you could have taken it.

I didn't.

But whoever did is a hero.

That thing was jank-key.

Way to remove yourself from the suspect list--not!

"Wayne's World."

Is that, like, Lil Wayne's podcast?

Don't distract me with your youth.

You're the one that said you didn't want

the statue in the house!

What the hell is that?

Hey, buddy, you know it wasn't me, okay?

I said I liked the statue.

I noticed that.

I also noticed your pants on fire from lying.

You have a tell, Rusty.

When you lie...

you lick your lips.

And she-- sculptures are like boats--

deserves to be seen.

I mean, come on, which one's the mom, right?

No, I don't!

Hey, Shaneequinniii, y'all shady.

Why was you wearing rubber gloves?

Who would ever suspect Shane?

I was burying a bird that hit a window.

White people do do that.

Reggie, look, we all know

how much that statue means to you.

Do you? I kept it because someday

it was going back in the stadium.

That's my stadium.

That's the house that Reggie Dinkins built.

I want that, too, Reggie.

And this interview is the way to get there.

So get your head in the game

and stop playing Blackatha Christie.

First of all, that's a great idea for a movie.

Second of all, I haven't even gotten to Arthur Tobin yet.

Yeah, if we're all suspects,

then that includes him, too, right?

- Wait. Me? - Yes.

This drama's great for your little movie.

Yeah, you got here, like, two months ago.

You're not one of us.

Reggie, why would I compromise

the trust that we built up?

After the breakthrough we had this morning,

taking your prized sculpture is the very last thing I would do.

Really? Last thing?

Ahead of marrying Hitler?

I am purely an observer.

Uh, while filming in Madagascar,

I watched a sloth kill itself rather than intervene.

It took four days.

And I don't know where it got that gun.

So I am not going to interfere here.

But I do know who stole the bust.

Well, I'm convinced. Arthur did it.

Case closed.

Now, let's go over your talking points.

An obvious diversion.

Earlier I overheard you on the phone saying...

When I'm done with that thing,

there won't be anything left of it.

- What exactly is "that thing"? - It's none of your business.

But if it makes this go faster,

I connected with a gentleman online

and was describing my plan for later.

Oh, dear.

Subject change-- what about Brina?

So beautiful and thick, but the plot is thicker.

- I didn't do anything. - Yes, you did.

You walked all sneaky,

creeping like TLC.

I had just painted my toenails.

Oh, you gonna tell me you do your own nails?

Usually I don't, but my girl Rosa's totally booked up

'cause Cardi B's on trial.

Are you done?

We ain't done until one of you fesses up.

I'm always being lectured about owning my own mistakes.

But you people won't do it yourselves.

What's going on?

Oh.

Are--are we doing Uncle Rusty's intervention?

I'll get my letter.

It's not that, son.

Something terrible has happened.

And I'm not addicted to the trampoline park, okay?

I can stop whenever I want.

Just please don't take that away from me.

It's the only thing I have.

So the bust is just gone?

One of you's in trouble.

I got my Dr. Watson with me now,

which makes me Dr. Watson's dad.

Come on.

Do you really have to drag the boy into your nonsense?

Yes, I do, Monica, because he's the only one

in the family that understands where I'm coming from.

Okay, I'm just gonna say it.

Reggie choosing his son to be his best man

would be nepotism.

One day you might play for Rutgers.

And you do not want to rub

Calista Flockhart's bangs for luck.

No.

You want to kiss your daddy's head's mouth.

"Bangs"?

Wait, so the bust is season 3 "Ally McBeal"?

Wait, hold on.

Is that a ear?

That's my bust's ear!

We are no longer looking for a thief, Carmelo.

We're looking for a murderer.

How does bronze just break?

Actually, it's not bronze.

When my bust was made,

there was a bronze shortage because of the Olympics.

And you would know that if any of you gave

a single dang eff about his life!

Lord, today.

The interview is in an hour.

How long are you going to do this?

It ain't up to me. It's up to y'all.

Okay.

We gonna see how good you can lie to me one-on-one.

Shane, you in the box.

Would you like a soda, Shane? - Yeah.

Carmelo, get him a soda.

Arthur.

I need to talk to you. - To me?

You need to go talk some sense into your ex-husband.

You've seen me try!

But when he thinks he's been wronged,

he's like a dog with a bone.

Or me with a key lime pie Yoplait.

Sorry, what are we talking about?

Look, today is actually a big deal,

but this bust situation-- - Yeah.

Is threatening to blow it all up--believe me, I get it.

Reggie was finally starting to open up to me.

Well, you're the one to fix it.

Just go look at the footage.

And if you can end this, please, just do it.

Monica, no. Ethically, I--

I know an interview with the "Monmouth County Register"

isn't a big win, but it is a win.

We're just starting to finally make some progress here.

But Reggie's in no place to talk to anyone right now.

They gonna love you in prison.

Arthur, please, help me out here.

When I became a documentarian,

I made a vow to remain forever curious,

steadfastly objective,

and insufferable at dinner parties.

Today I break

the middle part of that vow.

No, I don't want that jacked-up thing in our house.

For posterity,

I do want to explain why I had to frame Brina.

Why wouldn't you say something, baby?

You know I'd forgive you.

You see, of all the available scapegoats,

Brina was by far the most readily forgiven.

And if it came out that I broke the bust,

imagine the damage to the embedding process,

you know, and the film.

If Shakespeare were alive today,

he would say, the film's the thing.

Right?

Obviously, I did it.

I just don't remember doing it.

Bri, what are you saying?

Reggie, you never met my aunts,

my dad's sisters,

because they live in a insane asylum.

They went crazy right around my age.

They'd black out, and things would happen.

Furniture'd go missing,

the fireplace would fill with dolls,

and whenever there was a storm,

Aunt Wendy would disappear for a few days

and say she'd been to see the Wizard of Oz--

not even the Wiz.

So the white one?

That's nuts.

This is what I've been afraid of since I was a little girl.

I have it.

I have the sickness. Oh!

I would not have singled out Brina

if I had known about the Wiz thing.

I just thought that Brina would say she didn't do it.

Reggie wouldn't believe her. Brina would get furious.

Reggie would get turned on. Problem solved.

I certainly did not think that Brina would blame

the black mark that God put on Grandmama Evans's name.

It's the black mark that God put on Grandmama Evans' name.

- No, baby, don't say that. - No!

I don't even remember

destroying something that you love.

How could I trust myself to be a good wife or mother?

Oh, I have to call off this wedding.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Please, please, stop.

Dear God, it was me. I did it. I broke the bust.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, no!

But I don't like the bust.

No, that part was real.

Yes, earlier you said it looked like

a rotted jack-o-lantern of Shrek.

Damn, girl, you cold.

But the rest was all just editing trickery.

The shot of you sneaking into the living room

was from last month.

You were tiptoeing to avoid Rusty.

I was sick of answering his questions about "Severance."

I've just got one question.

We're two seasons in,

and no one's trying to have sex with Mr. Milchick?

But wait, we all just saw her throw the bust into the trash.

Yeah, so, Monica, you remember earlier

when you caught me coming out of the bathroom?

You couldn't have used the bathroom,

because I destroyed the toilet hours ago.

I had Chilean oysters for breakfast.

That's why I was wearing those gloves,

was to try to fix it.

Mystery solved.

That was not the mystery, Shane.

And I-I didn't go in there to use the facilities.

I just went in so I could go out the window,

sneak back inside,

and run upstairs to borrow...

a couple of things.

And then I popped back in through the loo window and...

Yeah.

You touched my wig?

Jail!

My Irish friends were right about you people.

You played me--this is supposed to be a documentary

about the Hall of Fame.

What are we doing?

You almost got the wedding canceled.

I should kick you in half!

You had me thinking I was crazy!

This is really gonna hurt the embedding process.

We loved you!

Stop!

Everybody just stop.

Dad, Mr. Tobin didn't break your statue.

When he knocked it over, it was already busted.

By me.

I just couldn't bring myself to tell you how it happened.

You son of a bitch.

You broke it? But you weren't even here.

Actually, I got out of school early

because it's Straight White Pride Day.

Did they always have that? That feels new.

And after I accidentally messed up your statue...

Oh, no, no, no.

I ran and hid at Todd's house.

I don't know about that Todd.

Calling me Monica like he grown.

You gave quite the performance.

I mean, I really believed you were surprised

when you got home. - No, I was.

Dad, when I left, the statue wasn't missing.

I thought somebody was messing with me.

Hang on.

I love that bust.

But, C, you're my guy.

What made you think you had to hide this from me?

That's the thing.

♪ Dooby, dooby

I was practicing our routine for the prep league

a cappella showdown this Saturday.

I have the tenor "doobys" in Mr. Fiske's arrangement

of "Radioactive."

You got the "doobys"? That's amazing!

Huh.

No.

Saturday's your all-star game.

You're the starting running back.

And that's why I was afraid to tell you.

I want to go to the concert instead of the game.

That's why I couldn't stand you staring at me while I practice.

♪ Dooby, Daddy

♪ I mean dooby

So you don't want to play football?

You didn't need to lie, Melo.

We support you no matter what.

Right, Reggie?

I'm sorry, Dad.

I know football is your whole life.

But maybe it's not mine.

The reporter.

Oh, good Lord.

Oh, I can't even pull off a Reggie Dinkins interview

in a paper they give away at the drugstore.

Okay, I'm going to cancel. Um, I'll say it's Kwanzadan.

She's white. She won't know it's not a thing.

No. I'll do the interview.

I got some stuff to get off my chest.

So it was all Carmelo's fault.

Wow, right?

For decades, football was my life.

But it isn't life, 'cause football is over.

The stuff that really counts,

luckily, that's not going anywhere.

I've got a fiancée who is kind and beautiful.

And when we get married,

my best friend is gonna be my best man.

So it turns out he asked me a while ago.

I make too much earwax, okay?

I thought Reggie and I were having

an emotional conversation about what's the best ham.

It's Kirkland Signature.

I've got a Monica.

Without her, I wouldn't have a career or a child--a son.

He's gonna be so much more than I ever was...

'cause he already knows

that football is not his life.

Okay. Cool.

Um, just to go back to my question...

what's your favorite sub shop here in Monmouth County?

Salami Joe's.

Lord have mercy.

all: ♪ Yeah

How you boys enjoying your new rehearsal space?

Oh, the acoustics are great.

I think it's from Mr. Tobin's skull absorbing the sound.

Reggie, I know I deserve to be punished,

but, please, this is worse than when I directed

the "Imagine" video during COVID.

Why'd you boys stop singing?

You sound so nice.

Let's get weird.

- Good night, everybody. - Good night.